Tag: personal development

Letters Of Healing #2 – Letting It Out Is Important Too

I have a bad habit, I’ve acquired over the past few years: I bottle things up so people don’t leave me. Hi, I’m Magz and I have a problem. A two-prong issue, actually, I am not processing my feelings, and I am irrationally concerned about rejection. It’s not good. I was taught to believe by family and society that it was because of divorce, specifically placing the blame on my dad, and to be honest, I believed that for a long time. But that answer leaves all of us who have experienced that or who fear rejection in this weird pseudo-reality of things being out of our control, which doesn’t help. It turns the intensity up all while limiting personal growth. How can you move on if this is baked into your personality, right? I mean, everyone who knows your story will instantly know your flaws – your parent or parents “didn’t love you enough” to stick around. Yeah, this is a toxic bunch of nonsense.

So what has helped me get more clarity on this, honestly, is learning about what makes my mind tick and how I can work with myself to be healthier. For me specifically, learning about neurodivergence, and specifically the possibility of undiagnosed autism or adhd, has helped me understand that there might be more to my penchant for brutal honesty than just being an off-putting person or a bad person. It might be that my brain simply processes differently, yet because I want to fit in – masking, I fall into people-pleasing patterns to “fit in” with those around me. Similar to learning about high-masking autism in females, with adhd, there is a sensitivity to rejection and difficulty with emotional regulation that makes processing the rejection more difficult. I can see these in the ways I have interacted with people throughout my life, especially family members.

I get stuck in these camps of either feeling the need to be brutally honest, especially if I feel an emotional meltdown coming on from bottling everything up, or I clam up and shove it down, no matter how much it hurts to “please” the person. All this does is create a cycle of emotional repression, overwhelm, and meltdown behind the scenes. Loneliness, anger, bitterness, shame, fear of rejection, and pain. This is not what a healthy person looks like.

For too long, I’ve mistaken being “tough” with being healthy. It’s been the one-two punch of finding Elena Carroll’s reflective essays and watching Scrubs for these to start clicking in my brain. I find myself pinballing between being like Dr. Dorian, who lets people like Elliott walk all over him, and Dr. Cox, who shoves it all down and sinks into a pit of loneliness behind the shadows because dealing with my problems makes me feel uncomfortable.

My constant dysfunctional relationship, which gets more unhinged every year, my relationship with my mom is the place where I see all these problematic habits come to the surface. I will bottle something up for a decade, afraid of the confrontation, and then one day I will just explode about something else. To be fair, when I do blow up, it’s usually after my mom has contributed to my anger with a gem of guilt or a little nugget of criticism on some part of my personality. Like recently, I was told she was intentionally withholding her health updates after two concerning ER visits, because I am too “sensitive” to handle anything after I told her it has been scary thinking of being sick because I love her. Yep, I see where I have learned to shove everything down – you can’t be weak and express emotions, that’s for losers.

So where does that leave me? Well, I can either choose Option #1 – be honest about my frustrations and stand up for myself, which comes with consequences, Option #2 – bottle it up and fake a smile, all while my shoulders knit themselves into a stress knot and my jaw clenches like a bear trap, Option #3 – I avoid the relationship for months at a time and pretend like nothing happened. Lately, I’ve been thinking, why can’t I just be honest as it comes, instead of bottling up to the point where I am furious? I don’t live there anymore, there are no consequences for being honest gently, and in the moment that I disagree? That would be healthier, and somehow, over all these years, I forgot how to do this. Because adulthood is lonely. Grief is lonely. Sometimes that fear of rejection and people pleasing is all that you crave just to keep a relationship with a loved one steady, because you miss how easy it was when you were a kid.

I think health, though, might be more important than the illusion of peace, because I have not been managing stress well over the last ten years. My mental health took a toll, and so did my physical health. I’ve stored so much stress in my body, pretending I was happy about things that hurt me because I didn’t want to hear how I was different, not enough like my mom’s family, or weak for being sensitive, or a bad person for getting angry sometimes. I’ve had the same knot at the base of my neck for 5 years, which is not healthy at all. So what am I doing with all these revelations about who I am and what is healthy and what is not? I am slowly shifting through it. I’m taking space and a break from some of my more trying family relationships to get this stress worked out of my body and find my calm again. My husband, friends, and my beloved bun deserve better than for me to let things out of my control take a toll on my mental and physical health. Especially when they are the ones who pick up the pieces when I fall apart.

How do you manage stress? Do you struggle with people pleasing or bottling up emotions? Have people ever told you to change who you are to fit their standards?

Will I Wear A Knit Tank?

This is a follow-up to my recent post, ‘Will I Wear a Knit T-shirt?’, where I examined the fibers and wearability of a knit t-shirt and discussed whether this summer knit project could be a suitable option. Since then, I finished and got to wear a new piece of knitwear – my first knit tank top. I wore it in July, in full humidity with highs in the upper 80s to low 90s Fahrenheit. My experience surprised me – I said before that my knit t-shirts are wonderfully comfortable, but have a temperature and humidity limit for me, but the tank top surprised me!

I think it was the high pima cotton content in the Knit Picks Comfy – a 75% Pima Cotton and 25% Acrylic mixture that uplifted the breathability for me. I was melting in the hot sun, but the air flow and temperature regulation were spectacular! This tank had delicate straps but did not have a lacy stitch or open weave. It was constructed with regular knit and purl stitches, with sections that had double layers of yarn due to two sections of colorwork graphics on the front and back.

With Pima Cotton, Silk, Bamboo, or Linen as the primary fiber, or a blend of these natural fibers, I believe knit tanks are just as breathable as woven fabric, and for sure more breathable than moisture-wicking tech fabrics, which are polyester. No, I wouldn’t work out in this top, but there is something to say for a garment that is comfy and breathable for those long summer days. It was a simple stitch-up up only calling for two hanks of 100-gram worsted-weight yarn, about 240 yards, with the addition of 1/3 or 40 yards of the accent yarn, another cotton-acrylic worsted-weight blend from Loops and Threads. You can make a tank like this for 30 USD or less, and this is a size large. So if you have a small amount of yarn, you can do a lot with it!

Do you think a knit tank would be an item you would wear?

Designing Clothing That Fluctuates With You

This is inspired by a discussion from Maybe Bre, which made me reflect on something I hadn’t discussed before. As well as my own experience wearing clothing, as a garden-variety human who loves fashion but doesn’t always enjoy how our clothing is made.

By this, I mean the patterns and fastening of our modern times. The zipper is a wonderful thing, and so is the structured waistband. I love them in jeans because denim that isn’t compromised by stretch is a rugged and sturdy garment that isn’t a piece that conforms to you; your body is housed within the trousers. I feel the same way about a structured coat. In doing so, I buy these pieces oversized for comfort, which leaves me with a garment that most of the time doesn’t technically fit me. If I did buy it to fit me right now, there is no guarantee that over many decades it would continue to fit me – I’ve been burned before by this problem. Hence, all my “staple, investment pieces” from college no longer live in my closet because they are no longer my size. If I had planned ahead and bought them a bit oversized, they might still be with me, but they wouldn’t have “fit” me at the time.

My problem with clothing is becoming clear, isn’t it? I desire longevity and wearability from clothing, in a way that is not offered off the rack. I desire my clothes to grow and shrink with me, depending on how my body changes over time. This has been my design focus in the last few years as I have placed myself in the driver’s seat of my wardrobe through the process of sewing and knitting.

My idea is not innovative; it is historical. Clothing, because it was so expensive and hard to make, was more adaptable in the past. Fastenings such as tie waist, lacing, and buttons with multiple sizes of tightness were common because clothing was not as easy or cheap, and they were not seen as disposable or replaceable. Changing fashions came with garment reworks, ye olde upcycling as it were. This is what I desire: the ability to change the fit of my garment.

I recently figured out how to sew with elastic, which is a game-changer for shorts and gathered sleeve hems! Before this, though, I was making most of my bottomweight garments with tie waists or several options of buttons to let the garment adjust to the needs of the day, I’ve also sewed with intentional relaxed fit, initially due to a lack of tailoring skill but over time it has been to allow wiggle room in pieces I have spent days or weeks of my life crafting.

Being present in the making process has taught me to treat my clothing with more respect, even when it is time to discard the current version of it for something more useful. I’ve stopped donating as much, decluttering, and rebuying, to be honest, to be more intentional with the garment and its life cycle. I am the one who brought it to life, I can’t simply consume and discard it like it is nothing. I am deprogramming my brain from decades of fast fashion insanity.

I believe if clothing were made with this design philosophy, that clothing would fluctuate with you over time, I believe we would enjoy wearing our clothing more because instead of buying stretch fabric everything, we could still wear good natural fibers, maybe a bit bulkier than spandex and less figure hugging and lurex denim, but would be better for the humans and the planet. Style and substance, as they say on the Great British Baking Show!

Finding That Spark After a Creative Slump

A few months ago, I wrote about my 2025 being a creative slump. Well, things have changed, and now  I’d say I’ve found my pace. It’s a dash! I have more ideas than my hands can craft and it feels freeing, like all the crap from the past few months have lifted and the world makes sense, as long as it is crafted from needles.

New Materials

Maybe it’s the new yarns? I’ve been branching out to find new brands and new favorites. Loops and Threads cotton has provided an affordable fiber to try new techniques and play around. The Caron Big Cakes and Blossom Cakes are getting me excited for every stitch, and Knit Picks Pima Cotton has been a dream to work with.

With the news of Big Twist coming to Michael’s, I’m excited to have my tried and true affordable winter yarn to keep pushing my creative limits.

The most exciting new fiber, though, is a recent pickup from my local farmer’s market. A skein of yarn, from sheep in my neighboring county, that was processed and spun over the border in Ohio. It’s not quite the LYS I was wishing for, but it makes me hopeful for the future!

DIY Merch with Yarn

The North American leg of the 2025 Stray Kids Dominate Tour made me feel some big FOMO for the unique merch sold at the shows. From the SKZ Baseball jerseys to the Evil Skzoo tees, dang, I wanted to participate, until I heard the stories of long hot lines at the baseball stadiums and endless screechers, I came back to reality. But – it got me thinking, why can’t I make my own? So I’ve been designing, knitting, and feeling a buzz of happiness because these pieces are some of my best work to date. I can’t wait to share them!

Kokka Fabrics and Firecracker Fabrics

I’ve found new fabric sources and new go-to brands I love. In support of small businesses, I made a purchase from a local fabric store – Firecracker Fabrics, online, because honestly, it is far too difficult to go into Pittsburgh in road work season. Through this purchase, I fulfilled a goal – to try Kokka Fabrics. They are a textile design brand out of Japan, which is sold at my local shop, and it was a dream to work with! With the bad news of Joann’s and the uncertainty of tariffed materials, to be honest, I was thinking my sewing days would be cut short, but this is a fantastic resource. It was affordable, good quality, and unique – all the things I look for in fabrics but have struggled to find at Joann’s, which made me shop at Mood Fabrics. Now I have another option!

I also thrifted some fabric from my in-town thrift store, truly unique fabric that has pushed me forward to try making shorts again and overalls. For not sewing as quickly this year, the garments I have completed are more daring, and I think that is the new materials and new techniques, like elastic, that are pushing me to design more than just sew. I feel like I am back in my 2021 mindset, and I am ready to make clothes that express my design point of view. I lost that in 2023 and got burnt out in 2024, yet a six-month break got me back into it. Maybe that is one good thing that has come from the chaos – a break to reset.

New Inspiration

I’ve found inspiration from K-pop stages and historical sewing channels up to this point, but it was getting stale. Nothing was sparking that drive to create, until recently, when I found some new making channels. I like to watch other people make things, not to copy, but to learn by observing and then channel what I learn into my own inspirations, such as learning how to embroider, make eyelet openings for corset-ish vests, upcycling ideas, etc. A recent find has been Maybe Bre’s channel with her “Mama Mia Summer” video, inspiring me to make overalls. Mark Vogel’s channel has me itching to learn crochet after seeing his granny square vest, and finally Kali’s Threads/Handmade with Kaye – these sisters are innovative. I didn’t know I wanted to wear a crochet polo button shirt until I saw Kali’s finished garment; it’s beautiful!

Final Thoughts

Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need limitations to make us push forward in our goals. Sometimes a change of pace helps rediscover our passion. I’ve started gauge swatching, pattern writing, and looking for pieces I think I should make to enhance my wardrobe that are more fun, less functional. It’s weird how the creative process, when you hit a slump, can convince you of a lack of talent. When really, maybe your cup is empty? Or in my case, maybe you have lost your spark because you needed to raise your standard and make new, challenging projects to ignite your passion again. Until next time, thanks, reader, for spending time with me today. Happy creating to you! 🙂

Ideas for Summer Stashbusting Projects

As a yarn enthusiast, sometimes I have many skeins of different yarn that I don’t know what to do with. This happens when I buy sale yarn, find unexpected yarn secondhand, or buy too much of one color for a project. Purchasing the right yardage is definitely a learning process!

So, how can you make your yarn stash go further and use up those skeins you don’t know what to do with? An easy fix I’ve found is to get really scrappy, lean into stripes, experiment with colorwork, and my new favorite – blending yarn by holding two strands of different yarn, even variegated yarn, to make something fresh and inspiring! This has helped me need to destash, donate, or feel weighed down by my yarn inventory.

Once you have a color story, what do you stitch up? There are the tried and true tanks, tote bags, and scrappy cardigans, but what about something outside the box?

  • Baskets
  • Small Storage Bags with Zipper
  • Shorts
  • Sailor Collar
  • Overalls
  • Mini Skirts
  • Koozies
  • Tapestry

I get stuck in the idea of knitting as wearables, but it can be used to make so many things, and at the end of the project, you’ll have something truly unique from your own hands!

One of the most satisfying ways I have found to use up random yarn is colorwork. Hints of color with scrap that add a touch of whimsy? Sign me up!

Knitting a Dress for the First Time

Knitting a dress, how hard can it be right? It was actually pretty managable garment as an intermediate knitter. I would not recommend unless you have made a sweater before but would definitely recommend knitting a dress if you want a soft and stretchy garment that hugs you!

Inspiration

I have made plenty of dresses over the past 5 years, but they have all been cut and sewn from fabric. Knitting kicks it up a notch, asking you to assemble the dress, but make the fabric to boot. I thought it would be silly to try until I discovered some lovely crochet designers on You Tube who make with imagination!

I was inspired by Mama Gwen of TL Yarn Crafts to give designing a knit dress a try. She makes such beautiful dresses all from self-drafted patterns in knit and crochet. Along with Dana from Blondie Knots. Her Coachella scrap two piece outfit helped me have the boost of confidence to try something new.

Materials

Last summer at Joann, before the shenanigans began, I purchased 14 Big Twist Cotton 50g skeins on a sale with the intention of knitting a top. Many months later, this yarn was sitting in my stash with my mind uncertain if the punchy color changing yarn was my cup of tea for a cotton knit top. But a dress? Yes, that could work. Did I have enough yarn though? I’d have to make it so because there was no more being sold.

Because of the circumstances, I decided this dress would be my goodbye to Big Twist.

Design

I knew from sewing, my design would need to be a dress that was either tubular or empire waist to suit my body shape. I decided to knit this on US 7 needles, straight needles. Sometimes I would shift to circular, but this was not knit in the round. With the combination of yarn minders, a measuring tape and patience this dress came together!

To start I knew I wanted the bodice to be the anchor I worked out from so I cast on stitches to work horizontally. From the bodice, I then added one strap to plan the width and placement of the top. I was uncertain how much yardage the skirt would consume, therefore I paused to determine sleeves later.

My plan for the skirt was to knit a section by casting on the bottom of the bodice, adding stitches to increase width until I finished a skein. Repeat and fill out the row by picking up stitches to join the sections vertically into a tube. I continued on, and on  until weeks later I had a skirt but panicked that I was not going to achieve my desired length and second sleeve!

I decided to pull a teal yarn from my Landscape Painting with Yarn project. This hue pulled the cool tones into harmony in a pleasing way. I used two skeins of this teal color and then finished with the original Water Lily tonal yarn. I finished the second sleeve and tried on the piece with relative ease. There was one fit issue – plunging neckline. But it was a lovely, cozy knit from scratch dress!

The final touches to this project were addressing the neckline and the sleeves which were set too deep. I cast on to the neckline to fill in the gap and provided structure to the straps with several rows of decreases to give the dress a cap sleeve befitting my vision.

Final Thoughts

I am definitely making more dresses with knit! It’s far more pleasant than sewing if you want a comfy yet elegant style. You have both control of the drape and the fabric design. It’s your world, as Bob Ross would say.

This project was more than a goodbye to Big Twist, it was a new chapter for me. I began this journey 5 years ago to learn how to make and now I feel empowered by knowing I can make my own clothes, not just with fabric but with skeins of yarn and needles. It has been a wonderful journey of discovery!

If you want to knit a dress, I’d say go for it! If you’re a beginner, make one but not as your first project – you will be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of time this project took. It was weeks of work that as a beginner, would have scared me. In time I know you can do it though! ❤

Playing Animal Crossing Has Improved My Style

As a kid, one of my favorite pastimes was designing. I loved the fashion styling flash games from Lizzie McGuire and My Scene. I designed my own catalog of clothes for a made-up brand with my friends in 4th grade, illustrating with my school supplies and piecing it together with scrap paper. Mary-Kate and Ashley’s movies captured my imagination through their use of clothes to characterize each sister’s personality.

That’s So Raven enveloped me in imagination, not from her psychic abilities, no, Raven Baxter’s closet pulled me in! Raven’s room was a stunner as well, like Zenon Kar’s space station cabin, and my Fashion Polly’s colorful playsets that folded out like Richard Hammond’s caravan. My friends and I discovered shows like What Not To Wear and Trading Spaces, which launched my sketches from clothing brands to interior design. I had a notebook full of room drawings. There were designs with slides, hammock beds, and intricate themes. I drew a Survivor-themed room with a tribal council area on the lower level, an outer space room with circular windows and futuristic lighting, even a beach room with a lofted bed, sunset paint scheme, and a pool placed in the middle of the floor. I wish I knew what happened to these sketches; it’s been such a long time.

When I discovered Animal Crossing in 2020, I was curious what the fuss was about, and later the next year, we bought a Nintendo Switch, opening a world of design I thought was lost to childhood. I was thrilled! Animal Crossing New Horizons debuted in March 2020, and because of the unique time, it had a huge following for its charming island life. You begin your game landing on a deserted island as part of a Nook Inc. Getaway Package, and assist Tom Nook in developing the island with the help of Timmy, Tommy, Dodo Airlines, Blathers, Isabelle, and the villagers who move to the island with you.

But what about the fashion and the home decor? This game first places you in a tent that you upgrade into a house, with subsequent expansions costing large sums, but with a relaxed payment policy. You also gain the ability to design custom things with Nook Mile redemption upgrades, craft unique recipes from resources on the island, and buy items from Nook’s Cranny and clothing items from Able Sisters. A ridiculous amount of my gameplay, even years later, comes from pairing and collecting new clothing items for my character to wear on her adventures. This game loves coordination!

As a player who is well-versed in the Animal Crossing fashion catalog, I wait and anticipate finding my favorite pieces with each new island. The game has four seasons, with clothing corresponding to the season at play, including specialty garments for holidays. Currently, as I play in June, it’s wedding season and Able Sisters is selling traditional Japanese wedding attire, Nook Shopping is selling Father’s Day items, and International Children’s Day pieces, which include a paper crown that is oh so cute!

How has this impacted my own personal style, though? Well, it has brought me back to the mindset of creating a full look. Working from home or working in professional painting at jobsites for most of my adult life has killed the style I used to have. I no longer felt the need to put together a look, but instead I got used to throwing on pieces and wearing things for function, not fashion. But that’s not who I really am, just what the environment of life drifted me into. I was missing intentionality, Animal Crossing lit that spark once again. My little character doesn’t just get dressed to do life; she wears a head-to-toe look with hats, bags, glasses, specialty socks, clever shoes, cute tools, and interestingly paired garments. This game got me out of jeans and a t-shirt, or a hoodie and leggings, because this game has trousers in many fabrics and shapes, shorts in colorful prints, skirts in a bouquet of fancy, coats, hats a plenty, tops that span the seasons – it’s a blast to explore! There are dresses – modern and traditional. I can where a kimono! I change her outfit at least once, maybe three times a session. You can also curate hairstyles and experiment with colors.

This exercise has shown me that pink hair is something I’d like to try. It’s my most-used fashion color. It has inspired me to introduce cute socks of varying heights and weights to my wardrobe, even making some of them. I’ve started wearing hats anytime I leave the house – it pulls the look together! My taste in bags has changed; no longer an option for a sleek purse that looks designer, instead give me a duck bag with feet. I love colorful knitwear, flowing skirts, and shoes that are beyond my comfort zone of boots and Converse. Taking those moments in the game to pair weird combinations together has positively impacted my design sensibility. When I plan a sewing or knitting project, I take into account what I’ve learned from dressing up my character, seeking to inject the whimsy and delightful wares of Animal Crossing into my real-life closet. I’m not the only one; I’ve seen this across Pinterest, YouTube, and Instagram.

But what about interior design? Well, this game not only presents the opportunity to design your house and the island, but you can also download Happy Home Paradise to design vacation homes for clients. This has really challenged me in a fun sandbox way to care about how a room is put together. I’ve become far more intentional about my furniture layout, what types of pieces I want to bring into my space, and how I want to pair pieces for a style that tells a story.

Buying a house last year was the icing on the cake of this new foray into design, as we have painted rooms and dug the garden beds, I’ve felt like it is Animal Crossing come to life. I have this canvas to put my stamp on. Moving from rented landlord-beige homes to a space where we can be colorful, it has shown me that the little details do make a space more welcoming and conducive for creating. The simple act of moving our dining room table from one side of the room to the center, allowing for walkways on either side, has made the room a place I want to be instead of a place I pass through. By filling the empty gaps of cabinets in our kitchen with tables, shelves, and a microwave stand, we have transformed the empty space into a room that feels complete. The simple change of painting my sewing room lavender created an entire mood, a calming and happy vibe that makes me excited to work within those four walls. The garden beds and the screened-in porch have been works of dimension, the outdoor space has useful and designated spaces for us to use that make it more beautiful and purposeful.

I am filled with a sense of possibility again, like the girl who sketched those rooms in a notebook, instead of a person muddling through life. In this time when we feel burned out by AI and stale creativity, it’s been electric to feel the sparks of imagination. The crafting aspect of the game has inspired me to be more creative in my own house. We repurpose, re-finish, and build things in our house from scratch. Because of life’s twists and turns, I have a lot of second-hand pieces that at first felt like a let down, like I was poor, but now I see them as incredibly meaningful items that I have the pleasure of caring for in my home. The game’s customization tools, such as kits for sale or the custom services of Cyrus, demonstrate how a coat of paint truly pulls a room together without buying something new.

Did I think when I purchased Animal Crossing New Horizons that I would see an impact on my own design sensibility? Not at all, but it has been the gift that keeps on giving. It’s an incredibly cozy game, full of wonder that I have grown fond of, year over year. Four years later, I still look forward to running around the island, hunting for recipes, wishing on shooting stars, and besting those pesky Happy Home Academy judges. I hope that I never lose my zeal for dress up and design because it is such a fun little way to relax in this wild and wacky world.

Individuals Without Individuality

What does it mean to be an individual? Are you a person? A sum among parts? An island? A unique person, maybe? What does it mean to do things individually? What does individuality mean to an individual? I really wish this word, and its forms, weren’t so tricky to spell with my slightly dyslexic mind (not formally diagnosed, but it runs in the family). It’s a lot to digest, but this has probably been stewing in my mind for the past year, waiting for me to plate it up.

My culture is incredibly individualistic, and this is expressed in good ways and bad. One good way is that my country is a land of immigrants and indigenous people, meaning there are voices, ideas, and ways of doing things. But when there are people, there are forces of wanting to fit in, wanting to control and suppress, and prescribed ideas of the “best” way. I think this has been at the forefront of my mind because I see a vast amount of content being shared online saying originality is dead, or personal style has been killed by the algorithm. We are all core-ified or aesthetically boxed in, and social media has commodified subcultures. But it’s the internet, critiquing the internet, so we’re of course using broad, and extreme brushstrokes here.

Where my mind has drifted to is the sameness. I see people online discussing the boringness of everything from movies to the same cosmetic procedures, the bland landscape of interior design, and starter pack cliches for “types” of women. There is a sea of Petite Knit patterns, a galaxy of Marvel media that repeat the same formula, reboot television, and romantic tropes pushed by publishers and BookTok to make everything fit nicely in the digital marketing ecosystem. Then we fall into nostalgia, like recession pop, which I found myself listening to the other day, reminiscing about my first summer as a member of Geneva’s painting crew in 2010. Thinking about how different life was before I even had a Facebook.

What we talked about and the memories I made with the women and men of my team were tangible, not digital. We discovered what we liked based on environmental forces, like books assigned in school, books suggested by a friend, etc. Music was discovered and shared by radio play, recommendations from others, and shared playlists that your friend curated, not the music streaming platform or the algorithm. I thought a bit less about my appearance, I mean, in adolescence, you are quite aware, but not as much as the smartphone era has brought attention to the physical image of ourselves. I had fewer pictures, grainier pictures, but more memories. Strong memories are tied to tangible things, like songs, food, books, buildings, and movies. We were all very different from each other, yet we could find commonality, and this is where the gears in my mind started turning.

We were part of a group, but had individuality. Yet, nowadays I feel more like I’m in a void, of no commonality, except for how everyone is into the same things, and wears the same clothes, yet we are not connected, communicating, nor would I even consider that despite our shared things we are on a team or part of a community. It’s hollow.

I think we are missing the point of life. We are not working towards something together. We are not part of communities. We are part of aesthetics. We have become fans not of art or sport but of corporations like Target, Lululemon, Sephora, Stanley, and Tesla. Well, probably not Tesla anymore. Target is also being boycotted, so…anyways. Apple, Alo, Rhode, Kate Spade, Trader Joe’s, Labubu. That’s more 2025, phew. Why are we stanning companies? Why are we considering shopping for a hobby? This is not a way to connect; it is a way to consume and drown in stuff instead of substance. Our roots are becoming so shallow, and our debt is vast; we are plants choked out by the weeds of hyper-individualism. We have let originality become a thing achieved not by character formation and real-life community, but by the path of purchase. Purchases for ourselves. It snuck in so fast, I didn’t realize how the art of gift giving has become a self-care checklist. Yikes! It wasn’t until playing Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing: New Horizons that I was struck by how topsy-turvy my own culture has become. Our priorities are whack, and I believe it has made us lonely, shells, devoid of individual thought, buying our way to “happiness” because all we think about is our individual needs above all. We have forgotten that humans are fulfilled by the relationships and communities we are rooted in. It’s time to break the spell.

Unmasking is Hard

The term “unmasking” was new to me when I first learned of my neurodivergence. I saw it on Pinterest and Instagram, displayed in captions and little relatable memes, but what did it mean?

I felt the full experience of what it means a few nights ago when I was invaded once again by rising anxiety, flooding through my mind, and this pressure, invisible yet firm, closing in on me. I knew deep down that I was close to having a meltdown, from environmental things that a neurotypical would brush off. I also knew that I couldn’t melt down; it wasn’t safe to be me. I couldn’t stim, that would be looked down upon with pity. I had to put on that mask, the normal-brained facade I’ve studied my whole life to become invisible and just blend into the sea of normies.

I feel this pressure to mask the most when I am interacting with my family. My mom and her side, for a brief time, my dad and his side. It’s a quagmire, being the offspring of two very domineering, neurotypical, narcissistic humans.

It’s a lot of work. Why am I sharing this? Because if you feel this way, you are not alone. I see you. I support you. I am rallying for you and I to make it through these moments holding space for us to be as we are, and to feel like we are enough. We don’t need to be fixed, we need to cope with this wild world that doesn’t understand us.

Like an ill-fitting garment, the clothes are the problem not your body. Your brain is not the problem, the world favors one way of doing things and that doesn’t make it right. Being louder doesn’t make your point more correct. There is nothing wrong with who you are and who you were created to be.

I hope wherever you are, this finds you well. That you are safe, loved, valued, and being kind to yourself. The world needs more kindness. Know that I love you and support you. Take the mask off, breathe, stim, and find peace.

Until next time ❤

Phone Calls in the Smartphone Era

As a Zillennial, on the cusp of both Gen Z and Millennials, my generation(s) have been stereotyped by the older folks as being afraid of phone calls, preferring a text to a voice on the other end of the line. And for a while, I’d say, yeah, I fell into this place of preferring a text as a teenager or chatting online, in my moody, insecure teenagedom, but then the phone call became this novelty of a thing. Calling someone seemed so serious, I became apprehensive if my question or answer was “serious” enough to warrant a call.

I didn’t want to be a burden, which is such a strange upside-down world from childhood, when the phone was the only way to contact your friends. I remember in the days of late elementary school, email being another exciting tool to communicate, like letters, but now email has become an intrusive contact on my smartphone. And maybe, that’s because email felt like real mail, when you could only check it on your window of computer time on the shared family computer. There was a boundary between online and offline. My mind has been marinating on this since watching a Theresa Yea video called, Why the Internet Will Never Be Cool Again.

I’m currently stuck in an endless game of phone tag, which is quite common when I am talking regularly to one of my parents. With my dad, it was a long game of waiting for that perfect window of nothingness. His layover in a city he found boring, I’d keep him company as he complained about life. Entertaining him and supporting him in his time of boredom, because if he were home, he was on the go every single moment. If I needed him, he would usually call me back on a drive home with a small set window for his attention span or horrible service.

My mom, in a similar fashion, gets stuck in these loops going non-stop. Except she answers the phone in loud restaurants, in the car, or at events, just to tell me that she is not available. She will even talk to other people around her, making me wait, or will pass the phone to the people she is with, as if I want to say hi to them when I really just wanted to converse with her about something important.

There is nothing like being on the brink of a panic attack and having your mom pass you to an acquaintance to say hi instead of listening to your crisis. Especially when you called because you thought they were home and available, but really, your loved one is always on the go. Not emotionally available. I hate calling and being met with passive-aggressive pressure to stop talking and let her go, even though she chose to answer the phone and enter into conversation like she was available at first, only to break that illusion as soon as you answer “how you are doing”. Read the room, kid, but honestly, how can I? This is particularly confusing when my parents both let me know how they would prefer me to live closer so I would be more available, but would it matter?

The video call and the text have become two of the most intrusive manners of communication, because a text should be responded to promptly and a video call, in her mind is perfectly normal to answer in a public setting like a restaurant or car without letting me know before I speak, what I believe I am saying in private to a person who is available to talk, to be swiftly gotcha-ed by the fact that I am not alone, and my privacy is not respected. The video call is like a two-edged sword; it is nice to connect with friends and family over long distances, but it is also a tool that hinders connection. It drops in unannounced and forces conversations that should be private to be open to the room.

I crave the dedicated correspondence of my grandma’s era, when she moved to another town, which meant that calling her mom would be categorized as long distance, and so she and her mom wrote letters to each other every day. I haven’t had that kind of connection with my mom since she got remarried, and I miss that feeling of connection, of being heard. It’s something that carried through my Grandma and my Aunt Florence’s generation, my phone calls with them being so intentional and full of connection. It was a visit, a catch-up, and was treated with hard boundaries. The common thread here is the lack of a smartphone.

Phones were still seen as tools to converse, not mini-computers full of distractions. I find this intentionality coming back to conversations I have with my friends; there are boundaries and moments set aside to converse without distractions. We have planned phone calls or dedicated pauses to set aside other tasks to write longer messages, like letters, through messaging apps. It has improved our communication and respect for each other’s time, in a way that I wish I could have with my parents. I just want to connect and not be connected. I want to converse and not call. I want to correspond and not text.

It is all a pipe dream, because this is never going to happen, they are just too enamoured with technology and the endless possibilities of their boomer generation, and the financial leg up that their generation has to be on the go and do things nearly constantly. We live in two different worlds, and that makes me sad.

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑