Structure and Flow: Sewing in Two Minds

Like I said in my 2025 So Far Has Been a Creative Slump, I am sharing the projects I’ve hidden away in my closet and the photos buried in my gallery. It’s time to catch up on this blog on what I’ve been sewing, because it’s been a journey of new discoveries.

Go With the Flow

In 2022, Kyle gave me a unique birthday present. He curated a mystery box of fabric for me to do my own “Project Runway” challenge – one of those fabrics was this sheer wheat colored criss-cross fabric. It has lived in my stash ever since. It was a fabric that scared me but intrigued me. It’s a stretch mesh burnout pattern, and for over a year, I was baffled at how to sew it without destroying it.

Even so, after I sewed it into a garment, how would I apply it? Would it be a garment that would be sewn layered on top of an opaque fabric? What would that look like? Should I use a high contrast fabric or something similar in tone? It stumped me. I lived with it a bit more in my stash, and it came with me through the move and into the fall once more. In 2024, after two years, I had an idea – sheer layering. A garment I could wear under or over other pieces to add dimension and disguise the oatmeal color that I was concerned would wash me out.

My decision was to make a shirt. I thought making it a “basic” would provide the most opportunity to style it in my wardrobe. I sewed the delicate fabric with my machine very slowly. I relaxed the tension of the thread and progressed delicately, ready to hand-sew at any moment of panic. It was not terrifying; it was possible.

Structure of a Bodice – Armor

Many years ago, back in 2021 (four years ago, what?!) I crafted a structured dress, based on Lizzie Bennet’s dress, when Charlotte Lucas announces her marriage to Mr. Collins. It was a vest and a skirt, with buttons and a collar. It was ambitious but rubbish, yet a project I can’t stop thinking about how I could have made it better.

Enter this fabric and this bodice shape. It looks like an armor piece made of vintage ditzy flower fabric, lined with muslin. I wanted to reclaim what I learned in 2021, but try again in 2025, since the failure of my early projects made me shrink back to “easy” projects. I’ve made things that have challenged me a little bit, but not a true experiment. Constant growth is painful. Think of your body after consistent workouts, you’re going to hurt. It’s part of the process of getting stronger, and it feels at times like a negative experience. That feeling ground me down. I was tired of the learning experiences that felt more like loss and waste than an expression of crafting and artistry. It’s human, it’s passion, how can we not want the fruit of our labor to produce something good?

I made this dress slowly, over several weeks, while working on other projects, while being sick. It was a slow, steady, careful process to make a dress that would bring me joy from the creation and the wearing. The other thing I had to wrestle with, in this project, was shaking off the demons of my Lizzie Bennet dress. It was a dress I felt pretty in, but that I took a lot of crap for my appearance when I wore it out. It was structured, fitted, and flowy. The waist was not perfectly matched to the small of my waist, due to my lack of tailoring knowledge. This dress prompted a stranger to ask me when I was due, and then doubled down that I looked pregnant. I wasn’t pregnant, so to her, I looked fat. Thanks lady.

It was rude and such a breach of boundaries. Don’t ask random strangers if they are pregnant; wait for them to clearly tell you. It feels like a slap in the face for so many toxic culture reasons, the main one is the unwanted comment on your body with the double standard of “pregnancy being the most beautiful,” but don’t look pregnant, aka don’t be fat, because the zeitgeist is fat-phobic. I got rid of the dress and don’t have any photos saved of the dress; that’s how much this experience ruined the dress for me. I lacked the confidence to brush it off. I didn’t understand my body’s proportions and lines, therefore, I blamed my body and myself for the dress not working, instead of my tailoring skills being the problem.

2025 Style – Layering and Reclaiming

I chose to confront this feminine dress style once again. I knew it would clash with the natural lines of my body. I don’t have an hourglass body shape, which this fit and flare dress calls for. I’ve been scared to wear it, but I am challenging myself to try. I layered the sheer shirt I made in 2024 with this dress and a belt to create balance. It’s going to take time to get comfortable, for sure.

The dress not only has this flowy skirt, but it is fully lined, and the front gathering has been tracked down with stitches to reduce waist bulk. I also added eyelets and lacing at the back of the garment to define the waist, Lastly, I added a belt to my waist, which I don’t enjoy wearing, but the effect of pulling the eye to the waist should reduce unwanted comments, I hope. I like the contrast of these garments together. They have flow and structure. Together they create a complete thought, and in my opinion, look like designs with a point of view, which is what I am aiming for in my designs 2025.

May 7, 2025

My 2025 So Far Has Been A Creative Slump

I can’t believe it’s May already, I’ve been so busy with our garden project and a follow up project of screening in our back porch, distracted by Joann’s closure and the evil running rampant in our world that I have been on a slow creative trajectory, and its really catching up to me!

Upcycling, Alterations, Mending

As of late, the bulk of my sewing projects have been preservation, updates, or reworking the garment into something new. In mid-winter, I decided to tailor every t-shirt in my closet. This meant I would be hemming every shirt to end above my hip and bringing the end of the sleeve upward, to end higher on my arm, which is more flattering to my vertical line. I’ve had to repair a few garments and mend some older pieces. I’ve also been taking some of my clothes in and tearing them apart to be upcycled into new projects I can’t wait to share. That I thought I already shared. This leads me to the next point: I have a backlog of projects I held back last fall.

The Head Games of Content

I still battle imposter syndrome, and in doing so, last year, feared that I would run out of ideas. So I slowed down my posting to keep these good ideas and projects in the tank for a rainy day, and instead of this giving me the freedom to create and write without pressure this gave my type-B nature and out to avoid writing, because I had the ideas, and so I sat on them and now it is almost a year later, without these projects having their time to shine. Grinding it out on Instagram last year definitely took my focus from me, and then these constant recession fears have kept me in a place of fear, which has stifled my desire to create, in case I can’t buy more materials in the future. I worry too much. Writing for two years, on this site, led me to a sophomoric slump heading into 2025. I lost the urgency to keep going and backslid into complacency and a lack of creativity. I have also transitioned into a slower creative process in hopes of gaining that spark again!

Hand Sewing 2: Electric Boogaloo

When I began sewing in 2020, I did so through sewing by hand through the tutorials of Bernadette Banner. I did this for two years and then acquired my Heavy Duty Singer, which I switched to using exclusively from the end of 2022 through the beginning of 2025. But this year, I am having some struggles with my sewing machine. I love the speed at which you can make things, but I fear that this boost in speed has dampened my craftsmanship.

When I was sewing by hand, I had the time to consider the project and to ponder where the design was going to lead me. With my sewing machine, I have fallen into a bad habit of making without pausing to ponder. I also started designing simpler, easier-to-sew garments for efficiency instead of art. But speaking of efficiency, I don’t think sewing machines are as efficient as we make them out to be. Mine is quite finicky. It eats fabric and thread. I go through the thread considerably quicker using my Singer than I do by hand. I have to rip seams and sew again, many times, because the machine messed up a stitch or skipped stitches altogether, and I’m tired of it. So my machine and I are taking some time apart.

Slow and Steady, A Life of WIPs

And so, here I am months later with a few finished garments, many WIPs, and a better life balance. Including a refreshed creative well. The time spent working outside with Kyle crafting our screened porch, tilling garden beds, painting, upcycling furniture, studying Japanese, drawing, reading, exercising, etc, has been a wonderful way to remember why I love creating. I find knitting to be my happy place. For a week, I barely knitted, and my mind was filled with far more rage without the needles weaving yarn into cloth. I’ve come to a place in my sewing journey where I want to learn and be ambitious again. I’ve filled my closet with good handmade pieces, but I want to create exceptional, one-of-a-kind things.

I have learned that knitting is my favorite mode of creation, and sewing is the freedom to make what I don’t want to buy or can’t find offered. The process is just as important as the final product, as trite as that is, creation and crafting are where we thrive, not consuming. I find moments of calm in working with my hands and feel satisfaction in stepping away to old creative haunts, like painting or gardening. I think the slump was an important part of growing. I hope that you find creative refreshment and know that you are loved. Stay safe out there, these are dangerous times, and know that I care about you all very much.

May 6, 2025

What About the Garment Workers? 2025 Edition

There are a lot of things about this new Trump term that are setting my jaw. The newest one, though, happens to be the tariffs zeroing in on Vietnam, and something we are losing sight of in this discussion—what is going to happen to garment workers?

Vietnam is one of many countries in the global south that are responsible for the garments and shoes we wear every day. In May 2024, they surpassed China as the largest textile and garment market share for U.S. imports. The nation employs around 2.5 million people within the 6000 garment and textile factories across Vietnam. This rapid growth of 37 billion USD worth of garments being made in Vietnam in 2024, from 26 billion USD in 2017, is due to the low wages of Vietnam compared to the higher wages of China and even higher wages in the United States. In the 1980s, before Clinton’s NAFTA in 1993, garments sold in American stores were made in the United States, but this changed during the Clinton era and has gotten worse in the 32 years since through the rise of fast fashion and the fashion industry’s reliance on cheap labor at the expense of the garment workers.

So, now we bring the so-called “Liberation Day” of tariffs, and since this is a space I like to keep safe, I’m going to move on because I have nothing nice to say. What I want to focus on is not making this job American again, the rising prices of garments, or anything political, and instead I’d like to zero in on what seeing the world with a Kingdom (God’s Kingdom that is) lens has taught me so far this year.

I’d say that my eyes being opened began last year with diving deeper into Fashion Roadman’s channel, which led me to watch two documentaries – The True Cost of Fast Fashion and Perfume’s Dark Secret in 2024. The other revelations that were exposed in 2024 such as the labor practices of Armani and Dior, were very telling for how are garments are made from luxury to fast fashion. It’s no secret that the fashion industry, including luxury brands, is not concerned with the moral cost of their decisions and is solely focused on getting money in their pockets for their shareholders. So, what is going to happen within the fashion industry as a result of these tariffs set on Vietnam, especially with no sign of negotiation from the Trump Administration? I think it’s going to be bad for everyone.

I think costs from the brands will be cut from the quality of the garments being made, to the materials, to the contracts with these factories. I think garment workers will probably see the biggest hit in their work environment and wages, as their economy is hurt. Or potentially the factories will no longer get these contracts to cut labor costs, meaning the production of garments will be further entrenched with slave labor in countries where workers are exploited. Then what will those women be left with? Garment Workers are primarily women, and they are skilled laborers who could be left without a way to provide income for their families.

It’s not okay for so many reasons.

That is why, as we look towards Easter, I am thinking about those who are oppressed in our world, because Jesus came to be a new Moses and lead us through the Exodus Way. Thank you, dear reader, if you stayed with me on this one. I wish this world weren’t such a downer right now, but just know, although we are from the United States, we are not pleased and empathize with how this is affecting you too. ❤

April 7, 2025

Potato Technology’s 2024 Autumn Winter Collection

This collection was about upcycling, trying new techniques, and making things that expressed what I like wearing based on previous designs I have made, but with a twist. The items I designed were 75% sourced from existing materials. They were upcycled from items in my closet, hand-me-downs from my mom or grandparents. They were made from destashed yarn I acquired or fabric that had been in my stash for a long time. I focused more on creating with natural materials like wool, linen and as always, I love cotton.

Vests were made from pillow cases and flannels. I re-worked a sweater from the existing sweater and leftover yarn. I dyed denim, deconstructed denim, and made some interesting new shorts and skirts. I combined leftover flannel from Christmas stockings to create a plaid and denim kilt. I used the cut-off sleeves of flannels from my vest projects to create a skirt from four flannel sleeves. I dove deeper into the world of trousers with two new patterns – a floral and railroad stripe. With each pair, I experimented with fastenings and pockets. I constructed my first “Mr. Darcy” shirt from teal linen using Bernadette Banner’s instructions for the body. I put my own spin on the collar, choosing a wider collar similar to a sailor collar that is popular in anime and J-fashion.

This was the first season I experimented with colorwork in knitting. I made a knit star motif hat from yarn that was leftover from my Magic of Scrap Yarn Cardigan. I made leg warmers, a squirrel motif mitten, and a melange of acrylic and wool to create this ear flap hat that reminds me of medieval European helmets. Although this season of creation was chaotic, I’m not sure if I even included all the projects I worked on, it was a time of great learning. It taught me that fashion design is more than taking raw material and cutting it into a new form.

Great design utilizes new and old. Fashion is about reusing, not wasting, and making things beautiful with careful craftsmanship. It does not mean it needs to be expensive, or need to be made by a great master couturier, it just needs to serve a purpose. We have lost sight of the purpose of fashion, but these projects of upcycling have reminded me that fashion is more than shopping, it is more than consumption, it is about the materials, the vision, the function.

March 26, 2025

Remaking My First Sewing Project Four Years Later

Last September, I felt this aching in my creative heart to make what I didn’t make well the first go around. A project that some would say was insane to attempt as a beginner because of the difficult nature of velvet and the frustration that is sewing with stretch fabric. The dress pictured below was my first wearable garment. I saw the same purple stretch fabric on sale for Halloween at my local Joann’s and my heart skipped a beat. It still exists – I could try again!

You see the first dress I made was constructed so poorly that I ended up cutting it down into a skirt because I was embarrassed to continue wearing it out. After all, the bodice was bunching up and gathered strangely in the back. I lacked the confidence to keep going and try to alter the dress for success. I see now that it would have been an easy make to take out the gathers and bunches of fabric for clean seams, but that kind of thought came with trial and error. I needed a bit more experience and patience to make it right, and at the time in 2020, my younger self was not willing to wait.

But what if I am living in the past? My mind thought, maybe I should let it be and let the dress be a learning experience. I put the purple velvet down and left it, it was not on sale, it would be a sizeable impulse purchase at 15.99 a yard for 4 yards. I can’t justify 60 USD for a passing whim, that would be a poor use of money. So I left the daydream and moved on. Still thinking about that fabric. Another few weeks passed, finding myself in my local Joann’s again. It was my favorite place to explore. I went to the shopping plaza over the weekend where Joann’s remains live boarded up with the lights still on. It was eerie. I found myself thinking about what was blocked off inside? Was the fabric slumbering in the bolts, waiting to be made into something new? Would the yarn ever find a home in a fiber artist’s hands? It felt like a mistake, a bad dream, but it was not. It is over and now it is just a memory.

Anyway, on the second trip to Joann’s during the Halloween sales, I found my purple beloved. The bolt was still full, now marked down to 7 USD a yard. But this time I couldn’t get the project out of my mind. I’m glad I did give in to the creative urge or this project would be left without an ending. At the time, I had no idea Joann’s was going to go under. I thought I had plenty of time to remake this when in reality the window was closing. As I worked on this dress in 2025, I followed Joann’s story with frustration and weight of expectation. This remake is the final try, for this fabric I will never find again.

I made a different dress from the original and that surprised me. I believed going into the remake project that I would duplicate the same dress but with better technique. Instead, it was a project of feel. This time, I had a dress form I could drape the garment on. I had fabric clips with securely held the the slippery fabric together while on the dress form or for a quick test of fit on my own form. This time I understood proportion and where this dress would fit into my wardrobe instead of making a dress that only went with my moto jacket. I reinforced the shoulders and was thoughtful about my stitching, to make the garment strong. I added darts to pull the dress in where it was fitting baggy instead of leaving it like a velvet sack.

It became something new and I am okay with that. None of us are the same as we were years ago, we grow and evolve with every passing year. Making a dress for now, with the spirit and the fabric of my first garment, but with a new neckline and a new fit I think is an inevitability of learning and growth. I had the patience this time to try on the dress, mark what was not fitting right, and go back to work until it was correct. That was not something I was willing to do when I started, because it was all so new and confusing, but with time and practice, those new concepts became a familiar old friend. Like this tan carpet. It wasn’t until I looked at the 2020 mirror photo and the 2025 mirror photo that I saw it. The carpet in the house we bought looks just like the carpet in our apartment in Meadville. How random is that?

I have one more section of the purple velvet left over that I plan to make something with, possibly a mini dress, a blouse, or maybe a jacket. I think knowing this fabric is a relic now, makes me feel unwilling to finish this scrap project, because once it is done. I’m going to feel like my time experimenting with fabric from my first craft store is done. A chapter of my sewing life is over, and I hate saying goodbye. I’m a sentimental person. When things end, I take it hard. I dwell on the loss and muse on it. It might be unhealthy. It certainly makes life harder as a person who wants to keep things alive that are gone, it’s why I think I was drawn to study history in college.

As I keep making things, some of these projects become an archive of crafting past. What are some things in your own life that have moved from the present to part of your past? Does it surprise you to consider these things as your history instead of your current story? Thank you, reader, for joining me again down this sewing memory lane. I hope you have a wonderful day!

February 24, 2025

A New Project ft. Kyle

When my husband (Kyle) and I bought this house, we were looking for a place that would provide enough room to have a garden. We wanted it to be flat, have good sun, a little shade, and offer room to build the garden we have been planning for years. In our first apartment, we grew shamrocks and a tomato plant with varying results.

With each new place we moved the garden grew bigger. At our place in Meadville, on a steep hill of a plot of land, we bought a Green Stalk system to maximize our vertical potential. In the house before this one, we created a garden of containers utilizing totes we had from moving and five-gallon buckets. It was better but not the best it could be.

We craved something less plastic, more grounded. And so with 2025 spreading out before us, we have been planning a new project – an in-ground garden full of plants selected carefully, but Kyle can share more details about that in his own words.

I’m excited to read his thoughts here as a contributing writer because his passion for gardening has taught me so much in our 11 years together. As I mentioned in my very first post, this blog is a little of this and a little of that. I’m excited to share more about life beyond the yarn and the thread, it should be inspiring scenery for sketching! Which I have not done since we moved but I am craving to do once again. Here’s a snapshot of what we grew in our container garden several years ago. I hope you will join us on this adventure. 🙂

February 14, 2025

Editing My Manuscript from 2017

Yes, I finally did it. I found the manuscript and shifted through the 250+ pages to wrangle this story of years past down to a neat 187 single-spaced. It was a mental challenge to revive these characters I knew so well and remember who they were and why they were important to me. More important to me than I think I gave them credit in years past. Saoirse, Kinvara, and Biorn were characters I felt connected to because they were just as lost as I was. They had life toss them about, treading water for meaning in the dramatic family civil war they found themselves in. It mirrored life. It foreshadowed the losses I knew were to come and helped me sort out the mysteries of my own life in an imagined Viking Age Ireland full of shifting alliances and invaders.

After all this time, why now? I have two other novel ideas I want to explore yet I felt unable to write again until Udal Cuain was laid to rest. The leviathan of the past which helped me forward when I was stuck. I believe I needed creative closure. It was a manuscript without an ending. I revised and revised the story in 2018, taking it into darker waters. It became too dark for me to continue as my life was moving from darkness towards the light once again, there were things from history and Irish Celtic culture, as well as Norse culture I was unwilling to interact with anymore.

When I was first working on this project, I was steeped in historical research from my independent study about Early Medieval Ireland and fresh from watching the television show Vikings. It was a time when I was hiding behind a shell, numb from unresolved trauma that I was a shell of myself. Hidden away from my true self, masking and unhealthy. The violence of this show and the research on Irish pagan rituals were something I ignored, even though I cannot think of them without shuttering now. These were things, details I needed to remove from my own writing to find my own peace. Not to censor it but instead to be authentic to who I am. If you want to learn more, this novel will just be a stepping stone for more research because I cannot in good conscience tell a story with such evil and bring that evil to you the reader.

The bulk of my revisions were just that, removing things I no longer felt comfortable with to have the story reflect who I am now.

Being in the present, and seeing through the time how I have found peace in my personal life since writing Udal Cuain in 2017, allowed me to give it an ending. I didn’t know where to leave my characters when I was walking through a season of confusion. I see now that I had to read more of my own story before I could write their story.

Why am I sharing this novel on my blog instead of shopping it around to publish or publishing it as an E-book? I don’t know if this novel is something at this time that I am pleased with as a representation of who I am as a writer. It was a story that I needed to write for myself but not something I felt like it was a story I wanted to have out there for people to rip apart. I don’t feel ready to put it to market so I am sharing it on this blog for you the reader to read if you would like to do so.

Analyzing how I wrote the story and talking through the novel planning process has been more rewarding than seeing it as a published book. It was a process that gave me meaning then and still rewards me now for the things I learned through trying something new. When I started jotting down ideas for Udal Cuain I was a non-fiction writer, preferring essays and historical research as a medium to write, as well as a creative expression like poetry. World building? Not a thing I thought I could do, nor did I think that creating characters and crafting dialogue would be as fun as I thought. If you have an idea, go for it! You will surprise yourself by what the discipline of writing and creating will do for your mind. It’s challenging, confidence-building, and relaxing to escape into a world of your imagination. I believe you can do it!

Thank you, reader, for supporting me and viewing those Udal Cuain novel writing posts. It gave me the encouragement to go back and finish what I started many years ago.

February 11, 2025

Socks: An Update

Several months ago, I started a new side quest in knitting – making socks. It’s a windy and treacherous climb, fraught with new equipment and an entirely new approach from a garment like a sweater. At the beginning it’s like casting on a mitten or a small hat, yet as time goes on you realize you are somewhere between a knitter and a sculptor, looking for the heel shape in your amphorous block of yarn. It is the most challenging garment I’ve made, culminating in going over the waterfall, at least that’s what turning the heel felt like at times.

What makes this ubiquitous garment so hard to learn? It’s a project of multi-tasking, like dribbling a basketball and moving at the same time. You are not only knitting a pattern – a sock, but you are also learning it on a new court – double pointed needles or with a magic loop configuration on circular knitting needles. There is also the third option, the one I leaned on when I was baffled by hitting gauge on my project and fed up with ripping out my progress over and over, knit flat tube socks that are sewn together to form the tubular shape.

My first two completed sets of socks were made this way, with straight needles to help me process all I was learning from these new techniques. It was the confidence boost I needed to keep going and finish the sock. I get overwhelmed in new projects when nothing is familiar but taking one part, flat knitting, and keeping that as the control part of the experiment let me knit and see how it should look and feel when the socks are completed. To better understand what I was working towards on double pointed needles or circular needles. Flat knitting also gave me the chance to try something I’ve never done before as a knitter, I cast on two socks at a time on my needles. It was incredibly satisfying to finish each sock at the same time!

With this new found confidence I carried on and cast back onto the straight needles, making a brown pair of socks from recycled acrylic that wash and wear well. These green socks above are a blend that is mostly wool with a hint of acrylic in the yarn and they are hand wash or steam only for me. I wash them gently with either shampoo or conditioner in the sink, carefully to prevent felting. For my next project I wanted to explore fiber content, so I cast on a sock with three strands – two fingering weight wool and one acrylic. I chose this composition to test wear and washability, to make these a sock I could worry less about washing yet would insulate my foot, this was during a month long stretch of cold weather, dipping into the negatives fahrenheit so my mind was on cold weather. I decided to make these chunky socks into a sock I would use to insulate my L.L.Bean duck boots which are waterproof but are canvas, not insulated at all. They are a boot I want to wear for cold weather and snow, but they make my feet cold even with two pairs of socks.

As I got to the heel portion, I knit these socks cuff down, I made a last second decision and transfered my project to my round needles, joining the row into a round a stitches. With my heel turning reference book in hand I began turning that heel! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! I don’t think I executed it perfectly, but I conquered a fear. Now, the tough part of the process is that my handwork for circular knitting is subpar. I hold my stitches too tight and the tension hurts my fingers the longer I knit on a project. The only way to improve this is to keep practicing, yet I don’t want to practice. The second sock is cast on but I have yet to make progress on project because I am dreading the circular process and those tight stitches that come from inexperience.

Is this sock the best fitting sock I’ve ever made? Yes! Is it better than store bought ones? A 1000% yes, and I’m a novice so they are going to get better with practice. It’s an art form we wear everyday without thought, but it is truly a sculpture of yarn. Next time you put on a sock, have a moment of appreciation for the geometry, the symmetry, and the sculpture adorning your foot.

February 3, 2025

A Shy Girl Goes To The DMV

I’d say this photo, featured above accurately represents how I feel in situations like going to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) to renew my driver’s license. It’s a blur of moments, faces, government jargon, and touch screens. The big stack of papers signed and passed along in the process of closing on a house is more etched in my brain than the 20 minutes at my local DMV location. There is something about the dull, harsh lighting and bland walls covered in bulletins, electronic screens, and directions. It’s overstimulating and yet underwhelming. It is not a place I feel comfortable in.

This feeling began many years ago during the driver’s permit test process, in a different DMV, equally dull and filled with too many signs and screens. There was always one piece of information I was missing. A document my mom and I forgot, or a process out of order. The test was deceptively easy to study and terrifyingly tricky when taken, and I almost missed too many answers due to the sheer amount of distraction of the dull yet harsh environment.

This time, was one of those such times. Renewing in 2017 was easy, it was a new DMV with friendly people. Renewing in 2021 was an absolute breeze because there was no need to go in for the photo, just click and pay at home. It spoiled me. Renewing this time in 2025 was one of those DMV experiences fraught with tricky trip-ups.

Not surprising for me, it’s been a place I have been thwarted for years, from nervously failing the parallel park portion because I was afraid of my test proctor and his gruff demeanor or forgetting to keep my permit up-to-date and having to renew to test to wait four months for another testing time. The government process is nothing if not inefficient and a war of attrition.

The gauntlet was thrown down. Waiting for Christmas and New Year to pass, I renewed my license online and got stuck in a loop of changing my address. I then could not reach the process to renew anymore, because it was updating my address. So I mailed my renewal and waited. I then received two separate address updates for the license set to expire, but no update on my renewal.

Two weeks passed and I began to anxiously check the internet for a timeline – usually within 15 business days. Oh no, business days…I sent it in the mail on Jan 2, how many days would spend in the USPS system? Then a former president passed, delaying mail service. Was renewing it a month in advance not enough?! We then checked online, showing it had been renewed. Phew! But, when? I received another piece of mail, updating my voter registration automatically, but no temporary license or camera card.

Each day as the mail came, I ran to check it like Ralphie waiting for his Little Orphan Annie secret decoder pen. I began to worry, was my license going to expire waiting for it to show? Was it all going to unravel because of the sluggish pace of the government institution? How was I going to follow behind in my car when my husband’s car went for inspection in February? Was it back to walking for me?

Then one beautiful day I heard the mailbox close with a slam (it’s a very old cast iron mailbox), I scurried from my work room and descended the stairs with the promise of the future in my eyes. My delight was palpable as my hand pulled a DMV envelope from the mailbox. The envelope tore with ease, revealing the temporary license and camera card in my hands. All was saved!

On the next good weather weekend (it’s been a winter of snow squalls) we made our way to the DMV for the last battle left, the camera portion. Now as a shy person, this is the part that still makes me want to recoil. I never liked picture day at school. When a camera is pointed at me I can’t smile normally. I feel like a spotlight bears down upon me, filling me with dread. My smile looks unnatural, sometimes like a grimace if I smile with teeth. If I smile with a closed mouth like I did throughout my braces era, it looks uncomfortable, my shyness written across my face.

Filled with shyness, I sallied forth, pulling my ticket in preparation for a long wait. To my surprise, my number was called immediately and I had to go to a completely separate area, by myself. Something I dread in unfamiliar places. So in a flurry of adrenaline, I went into the photo room and unbeknownst to me went to the wrong side of the table to sit down. The DMV lady shouted at me, my face immediately turning red. Embarrassed and ashamed at my accident, my apologies flowed forth. She continued to scold me in front of the other citizens there to get their photo. It was incredibly awkward.

She was sweet to the other people and continued to speak to me with contempt, even though I continued to apologize for my mistake. I was flustered. Ripping my paperwork and not knowing where to go. Soon the others in front of me were served. It was my time to smile but to be honest, I was so embarrassed and concerned they were going to remove me as a security threat, I knew that wasn’t going to be possible.

Then the weirdest thing happened the lady switched from harsh to calm, saying she needed to yell at me for the camera on the ceiling or she would face consequences. (What? That’s bizarre.) It was tough to trust the nice demeanor, was she going to snap at me again if I made another mistake?

At that point, I was introvert drained from the drama, and wanted to hide. My posture could not hide my internal feelings as I sat down in front of the camera. Flash, the first picture snapped displaying a red-faced blank expression. She offered me a retake and snap, and a turtle-necked miserable-looking photo appeared on screen. I believe she offered me another retake but my mind was far away.

I continued to make mistakes, including selecting Arabic on my screen to fill out a few more things for completion. As she handed me my card, she apologized finally for scaring me, which I appreciated and I wished her a good day. I looked at my ID card and was horrified, the person doesn’t even look like me. The bottom half of the image is stretched out, compared to my photo from 2017 it looks like I aged and let myself go from how distorted the image is from what I saw on the screen.

It was the cherry bomb on top of the 2025 battle: DMV vs. Shy Girl.

I’ve tried to remind myself that what is important is that I did it, I didn’t cry when shouted at, and I didn’t give into my anxiety and bail. I did it and persevered, the bad picture happened but it doesn’t reflect what I actually look like and no one is really going to see it. But dang, what an awful experience! I think why the new picture feels like such a jump scare is it is all my fears wrapped up into one – aging and looking ugly and fat. My culture is obsessed with thinness and beauty. Plastic surgery is becoming normalized and it is sickening how vain we all are becoming. I forgot to do my hair, I didn’t wear foundation just a little eyeliner, and I forgot to gua sha.

The picture was just me and things out of my control like getting scolded, bad lighting, and a stretched image created something without beauty, because beauty is not the goal for the DMV, it is clinical and for the process of identification. It is a stark contrast to the world of filters, good lighting, and curated perfection fed to us in this current age. Seeing that ugly image, rocked my confidence because even though I find my worth in Christ, I still live in this fallen world that equates beauty and youth with virtue and worth. So what happens when life happens and time passes? We become older, we gain weight and no longer look like the size 2 self from our teen years?

Is everything past that point worthless? I realized, as I looked at the image of my expired license and the new one that having the same picture for two renewals, warped my view of how I am aging. The younger version also was far more curated as a coping mechanism. I used to be a stickler for straightening my hair, wearing makeup, jewelry, and food restriction to be in the beauty standard to blend in, like an outer shell. Protective, candy-coated.

But the younger version of myself would have been unable to cope with a stranger yelling at me without crying and shutting down. Any picture of myself I saw as ugly, I had no confidence even at my skinniest. All the things that have happened since 2017 – loss of loved ones, getting shunned by family members, reconnecting with my dad and his family only to get hurt again, losing my place to live, having nowhere to live, and crashing in people’s guest rooms for a few weeks, moving to Georgia and back, subsequent moves out of sketchy landlord situations, my first job, my first layoff in a global pandemic, etc.

It’s been a lot and through that process, I grew character and began to unmask. So what if I don’t look the same as I did in 2017? I thought I looked ugly and fat in my 2017 ID photo and was ashamed. It’s just a photo on a driver’s license card. I like the person God has shaped me to be more now in 2024, than the person who was lost and far from God in 2017. Cheers to growth!

January 29, 2025

Checker Board Pants: Making Pants From Your Favorite Jeans

In 2024, I was inspired to start making pants. I had attempted making pants before and they were successful but I struggled to make them feel like more than just a pair of lounge pants. Part of this was caused by not choosing a good bottom-weight fabric, and instead opting for a lightweight summer cotton that draped beautifully but didn’t give me that tailored look. I also tried an ill-fated scuba fabric in 2023 that crashed and burned because my thread tension was off. Enter this checkerboard denim print I purchased at Hobby Lobby. It was denim but lighter, not too heavy to be a problem for my sewing machine. But how would I find the right pattern?

I had a pants pattern in my stash for menswear trousers, that I considered using on this project. It’s a solid pattern and would make a straight-fit pair of jeans, maybe not the style I was going for though. I considered buying a new pattern, but then I fretted that the pattern would fit me weirdly or might not fit at all. The current style in 2024 still featured that tapered-in waist on pants that favor an hourglass figure, not my rectangle athletic build, so should I risk it? A big reason I chose to make pants in the first place was that I was sick of shopping and trying on pants that made me feel weird about my body. The men’s section was my go-to for their up-and-down pattern cutting, compared to the extreme tapering and high waist silhouette of women’s pants. Even low rise was stuck in mid-rise inseam, not the true low waist inseam I was accustomed to in the 2000s and early 2010s that helped me find good-fitting jeans because they favored my shape not the post-bbl world of fashion. I digress, my point is that buying a pattern someone else drafted felt like a risk because the fit is such a personalized thing.

My solution was to take a pair of pants in my wardrobe that I liked the fit of and to trace that pair of pants to gauge the shape. I did this with a pair of jeans that were high waist but had a nice loose fit through the hip and leg for the K-pop-inspired baggy jeans style I was interested in making with this 1990s Vans checker board print. This worked swimmingly! So much so that I traced the jeans onto a piece of brown craft paper for a quick pattern to reach for on future projects.

I chose to record this project, start to finish in video from instead of video to have a memory of how I did this to learn for myself and remember what I did but to also inspire others to try this. Pants are intimidating, especially from a paper or PDF pattern. The written instructions and diagrams have puzzled me in past projects but truly, pants are simple once you see how its done. I wanted to help others feel that freedom to create because at least in my American fashion market, fast fashion has destroyed the craftsmanship of pants and standardized sizing. I referenced this in a previous post, Shaping Up where I had to confront the dressing room terror of things not fitting and seeking to not be defined by my jeans size, when trends and pattern cutting shape shift sizes, but to take control of it on my end and get healthier in 2023.

This pants project was one of the most challenging and rewarding projects of 2024. I faced my fear of sewing denim, inserting pockets, and fastenings. I chose to not attempt a fly into I had more pants sewing experience, instead I planned to make what I knew I could achieve under my skill set. I opted for a side closer with a drawstring to have an adjustable fit since the denim had zero stretch. The denim containing no stretch was a feature I sought because I believed it would be easier to work with as it was my first project of this kind, and I wanted a crisp tailoring from the woven fabric. A key thing to note is that the jeans I used for my template also are non-stretch denim. For an accurate this is paramount or else the project will not work. Either you will cut your project too large or too small. It is also essential to leave a seam allowance on your pattern pieces. When self-drafting it is your responsibility to take charge of the seam allowances and plan ahead.

I messed this up with the crotch line and had to make a quick fix. My fix was a diamond gusset. Popular in women’s leggings, this diamond gusset shape piece allows for greater mobility while maintaining the strength of the seams.

The second challenge I faced was the problem of a narrow bolt and an all-over pattern. This fabric was quite narrow and because I was cautious with my seam allowance, I cut my pieces large. This meant that I was not cutting from the longest side, but the most wide. The pattern pieces were cut out missing length on the leg. My solution was to add on to the bottom and pattern match. It’s easier to match than people say, it just takes patience and intentional sewing. I’m pleased with how seamlessly I got my pieces to match up.

The pockets were a challenge. How do you place them? How do you insert them with strength so the pockets can be used without pulling the pants down or ripping? I chose to place them angled on the sides, aligned with my hips so that they would be practical and not create weird bunching at the front of the pants. No wonky crotch fit here!

Would you make your own pants? I hope I inspired you to get creative and go for it if you are sewing-inclined. Thanks, reader, for joining me once again on this quest to grow my fashion design skills. Have a wonderful day!

January 21, 2025