Category: finding peace

Why Not Fall Cleaning?

It’s that time of the year when I come alive the most, and that means I prepare like its a new year, before the frozen embrace of winter sets us in place. I feel a flurry of energy to take stock of my yarn and fabric, go through my wardrobe to declutter, up cycle, and repair. I organize, I dream, I plan home improvement projects for those slow, hunker down days. I don’t feel this way at all in the Spring, I feel worn down by the winter icy, and dry air. I feel the weight of the garden, on my shoulders, and the desire to be outside again and sketch on the porch. The last thing I want to do is re-organize my house and clean. So is it the cadence of the four seasons that brings this rhythm of preparation to fall? Is is our fixation on the academic calendar? I’m not sure. It has been a time tested fixture of human culture. Forever, we have been preparing for winter, harvesting, hunting, and making.

So why, is it called Spring Cleaning? Surely Fall Cleaning would make more sense. I found that it is an ancient and modern phenomenon. The earliest mentions of a “spring cleaning tradition” are found in two west Asian cultures – Persian and ancient Israel. Iranian culture celebrates Persian New Year, Nowruz, on the first day of Spring. To recognize the new year, Iranians prepare by “shaking the house” a thorough clean, or “redd up” as my Western Pennsylvania culture would say. This makes a ton of sense to me. Honestly, I wish our modern New Year wasn’t in January, for my climate dictates the New Year kicks off during the coldest month! Not a time to do anything really other than waiting for the snow storms and negative Fahrenheit temps to pass. It makes for quite a boring holiday. The latter should have been obvious to me, growing up in the church, but I did not connect the two that Passover preparation could be the origin. During Passover, all things made with leavening or fermentation were removed to remember the Israelite flight from Egypt.

For a more modern origin, coal based heating systems would prompt a cleaning ritual in North America, to open up the windows and clear the soot. Honestly, quite a lame origin story, but important. I think a house down the road is burning coal in an burner, and I absolutely despise the stench of it. The smoke is thick and dark, permeating the air in the cold pockets of January’s bitter wind.

My fall cleaning, I’d say has a lot more in common with Nowruz than Passover or cleaning away soot. I love the description of shaking the house, it reminds me of how my Papa would describe my Grandma’s penchant for order, “She’s mean on clean.” As a child, I had no appreciation of her passion for cleaning, now as adult with my own spaces to keep tidy, a good straight up of the house brings me joy. I’ve been tackling the ever-present chaos of my craft room. It began with a sort through of my inventory, organizing it all into banker boxes and a new drawer set from Amazon to keep the fabric folded and yarn skeins arranged by fiber and weight. I can actually find what I need, when I need it, for the first time in my sewing and knitting life! Who knew a few boxes could be life changing? Organizing my stuff the way my mind processes it, well it has cut down on distractions. My easily distracted Neurodivergent brain used to find everything in my tornado of a closet, but the project I was looking for. It made everything take longer than normal, a simple search, an odyssey of investigation and forgetfulness. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I rode this high into my closet, going through it all and organizing more, t-shirts by color family, mixing up my storage solutions from hangers, to zipper bins, to planning shelves to make there be a flow. Putting clothes away can turn into a series of doom piles, because the system was badly designed by me. I needed a way to keep the organization going, while I sorted and folded my clothes, yet again a bad plan led to me sorting through a random drawer for the third time that month, instead of putting the rest of the laundry away. It was a waste of time, leaving me frustrated once again at my squirrel brain. A flow to getting dressed, and a choreographed dance of freshly laundered clothes waltzing into their places once again. But why stop there? Less to organize would be ideal. Thus began a lovely fall purge of clothing into piles – donate, up cycle, repair, and trash/scraps. All the clothes, shoes too! I feel so empowered. I have struggled to part with anything since experiencing grief and trauma in the 2020’s, and it has been embarrassing. I will live with too much stuff, wanting to re-home it, yet being unable to part with it, in some guilt that I don’t understand. I think the burden of my mind is fading, with healthy clarity returning to my heart. I’m not saying goodbye, over and over again, I am being a good steward of things, and sometimes that means you have to let things go. Even my handmade items that may not serve me, but could make someone else happy.

With a clearer mind, I feel inspired to create. This comes ever fall, with a flurry of ideas for new sweaters, accessories, and clothing. This year is a special one as I have been making pants, from scratch and from up-cycled materials. I will be fine tuning my cold weather accessories too, with plans to make excellent hats, mittens, and socks. I’d also like to make a bag or two. My sweater plans are more focused this year. I understand how to make the thing now, so how can I make them better? I guess I shook the house of my creativity too, in this clean.

Do you feel motivated in fall to get things done? Are you a fall cleaner or a traditional spring cleaner?

A Sea Of Shifting Sand

The more I feel like I should suppress my feelings about something, the more I feel it pressing upon my heart to be bold and talk about it. Can you relate?

I feel like my world has been swirling around me since 2024. Change. Good or bad, I never feel prepared. Leveling up in life, it is rewarding yet sometimes it is more akin to biking up hill and shifting gears downward for the tough pedaling ahead. And I wonder if there are more people feeling this way?

My early thirties have been incredibly rewarding – buying a house, adopting a rabbit, building a garden, successfully sewing pants, etc. But they have also been a sea of shifting sand globally, professionally, and personally.

We all know the public, political bad – the orange fool that has put us all on blast for 2 years. The price of everything, including yarn & fabric has challenged my professional goals because it is so expensive. It zapped my creativity and threw me off my game. I mean, how can I feel inspired to create when neighbors are being kidnapped and put into concentration camps, and our tax dollars are going to fund a war and a genocide. It’s dark. Like where is the joy when that is happening and your “representatives” are trying to silence your right to vote?

I basically took a year off from sewing to regroup, picking up my thimble again this August. I threw my focus into yarn crafts – knitting and crochet, pondering what my plan is going to be to fight for what is right. It’s been humbling to understand that I can help and also this whole situation is systemic, and will be far more difficult to get to the bottom of then I realized. But game on.

AI and the poor economy has been discouraging to my professional goals of becoming a pattern designer. I would like to be a full time, fiber artist, that is bringing in money. But AI has been a one two punch of stealing work and stealing engagement of artists everywhere. It has made creativity feel hopeless, and sharing work online, like I am contributing to a malevolent overlord.

AI and data centers are like a curse dropped into our lives, disrupting what worked and what gave us joy. Now, we have to fight for our water, environment, and creative expression. I know we humans will win this one. I fully believe AI is a fad that will cause a bunch of damage and then collapse – like mining and steel, it is just going to be messy in the present and future. 

What I wasn’t prepared for was the personal complexities of marriage, healing from childhood trauma together, and the doom spiral of parents having health issues and also toxic parents dropping in to rock your world. I have felt some days like nothing feels familiar. Some days, this healing journey that Kyle and I are together has feel like a canyon, spreading between us, and we’ll never rejoin on the same road again. It has been so weird.

Why doesn’t anyone prepare you for how hard marriage is? Or how outside forces and generational cycles can seriously fight the strong bond you have with your spouse. I feel like he and I have been in the trenches on one of these outside problems for a decade now, and I just want us to be able to climb out of this together and walk home hand in hand, but people are complicated and so for now, we keep holding on together and waiting for the hard work to be over.

I have never tried so hard across so many different relationships, and tasks (gardening, house responsibilities, social media marketing) to grow and succeed just for things to unravel over and over again. I have felt like I am on a boat that cartoonishly keeps springing leaks, and I am out of limbs and props, to stop the leaks. Some days I wish the cartoon rapids would just appear already so I can sail over the waterfall and smash the boat to bits, because my best efforts feel so futile. I get burnt out and want a change. Because perseverance is exhausting. Choosing to be hopeful and keep going can feel like a cruel joke.

What has shaken me to the core though, and I’m nervous to talk about, is the way the church doesn’t feel like the church to me. My churching friends have become far too comfortable with Christian Nationalism and it is freaking me out. The blind eye to suffering, and the hyper fixation on “sins” that are not sins. I have always found it baffling that the concept of a person in the church getting a divorce, or seeing Catholic believers as “real” Christians is controversial to some people. It’s those kind of opinions that get canonized by the group, that are so destructive.

That’s not even dipping our toes into the sexism, purity culture, and racism that has been alive for centuries. Seeing how normal this is, has been infuriating to me. It has made me feel like I don’t know where I belong anymore. And to be honest, has awoken real life pain of never feeling good enough to be a “good Christian” to some because my parents divorced.

To be clear, I 100% believe in God and that God is good, and that it is the church, the humans, that are taking things to a bad place. I’d like to elaborate more on these reflections in another post, because I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like I am at risk of being sucked into the corruption in these normally “safe” spaces.

It’s not what I thought the church and my christian friends would become. The corruption is running rampant here, and I hate it. But this is not the first, and won’t be the last, because constant sanctification is needed to continually keep our focus on what is important – loving others as God loves us.

I have a ton of stuff to work through, and I am so far from perfect. I just want to open up about things I have been too afraid to open up about because of the highly controlling religious school settings I have found myself in as a kid, and no I did not go to Catholic school, I went to very Calvinist leaning private schools.

So we’ll see if I am brave enough to keep unpacking. I think we all just need to air this stuff out to move forward as the body of Christ in a healthier place, that is not wrapped in a fake cloak of hidden sin and cyclical shame of those who want to talk about the sin being tolerated, because the church in America is fine with teaming up with the political machine and money chasing.

This was a rambling one, but if you stuck through, I appreciate you.

Learning To Walk Away From Arguments

What is one way you have grown this year?

When someone is attacking your character, threatening pillars of security like your house, your cars, your bank account, for their own revenge, and is inciting derision in your relationship, how do you stay calm? I’ve been wrestling in these thoughts for the last month as a very unexpected thing happened that threw us for a major loop. I’ve been slow to write for this reason, because I felt so angry and bitter. All is good now though, in spite of the stress and the anger at the perpetrator of this stupid drama, but it begs the question, what does one do with these emotions?

When someone is attacking me, it’s a real struggle not to fight back and defend myself, or respond from a place of past pain and fire back with more gusto than the other person in an attempt to shut the argument down. But does that actually work? A younger me thought it did, but then younger me got the butt kicking of a lifetime by my uncle, who took a declaration of frustration at him and him alone, and manipulated it into a full on family fracture to hurt someone I love very much, my mom.

Lesson number two came from another family member, on a different side of my family, who doesn’t stop arguing. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, this person won’t stop nagging, or pushing their agenda. They refuse to take responsibility for their choices. They are the final boss of arguing, and it has taught me that fighting with this person in any way is futile. It doesn’t matter how wrong they are, they will not concede and so arguing, although it may feel good in the moment, for the temporary release of the emotional pressure valve, is dumb. There is nothing fruitful in addressing the problem with them, because they are denial of what the problem is really about. It’s terrible.

This has a paradoxical shift in my mind. Addressing the problem and dealing with it, is what I believed the healthy purpose of arguing was based in, but life is not that simple or noble. People are far more complicated and broken for that simple notion to be true. Learning to not engage, and walk away, even when someone is hurting you with their words, is the only way through sometimes. And it is incredibly difficult to master. It’s something you usually don’t learn until you are faced with impossible people. In the moment, you feel like the weight of their words outweighs what you know to be true. It feels like giving into manipulation, but it is not about surrendering at all. It is about preserving what is left of the relationship and moving on.

It is the art of learning not to argue. In both examples, my uncle and this other family member, created a stressful environment for me that left one option left. I have to walk away and not defend myself. I have to leave the argument behind. It is not weakness but instead a firm boundary rooted in the promise of a better tomorrow. It is taking the space to breathe and realize this relationship meant more to you than it did to them, and letting them go to fester in their own creation of chaos. You want better for them, but you can’t change them, or control them.

I have not mastered this, not even close. And to be fair, I have had many one sided arguments in my head. Their has been tears and lots of ranting. But not trying to explain myself or defend myself has helped me understand that their minds are already made up, and peaceful co-existence not being possible, is a them problem. I can’t want it more than them, I just have to let that part of our relationship evaporate into the sunshine. I have to focus on protecting my mental health by releasing the stress and hurt in healthy ways, like laughing, exercise, and quality time with family and friends that value the relationship with you, and want the best for you.

In time, walking away from arguments will get easier, I hope. This has been one of the most difficult lessons I have learned, in life. With both of these people, being members of the church, it has been a rough one for my faith. There is such hypocrisy in these relationships, and they both claim the high ground.

Leaving these relationships unsettled and broken feels like a failure, as we are supposed to live in harmony with each other, including other believers. Why doesn’t this bother them, like it bothers me? It makes me feel like a bad Christian. But that is probably another argument I need to just walk away from too.

Do you ever feel this way? Have you mastered the art of walking away from arguments? What helped you develop this skill?

I’m Going to Miss Watching Colbert

I was pretty late to the Late Show party, becoming a fan after it was canceled by CBS, for ‘purely financial reasons.’ What a shame that is! I think what we need more of is laughter. Pure, intelligent comedy for the sake of the joke. Not for the algorithm, or to bow down at the altar of tech bros, or the gold Nebuchadnezzar statue of Trump. But to instead frustrate the heck out of these life-draining entities with comedy.

In both my personal life and the greater world around me, the stress level is high. Morale is low. I think we’re all feeling tired by the burden of man doing what is right in his own eyes. But wait, there’s more! Now, the so-called “Christians” are whoring themselves out again, like the Israelites did in the Old Testament, raising up idols for their own gain and neglecting the covenant God made with them. It’s infuriating to be an adult and realize that this story is not a Bible story from the past, but a living example that continues to evolve with the generations, in repetitive cycles of taking God’s name in vain. Being the absolute worst representatives of God’s image, and claiming their actions are blessed by God.

As a kid, I naively thought this was what people from the past did, not us. In our “Christian” nation. I feel so dumb remembering how duped I was by the authority figures around me. As I got older, like we all do, we begin to see the signs of hypocrisy and corruption around us. Nowhere was it more apparent than in the Christian bubbles and institutions I interacted with. I remember my parents and grandparents warning me that the deepest cut would be in these circles. That sinful actions would feel more harmful in these environments, because we expect the believers around us to play by the rules, but we don’t. We treat each other just as badly, and sometimes worse, than the non-believers around us.

Politically, the age of MAGA and the culture wars of the last decade have exacerbated the tension in this dance of Christians being terrible representatives for the gospel, but wonderful representatives for their political parties, and the sin patterns being held onto, instead of being transformed by the sanctification process.

What I have the most irony, as I reflect right now as I write this, is that for my whole life, I have heard that the problem with America is that the church doesn’t preach sin anymore. This is usually targeted at things like unmarried couples living together, promiscuity, homosexuality, and gender expression. But I realize that, yeah, this is one of the problems with America, but not for any of the reasons listed above; instead, racism, bigotry, political idolatry, Nationalism, greed, capitalsim, extraction of the global south, ICE, Fascism, and more recently, worship of Trump, are some of the sins that are not preached about in the majority churches – and these sinful behaviors are running rampant in our world, destroying whole nations like Palestine, Iran, Congo, Sudan, and Lebanon for the sake of these bloodlusts “sanctioned” by people who aren’t being taught by churches that this is sin.

Getting back to the point of this post, all this darkness has felt like a dense fog spreading across all the light and truth, but comedy, by those like Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel, has cut through the complicit silence. Now we only have one of these shows left, although Trump calls for Kimmel’s job constantly. I’m going to miss Colbert’s voice in the void and hope that he finds a new place to do the same thing – call out the evil and stand for the truth, while making us laugh. The sweet pressure valve release of laughing through things that scare us is essential, I believe, for us to maintain our humanity.

It is a non-violent fight against fascism, an unwillingness to buy the crap they are selling us, and remain focused on what is good and true, when the propaganda tries to drown it out. That’s what is happening here with CBS, a complicit, chicken-sh*t response to pressure from above. What they have chosen to silence is the reminder to be kind, to be unwavering in our beliefs, and to not let the bad around us determine who we will be.

I’m thankful for the time I got to watch Colbert’s show, for the comfort pause to laugh through the ‘Hormuz news you can uz’ segment, in the middle of a war that none of us want but can’t depend on our leaders to stop, while watching our tax dollars be ripped from social programs to bombs and guns. It was like a balm to the soul, a place to reset and breathe, with a laugh. A way to process together. Thank you, Colbert!

In the meantime, what will I do? Watch Jimmy Kimmel. Rock out to the Piedmont Raging Grannies, and laugh my butt off watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.

New Habits to End 2025

First off, Happy New Year! Thank you to anyone and everyone who took the time to check out our work in 2025. You are a blessing to us!

It’s been a much better end to the year, from where we wandered in 2025. I swear this year was mentally, more taxing than others. I never knew marriage could be this difficult. Or being a daughter. There were some big moments, behind the scenes where I felt like my life as I know was as stable as an earthquake and I couldn’t tell anyone.

I’ve gotten better at sitting with my problems by myself. That is one thing, I am finding comfort in again. Being by myself, without a bunch of screens to make me feel like I am being “social” when I am not.

Habit #1

Since Thanksgiving Day, I have been limiting my time on social media. I have a timer set to a few minutes for Instagram, most days. I have done this successfully now for 5 weeks. At first it was a but tought to keep it at zero, so I cushioned myself to 15 mins. By Christmas week, I didn’t feel any pull to open the app. The only connection I do feel to my account is a few online friends I have met, who without Instagram, are disconnected from my life. Therefore I am keeping my account, but I am detoxing my addiction. With a record of two weeks without posting.

Habit #2

In December I started challenging myself to do pushups again. They started with knee pushups and have risen to a record of 20 real pushups in a set. My goal moving into 2026, is to do these consistently throughout the week and be more fit, along with the other exercises I do – rebounding, wall pilates, and yoga. More consistency.

Habit #3

Books. I am watching less Youtube when I knit and reading more. I listen to audiobooks through Libby and read while working on other days. So far I have completed four books, which sounds pathetic, but I had not been reading at all for years. I would read a book or two per year since we moved to our current town. I missed the previous city’s library and the mental wellness to focus. But this summer, we joined a local to us library and restoked my desire to be bookish again.

Final Thoughts

Unintentionally, I already started my “resolutions” and it feels great. It shows me that maybe finishing a year on a good note is about setting yourself up with good habits before the “fresh start” and if you are feeling a bit off going into 2026, maybe get off of socials too? Except for wordpress, truly a great group of people on here. 💖

0

More Reflections, A Year With a Bunny Part Two

One year ago, we adopted Mia from a local rabbit rescue. We knew life would change, but we didn’t consider how much we would change and grow from this experience. These are my reflections on how our little house bunny, Mia, has shaped us in our first year together.

Awareness

Today, I accidentally scared Mia. I came downstairs from working out, with music playing on my phone, distracted and not considering the little bunny, snoozing in a deep sleep. As soon as I looked up from my phone, I was highly aware of what my blissful ignorance hath wrought: ears standing tall, eyes wide, and body tense, ready to run at the slightest hint of danger. Before Mia, I was aware of what startled me, but with Mia and her own sensitive ears, it has challenged me to approach life with an even gentler touch. Today was a day I forgot, but with each passing month, these moments of unawareness are decreasing. Getting used to how aware Mia is of her surroundings was intimidating at first. I remember feeling on edge those first weeks, feeling like I was unable to relax – scared to scare Mia – a bit impossible of a standard!

I’ve learned to be quiet, internally and externally. The desire for quiet, for the little prey animal in our midst, has become a craving for quiet coming from a place inside me. What felt like a burden at first has become a blessing, because the awareness of the sound level, the peaceful environment I wish to create for Mia, has become a goal I desire for my own needs. The awareness of the quiet and the peace is something that I need, that Kyle needs. It’s healthier for us, but in this distracted and noise-polluted world, I don’t know if my awareness was going to attune to this again without Mia.

Structure

Mia has a schedule, possibly wearing a little watch somewhere under all that fur. She hops to her dinner spot around 5 pm, and waits for her breakfast starting at 8 am. She knows what time we should go to bed, with a precision I wish I could stick to. I’m not blessed with a sense of schedule. I tend to drift off course, but Mia is teaching me structure, and her needs are reminding me how comforting a schedule can be. Taking care of her is teaching me more about what I actually need to take care of myself in a healthier way. How is this little bunny so wise, so intuitive? The promise to care for her, every day, is a responsibility that I thought would feel heavy and burdensome, but instead, it is a way I have rediscovered purposeful living. I am grateful.

Letting Go

Detachment from physical things is the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn from living with Mia. Mia loves to chew my stuff. She has chewed holes in sentimental blankets, she has forever changed favorite pieces of furniture, and she will take a chunk out of newly made pieces fresh from my workroom. She doesn’t discriminate from store-bought items either – brand new overalls, my phone case, my Nalgene bottle. This has stressed me out. Mia has chewed the couch, a brand new coffee table hand-built by Kyle, the freshly painted baseboards, slippers, and I’m sure there will be more. I’ve gone through the stages of grief. I’ve had moments of intense frustration and questioning it all. But when I committed to adopting Mia, I told myself that I would remember that people are more important than things, and in this case, people and little furry members of the family.

The Floor is Great

I love sitting on the floor. I have always loved sitting on the floor; it grounds my mind – no pun intended. But dating and spending time at future in-law houses and not wanting to be weird, renting with worn wood floors, and moving into adulthood with busy schedules, changed my life from a cozy floor sitter to work chairs and collapsing into couches at the end of the day. Or sitting at my sewing table in a chair with bad posture. I stopped sitting on the floor. But with a rabbit, they like and need you to be on their level. I believe it is essential for bonding with your rabbit. At the beginning, it was hard. It felt unnatural after a decade of not being on the floor. The floor felt hard, unwelcoming. Even with carpet. But after a few months, I felt comfortable. My hips and back hurt less when I spend time on the floor. A year later, I am back to being a floor dweller. Without Mia, would I have ever gone back? I don’t know, but wow, my body feels more comfortable, younger even.

Slow Down, Be Present

The final thing that my rabbit soulmate has taught me this year is to be present and slow down. Mia is already four; she has an estimated lifespan of 12 years, which is not a lot of time when you really care about someone. I don’t want to miss any more moments with her. Kyle and I celebrated 9 years of marriage this year, 11 years together. Time feels like it is flying, and I want to be more present in my relationship with him. My mom and my stepdad are also getting older, and I want to be more present. Mia is teaching me that. Where I can, when I can make the choice to pause what I am doing to spend time with her, and I challenge myself to do so. That has been a challenge. I tend to hyperfixate on projects, which burn me out, but a difficult bad habit to break.

This year, I have created less, but I am feeling the balance being restored to my life. Without Mia hopping over to spend time with me, who knows if I would be shifting my perspective to a healthier state of mind? I can feel my mind and body feeling less stressed. Mia naps a lot, and that is another piece of the slowing-down puzzle that I am learning to accept without guilt. Rest is important. Rest is necessary. Slowing down is good for us. But we resist, because it’s tough to go against the grain. Rest is seen as lazy, even though our bodies and minds get burnt out. Living with Mia is helping me reset those misconceptions and take better care of myself.

Final Thoughts

I would 100% recommend adopting a rabbit if you have been thinking about it. Adopt any pet, actually, or volunteer at a local animal shelter. Do your research and get involved; it will change your life for the better. Animals are so calming. Mia has helped me open up again, in ways I thought I was closed off for good. It’s helped me understand my neurodivergence, my sensitivity, my trauma. She just gets me. She listens, she is there. She has become a best friend, and don’t we all need more of that in our lives? And what about Mia? Well, I’m honored that we got to provide her with her furever home. She has a big space to zoomie around, endless hay, and pets. She gets to watch TV, explore the couch, and have all her toys and treats to herself. She is the center of attention and trusts us. It’s amazing to know a prey animal trusts you. It challenges you to be the best person you can be.

#78 – Can You Feel Optimism in 2025?

This is a bit of a follow-up to my discussion of cultural boredom from earlier this year, a little update to my creative slump, and exciting developments for my hunt to replace my reliable crafting supplies. The world still feels like it is on fire, but I think I am learning how to thrive again. It takes me a long time to process things, so maybe that’s why?

Spaghetti and Gnarly

Le Sserafim released a song that captures the wonderfully nonsensical world of a good K-pop song. Spaghetti is catchy, silly, and makes me crave spaghetti, so that’s what I am cooking tonight. It is what I remember the music videos of K-pop to look like when I took the plunge in 2022. It was fun, and in the last few years, it has lost some of its luster with darker concepts, instead of cute, and a bit uninspired. Although I’m fully into K-pop, it has been repetitive and bland for most of 2025. Except for my favorites – Stray Kids and Nmixx. Enter Gnarly by Katseye. A song that is so jarring it’s bad but also amazing, it’s been a weird one for me, the thesis of this year, it has felt like. “Everything is gnarly.” A phrase that has carried me through bizarre headlines and life’s bumpy road this year. For me, Gnarly was going to be the song that typified what I remember feeling in 2025, until Bleep by Stray Kids dropped in August. But now, I hope I will remember moments that feel like the upbeat wonder of Spaghetti. What about Golden? I desperately need to compile notes for K-pop Demon Hunters because that has been such a gift.

Big Twist at Michaels

Big Twist is back at Michaels, for real, and it’s kind of silly to admit this, but it feels comforting. There’s a Joann Knit and Sew Shop section in the store, and like, maybe it was a bad dream? I mean, all the crafting drama definitely happened this year between private equity, tariffs, and Sci Show declaring the arrival of physicists to help the knitters. The familiarity was maybe all my neurodivergent mind needed to just relax a bit? Now the fabric is not good, but it could get better in time. I’m choosing to be hopeful, I mean, the recent US election showed a strong rejection of the Trump Administration, so as people have said all year, if it can get worse, it can get better. And for me, who hates change with a passion, I’ve learned that if it disappears, it can come back. I just need to work on my patience. I have found a second local yarn store in my own state, and a great local fabric shop. I’d say I’m pleased to the point that I am not missing Joann like I thought I would.

Stitches for Identity

I believe I am finally moving out of the depressed forest that is being laid off due to personal and global trauma. I’ve been listening to Kitchen and Jorn’s Losing Followers Podcast, where they have been talking through the post-Buzzfeed time of their careers. I was in a toxic job at Great Dane Trailers in the late 2010s, and it was freeing yet terrifying to lose that job. Listening to Jen and Kristin talk through the transition of leaving a job that demanded all of them, to be free from that monster, but also lose all connection to the project they built from the ground up, has been a balm to me. When I was laid off, I lost my app and my content calendar, my magazine contribution. I was wrecked, and I didn’t know how to process that for years. I felt like a loser. I dove into crafting, and for years, those stitches of thread and yarn gave me meaning.

The blog, though, and finally this year uploading my manuscript to this website this year connected me back to what makes me feel like me. I have always been drawn to writing, and not having that or a way to work towards something bigger than just sharing my creations on social media was gnarly. But this blog and your community have helped me find my way back. I mean, heck, Udal Cuain and my original blog, where I shared chapters, was the portfolio that landed me the corporate job. Although it’s gone, what I learned and experienced stayed with me and has made me grow into who I am now. This has been a full circle.

It’s been freeing to admit to myself and loved ones that I was depressed by that career loss. Starting over again has been confusing, but it’s not all figured out yet. There is still time to find a new place where I belong. I’m in the process of recalibrating, and that is a direction in itself. I feel freed from the weight of “monetizing my hobby” and the impossible summit of creating a small business as someone who truly is not cut out for the accounting or marketing parts.

Unmasking and Coping for the First Time

Truly, though, as I reflect on this year, getting serious about health – mental, physical, and emotional – for the first time has contributed to the feeling of optimism I have leaving 2025 that I did not have entering 2025. I have healthier boundaries in relationships, more honesty about how I’m doing, and whether I am feeling overstimulated. I recently got into rebounding, aka a fancy term for jumping on a miniature trampoline for cardio. Wow, I like this for my mind! It resets me, and it’s helping me get stronger. I used to feel ashamed of who I am. I didn’t understand why I felt so different, nor did I know how to communicate burnout without pushing friends and loved ones away. Being unmasked was tumultuous for the first couple of months, but now I never want to put that neurotypical mask back on.

How has 2025 changed you? I think it has made me unapologetically empathetic. Bolder to say I disagree with wrong because the stakes have been higher than ever in my lifetime. I hope to carry that forward into 2026, because I think the opposite of late-stage capitalism is community, so let’s burn it down with empathy. Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. I wish you love and kindness.

0

Planning the Final Makes of 2025

It’s that time of year when the holidays kick in, motivating me to dream of all that I can make before Christmas. But this year I am doing this a little differently.

Stitch/Life Balance

I started working and planning earlier. I usually think about what I want to make around Thanksgiving, a month or less before Christmas which is an impossible deadline. Last year I made a temperature basket and pushed to finish it in three weeks, it was tedious and down right miserable.

Create Better

I had better out comes with smaller projects, like mittens for my mom. This year I am also using distinct inspirations, so the projects are easier to execute well.

Started Earlier

I started my Christmas planning in August and began work in September, a first for me. I am debating on whether to gift a fully completed sweater or keep it, it was made without a clear goal and is a cozy crochet cardigan. If I choose to gift it then, I actually started in July which is the ideal timeline for me. I would like to start making as early as possible next year.

Holding Projects for January

I have made one Halloween project, but other than that I have been focused on making for other people this fall and it feels great. No stress.

There are several projects in my mind, but I am holding them for later. January feels like this depressing months of “after” all the excitement of the holidays. This usually includes a lapse of creativity too. I tend to push myself to make all my winter stuff in fall. To be honest, it’s dumb.

It can frost as late as June where I live, and snow in earlier May. It is cold for at least the first quarter of the year so why limit my timeline?

I am hoping this new creative strategy will lead to better makes and a happier maker.

Soul Crushing Dread

I am struggling this week to not feel down. The Federal Government shutdown and Pennsylvania Government shutdown is causing havoc for a lot of people. SNAP benefits are being paused Nov 1, so is a program in Pennsylvania which helps people pay for heating costs. You can see the blood of the RSF genocide in Sudan from space. ICE is being spotted more in my state. Every thing is gnarly, to quote Katseye. There are some personal things being worked through behind the scenes, that can drag me down, and I just feel sad. My heart is heavy. I would like evil to disappear. As corny as it sounds, I’d like world peace for Christmas.

I hope you are doing well, and know that you are loved. Hang in there. I am struggling as a sensitive person in these overstimulating times.

0

Bring the Fall

I have been a bit lax with my writing lately, but I’m feeling inspired. The chill returns to the sunny blue sky, orange steeps upon the leaves, and the need to stay warm welcomes me back with open arms. I love fall. I love sweaters, flannel, corduroy, and denim. Getting dressed when the weather is crisp.

These are my favorite outfits, I’ve worn recently, using pieces I have sewn, thrifted, or upcycled. The only piece I bought new is the overalls, because I failed to make my own.

I’ve been getting into whimsy-goth style, like Practical Magic. I’ve been layering with sheer, with knit, and with textures. I’ve been drawn to brighter colors for the darker months. I’m trying to find the joy, before the year ends, and find a better way to end this challenging 2025.

So now that I have sat with my thoughts for months, finding my way out of the woods with my crafts, I am going to get chatty again!

I think what is bringing me the most excitement right now is kpop. Karma has been a wonderland. Chaeyoung of Twice’s solo release was Black Keys perfection. Nmixx new Blue Valentine era is thrilling, Red Velvet-esque, and the most exciting sryling I have seen from a girl group other than Twice in 2025. Taeyong is coming back from the military in December and I am beyond ready for punchy NCT to be back. It’s been 18 months of change and sadness since he left, we need the NEO king back. I’m also impatiently waiting for fellow NCT’s Yuta to release his full album at the end of October.

In other things, Mia is doing well and we are so bonded. It’s everything I hoped for! I’m excited for Saskie & Co’s second book to be released – Saskie Knits. I’d like to get my hands on both of her books. The Great British Bakeoff is back, and that has made for a lovely few weeks. I’m learning new crochet stitches, such as the waffle stitch and granny stitch. I can identify single crochet, half-double crochet, double crochet, and treble crochet stitches. I have also mastered using my yarn swift and ball winder!

I am faltering on my language learning, with a steep decline in practice sessions since June. But I have begun to hear the difference between Korean and Japanese. Even being able to identify a YouTube AI mishap where a kpop song had English subtitles with kanji appearing instead of hangul. By reading the Japanese, I concluded they did not match. I can also tell the difference in speech patterns between Korean and Japanese, identifying key grammar structures. So, I guess, if nothing else happens this year with my language learning, it is marinating up there and I am retaining it.

There have been some really trying personal things going on behind the scenes, that although I probably share too much on here, I can’t discuss. But I can say I have never felt more like I have been drowning than this year. As we head into fall though, I think the source of the stress is healing and I am grateful to be moving towards peace.

My last bit of good news is that I got a rebounder! Also known as a miniature trampoline for cardio. It is a blast. I can’t wait to get healthier and hold less tension in my body.

What exciting things are on your horizon?

2

I Am My Own Crafting Worst Enemy

This is an unplanned part three of my “Drafting Shortalls From Scratch” because I did not succeed in making my overalls for winter. Although I have made shortalls twice this summer, a few silly, but very human mistakes, led to the project going awry. This is what I think went wrong:

  • Flew too close to the sun when tailoring
  • Planning < No Plan
  • Lack of Focus
  • Measure Once, Cuss Twice
  • I kinda hate sewing when it feels this hard
  • Putting too much pressure on myself
  • Not Buying Enough Fabric
  • Not Mocking Up
  • Not using my Patterns when I’m stuck
  • Research the Basics

It’s so easy to think we’ve got this and be too confident when going into a project. With knitting, this approach of fearlessness had led to some great projects, but with sewing, this artistic type of approach crashes and burns. Sewing is fabrication, as weird as that sounds. I think I was prepared to sew such complex tailoring projects, such as my shortalls, this summer, because I spent the spring building a screened-in porch with Kyle. Woodworking is very similar to sewing, I learned! It is about measuring, planning, creating things in a specific order, and constructing something that is built to last. When we started working on the porch, I never imagined how much it would teach me about garment construction. But it gave me a template to focus on. Who knew that woodworking would be such an inspirational experience for me?

So why am I sharing this? I am really struggling to accept that sewing is not coming easily to me; no matter how much I practice, it continues to challenge me. I’d like to invite you to join me in not giving up on those things in our lives that are hard.

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑