Category: Blog

I Wanted To Learn More About Kpop

What is your favorite genre of music?

K-Pop. Boy bands, girl bands, flashy music videos, and complex choreography. BTS. Blackpink. PSY. It’s a genre growing in popularity in the West and you’ve probably heard of it. From the outside, it might not make a lot of sense. So where did this cultural wave of music and fashion originate? Well, we gotta go back a few decades. (Note: I became a fan in early 2022 so I am limited in my knowledge – I’m sorry if I don’t mention a band you stan <3)

Brief History of K-Pop

Western musical influences entered Korean culture in 1885 and continued throughout the 20th century after Korea’s liberation from Japanese occupation in 1945, due to the US military presence and the Korean War. USO tours brought artists such as Nat King Cole and Louis Armstrong to Korea, sparking interest in Western culture and music. This continued into the 1990s as Korean artists experimented with musical styles from other cultures and developed their own sounds. These included folk and rock ballads, with Korean musical groups, like the Kim Sisters performing in Las Vegas and on American television shows in the mid-20th century. J-Rock had an influence in the later 20th century.

The modern K-pop era began on April 11, 1992, when the band Teo Saiji and Boys debuted their first song “I Know” on Munhwa Broadcasting Corporation’s talent show. Their song showcased new jack swing inspirations from R&B and hip-hop which kicked off a wave of Korean hip-hop artists of the 1990s, such as Drunken Tiger. In June 2023, Stray Kids released the song Topline with Tiger JK of Drunken Tiger. Until 2012, K-pop was a success in Asia but hadn’t reached worldwide reach until PSY’s “Gangnam Style” followed by EXO’s debut in 2012, the debut of BTS in 2013, and finally, the debut of Blackpink in 2016. Blackpink would become the first K-pop group to headline at Coachella.

Record Labels, Trainees & Survival Shows

So where do all these bands come from? After the success of Teo Saiji and Boys, first album, and a new appetite for the hip-hop and R&B musical style of these emerging 1990s K-Pop artists, three labels were started that continue to be some of the biggest labels today – SM Entertainment in 1995, YG Entertainment in 1996 (formed by a member of Teo Saiji and Boys), and JYP Entertainment in 1997. This shifted the K-pop industry’s focus to teen-centered music and idol bands that would capture the attention of teen boys and girls – the structure we still see today of boy groups and girl groups. The business was modeled after J-pop in Japan.

Trainees who want to debut as idols undergo rigorous auditions and training to learn singing and dancing skills, but also how to navigate the media by their etiquette and attitude, as well as knowledge, of the Korean language because not all K-pop idols are native Korean speakers. Current examples of this are Lisa of Blackpink, Johnny of NCT 127, and Felix of Stray Kids, who all became fluent in Korean through their idol training.

Another element of the debut process for some groups can involve reality tv style survival shows. The Mnet Survival Show became very popular in the 2010s and led to the formation of many groups including TWICE, Seventeen, ENYPHEN, Kep1er, Momoland, and Stray Kids. The trainees compete against each other while gradually being eliminated. The top seven of Twice’s survival show “Sixteen” were selected to debut along with an audience favorite and J.Y.P.’s selection for eight in total with members added later. The contestants went on to other projects, some debuting with other groups.

Maknaes, Leaders, and Visuals

Something that I found hard to follow at first was the term “maknae” meaning the youngest person in a group, but I’ve learned through time and research that it is a part of Korean culture to recognize who is oldest and youngest within a group. Each group has a recognized maknae, Jong-ho in Ateez, Yuna in ITZY, NingNing in Aespa, and our Maknae on Top – I.N. of Stray Kids.

The oldest or an older member of a group is usually the leader usually each group has a leader, except for some groups like Blackpink, K.A.R.D., New Jeans, etc. The leaders write music and contribute to the group’s concept alongside the producers but they are also the spokesperson for the group and keep the group in order. Some current K-pop group leaders are Taeyong of NCT 127, Mark Lee of NCT Dream, Hongjoong of Ateez, Chaewon of Le Sserafim, and Jihyo of Twice.

Another thing that threw me off was the designation of the visual in a group. There are many roles within these groups – leader, maknae, lead vocals, lead rapper, main vocalist, main rapper, main dancer, sub-vocalist, and the visual. Basically, the visual is the member who best represents Korean beauty standards within the group and has been a part of K-pop from the beginning. Jisoo is the visual of Blackpink, Hyunjin is the visual of Stray Kids, Yeosang is the visual of Ateez, and Miyeon is the visual of (G)-IDLE. There can be a lot of debate between fans on who is the visual and being the visual doesn’t keep you from serving in other roles.

Fandom Names, Lightsticks, Sub-units & Bias

Each group has a fan name with BTS’ fandom name probably being the most famous – ARMY. Blackpink fans call themselves Blinks. Stray Kids have STAY, Ateez stans are Atiny, and NCT fans call themselves NCTzens or NCTizens (pronounced N-citizens) as they are citizens of NCT City (Neo Culture Technology). Twice fans are called Once which I think is cute. EXO fans as a group are called EXO-L and fans individually are referred to as Stars. Itzy has MIDZY and TXT has MOA which stands for moments of alwaysness. Moments of Alwaysness as a name is quite poetic and dreamy. Fans are also referred to as stans, as you stan the group you are a fan of.

I thought lightsticks were pretty gimmicky until I saw videos of them at concerts and close-up videos of the lightstick designs – they are actually pretty cool and unique. I personally love Ateez’s lightstick concept the most, both version one and version two because they feature pirate motifs. I also love the cute and slightly menacing Blackpink double-sided heart hammer light stick as well as Cherry Bullet’s squirt gun light stick.

Some groups have sub-units with the actual K-pop group concept and they will release albums within these sub-units while still being a part of the original group. These albums have different concepts than the original group. Notable Sub-units are NCT U, NCT 127, and NCT Dream all within the group NCT. The fandom name NCTzen or NCTizen can be applied to all. Girls Generation has a sub-unit called TTS or TaeTiSeo, Seventeen has BBS or BooSeokSoon, along with many, many other sub-units across K-pop.

Your bias, or selecting a bias is just selecting your favorite member for each group. Your bias wrecker is a member within that group that makes you want to switch your favorite member. At the moment, in Stray Kids, I’d say Felix is my bias and Changbin is my current bias wrecker. In Ateez, Hongjoong is my bias but Wooyoung is turning into a bias wrecker.

Comebacks, Music Videos, and Discography

I first got into the music by watching music videos while I rode my exercise bike, through this I learned to not sleep on K-pop music videos – they are integral to the concept as K-pop is quite visual from dancing to fashion, it is a part of the experience. My early favorites were Kick It by NCT 127, Kill This Love by Blackpink, Don’t Stop by Ateez, Maniac by Stray Kids, and That That by PSY & Suga. I love the aesthetics at play and how the members are styled for these videos. It is in my opinion more inspiring than reading Vogue or watching fashion week anymore.

Comebacks and discography were the most confusing to navigate, to be honest. Comebacks refer to the new release by a band, that includes the promotional material for the concept, photo cards, choreography sneak peeks and dance challenges, performances, the music video, and the single/ep/album being released. There is a lot involved! And to make it more confusing bands release full Japanese albums, compilation albums, and mixtapes that are all different. If you are going to buy a K-pop album I highly recommend doing research first.

I made that mistake with my first album purchase – I bought a BTS album second-hand and bought the wrong version. The store had three different versions of the Love Yourself album. I wanted the version that contained the track DNA, and out of the three versions I purchased the only version not to have DNA. Yep, I bought ‘Tear’ but it was a great learning experience and helped me explore their discography more.

Wrap Up

I hope this little guide is helpful to you if you have been curious about K-pop or have a loved one or friend who is a K-pop fan. It’s a fun world to escape into. There is so much more I could dive into but this post would just be endless so thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

#30 – Watercolor, My Old Friend

Over the weekend, I felt a sudden urge to paint again. I’d shunned my art supplies for two years, collecting dust on a shelf. Art was such a connection to my dad and is family, when that connection became strained my love to create with paper and paint became complex, a time of dark contemplation instead of creative freedom over what was and what could have been. As we drove home on Monday night, passing through a frantic rainstorm to the breath of fresh air that is sunshine, I was struck by how beautiful the summer sky is in the evening. The tall clouds of a thunderhead, whispering clouds on the other side, a pink and orange fantasy against purple and gray misty sky, all grounded by the rolling green hills below. It was a blast to soak in the sights of these big sky moments as we drove north back home on a interstate.

The next morning, in bright sunshine I decided to give it a go and try to capture what I saw that evening – this is what I came up with. It was a joy to create with this medium again after so many years without picking up a brush, but with a clearer head. I guess time really does heal everything. Do you like watercolor painting or sketching? Have you left a hobby for years only to realize it is something you really love?

Sunset After the Storm

Rain in a Fading Light

Clouds in a Misty Sky

#29 – The Satisfaction of Mending and Alterations

I’ve found there is something serene about mending your own clothes. I find it almost a joy to launder the items and collect them in a pile for a day of slow, methodical stitches and problem solving. It makes the chaos of holes and rips into the calm of rejoined fabric and orderly hems. There is a satisfaction in fixing an item that was broken, making it as good as new. It reminds me that in life when the problems come, and there will be problems big and small, that it’s not over when trouble comes.

Like last night, when a scratching and rustling sound echoed from our chimney to the fireplace below. All I could picture was that scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when the squirrel terrorizes the living room, scurrying from table to chair, knocking things over and crawling on Clark.

Of course this happened after dark, naturally as it does, when the stores are closed and the exterminator or animal control would be closed. In a frenzy we grabbed a sheet of plywood from the wood shop and covered the hearth opening. I called my neighbor, who has become like framily (friend-family) to me. They shared advice from their own experience with critters in their house, wrapped me in a hug and calmed me down with some good laughs. When I came back home, although the bat or squirrel or whatever it is, may still be on the other side that plywood I felt okay.

Having caring and friends who love and support you is the mending thread of our lives when things get weird.

Seams and a New Gadget

Today’s mending agenda consisted of re-attaching a missed seam on a pair of underwear I bought from a big brand, the pieces of fabric were connected across the seat seam with a serger aka overlocking machine and it either ripped the fabric which dislodged it from the seam or the pieces did not get sewn together in the first place. I have a love-hate relationship with the practice of serging ends and seams. I know it saves time and uses less fabric to finish seams but dang, they tend to unravel like nothing else. So, is it really better? I’m not sure. But that’s my opinion.

I’m doing a repair on a tank that I made from a burnt orange knit fabric. I made an unwise decision to take it in at the armhole which made the fit around the bust odd. It’s pulling and the stitches are placing too much stress on the knit fabric, which I saw the aftermath of while unpicking the stitches that made the armhole smaller. There were some big rips! Now the underside of each armhole looks like it was chewed up. Which to honest made me feel a bit stressed out because I enjoy wearing this piece and I don’t have any more fabric to patch the whole with. Thankfully my new gadget made this process of closing each rip easier – the palm thimble!

As I mentioned before in #21 – Sewing When I Lost the Love For It I have developed tendinitis in the knuckle of my middle finger of my sewing hand. This is what drove me to stop hand sewing in general and get used to using my Heavy Duty Singer machine. But alas, there are still times when you need to sew by hand like when inserting a zipper, mending rips and holes in fabric, and button and buttonhole insertion. I ran into this problem whilst completing this vest for my father-in-law. Just a few hours of hand sewing these buttons and button holes, awaken my injury and my knuckle was not happy. It’s made hand sewing a bit tense for me because what if it keeps getting worse? I love doing this, I don’t want to stop making things or knitting.

But, I was browsing my Instagram feed a few days later and behold a creator I follow named Geri In Stitches was sporting an intriguing accessory – the Sashiko thimble by which she pushed the needles through the fabric with her palm instead of putting stress on her finger. I used mine today for mending and it was a completely difference experience! My finger is not in pain, the knuckle is not inflamed or swollen. It worked! I’m over the moon excited about it.

Taking in Garments

Along with mending today, I also took in three pairs of shorts that were just draped to the point of looking silly. It’s an interesting feeling when I have to take items in because there is that feeling of, dang, now I have to fix something that wasn’t even broken just for the right fit. And there is also a feeling of accomplishment because I have been getting healthier.

I’m tackling my inflammation from food allergy and stress, toning up through interval training sessions, and making healthier choices that is helping me slim down a bit. I went through a decade of gaining weight and not understanding why I couldn’t lose it. It was frustrating and discouraging to feel so out of control. If only I had the wisdom to see how much the mind and the body are connected. The food allergy was giving my body anxiety and inflammation, making it difficult to maintain let alone get in better shape. Mind was so foggy from the stress and emotions of that time period that I didn’t want to take care of myself because I thought – what is the point?

When I have the opportunity to do these alterations, it’s this little moment of progress without having to weigh myself on a scale which is my ultimate trigger into a unhealthy spiral, but also to feel this moment of this will be an easy sewing project today. The item is already completed, and well loved. It’s relaxing compared to garment construction when I can still screw things up.

Later on today, I have another round of alterations, replacing a waistband tie on a pair of shorts and adjusting the fit on another pair of shorts. And then it will be time to put my thimble away and leave process for the next time. But with each wear I will remember the time and love put into these clothes to keep them in good order. A well loved closet.

Do you mend your own clothes? Have you ever taken a garment to be altered or do you just make it work? Before learning to sew, I would just accept my fate if items broke or stopped fitting. It’s a freeing feeling to not be stuck in letting the clothes decide for you. I’d recommend giving it a try or finding someone who can help you with their own sewing skills. It truly makes a difference.

Current Travel Bucket List 2023

Daily writing prompt
What countries do you want to visit?
View all responses

Japan

This has been a slow burn since getting into Japanese fashion aesthetics, which ignited my fascination with styling and fashion design. Fruits magazine was the gateway to an intensifying desire to learn, experience, and appreciate Japan and its culture. From Japanese Ninja Warrior to Studio Ghibli to Akira Kurosawa, each has been a step deeper into an affection for a country I’ve never been to but feels so much like a place I could feel at home.

Since watching James May: Our Man in Japan and Ivan Orkin’s episode of Chef’s Table, I’m certain that I will go there someday, or else I will feel deep regret. The beauty of the land and the rich culture calls to me. My goal is to be fluent enough in Japanese by that point that I will be able to communicate in Japanese more than in English. I know it’s a lofty goal, but it would mean so much to me. After traveling to Rome and Paris, I realized how much I wish I studied Italian and French before arriving.

Specific places I would like to see would be each of the islands, Kyushu and Shikoku for sure, and spend time outside the big cities. I’d like to see Hokkaido blanketed in snow. Preferably this trip would be a slower one to explore without rushing through the islands, with time to experience an onsen, a ryokan stay, and a traditional kaiseki meal. Attending a Japanese baseball game would be high on my list too as well as staying in a rural village.

Argentina

This is a new addition to my travel list, thanks to the wonderful travel content of Samuel and Audrey, who have showcased Argentina’s beauty and food with such authenticity. Before finding their travel videos I knew little to nothing about Argentina, but the experience Audrey and her dad share through the vlogs and memories of living in the Cordoba region have piqued my interest! Lately, they’ve been sharing their experiences of visiting Estancias in rural Argentina near the Patagonia region. The scenery is breathtaking.

Australia

To be honest, I’ve wanted to visit Australia probably since I was a child. I grew up at the height of Steve Irwin’s Crocodile Hunter show. Steve and Terri Irwin’s work beyond crocodiles, educated me on the incredibly unique animals of Australia which in turn made me want to go to this one-of-a-kind place. As an adult, Melbourne’s unique food culture is a driving force behind a visit, as well as the Australia travel van life videos of Flying the Nest have expanded my interest in seeing all of Australia.

Kenya

This is a special one. Through Compassion International, I currently sponsor a child who lives in Kenya. Sponsorship means that I help his family with schooling costs and health insurance basically. It takes the financial pressure off of his family. With that being said, I would love to see his home country and experience his culture. He and his family are so dear to us and it would mean a lot to visit Kenya. I’d also love to explore Africa beyond just seeing Kenya. Top Gear UK has done two Africa specials, one in Botswana, and another one that explored Central Africa (Tanzania, Uganda, and Rwanda) which looked like an amazing trip.

Poland

Karolina Zebrowska put Poland on my radar and her love for Poland has been contagious. Poland itself is beautiful. The pictures and videos I have seen of Krakow look stunning. Growing up in Western Pennsylvania, the pierogi is a staple that I adore. The Polish delis around Pittsburgh are fantastic and I’d love to experience the authentic food of Poland. Another reason Poland is on this list is because of the people and their empathy, compassion, and generosity. The way in which they welcomed Ukrainian refugees into the country with love and open arms, taught me and challenged me to emulate this instead of being a complacent American. It’s about people, not politics.

Korea

K-Pop. That’s really the basis for my deep desire to visit Korea. Before K-pop entered my life, I knew very little about Korea except the cuisine was delicious. After being a K-Pop fan for 1.5 years, I’ve dived into other areas of Korean culture and I’m a fan. It looks like a stunning country with incredible food, people, hiking, and baseball. I’d like to see Seoul and browse the K-fashion boutiques and street food while exploring the city on foot like Seoul Walker. Busan and Jeju are on my list too, as well as attending a KBO game.

China

China might be the most fascinating country of them all. The vast amount of diversity in culture, geography, and cuisine, is overwhelmingly awesome. Xiran Jay Zhou and Mike Chen have educated me, as well as the many Anthony Bourdain episodes in China, that China would be a never-ending story to explore and that excites me. Now this is the one country on my list that I don’t think I’ll actually make it to. The China I want to experience and the China that currently exists are in conflict.

The government’s despicable actions towards Falun Gong, Christians, Hong Kong, Tibet, and the Uyghr genocide, to name a few. Not to mention their general lack of regard for their own people’s human rights and free speech is in tatters. So this will probably remain only a trip in my imagination. But, a girl can dream.

In my dream scenario, I’d like to soak up the architecture of both ancient and modern. The mountains of Zhangjiajie National Forest Park are breathtaking. The rainbow mountains of Zhangye and the Fujian Tulou circular homes look fascinating to explore, as well as the Terracotta Warriors in Xian. Pagodas, tea, noodles, bao, art, moon gates, etc. I’d like to see as many provinces as possible and go east and west, north and south to try to scratch the surface.

#28 – Banchan, Hiragana, and EuroCrash

Have you ever tasted picked daikon? It’s a delightfully vinegary and crunchy root vegetable surprise from a vegetable I’m not sure I would have tried without the pickling. Popular for both Korean banchan and Japanese cuisine – takuan. As my first canning “solo” project, I decided yes this would be a fun place to start. I thought of the stir fry, noodle, and snack opportunities!

I’m so glad Kyle bailed me out because oh my, it was a lot more work than I expected. I was fine with the mise en place. Peeling, chopping, and soaking the radish in salt to extract liquid was no big deal. I find this part of canning relaxing. Where I got in the weeds was the part that involves boiling water.

Making Pickled Daikon Radish

As a clumsy person, placing glass jars into boiling water to sanitize was daunting. The hissing cauldron of steam and water showed me its fury a few times. Once I got passed getting burned, there was the tiny detail of not breaking the jars when placed into the boiling water. Boiling lids to boot.

Now to the second part of canning, I take for granted when working with Kyle – his ability to understand pickle brines. He can find peace in the process where my head is still computing how this all works. Needless to say, I got nervous and asked him to help me with making a safe and accurate pickle brine for these picked radishes (takuan). 🌞

As I mentioned briefly in #1 – Welcome I am studying Japanese, something I plan to share more of at a later point, but with studying Japanese, canning this Japanese dish gave me the opportunity to practice writing hiragana. I chose to label the jars in Japanese to give myself the opportunity to practice not only writing the syllables of the hiragana writing system but to hopefully retain these syllables in my brain by having to read the word in Japanese. It’s a small detail, but I hope to do more in order to commit the language systems and words to heart.

Crosley: A Fine Car

We had a rather big delight dazzle our television on Thursday night – the premiere of The Grand Tour’s Eurocrash special which may be the best one they’ve made on The Grand Tour. I say that every time a new one premieres, but I don’t know, this one just hit a new stride and then topped all my expectations. It’s like the new Ateez album that was released on June 16, I was a fan and then they made the Bouncy (KHot Chilli Peppers) Music Video and I’m fangirling even harder.

I’ve watched Eurocrash twice since Thursday and I’ve laughed as much as I do when I watch Top Gear UK with Clarkson, Hammond, and May. Their creativity continues to surprise me.

I particularly enjoyed the three cars selected for this road trip through Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, and Slovenia. Richard chose the toon-town convertible truck, the Chevy SSR. It looks like something Goofy would drive around Disney World in the 1990s.

Jeremy’s Cruella De Ville car I absolutely loved because I have an affection for cars aesthetics between the 1920s-1940s cars. I love design from that time period and sometimes I wish the shift in car design into the 1950s had been pushed back for a few decades. The Mitsuoka Le Seyde reminded me of the cars in The Legend of Korra actually.

Now James’ car was a whole other ball game, it was an actual 1940s car that aside from the terrible engine seemed almost futuristic to me in that wonderfully nostalgic way of the Jetsons. I think Crosley had some good ideas with it if only the motor was made for an actual car. The hot rod with a specific slogan was their best comedy backup car to date!

I left that special feeling properly chuffed and dreaming of visiting the beautiful countries of Eastern Europe.

#27 – Scones

Each week I find myself, hands covered in dough. The way I used to be as a kid, except instead of baking bread or sweet roll dough, I make a little thing called a scone. Or “scon” depending on whether you hail from Northern Ireland. It’s a simple thing. A new part of my routine. That little moment of quiet time, as I cube the cold butter and measure the dry ingredients. It’s a ritual. Between my fingers, I delve deep into the bowl molding vegan butter, sugar, flour, and baking powder into a sandy mixture. A sandy mixture that feels like the sand on the beach, a little wet, pliable. The sand I still love to squish in my hands, in a drifting mindless void of experiencing the texture. A sensory delight.

In the rhythm, I cube the butter. Careful, long cuts with a sharp knife divide, and divide again until with swift chops little butter cubes line up on the counter. Flour cup after flour cup, building a powdery mountain in the bowl. A sprinkle of sugar, leavening, and salt. Blend, blend, blend, and watch Youtube. Let your mind drift away to far places. Watch the squirrels hop around the yard. Add water and raisins, and make a wet, sticky dough. With a spoon drop the scones one by one on the parchment. A warm oven, here they go.

My scones are a bit like biscuits, a little like shortcakes. A dash of raisins, the quick lift of soda bread. They are an amalgamation of what I remember relatives baking for me as a kid, and a new thing influenced by new boundaries. New limitations by a dairy-free restriction put into the practice of a nostalgic moment. I cannot bake the way I used to, but I can still make things with new ingredients. I can carry on the old ways of the past but in a way that makes sense to me.

Coming from a Northern Irish background, my grandma’s side called them “scon” and she made them with raisins. She drank tea and ate them with a little butter. Traveling south, I had biscuits – buttery and lightly sweet biscuits which felt like these scones of my memory. Strawberries and shortcakes, with a dash of whipped cream, a dish reminiscent of evenings at my mother-in-law’s house. A quick baked treat after a long day of hard work, that we would eat while my father-in-law showed us old episodes of Star Trek. Irish Soda Bread is an item I discovered later on in life to celebrate my heritage. A treat my mom would make on St. Patrick’s Day. Its dense yet fluffy texture creeps its way into my scones. These are a bundle of memories in one bite.

A bite I have quite often now. A bite that is my current breakfast staple with a handful of berries and almond milk whipped cream. I eat this with a cup of Yerba Mate.

I used to avoid breakfast, I simply wasn’t hungry. Then I picked up some bad habits like granola bars, pop tarts, or sugary cereals to start my day. This is the first breakfast routine, I appreciate. Maybe it’s the responsibility of making those scones by hand and keeping the freezer stocked for the week that has given me agency. Or an open eye to how food is nourishment, not fuel, not the enemy, nor is it a coping mechanism that reminded me to enjoy this simple thing.

It’s Monday, and I only have one scone left. I’m honestly looking forward to getting my hands covered in dough, in my little weekly routine. To create that taste of home in one bite. For the love of baking. The joy of homemade, handmade things that are a privilege to make.

I hope you have a wonderful start to your week!

#26 – My Tagline

If humans had taglines, what would yours be?

Some say she doesn’t use patterns. And that she’s never heard of a measuring spoon. But we all know is she’s called a maniac.

I’ve always aspired to the words of Miss Frizzle, that in life it’s time to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy. That is my creative approach whether with thread, paint, or in the kitchen. It is my ethos. I am not organized, but I have flair! I enjoy a good adventure in learning, even if that takes me to a destination unexpected. It was the journey that mattered most. That is why my creative personality has gravitated toward hands-on jobs – campus mail carrier, paint crew, library assistant, switchboard operator, or Appalachian culture site manager. The list goes on and on. There was more freedom to be me, and less pressure to conform.

I do not translate to an office job. Although I tried my hardest to be what they wanted me to be. I stuck it out for 3.5 years in a corporate marketing department, my creative style was highly reigned in. I made my deadlines and was as focused as possible, but it just wasn’t a good fit. Not like cooking, baking, sewing, knitting, writing, painting – making things is such a joy. I think because the process is messy. It is a flurry of creation. And that suites me.

I’ve learned that choosing not to follow the exact directions and recipes for creativity’s sake, can seem odd to a type-A, organized person. This has been particularly evident in marriage as Kyle and I can be complete opposites sometimes. But it works because teamwork has ebbs and flows. In time, our differences have become endearing to one another. I think that one of the coolest think the most extraordinary thing about relationships is that you grow to appreciate each other, including your differences.

In my maniac fashion, I’ve discovered new recipes I’d not tried without experimenting. I’ve also learned how march to the beat of my own drum, even if that is weird for people. I’ve also accepted the fact, that even when I am trying so hard to be precise, my creative nature and clumsiness will inevitably take over and that’s okay. I can make messes without feeling like a failure. I don’t have to compare myself to the Pinterest-worthy images that wallpapers the internet into an aesthetic monotony. Sometimes a little spice of imperfection is good for the creative soul. And thanks to Stray Kids’ Oddinary comeback, I have an anthem!

A little disclaimer: this post is written in good fun. As an Top Gear fan, the word maniac is beloved (and a term of endearment between Kyle and me). It’s not being used offensively. Please don’t take this out of context. Thanks ♥️

Living Without Him

What fears have you overcome and how?

One of my biggest fears was realized when death came knocking and was forced to live apart from my grandpa. He was such a big part of my life growing up, filling both the role of grandfather and dad when I was young.

In 1st grade, fresh from retirement from his role as an athletic director, he suited up he said for his most important job yet – picking me up from school. Every day he lined up his truck in the parking lot with coffee and newspaper in hand, chuckling to himself that he was the only “old guy” there in a sea of minivans and stay-at-home moms.

I got used to his presence, whether it was the car rides home from school with a serenade of his music, usually The Brothers Four, or another singing group he liked in college. Sometimes it was Willie Nelson, Vince Gill, could be Alabama. If there was a quartet performance coming up, he would practice his part as the high tenor of The King’s Men gospel quartet. After school, he might teach me how to hit a baseball properly or we would wash the car. When I got a pet rabbit in 3rd grade, Papa was by my side caring for the rabbit like it was his own. He built me a swingset and went to every chorus content, home volleyball game, art show, open house, jog-a-thon, etc.

As I grew older, and my mom bought her own house, our relationship had to change because instead of seeing him at the breakfast table and after school, I had to be intentional. I talked to him and Grandma after school on the phone. I’d visit them on the weekends and on breaks from school, I always knew I was welcome to be there. On Saturday mornings, we made a standing date to get breakfast at a local diner. We had a special order, he would order eggs, bacon, and toast with an extra plate. I ordered the pancakes and we’d split the lot. He taught me how to ride a bike, so why wouldn’t I look to him to teach me how to drive? It just made sense. Moving into college we had pizza lunch dates, where we’d discuss my classes and his current readings. In the fall, he was my football game buddy.

It was his opinion I cared the most about, from what career choice I made to the boy I started dating, and was getting pretty fond of junior year. When that boy asked me to marry him, Kyle became part of our little circle. I knew time existed, and the limitations of age and health would get us eventually, but when death came to take Papa away, I realized how scary it was to think of carrying on without him. It felt impossible. Unnatural.

Today is the third anniversary and I’m relieved that I feel okay, as weird as it is to be okay. I didn’t think I could find this place of being okay. Overcoming my fear took practice. When death happens you don’t really get a chance to prepare. The moment it happens there is no going back and it’s weird.

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
 God, the Lord, is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the deer’s;
    he makes me tread on my high places.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 ESV

What helped me get through this fear the most was the support to keep walking forward, my support came from the Lord and my wonderful friends (and best friend, Kyle). I had to believe that God’s promises were good. Like the words of Tauren Wells’ song “God’s Not Done” I had to trust that there was more for me coming than the dead end, I felt stuck in. Fear is a liar, as Zach Williams writes, and pushing the fear back into its place was what ultimately helped me. But this journey has been three years of hard work and there are still moments where I feel like I’ve made zero progress. That’s when I remember Habakkuk 3:17-19 and Lamentations 3:22-24. It’s a tough road, but I am learning to feel the emotions instead of being afraid of them.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

#25 – Glasses, S-Class & Book of Tea

The sweetest package arrived early Thursday morning! I saw pure bliss for my tired and angry eyes – new glasses with fresh blue light blockers. My eyes were fried. Had been frying for weeks without me noticing. It happened slowly, building, draining, and then bam my eyes let me know, yes indeed, it was time to get new lenses. If not I think they would have gone on strike. Those headaches are such a nuisance. The aching of tired muscles around my eyes, and how heavy my blue frames, were the perfect combo for a week of migraine woes. But alas, it’s in the past and I am thrilled. For a few reasons! The new spectacles are super light. They are a fun style I wanted to try out after seeing Changbin wear this look for a stage performance, and I got the cutest dust cloth of a bun wearing glasses and a tie.

With the eye fry though, getting worse with time on my computer or phone, I took last week to give my eyes a break from screens until the new frames came. And it turned into a tremendous creative recharge time. I knocked out my open sewing projects, finishing my backlog of stretch-knit fabric items floating on their own island of procrastination. This was a problem because I had real projects for friends to work on and their procrastination island was taking up valuable real estate on my worktable. So it was time, and without the prompt of my lens wearing it may have been another month before I finished the stretch knit pieces. It was a good thing. I also used the time to sketch out potential maps for a novel idea I have. Well, two novel ideas, actually. I developed two plots and worlds, flushed out in my notebook with the settings, names, and timelines of the plot I want to write. Once I decide on which project I should move forward on, I’m excited to share it with you.

I’ve noticed taking a break, even just for several days in a row of not writing, my brain feels rusty and I feel clunky with my words. This skill of writing is so much more like a discipline of exercise than an art form sometimes.

To recharge my mind, and get those creative writing juices flowing hopefully better than before, I realized I should get back into reading to be immersed in fiction in order to learn from others what it takes to write a good original story. Someone I admire, without finishing the book yet, is the work of Judy I. Lin. I started her novel, A Magic Steeped in Poison back in September 2022. With my Autumn/Winter Collection sewing schedule I put it aside to keep my deadlines – it seriously pulled me in and plan to write a bigger appreciation post for her work. I jumped back into the story this weekend and dang – being fully immersed in a fantastical story with such layered culture and characters – it is just pure joy. I forgot how wonderful reading can be. With the final act of the book before me, I hunger for more of the story. I can’t wait to jump back in this week and carry onward into the sequel of the Book of Tea Series – A Venom Dark and Sweet.

The cherry on top of this weekend though was the S-Class M/V from Stray Kids along with 9 new songs! I absolutely adore the 5-Star comeback, from the style choices to the music. It really showed their range. The bonus content of the band reacting to the S-Class music video and unboxing their album together was the wholesome coziness I needed before today. Seriously, if I.N. is smiling, how can anyone frown? I needed that going into today, especially. It’s a day I remember a lot of pain and loss, but although how small it may be, the joy of a favorite band releasing a new album with their unique charm has been a wonderful distraction from the gloom that usually takes hold on this day.

As we begin this new week, I wish you love and hope that it is a good one for you.

Am I Just A Moldy Sandwich?

For lunch, I made a PB&J sandwich. I was in a rush and wanted some quick energy. The sourdough bread, which had been with us for a few days needed to be used, enjoyed. I had been sewing up until my husband took his lunch break at 12:30pm, I didn’t want to cook anything, I just wanted to eat and clear out the fridge, so to speak, of leftovers and such. No big deal.

So I reached for the bread, still pillowy and bouncy with all those lovely fermentation bubbles that make sourdough bread rise. I toasted in and made my sandwich. Which tasted delicious, and normal. And yet, my innocence was about to go bust. Kyle, who was eating leftover pasta, went to the kitchen to find a piece of bread to soak up the sauce in his bowl. The sourdough he reached for and found something that truly ruined my meal – the bottom of the bag was riddled with mold. Something that I am allergic to, not to mention is just so gross.

This is not the first time this happened to me actually, I remember packing a moldy bread sandwich in my lunch in school because I made it when I was half-asleep before school. It’s a rude awakening to realize the thing that once tasted so good to your appetite is not what you thought it was. I thought I was getting energy and some probiotics, instead, I got a little something extra I didn’t want. Something that could make me sick and break out in hives. Appearances can be deceiving, that is why I am reflecting for so long on this mold.

We live in an odd time, with the rise of social media there is a significant rise in transparency in the world. We know more about people we follow than sometimes we would know if we had a normal relationship outside of these social platforms, especially the strangers we look up to like musicians, celebrities, designers, etc. There is also a new kind of anonymity, a facade that curates a public persona for how we want the world to see us. We can post the best moments, the curated things which compound to create a personhood that is foreign to reality, if we so desire. So how do we be authentic? I’m not sure, it’s become such a complicated thing in the digital age.

Before I took a deeper look at the loaf of bread, it seemed so normal and fresh. Without seeing the mold that had spread throughout the loaf in the bag, I would have thought my two pieces of bread were good. But they were still exposed to the environment, the mold would eventually spread to those as well if it already wasn’t there. That got me thinking, about humans. If we consume things, that are negative, full of vitriol, or void of substance and we take those into our hearts, will that eventually affect our goodness, our freshness? Now I know humans are not bread, I don’t mean goodness or freshness in the same way. I’m thinking more about our motives, the way by which we interact with each other. If we consume things that are tainted and no longer nutritious for our souls our inner being takes a hit.

This is true Biblically, where because of the sin that continually tries to creep back into our thoughts and habits, God’s word reminds us to be wary of what we take into our hearts for they can change our beliefs. I think this is true for the effectiveness of our actions in our interpersonal relationships. If we consume or surround ourselves with influences that reflect spite, negativity, and bitterness, I think this will flavor how our love and care for others will be exhibited. It will dilute the potency of our love. Like the mold, diminished the nutritious value of the bread for me.

I don’t want my love for others to be changed by bad influences, like media that encourages hatred, and jealousy, or in TikTok’s case the Kia Boys who like to encourage crime. It’s even as simple as considering the things I subscribe to that populate my feeds. Music too can truly rot the mind from the good things that I want to cultivate like self-control, gentleness, and selflessness. No one wants to be a moldy sandwich for those who depend on you. I encourage you to preserve the good in your heart so that you can make a difference in the spaces you are needed most. I guess what I mean is to keep your character and your values even if it’s not trending. Until we meet again ❤

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