Category: Blog

#39 -Bookcase

Last night my husband and I added an exciting new addition to our home, a rather large and fantastically sturdy bookcase, crafted with love by his own two hands.

It is 7 feet tall. As the pieces began to form the bookcase shape out in his shop, it was intimidating to think about how we were getting it in the house. Not because it was large beyond the doorway or Kyle hadn’t measured and planned the design to fit in our house, but instead who was going to help us carry this?

It looked heavy and ominous. Quite tall. I used to have more upper body strength from working manual labor jobs when I was younger but I lost it over time. I’ve learned that toning and building muscle seem to require more nuance than just practice and I was not doing the latter. Recently when we have carried things, my arms have been noodles, my strength as effective as trying to herd squirrels.

But I was pleasantly surprised, not because I magically became buff or someone else appeared to carry that thing up the stairs and into the house. Wall pilates came in clutch.

See there was an important building block I forgot about where true strength lies in your foundation, which is made ready through discipline. All those I got!

I mentioned in #34 – Shaping Up that I was getting serious about toning my waist for real this time. In doing so I have challenged myself to do at least one minute wall sit and one minute of planks per day. I’ve been doing this for over two months and have added wall pilates and deep-core training along the way. I’ve made my foundation strong by training my legs and my core, which blew me away last night because I think I lifted properly for the first time in my life.

It was all legs and core, my back and my arms didn’t hurt for a second. This is a first! And actually, I was able to shift the empty bookcase a bit on my own. This has shown me that like in everything in life preparation does make the difference. It’s important to keep up with my routine, even when I don’t feel like doing it because I’m busy. This training and discipline have positively affected my ability to do things before I even knew what was ahead of me! I was so relieved to be able to help him instead of having to ask my stepdad or brother-in-law.

I am quite pleased by both the results of deep core training and more importantly how lovely this bookcase looks in our house. He did a fantastic job!

Instagram Isn’t The Same

Lately, Instagram has been getting to me. It’s something that I’m not proud to admit because it sounds a bit pathetic, but hear me out. I’ve had an account since 2016 and mainly used it to share my travel memories and to experiment with photography as a creative outlet. It was fun and broke me out of my shell because it was an image, not a Facebook status update to perfect or a clever tweet to craft because I’m shy, and those social media sites honestly intimidated me.

And so Instagram was this fun creative outlet to express myself and in doing so share these creative moments with some IRL people and more often than not, new people that over time have become internet acquaintances. I found a community of people who got me when my in-person community was lacking. Later that year when I joined WordPress for the first time under the name Muirin Project I was less scared to share my writing because Instagram taught me there are people out there like me who love creating and connecting across the world. An introvert the world is your oyster type of thing, and I was pleased.

As my account has transitioned through the years through different creative projects, like world-building for Udal Cuain, watercolors, knitting and now sewing it’s ebbed and flowed and never felt like an empty void like it does now. With a focus change, I’d gain and lose followers and I never noticed a big jump or big loss until last year. When Instagram pivoted to add reels for a Tik-Tok style feed and sharing, things got a bit weird. I was in a place of discovery, figuring out what the next step should be with my newfound skills, and playing around with reels. Reels and experimentation with the creator account features opened up a new world.

Growth is Weird

Understanding SEO and the need for traffic to build a bigger audience, the platform’s push to share reels higher into the algorithm was a no-brainer as I was testing the waters of turning my sewing into a business. Reels were made and shared and some did poorly and others gained 1000s of views. For an account of 230-ish followers, this felt big, at times too big, and a little scary. The other scary thing was how there was little to no control over what would be pushed out to the algorithm and I was quickly discouraged by the performance of reels that featured projects I put a lot of work into. Reels however did grow my account and I continued to play around with them until this fall when my desire to spend the time on these little videos died.

What I noticed from 2022 to 2023 is that it doesn’t matter whether I share a photo or a reel, they don’t get shared with anyone, most importantly my friends and family. They just do nothing and it frustrates me because I’m not making them for me, I am making them for what they used to do to expand my reach to new people and share my designs with new audiences. As a creative expression, well I’m not a filmmaker and it shows.

What I did start to notice was a new trend, the creator account features became impossible to ignore. A nice little dashboard was added this year to show you, how in my case at least, my account was failing to reach people. This left me with a conundrum, first how the heck do I disable this feature and second, how much do I care about having an account with a category? I did notice that having my account as an “Artist” account limited the random inappropriate spam comments and follows but was the constant reminder of the dashboard worth it?

That dashboard affected me far more than I wish it did. As a recovering perfectionist and overachiever, this was sending me into a Paris Gellar and Amy Santiago type of spiral! This is a career change and life re-route and it has felt like nothing but failure for most of it because I feel like no matter what I’m behind. Instagram’s creator tools and reels were not inspiring me or helping me to “build my business” like they claim, it was making me feel small because of how the entire app is like a big mirror shining back things through a lens of comparison. I didn’t like nor did I want to accept the bitterness welling up inside at others’ success and achievements. It goes against what I believe to tear others down like that to build myself up. I could tell it was making not feel like myself or spark the joy of connection that it used to.

What Am I Doing This for?

In the spiral, before I figured out how to disable the dashboard and return to my public account, I began to question more than just my success according to the app but the point of why I was doing any of this? What was the point of sewing, creating, writing, etc if nothing would show for it? Should I go back to a dead-end job and find my worth within work and money so I could live the American dream of the house and the stuff? I felt like a loser and I didn’t like how much it shook me.

Because that is not where I find my worth and if you have been around the blog before or know me in real life you know that is not what I believe in.

My mom actually pulled me back into focus with incredible advice, to only create things that bring me joy. Not to create things for growth or success or gaining other’s approval, but to make things that make me happy and the joy and passion behind them will be evident to others. She challenged me to re-center back to why I am doing this in the first place because I feel like I am dying inside if I am not making, drawing, writing, and creating. I’ve been this way my whole life and to be honest the only potential wasted time was the time I walked away from all of it to be someone else and pursue a career for the sake of it in my old dead-end job. But even that wasn’t wasted because God used that time to teach me more about myself and the world around me.

Shifting Sand

This brings me to my current frustration with Instagram, the ever-changing follower count that seems more akin to sand in an hourglass than ever before. I’ve been creating for fun, in joyful and passionate waves of knitting, sewing, drawing, and writing. I’ve been doing it for the sake of doing it, not growing towards anything or having a business. I’ve been making out of love.

Because I’ve been making things out of a deep place of passion and love for the process and artistry of it, it is killing me inside each time I share something on Instagram that I am truly proud of and know that it will be followed by a trickle of unfollows after I share. Of course, there will be new people but those unfollows make you feel like crap because I feel like I shared something deeply connected to me and when I would share, in years past the unfollow trickle wasn’t instantaneous to sharing a new post. It’s like Instagram’s new format is to discourage you from using it with this new algorithm and the bombardment of ads and threads, which I can’t seem to turn off either?

Logically, I know it isn’t that deep and my art is not for everyone. I’ve been reminding myself of that a lot lately, that I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I think in those my sensitive artist side just feels so spurned by the world, so it will be a process to learn how to ignore it. I wish the platform wasn’t going in this direction though because those connection moments of the past were so sweet and I miss that. Not everyone was an influencer, a creator, a business, or a professional photographer there was a relaxed and fun nature to it that is missing.

The Chase or The Rock

I’m lacking gratitude, and that is the key that I am missing to feeling free from the dark cloud that hangs over us in this social media age. My account has actually grown a lot this year, far more than I expected reaching past the 400 I was hoping to reach. Recently it swung up to 470+ and I began pushing for 500 by 2024, the feeling of chasing over took me instead of pleasure at surpassing my original goal. Funny how the echo chamber of social media makes us feel less than worthy no matter what we do, and that is why I need to be more vigilant at staying focused on what matters.

As I’ve been praying about this, a random and funny reminder has popped into my mind. I think God has a sense of humor so it makes sense. There is this interview on Top Gear UK between Jeremy Clarkson and James Blunt, during one of the old news segments, where they are discussing Blunt’s tweets. James Blunt was unafraid to respond to trolls with tongue-in-cheek quips, including one about the smaller size of his Twitter account compared to other celebrities and Blunt responded, “Jesus only needed 12.” That has stuck with me because why do I feel this need to chase more and more exposure to my account and my designs, comparison. If I am supposed to become something and do something bigger than what I am doing, cannot God accomplish that with 460? He can do the impossible with even less. This is where He has me and this is what I feel called to be doing, I need to quit looking to the right and the left and keep moving forward. And honestly, kick the rest of that noise out of my mind for good.

I hope this post isn’t too long-winded or weird. This has been in my heart for a while, and I’m still wrestling with it. I’m beginning to realize that it is going to be a constant battle to stay rooted in the right perspective. Just remember that you are amazing just the way you are and have something to offer no matter how big or small your reach is. None of this social media hustle determines how talented you are, it’s as fickle as confused seas. So keep fighting!

My Fall 2023 Soundtrack

Munching on Barnyard Feed – Nubian and Nigerian Dwarf Goats

White Horse – Chris Stapleton

Red Lights – Stray Kids

Petite Engine Sounds – Kei Cars at Keystone Safari

Acoustic Guitar Strumming in the Evening – Kyle

Country Squire – Tyler Childers

Delicate Woosh of Watering my Bamboo Plant – Kitchen Faucet

The Crumbling Noise of a Chocolate Bar – Homemade Hot Cocoa

Fact Check – NCT 127

Taste – Stray Kids

Fast-Paced Machinery – My Sewing Machine

Downshifting of a Mazda Engine – Twisty Back Roads

YEPPI YEPPI – Aespa

Where You Lead I Will Follow – Gilmore Girls

Killshot – Itzy

Power Sprayer Around the
House – Home Defense Bug Spray

Hiss and Fizz of Sparkling Water – Homemade Italian Soda

Wave – Ateez

Bagels Popping Up – The Toaster

Needles Clicking – My Knitting

Queencard – (G)I-DLE

Squeaking Calls – Emus

Winnifred Yelling “Booooook!” – My Wall Sit Timer

The Sound of My Yoga Mat Unrolling – My Nightly Plank and Ab Workout

Cake – Itzy

Welcome to my Chanel – Salem Tovar

Halazia – Ateez

Electric Leafblowers – My Neighborhood

Three Chevrolet Lock Sounds – My Neighbor

Social Path – Stray Kids feat. LiSA

Scratching and Blending – Chalk Pastels

The Proof of Your Love

Yesterday I was knitting and catching up on Youtube videos when my playlist took an interesting turn. I watched two videos back to back from different creators that touched on the same message, an important message that actually prompted me to think deeply about a TikTok video and its eventual dragging by the internet. Now, I am not a fan of TikTok or TikTok culture. I think that it is changing how we interact in some harmful ways, like encouraging main character syndrome and resurrecting toxic beauty standards, but I am learning to have an open mind because of something key I learned recently that broke my heart.

A lot of people my age and younger don’t feel like they have friends and people they can count on. There is a growing loneliness and a lack of community, even though we are theoretically more connected than ever. I know that I have felt seasons of loneliness crash over me since I became an adult, and there were years when I didn’t feel like I had any friends my own age. But I was never truly alone because I had a community around me and family, I realize now that I’m older and more mature that I was incredibly blessed to have them and that having family and community and friends is not a guarantee.

Even writing that feels unnatural to me, how is being alone the default now when there are 8 billion people on this planet? We are seriously doing something wrong if this is the reality some people are facing and I want to do something about it, but I’m learning that some people think this is a joke and that kills me.

Now, people my age and younger share a lot of their lives on social media, something that is received with mixed reviews from our parents and other people older than us. It is seen as odd, opening ourselves up to trouble, or self-centered which yes, there is a main character syndrome, but honestly is that what Karens do too? So it’s a human problem to do that, exacerbated by social media, but what I learned recently is that people are sharing so much because our friendships are declining or non-existent and the only human connection some of us are receiving at the moment is sharing with our social media friends, who most of the time are people that are more like acquaintances or could be total strangers to us. Our real-life friendships are dissipating into relationships of sending reels back and forth instead of having a conversation, why are we doing this? Because we all live too far away from each other, are too broke to visit each other and for the majority of people, work a 9-5 that is consuming our time and ability to keep up with relationships.

This is where TikTok comes in again, there is a video by a creator named brielleybelly123 that is making the rounds on the internet for her honest emotional breakdown because she is feeling overwhelmed by how lonely her life has become due to her 9-5. She is a recent college grad who is working a 9-5 job that requires hours of commuting. She is far from family, and friends, and the ability to get to know new people. She is community-less and the reality that this is her everyday worries her. This is an incredibly valid feeling to have, I mean who hasn’t been overwhelmed by changes in life? We all have those moments, I did going into high school, college, every new job, and after every move to a new city I’ve made. Actually, my current town is the first place in seven years since moving out of my mom’s house and I have a friend in my town. Like a legit girl friend that I can lean on in good and bad. In those seven years, I’ve also strengthened the long-distance friendships I have with friends from college and childhood, but if I hadn’t been able to keep those relationships going, I’m not certain if I would have any friends. Which is quite bleak to think about.

We are relational beings created to be in community, to be loved, and to love. This morning when I was listening to music, this truth hit me deeply as “The Proof of Your Love” by For King and Country filled my ears.

[Verse 1: Luke]
If I sing but don’t have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don’t have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Verse 2: Luke]
If I give to a needy soul
But don’t have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Bridge]
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it’s all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

[Monologue: Joel]
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day
And if I have faith to say to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing
If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere
So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I’m bankrupt without love

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

The song is based on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 which says “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

What is the point of the 9-5 grind and gaining the world if you lose your humanity in the process? And I would argue that having love is an essential part of our humanity and what makes us keep going. And so I was disturbed by something else I saw before bed last night, that brielleybelly123’s honest cry was being mocked by conservative-leaning people who claim to be believers. I’m sorry but that doesn’t align with scripture. What does align with who God calls us to be is to love your neighbor as yourself, and to serve the widows, the orphans, and the lonely. When Jesus came to live among us, he sought out the outsiders of society, the lonely ones. American exceptionalism belief of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is in direct contradiction to what really matters, God’s plan for how we interact with each other. It is disgusting to me to be honest that people are making whole videos making fun of her, but in the same breath will claim Christ. What is the proof of your love commentators, hm?

Now I’m not saying this is easy, or that we don’t all make mistakes. I literally fall short all the time, but the important thing is that we stay on the road and keep trying so that the proof of our love speaks to something bigger than us.

A Modern Jack Sparrow Coat

I alluded to my love of pirate-inspired looks in Piratecore, Lorelai Gilmore & Sportswear Influences but to be honest, I’ve been chasing after the pirate fashion feels since watching The Pirates of the Caribbean as a kid. The movies came out at a formative time for me, I was a tween and then a teen as the first three movies premiered ( I don’t count the fourth or fifth movies as part of the franchise for many reasons, quality being one, anyway) which is a time when you begin to discover inspirations and your individual style. I remember having a Pirates of the Caribbean locket charm bracelet from Claire’s that I wore often with boots for that pirate mood. It had a skull and crossbones and a cringe picture of Will Turner, my middle school fave inside. That was the beginning of this pirate journey.

In high school, I dabbled with the skulls and skeletons, including a Flogging Molly pirate graphic tee, but I had yet to find anything that truly captured the costuming of the movie. In college, I got a bit closer with a pair of over-the-knee Vince Camuto boots that had pirate cuffs and studs down the back. Now that I know how to sew, it’s time to get serious about this, right?

As an adult, I admire the costuming of Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann more than Will Turner. Particularly the costumes from the third movie, At World’s End. This poster I’ve had this since middle school and it still inspires me today, I actually used it for the basis of my coat and plan to recreate a coat dress like Elizabeth Swann wears along with an accurate Jack Sparrow cosplay at some point in the future.

At this point in time, I knew that would require in-depth research of both the historical garment and the costumes created for the movie. I would also be taking on a greater cost by sourcing specific materials like linen or duck canvas for this project along with historical patterns and additional fastenings, stiffeners, and not a lot of expertise to fall back on if something went wrong. So I decided to do a modern interpretation. Something that would have a pirate essence but would not look costume-like.

I settled on this chocolate-brown corduroy that acquired from Joann’s clearance over a year ago. With four yards to work with, I knew I could make a long and oversized coat that would be lighter in weight but could accommodate a bulky sweater or hoodie underneath. I knew I also wanted a simple fastening and toyed with the idea of a belt, which I made, and a zipper, which I prefer as the primary closure.

To figure out what silhouette I wanted, I referenced the outerwear of several Ateez music videos, including Don’t Stop which puts a modern spin on the pirate aesthetic. Kim Hongjoong was my modern inspiration for the cut of this coat, down to the epaulette details on the shoulder. I wanted the coat to be boxy and cape-like, like a modern-day pirate captain. A future goal is to acquire an Ateez compass patch to sew on the arm and complete the Hongjoong reference.

So, What Do You Do?

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

I believe that everyone should know that your worth is not defined by the career you currently do or do not have.

I wrote an essay on this subject during my post-grad meandering and I believe in this sentiment even more in the eight years since.

Growing up I didn’t realize how blessed the people in my life were because they had steady jobs at the same company. My mom worked for a civil engineering firm and then switched jobs to work at her alma mater when I was five so that she would be commuting less. My Papa had steady employment as a chemistry teacher, a defensive coordinator, a dean of students, and an athletic director. My Grandma had a well-established piano lesson business and worked a 40 to 50 hour schedule of teaching from home. Their careers were not their entire personalities but I associated them as a child with these occupations, I dreamed of being as successful as them, never thinking that a recession or slow job market was possible, I was a kid. It made sense to me that if you worked hard, developed skills, or got a degree that work would find you.

It was quite troubling to me when I put the work in and found myself failing to launch my career at 22. Two years of applying, interviewing, and finding nothing to show for it in my decaying Rust Belt region was a bit hit to my confidence, my ego, and my identity. I would dread social gatherings and new acquaintanceships because of that one lingering question. That dark cumulus nimbus hanging over all interactions – so, what do you do?

A lot of things! I wanted to reply, but any answer other than what my job title was would receive looks of disapproval like I was being immature. As a kid, adults seemed to celebrate things that you are interested in but as an adult myself, they looked at me like I wasn’t trying hard enough. That I was lazy, that I was failing. Falling behind. Nothing going for me. The conversation would either stop there or there would be more questions to get at the root of why I wasn’t where they were at 22 with a job, a house, a spouse, a kid, etc. Once I got married a little pressure came off, but then I was just a wife and unless I hinted at a due date or a new job, the same puzzled looks appeared.

Now this opened my eyes to how poorly we communicate and how shallow our relationships have become in North American society. It’s not dissimilar to how the question of “How’s it going?” or “How are you?” should only be answered with one reply – “Doing well.” or “I’m fine.” Because no one really wants to know, it’s just a greeting. A passing ship. If you answer the question with depth, that’s weird or too personal.

But we don’t have to stay in this place. I believe with each interaction we can change this on a personal level, and it starts by knowing that you are more than what you do. You are not defined by your career or your bank account, that is not where we gain our worth because we are humans and not stock portfolios!

Cleaning as a Way to Destress

What do you do when you feel out of control? I used to just blast music in my headphones until I could push the emotions down. For the sake of my poor eardrums, I’ve been trying something new.

I am a Tornado

If you knew me in real life, you would know that I am not a great housekeeper. I am more of a tornado of creative chaos, whether it be in the kitchen or in my workspace, there will be messes and clutter. As a creative person, sometimes I honestly don’t notice the chaos or clutter around me, I just see what I’m working on and if I have completed my project according to my vision.

It’s not a good way necessarily to go through life, but it is my authentic self. As a kid, this led to a lot of nagging me to pick up and friction with my mom and grandparents because I was not organized or faithful in straightening up my room. The same with vacuuming, dusting, or remembering to do the dishes before my mom got home from work. Now as an adult, it’s an internal battle I wage with myself between the chaos tornado and the desire to keep things tidy.

Over the years of working from home, I’ve learned that a chaotic space is not a productive space, as they said many times before, and yet I’m still a bit slow to do something about it. It wasn’t until watching Business Proposal that I began to connect the dots.

Kang Tae Mu

While watching Business Proposal earlier this year, a now beloved classic in my house, I related to a lot of the main characters. The one I did not expect to feel a kinship with was Kang Tae Mu. He is a young president of a company, he is rich, polished, and in control. The opposite of me. It wasn’t until the mask of perfection cracked and I saw the vulnerable moments of his character, the heartbreak and stress of his childhood, and his perfectionism as a coping tool that I realized we are not so different.

There is this moment, that truly endeared me to his character and opened my eyes to my own poor coping skills. Tae Mu and his friend Mr. Cha go to Mr. Cha’s apartment after work (Mr. Cha is his assistant) and Tae Mu cleans everything. Mr. Cha just steps back and out of his way, while Tae Mu works out all the emotions rattling around his mind in chaotic fractures by cleaning, and later cooking. His character decompresses by putting things back into order when he feels out of order and out of control. I never thought of cleaning that way before.

Gellers and Gilmores

I had seen it portrayed less healthily in the show Friends through Monica’s character. Monica’s character does this in a more unhinged and controlling way. But Tae Mu’s cleaning is so much more relatable. I mean it makes so much sense that tidying things can be a productive way to release the frantic energy of big emotions. In the show Gilmore Girls, emotional outbursts are normal. The characters rant, they yell, they express their emotions with big displays and that is usually how my feelings come out. In big messy paintbrush strokes over my relationships and my little house. I don’t like that anymore. I want to be kinder, gentler, a positive person to those around me.

I know I’ll still have those moments, but I’d like to minimize them and cope in better ways. Like not pushing the emotion into a box and tossing it to the back of my mind or feeling stressed and tense. So I’ve been trying to clean, when I really feel like I’m stuck.

Cleaning to the Beat of Wonderland & Item

I was feeling down in the dumps today, it was just an amalgam of bad communication with my husband, a cold, some other not feeling good things and discouragement. A lot of little things kept going wrong and my highly sensitive personality was feeling overstimulated. I was messing with my ability to focus on my current mitten project, my NaMo WriMo start, and planning blog posts.

I realized the only thing I could authentically change to set my day on a better path was to do some cleaning that had fallen by the wayside while I had been sick. With my earbuds in place and a playlist of Stray Kids’ 5-Star and Ateez hits I set to work on a kitchen deep clean. It is incredible how the first five songs of 5-Star changed my mood. The pacing of the music woke the dopamine centers of my brain back up and I was jamming through my stovetop scrubbing. By the time I switched to Ateez, I felt this weight lifted off. The stovetop was shining, the kitchen floor was lemony-fresh, the dishes were sorted into the drying rack, and the laundry was done with its spin cycle.

My environment was different even if my problems and little irritations from the day still existed, I was less stressed because I was able to do something to release my tension. Something active and productive. I felt like I was running my day, not my day running me over.

#38- Kanji, Milkshakes, and Tokyo Highway

It’s been a while since I did a proper catch-up blog post, months actually. I should probably stick to a content calendar, anyhoo, hello! How have you been? I’ve been busy, but it has been a good busy. I made a big push to get most of my winter and fall wardrobe sewing for Kyle and myself completed in September and October. I have made headway in my knitting projects, having the basic items I needed either ready to wear or near ready to wear. I’ve been sketching and planning out artistic endeavors for the rest of the year, and where I would like to go next year. I see myself painting on canvas on the horizon.

This flurry of activity has been a good thing for my social life. I’ve been spending time with my mom, like I used to, which is insanely good for both of us. When our relationship is out of whack, our mental health plummets. I don’t feel a dark cloud over me which I am incredibly grateful for. It’s an answer to prayer.

Because we’ve been hanging out in person, she’s been taking me to places back near my hometown that I’ve missed. Including The Milkshake Factory which sells dairy-free milkshakes! This is not the usual thing where I live. Since I discovered I could not consume dairy or beef anymore, going out with family and friends has been tricky. I don’t have the same capacity anymore to eat wherever and explore new restaurants. I didn’t realize how much of a toll this would take on my mom and I’s relationship until I couldn’t go out and eat anywhere or drink anything. Constantly needing to know the ingredients and the possibility of cross-contamination takes the fun right out of trying new dishes. For a few years, our relationship was pretty mundane and we were at a loss of how to spend time with each other because the way we bonded had to change. Going to The Milkshake Factory brought a piece of that puzzle back to our relationship, and it was wicked tasty. Seriously, I began to question if it would make me sick it was so good.

But, my mom has learned to adjust and be willing to explore things that I can do. Like going with Kyle and I to Hobby Express because Kyle and I wanted to look at car models and board games. I was really proud of her for going with us and actually getting into the store. She loves puzzles and trains and has a joyful appreciation for clever hobbies. After a while, she was exploring the store on her own and getting into it. It was a great trip with some new board games and models to show for it. I found two new board games on sale – Ticket to Ride Poland and Tokyo Highway which is a game I’d never heard of before but have absolutely grown to love it.

It’s a straightforward game, you build highways with sticks and columns, and for every road that crosses your opponents’, you get to place a car. Each turn you either go up a level or down. With a 3-4 player you add buildings as obstacles to the board and the game is different each time you play like Carcassonne and Settlers of Catan. The part that truly endeared me though is the tweezers that come with the game, they are ESSENTIAL as the game progresses. If you knock over your opponent’s road, you must fix it and surrender the amount of materials you knocked over from your stock to your opponent as a penalty. I highly recommend it if you like tabletop games. The best part is that it was created by a Japanese company and a Japanese game designer. My history nerd heart skipped a beat when there was a history of the Tokyo Highway system included with the game instructions. Now only if you received a Kei car if you win, that would be the dream.

Speaking of Japanese, I’ve been slacking on my lessons and seriously need to get them in gear if I want to finish my first lesson book by the end of 2023. To get back in the swing of things, I’ve made Katakana and Hiragana flashcards to make myself practice. I also started learning Kanji yesterday and wow, I love it. The pictorial nature has me sold on how amazing it is. I’d so much rather write longer sentences with Hiragana, Katakana, and Kanji than this Roman character alphabet. Japanese just flows compared to my culture’s writing system. I get hand cramps while taking notes in my lesson book because of how much more effort writing in English takes compared to the sections where I practice writing in Japanese. Have you had this experience of learning a new language? I didn’t expect to prefer Japanese to English, but I do.

I hope wherever you are that you are having a wonderful day and that you will remember that you are special, and deserving of love, and I appreciate you. Until next time ❤

#37 – A Notched Lapel

Last night, I decided to be productive. I gathered my scissors and descended on my fabric stash. To the cuts of fabric, I’d left for the first hint of 30 degrees, to make a tweed coat and plaid trousers. Oh how excited I was to have a tweed fabric that was free from wool, and on clearance no less. What a thrill!

For months, I browsed Pinterest through the forest of street-style pins to the flowing river of coat inspiration. I studied the silhouette, the collar, and the button placement. Oh yes, I was going to do this right. I referenced pattern against pattern, for the right feel. The right lapel.

For moral support, I played a fellow chaos sewist in the background, Stephanie Canada, and laid my fabric on the floor. I determined my cut lines and set them to work, as Stephanie set to work on her #grimgrinninggarb I set my scissors to work carving out the back coat panel.

With a smile, I draped it against my frame to see that the arm holes were placed correctly. The opening for the neck, cut as a slim yoke, compared to the wandering necklines of my past attempts.

Next the sleeves were ready to take shape, a careful gusset planned for the armpit. “What mobility I will have,” I thought, “sweaters, hoodies, flannels – none will be too bulky for this!”

But then the summit appeared in the distance. The jacket front and collar! It was time for the big hurrah, the moment I studied and planned for. I smoothed the yardage to the floor with care to ensure the edges were plumb. With a careful swoop, the arm holes were placed. I steadied myself for the neck opening and lapel.

I stood, I pondered, I cut. A neckline sloping down, reaching outward towards the heart. A lapel. Large enough to fold over and sit regal down the coat. With satisfaction brimming, I carried on to the collar. Easy peasy right? After such a feat! I referenced my pattern one more time and cut it. I placed. I saw what I have wanted to see for years now. A coat with collar, notch, and lapel to follow.

Alright! This is going to work. This is my dream coat. A piece of outerwear ready for Friday Night Dinner. It was sharp. It was, just one. But two? Where’s the second piece?

With horror, I realized my mistake. I laid the second piece to see that I once again forgot to mirror the pattern. It was perfectly cut, backward. The lovely lapel was inside out. I had two lefts and no right.

And I had no more yardage left, on a clearance find remnant. Game over.

No tweed coat. No coat project at all. It was over. Fin.

Sewing humbles me every time. I know one of these days all my practice and failures are going to produce something made with care and wisdom. But dang, I feel so dumb!

If you are feeling discouraged today, remember, that we’re all in this together. 🫶 Hopefully we can all find a way to laugh through our mistakes and keep looking toward what the future holds. We got this! 😁

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