I was struck by a moment recently where I felt transported back to middle school, watching Mean Girls. The plastics stand in front of a mirror and one by one they list something they hate about their body until they get to the new girl, Cady, who freezes. She quickly says she has really bad breath in the morning and the plastics, satisfied, move on to a new topic. I used to feel like that girl in the girl world because I honestly didn’t enjoy standing around finding flaws in myself as a form of bonding.
I’d rather talk about something more fruitful, lighthearted, or productive than pick at myself and others’ flaws. However I have noticed throughout the years that some girl friendship dynamics get pulled into a negative space, and sometimes they simply move into the negative neighborhood permanently.
It’s awkward because how do you communicate that you love your friend but the friendship environment they create can be downright toxic?
How do you steer the conversation back to something positive when that person just wants to complain and whine without starting a fight that puts the friend on the defense?
I’ve been pondering this because there are so many amazing things about this friend I wish she would focus on instead of what’s going wrong or what she is choosing not to make better in her life. We have a myriad of things we could be discussing because we are both wonder-filled by the world and its beauty, cultures, cuisine, music, etc. We could discuss books and the many writing projects we both want to accomplish. We could be planning a craft project we could coordinate for our next hang out, one of the many we send each other that one day we will try. Can that day be today?
It always starts like a pebble, one bad day in the recap of the week, and then it finds negative pebble friends. By the next conversation, the cup is overflowing and the light is being blocked from view by the stack of stones growing before me. I wish I could figure out how to capture that pebble, put it in my pocket, and skip it far away.
Instead, I find myself sifting through the back forty of my mind looking for a flaw to add to the pile of complaints my friend is listing off. I feel so fake and vapid manufacturing a problem in my head just to bond because not having a complaint would be a toxic girl conversation faux pax.
And wouldn’t you know my friend is stunning? She is photogenic, tall, and has the proportions to pull off every item of clothing I wish I could. Her heart is even more stunning than the outside. She is talented and accomplishing so much more in her professional life than I ever could. That’s why these toxic conversations drive me to the edge because she is amazing just the way she is.
One Rabbit Riot 