Insomnia

Have you ever experienced one of those nights when no matter what you do you can’t drift off into the delightful slumber of a good night’s sleep?

I’ll go through bouts of bad sleep in the summer when the humidity sets in and the night is just a bit too stuffy. Those first weeks of summer when the warmth comes to rest overnight, and the fan radiating air from the window can’t seem to beat back the soupy air. Recently though, it was a bigger boss battle. The wandering of my mind to landscapes of worry.

Night Awakens My Creativity

I’ve always been a night owl. In the past, if I’ve been in the middle of a project at a job or heavy weighted exam in school it hovers in my mind when I am trying to sleep. It’s like I can’t allow myself to stop, rest, and recharge. I want to keep going. Keep creating until it’s perfectly done.

Sometimes my best ideas for garment construction or writing a scene in a fiction story come in those wee hours, trying to drift my mind off to sleep. And I’m not abnormal, this is pretty common, even glamorized as the artist’s life.

I don’t love the timing of these creative streaks, but I have over time learned the discipline of telling myself, that’s enough – it’s time to turn my mind off. That’s what it feels like, turning my mind off, like flipping an invisible switch to motivate my inner creative machine to close shop for the night.

But worry. Worrying, fear, anxiety, etc are the emotions I still have yet to best when they interrupt my sleep. With my mom having surgery this week, I’ve been best friends with insomnia. My mind has been restless, even combative towards peace and relaxation. I’ve been a tightened spring coil, resisting the welcoming aura of my bed in a false sense of control that if I worry about her surgery that I can somehow keep bad things from happening. Like I have any control over this thing!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4 ESV

I remember in therapy for anxiety and panic attacks in college, the thing that was the most helpful but the most painful was my therapist telling me that I was not in control. Ouch. It made me feel so dumb and small, yet the conviction and freedom I felt were like a cool breeze on a hot sunny day. It’s the illusion of control that makes my mind tie up into knots. But the stark reminder, the tough love of being told, you can’t control these things that overwhelm you, well it takes the burden off of my shoulders.

His Way, Not Mine

I’ve been thinking about that a lot on these nights of tossing and turning in what-ifs.

These dominos of confusion that I mentioned in Spiraling in Silence are not there for naught. With the personal maturity and spiritual wisdom I have sought out in 2023, there has been a path of growth and progress. But with growing comes growing pains, and spiritual maturity comes testing. And although these back-to-back weeks have been annoying, they have been a reminder to keep growing.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 ESV

With June marking the halfway point of the year, it can feel like a good place to stop, to rest. I mean, especially in the United States the beginning of June is the kickoff of vacation season. You’re supposed to “leave it all behind” and have some big, never-ending pool party/beach vacation/barbeque, that is at least what the commercials are selling. But with my faith, there is no vacation season, no coasting if I am seeking growth. Because God uses all things, the annoying bouts of insomnia or the big things – medical procedures that scare us – for good.

When we are worried or scared, because life is ripe with troubles ready to knock us down, it is encouraging to remember that these are opportunities to rely on God and all that He does for us. It is the time to rest in His plan and provision, for example, the provision to bring people into our lives at the exact moment we need them, that shower us with the love and support we crave when life makes us lonely.

Gratitude and Kit-Kats

One of the best ways I have found to get my head out of worry when I can’t sleep is to distract myself by counting my blessings. Even when life is going bad, I’m amazed at how many good things are going right in my life, that I simply forget about until I stop to think about it. Simply being alive, with a roof over my head and a meal to eat are huge things to not take for granted.

I have yet to beat the boss battle of my worry, and it still bests me most of the time, but I am learning how to change my perspective in those moments, and that sure feels like a step in the right direction. Getting rest and recharging in some way during those bouts of worry and lost sleep is more precious than I realize too. Everything seems 10x more complicated when you are fighting through insomnia

I caught myself last night being an absolute jerk, just because I was tired and cranky, and honestly scared to not be able to sleep again. But you know what helped pull me out – a piece of chocolate. That small little delight of chocolate, and watching something that made me laugh. It’s those little things which bring joy in the midst of meh, that remind me that I have so much to be grateful for and so much more purpose than wallowing in a bad mood of worry and bad sleep.

Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me. I wish you restful, restorative sleep tonight. I sure hope I can do the same!