I think the hardest part of the grieving process for me has been settling into life without the ones I love. I knew that it would feel strange continuing life without my grandparents because they were my real parents and that is a big space to fill once those nurturing figures are no longer here to support you. I think about them often. Like today, when the sun shines brightly through my window with a strength that warms my skin as I sit at my sewing table. The warmth of love is one of those tangible things that death strips of this world.
It’s not all bad, the warmth of the sunshine reminds me of those core memories. Moments I may not recall without the prompt of warmth and light, like sitting upstairs in the loft where the big windows of their living room washed the house in beaming brightness. On days like this grandma would hang the laundry outside on two long rows. From my swingset, I saw the sheets dance in the billowing breeze of a warm summer day. But if I hold on to the feeling of the sun on my skin, my mind walks deeper into the library of memories zig-zagging my brain, and selects a deeper track.
Summer morning. Sunshine. Walking around the park, me riding a bike flanked by my cousins while my grandparents discussed the history, the beauty of the sights, the sounds of the birds. Warm. Cozy. Sitting in the loft on a wintery sunny day after baking 10 tea-ring pastries (a big ring of cinnamon rolls that remain uncut to resemble a wreath) with my grandparents sitting beside me on the couch. We share a round of Hershey nuggets most likely for our hard work. Especially Papa who watched us bake from the counter, sitting on a high stool, there for the conversation and the atmosphere.
In the small moments of my day, three years later, I still think of them and I wonder if that will ever change. It no longer makes me tear up, which I like. I don’t enjoy crying. The missing is here to stay. It’s like the longing we feel for heaven and closeness with our Savior. The world is missing something, but the reminders of unconditional love evoked by the warmth of sunlight on my skin pulls me out of whatever task I am working on for a quiet moment of reflection. I reflect on the blessings I have experienced from the love I received here on earth and rejoice that it is not the end. I remember that I am not alone, because the Spirit lives in me and is filling me with love from my Creator.
“But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
Psalm 5:11-12, NLT
let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread your protection over them,
that all who love your name may be filled with joy
For you bless the godly, O Lord;
you surround them with your shield of love.”
One Rabbit Riot 