I have a history with 1920s fashion, 1920s Ireland, and 20th-century football at Geneva College. My first successfully hand-knit sweater is a blend of all these flavor notes. As I consider how this piece came to be, it truly feels like the best possible way to write a love letter to the things that have become a piece of me, whether through ancestry or by my own seeking out, it is my beginning spark that pulled me into the world of designing knitwear.
I’ve been knitting for a decade now with degrees of success. I’ve kept to the small projects. Things like scarves, hats, mug warmers, a tea cozy, and tried my hand at mittens. There have been attempts at sweaters and even an oversized cardigan that turned out okay, but not what I had hoped. But then a movie was made that created exactly what I was looking for, they even made them by historical techniques and by hand. That movie is Martin McDonagh’s The Banshees of Inisherin.
The collar, the shoulders and silhouette of these pieces of knitwear look pulled out of a vintage collection of 1920s extant garments. Because they made these for the movie, it gave me hope that I could capture something historical from the weaving of my needles. This is what I came up with:
Originally, my plan for this sweater was to recreate a sweater I bought from H&M in 2011. I loved the striped boxy shape and easy to pair because of the neutral color story. I was knitting the body while I watched The Banshees of Inisherin for the first time and was taken aback by the knitwear of Padraig O’Sullibhean’s character. It was rugged, cozy, and yet practical in a beautiful celtic sea blue, almost teal hued wool yarn.
With only the body finalized and a sleeve on my needles, I realized I could pivot. I craved the chance to make something like the 1920’s football sweaters of Geneva’s yearbooks but I also wanted to capture the old style of sweater making from the early 20th century. Being from Irish descent, with my ancestors being from the O’Sullibhean clan out of Cork, it seemed like the stars aligned on this project. So I pivoted and widened the shoulders to look more inline with football attire. I added a longer ribbing to the bottom for a vintage feel and lastly I recreated the open collar of Padraig’s sweater.
The finished project perfectly marries the football feel with the connection to the past I desired, wrapped up in a sweater silhouette that I hope more people attempt. Historically inspired knitting was a blast. It also stands out which makes me happy. ☺️
After ten years, I finally did it! Knitting this, my first successful sweater, by my own drafted pattern was even sweeter. Thank you reader, for letting me share this project with you. It is one of my favorites.
I used to be a regular Youtube viewer, especially as a broke newlywed, free content on Youtube was a must compared to paying for streaming or cable. In the mid-to-late 2010s, it was a happening place filled with adventure and wonder. Some of my favorite channels during that time were ones that have gone on to big success, the trap of overconsumption of ideas, just plain fell apart or have run out of ideas.
These channels covered the things I was yearning for – adventure with my best friend, the fun of trying new things and translating fashion knowledge to real life. The videos back then were less planned, and more chaotic, and felt like you, as the viewer, were their plus one coming along for the ride. Along the way though, things have changed. Maybe I’ve changed, maybe they changed, or simply just the world is a different place. But there is something different about Youtube videos, a magic spark is gone.
It could be the sponsorships and the AdSense money that has made it less genuine. Or maybe it’s the success of the channel that actually ruins the genuine moments of those early videos? Like there’s a chasm between the viewer and the content due to unbelievably or fakeness because this is a production now! That kind of thing irks me.
I find myself opening the app, scrolling through my subscriptions, and then switching to YouTube Music to watch a music video if I watch anything. It’s just stale. The videos from these old favorites are monotonous, uninspired, and unwatchable. Of course, I’ve moved on to new channels, but even with these new options, Youtube is not the happening place it used to be. I feel the same way about Instagram too. Any hold it used to have on me for scrolling thankfully is lifted and if I am going to waste time on a device, it is usually running across my island on ACNH.
So, why am I rambling about this? Well, I was struck this morning by such a genuine moment on social media from Yuu’s Adventures. It filled me with warmth and I wanted to share these genuine and wholesome places on Youtube that I hang out in now. Because I realized the magic spark is not over, it’s just in some new haunts.
Yuu’s Adventures – Warm welcome to Japan and its culture. Educational, heartwarming, and down-to-earth. Yuu’s storytelling pulls you in.
The Fast Lane – This channel is OG Top Gear UK if it was in Colorado. Real consumer advice, cheap car challenges, epic road trips.
The Wads – Kimberly Whisk will melt your heart. When I miss my grandma, I watch Kim. She has been a mini-mentor to help me find my footing as a wife and woman as life goes on after disappointment.
The Maine Woods – Cory & Gracie are heartwarming. Cory restores cabins and explores the woods of Maine with his trusty black lab, Gracie. She is an expert at finding Moose sheds.
Simple Living Alaska – Eric and Arielle share recipes, show how they build things, and share their adventures in Alaska living simply. They’re not selling you anything.
Geography King – As Kyle (that’s his name, not my husband) puts it, this is a place to find geography videos from a nerdy type perspective.
Kogarana’s Bunny Popo Channel – This is pure cuteness. The owner, Popo-chan the bunny, and Peto-kyun the cat, make some of the most relaxing and comforting content I have seen.
Reed Timmer Extreme Meteorologist – passion and real heart, intercepting dangerous storms to study and help people stay safe.
Stray Kids’ Vlogs – Are you feeling lonely? Here are eight new friends/brothers to keep you entertained. Join the family and let the laughter ensue. In their spare time, they make music.
I hope this brings a little sunshine to your day. 🌞 Stay tuned for knitting and sewing posts coming soon! I’ve been quite busy knitting up a storm. Until next time! 💓
The process of trying something new is a strange thing. It is a step into the unknown that can be filled with excitement and trepidation. Trying something new involves getting used to a new normal or getting the hang of a new skill. You open yourself to the heights of success and the depths of failure’s despair.
When it is an experience, you have the memories, and when it is a new product what do you have left other than an item you don’t want anymore and less money in your bank account.
That’s what I am muddling through on this bright August morning – how to make sense of my experience this weekend. I bought a new product, several new products that were supposed to improve a monthly experience and they were less than underwhelming.
There was the initial excitement of shopping for the item. The hours of product reviews and research to find the right option. The excitement and hope as I opened the package that this would be as life-changing as they promised. The first try of success, the ease with which this new thing was being used. It was groundbreaking until it wasn’t.
The next day there was a failure, upon failure. This wonder item was no longer a wonder but a black spot on my palm. It drug me to the depths of disappointment and dashed my hopes upon the rocks. Waves of emotion, including a few curses washed over the day.
A day later, with a good night’s sleep and hopefully a clearer head, I try again. Instructions steeped in my mind I set out to make this blasted thing work like the product reviews. I want to be as happy as them. I give it another go, and immediately it is difficult.
But the instructions say there is a learning curve, you have to keep practicing! Let us help you with our customer service tips! Except you actually feel bombarded with more information than you know what to do with. So I keep going.
They give back, I’m doing a good thing, right? Right! You tell yourself. It’s better for the environment, but it’s damaging my calm. Keep going, you tell yourself.
It keeps getting worse, yet I keep going learning into that learning curve, with outstretched arms I want to learn this skill. Be a part of the new normal, until the failure literally slaps me and you better believe it hurts.
The wonderful promise in tatters and the guaranteed experience of better is making you see red. What was the purpose of it all? It was the start of something new.
That’s right – I finished my read of Isaiah! I’m so pumped to be done because that was not light reading. But I’m excited to be in a new book of the Bible after 66 chapters of history and prophecy. It’s like finishing a Dostoyevsky novel and picking up a Jane Austen, the Austen looks like a breeze after 800 pages. Anyways, I prayed about where I should go next and I felt led to read the book of Daniel.
This book is pretty well known in pop culture, I’m sure if you haven’t read the Bible you are aware of the story of Daniel and the lions’ den. One of my favorite Bible stories comes from this book, from chapter three, the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. For a little context, this story takes place in Babylon while the Kingdom of Judah is in captivity in the Babylonian Empire. They were conquered and taken from their home to serve a foreign oppressor, the people of Judah were not in a place of power and so to encounter such boldness in the hearts of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in such an uncomfortable situation is astonishing to me. I want to be more like them, and if I’m being honest, I hope I never have to experience the persecution they go through in this story because it is downright terrifying. Let’s jump in!
King Nebuchadnezzar made an image of gold, whose height was sixty cubits and its breadth six cubits. He set it up on the plain of Dura, in the province of Babylon. Then King Nebuchadnezzar sent to gather the satraps, the prefects, and the governors, the counselors, the treasurers, the justices, the magistrates, and all the officials of the provinces to come to the dedication of the image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Then the satraps, the prefects, and the governors, the counselors, the treasurers, the justices, the magistrates, and all the officials of the provinces gathered for the dedication of the image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. And they stood before the image that Nebuchadnezzar had set up. And the herald proclaimed aloud, “You are commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, that when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, you are to fall down and worship the golden image that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. And whoever does not fall down and worship shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace.” Therefore, as soon as all the peoples heard the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, all the peoples, nations, and languages fell down and worshiped the golden image that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Therefore at that time certain Chaldeans came forward and maliciously accused the Jews. They declared to King Nebuchadnezzar, “O king, live forever! You, O king, have made a decree, that every man who hears the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, shall fall down and worship the golden image. And whoever does not fall down and worship shall be cast into a burning fiery furnace. There are certain Jews whom you have appointed over the affairs of the province of Babylon: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These men, O king, pay no attention to you; they do not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” Then Nebuchadnezzar in furious rage commanded that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego be brought. So they brought these men before the king. Nebuchadnezzar answered and said to them, “Is it true, O Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the golden image that I have set up? Now if you are ready when you hear the sound of the horn, pipe, lyre, trigon, harp, bagpipe, and every kind of music, to fall down and worship the image that I have made, well and good. But if you do not worship, you shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you out of my hands?” Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” Then Nebuchadnezzar was filled with fury, and the expression of his face was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace heated seven times more than it was usually heated. And he ordered some of the mighty men of his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace. Then these men were bound in their cloaks, their tunics,their hats, and their other garments, and they were thrown into the burning fiery furnace. Because the king’s order was urgent and the furnace overheated, the flame of the fire killed those men who took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell bound into the burning fiery furnace. Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.” Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the burning fiery furnace; he declared, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here!” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out from the fire. And the satraps, the prefects, the governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. The hair of their heads was not singed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire had come upon them. Nebuchadnezzar answered and said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who has sent his angel and delivered his servants, who trusted in him, and set aside the king’s command, and yielded up their bodies rather than serve and worship any god except their own God.Therefore I make a decree: Any people, nation, or language that speaks anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego shall be torn limb from limb, and their houses laid in ruins, for there is no other god who is able to rescue in this way.” Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the province of Babylon.
Daniel 3
The part of the story that stuck out to me in my reading this morning was Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s response to the incredible peer pressure and martial law to comply by force with the decree to bow and worship. At first, it seems like they make a snap decision to not comply, yet as the text says they were brought to this statue, they actually had time to prepare for this moment, which is evident in how they respond. Being taught this story as a child I thought these guys were like superheroes, with incredible strength to stand up to this egotistical king. Still, actually, as an adult with more maturity and wisdom, I see it as the preparation that made them strong. It was not by their own might, but God’s power and provision leading them. They were submitting their ways to God’s law and His plan.
In the previous chapter, God creates the opportunity that leads to their promotion to this position where they would be invited to such an event, this was part of His plan. Now if Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had reacted out of emotion they would not be prepared for the task before them. If they had spent their time leading up to the statue’s dedication worrying, complaining, or simply ignoring it they would not have been indwelled with the Spirit who helped them through this unimaginable trial. But it is obvious that they put on the armor of God before this moment, they went to God for His help and wisdom so that they would know what to say and how to respond.
Their response is too bold to have come from their human wisdom, because who as a mortal being would challenge such a king as Nebuchadnezzar who literally wants to throw people who disagree with him into a fire? We would call him a despot or heinous dictator now who is violating human rights, not a king. Imagine what it must have been like standing up to someone like that. Could you do it on your power? Would your voice be strong? Would you push his buttons like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s reply did?
Now with our modern understanding of how hot this fire must have been, hot enough that the servants who put the three into the fire died, it is mind-bogglingly fascinating what happens! Like even with the faith of knowing that the God who created fire has the knowledge of how to protect Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, it is still wild how they survive without any damage. I think that is another reason why this story is such a favorite of mine because it is such a bold display of God’s power. As I go through my day and the distractions of modern life cloud my mind, I never forget that God is powerful but it isn’t in the forefront of my mind. This story pulls me out of the noise and brings me back to what is important, God being on your side is all that matters. That’s the difference maker.
Finally, the part of the story that fills me with hope and comfort is when Nebuchadnezzar realizes there are four men in the fire, and they are unbound, alive, and honestly thriving. Why? Because Jesus came. He was standing next to them in the fire. He protected them, freed them, and nothing can separate them from Him who rescues us.
It’s pretty awesome. So when life gets out of hand, I need to remember this. Thank you reader for letting me share my favorite story with you.
A goal I’ve had in mind, well really, a dream I’ve had since I was a teenager was to be able to speak, read and write the Japanese language with fluency. This is a big goal, I know. But my desire to do so has grown and grown, even though I know this will be one of the most difficult things I have attempted. Six months in, I am seeing why it is a daunting task. Has my passion diminished?
Why Do I Want to Learn Japanese?
My interest was first piqued watching season three of America’s Next Top Model, as the top six were flown to Tokyo and were given tasks like shopping in the Harajuku and Shibuya neighborhoods, ad reading commercials in Japanese, and going on go-sees within the city. I was amazed by the beautiful land and culture that was so different from my own, yet felt incredibly intriguing. I guess I felt fernweh for the first time in my life.
My next crossroads with Japanese culture was G4’s broadcasting of the original Japanese Ninja Warrior. This is where my desire to learn the language of Japanese hit full throttle. Although there were cut scenes at the end of segments with a narrator speaking in English, the rest was completely in Japanese from the commentators to the contestant interviews. I fell in love with the cadence of it, in awe of the way it rose and fell. I wanted to understand what they were saying and how they were saying the words. I wanted to be able to read the syllables written in beautiful calligraphy.
Moving forward to high school, my best friend introduced me to Naruto, my first anime. I dove deeper into Japanese aesthetics as my love for fashion design blossomed. Another friend went on a missions trip to Japan, she brought back pocky and fascinating pictures of the city she lived in during her time in Japan, including the kei cars which made me smile just looking at them. Fast forward to college where I watched Departures’ travels through Japan, watched more anime like Fruits Basket and Vash the Stampede, and researched Japanese aesthetics for fashion history projects.
In my twenties, I discovered Studio Ghibli, James May Our Man in Japan, Ivan Orkin’s episode of Chefs Table, the fashion of Nana, and the ability to dip my toes into the language through Duolingo. Duolingo wasn’t cutting it though. Hiragana and Katakana were hard to grasp because I was not learning to write them out. The gamification nature of the app distracted me from learning and retaining the language, instead, I just focused on not losing hearts. So I needed a real shot at this.
Going Back to Books (and Some Technology)
In January 2023, I made a big purchase. I went on Thriftbooks and bought Japanese Language textbooks, Hiragana instructional books, a dictionary, and a grammar book. All of these resources were cheaper than paying for language learning subscriptions from Duolingo, Babbel, Rosetta Stone, and Lingodeer by the way! I grabbed a notebook and a pen. It was time to sit down with my lesson book.
This is when the real challenge began – motivating myself to be a good student without a teacher there to keep me on track. Yes, I realize I probably should have signed up for a class, but I made the investment in the books and had a burning passion to accomplish my new goal – to visit Japan with fluency in Japanese so that I could be fully immersed in the culture. That was the goal.
How is it going so far? Well, the books have been a fantastic resource. I retain far more information by doing than by just visual or auditory resources. The lessons have enabled me to take notes and begin committing the things I am learning to memory such as basic greetings, sentence structure, pronunciation, and speech patterns. I have also begun memorizing Hiragana and Katakana.
This has single-handedly been the most difficult part of learning for me. I have been the tortoise, not the hare when it comes to writing and reading Katakana and Hiragana. I’ve been memorizing them for months now and I still have yet to remember each one perfectly. One of the reasons my lesson progress has slowed down is because I switched my focus purely to acquiring the written form of the language, and once I grasp this I still have Kanji to learn – yikes!
It’s overwhelming but not impossible! To set myself up for success, I downloaded a calligraphy app that instructs users on how to properly draw each syllable. The way I approached my Hiragana attempts before using the app is dramatically different from how I should be drawing them. I am so grateful for the ability to learn the correct form through something as accessible as an app. You can literally practice anywhere. I spent a solid two months solely focusing on how to correctly draw the syllables, remembering their meaning, and pronunciation.
My friend also sent me a video from “The Joy of Kanji” series on Youtube and Instagram, in which the teacher draws the word, the historical Kanji form, and modern Kanji to illustrate the word’s meaning. This has helped me tremendously grasp what Kanji is first of all, and how to begin thinking in Japanese. As someone with an artistic background, I actually prefer the way the Japanese language uses pictures in its communication compared to English. My brain is beginning to click with it and with proper understanding, I feel less overwhelmed and more encouraged to keep learning.
There were some concepts I was still not grasping – like the pronunciation of the “R” sounds. This really confused me. To help me grasp pronunciation and work on my listening comprehension, I turned to a Youtube channel called “Learn Japanese with Tanaka-san” which is a fantastic resource. She creates such thoughtful lessons that have boosted my learning and comprehension within a few videos. There are listening practice videos, conversation crafting videos, and videos that feature a listening and speaking style of a batch of phrases. Tanaka-san, otsukaresama deshita!
Goals for the Next 6 Months
Do more lessons in the book! I have only completed four in the first unit and I am not pleased with my slow progress because I have been procrastinating with the lesson book specifically.
Have a solid foundation with Hiragana and Katakana that allows me to read without looking at my notes
It’s a long journey, reading through the 66 chapters of Isaiah. They are long, well-thought-out prophecies of what did happen to Israel historically and what will come to pass in the future. There’s a lot to make sense of in these chapters.
As of this morning, I’ve read through 52 chapters. It’s like the summit of the mountain is starting to come into view and I know the challenge is almost done. It’s a good feeling!
Second Time Through Isaiah
This is not my first time through the book of Isaiah, as mentioned before in Reading the Bible With God I looked for God’s direction in my Bible Study this year because of reading through the entire Bible in 2020-2021. I felt led by God to dig deeper into passages of God’s word that I don’t know as well. As I discussed in Matthew 27 & Isaiah 25 the book of Isaiah has application and significant references during Jesus’ ministry.
To understand the gospels and the bigger picture of what this story is pointing to. And for a deeper understanding of those hyperlinks back to Isaiah for a historical and cultural understanding of what Jesus is teaching, Isaiah is like one of the threads weaving the warp and weft together.
That being said, it is a long, tough to keep going reading journey through the book of Isaiah!
The pages overflow with imagery of the impending destruction of Israel and its enemies. This is not the parables of the Gospels or the instructional letters of the New Testament. It’s not even like the adventures in history that Old Testament books like Exodus, Ruth, or 1&2 Samuel contain. Isaiah is a book of action that has come and will come, where sometimes it is unclear where the distinction lies. Because it is a book of prophecy.
Prophecy Can Be Tricky
Some prophetic passages are quite clear in their message. Isaiah was a prophet directed by God to prophesy about the coming Messiah, Jesus. Each time the book of Isaiah mentions the Messiah or Son of Man it is easy to understand that this a prophecy we have record of coming to pass in the New Testament.
The prophecies about Israel’s capture and exile to the world powers of their day – Assyria and Babylon, we have a record of this happening in the Old Testament. Just go to 2 Kings, 2 Chronicles, Jeremiah, Esther, and Jeremiah.
There are also prophecies about Israel’s enemies and their impending destruction at the hands of other nations Edom, Egypt, Assyria, and Babylon to name a few. There is a historical record of this that we can reference. We see the aftermath of this in the Persian empire referenced in books such as Esther, Ezra, Nehemiah, and Daniel.
But some prophecies are less clear for their time and place. Particularly the passages discussing the city of Zion and the Earth passing away. It can be difficult to stay focused in reading chapter after chapter when the subject matter is so lofty.
What I mean by that is, we as humans have a limited understanding of our world. We explore, we study, but we do not know the time and place things are going to happen. And when things become abstract, I get bored. My mind either wanders away from the subject at hand or I started to develop my own conclusions. Neither is profitable for understanding the book of Isaiah because I don’t know the future.
Keep Going, Keep Reading
This is the stage where I put off my reading, like we do as humans. Around halfway through the Book of Isaiah, you’re 30 chapters in and the subject matter begins to drag. For myself, when I am starting a new book of the Bible, there is motivation to dive and to make progress. In studying Isaiah for the second time, there was a sense of accomplishment – I read the entire 66 chapters before, you can do it again. The first 20 or so chapters were read quickly, I made miles like a thru-hiker.
But then 30 and 40 hit, and my mind at least begin to question my progress. The remaining second half of the book looms in front of me like an impossible task. I began to procrastinate reading only one chapter. I would look for another book of the Bible to read, and I began wandering over to the poetry of the Psalms because it is easier to understand.
Or I just skipped my Bible Study entirely. Yep, I hit a slump and I gave into the easy way out. Neither of these was going to help my goal of familiarizing myself with Isaiah or growing closer to God in the way He was calling me to Him and His word. But as believers, I think we are too proud or too insecure to admit we struggle with reading the Bible consistently. But I think we should be more honest with our human struggles. It would certainly be more relatable than the perfect facade we chose to display. How dumb is that? We act like we are doing this all on our own like we did the saving.
We didn’t save ourselves, we can’t transform our hearts by our own will, so why are we so hesitant to go to the source and ask for encouragement? I’m guilty of this, we all our. I think if we had a safe space of being honest with our Bible Study struggles, instead of fearing rebuke or shame that we are not perfect it would be better. I think if we as a collective body of Christ would be honest it would foster a healthier community that could encourage us to keep going, even when it is hard and we don’t want to.
So don’t give up! I’m struggling too, forcing myself to keep reading and failing regularly. The important part is trying and doing, little by little. As God for His help and His motivation. I hope this encourages you today.
Over the weekend, I felt a sudden urge to paint again. I’d shunned my art supplies for two years, collecting dust on a shelf. Art was such a connection to my dad and is family, when that connection became strained my love to create with paper and paint became complex, a time of dark contemplation instead of creative freedom over what was and what could have been. As we drove home on Monday night, passing through a frantic rainstorm to the breath of fresh air that is sunshine, I was struck by how beautiful the summer sky is in the evening. The tall clouds of a thunderhead, whispering clouds on the other side, a pink and orange fantasy against purple and gray misty sky, all grounded by the rolling green hills below. It was a blast to soak in the sights of these big sky moments as we drove north back home on a interstate.
The next morning, in bright sunshine I decided to give it a go and try to capture what I saw that evening – this is what I came up with. It was a joy to create with this medium again after so many years without picking up a brush, but with a clearer head. I guess time really does heal everything. Do you like watercolor painting or sketching? Have you left a hobby for years only to realize it is something you really love?
Have you ever experienced one of those nights when no matter what you do you can’t drift off into the delightful slumber of a good night’s sleep?
I’ll go through bouts of bad sleep in the summer when the humidity sets in and the night is just a bit too stuffy. Those first weeks of summer when the warmth comes to rest overnight, and the fan radiating air from the window can’t seem to beat back the soupy air. Recently though, it was a bigger boss battle. The wandering of my mind to landscapes of worry.
Night Awakens My Creativity
I’ve always been a night owl. In the past, if I’ve been in the middle of a project at a job or heavy weighted exam in school it hovers in my mind when I am trying to sleep. It’s like I can’t allow myself to stop, rest, and recharge. I want to keep going. Keep creating until it’s perfectly done.
Sometimes my best ideas for garment construction or writing a scene in a fiction story come in those wee hours, trying to drift my mind off to sleep. And I’m not abnormal, this is pretty common, even glamorized as the artist’s life.
I don’t love the timing of these creative streaks, but I have over time learned the discipline of telling myself, that’s enough – it’s time to turn my mind off. That’s what it feels like, turning my mind off, like flipping an invisible switch to motivate my inner creative machine to close shop for the night.
But worry. Worrying, fear, anxiety, etc are the emotions I still have yet to best when they interrupt my sleep. With my mom having surgery this week, I’ve been best friends with insomnia. My mind has been restless, even combative towards peace and relaxation. I’ve been a tightened spring coil, resisting the welcoming aura of my bed in a false sense of control that if I worry about her surgery that I can somehow keep bad things from happening. Like I have any control over this thing!
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4 ESV
I remember in therapy for anxiety and panic attacks in college, the thing that was the most helpful but the most painful was my therapist telling me that I was not in control. Ouch. It made me feel so dumb and small, yet the conviction and freedom I felt were like a cool breeze on a hot sunny day. It’s the illusion of control that makes my mind tie up into knots. But the stark reminder, the tough love of being told, you can’t control these things that overwhelm you, well it takes the burden off of my shoulders.
His Way, Not Mine
I’ve been thinking about that a lot on these nights of tossing and turning in what-ifs.
These dominos of confusion that I mentioned in Spiraling in Silence are not there for naught. With the personal maturity and spiritual wisdom I have sought out in 2023, there has been a path of growth and progress. But with growing comes growing pains, and spiritual maturity comes testing. And although these back-to-back weeks have been annoying, they have been a reminder to keep growing.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 ESV
With June marking the halfway point of the year, it can feel like a good place to stop, to rest. I mean, especially in the United States the beginning of June is the kickoff of vacation season. You’re supposed to “leave it all behind” and have some big, never-ending pool party/beach vacation/barbeque, that is at least what the commercials are selling. But with my faith, there is no vacation season, no coasting if I am seeking growth. Because God uses all things, the annoying bouts of insomnia or the big things – medical procedures that scare us – for good.
When we are worried or scared, because life is ripe with troubles ready to knock us down, it is encouraging to remember that these are opportunities to rely on God and all that He does for us. It is the time to rest in His plan and provision, for example, the provision to bring people into our lives at the exact moment we need them, that shower us with the love and support we crave when life makes us lonely.
Gratitude and Kit-Kats
One of the best ways I have found to get my head out of worry when I can’t sleep is to distract myself by counting my blessings. Even when life is going bad, I’m amazed at how many good things are going right in my life, that I simply forget about until I stop to think about it. Simply being alive, with a roof over my head and a meal to eat are huge things to not take for granted.
I have yet to beat the boss battle of my worry, and it still bests me most of the time, but I am learning how to change my perspective in those moments, and that sure feels like a step in the right direction. Getting rest and recharging in some way during those bouts of worry and lost sleep is more precious than I realize too. Everything seems 10x more complicated when you are fighting through insomnia
I caught myself last night being an absolute jerk, just because I was tired and cranky, and honestly scared to not be able to sleep again. But you know what helped pull me out – a piece of chocolate. That small little delight of chocolate, and watching something that made me laugh. It’s those little things which bring joy in the midst of meh, that remind me that I have so much to be grateful for and so much more purpose than wallowing in a bad mood of worry and bad sleep.
Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me. I wish you restful, restorative sleep tonight. I sure hope I can do the same!
I like transparency and honesty, yet I have not been honest with myself this week. I have been a spiritual dark cloud with a disinterested heart towards reading my Bible and spending time each day with God. I have been running from Him, which has set me on a path of unrest and a posture that is lacking in self-care.
Neck Anxiety
Literally, my posture has been one of emotional unrest. My shoulders and neck are making me pay for it as I’ve let them get stuck in knots. Existing in the tension of my mind. The physical toll of anxious, spiraling thoughts is sometimes worse than the emotions. Because after it’s over, and my muscles relax I am left with the haunting sensation of sore, aching muscles that were unable to relax in the midst of my mind’s tumult.
This cloud of spiritual funk has left me in an anxious place worrying about things I’m not even sure I should be worrying about.
One man’s sermon should not be so destructive unless that is exactly what the enemy wants. I think I’ve been under attack for two weeks now, the anxiety I am holding in my neck certainly communicates a war in my mind.
Isn’t strange how we can be on top of the world one day and the next something knocks us down into despair. A melancholy that keeps us stagnant.
It reminds me of Elijah’s depression in 1 Kings 19.
Growth to Crisis
I’ve felt so on fire for God for months now. I’ve been stepping out in faith more, speaking out for the gospel, and ministering to my unbelieving friends with boldness. I have been tithing for the first time with consistency, and yet, even when we are doing all the right things tests come. Spiritual warfare comes. Confusion and chaos shake us like Elijah experienced after God defeated the prophets of Baal.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
1 Kings 19:4-8 ESV
I’ve felt the temptation to be stagnant, or worse to regress back to a place where I am seeking my own will instead of God’s will. I know deep down nothing good would come of that choice. No blessings, no peace, no fruit.
I’ve been silent. Not praying, or looking for any quiet moments with God. I have been shying away from my usual routine of listening to worship music throughout the week, refusing to be fed, like Elijah refused to eat or drink and wished to wither away.
Chaos & Confusion
Sometimes the church has some bad witnesses and presents parts of the Bible in ways that feel more like man’s way than God’s holy way. I’ve decided to abandon the sermon series I’ve been listening to and run from this convoluted presentation of what heaven will be like and the reward system that God has. It has done nothing but cause chaos in my heart, to make me fearful of God’s judgment instead of running to the Heavenly Father with open arms.
My husband has been very patient with me, listening to my worries and my questions. He has been defeating the lies the enemy is trying to trap me in about who God is. He has reminded me that even strong believers go through times of struggle, and these weird time times can produce growth.
It doesn’t mean I am a failure.
As I am writing this I see now that the biggest way this funk has impacted me is the sense of isolation and shame.
I have kept this anxiety from everyone, including my close friends. I have felt ashamed to admit I’m struggling and have put myself in a bubble. As the week progressed I became more and more stuck in my own head. Insomnia and bad dreams have taken residence in my head. I’ve felt run down and not like myself.
Unlikely Gift
I now wonder if the mysterious squirrel or bat that was in our chimney was literally a blessing because it drove me into the welcoming hugs of my friends’ next door. The evening of the mysterious noises should have been terrible, but instead, I think now about how loved I felt. I think God brings those opportunities about to show us how loved and cared for we are, even when we are going through Spiritual growing pains.
God provided for David when David was being chased and brought his complaints to God.
God fed Elijah and cared for him even though Elijah was wishing for death.
God is good. He is bigger than our problems. He can handle our darkness. He wants to be our source of strength and I lost sight of that. I’m thankful God never loses sight of what is important and never gives up.
If you are struggling dear reader, I hope this will encourage you to keep going. You’re not a failure if you are having a bad week or a bad month. Sometimes we go through waves of emotions that are difficult to process and we need to be patient with ourselves. You are not alone.
