Over the weekend, I felt a sudden urge to paint again. I’d shunned my art supplies for two years, collecting dust on a shelf. Art was such a connection to my dad and is family, when that connection became strained my love to create with paper and paint became complex, a time of dark contemplation instead of creative freedom over what was and what could have been. As we drove home on Monday night, passing through a frantic rainstorm to the breath of fresh air that is sunshine, I was struck by how beautiful the summer sky is in the evening. The tall clouds of a thunderhead, whispering clouds on the other side, a pink and orange fantasy against purple and gray misty sky, all grounded by the rolling green hills below. It was a blast to soak in the sights of these big sky moments as we drove north back home on a interstate.
The next morning, in bright sunshine I decided to give it a go and try to capture what I saw that evening – this is what I came up with. It was a joy to create with this medium again after so many years without picking up a brush, but with a clearer head. I guess time really does heal everything. Do you like watercolor painting or sketching? Have you left a hobby for years only to realize it is something you really love?
Have you ever experienced one of those nights when no matter what you do you can’t drift off into the delightful slumber of a good night’s sleep?
I’ll go through bouts of bad sleep in the summer when the humidity sets in and the night is just a bit too stuffy. Those first weeks of summer when the warmth comes to rest overnight, and the fan radiating air from the window can’t seem to beat back the soupy air. Recently though, it was a bigger boss battle. The wandering of my mind to landscapes of worry.
Night Awakens My Creativity
I’ve always been a night owl. In the past, if I’ve been in the middle of a project at a job or heavy weighted exam in school it hovers in my mind when I am trying to sleep. It’s like I can’t allow myself to stop, rest, and recharge. I want to keep going. Keep creating until it’s perfectly done.
Sometimes my best ideas for garment construction or writing a scene in a fiction story come in those wee hours, trying to drift my mind off to sleep. And I’m not abnormal, this is pretty common, even glamorized as the artist’s life.
I don’t love the timing of these creative streaks, but I have over time learned the discipline of telling myself, that’s enough – it’s time to turn my mind off. That’s what it feels like, turning my mind off, like flipping an invisible switch to motivate my inner creative machine to close shop for the night.
But worry. Worrying, fear, anxiety, etc are the emotions I still have yet to best when they interrupt my sleep. With my mom having surgery this week, I’ve been best friends with insomnia. My mind has been restless, even combative towards peace and relaxation. I’ve been a tightened spring coil, resisting the welcoming aura of my bed in a false sense of control that if I worry about her surgery that I can somehow keep bad things from happening. Like I have any control over this thing!
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4 ESV
I remember in therapy for anxiety and panic attacks in college, the thing that was the most helpful but the most painful was my therapist telling me that I was not in control. Ouch. It made me feel so dumb and small, yet the conviction and freedom I felt were like a cool breeze on a hot sunny day. It’s the illusion of control that makes my mind tie up into knots. But the stark reminder, the tough love of being told, you can’t control these things that overwhelm you, well it takes the burden off of my shoulders.
His Way, Not Mine
I’ve been thinking about that a lot on these nights of tossing and turning in what-ifs.
These dominos of confusion that I mentioned in Spiraling in Silence are not there for naught. With the personal maturity and spiritual wisdom I have sought out in 2023, there has been a path of growth and progress. But with growing comes growing pains, and spiritual maturity comes testing. And although these back-to-back weeks have been annoying, they have been a reminder to keep growing.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 ESV
With June marking the halfway point of the year, it can feel like a good place to stop, to rest. I mean, especially in the United States the beginning of June is the kickoff of vacation season. You’re supposed to “leave it all behind” and have some big, never-ending pool party/beach vacation/barbeque, that is at least what the commercials are selling. But with my faith, there is no vacation season, no coasting if I am seeking growth. Because God uses all things, the annoying bouts of insomnia or the big things – medical procedures that scare us – for good.
When we are worried or scared, because life is ripe with troubles ready to knock us down, it is encouraging to remember that these are opportunities to rely on God and all that He does for us. It is the time to rest in His plan and provision, for example, the provision to bring people into our lives at the exact moment we need them, that shower us with the love and support we crave when life makes us lonely.
Gratitude and Kit-Kats
One of the best ways I have found to get my head out of worry when I can’t sleep is to distract myself by counting my blessings. Even when life is going bad, I’m amazed at how many good things are going right in my life, that I simply forget about until I stop to think about it. Simply being alive, with a roof over my head and a meal to eat are huge things to not take for granted.
I have yet to beat the boss battle of my worry, and it still bests me most of the time, but I am learning how to change my perspective in those moments, and that sure feels like a step in the right direction. Getting rest and recharging in some way during those bouts of worry and lost sleep is more precious than I realize too. Everything seems 10x more complicated when you are fighting through insomnia
I caught myself last night being an absolute jerk, just because I was tired and cranky, and honestly scared to not be able to sleep again. But you know what helped pull me out – a piece of chocolate. That small little delight of chocolate, and watching something that made me laugh. It’s those little things which bring joy in the midst of meh, that remind me that I have so much to be grateful for and so much more purpose than wallowing in a bad mood of worry and bad sleep.
Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me. I wish you restful, restorative sleep tonight. I sure hope I can do the same!
I like transparency and honesty, yet I have not been honest with myself this week. I have been a spiritual dark cloud with a disinterested heart towards reading my Bible and spending time each day with God. I have been running from Him, which has set me on a path of unrest and a posture that is lacking in self-care.
Neck Anxiety
Literally, my posture has been one of emotional unrest. My shoulders and neck are making me pay for it as I’ve let them get stuck in knots. Existing in the tension of my mind. The physical toll of anxious, spiraling thoughts is sometimes worse than the emotions. Because after it’s over, and my muscles relax I am left with the haunting sensation of sore, aching muscles that were unable to relax in the midst of my mind’s tumult.
This cloud of spiritual funk has left me in an anxious place worrying about things I’m not even sure I should be worrying about.
One man’s sermon should not be so destructive unless that is exactly what the enemy wants. I think I’ve been under attack for two weeks now, the anxiety I am holding in my neck certainly communicates a war in my mind.
Isn’t strange how we can be on top of the world one day and the next something knocks us down into despair. A melancholy that keeps us stagnant.
It reminds me of Elijah’s depression in 1 Kings 19.
Growth to Crisis
I’ve felt so on fire for God for months now. I’ve been stepping out in faith more, speaking out for the gospel, and ministering to my unbelieving friends with boldness. I have been tithing for the first time with consistency, and yet, even when we are doing all the right things tests come. Spiritual warfare comes. Confusion and chaos shake us like Elijah experienced after God defeated the prophets of Baal.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
1 Kings 19:4-8 ESV
I’ve felt the temptation to be stagnant, or worse to regress back to a place where I am seeking my own will instead of God’s will. I know deep down nothing good would come of that choice. No blessings, no peace, no fruit.
I’ve been silent. Not praying, or looking for any quiet moments with God. I have been shying away from my usual routine of listening to worship music throughout the week, refusing to be fed, like Elijah refused to eat or drink and wished to wither away.
Chaos & Confusion
Sometimes the church has some bad witnesses and presents parts of the Bible in ways that feel more like man’s way than God’s holy way. I’ve decided to abandon the sermon series I’ve been listening to and run from this convoluted presentation of what heaven will be like and the reward system that God has. It has done nothing but cause chaos in my heart, to make me fearful of God’s judgment instead of running to the Heavenly Father with open arms.
My husband has been very patient with me, listening to my worries and my questions. He has been defeating the lies the enemy is trying to trap me in about who God is. He has reminded me that even strong believers go through times of struggle, and these weird time times can produce growth.
It doesn’t mean I am a failure.
As I am writing this I see now that the biggest way this funk has impacted me is the sense of isolation and shame.
I have kept this anxiety from everyone, including my close friends. I have felt ashamed to admit I’m struggling and have put myself in a bubble. As the week progressed I became more and more stuck in my own head. Insomnia and bad dreams have taken residence in my head. I’ve felt run down and not like myself.
Unlikely Gift
I now wonder if the mysterious squirrel or bat that was in our chimney was literally a blessing because it drove me into the welcoming hugs of my friends’ next door. The evening of the mysterious noises should have been terrible, but instead, I think now about how loved I felt. I think God brings those opportunities about to show us how loved and cared for we are, even when we are going through Spiritual growing pains.
God provided for David when David was being chased and brought his complaints to God.
God fed Elijah and cared for him even though Elijah was wishing for death.
God is good. He is bigger than our problems. He can handle our darkness. He wants to be our source of strength and I lost sight of that. I’m thankful God never loses sight of what is important and never gives up.
If you are struggling dear reader, I hope this will encourage you to keep going. You’re not a failure if you are having a bad week or a bad month. Sometimes we go through waves of emotions that are difficult to process and we need to be patient with ourselves. You are not alone.
I’ve found there is something serene about mending your own clothes. I find it almost a joy to launder the items and collect them in a pile for a day of slow, methodical stitches and problem solving. It makes the chaos of holes and rips into the calm of rejoined fabric and orderly hems. There is a satisfaction in fixing an item that was broken, making it as good as new. It reminds me that in life when the problems come, and there will be problems big and small, that it’s not over when trouble comes.
Like last night, when a scratching and rustling sound echoed from our chimney to the fireplace below. All I could picture was that scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when the squirrel terrorizes the living room, scurrying from table to chair, knocking things over and crawling on Clark.
Of course this happened after dark, naturally as it does, when the stores are closed and the exterminator or animal control would be closed. In a frenzy we grabbed a sheet of plywood from the wood shop and covered the hearth opening. I called my neighbor, who has become like framily (friend-family) to me. They shared advice from their own experience with critters in their house, wrapped me in a hug and calmed me down with some good laughs. When I came back home, although the bat or squirrel or whatever it is, may still be on the other side that plywood I felt okay.
Having caring and friends who love and support you is the mending thread of our lives when things get weird.
Seams and a New Gadget
Today’s mending agenda consisted of re-attaching a missed seam on a pair of underwear I bought from a big brand, the pieces of fabric were connected across the seat seam with a serger aka overlocking machine and it either ripped the fabric which dislodged it from the seam or the pieces did not get sewn together in the first place. I have a love-hate relationship with the practice of serging ends and seams. I know it saves time and uses less fabric to finish seams but dang, they tend to unravel like nothing else. So, is it really better? I’m not sure. But that’s my opinion.
I’m doing a repair on a tank that I made from a burnt orange knit fabric. I made an unwise decision to take it in at the armhole which made the fit around the bust odd. It’s pulling and the stitches are placing too much stress on the knit fabric, which I saw the aftermath of while unpicking the stitches that made the armhole smaller. There were some big rips! Now the underside of each armhole looks like it was chewed up. Which to honest made me feel a bit stressed out because I enjoy wearing this piece and I don’t have any more fabric to patch the whole with. Thankfully my new gadget made this process of closing each rip easier – the palm thimble!
As I mentioned before in #21 – Sewing When I Lost the Love For It I have developed tendinitis in the knuckle of my middle finger of my sewing hand. This is what drove me to stop hand sewing in general and get used to using my Heavy Duty Singer machine. But alas, there are still times when you need to sew by hand like when inserting a zipper, mending rips and holes in fabric, and button and buttonhole insertion. I ran into this problem whilst completing this vest for my father-in-law. Just a few hours of hand sewing these buttons and button holes, awaken my injury and my knuckle was not happy. It’s made hand sewing a bit tense for me because what if it keeps getting worse? I love doing this, I don’t want to stop making things or knitting.
But, I was browsing my Instagram feed a few days later and behold a creator I follow named Geri In Stitches was sporting an intriguing accessory – the Sashiko thimble by which she pushed the needles through the fabric with her palm instead of putting stress on her finger. I used mine today for mending and it was a completely difference experience! My finger is not in pain, the knuckle is not inflamed or swollen. It worked! I’m over the moon excited about it.
Taking in Garments
Along with mending today, I also took in three pairs of shorts that were just draped to the point of looking silly. It’s an interesting feeling when I have to take items in because there is that feeling of, dang, now I have to fix something that wasn’t even broken just for the right fit. And there is also a feeling of accomplishment because I have been getting healthier.
I’m tackling my inflammation from food allergy and stress, toning up through interval training sessions, and making healthier choices that is helping me slim down a bit. I went through a decade of gaining weight and not understanding why I couldn’t lose it. It was frustrating and discouraging to feel so out of control. If only I had the wisdom to see how much the mind and the body are connected. The food allergy was giving my body anxiety and inflammation, making it difficult to maintain let alone get in better shape. Mind was so foggy from the stress and emotions of that time period that I didn’t want to take care of myself because I thought – what is the point?
When I have the opportunity to do these alterations, it’s this little moment of progress without having to weigh myself on a scale which is my ultimate trigger into a unhealthy spiral, but also to feel this moment of this will be an easy sewing project today. The item is already completed, and well loved. It’s relaxing compared to garment construction when I can still screw things up.
Later on today, I have another round of alterations, replacing a waistband tie on a pair of shorts and adjusting the fit on another pair of shorts. And then it will be time to put my thimble away and leave process for the next time. But with each wear I will remember the time and love put into these clothes to keep them in good order. A well loved closet.
Do you mend your own clothes? Have you ever taken a garment to be altered or do you just make it work? Before learning to sew, I would just accept my fate if items broke or stopped fitting. It’s a freeing feeling to not be stuck in letting the clothes decide for you. I’d recommend giving it a try or finding someone who can help you with their own sewing skills. It truly makes a difference.
For a week, I decided to do something a little different with my Bible reading. Instead of reading a chapter or two, from whatever book I happened to be studying at the time, I’ve been reading, slowly, methodically over the first 40 verses of Psalm 119. If you’re not familiar with this passage, Psalm 119 has a unique structure. It is 176 verses in length that are divided into 16 sections, each section is named for a letter in the Hebrew alphabet. It’s not a quick read! And usually, I don’t approach this reading with enough attention. My usual posture is to power through its length, but this time I wanted to get a bit more knowledge out of it. The idea was to push my mind to get acquainted with the text and the wisdom of the lines of the page.
Because to be honest, this chapter is dense with words, imagery, and lessons. The sentence structure of the ancient Hebrews is tricky, I read the words in the wrong order and sometimes miss the point of what I am reading. So either I can get discouraged by the intricacy of studying this section of the Bible or I change my approach. I chose to expand my idea of what my time studying the Bible looks like, as an experiment to see if meditating on the words, is as important as they say.
Restful Reading
After my interval training workouts, I like to cool down by laying on my yoga mat with my legs and feet up against a wall. The feeling of my back realigning while the lymphatic draining, makes me feel leaner, and the posture of lying on my back staring at the ceiling provides a moment of total relaxation after pushing my muscles. It is something I look forward to. Sometimes I push myself to workout, just to do this part. Usually during my legs against the wall session, I’ll watch a Youtube video or possibly a music video, something that will excite my mind with stunning visuals or thought-provoking content, usually about fashion history.
But what about those seasons of dryness? I’ve been in a three-week slump of a spiritual desert. I want to dig into the Word, stay focused on the Lord, and be prayerful throughout my day. I have not been. I’ve been leaning into distractions, into music, video games, etc. So I decided to challenge myself during a rest on my yoga mat, to leave my phone on my dresser, and pray. To be completely alone with God, and dwell in His presence instead of distractions. With a rapid-fire list of K-Pop songs swirling in my head, I asked God to help me focus on Him and Him alone. I wanted the ability to shut out all distractions.
My internal playlist went from 11 into a whisper, then silence. Like a volume dial turned by His hand.
The next day, I missed my workout but I was craving some downtime. After my shower, in the quiet of the evening light, I spread out my yoga mat on the wood floor and extended my hand out towards my bed, to my Bible. I asked the Lord to guide me, what should I be focusing on tonight? What would you like me to learn about you? I felt a pull towards the Psalms, instead of my current place in Isaiah. To Psalm 119. Not a psalm I gravitate towards, a marathon more than a read to me.
I was thinking about the way in which Biblical scholars read the Bible, and how the Israelite men used to study the scriptures in the temple schools. The slow recitation of the scriptures, a wandering path through the wisdom instead of a sprint, in order to store the word of God in their hearts and minds.
Scripture Stored in My Heart
Although I’ve been reading the Bible a lot more since 2020, I do not have the scriptures memorized. A few verses here and there from Sunday School and Christian education, but not a backlog of wisdom to pull from in moments when encouragement is needed. I’m disappointed in myself for how little attention I’ve had to studying and memorizing so that it is in my heart. So many other useless things I carry around in my mind like quotes that make me laugh or lyrics to entertain me but, none of these sustain me.
I felt quite convicted by this. I like to put 100% into what I do, for the glory of God. I’m a passionate person. Understanding that in reality, I am not as passionate about learning scripture as I would profess. Because if I was, I would be doing it. Seeing the reflection of who I really am and what my priorities look like, can only be from God, but also was a harsh reality of how much spiritual maturity is still out there waiting to be acquired. If I only give it my full attention. That’s the tough part. It requires discipline, focus, and drive. This world is waiting with bated breath to keep us as distracted and far from God as possible. We have to push back the distractions with our own free will to seek God and seek His will in our lives.
The Start of Something New
Fully convicted and invigorated for change, I opened my Bible to Psalm 119. I asked the Lord to help me only focus on Him and to learn what He would like to teach me through this time with Him. I began to read slowly, line by line. Slowly, line by line, reading, considering, pondering the meaning and significance of each line.
א Aleph Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are those who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart— they do no wrong but follow his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.
Psalm 119:1-8 NIV
The lines hit me differently. In a fashion, I can only describe as meditating on the word with the Lord. Some words jumped off the page, and others carried more weight than they had before. It was a remarkable time of fellowship with God. I’ve now read this first section, at least six times over the course of a week. Each time slowly, with time to ponder how this wisdom applies to my life and the world I exist in. I plan to discuss more of what God has been teaching me as I read through Psalm 119. Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. ❤
It’s funny how the Christian life works, as you grow in your faith and your dependency on God to lead you, life does fall into place because you have the peace of being in the center of God’s will for your life, but life also becomes more complex. Especially when the enemy is determined to knock you down into the pit of discouragement.
The last few weeks have been odd, as I mentioned before in #23 – Neon Shoes & Sichuan Peppercorn, I’ve been feeling a bit off. Mother’s Day reminds me of my miscarriage and the ever-growing complexities in my relationship with my mom. Little waves of sadness lapped at my shore, I can handle that, but the big one, a towering wave of anxious thoughts came from the weird qualifications of renewing my lease. In the past renewing leases has been quite simple, in my previous apartment in Meadville, we simply told them our intention of staying in a note with our rent check and they made us sign a new lease one time, the next we didn’t have a written lease at all.
In our current place, we have renewed once already, and that was a simple process last year. They came, we signed and they asked if we would be interested in buying the place if they sold it. No big deal. This year, there were changes. Communication has been a bit awkward for me with the landlord because of some neighborhood dynamics. Here’s what happened.
Mean Girls Don’t Grow Up
Last summer, a very nosy and gossipy neighbor, who claims to be best friends with our landlords, began letting her dog poop in our vegetable garden. When I tried discussing it she became more and more aggressive. Eventually, when I returned her dog who had wandered into our garage, the neighbor and her 18-year-old daughter screamed at me in front of the whole neighborhood. They told me no one wanted me here, everyone hated me, that my landlords were going to evict me, and basically I should go into my house and never come out again because I was a worthless human being. When I said, “You can’t speak to me like this,” the daughter haughtily confirmed that they can and will bully me and that I should just take it and shut up.
Another neighbor, who lives on the other side literally went to get help when she saw the bullies screaming at me because she thought they were going to hit me. It was so Jersey Shore. In true Mike “The Situation” fashion, when he knocked his own head into a wall, the bullies flailing in anger, escorted themselves back into their house with gnashing of teeth, when I firmly stood my ground by not answering back but not leaving. I just looked at them. The houses are very close here, so needless to say it has been an awkward year living next to people who hate you. We haven’t spoken since.
And so, I’ve been nervous in all interactions with my landlords since, because what if the bullies tainted my reputation with my landlords. What if it was true and they all wanted me gone. It’s dumb, but those insecurities took root in my head. Probably because it has happened before, with my own family. Everyone ganged up on me and essentially kicked me out of my family for standing up to the bullies within the family. What if it was happening again? Anxiety rose up into a building sea. I was a ball of nerves when I asked about renewing the lease, and the wave grew higher when my landlord required a walkthrough to sign the lease. A walkthrough? For what cause? My mind began to question if they didn’t trust us anymore? What if they were looking for a reason to kick us out? The what-ifs grew and grew!
My mind went through preparing for the worst, searching for places, cleaning every nook and cranny, and reading the Bible for hope in the midst of confusion. I asked close friends to pray for God’s direction in this time, of what felt like a testing ground. I knew could simply leave and start a new chapter, that became clear but it didn’t feel like it was what God was leading me towards. I felt as though if I took the easy way out and found a new place, I would be missing out God on teaching me something. I prayed and leaned on Him to unwind those knots in my mind from betrayal and past hurt to believe that even in the midst of uncertainty He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
He also taught me something painful, to forgive the bullies of my own family and my neighbors. I was resistant to this process, to say the least. All year long the grudge grew inside me against my neighbors until their general presence annoyed me. I was full of bitterness that was holding me back from the peace God wanted to give me. I held on to my anger like an idol and I was missing the point. If I had run to a new place, I would have missed the lesson of forgiveness, because when I finally submitted my anger to God and asked him to help me forgive my neighbors the darkness and fear I felt lifted. I even found myself feeling forgiveness for my family members that abandoned me. God provided everything I needed from the perspective to the understanding to be prepared for the walkthrough.
A Lesson from Hezekiah and Sennacherib
He clothed me in his peace and love so that I could walk confidently into the situation. The morning of the walkthrough I opened my Bible for my next reading and I noticed it was a familiar passage. Isaiah 36-37. In this passage, King Sennacherib from Assyria is threatening Jerusalem with destruction. He is essentially a big bully. He taunts not only the Israelites but God himself. Sennacherib tries to bait the people into putting their trust in him, instead of the power of God. In response, Hezekiah prays that God will rebuke the Assyrian king for his ridicule of God.
“Therefore pray for the remnant that still survives.” When King Hezekiah’s officials came to Isaiah,Isaiah said to them, “Tell your master, ‘This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid of what you have heard—those words with which the underlings of the king of Assyria have blasphemed me. Listen! When he hears a certain report, I will make him want to return to his own country, and there I will have him cut down with the sword.’”
Isaiah 37: 4-7
Like the big bully he is, Sennacherib is enraged to hear that Hezekiah will not back down and doubles down on his mockery of Hezekiah’s faith. Sennacherib doubles down on his threats in order to manipulate and intimidate the people of Israel so that they will question their faith in God for Sennacherib’s gain. How often do we see this in life? Politics and news outlets certainly use this tactic to get the people to align with the agenda, but also we do this to each other. And most importantly, in those moments of fear the enemy capitalizes on this strategy. If you don’t listen to the devil the first time, he’ll just yell louder. And that is what I felt as the walkthrough approached. Although I was seeking after God and learning how to forgive, if I lost my focus for a second on God, the enemy started coming for me. So the fact that I read Isaiah 36-37 the morning of the walkthrough was not a coincidence.
“Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it. Then he went up to the temple of the Lord and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayed to the Lord: “Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth. Give ear, Lord, and hear; open your eyes, Lord, and see; listen to all the words Sennacherib has sent to ridicule the living God. “It is true, Lord, that the Assyrian kings have laid waste all these peoples and their lands.They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed them, for they were not gods but only wood and stone, fashioned by human hands. Now, Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that you, Lord, are the only God.”
Isaiah 37:14-20
As the chapter continues, Sennacherib ignores the warnings from God, he is arrogant and full of hatred. His words spit fire and poison. He is used to getting his way and regales the Israelites with a list of his conquests. He claims that he is unable to lose, and claims that He is more powerful than God Almighty. Yeah, this is not going to be good for Sennacherib! But he sounds a lot like the world. He sounds like those structures in our society that claim more power, more authority over us than the Lord himself. They try to diminish the Lord’s power. I’ve even heard the Navy does this in the submarine program. They try to break the sailors who work in the subs, by telling them that under the water they are too far away from God to be in His presence. How sick is that?! Anyways. This is how God responds to human powers and their arrogance:
“Therefore this is what the Lord says concerning the king of Assyria: “He will not enter this city or shoot an arrow here. He will not come before it with shield or build a siege ramp against it. By the way that he came he will return; he will not enter this city,” declares the Lord. “I will defend this city and save it, for my sake and for the sake of David my servant!” Then the angel of the Lord went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning—there were all the dead bodies! So Sennacherib king of Assyria broke camp and withdrew. He returned to Nineveh and stayed there. One day, while he was worshiping in the temple of his god Nisrok, his sons Adrammelek and Sharezer killed him with the sword, and they escaped to the land of Ararat. And Esarhaddon his son succeeded him as king.”
Isaiah 37:33-38
I read this and felt this strange peace wash over me. I knew that it was going to be okay, I can’t explain why. I was still scared, like if I paused to think about the what-ifs of the walk-through – what if during the walkthrough my bully neighbors came outside and began bad-mouthing me? What if the landlords will make me answer for that? What if they gang up on me too? What if my landlords go through my stuff? The fear was still there; unless I focused on God. As I focused on God, I felt the mental clarity to move along with my day and had a very productive day instead of quivering in anxiety. Like Peter stepping out of the boat, as long as I looked at Jesus I could walk on the water, the minute I looked down I began to fall back into worry.
Unexpected Roofers
The time came. The clock showed 4pm. I waited for their car to drive up the street. Nothing. I checked my phone. Nothing. I looked again. They said they were running late – so odd for my normally punctual landlords. They arrived, wearing smiles, with greetings of friendly conversation. Just like I remembered them to be. This is where it gets interesting.
A few months ago tornado producing storms came through the region, damaging their roof. For weeks they waited for roofers to come with nothing to show for it. Except, that the roofers arrived exactly when God planned. Minutes before the landlords left their house to do our walkthrough an unexpected company of roofers arrived at 3:45pm on a Friday to start repairing the roof. The roofers were non-native English speakers, they were not able to converse with our landlords about how this was a bad time and set to work. Therefore our landlords were in a huge rush, they barely wanted to do the walkthrough! How incredible is that?! They stayed less than 10 minutes, I’m not joking. I barely had time to read through the lease, they were so anxious to get back home. The best part – none of my neighbors were home. None, which is unnatural for the time of day.
A peace that surpasses all understanding has washed over the neighborhood. I used to feel like I didn’t belong here like I couldn’t go outside without waiting for another verbal punch. I felt judged and unwanted. I don’t feel that way now. I know that God has provided a place for me. As long as this is where he has called me I shall not fear.
I don’t know how you explain that without God. He took every piece, every what -if and neutralized the fire. He did it his way and in doing so I learned a whole lot about the kind of God he is. I gained forgiveness, peace, and experience in weathering the storms of life. I also learned that bad things, although the pain can stay with us, are not bigger or more powerful than the provision of God. If God is in your corner, you don’t need anyone else to make things happen. You are not beholden to other people’s opinions, condemnation, or approval. How incredible is that?
For lunch, I made a PB&J sandwich. I was in a rush and wanted some quick energy. The sourdough bread, which had been with us for a few days needed to be used, enjoyed. I had been sewing up until my husband took his lunch break at 12:30pm, I didn’t want to cook anything, I just wanted to eat and clear out the fridge, so to speak, of leftovers and such. No big deal.
So I reached for the bread, still pillowy and bouncy with all those lovely fermentation bubbles that make sourdough bread rise. I toasted in and made my sandwich. Which tasted delicious, and normal. And yet, my innocence was about to go bust. Kyle, who was eating leftover pasta, went to the kitchen to find a piece of bread to soak up the sauce in his bowl. The sourdough he reached for and found something that truly ruined my meal – the bottom of the bag was riddled with mold. Something that I am allergic to, not to mention is just so gross.
This is not the first time this happened to me actually, I remember packing a moldy bread sandwich in my lunch in school because I made it when I was half-asleep before school. It’s a rude awakening to realize the thing that once tasted so good to your appetite is not what you thought it was. I thought I was getting energy and some probiotics, instead, I got a little something extra I didn’t want. Something that could make me sick and break out in hives. Appearances can be deceiving, that is why I am reflecting for so long on this mold.
We live in an odd time, with the rise of social media there is a significant rise in transparency in the world. We know more about people we follow than sometimes we would know if we had a normal relationship outside of these social platforms, especially the strangers we look up to like musicians, celebrities, designers, etc. There is also a new kind of anonymity, a facade that curates a public persona for how we want the world to see us. We can post the best moments, the curated things which compound to create a personhood that is foreign to reality, if we so desire. So how do we be authentic? I’m not sure, it’s become such a complicated thing in the digital age.
Before I took a deeper look at the loaf of bread, it seemed so normal and fresh. Without seeing the mold that had spread throughout the loaf in the bag, I would have thought my two pieces of bread were good. But they were still exposed to the environment, the mold would eventually spread to those as well if it already wasn’t there. That got me thinking, about humans. If we consume things, that are negative, full of vitriol, or void of substance and we take those into our hearts, will that eventually affect our goodness, our freshness? Now I know humans are not bread, I don’t mean goodness or freshness in the same way. I’m thinking more about our motives, the way by which we interact with each other. If we consume things that are tainted and no longer nutritious for our souls our inner being takes a hit.
This is true Biblically, where because of the sin that continually tries to creep back into our thoughts and habits, God’s word reminds us to be wary of what we take into our hearts for they can change our beliefs. I think this is true for the effectiveness of our actions in our interpersonal relationships. If we consume or surround ourselves with influences that reflect spite, negativity, and bitterness, I think this will flavor how our love and care for others will be exhibited. It will dilute the potency of our love. Like the mold, diminished the nutritious value of the bread for me.
I don’t want my love for others to be changed by bad influences, like media that encourages hatred, and jealousy, or in TikTok’s case the Kia Boys who like to encourage crime. It’s even as simple as considering the things I subscribe to that populate my feeds. Music too can truly rot the mind from the good things that I want to cultivate like self-control, gentleness, and selflessness. No one wants to be a moldy sandwich for those who depend on you. I encourage you to preserve the good in your heart so that you can make a difference in the spaces you are needed most. I guess what I mean is to keep your character and your values even if it’s not trending. Until we meet again ❤
I woke up this morning and was scrolling Instagram to wake up, I was feeling pretty groggy from a mediocre night’s sleep. Acid reflux got me again! Anyways, I saw a post from the Stray Kids official account with a dark square. I immediately had a sinking feeling. After the tragic loss of Moonbin, I knew that Bang Chan was struggling. I hoped everyone was okay. I scrolled down to see the English caption and found a puzzling series of paragraphs. I like many other Stays found this morning, an apology from Chan for his comments during his most recent live on Youtube, Chan’s Room. To be honest, even though I had seen the clip he was apologizing for, it took me a few minutes to register what he was talking about. That is the reason I am writing this, I think some things on social media are getting out of hand, especially for those of us with a gentle soul like Bang Chan. Since this drama was created by K-pop fans, I think as a K-pop fan I should do my part to counteract all the negativity being thrown around and show some love, Stray Kids fam style.
What do I mean by Stray Kids’ fam style? Well, it’s a bit of a tangent, but if you are not familiar with Stray Kids and their band culture – they are one big supportive family. They love “Stay” the fandom name for Stray Kids enthusiasts. They also love each other, showing up in the joyful moments and the hard ones. For example, when I.N., the youngest member, sang off-key at a K-pop competition called “Kingdom” he was so disappointed in himself that he was overcome with emotion that he cried back at the band’s apartment. When the other members, who were in the living room saw I.N. crying in the kitchen they went to him and enveloped him in a group hug, wanting to know what was wrong and how they could help. They are a really sweet group of guys. They are also quite passionate about their work, being one of the hardest-working bands at JYP Entertainment. Bang Chan who is the leader of the group, along with Han and Changbin write and produce the band’s music. He also hosts a weekly live stream on Youtube called Chan’s Room where he interacts with the fans through live chat.
As a fan, not knowing him personally, he comes across as a very dear person, truly caring for the fans. His responses to questions are so thoughtful. He genuinely does not seem affected by their fame, it is one of the reasons why Stray Kids is so popular. That is why this whole controversy is so bizarre to me. Okay with context established, so a fan on the live asked about an event called Music Bank Paris that happened in April, I believe. There were a lot of bands at the event, and at these events, the bands have some interaction. They at least greet each other and are generally friendly. I mean for them it’s literally a work event, being friendly just seems natural. Chan mentioned that it was frustrating to see some younger bands not greet the older bands, which he claimed he may sound like a “boomer” for admitting. He never mentioned names, he did not call out anyone in particular and he was respectful in how he shared his thoughts.
That’s pretty typical of Chan, he is professional and respectful when he shares his opinions. He is not aggressive in his delivery, this is why I was caught off guard by his apology. I’m not the only one! Most of the comments below the apology expressed confusion and disappointment in the pot-stirring fans who created rumors about who Chan was referring to, creating the drama. The fans also expressed frustration at JYP Entertainment for their role in the apology and called JYP out for not doing a better job at handling this when K-pop idols are pushed to do these live-stream shows by the company. I have to agree, this was all blown out of proportion by social media. Just like a rumor mill in a small town, a few gossipy viewers decided to assume which bands Chan was referring to and ran with those ideas, inventing the entire thing. That’s poor behavior. They are the ones that should be apologizing, in my opinion.
Because Chan is such a sensitive person, he conveyed in the apology how much he was grieved by this situation and never meant to hurt anyone. I love that about him, but I don’t think he hurt anyone. I think the random commenters who decided to figure out the band Chan was referring to did the hurting. And to be honest, respecting your elders in many cultures, especially Korean culture is a big deal. So greeting the older bands at events like Music Bank Paris seems like a no-brainer to me just like being respectful and kind. The fact that none of the drama-crafting fans stopped to consider the cultural side baffles me.
This whole situation points to a deeper problem for me, as a fellow sensitive person, with a few sensitive and gentle friends – why does it seem like the people who are genuinely nice seem to be ripped apart on social media more than the aggressors? Do you know why? Cause I see it all the time. It’s why I don’t have Twitter or TikTok. There is a growing culture of nastiness on these platforms that is trickling into the culture. And it concerns me. Why does our social media society seem to reward rudeness and hearsay? I don’t think we should have to respect the mob mentality that dictates that might is right. Social media clout lacks wisdom and generosity of spirit, which are key ingredients that make communities function in a healthy state. Take a look at what happened to the girls in the viral “Baseball Mean Girls” TikTok video, they were doxxed because the cloud of social media outrage descended into their personal lives, although the girls made it right with the woman they flipped off in the video outside of TikTok, none of this seems to matter to those carrying forth the social media justice. And I digress, my point is that Chan’s apology is a symptom of a bigger problem of the heart we are seeing in the people within our societies, and if we don’t address the heart and start acting in kindness and grace toward others when you think someone has made a mistake, we are in for a lot of strife.
Thank you Chan for being Stray Kids’ best leader! The music you create with 3racha and the rest of Skz has truly made such a positive impact on my life. Even if you make mistakes, this Stay will show you grace and love.
A: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2 NIV
I remember in 2009, this was my school’s theme verse for the year. It was on the bulletin board you saw as you entered the high school building. Being our theme verse it was incorporated into devotionals throughout the school year, lessons, and referenced by my fellow students, but I thought about it more in the context of our annual jog-a-thon. The day the whole school K-12, held a fundraiser at our local college’s track to raise money through lap sponsorship. More miles clocked, more money raised for the next year. Every May, this day was the only day I ever jogged around a track. It was a big push to keep the school going, and I endured for one day. Afterward, I would put set down my perseverance and keep going through life until the next jog-a-thon. It’s funny how I didn’t think it would apply to life.
Because I heard this verse so often in high school, it was an easy one to memorize. I carried it with me into my life without giving it much thought. Suddenly, it came back into view when my Grandma had to live by herself for the first time. My Papa was sick and living full-time at a nursing home. She was alone and was feeling like life had leveled up quick. I remember talking with her and she would quote the verse from high school, Hebrews 12:1-2. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer, and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” She changed my perspective on this verse from being a coffee mug kind of quote to understanding the deeper meaning written in these words from Hebrews.
The Book of Hebrews was a letter written to a Jewish Christian community that was facing persecution and imprisonment because of their association with Jesus and the 12 apostles. They are facing hard times, with no end in sight. They are not simply running a race, it is a metaphor. The audience was feeling discouraged, unsure if they could carry on when the future looked grim and full of suffering. What I learned through my conversations with my Grandma was that she was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by how her life had changed by Papa not being there. We didn’t know if he would recover, or if he would be healthy enough to come home. Everything about her world looked unfamiliar, she was now a sojourner in unknown lands. Her best friend was no longer by her side and this new reality had no end. Like people for whom Hebrews was written, she didn’t know what the future held and she knew the likely options were dark, filled with separation and death.
It was tough to find the words to comfort a friend who is suffering. From this experience, I learned that even Christians don’t always know what to say or how to comfort those who are walking through a season of pain. To my Grandma, the Book of Hebrews became a beacon of hope. A reminder that the desert road is winding towards a destination that is better than where she currently stood. Although she didn’t want to be there, the words of encouragement in Hebrews 12:1-2 reminded her that she wasn’t the first person to experience this kind of pain. As the Messiah, Jesus experienced what it was like to be fully human and fully God. He experienced persecution, loneliness, and separation from His Father on the cross. He knew what it was like to be staring down a timeline moving toward death. Because of that, we can look to His example and dig deep knowing that He will be with us every step of the way.
After both my grandparents passed away, I realized there is even more to this verse. I ignored the section, “surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses” and failed to consider what a great cloud of witnesses meant. At the jog-a-thon, it was a group effort. Parents, older siblings, younger siblings, teachers, etc. They were all around us on the track during the race. Some were waiting in the stands, and some were cheering us on from the water station – we weren’t alone on that track. Alongside myself, my friends were running too. We would motivate each other to keep going. In life, God brings people into our lives to encourage us. Maybe they aren’t the people you long for, like loved ones who have passed on, but they are people who know how to love you. They cheer you on through the ups and downs of life.
With a deeper understanding, Hebrews 12:1-2 has gone from being a school theme verse to a reminder to keep going when life feels impossible. It gives me the hope that life will get better, on those days I have to dig deep because I am not alone. This verse has helped me time and time again re-frame my overwhelming emotions to transform them from obstacles into motivation to keep running the race.
I tried an experiment. This spring, instead of planning out a schedule of sewing projects, I decided to balance my time between my sewing workroom and my other projects by the changing of seasons.
Now, as a type B person, I’m a bit of a procrastinator. My creative nature doesn’t lead to a rigid structure, even though I wish sometimes it did so I could be an organized maker. But I have the personality that I have, and that is okay. I can still be productive even with a procrastinating nature. That’s what I did this spring. At times it felt like pushing off work that I needed to do, but really I learned that living seasonally means there are rhythms to the process at hand.
What made this plan interesting to me was the unknown. I didn’t know how the schedule for making items would come together. I didn’t know if the weather would dictate more lightweight tops first or lead me into shorts. It was purely figured out by what item in my wardrobe I thought I would need next.
Sewing Schedule
As I mentioned before in Sewing When I Lost My For It I decluttered the warm weather clothing that no longer fit me, was worn out or simply was not working anymore. So I was going into the new season with nothing but my workout shorts and shirts. I wanted to challenge myself to find my style by brainstorming on Pinterest and planning items that I actually want to wear.
For this summer wardrobe, I knew I wanted a few basics, statement tops, flowy skirts, comfortable but cute shorts, and a dress if I found a style that I liked. I wanted to design clothes differently than I had in the spring and summer of 2022. Last year I focused on reading patterns, and trying out new types of garments like blouses and pants. My guiding force was found in tutorials and patterns instead of my own style sensibilities. This produced items that were average, not my style but not unwearable. Not exciting though.
I didn’t want to make the same mistake and so from fabric shopping onward, I decided on a motif. I chose a color palette of greens, black, brown, and blue and decided on a closet of shorts, a few skirts, t-shirts, and sleeveless blouses to mix and match. Everything with easiness, like the athletic shorts I used to wear to work for the paint crew. My design philosophy was decided – movement with effortless style, able to style with sneakers.
In total, I’ve created 8 pairs of shorts, 11 tops, one skirt, and two dresses. I made these items off and on since the end of February, so around two and a half months of work. I planned my sewing days based on the forecast for the upcoming week. Spring came early and so I began March making at least three pieces a week. If the weather cooled down I would stop sewing and switch to other projects. If a warm spell came through I pushed to make four or five items to be ready to wear on the incoming 80-degree days. Back and forth like tides of the ocean. Sometimes I barely sewed at all, and other weeks I did nothing else but run my machine.
The Results
What did I learn from this experience?
Planning out your fabric choices and the color palette is a fantastic use of time. This keeps you on track with creating pieces that not only go together but will pair well with the items in your closet. In fact, reviewing my current wardrobe before I purchased fabric kept me focused while browsing so that I bought the fabric I would actually wear instead of fabric that looked cool on the bolt.
Seasonality does not produce balance. Although it was fun to create by the weather and made me more in tune with the changing of the seasons, it did not provide a healthy balance work-life balance. During those sewing benders, I made a lot of things to be ready for the warm temperatures but it also hurt my neck, back, and shoulders to use my machine for 8 hours a day, day after day. Sewing is truly hard work.
I have a greater appreciation for the people who make clothing. Not the designers, the underpaid workers who sew for these brands we buy from. Sewing is hard on the eyes and the upper body, it requires attention to detail. Without the men and women who make our clothes, we would be lost. I have a greater appreciation for those who cut out the fabric, threaded the machines, sewed the armholes, hemmed the pants, and put so much care into items that we so easily take for granted in America.
Will I Do This Again?
I think I will do an adapted version. I like the seasonality of the project and how it allowed me to see the changing season in the same way gardening has. It makes you appreciate the passing of time. That being said, I need more balance. If anything this system showed my type B personality, that type A personalities have a point when it comes to organization. I would prefer an actual schedule, that I could use to keep myself accountable. Not to keep myself from procrastinating, but to keep me on track with stretching, water breaks, and workouts. I neglected a healthy pattern of rest and exercise which made my mind feel cluttered and my shoulders quite stiff.
So, next time you are getting dressed, look at the careful stitches of the garment. Note the complexity that is garment construction. Look at the label and see where it was assembled. Take a moment to appreciate whoever made your clothes and be grateful that someone took the time to pattern and sew your wardrobe so that you could get dressed today.
One Rabbit Riot 