I think running my sewing machine is one of my most contemplative times. Maybe it’s the melodic sound of the needle and bobbin working in step? As the seam flows like a fabric river through the machine, the world drifts slowly away.
I am transported to the place of thoughts, memories, dreams. I am observing, thinking, existing.
Yesterday I was sewing a dark, espresso brown fabric. Chocolatey you could call it. Under the machine the side seam went, I watched the pattern disappear from one end to the other, and I was overcome by this familiar sensation. A taste foreign to my lips, yet a familiar friend – tootsie roll pops.
A chocolate tootsie roll pop. Now, I haven’t had one of those since, high school? Probably high school. The grape and raspberry ones were my flavor of choice, which were a hot ticket item for my cousins too. I remember eating a lot of the chocolate and cherry ones because they were the ones left over after my cousins came for the day. But before they went home, my grandparents would let us pick out a tootsie roll pop.
It’s amazing how memory, is so attached to taste, smell. Yet sometimes it doesn’t even need the taste or the smell. Yesterday the birds were chirping, it was a clear sunny spring afternoon. My husband was listening to a Braves vs Red Sox Spring Training game. The sounds of the baseball. I loved played baseball with my cousins. It was about 2:30, the time we used to drop them off at home, with a tootsie roll pop.
All because that fabric looked so chocolatey? I don’t know, memory is such a fickle thing but I am sure glad it pops in on those random moments and reminds us of those small delights from childhood.
What is a small delight from your childhood that you wish you could taste right now?
As a kid, I used to sketch clothing. My friends and I imagined our own fashion brands and collected these sketches into booklets, like homemade catalogs dreaming of our Delia’s. We were obsessed with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Sister Sister, Lizzie McGuire, Totally Spies, Destiny’s Child coordinated outfits, The Cheetah Girls, etc. If it had a fashion twist, we were lining up to consume it. We excitedly watched What Not To Wear, America’s Next Top Model, and Project Runway, hoping one day that we would be a fashion force to reckon with. I gravitated to the design side while my friends were more interested in modeling, stylist, and it-girl/influencer ideal. To be honest, I think that girl of 11 would not believe the garment that would solidify my feeling of a true designer would be a set of loungewear instead of an avant-garde gown.
My sewing plan for 2022 had been simple, make, make, and make some more. I scoured Joann’s clearance bins and drooled over Mood’s selection of prints itching to make something of a higher caliber than my previous tries. I had drafted my own coat, tried some vintage patterns, and successfully made lounge pants for my husband yet had struggled with fitting my own pants. I had dabbled in tops but didn’t understand shoulder seams or hoods. I was still quite green! But I needed some new pajamas and thought hey, let’s do this. So I dug out of my fabric stash this cheerful blue gingham in soft cotton shirting. It felt like being wrapped in a hug with a little drape. I was feeling cocky after sewing two vintage patterned dresses earlier in 2022 and thought, how hard could it be to make myself some pants. I figured out that 1940s pattern, I got this. And actually, it turned out to be one of my favorite early pieces!
This set was made of a pair of high-waisted drawstring pants with oversized balloon-style pants that tapered into a cuffed ankle. The matching crop top featured a generous hood and long sleeves with a boxy fit that just felt so relaxed and cool. With the hood up I felt like Princess Leia in her original white dress. The geometric pattern and unusual silhouette gave me the confidence to seek out my own style with sewing, not just be a vintage hobbity cottage-core girl that was so popular around this time. This helped me to remember to be playful with my designs and inspire the little girl who sketched clothes while she was supposed to be taking notes in class. It reminded me of the Cheetah Girls matching track-suits and avant-garde silhouettes I craved from street style.
What made this feel full circle was not just how good I felt in the garment, but the doors it opened up. My cousin’s daughter fell in love with the piece and wanted me to make her one. That was the first time I had made something that people wanted to buy. It felt incredible! But also taught me that the vision of what I dreamed of becoming, was not that far off from those designs I sketched as a kid. They weren’t show-pieces for a runway, they were real-life clothing that was playful and useful for living life in. I realized I do have a place in the fashion space even if I’m not in a fashion capital, running a brand. The world right now doesn’t need more ballgowns or high fashion editorial pieces, it needs functional clothing made locally and created with love for the people we love. I could be a fashion designer who could make humble pieces a little more special. That’s where Potato Technology became a tangible idea instead of a pipe dream.
When I began drawing close to the Lord and leaning on Him, I knew it would be a journey of hills and valleys. The highs have been transformative, and life-giving. I did not expect how much spiritual warfare would affect my day-to-day life! This battle feels endless some days.
I’m not sure if it was naivety or purely immaturity but growing up I thought only “important” people experienced this like heroes of faith in the Bible or spiritual leaders in the modern day, I missed the point that just like the Bible was created for everyone, the stumbling blocks that try to steal our peace affect everyone. Looking at it objectively it makes sense if spiritual warfare literally fights against us growing the Kingdom of God, and we as believers are all members of it, it would affect us all. Sometimes I feel like the church in North America doesn’t address this enough. We get bogged down in the good things, the prosperity, and an inflated sense that things will go right in our lives because “God is on our side, who can be against us” you know the message. It wasn’t until I dug deeper into conversations with my fellow sisters in Christ that I realized no, this is not the case, we are all in a constant battle against discouragement.
One of my friends has lived outside North America most of her life where she experienced a much different kind of spiritual warfare in places where the air felt heavy with darkness. The battle was evident and was at the forefront of their minds and it grew perseverance, most importantly awareness that it is happening! Even though it is invisible to the eye, we need to be awake and alive in Christ. Not complacent. She brought to my attention the importance of prayer – praying over your house, praying over your co-workers, your relationships, etc. We need that lifeline to the Lord to fight the battle for us. I heard so often at school and at home – put on the full armor of God! To not face down scary things without first stopping to put on the full armor of God. But what does this mean? I was so puzzled by this.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)
My grandparents recited this scripture to me when I was feeling discouraged or scared of things, I would listen and yet didn’t get what they were telling me. To be honest, I’m not sure I understood the importance of armor until watching Star Wars. In my mind, the armor seemed like a great way to carry a weight on me and be weighed down by the protection, which is funny because I must have thought a lot of my own strength because my approach sounds like I believe I am so powerful I could go into battle like a Jedi. I am not a Jedi, I’m a battle droid. “Roger. Roger. Stand down- oh no I’m *crash, bang, splat*. ” I love those guys, but they are not capable.
Mando is capable, and so are Boba and Jango Fett. They have weapons, helmets, spaceships, and even jet packs to get them out of trouble. Most importantly they know how to use all the resources in front of them and have practiced their use so that they know how to fight against any enemy. Yet, Mando and Boba Fett are not the same capable warriors without their armor, just like we are not capable nor prepared for the ongoing battle if we do not seek God’s armor. Still, what does the spiritual armor look like in practice?
In my experience, I feel the armor of God on me when I prepare with a few key things. I am well-versed in God’s promises. I don’t even need a song to remind me of what I already know and when I feel challenged by the enemy the promise immediately comes to mind that defeats whatever lies the enemy is trying to sell. I am spending consistent time in God’s word so that I am familiar with how this story ends, the enemy is already defeated and when I forget that, that is when he has power. But when I remember and hold fast to the fact that Jesus died and rose again so that death was defeated and my sins were forgiven, I cannot be bullied by the shame of my past mistakes and cannot be convinced that God does not care. He does care about us, more than anyone on earth possibly can because He is God and no one else is more powerful than Him. I am also well-steeped in worship music so much so that it is the soundtrack of my day. With hope filling my ears, and promises in my heart I am almost there. I am abiding in the Spirit who is guiding my heart and mind from dwelling on things that are not honoring to God, I am working to combat my sinful nature to reflect God’s character in the world instead of my own. I am spending time in prayer consulting God and not the world. I am also confiding my struggles with fellow believers, true friends who can encourage me and pray for me when I am struggling.
Most importantly, I remember that under the helmet there is just a human being underneath the armor. Just like Mando, is just a man. That I am not my own strength, God is. Because I cannot do things on my own, I must remain humble and dependent on God.
How did I find K-pop? Simple. It found me. And I am so glad it did!
Last January, I needed a change so we bought an exercise bike. I hoped it would help me get through the cabin fever of winter that dragged me into a mood of malaise and would get me to finally shape up. My twenties had been so rough on my metabolism and the person I saw in the mirror was not what I wanted to see. I saw this girl was worn down by the stress of the last six years, wound up with tension in her muscles, and angry by how these emotions seemed bottled with no release. I needed to move my body like I used to in college. You know when you can see you are unhappy with your posture? It was like my body was afraid to stand up straight in case I got knocked down. It’s a weird place to be because the only way to make it better is to work on it, but when life pulls you away from healthy habits you lose those familiar patterns and get lost.
In need of a dose of joyful movement and a good burn, I did a quick search for a fun workout on Youtube. I found this channel called Emi Wong and thought, sure I’ll give this Blackpink workout a try. I had heard Kill This Love before and knew how hyped up the music is, plus it was a 4-minute workout – no big deal. Oh my, this was euphoric. The music, the quick pace. I was sold on this whole “working out” thing everyone in the world seems jazzed about. This led me down a pretty pumped rabbit trail of Fancy by Twice and Dynamite by BTS. These workouts were so joyful! I hadn’t heard music like this before. It gave me “The Feels” pun intended, for the y2k groups my friends and I would learn the choreography for when we were in elementary school. I was so happy and needed to live in this bubble so I gave riding the bike a try while listening to the music videos.
Then my mind was blown. I saw Fruits Magazine, Totally Spies, and dream fashion combos on the K-pop idols, both men and women! It was pretty much love at first site. As I obsessed over the fashion I rode the bike with an inspired commitment I hadn’t seen of myself before. The tempo pushed me further and further until it was a highlight of my routine. A year later, I love working out. I’ve moved beyond the K-pop 4-minute workouts to Emi Wong’s longer videos, I love how much stronger and healthier I feel from my muscles to my mind. Now I listen to K-pop pretty much every day, if I’m not listening to worship music it’s K-pop. The music has inspired both my own style combos and what I dream of sewing and the bands give me such energy while I’m sewing or writing, like right now I’m listening to Stray Kids.
So what’s my point other than sharing something that is dear to my heart? Exercise is not universal, and the approach that most people take might be why it seems overwhelming. Like, if I have to go to a gym, I’m not going to do it. I don’t want the expense, the commute to the location, or having to work out in front of others. I’m a pretty shy person and I’d rather move my body in the privacy of my own home. It has helped me get into my own rhythm and regime according to my goals not what a trainer is pushing me into. I’m not surprised that my hook into working out was somehow a fashion lure. It’s what I’m interested in. I hope you can find what inspires you so we can all get some healthy movement in today. But don’t be concerned I’m not a 5-am routine kind of girl, and I’m not going to ever do the “lifestyle inspiration” thing. This is just my unexpected love story with exercise and K-pop.
After my first sewing project, I knew exactly what I wanted to make – the garment I had watched every historical sewing Youtuber make on my marathon consuming of sewing content during 2020 – the Victorian, super swishy, walking skirt. The flowing bell of fabric elegant drapes off the hip gathers at the back, and elegantly transports the wearer into a world that is not panicking. Really the only thing I wanted in September 2020, after the second family member died and my wonderful kindred spirit, my grandma, was checking out, I also wanted an escape.
For this project, my husband found a local fabric store that turned out to be a Mennonite sewing shop run by the sweetest Mennonite couple I’ve ever met. I outfitted my sewing kit with odds and ends from her notions and bought a few yards of a green, simple polyester blend fabric that Amish and Mennonite women use to make clothes. She gave me a few tips about hand sewing and gave me a proud smile for choosing such a noble task of sewing. I felt accepted for being a stay-at-home wife for the first time since I was laid off. At the time, not a lot of people understood what I was doing with my life, to be honest, I didn’t either. I knew I was grieving the loss of my grandpa, my career, and a miscarriage, muddling through a pregnancy scare that I was not ready for and hoping sewing this skirt would make me feel like a real historical sewist so that anything would make sense again.
That summer I discovered Bernadette Banner, Karolina Zebrowska, and Rachel Maksy’s channels on Youtube and fell deep down that rabbit hole. They made sewing look possible and exciting, a way to bring the past to life with fabric and humor. Bernadette’s channel helped me see that I could start even with a needle and thread, her tutorials are so crisp and informative. With that confidence, I followed a few different videos for inspiration, including a Rachel Maksy video where I carefully mimicked the shape of the pattern she used to drape the skirt. I followed Bernadette’s tips for finishing and gathering the skirt for that perfect Victorian shape. It gave me so much confidence! I even put in a zipper, which was uncharted territory for me, and a vintage button on the closure.
I took this picture the day I wore this skirt to her shop to show my Mennonite friend my finished product, and she was so proud like the mom I needed during this awful year. She could not believe how well my construction turned out. I remember I felt respected by a peer for the first time in years doing work I actually was passionate about. I felt like me again, the girl who had confidence, passion, and drive. I had been beaten down by conniving coworkers at my corporate job and stabbed in the back by family members, I wanted to be wanted and loved by the world I was living in, but had felt like my life was disintegrating until I found sewing. This will always be one of my favorite projects to date because it helped me find my way when I didn’t know how to move forward. Thank you, sewing friend, for being so kind to me when a lot of people weren’t and accepting me even as an outsider to your community. I will always treasure your friendship.
Potato Technology is my brand, my design studio. As I became a more experienced sewist and designer I realized I wasn’t happy just making things. I wanted a brand I could work towards, a cohesive vision to find my voice in fashion. So I followed my dream. Here’s a taste of what I plan to share with you on this platform!
As I think back on drafting my first garment, my first reaction is I probably should have bought a pattern. That being said this is how I dove into my favorite hobby, the world of sewing!
Currently, I’ve been sewing my own clothes for 2 years and 8 months. It’s been a wild ride of exciting transformations from fabric to form, absolute failure where I chuck the garment, and moments of great frustration that have tested my mental fortitude. Fashion is not for sissies, as Tim Gunn once said, and I wholeheartedly agree! So, how did I start the process? Kind of on a whim to be honest.
It was the end of summer and autumn was making its way into our world even though it was late August 2020. We were all coming out of the lockdown world to that long-awaited green status. It was a time of excitement. Small pieces of normalcy were taking root and calm returned to life. My husband and I had used all the endless downtime of the lockdown to get crafty! We dove in and made cards, jewelry, furniture, scarves, home decor, and a lot of bread! It was a blast and also a bit of a weird blur. I sometimes feel nostalgic for that weird time for how much resilience that impossible situation taught me. I probably wouldn’t have begun sewing without those months of training my creativity.
He asked me if I thought I could draft a woodworking apron.
I remember being nervous about trying this new artistic medium, even more so about purchasing the materials because I was laid off and financial security seemed up in the air. Every decision felt momentous because of how much change we were all reeling from. I was concerned about wasting money on a failed project. What if I fail? What if I make a mistake and I wasted this precious resource. What if was a theme phrase of 2020. I think we were all living in a state of fight or flight. I one know thing I did not feel confident! I was more excited and nervous.
Because of the low-contact world, we were living in, I believe I made a Joann’s pick-up order. There was no grand fabric shopping moment, I bought without feeling the weight of the fabric. I didn’t look to see how wide it would be or how much I would need with a project estimator. I bought brown canvas, two yards, and three yards of purple stretch velvet. Unbeknownst to me these are two of the most challenging fabrics to start with! Good choice, Magz, good choice!
The canvas was surprisingly easy to cut. I bought tailor’s chalk to trace out a design based on measurements and sketched out the entire garment in pieces on the fabric. Being a sturdy fabric the canvas held the drape, responded well to my stitches, and with the understanding of stronger sewing techniques, such as finishing my seams, this piece would have held up. Unfortunately, I did not and the first wash frayed the poor apron to bits. It was tragic.
On the other hand, my purple dress was a disaster in the context of silhouette and seam puckering. The bubbling sleeves, uneven neckline, and crinkly hem were not good. But, it stayed together remarkably well, and with a pattern to properly shape the garment, it had the potential to be a dress that became a wardrobe staple for me. The problem I ran into, was the tailor’s chalk disappeared with every stroke, but truly it was being a greenhorn. I scrapped my entire drafting plan and decided to wing it. The result shows how free-form this dress was. I half-draped-half pattern pieced this dress into life. Let’s focus on the positives though – it’s a dress. Not a blob. A real-life, genuine dress! I was so proud.
Looking back on it with a lot more experience, all of these decisions seem incredibly reckless but at the time I’m grateful I just dove in head first. I seem to make the most progress that way. That is what life is about. So if there is something you want to do, do it. Even if you make the wrong choices in hindsight, I learned about fabrics, construction, and how to pattern cut on the fly. It was pretty exciting! The projects turned out fairly well for not using a pattern too, so believe in yourself! Most importantly, remain teachable. My grandma always reminded me to keep a teachable spirit with all my endeavors, and you know what? She was right.
I think the hardest part of the grieving process for me has been settling into life without the ones I love. I knew that it would feel strange continuing life without my grandparents because they were my real parents and that is a big space to fill once those nurturing figures are no longer here to support you. I think about them often. Like today, when the sun shines brightly through my window with a strength that warms my skin as I sit at my sewing table. The warmth of love is one of those tangible things that death strips of this world.
It’s not all bad, the warmth of the sunshine reminds me of those core memories. Moments I may not recall without the prompt of warmth and light, like sitting upstairs in the loft where the big windows of their living room washed the house in beaming brightness. On days like this grandma would hang the laundry outside on two long rows. From my swingset, I saw the sheets dance in the billowing breeze of a warm summer day. But if I hold on to the feeling of the sun on my skin, my mind walks deeper into the library of memories zig-zagging my brain, and selects a deeper track.
Summer morning. Sunshine. Walking around the park, me riding a bike flanked by my cousins while my grandparents discussed the history, the beauty of the sights, the sounds of the birds. Warm. Cozy. Sitting in the loft on a wintery sunny day after baking 10 tea-ring pastries (a big ring of cinnamon rolls that remain uncut to resemble a wreath) with my grandparents sitting beside me on the couch. We share a round of Hershey nuggets most likely for our hard work. Especially Papa who watched us bake from the counter, sitting on a high stool, there for the conversation and the atmosphere.
In the small moments of my day, three years later, I still think of them and I wonder if that will ever change. It no longer makes me tear up, which I like. I don’t enjoy crying. The missing is here to stay. It’s like the longing we feel for heaven and closeness with our Savior. The world is missing something, but the reminders of unconditional love evoked by the warmth of sunlight on my skin pulls me out of whatever task I am working on for a quiet moment of reflection. I reflect on the blessings I have experienced from the love I received here on earth and rejoice that it is not the end. I remember that I am not alone, because the Spirit lives in me and is filling me with love from my Creator.
“But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love.”
Hello! Thank you reader for taking the time to check out my little corner of the internet. My name is Magz and I have a lot of hobbies. Some might say too many, but I prefer having things to keep busy.
Since my rocky post-grad start at building a career, I have learned to seek out skills and personal development to become a well-rounded person in times when I felt like I didn’t have a purpose. This began in 2016 when I created a blog called Muirin Project to fill the creativity void. From there I wrote an entire novel called Udal Cuain and spent time soaking up as much quality time with my grandparents before they both passed away in 2020. Along the way, I found a job that helped me understand how to manage an app and taught me that burnout at a dead-end job would not be my future.
During the lockdown, I was laid off, buried my grandpa, and threw my empty heart into creating. I made paper beads, hand-stamped greeting cards, starting knitting again, all while escaping into fashion history/sewing on Youtube. In the fall, I bought my first sewing kit which changed everything. At this high, was an incredible loss with my mentor and kindred spirit, my grandma, passing away too. I took the next two years to be a sewing apprentice for myself, cataloging my sewing journey on Instagram, which culminated in my first real collection being completed at the end of 2022 for my brand, Potato Technology.
In 2023, I have slowed down to dwell on what is next. My plan was to open a shop in 2023, but as this year unfolds, I don’t have the same peace about this being my next challenge. I have felt discouragement and confusion about the purpose of my skills will be. In the meantime, I have been learning Japanese and asking God to direct my path and show me what is next in my life. The answer that surprised me was “You should write again.”
This blog will be a little of this and a little of that, just like the way my life has taken shape. You will find blog posts, fictional stories, and my sewing journey featured just as it is on Instagram. I look forward to seeing where this little website takes us together.
If you would like to tip me for my work, you can do so at Ko-fi.
One Rabbit Riot 