Some say she doesn’t use patterns. And that she’s never heard of a measuring spoon. But we all know is she’s called a maniac.
I’ve always aspired to the words of Miss Frizzle, that in life it’s time to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy. That is my creative approach whether with thread, paint, or in the kitchen. It is my ethos. I am not organized, but I have flair! I enjoy a good adventure in learning, even if that takes me to a destination unexpected. It was the journey that mattered most. That is why my creative personality has gravitated toward hands-on jobs – campus mail carrier, paint crew, library assistant, switchboard operator, or Appalachian culture site manager. The list goes on and on. There was more freedom to be me, and less pressure to conform.
I do not translate to an office job. Although I tried my hardest to be what they wanted me to be. I stuck it out for 3.5 years in a corporate marketing department, my creative style was highly reigned in. I made my deadlines and was as focused as possible, but it just wasn’t a good fit. Not like cooking, baking, sewing, knitting, writing, painting – making things is such a joy. I think because the process is messy. It is a flurry of creation. And that suites me.
I’ve learned that choosing not to follow the exact directions and recipes for creativity’s sake, can seem odd to a type-A, organized person. This has been particularly evident in marriage as Kyle and I can be complete opposites sometimes. But it works because teamwork has ebbs and flows. In time, our differences have become endearing to one another. I think that one of the coolest think the most extraordinary thing about relationships is that you grow to appreciate each other, including your differences.
In my maniac fashion, I’ve discovered new recipes I’d not tried without experimenting. I’ve also learned how march to the beat of my own drum, even if that is weird for people. I’ve also accepted the fact, that even when I am trying so hard to be precise, my creative nature and clumsiness will inevitably take over and that’s okay. I can make messes without feeling like a failure. I don’t have to compare myself to the Pinterest-worthy images that wallpapers the internet into an aesthetic monotony. Sometimes a little spice of imperfection is good for the creative soul. And thanks to Stray Kids’ Oddinary comeback, I have an anthem!
A little disclaimer: this post is written in good fun. As an Top Gear fan, the word maniac is beloved (and a term of endearment between Kyle and me). It’s not being used offensively. Please don’t take this out of context. Thanks ♥️
One of my biggest fears was realized when death came knocking and was forced to live apart from my grandpa. He was such a big part of my life growing up, filling both the role of grandfather and dad when I was young.
In 1st grade, fresh from retirement from his role as an athletic director, he suited up he said for his most important job yet – picking me up from school. Every day he lined up his truck in the parking lot with coffee and newspaper in hand, chuckling to himself that he was the only “old guy” there in a sea of minivans and stay-at-home moms.
I got used to his presence, whether it was the car rides home from school with a serenade of his music, usually The Brothers Four, or another singing group he liked in college. Sometimes it was Willie Nelson, Vince Gill, could be Alabama. If there was a quartet performance coming up, he would practice his part as the high tenor of The King’s Men gospel quartet. After school, he might teach me how to hit a baseball properly or we would wash the car. When I got a pet rabbit in 3rd grade, Papa was by my side caring for the rabbit like it was his own. He built me a swingset and went to every chorus content, home volleyball game, art show, open house, jog-a-thon, etc.
As I grew older, and my mom bought her own house, our relationship had to change because instead of seeing him at the breakfast table and after school, I had to be intentional. I talked to him and Grandma after school on the phone. I’d visit them on the weekends and on breaks from school, I always knew I was welcome to be there. On Saturday mornings, we made a standing date to get breakfast at a local diner. We had a special order, he would order eggs, bacon, and toast with an extra plate. I ordered the pancakes and we’d split the lot. He taught me how to ride a bike, so why wouldn’t I look to him to teach me how to drive? It just made sense. Moving into college we had pizza lunch dates, where we’d discuss my classes and his current readings. In the fall, he was my football game buddy.
It was his opinion I cared the most about, from what career choice I made to the boy I started dating, and was getting pretty fond of junior year. When that boy asked me to marry him, Kyle became part of our little circle. I knew time existed, and the limitations of age and health would get us eventually, but when death came to take Papa away, I realized how scary it was to think of carrying on without him. It felt impossible. Unnatural.
Today is the third anniversary and I’m relieved that I feel okay, as weird as it is to be okay. I didn’t think I could find this place of being okay. Overcoming my fear took practice. When death happens you don’t really get a chance to prepare. The moment it happens there is no going back and it’s weird.
Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.
Habakkuk 3:17-19 ESV
What helped me get through this fear the most was the support to keep walking forward, my support came from the Lord and my wonderful friends (and best friend, Kyle). I had to believe that God’s promises were good. Like the words of Tauren Wells’ song “God’s Not Done” I had to trust that there was more for me coming than the dead end, I felt stuck in. Fear is a liar, as Zach Williams writes, and pushing the fear back into its place was what ultimately helped me. But this journey has been three years of hard work and there are still moments where I feel like I’ve made zero progress. That’s when I remember Habakkuk 3:17-19 and Lamentations 3:22-24. It’s a tough road, but I am learning to feel the emotions instead of being afraid of them.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
The sweetest package arrived early Thursday morning! I saw pure bliss for my tired and angry eyes – new glasses with fresh blue light blockers. My eyes were fried. Had been frying for weeks without me noticing. It happened slowly, building, draining, and then bam my eyes let me know, yes indeed, it was time to get new lenses. If not I think they would have gone on strike. Those headaches are such a nuisance. The aching of tired muscles around my eyes, and how heavy my blue frames, were the perfect combo for a week of migraine woes. But alas, it’s in the past and I am thrilled. For a few reasons! The new spectacles are super light. They are a fun style I wanted to try out after seeing Changbin wear this look for a stage performance, and I got the cutest dust cloth of a bun wearing glasses and a tie.
With the eye fry though, getting worse with time on my computer or phone, I took last week to give my eyes a break from screens until the new frames came. And it turned into a tremendous creative recharge time. I knocked out my open sewing projects, finishing my backlog of stretch-knit fabric items floating on their own island of procrastination. This was a problem because I had real projects for friends to work on and their procrastination island was taking up valuable real estate on my worktable. So it was time, and without the prompt of my lens wearing it may have been another month before I finished the stretch knit pieces. It was a good thing. I also used the time to sketch out potential maps for a novel idea I have. Well, two novel ideas, actually. I developed two plots and worlds, flushed out in my notebook with the settings, names, and timelines of the plot I want to write. Once I decide on which project I should move forward on, I’m excited to share it with you.
I’ve noticed taking a break, even just for several days in a row of not writing, my brain feels rusty and I feel clunky with my words. This skill of writing is so much more like a discipline of exercise than an art form sometimes.
To recharge my mind, and get those creative writing juices flowing hopefully better than before, I realized I should get back into reading to be immersed in fiction in order to learn from others what it takes to write a good original story. Someone I admire, without finishing the book yet, is the work of Judy I. Lin. I started her novel, A Magic Steeped in Poison back in September 2022. With my Autumn/Winter Collection sewing schedule I put it aside to keep my deadlines – it seriously pulled me in and plan to write a bigger appreciation post for her work. I jumped back into the story this weekend and dang – being fully immersed in a fantastical story with such layered culture and characters – it is just pure joy. I forgot how wonderful reading can be. With the final act of the book before me, I hunger for more of the story. I can’t wait to jump back in this week and carry onward into the sequel of the Book of Tea Series – A Venom Dark and Sweet.
The cherry on top of this weekend though was the S-Class M/V from Stray Kids along with 9 new songs! I absolutely adore the 5-Star comeback, from the style choices to the music. It really showed their range. The bonus content of the band reacting to the S-Class music video and unboxing their album together was the wholesome coziness I needed before today. Seriously, if I.N. is smiling, how can anyone frown? I needed that going into today, especially. It’s a day I remember a lot of pain and loss, but although how small it may be, the joy of a favorite band releasing a new album with their unique charm has been a wonderful distraction from the gloom that usually takes hold on this day.
As we begin this new week, I wish you love and hope that it is a good one for you.
For lunch, I made a PB&J sandwich. I was in a rush and wanted some quick energy. The sourdough bread, which had been with us for a few days needed to be used, enjoyed. I had been sewing up until my husband took his lunch break at 12:30pm, I didn’t want to cook anything, I just wanted to eat and clear out the fridge, so to speak, of leftovers and such. No big deal.
So I reached for the bread, still pillowy and bouncy with all those lovely fermentation bubbles that make sourdough bread rise. I toasted in and made my sandwich. Which tasted delicious, and normal. And yet, my innocence was about to go bust. Kyle, who was eating leftover pasta, went to the kitchen to find a piece of bread to soak up the sauce in his bowl. The sourdough he reached for and found something that truly ruined my meal – the bottom of the bag was riddled with mold. Something that I am allergic to, not to mention is just so gross.
This is not the first time this happened to me actually, I remember packing a moldy bread sandwich in my lunch in school because I made it when I was half-asleep before school. It’s a rude awakening to realize the thing that once tasted so good to your appetite is not what you thought it was. I thought I was getting energy and some probiotics, instead, I got a little something extra I didn’t want. Something that could make me sick and break out in hives. Appearances can be deceiving, that is why I am reflecting for so long on this mold.
We live in an odd time, with the rise of social media there is a significant rise in transparency in the world. We know more about people we follow than sometimes we would know if we had a normal relationship outside of these social platforms, especially the strangers we look up to like musicians, celebrities, designers, etc. There is also a new kind of anonymity, a facade that curates a public persona for how we want the world to see us. We can post the best moments, the curated things which compound to create a personhood that is foreign to reality, if we so desire. So how do we be authentic? I’m not sure, it’s become such a complicated thing in the digital age.
Before I took a deeper look at the loaf of bread, it seemed so normal and fresh. Without seeing the mold that had spread throughout the loaf in the bag, I would have thought my two pieces of bread were good. But they were still exposed to the environment, the mold would eventually spread to those as well if it already wasn’t there. That got me thinking, about humans. If we consume things, that are negative, full of vitriol, or void of substance and we take those into our hearts, will that eventually affect our goodness, our freshness? Now I know humans are not bread, I don’t mean goodness or freshness in the same way. I’m thinking more about our motives, the way by which we interact with each other. If we consume things that are tainted and no longer nutritious for our souls our inner being takes a hit.
This is true Biblically, where because of the sin that continually tries to creep back into our thoughts and habits, God’s word reminds us to be wary of what we take into our hearts for they can change our beliefs. I think this is true for the effectiveness of our actions in our interpersonal relationships. If we consume or surround ourselves with influences that reflect spite, negativity, and bitterness, I think this will flavor how our love and care for others will be exhibited. It will dilute the potency of our love. Like the mold, diminished the nutritious value of the bread for me.
I don’t want my love for others to be changed by bad influences, like media that encourages hatred, and jealousy, or in TikTok’s case the Kia Boys who like to encourage crime. It’s even as simple as considering the things I subscribe to that populate my feeds. Music too can truly rot the mind from the good things that I want to cultivate like self-control, gentleness, and selflessness. No one wants to be a moldy sandwich for those who depend on you. I encourage you to preserve the good in your heart so that you can make a difference in the spaces you are needed most. I guess what I mean is to keep your character and your values even if it’s not trending. Until we meet again ❤
After a tense Thursday-Friday which I’ll go into in another post, Friday night felt like a breath of fresh air to my mind. The pressure was gone like all the weight on my shoulders melted away. To celebrate, my husband and I decided it was time to return to our favorite restaurant, Golden Dragon, which in our little town, no joke, has awarding winning Chinese cuisine. His food is legit.
Since we have been watching Strictly Dumpling at lunch and Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations in the evenings, we’ve been hungry for some spice, something new, something mouth-wateringly delicious. We mixed up our usual order. Kyle decided on Moo Shu Pork and I chose the long-awaited Mala – I chose Sichuan Chicken. It was good, just as addictive as they say! I went with medium spicy thinking there was no way I could hang at that level, but it was pleasant for my spice tolerance. I’ve been leaning more toward spicy food recently like gochujang and mango-habanero sauce along with vinegary flavors for the health benefits. It’s definitely refining my palate, from someone who didn’t enjoy spice, to someone who could handle it with dairy, to learning dairy was making me sick, to learning how to manage my spice without any dairy cool down. Isn’t interesting to think about how our tastebuds change?
I’ve watched Mike Chen and his Strictly Dumpling content for five years now, and in that time it has educated me and encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone, such as trying hot pot, appreciating mochi, miso, and now the Sichuan peppercorn. When I first started watching, I didn’t think anything of what I was watching other than, it was an escape to travel vicariously through his content when I was broke, but it has truly been a cuisine education, like watching No Reservations.
Back to the food – Golden Dragon’s Sichuan sauce had so much flavor. I was expecting it to be spice-forward without the layers of flavor, there was sour, savory, sweet, and warming spice. The peppercorn is fragrant, floral, unlike anything I had tasted before. I literally felt warm inside as I ate it! And the numbing sensation was fun, addictive, a rollercoaster ride of taste. I definitely want to try it hotter next time. Something I appreciated was the fact that it didn’t give me a thunderclap headache like Thai chilies have given me in the past. The experience made me so disappointed because the flavor of the Thai chilies was incredible! Oh well, at least I found a new friend in the Sichuan peppercorn.
On Saturday, we were going to go bowling at the local lanes. Both of us enjoyed bowling as kids and hadn’t gone probably since college. With a rainy mist in the fall-like air of May in Western Pennsylvania, we went to explore the unknown of our small town’s bowling alley – it was a rather disappointing discovery. There are those bowling allies stuck in the seventies/eighties that have a certain charm because of their vintage and rundown aesthetic, like a time capsule. There are also those bowling allies that have been renovated that may be stuck in the cosmic bowling thing of the aughts, I don’t mind that. But this place was just unwelcoming.
So we bailed and headed over to the outlets to walk around in the clearing sunshine. I’m really glad we did because there was one of those once-a-season mega sales at Under Armour where my husband was able to find something he had been looking to replace for years! When we started dating in college, he had this pair of neon green sneakers. I think the original pair were from Nike. He wore them to pieces, literally the sole falling into worn-out layers. Since then the trend cycles changed the styles, and there have been no sneakers such as the beloved neon ones. He has hesitated to commit to any pair, finding the necessary pairs to get by but nothing as beloved as the neon green ones with black accents.
Behold! We walked around the outlets, to a far arm where Under Armour resides, a store we tend to avoid because the prices are outrageous. Normally. Not this time, we hit like the motherload of clearance. We just had that feeling, the feeling of we should go in there and I’m so glad we did! Perched toward the back is a glorious neon green shoe, with black accents, as though Kyle sketched out a shoe, and of his dream. The white whale. That’s not the best part! The shoes are on sale for $50, regularly $100+! I was shocked, he was delighted. It was a good trip for sure. I love to see my buddy smile.
Another small delight, I spotted as we made our way our way out of the outlets, was this one car. It had a curious, yet strangely familiar phrase written on its back window. “The one, NCT vega.” I had a feeling, there was another one among us and I was right – I was in the presence of another NCTizen! Anytime I see a K-Pop reference on a car, a shirt, or a hint of a song on the radio, I feel this wonderful sense of camaraderie with whomever the stranger is. They get it. ❤
It was one of those good, simple weekends. I restarted my Stardew Valley farm and my husband leveled up his grilling prowess with an impressively tender pork loin. We closed out our time with the 2023 PBR World Finals and a delicious bowl of ramen. I hope you, dear reader, are able to relax and recharge, whatever that looks like in your schedule. Enjoy the little moments with the ones your love.
I woke up this morning and was scrolling Instagram to wake up, I was feeling pretty groggy from a mediocre night’s sleep. Acid reflux got me again! Anyways, I saw a post from the Stray Kids official account with a dark square. I immediately had a sinking feeling. After the tragic loss of Moonbin, I knew that Bang Chan was struggling. I hoped everyone was okay. I scrolled down to see the English caption and found a puzzling series of paragraphs. I like many other Stays found this morning, an apology from Chan for his comments during his most recent live on Youtube, Chan’s Room. To be honest, even though I had seen the clip he was apologizing for, it took me a few minutes to register what he was talking about. That is the reason I am writing this, I think some things on social media are getting out of hand, especially for those of us with a gentle soul like Bang Chan. Since this drama was created by K-pop fans, I think as a K-pop fan I should do my part to counteract all the negativity being thrown around and show some love, Stray Kids fam style.
What do I mean by Stray Kids’ fam style? Well, it’s a bit of a tangent, but if you are not familiar with Stray Kids and their band culture – they are one big supportive family. They love “Stay” the fandom name for Stray Kids enthusiasts. They also love each other, showing up in the joyful moments and the hard ones. For example, when I.N., the youngest member, sang off-key at a K-pop competition called “Kingdom” he was so disappointed in himself that he was overcome with emotion that he cried back at the band’s apartment. When the other members, who were in the living room saw I.N. crying in the kitchen they went to him and enveloped him in a group hug, wanting to know what was wrong and how they could help. They are a really sweet group of guys. They are also quite passionate about their work, being one of the hardest-working bands at JYP Entertainment. Bang Chan who is the leader of the group, along with Han and Changbin write and produce the band’s music. He also hosts a weekly live stream on Youtube called Chan’s Room where he interacts with the fans through live chat.
As a fan, not knowing him personally, he comes across as a very dear person, truly caring for the fans. His responses to questions are so thoughtful. He genuinely does not seem affected by their fame, it is one of the reasons why Stray Kids is so popular. That is why this whole controversy is so bizarre to me. Okay with context established, so a fan on the live asked about an event called Music Bank Paris that happened in April, I believe. There were a lot of bands at the event, and at these events, the bands have some interaction. They at least greet each other and are generally friendly. I mean for them it’s literally a work event, being friendly just seems natural. Chan mentioned that it was frustrating to see some younger bands not greet the older bands, which he claimed he may sound like a “boomer” for admitting. He never mentioned names, he did not call out anyone in particular and he was respectful in how he shared his thoughts.
That’s pretty typical of Chan, he is professional and respectful when he shares his opinions. He is not aggressive in his delivery, this is why I was caught off guard by his apology. I’m not the only one! Most of the comments below the apology expressed confusion and disappointment in the pot-stirring fans who created rumors about who Chan was referring to, creating the drama. The fans also expressed frustration at JYP Entertainment for their role in the apology and called JYP out for not doing a better job at handling this when K-pop idols are pushed to do these live-stream shows by the company. I have to agree, this was all blown out of proportion by social media. Just like a rumor mill in a small town, a few gossipy viewers decided to assume which bands Chan was referring to and ran with those ideas, inventing the entire thing. That’s poor behavior. They are the ones that should be apologizing, in my opinion.
Because Chan is such a sensitive person, he conveyed in the apology how much he was grieved by this situation and never meant to hurt anyone. I love that about him, but I don’t think he hurt anyone. I think the random commenters who decided to figure out the band Chan was referring to did the hurting. And to be honest, respecting your elders in many cultures, especially Korean culture is a big deal. So greeting the older bands at events like Music Bank Paris seems like a no-brainer to me just like being respectful and kind. The fact that none of the drama-crafting fans stopped to consider the cultural side baffles me.
This whole situation points to a deeper problem for me, as a fellow sensitive person, with a few sensitive and gentle friends – why does it seem like the people who are genuinely nice seem to be ripped apart on social media more than the aggressors? Do you know why? Cause I see it all the time. It’s why I don’t have Twitter or TikTok. There is a growing culture of nastiness on these platforms that is trickling into the culture. And it concerns me. Why does our social media society seem to reward rudeness and hearsay? I don’t think we should have to respect the mob mentality that dictates that might is right. Social media clout lacks wisdom and generosity of spirit, which are key ingredients that make communities function in a healthy state. Take a look at what happened to the girls in the viral “Baseball Mean Girls” TikTok video, they were doxxed because the cloud of social media outrage descended into their personal lives, although the girls made it right with the woman they flipped off in the video outside of TikTok, none of this seems to matter to those carrying forth the social media justice. And I digress, my point is that Chan’s apology is a symptom of a bigger problem of the heart we are seeing in the people within our societies, and if we don’t address the heart and start acting in kindness and grace toward others when you think someone has made a mistake, we are in for a lot of strife.
Thank you Chan for being Stray Kids’ best leader! The music you create with 3racha and the rest of Skz has truly made such a positive impact on my life. Even if you make mistakes, this Stay will show you grace and love.
I tried an experiment. This spring, instead of planning out a schedule of sewing projects, I decided to balance my time between my sewing workroom and my other projects by the changing of seasons.
Now, as a type B person, I’m a bit of a procrastinator. My creative nature doesn’t lead to a rigid structure, even though I wish sometimes it did so I could be an organized maker. But I have the personality that I have, and that is okay. I can still be productive even with a procrastinating nature. That’s what I did this spring. At times it felt like pushing off work that I needed to do, but really I learned that living seasonally means there are rhythms to the process at hand.
What made this plan interesting to me was the unknown. I didn’t know how the schedule for making items would come together. I didn’t know if the weather would dictate more lightweight tops first or lead me into shorts. It was purely figured out by what item in my wardrobe I thought I would need next.
Sewing Schedule
As I mentioned before in Sewing When I Lost My For It I decluttered the warm weather clothing that no longer fit me, was worn out or simply was not working anymore. So I was going into the new season with nothing but my workout shorts and shirts. I wanted to challenge myself to find my style by brainstorming on Pinterest and planning items that I actually want to wear.
For this summer wardrobe, I knew I wanted a few basics, statement tops, flowy skirts, comfortable but cute shorts, and a dress if I found a style that I liked. I wanted to design clothes differently than I had in the spring and summer of 2022. Last year I focused on reading patterns, and trying out new types of garments like blouses and pants. My guiding force was found in tutorials and patterns instead of my own style sensibilities. This produced items that were average, not my style but not unwearable. Not exciting though.
I didn’t want to make the same mistake and so from fabric shopping onward, I decided on a motif. I chose a color palette of greens, black, brown, and blue and decided on a closet of shorts, a few skirts, t-shirts, and sleeveless blouses to mix and match. Everything with easiness, like the athletic shorts I used to wear to work for the paint crew. My design philosophy was decided – movement with effortless style, able to style with sneakers.
In total, I’ve created 8 pairs of shorts, 11 tops, one skirt, and two dresses. I made these items off and on since the end of February, so around two and a half months of work. I planned my sewing days based on the forecast for the upcoming week. Spring came early and so I began March making at least three pieces a week. If the weather cooled down I would stop sewing and switch to other projects. If a warm spell came through I pushed to make four or five items to be ready to wear on the incoming 80-degree days. Back and forth like tides of the ocean. Sometimes I barely sewed at all, and other weeks I did nothing else but run my machine.
The Results
What did I learn from this experience?
Planning out your fabric choices and the color palette is a fantastic use of time. This keeps you on track with creating pieces that not only go together but will pair well with the items in your closet. In fact, reviewing my current wardrobe before I purchased fabric kept me focused while browsing so that I bought the fabric I would actually wear instead of fabric that looked cool on the bolt.
Seasonality does not produce balance. Although it was fun to create by the weather and made me more in tune with the changing of the seasons, it did not provide a healthy balance work-life balance. During those sewing benders, I made a lot of things to be ready for the warm temperatures but it also hurt my neck, back, and shoulders to use my machine for 8 hours a day, day after day. Sewing is truly hard work.
I have a greater appreciation for the people who make clothing. Not the designers, the underpaid workers who sew for these brands we buy from. Sewing is hard on the eyes and the upper body, it requires attention to detail. Without the men and women who make our clothes, we would be lost. I have a greater appreciation for those who cut out the fabric, threaded the machines, sewed the armholes, hemmed the pants, and put so much care into items that we so easily take for granted in America.
Will I Do This Again?
I think I will do an adapted version. I like the seasonality of the project and how it allowed me to see the changing season in the same way gardening has. It makes you appreciate the passing of time. That being said, I need more balance. If anything this system showed my type B personality, that type A personalities have a point when it comes to organization. I would prefer an actual schedule, that I could use to keep myself accountable. Not to keep myself from procrastinating, but to keep me on track with stretching, water breaks, and workouts. I neglected a healthy pattern of rest and exercise which made my mind feel cluttered and my shoulders quite stiff.
So, next time you are getting dressed, look at the careful stitches of the garment. Note the complexity that is garment construction. Look at the label and see where it was assembled. Take a moment to appreciate whoever made your clothes and be grateful that someone took the time to pattern and sew your wardrobe so that you could get dressed today.
A few weeks ago I shared part one of my Spring/Summer Collection for 2023. It’s not quite a capsule wardrobe, because I think I made too many pieces for it to count as a capsule but I used the capsule/collection philosophy. By this I mean, making a selection of clothing items with the intention of mixing and matching with the other created pieces and existing items in my wardrobe. Basically one complete thought. I chose to sew the new items instead of buying them for the experience and control over the aesthetic and silhouette I saw in my head.
This was different than my Fall/Winter Collection for 2022 of which I kept one piece, the rest being presents for family and friends. With that collection, I intended to shower love and tailoring on those who have encouraged me to pursue my dream of sewing. I found it easier to stay motivated in crafting the pieces I was giving away. The perfectionist in me was wrapped in ambition and drive to showcase the best possible garment. If I am doing something for myself though, the timetable gets a little scattered.
Stuck in My Head
I began the year 2023 with some setbacks, an injury to my hand, tendonitis in my fingers, my sewing machine had a gremlin in the tensioner, and I had a blow to my confidence.
Two members of my dysfunctional family accepted their gifts with some digs to my construction and design, requesting a whole new item at my cost. I felt like a failure. If my loved ones wouldn’t accept my designs, why should I bother chasing this fashion design dream? Wouldn’t I just end up in tears again? I sat with my fabric stash for a month, reviling it, wishing it would wander off in the night. Then I remembered the resources that were spent purchasing the fabric to make a summer & spring wardrobe. Yeah, I had to keep sewing. I was going to be extremely wasteful not to.
Armed with the encouragement of my husband and my best friend, they got me back in the design frame of mind. With it being the end of February, the Western Pennsylvania weather decided it was time to ride a roller coaster of seasons – one day spring, one day summer, next day winter. Winter for a week, summer for a week, and so forth. This truly lit a fire under me because I had donated or repurposed all the shorts that didn’t fit me for the opportunity to design my own. I budgeted for fabric not shopping – it was time to stop wallowing and figure out how to design some dang shorts!
Scrap Fabric to Shorts
These were the first pair, out of scrap material from the Antrim Coat. I figured out the cut lines for the seat and leg holes from The Essentials Club on Youtube, adapting my waistband for a drawstring of a shoelace. They are a little big but I love how floaty the leg openings are!
New Found Confidence in the Skill, not the Audience
I learned that sometimes the best way to bounce back from discouragement is to keep moving forward. I sewed through it, with the right people behind me. I determined why I was sewing – not to find approval from two family members that can be fickle but instead to finish what I started. Commitment to the craft, and commitment to learning. Actually being my own customer helped me define what I like and who I want to be. Who I want to be is not a business owner with an atelier or a designer that is unconnected to hard work. Starting a shop, which was my goal in 2023, is now a thing of the past.
Sharing my clothes as gifts was a fun idea, but selling is not where I feel called to be right now. Sewing every day, although it was fun before Christmas, wrecks my shoulders and back. I actually hate it and don’t want to do it. It changed my perspective on what being a sewist and fashion designer can mean, but more on that later.
Anyways, my point is, sometimes a closed door is a waypoint for a better thing on the horizon. A setback is not always a bad thing. They reveal what we are and who we want to be. I think the important thing is to remain teachable and ready for the twists to become a better version of ourselves.
Something I knew I wanted to capture in my novel Udal Cuain, was the deep world of lore that literary classics such as Lord of The Rings, the Hobbit, and Harry Potter present by creating books within books. Such as There and Back Again by Bilbo Baggins, Quidditch Through the Ages by Kennilworthy Whisp, or Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander. But it had to fit the world I had created in Udal Cuain with the type of literacy and availability of books, according to the time period.
I settled on a private journal that would make sense in the world of a Cheiftain living in Viking Age Ireland, that although Ancient Irish had a spoken language mostly, a brief written language of Ogham based on trees, they did have the influence of monasteries and with it written language and booking making availability. Especially if that Chieftain had studied with monks and was interested in cultures other than his own, a wanderlust and curious man, a recorder of history, both good and bad that could lead to secrets being recorded, that others did not want. A cause for his death? Perhaps! This was my jumping-off point for creating an active character in a story, where this character had already died.
In Media Res
Because I was a novel writing novice I wanted to be as slick and tricky as possible, at times writing myself into a corner by joining the story in media res, jumping into a story in the middle of the narrative without context. This left me with a problem, how do I tell the stories I need to tell without lengthy flashback scenes that may confuse the reader and muddy the plot?
Insert a lost journal. Found by a key character, with similarities to Conn. This character, who is one of the main characters, is named Kinvara. Kinvara is a misfit turned hero, through her pure spirit, she is chosen by the faeries to be their advocate and right the wrongs of her fellow clan. It is she who finds the journal after Conn’s death when she is in exile on Searbh for treason against the reigning Tearlag, widow of Conn. Kinvara desires to understand why her family and their allies were driven from home to this island, and why her parents would align themselves with Riordan and Saoirse, the ones accused of treason by Tearlag when they seem to be such bad people.
Kinvara like Conn, observes people, and so by choosing her as the character to find the journal, it is like we get to experience Conn in these situations and resolved a problem I did not anticipate – How do I make Conn a relatable character when he’s dead? How do I make the reader see his side? By making Kinvara a foil of Conn, her experience with the secrets she discovers inside Conn’s Journal allows the reader to understand who he was. How Kinvara reacts to the information both shows her value system and Conn’s and allows Kinvara to be a fly on the wall of events that apply to her but gives her the knowledge of such information that would not be available to her character otherwise.
It eliminated for me, the need to create an omniscient narrator. Something I wasn’t interested in.
Sowing Seeds of Story
Now came the task of integrating the two. How should this book, Conn’s Journal be presented in the story of Udal Cuain?
I pondered if it should be in reference only, or maybe a separate book? But that felt like I was putting a burden on the reader to seek this out when I didn’t know if anyone would care enough to do so. I don’t have a writing pedigree to fall back on, I’m an unknown writer that may not be engaging or worthy of devoting so much time to, so I thought about how to make the journal part of the chapters.
Integrating the pieces of Conn’s Journal into the chapters seemed like the most efficient option for the reader, if it exists in the story without requiring the reader to look up an additional source, I believed the reader would be more engaged, and more likely to read Conn’s Journal. This was a great strategy, I believe because this opened a new framework to chapters. If I wanted to reveal something from the past, instead of having the characters talk about it, I could paint a whole scene with action and foreshadowing, so that it was like the reader was reading Conn’s Journal like Kinvara and experiencing the story from her perspective, but also Conn’s perspective.
This plan provided a great opportunity to reveal more about the secretive O’Connors and fact-check what son Riordan, daughter-in-law Saoirse, and wife Tearlag were presenting to the characters in the story and telling the reader. It allowed me the chance to experiment with unreliable narrators, which was a lot of fun, and use the tool of dramatic irony.
Because of the seasonal framework, I discussed before in Ancient Irish Calendar, I had a concise way to show the reader when Conn’s Journal took place. His entries could be dated and set in a specific season or month that could be referenced before or later on, like a hyperlink. But, this could be more layered, Conn may have written about an event in his early life that was set in the calendar framework, and I could demonstrate when Conn did this writing later in life with an entry dated so that the reader could feel like Conn was a three-dimensional character. Just as in life, I wanted my characters to feel human and humans have memories triggered by events that are extremely personal in nature. We connect the dots in our own way, and I wanted Conn’s character to have the chance to tell his own story.
Thank you reader for allowing me to muse and reflect on this work with you. I truly miss the story within the story I created with Conn. What do you think about this writing technique? Would you apply it to your own work? Do you enjoy when authors employ in media res, dramatic irony, or books written by their characters? Should dead characters stay dead? It’s a lot to ponder.
One Rabbit Riot 