Garments I Want to Try Making Again

Two summers ago, in 2022, I tried my hand at making dresses and separates with some mixed results. Some pieces I loved but had fit issues, some were poorly constructed and just fell apart, and some were made with the wrong materials for the project and were doomed to fail from the start. But as a new sewist who is self-taught, it was the only way I was going to learn, by experimenting and making and then doing it all over again.

In 2024, I’ve seen a huge jump in my skill level. I’m beginning to feel comfortable with the craft and I’m wiser about my fabric choices, which makes me think about these former projects. Could I make a better version of them? Have I leveled up my skills enough to do these projects justice and have them in my closet for years to come?

The Blanket Dress

Original Materials: Cotton Flannel, Satin Blanket Edging

Issues: Sleeves fall down and fabric stretches with wear. Not enough structure and bad pattern matching.

2024 Plan: Choose a cotton shirting with more body and keep the plaid pattern or if I stuck with the light cotton flannel, I would add a lining to give structure. Pattern match when cutting out pieces because I can tell I didn’t try at all! Add tie to the back shoulders to keep the sleeves on my shoulders. Add a button placket or zipper to fit the dress to my body better. I would make the bodice even, because I can see how each side of it is a different length.

Will I make this again? Most likely! It is one of my favorite pieces from my early designs.

Amalfi Coast Girl Slip Dress

Original Materials: A very lightweight polyester silk that I found on clearance at Joann Fabrics.

Issues: Very thin, made me paranoid. Being a slip dress I felt uncomfortable, like I forgot to get dressed.

2024 Plan: Lining! I would line this 100% now because that was just silly. I would pick a better fabric though, this one was hot and difficult to sew. I would also fix the bunching in the skirt and fit the bodice better because it looks messy.

Would I make this again? Yes! Potentially this summer if I find the right fabric.

“Linen” Two Piece Set

Original Materials: Vintage Quilting Cotton from my Gram’s stash. Snaps and buttons (because button holes scared me).

Issues: Not real buttons, this was a hassle. The shirt was a bit short and too boxy. The shorts were an absolute mess because I didn’t have a french curve or a proper pattern to make shorts from. The seat was too narrow and the the rise too short, the waist band I didn’t fold over so it provided no structure. A side zip and snaps were an okay closure but they never felt truly secure.

2024: I would buy the cotton gauze fabric or buy linen for the look I wanted. The quilting cotton made this feel like pajamas and it made a little unsure about wearing it out. I would make a proper fitting pair of shorts this time and a real button holes. Other than that, I’m quite pleased with my original idea.

Would I make this again? Yes, it was chic and comfy, if only it had been constructed better I may still have it.

Cropped Cardigan and Ruffle Skirt

Original Materials: Two upcycled pillow cases and a hand-me-down dress I cropped into a cardigan.

Issues: The pillowcase was stained and see through. The cardigan was made from a fast fashion piece that was terrible quality that made it feel weird on the skin. I like the appearance of this look more than I did wearing it.

2024 Plan: Opaque quilting cotton or shirting to feel comfortable. Knit the cardigan in a cotton yarn or a linen yarn to make it versatile for Spring, Summer, and Fall.

Would I make this again? Yes, it’s already on my to do list. I would wear this for so many things.

Silk-ish Halter and Wrap Skirt

Original Materials: A satin polyester from Joann Fabrics. Snaps and a tie made from the fabric.

Issues: My halter top gaped, it was poorly draped and did not feel secure at the back snaps or neck snaps. The skirt did not have enough volume. I didn’t feel like myself in it.

2024 Plan: I would properly drape the bodice and add bust cups potentially to the top. I would also not make it a two piece look because I wouldn’t wear the pieces separately. The fabric was nice and I would use something like it again, although I would love for it to not be polyester.

Would I make it again? No, it doesn’t fit into my wardrobe. I would use a similar fabric again for a dress, but not a halter dress.

April 23, 2024

Finding Peace in Tax Season

In the United States, April 15th is our tax deadline. This is a date for me that has a lot of uncertainty. For most of my adult working life I have been a contractor which means your taxes are not taken out by your employer but instead you are responsible for setting aside the money in your savings that is paid out in a lump sum at the tax deadline. Now even though my job has changed, my husband and I are still navigating this setup and it has given us some uncertainty about how things are going to work moving forward in life, like how one saves for a down payment for a house when we aren’t sure how much we will be paying in taxes at the end of year, because our tax rates and tax laws seem to be shifting. It did this year for sure!

We were unaware that the laws had changed for all contractors, not just content creators, etc that you have to pay quarterly. I’m not sure how we were supposed to know to be honest because no information was shared although they advertise the tax deadline and tax services heavily from December to the deadline the next year. It’s been a stinging mistake because we learned there was a hefty penalty and a brand new tax rate that we were placed into, that we will not soon forget.

I think as humans, those big structures looming over us, like the government, cause a lot of anxiety in us because we want to believe that the social contract of Rousseau is what we are getting, but sometimes in those confusing moments like new laws and penalties without proper communication about it, it feels worrying. It took a lot of maturity and prayer this weekend to just accept that my frustration at myself and the lack of transparency was out of my control and that was okay. Like letting sand fall from my hands. As we paid our taxes for 2023 and then also unexpectedly had to pay for 2024’s first quarter, I had to accept that the money that felt like security was no longer mine, it was Caesar’s, and that’s the only answer.

And they sent to him some of the Pharisees and some of the Herodians, to trap him in his talk. And they came and said to him, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not? Should we pay them, or should we not?” But, knowing their hypocrisy, he said to them, “Why put me to the test? Bring me a denarius and let me look at it.” And they brought one. And he said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” They said to him, “Caesar’s.” Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they marveled at him.
Mark 12:13-17 ESV

The timing sucked and the surprise of paying both 2023 and the first quarter of 2024 in this economy felt like a bit of a free fall. I mean in life, I don’t love surprises. The good ones for sure are fun but those bad surprises can hang over us like a cloud and that’s what I didn’t want to have hanging over me. My husband’s birthday is coming up, and there are charities we support that I don’t want to let down. I’d like to continue dreaming about future plans, have extra money to be generous if someone needs help, or just not be worried about finances. To have that feeling of serenity in the changing sea of life.

Two promises repeated in my mind as we made our payments that helped me regain my peace, which honestly made no sense aside from God and his peace that surpasses all understanding.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28 NLT

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
Matthew 6:26-30 NIV

I started thinking about the jokes people made on the day of the eclipse about going back to 2017, and where I was in 2017 with less than 100 USD to my name and no stable living situation, looking for a job as a new college grad and newlywed. It felt like my life was spiraling but then a year later I was stable with a job and a new life in Savannah. I think back to April 2020, newly laid off and with my husband’s employer looking at a complete NHL shutdown, none of it made sense, we just got back to normal and a savings, were we going back to square one three years later? And now in April 2024, I felt those same fears bubbling up.

Were we going back to that scary place? Was the rug pulled out from under me? How was God going to work this all for good? It’s funny to me now that this is the perspective I chose to focus on instead of thinking about how quickly God turns things around. In 2017, I went from rock bottom to a stable job and was ready for a big move in less than a year. In 2020, less than a year later, we were in a better situation than we left. If a big change happens, I need to remember to leave room for God to work instead of shutting down in fear and worry.

I find it to be no coincidence that I read a commentary days before that discussed the promise God makes in Romans 8:28. He works everything together for good, but He doesn’t promise it will make sense at the time, that’s where faith and leaning on His promises come in. We either choose to trust or we don’t, just like how we face trust issues with human relationships, we either trust people or we don’t. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s honest.

As the dust settled and we processed the tax situation, I realized that although the way things happened didn’t make sense as it was happening, it was going to transform our future for the good. I will never again have to dread that lump sum at the end of the year. With quarterly taxes, it’s manageable chunks, which will help us figure out a down payment for a house and what I experienced this time will never happen again. This was it and now I’m free. I also remembered that after these big financial “losses” happen God does something amazing with the smaller amount in ways that only He can. It’s happened over and over in these years since 2017.

Giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s and God what is God’s is also an important part of this process. Giving back what God has given us to serve His kingdom according to what Jesus says in Matthew 25 and remembering His promise in Matthew 6 is how we plan for the future, on His promises. Being greedy and being unwilling to share my blessings with others is a one-way street to unhappiness. So how will this all play out? I don’t know yet but I do know it helped me find peace in this moment of uncertainty and being released from the dread of tax season is the answer to my prayers even though the process wasn’t how I would have chosen it to be, it will be okay.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Matthew 25:35-40 NIV

I hope that by sharing this story, of my worries and my journey to peace that I will encourage you, reader in whatever you are facing right now. Life is such a rollercoaster and it is tricky in the tough days to remember it will get better. There will be brighter days. Financial stress is a tough adversary and I am still working through how to keep calm when it feels overwhelming.

Just remember you got this! 💪 Or in K-Pop speak, fighting!

April 15, 2024

#52 – Eight

This week has been a whirlwind, and it’s only Wednesday. It’s funny how some days can feel like an eternity to come and some feel long in a way that you don’t want the moment to end. Some events feel like an impending, hurtling, thing that you are on a collision course with and some feel like a sweet treasure, a thing you wished for and hope that it comes true. Duality is such a wild and wonderful thing to experience. It makes me appreciate the differences and the journey.

The Eighth of April 2024

In North America, April 8, 2024, created quite a stir. Somehow I managed to avoid the details of the eclipse until mid-March when the realization crashed down upon me that we were in the path of totality – 99.2% in my hometown. North of us on the shore of Lake Erie they were set to experience 100%. I was flabbergasted. This was going to be my first eclipse with totality and I was pretty uncertain about the experience. It was such an extraordinary event, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. The enormity of that took time to process in my mind and while I came to terms with it I was filled with anxiety at the unknown.

I know that I was incredibly privileged to be right in the path and I am grateful for the once-in-a-lifetime experience even though I was nervous about it. I want to be genuine on this blog and hiding the amount of anxiety this experience gave me would be dishonest, especially because I know there were other people out there who were nervous about it too. Once I learned about the eclipse, it was like a constant bombardment of information. There was a lot of hype around this thing. As the days drew closer, it felt as though it was all that anyone was talking about.

Because there was no escape I had a choice – let the anxiety and the fear take the lead or let this experience teach me something about life and myself. At first, the fear had absolute control and I felt stuck. But I didn’t want to live my life in fear, so just as Kevin McCallister faces his fear of the furnace and the burglars, to prove that he is not afraid anymore, I decided to face my fear.

Now this is where I had to do some internal work and make some distinctions for myself, living in fear is not the same as experiencing moments of being afraid or anxious. We can’t control what we feel all the time, but we can make plans and develop coping tools to help us in times of fear and anxiety. I had to give myself grace that I wasn’t going to be perfect at this and I might get scared or overwhelmed but that it is a feeling not a guiding force. It was important to me that I made a plan of ways to help myself through the feelings I was having to get more comfortable and distract myself if it became overwhelming because deep down I was ashamed of my fear of the unknown, but also I didn’t want to ruin this for my husband who was quite excited to experience this from our yard.

I searched for videos of former eclipses to understand what it was going to look like and how it might feel to experience it. I mainly wanted to understand how dark it would get and for how long, as well as how long this process was going to take from start to finish. My husband had a great idea which was to have exit strategies such as going into my workroom and closing the blackout curtains to be in a sensory bubble with the light on. The eclipse’s totality was estimated at 3 min and 45 seconds here so he suggested I find a favorite K-pop song to listen to through the totality to bring me joy in a moment of overload. It was great grounding by him.

Three days before I started setting a timer for the length of the totality and going about my daily tasks to help my brain remember that it wasn’t long at all and it would be over soon if I didn’t like it. The best thing I found was a resource guide for neurodivergent kids that overviewed the whole process from start to finish. I know that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, but now I wonder if I should find out if I am neurodivergent because what I was struggling with had crossed over with this guide. It was the first resource that truly helped me prepare and feel at ease. I also prayed for God to help me shift my focus from fear to appreciation for this amazing event I was going to see and to see His majesty in the moment instead of my fear.

On the day of the eclipse, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach, it felt like the day I got married, something big and life-changing was on the horizon, not impending doom but something bigger than myself. A big moment for us all, like the morning of my college graduation, it was a big step into the unknown. This is where I could start to feel things falling into place. I realized my next-door neighbors who feel like family were going to be home for it and that felt so comforting.

When it began the neighbors who I clicked with all came outside and we experienced the eclipse start together. We then settled in and watched with the friends who feel like family and it was such an amazing bonding experience that I won’t forget. That being said, I did not make it through the event without having a panic attack which I know God helped me pull myself out of. At totality the light was so weird, the shadows disorienting, and the air too still and cold. It felt like a low-pressure system coming through and I felt overwhelmed by the oddness.

I’m glad I experienced it once, but I do not wish to see another one anytime soon. Once was enough, I’m sorry to say, it was too eerie for me. It was an incredible display of creation’s beauty but it was overstimulating and straight up uncomfortable for me to love it. I’m thrilled though for all the people who got to experience it and absolutely loved it. I want to be more like you!

Eight Years of Marriage

As the sun moved quickly, faster than the speed of sound through the eclipse path my world returned to normal my mind shifted from that place of anxiety to a restful contentment. April 8th was over, which meant April 9th was coming, my eighth wedding anniversary, and a whole day to spend with my husband. Another year in the books with my best friend! Another year passed, eight in total, a dream I hoped would happen when it got difficult and when life seemed stacked against us. We’re out of the honeymoon period, the newlywed haze, the seven-year itch, and all those weird qualifications our society puts on marriage. When it’s really about every day and choosing the other person each day. Committing to the team and playing for the good of the team.

We’ve had so many weird anniversaries where it felt like our world was barely holding on. We’ve had tough years where it felt like a fight to stay together because outside forces like family, finances, childhood trauma, grief, the pandemic, the recession, etc were stacked against us. It felt good to get up and have a normal day of spending time together with my best friend.

In the morning we ran errands and got Kyle a fishing license and me some trail shoes, we went to a used bookstore and grabbed some boba tea. We ate stir fry with noodles for lunch and sprayed for ants around the perimeter inside and out, later we went to the driving range, got Domino’s for dinner, soaked in the beauty of shooting stars and cherry blossoms on ACNH, and finally ended the evening with two of our favorite channels – Matt and Julia and Coupy Camper.

Normal, steady, friendship, connection, contentment, affection, I think this is what we all yearn for more than the flashy moments. Especially after a day of a once-in-a-lifetime event, being “boring” with my best friend in the normal sunshine in a place that feels familiar doing my favorite things, and preparing for more adventures, just felt right. It was the balance being restored in my world, something I am sure to hold dear for years to come.

April 10, 2024

Koala Scott in Oil Pastel

I finished my koala portrait from Koala Drawings in Pencil in a new medium, well a new old medium, a medium I haven’t used in 10 years, oil pastel! I forgot how good oil pastels are for color payoff and texture without being messy like chalk pastels or watercolors. I felt in control of the pigment while being able to direct shadows and highlights over the piece. I’m hooked!

This koala was inspired by a photo I found on Instagram from a creator with the handle @hidenoritsuzuki. Why was this image so special to me? The hand posture and facial expression reminded me so much of my stepdad and his favorite goofy way to feign exasperation. It was the hand! Totally brightened my day. 🙂

April 10, 2024

Pretty Sakura. Maybe I do Enjoy Pink? Reclaiming Girlhood.

The title of this post is actually a haiku, in honor of the post’s subject, Sakura. Sakura also known as cherry blossom in Japanese, has significance in Japanese culture. What the Sakura represents is a contradiction, the cherry blossom season, although beautiful is fleeting and represents life and death, beauty and violence.

Significance of Cherry Blossoms

As Sakura season marks the beginning of spring a season that celebrates new life and vitality the cherry blossom’s life span is quite short, reminding us that life is fleeting. It is a beautiful yet poignant message that is wise and to be honest, a message that I don’t see discussed much in the West unless it is through unserious dark humor, doomsday-type rumblings, or in the Christian faith where we remember that our time on earth is breath compared to the eternity with God.

Life as a fleeting concept is not highlighted as much in America. We seem to have a false sense of prosperity, invincibility, and unwavering desire to plan for the future our culture demands we are owed – wealth planning, retirement, endless health, etc. But truly we are more like the cherry blossom than the rocky mountains.

This deep and beautiful concept has sparked my interest in cherry blossom season in Japan and Korea for the wise sentiments of the cherry blossom season. It has helped me look forward to Spring which in the past, has not been a favorite season for me. Animal Crossing New Horizons brought this full circle with the joyful way the game brings the season to the player even if you don’t live near cherry blossom trees. The game envelops you in the pink splendor of the Sakura while giving you a mission – collecting cherry blossom petals to craft into cherry blossom recipes – wallpaper, flooring, umbrella, picnic set, bonsai, etc. It’s so fun and it’s helped me appreciate this color palette.

Feelings Toward Pink

I’m not sure if I’ve ever loved pink. I’ve been a purple girl and I wonder if my dislike of pink came from a stubborn moment from childhood. I appreciate the design and beauty that my mom created by coordinating our third-floor “suite” at my grandparent’s house in a color palette of pinks and greens. She mixed wallpapers, textiles, and carpets to create this cozy and cute little world that I can see now was a little floor of happiness. She put a lot of effort into it. As a kid though, my friends were able to choose the design of their rooms and I was annoyed that I didn’t get this chance, instead of being grateful and appreciative, I decided that I hated pink. All pink. I’ve held this opinion for 20+ years I’d say, which is honestly insane! Past self you were truly salty!

I’d say the Barbie pink and the bimbo and mean girl association with pink reinforced my dislike of this color. It was a color that was demonized and treated as frivolous feminity, and an enemy to third-wave feminism in the 1990s which was the culture girls my age grew up in. It gets tied up with being “not like other girls” something that was an easy trap to fall into in the 2010s. Basically, I took these opinions in and let them inform my feelings of a beautiful color instead of seeing it for what it was, just a beautiful color that appears everywhere – the sky, flowers, fruit, etc. It’s ridiculous to write off a color.

Maybe it was K-pop girl groups? Maybe it was millennial pink? But slowly as I’ve entered my thirties, pink is no longer an enemy. Animal Crossing has provided a way to play around with pink, in decor and clothing. My little character looks so cute in these pink looks and her house is filled with joy when I use pink accents. It’s not scary, it’s not frivolous, it’s fun.

Electra Dashwood’s Positive Influence

I think Electra Dashwood’s style has been a huge help to me in associating the color pink, specifically the light Sakura pink with positive feelings because of how she decorates and styles her world with this rosy shade. Her content is filled with light, kindness, and warmth. It is an example of pink in a positive way. So much so that when I brought a poetry notebook (ahem, very much influenced by her poetry journal habit) I bought a light pink one with cherries that are in the shape of hearts. A very aegyo (cute display in Korean) choice!

In my thirties, I have learned into what makes me happy, kawaii things. Kawaii means cute, tiny, or loveable in Japanese, and is similar to aegyo in style. I have been gravitating towards this kind of style because it makes me feel less like the world is depressing. It reminds me that we can seek the light, the hope, the goodness out in our world. It’s kind of like the fixation cute things have on strawberry milk right now. It’s pink, it’s cute, I’m not sure what makes it bring so much joy to the world right now, but it’s really cool.

I’ve started buying pink accents for my workspace like a pink sewing machine mat with a matching pedal mat, a kawaii light pink dust pan with a winking face, not to forget I have begun sewing with pink fabric. I’ve been gravitating towards girlier patterns and hues, including bows which I credit to the blokette and coquette aesthetics becoming popular last year which brought them to my feed. K-drama protagonists and K-drama fashion have a cool yet feminine vibe that has made these girlie accents inspiring to me. I feel like I am reclaiming girlhood in my style instead of being afraid to join in.

Have you ever disliked a specific color? Have you seen the Sakura in real life?

April 4, 2024

1990’s Inspired Princess Seam Dress

When we were living in Meadville in 2019 and I was getting into thrifting, I found a lovely 1990s dark purple velvet princess seam dress. It was longsleeved and midi length with a scoop neck and stretchy velvet knit that draped lovely from the waist. I could tell from the label it was vintage. It had a different attitude. The dress reminded me of dresses I wore as a kid that were so special yet accessible.

I was thrilled. It was a comfy dress that I would style with lace-up boots, tights or leggings, and a moto jacket. It made me feel special during a period of my life where nothing felt that special. In 2019, I was bored, stuck in a dead-end job, looking for a new purpose, navigating some drama with my dysfunctional family, and getting used to a new city. It was a weird time.

Over the years my body changed and I donated it back but it continued to live in my head, wishing that I had kept it, so much so that the first dress I ever designed was a recreation of the piece which I talked about in #3 – First Sewing Project. Comparing the pieces I made side by side, I can see the growth in my skills and understanding of fabric which makes me pleased to see.

The left dress nailed the color but everything else about it was jacked up. The sleeves were poofy, and the skirt and bodice were draped well but I know the construction was questionable because it was the second item I sewed ever. I think if I can find this fabric again I’d like to recreate it with my current skill set. The dress on the right I cut out with my own drafted pattern piece based on my measurements. I cut it out in two pieces and sewed it with a zig-zag stitch with medium to low tension and tapered the waist with four princess seam darts. I also reinforced the shoulder with a second layer of fabric that anchored the shoulder seam.

I think I’m going to get a lot of wear out of out of my new princess seam dress. I’ve worn this dress over a few days when my local weather shifted from a warm stretch of 70 degrees Fahrenheit to a rainy, cool 50s and 40s. Because this dress is a polyester stretch knit jersey yet is lightweight, it was comfortable on a warm day. Yet when it cooled down I was able to pop on a sweater and found it easy to style with a pair of boots.

With a sweater, this dress looked like a skirt and it has transformed my approach to how I want to wear my clothing. It may seem elemental, but I’ve usually been a pants and top girl in the winter reserving dresses for the summer, but as my style evolves I’m finding that layering and pattern clashing is something I feel most like myself in.

Long story short, my new me-made dress has surpassed my love for the original, thrifted dress. I love the animal print and the fact that this was a remnant fabric from Walmart yet I believe looks like it came from a higher-end fabric store.

I’m excited to continue designing items in this silhouette and utilizing my own paper patterns which has been a huge step in achieving my vision for the garments I make. I’ve also been working in a lot of stretch fabric this year to gain more knowledge and improve my skills to keep growing as a designer. Without the practice and determination to keep going, not to mention patience because mastering any skill takes so much longer than the internet wants us to believe, this would be a different dress. It would not fit me well, it would not be constructed well, it may not have even made it through the sewing process, and would have been scrapped.

That is why practice is so important. And you know what the real big moments are? Not just your successes but being able to look back at the failures, and the mistakes, and see how far you have come. Such as this dress that I made in 2021, which although the design was cute, fell apart because I didn’t understand how to properly construct stretch fabric nor did I understand how to choose the right fabric for a garment for it to be successful. But now I get it and now I understand how to fix it and if I decide to remake it, I could! And that brings me a whole lot of joy!

April 4, 2024

A Cup of Wisdom Warms the Heart

“Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. The fear of the LORD is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.”
Proverbs 15:32-33 ESV

Doesn’t that sound like something Uncle Iroh would tell Prince Zuko in their quest to catch the Avatar? That’s what I thought of when I read it. A lot of my reading through Proverbs so far has similarly struck me. I will be reading a chapter, line after line of little tidbits of wisdom in the style of literature Solomon seemed to favor, that at times feels sing-songy like a bit of Shakespeare, and then “BAM!” I’m caught in my tracks by the profoundness of what the line of poetry just said. In those moments, I think of Uncle Iroh. I think anyone who is a fan of Avatar the Last Airbender, wishes they had an Uncle Iroh in their life because people like Uncle Iroh seem few and far between.

I think that’s why the loss of my grandparents feels like such a hole in my life, a vacuum of wisdom. I love my mom but it isn’t the same kind of relationship, there isn’t that well of wisdom that flows into our conversations because there is a different approach to life she follows. It’s a well-developed, rich, sort of wisdom that can only come with hard work and deep study of wisdom itself. They had that and they shared it willingly, sometimes to my chagrin as like young Zuko, I didn’t want to hear it.

And like Zuko of season two learns, the echo chamber of losing the voice of reason in your life is way more frustrating than hearing hard truths that mirror your own folly. It is irreplaceable. I miss their wisdom. I miss the surrounding of elders and wise people who seemed to be around me in childhood but seem harder to find with age. I think there is a passing of the torch so to speak whereby aging you are supposed to grow, change, and dwell with the wisdom of life to pass on to others and that transition can sometimes feel like you are treading water.

“If you look for the light you can often find it. If you look for the dark it is all you will ever see.”
Uncle Iroh

Growing older is odd. I never thought I would miss reproof and instruction but I do.

In the spirit of both the verses from Proverbs and the quote from Avatar the Last Airbender, the only way to fix this void is to look deeper and further to continue to seek out good influences in my life, and ways to be challenged to never settle who and where I am now, but to push further to find the well of wisdom and in turn be a well of wisdom to others.

Where do you go to find wisdom? Is it a person? A belief system? A text? Have you continued to seek after it, even crave it as you have gotten older? Have you been able to be an Uncle Iroh to someone in your life?

March 17, 2024

Using Stretch Fabric and A New Technique

Stretch fabric and I have been at odds since I began sewing. I fight with it during the cutting process. The pins slip out while sewing. I’ve cut on the wrong stretchway and ended up with ill-fitting items and not enough scrap to fix it. My Heavy Duty Singer sewing machine which is named, Señor Senior Singer, tends to eat my flimsy knit fabric and lightweight gauze projects, dragging them underneath to jam the machine, and ripping the fabric in the process!

It’s overall been a losing battle, so much so that I have been wary to purchase stretch fabric unless it is on a ridiculous clearance sale because my patience is shot.

This is literally how I feel when the fabric gets trapped under the needle plate and the only way to jailbreak it is to rip it. It drives me bonkers! Why must it keep eating the nice fabric I cut, pinned, and draped into this beautiful form. Was it done so that you, my sewing machine could devour it like a snack?! I digress.

This is where I had to humble myself, accept that something was missing in my technique, and do some research. It turns out I needed to change my approach, which is progress! I first, took a break from my machine sewing, because we needed some relationship counseling at this point, and returned back to hand sewing. I took an approach that matched the speed of a tortoise, sewing small pieces together each day. Work on it no longer than 90 minutes or give my fingers a break or the tendonitis returns in my knuckles. It was tough to keep myself to this snail’s pace of a schedule. It took a week to sew one shirt. That is incredibly slow, even for me when I was hand sewing, but it allowed me to remember, and appreciate, why my relationship with my sewing machine is important. And why I needed my technique to change because this pace drove me mad.

It turns out the secret fix to my woes was adjusting my tensioner on the machine way down, like below five to a section of the dial I didn’t realize actually existed. I thought this would make my garments flimsy but instead, it allowed my fabric to feed under the needle without getting gobbled up.

Secondly, I needed to begin seams about an inch or two away from the edge and sew from there, backtracking at the end to finish the seam. This allowed the fabric to have a tail that guided it over top of the needle plate as I started sewing instead of getting drug underneath by the needle.

Lastly, Kyle helped me add some structure to my sewing table, by adding support under the middle of the table directly under my machine to keep the machine from vibrating and bouncing my seams into nonsensical shapes. I purchased an anti-vibration mat for my machine to sit up on and a matching anti-slip mat for the pedal to have more control and finesse in my sewing, instead of chasing my pedal with my foot.

It was a night and day difference. Dare I say fun? Yes, it made sewing the stretch fabric and the light flimsy fabric a blast. A quick, neat seam was no problem in my sewing studio now!

Here’s the result of my new-found knowledge – four new properly sewn stretch garments that make me feel properly chuffed! The moral of this story is to not give up but to have a teachable spirit when life throws you some curve balls. There is always room to grow and improve if we are willing to seek out the wisdom.

March 15, 2024

Coping with Negative Emotions

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

It’s taken a while for me to find healthy coping mechanisms when negative feelings wash over me. Before I used to push the feelings down and grow numb, I’d clam up, or I’d get angry and stay angry. I’d shop for the heck of it or engage in self-destructive behavior like drinking or fighting with people I cared about until they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’d punish my body with exercise or restrictive eating. After a certain point the negative feelings and my destructive solutions, came to run my life and the anxiety and depression I had been allowing to take root in my life were in the driver’s seat and I was not even a passenger looking out the windshield, but was all the way in the backseat and had no concept of where the car was going.

Three years ago, I decided to take charge of my responses to stress and negative feelings. I stopped using alcohol as a crutch when I was overwhelmed by stressful and painful life situations and decided to look my pain in the eye and face it down. Now, I’m not doing this alone, when I made this decision I surrendered it to God, and chose to let Him be my driver of the car instead of myself or my anxiety and depression. It wasn’t any easy choice. It was scary but also an unknown to be explored. It was a new beginning.

Prayer

Prayer became the immediate lifeline between me and the negative emotions in my mind in combination with spending time in God’s word. Consciously shifting my perspective from, I’m alone and I’m scared to I’m scared but I’m never alone truly helped me feel sure footed when negative emotions clouded over my mind. Was it an instantaneous fix? Yes sometimes and other times it was a slow burn, it’s been a process of sanctification.

Focusing on God can pull me out of panic attacks and remind me that I am loved when dysfunctional people in my life make me question that. But I’ve found that when I’m really dialed into my relationship with God that is where I see the most results because prayer is about preparation. Being consistent so when those big, scary emotions come I can remember God’s promises. Being present keeps my eyes fixed on Him and helps me feel His presence even though I cannot see Him in front of me.

Has it taken away the negative emotions completely? No, they still happen and I still get anxious and depressed but I don’t remain there. Like a rain storm there is a clear sky on the other side, the morning always follows the night.

Poetry

I started writing poetry again back in December after a long hiatus, like maybe five years of turning away from it because of a friendship that I didn’t want to have creative competition in. That was a mistake because poetry, like journaling is an incredible way to walk your mind through your negative thoughts and process them through creating a work of art in words. Whenever my head feels too full with emotions and negative thoughts I pour them on to the page. I have specific notebook for this purpose and I say what I am feeling to my notebook.

I’ve done this as a way to get out of a loop of insomnia I was stuck in because of grief and it helped me digest the pain that was hovering in my mind so that I could move to the other side and back to a more balanced mind. Some poems I share and some are just kept for my own creative expression. It’s like Dumbledore’s Pensieve in Harry Potter. The memories, emotions, and negative thoughts are extracted on to the page where they can live and my mind can have some rest. Which is oh so nice for an over thinker like myself, who will continue to think until the wee hours of the night on problems there is no clear answer to.

Music

Since I received my iPod nano in 2008, I have been a music escapist. I need my headphones and my music at the ready for trips, errands, social situations, etc. I crave that escape when the world feels like too much. I need music to carry me through what I’m feeling and get my emotions out.

I usually run to music when I’m feeling angry, fed up, or in pain. I will play it loud and let the beat and the bass overwhelm me in its world until the anger feels less explosive. I’ll run to music when I’m feeling scared and uncomfortable to distract and get my mind out of the loop its in. Music is motivating. My favorite go to songs when I feel like I’m going to explode from all the emotion inside and I’m feeling anger rise in me are LALALALA Rock Version by Stray Kids, Cover Me by Stray Kids, Bouncy (K-Hot Chili Peppers) by Ateez, Guerilla by Ateez, Haegeum by Suga, Kill this Love by Blackpink, or Drama by Aespa.

Exercise

The other day I felt some unsolvable pain due to an increasingly dysfunctional relationship I have with a parent and I wanted to give into the temptation of destructive behavior. I wanted to drain my bank account with a shopping spree and get very drunk because I felt so helpless from this relationship ever getting better here on Earth. I was frustrated and wanted to feel pain because I was feeling angry and numb. Instead of doing something destructive, I decided to work out, and push my body though exercise to embrace the burn to feel something instead of hurting myself and my future. It worked!

I was motivated to lift weights longer, hold wall sits and planks longer, to push my leg muscles, my core, and my arms to higher reps. It was awesome and constructive instead of destructive but with the release of anger in a healthy way. I remember my Papa telling me that he would channel all the anger he had from his own dysfunctional parents on the football field and get the emotions out through the physicality of the game. It truly made a difference and I was able to no longer feel explosive after my workout because although the pain and negative thoughts were still hovering in the background, I felt like I was no longer trapped in my mind.

Art

When I don’t know what to do with my mind, I make art. I get creative and let myself escape into a world of my own creation in order to get out of my own head and my swirling negative thoughts. Getting creative reminds me of what my purpose is and my calling and helps me to remember that there is more to life than the bad times. There is so much beauty beyond what I am currently stuck in, when I’m feeling low, that I need to carry on and make something beautiful. Get out of my own head and remember that I have worth, I have the ability to create beauty in this world, and I can do better than those around me who hurt me. Art is uplifting. Creating is nourishing. It channels the pain into something more than it started as, it becomes a touch point of connection with others and the world around us.

My favorite way to escape into art is to draw landscapes, flowers, animals, and the sky in the majesty of a sunset.

March 15, 2024

#49 – Deactivating Facebook

In 2011, my senior year of high school, one of my close friends opted to not come back to our school for his final year and instead chose to do cyber school which meant, because of how much time he already spent working and playing a little game called war of warcraft, I was going to lose contact with him. Now, at the time, I had known this friend since we were toddlers, through church and later on school, it seemed too important to let that friendship fade into nothingness just because of change of life. I knew there was one modern way to stay connected, a way I dreaded and had put off as long as possible – Facebook. And so in 2011, I bit the bullet and got one.

I instantly regretted my decision.

All of a sudden my feed was filled with information overload in the way only social media can with details that honestly make you feel a bit insecure, like realizing, I knew I was a bit of an outsider at school but oh my, a lot of parties and social events were happening that weren’t on my radar that were now showcased page after page. Suddenly, the peace and tranquility of my quiet introverted life, one connected to people outside classmates, was gone. Poof. I felt a comparison. I felt lacking. I felt lame. A person missing the plot that everyone else got. Who were these people I thought I knew?

Was I doing this all wrong? Should I have more friends? The friend count, the status symbol of ye olde Facebook, some of my fellow friends had 1000s of friends and I was struggling to think of 100 people I knew well enough to add. The profile picture, the clever status updates, the albums upon albums of photos of normal days and things. What was this weird and aspirational world? And where did my feeling of contentment go? In an instant, it left me like a hat on a windy day.

I look back on this feeling and wish I had rolled the dice on keeping in touch through email or text because that friendship didn’t last once we entered college and went our separate ways, but those feelings of insecurity and comparison, they took root. Not just me, but I think all of us are waking up to this and how social media is stealing our joy and our world from what it can be.

After all, we know now that Facebook is a terrible way to keep friendships going, except we didn’t know that yet. I mean I think everyone over the age of 60 at the time knew it was not a replacement for having a social life, but we like intrepid explorers too cocky to listen to the warning that the river was going to turn into a waterfall went tally-ho onward into the mist and went over the waterfall. And now with our broken bits of boat and sputtering of water in our lungs, we see our friends float by us in the river and yet just like the metaphor, we are unable to link arms because the current of the algorithm is taking us where it wants to. Unhappy and alone, we arrived in 2024 and it was time for me to climb ashore.

I was watching the first season of the Great British Bake Off with Mary Berry, Paul Hollywood, Sue Perkins, and Mel Giedroyc, circa 2010 and I felt this overwhelming yearning to go back, back to 2010. Like this scene in Joe Wright’s Pride and Prejudice where Elizabeth sees Mr. Darcy appear in the fading mist of dawn.

I thought about this, why did I feel such a strong pull toward this time? I don’t particularly love the fashion of this period nor was it the most exciting time of my life, it was high school for goodness sake with the season of SATs and college applications. But it was strung together with moments of deep authenticity, real connections, and life spent living in real life instead of online. I spent my days with real people, not a screen with someone behind the screen talking to me. It was real and my world, with my people. I wasn’t worrying about FOMO or what other people were doing, I didn’t consider what other people were doing if I wasn’t there or how I should be spending my time compared to what other people were doing. I was just living. It was before social media had its claws into me and the world.

I remember the world being less performative, less homogenous, and more authentic. If someone was cool it was usually because they were doing their own thing and owning it. If someone was pursuing a hobby or a career it was because they had a passion for it, not for social media clout or to be like everyone else. Phones were for texts and phone calls, sometimes photos. At social events, particularly family events and meals, they stayed in your pocket.

If you were using your phone you were actively talking to someone. People knew things and retained information because Google wasn’t at the ready. You had to discuss and determine things through research, using a book or a computer. Photos existed in physical albums, in frames, on fridges, and in wallets. Body dysmorphia existed, but was less of a constant because in person you can’t Photoshop and filter, you have to accept who you are enough to be in person. Trips were shared through home movies, photos, and stories around a table with food and drink.

At that moment, I realized I was done. Done with pretending I like this fake world of connection. I separated my Instagram from my Facebook so that I could continue sharing photos to my Instagram sewing portfolio account, because that is for exposure not connecting, and deactivated my Facebook. I kept Messenger so that three specific people could still reach me and I hit that deactivate button. And I have to say, it felt like a fake haze lifted from my world. That chapter was done and I feel a peace washing over me again.

If it was as easy as leaving one social media platform, what other little swaps could I do to find those things that made the world feel so real and connected before the social media age? That is my next quest. Onward into normal, human connections!

March 13, 2024