Tag: personal development

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22 ESV

A month ago this verse popped across the screen of my phone, the verse of the day. Although those change daily, this one popped up again, and again. I wasn’t sure why but I knew I should take note. I’ve been a procrastinator in my devotions this fall, without a clear direction in my Bible study, I began reading this chapter, Psalm 55, daily. I’d read it and then reread it. I’d recite the words slowly in my head, sometimes out loud.

Again I wasn’t sure why. I thought maybe God was teaching me something, it felt like He was asking me to trust Him more in those moments of loss. Life was going pretty well so I wasn’t sure why it was happening now as I tend to do. I like to figure everything out, especially when I am supposed to wait and see. My impatient mind does not like waiting and seeing. I’ve learned over time to trust that if He is doing something to take note, and trust that even if it isn’t the way I would want things to happen there is a well-woven tapestry to His plan that will bring me out to the other side, perfectly loved as the song says.

You’re perfectly human
Made from the dust
You’ve got a heart, broken and scarred, yet perfectly loved
Oh, even when you were running
Even when you were hiding
Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved
When you barely believed it (when you barely believed it)
When your eyes couldn’t see it
Every single moment you’ve always been perfectly loved
Perfectly loved
You’ve always been perfectly loved

– Rachel Lampa

This morning, that tapestry is becoming more clear. Psalm 55 is sandwiched between Psalm 54 and Psalm 56, the headings read – The Lord Upholds My Life, Cast Your Burden on the Lord, In God I Trust. When I was reading Psalm 55 in November, I read these too. I realized He was preparing me for a purpose, to trust Him this weekend when I learned I had unknowingly been eating an item containing milk and got sick. I was ready and rooted when a relational rug with a friend was pulled out from underneath me and I was prepared to be brave and ask her to stay instead of running first.

In the past I’ve been too afraid to be vulnerable with people who are leaving me, I’m always too scared to stop them. I’m terrified to say I care about them, to say that I’m hurting, and to ask them to stay because I’m afraid that they will laugh at me. I’ve been afraid of being too much. I’ve learned from my relationship with my husband that sometimes you have to be willing to look like an idiot because you care about someone. Reaching out first doesn’t mean you are weak or pathetic. It shows that the person means something to you. Being sad that a friendship is ending is healthy and normal, getting angry and burning a bridge so that you look tough is just plain dumb.

But the verse doesn’t say anything about this right? Right but the entire chapter is about David running from a treacherous enemy, it’s about betrayal. Through studying this chapter I’ve learned how to trust God against a treacherous enemy – myself.

I am my worst enemy. I will burn it all down when I’m scared faster than anyone can hurt me. I’ve been a runner, an island, terrified of letting anyone into the deepest parts of my insecurity. I may not be able to trust humans without fail with my heart but I can trust God and that is where my worth must come from. In denying feelings of sadness, and loss, and wanting those relationships to be, I was denying myself the opportunity to grow.

Making peace with my worst enemy, myself has brought me inner peace. I can trust God against my treacherous enemy, myself.

I couldn’t have done that without God’s care to prepare me for it. Through this whole experience, I have learned how great His love is. His love reaches out without certainty of us reaching back and if that is was the ultimate expression of love for us, then who am I to stop myself from growing and maturing to be more Christ-like? Especially if He is going to all this effort to be there for us.

How do you find inner peace? Have you ever self-sabotaged? Do you find it easy to be vulnerable?

I Struggle in December

December is a weird month. I like Christmas and in the same breath, all the holiday joy reminds me of loved ones who aren’t with me anymore. The darkness of winter, the time change, and dreary gray days have felt like my mind washing over my environment when I get sad.

My grandma passed away on December 18, a few years ago now. Before she passed, our family holidays moved from being at home to being celebrated at a nursing home because my papa had broken his neck and wasn’t able to recover fully from the injury at 80 years old. The season has felt a little empty now for seven years. It hasn’t been all bad, my husband and I have created new traditions and I’ve found a lot of joy in rejecting the tradition and finding new ways to enjoy the season. Making things and being generous to others, whether in my community or social circle, has been the best way to make this month joyful for me personally.

Potato Technology’s A/W 2022 was about this exact point, I wanted to make things for the people who showered me with love and encouragement as I found my way back from grief to a new normal. The last Christmas season before the pandemic, we made cards for a local nursing home and that is still one of my favorite Christmas memories of the last seven years.

That was the same year my brother came to visit me on Christmas. We never spent a holiday together in our 26 years of being brother and sister. It was cool and also hard to process. I think there will never be enough time or enough normalcy to make my relationship with my brothers feel whole because we didn’t get the chance to have that and had to make our own traditions with our separate moms. My sister’s existence with another mom makes the entire thing more complicated, as I have been both shoehorned into that nuclear family even though I don’t belong and have been passed over for the normalcy of my sister’s two-parent home.

My dad and my stepmom don’t understand boundaries. If I put up a boundary, they tear it down. They even weaponize this time of year to make me feel guilty. Before I cut off contact it was guilt to be at their house in south Georgia for every Thanksgiving and Christmas on my dime. This irks me because they are incredibly rich compared to me and most people in my life and it’s unfair to place these financial and emotional expectations on me. Since I have cut contact because I got tired of the toxic environment, I get a reminder of my failure with a Christmas card and sometimes a present. The card used to come from my dad but as I have not done as he wished, it now comes from his wife and has become more cutting.

I’m not sure if it will come this year but it hangs over my mind as I feel grief that my dad can’t be in my life without hurting me, and if I take a step back from the dysfunction for my own sanity, I receive nasty cards reminding me how it is all my fault. Merry Christmas, you’re failing us as a daughter. In reality, the situation is complicated and I am sure at fault for things but the sheer inability to acknowledge that it takes two people in a relationship to make it or break it baffles me.

I think all this baggage could be why, I am utterly distraught that my friendship with a friend I met in college which was honestly always dysfunctional, and probably better for both of us to go separate ways, has ended abruptly. Even though I saw it coming and was honestly on borrowed time, the fact that it fell apart at this time of the year is bringing me quite low. I don’t understand how it all happened as quickly as it did. Because I’ve lived so many years now with those nasty Christmas cards, I can’t help thinking this is all my fault and that I didn’t mean much to her anyway. Which is crazy because I know that our friendship did mean a lot.

Man, this time of the year is not as holly or jolly as those songs claim. It is complicated because it can’t be perfect like the movies tell us it will be. If you are having a hard time, know that I’m here for you and I’m sending you love through my keyboard because I am not doing well either. Thank you for spending a bit of your day with me.

My NanoWrimo 2023

How late in the month is too late to make it count? Today, on the second to last day of the month I got a brain wave and have two chapters in a rough draft! I don’t want to give too much away because it’s early in the process. I’m ecstatic though! I was beginning to think Udal Cuain was a fluke and another idea would not come my way. Making lemonade from lemons, that’s the inspiration at least.

If you celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. If you don’t celebrate I hope you had a great weekend. I got some solid advice this weekend that I think catapulted this process forward. I was at my mom’s and met up with a former professor from my college. He’s become a family friend over the years which is cool because he was one of my favorite professors.

I was showing him what I was getting up to with sewing and knitting, sharing my design journey, and he asked me if I was planning to sell my creations. I was honest and shared that when I think about taking the leap to sell online or in person, I am filled with doubt that my items are good enough to sell. All I can see are the mistakes instead of listening to feedback from others that they would be interested in purchasing. He considered this and replied that the difference between a published dissertation and a perfect dissertation is that one is completed. It may not be perfect but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value. When we get stuck in the loop of perfection, we may never move forward to the next step.

This echoed advice I received from a random stranger who is also a writer, earlier in November. That staying organized with the writing process is less important than just getting started. I can’t write a book unless I get the ideas down on paper, no matter how chaotic the first draft is. She encouraged me to just write and edit it later but to get the ideas out of my head. It gave me the motivation to begin an outline for a dress history research project that I’ve been working on here and there in November. This would be non-fiction, which I was fine pivoting my attention to, but I am stoked that I actually had an idea for a non-fiction project because I want to push myself to go all the way this time. To not get stuck in re-writes with Udal Cuain and abandon the project instead of pushing forward to publish it.

I feel a creative spark coming back! This month may not have gone to plan and that’s okay. I have two chapters and an outline for another project. I am truly pleased! What I have been reminded of through this process is how important people are to our lives, strangers and mentors alike, you never know what solid advice others have to share if you take the leap to reach out and connect.

Trying Something New – Hot Pink Scuba Fabric

The clearance section of a fabric store may be my biggest design inspiration. It is in the bolts of discounted fabrics from seasons past that you can find some real gems in my opinion. My brain gets a break from the items deemed trendy or seasonal for a moment to look for something new and at a reasonable price to justify taking a chance on something new. That is how I took a chance on this two-sided scuba fabric that is hot pink and light pink. Not really my cup of tea! But it was 2 USD per yard and honestly a fascinating texture and weight. It was worth the leap to try something new, so I did!

Now, do I always have a garment idea in mind when I pick out these cuts? Nope. Should I? Probably. But some magic can happen as they hang out in my fabric stash like inspiration finding its way to me, which is quite fun.

For this cut, in particular, I was a scuba newbie. The weight was hefty with a bit of stretch, so it needed to be a garment that could handle the heavier textile. The two-sided nature provided two color palettes in one. I considered a jacket, a coat dress maybe? The thing that was working against my creative brain was the Barbie movie. I did not want to make a Barbie cosplay, simply because Barbie was not my favorite toy. I was an American Girl Doll and a Fashion Polly girl through and through. Making a Barbie-inspired garment would not be authentically me nor would it be something I would wear because, did I mention I don’t really wear pink? Yeah, I don’t love pink, especially hot pink, so why did I buy hot pink fabric fabric? I think I like pushing myself to a place of adventure with the clothes I make. I don’t want to make boring clothes if my skills will allow me to do so. No matter what I did with this fabric it was not going to be boring.

One day I saw this photo of Hyunjin on Instagram and it hit me, why does this pink scuba fabric half to be made into a feminine Barbie cosplay? Hot pink looks fantastic in a masculine silhouette. Making a neutral garment, like a pair of pants could be just the thing I need to make this fabric feel accessible to me and my own personal style. A pink dress felt too on the nose for me to get any wear out of and that is a big thing for me. I don’t want to make things I am not going to wear just for the heck of it. Maybe one day if I have a way to sell things that aren’t my personal style but right now that would be a poor use of resources and excess clutter my closet doesn’t need.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to make a hot pink pair of jeans like Hyunjin is wearing, I simply don’t have a jeans pattern in my stash, but I do have a menswear trouser pattern. I chose to use that instead of free-handing a jeans pattern so this garment would have the best chance of success. Jeans have an incredible amount of details that make them distinct and classic. The pants I drafted were going to be far more simple as these would be my first attempt at sewing my own trousers. It was a big moment!

I altered the menswear trouser pattern I had for a better fit by raising the rise for a higher-waisted fit. I did this to fit my waist better and to give more room to my hips. I was nervous these were not going to fit me right because I was grading the pattern to my own design so I cut a generous seam allowance around each piece. (A little too generous I will find out later.) This fabric cut like butter and did not make a mess, which was a huge victory after my Jack Sparrow Inspired Coat corduroy left a layer of fluff on my floor that I still find remnants of today.

To match the crotch lines better, I tried something new from my previous shorts projects and sewed the front and back seams first and then I worked the inseams, working my way out the outside leg seams last. I don’t know if this is the proper technique for sewing trousers but it worked well for this project. I tried them on and the pants fit well, a little wonky at the front because I left too much seam allowance, but they looked like actual pants that an actual person would wear. It was around this point that I realized I needed to do more than just sew two leg tubes together, these trousers would need pockets, fastening, and belt loops to be a properly finished garment.

I recently learned how to make button holes which I shared in My First Buttondown Shirt and with this newfound knowledge I decided to go in a Spicy direction, literally like the Aespa Spicy M/V, I was going y2k! What was cooler than popstar fashion when I was a kid? Nothing. I wanted these to feel like Destiny’s Child or a backup dancer for Proto Zoa would wear.

I decided the best way to accomplish this would be to make cargo pockets for a funky twist and place them higher like you would normal pockets, to hide the weird fit around the front of the pants. These pockets I designed to be usable, big enough for my phone, and secure, with proper button closures. This was my first attempt at cargo pockets and belt loops and I have to say, they were not as scary to make as I thought, especially with the use of my heavy-duty sewing machine.

Final Thoughts

So as far as my first pair of proper pants, not just lounge pants, I am supremely pleased with how they fit. I can see the flare leg starting at the knee. I like how they fall around my hips. I like the length and the rise of the waistline. The pockets were stronger than I anticipated and the belt loops were functional, which came in handy because these pants were a bit big and continued to stretch as I wore them. Styling them was a bit of a challenge, as I realized I didn’t own much in my existing wardrobe that paired well in color and proportion to the silhouette of these pants. Shoes were also a challenge, I opted for a pair of Converse high tops since I believe they go with almost anything.

This is where things got interesting. I wanted to show my mom and my excitement bested my judgment. I unwisely decided to wear these pants out and about for a day of running errands in Wexford. This was my first mistake. My second mistake came from my unwise decision to cut the pieces with an extra seam allowance that made the front of the pants fit weird. The waistband was a bit big which I thought I could remedy with a belt. It did work for a bit until the fabric began to stretch, and stretch it did! The belt stopped working which was awkward, as every few minutes I had to adjust the belt.

My third mistake was not inserting a zipper to take the waistband in, which I should have planned for. I got excited and sewed the seams before I remembered the zipper. This scuba fabric showed every hole, whether pin or needle, therefore seam ripping and inserting the zipper worried me because the fabric was weaker in those spots. I was concerned the pants would rip (foreshadowing) so I left the pants as is to depend on that belt for structure. The side was the only place to put the zipper because the front was fitting so weirdly I did not want a zipper shining a big spotlight on that error.

Herein lies my final boss of mistakes, the fabric versus my thread tension. It was a mele. With thick fabric, I raise the thread tension because it helps the needle sew through the thicker fabric. Being unfamiliar with scuba I didn’t know how the scuba would respond. The scuba did not like the high tension nor did it like being sewn. I was able to get the pants, the pockets, the waistband, buttons, and belt loops on, but there were times I could barely get a needle through. The tension came back to bite me in the butt as my wear test went on. By the end of the day, I was incredibly thankful we headed home early. The thread on structural seams, like the main ones in the front, back, and sides had begun to rip through the fabric. The seams were on their last leg.

I’ve never had this happen with a project before! I was incredibly frustrated as this project took days to sew. My fingers were scratched up from the pins and the needle accidentally stabbed me as I hand sewed the buttons. There was no way to fix them, they were toast.

And so ends the journey of the pink pants. They had a good day out. A one-time adventure. They were good pants that deserved better. In my short time with them, they taught me a lot. Thank you pink pants and random scuba fabric. I will never purchase scuba again!

#40 – Crying or Laughing

What a weird couple of days. It was like a rollercoaster and now, just as Sookie asks on the ‘Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving’ episode of Gilmore Girls, “Am I crying or laughing?” After Jackson deep fries the turkey, and almost everything else, including a part of the lawn! Yeah, I felt that confusion.

It wasn’t all bad though.

Friday was actually a spectacular day! As the sun descended behind the rain-filled clouds and darkness ensconced the day Kyle and I found ourselves in a magical wonderland of lights. It was Keystone Safari’s holiday night! The entire zoo was decked out with holiday splendor, under the twinkling of lights and interludes of rain, a familiar place transformed into a magical experience. I even got to meet a Kangaroo joey!

Saturday was good too, my mom and I had a wonderful heart-to-heart that filled my heart with joy. But then Sunday came. As a believer usually, Sunday connotates peace, freedom, and comfort. This day instead, was a big bummer. A friend, I was building a strong relationship with in spite of a lot of limitations, like distance and ease of communication, well she just dropped a chaos bomb and put our relationship in a tailspin.

As a kid of divorce, messy boundaries and lack of consistency are tough, random disappearing maneuvers just plain suck. I’ve done a lot of work on my own and with God over the last five years to break free from childhood pain that was stuck to me, so that I stopped letting those wounds dictate my life. It’s tough when life just throws you a curve ball. The experience, even though we made some efforts to right the damage, raised more questions than I have answers for.

When you put a lot of effort into growing something, only to have the other person rip out your progress without thinking it through, it uproots the relationship. It makes it hard to keep those established and healthy boundaries. Your roots are shallow, although you are fighting to go deeper. I was discouraged by it.

Then Monday decided we should go another round, and I’d say Monday won. That’s okay, life is all about those unexpected moments and how you roll with it. The day started with a false alarm that our bank information was stolen. It’s quite the wake-up! A few minutes later we realized our furnace was not working. Living near Pittsburgh, this time of year can be chilly. It was 20s or 30s Fahrenheit outside, our house was going to need a heat source for sure.

It all worked out because God provided for our needs, and I knew even if the furnace never started again, there would be a way forward. The waves of unexpected problems were tiring though, after the unnecessary drama from the day before. That is where I felt like Sookie. It was 7:40 am and the day already seemed doomed to fail.

I’m learning a lot from these moments though, something I plan to dig deeper into in a future post. How do you handle those kinds of moments? Do you have a go-to thing that pulls you out of the frustration?

I tend to listen to music. This song was a go-to for me this weekend:

Is A Coat Project Ever Done?

After a wear test this past weekend I realized my Jack Sparrow-inspired coat needed a few more touches to truly pop. Including accessories which will be coming soon. As for the coat, it was missing that polish, you know? So I took the belt and chopped it into five rectangles to make the button tabs and the pocket flaps. I also added more buttons! Two more styles, actually. I added leather-inspired buttons for the chest tabs and a tortoiseshell set to the lapels and the pockets. The pockets have closing buttons for security which was desperately needed because I was close to losing my phone on Saturday due to those gaping pockets. For only having the yardage from the belt to work with this turned out well. Is it a complete project? Time will tell. 🙂

Instagram Isn’t The Same

Lately, Instagram has been getting to me. It’s something that I’m not proud to admit because it sounds a bit pathetic, but hear me out. I’ve had an account since 2016 and mainly used it to share my travel memories and to experiment with photography as a creative outlet. It was fun and broke me out of my shell because it was an image, not a Facebook status update to perfect or a clever tweet to craft because I’m shy, and those social media sites honestly intimidated me.

And so Instagram was this fun creative outlet to express myself and in doing so share these creative moments with some IRL people and more often than not, new people that over time have become internet acquaintances. I found a community of people who got me when my in-person community was lacking. Later that year when I joined WordPress for the first time under the name Muirin Project I was less scared to share my writing because Instagram taught me there are people out there like me who love creating and connecting across the world. An introvert the world is your oyster type of thing, and I was pleased.

As my account has transitioned through the years through different creative projects, like world-building for Udal Cuain, watercolors, knitting and now sewing it’s ebbed and flowed and never felt like an empty void like it does now. With a focus change, I’d gain and lose followers and I never noticed a big jump or big loss until last year. When Instagram pivoted to add reels for a Tik-Tok style feed and sharing, things got a bit weird. I was in a place of discovery, figuring out what the next step should be with my newfound skills, and playing around with reels. Reels and experimentation with the creator account features opened up a new world.

Growth is Weird

Understanding SEO and the need for traffic to build a bigger audience, the platform’s push to share reels higher into the algorithm was a no-brainer as I was testing the waters of turning my sewing into a business. Reels were made and shared and some did poorly and others gained 1000s of views. For an account of 230-ish followers, this felt big, at times too big, and a little scary. The other scary thing was how there was little to no control over what would be pushed out to the algorithm and I was quickly discouraged by the performance of reels that featured projects I put a lot of work into. Reels however did grow my account and I continued to play around with them until this fall when my desire to spend the time on these little videos died.

What I noticed from 2022 to 2023 is that it doesn’t matter whether I share a photo or a reel, they don’t get shared with anyone, most importantly my friends and family. They just do nothing and it frustrates me because I’m not making them for me, I am making them for what they used to do to expand my reach to new people and share my designs with new audiences. As a creative expression, well I’m not a filmmaker and it shows.

What I did start to notice was a new trend, the creator account features became impossible to ignore. A nice little dashboard was added this year to show you, how in my case at least, my account was failing to reach people. This left me with a conundrum, first how the heck do I disable this feature and second, how much do I care about having an account with a category? I did notice that having my account as an “Artist” account limited the random inappropriate spam comments and follows but was the constant reminder of the dashboard worth it?

That dashboard affected me far more than I wish it did. As a recovering perfectionist and overachiever, this was sending me into a Paris Gellar and Amy Santiago type of spiral! This is a career change and life re-route and it has felt like nothing but failure for most of it because I feel like no matter what I’m behind. Instagram’s creator tools and reels were not inspiring me or helping me to “build my business” like they claim, it was making me feel small because of how the entire app is like a big mirror shining back things through a lens of comparison. I didn’t like nor did I want to accept the bitterness welling up inside at others’ success and achievements. It goes against what I believe to tear others down like that to build myself up. I could tell it was making not feel like myself or spark the joy of connection that it used to.

What Am I Doing This for?

In the spiral, before I figured out how to disable the dashboard and return to my public account, I began to question more than just my success according to the app but the point of why I was doing any of this? What was the point of sewing, creating, writing, etc if nothing would show for it? Should I go back to a dead-end job and find my worth within work and money so I could live the American dream of the house and the stuff? I felt like a loser and I didn’t like how much it shook me.

Because that is not where I find my worth and if you have been around the blog before or know me in real life you know that is not what I believe in.

My mom actually pulled me back into focus with incredible advice, to only create things that bring me joy. Not to create things for growth or success or gaining other’s approval, but to make things that make me happy and the joy and passion behind them will be evident to others. She challenged me to re-center back to why I am doing this in the first place because I feel like I am dying inside if I am not making, drawing, writing, and creating. I’ve been this way my whole life and to be honest the only potential wasted time was the time I walked away from all of it to be someone else and pursue a career for the sake of it in my old dead-end job. But even that wasn’t wasted because God used that time to teach me more about myself and the world around me.

Shifting Sand

This brings me to my current frustration with Instagram, the ever-changing follower count that seems more akin to sand in an hourglass than ever before. I’ve been creating for fun, in joyful and passionate waves of knitting, sewing, drawing, and writing. I’ve been doing it for the sake of doing it, not growing towards anything or having a business. I’ve been making out of love.

Because I’ve been making things out of a deep place of passion and love for the process and artistry of it, it is killing me inside each time I share something on Instagram that I am truly proud of and know that it will be followed by a trickle of unfollows after I share. Of course, there will be new people but those unfollows make you feel like crap because I feel like I shared something deeply connected to me and when I would share, in years past the unfollow trickle wasn’t instantaneous to sharing a new post. It’s like Instagram’s new format is to discourage you from using it with this new algorithm and the bombardment of ads and threads, which I can’t seem to turn off either?

Logically, I know it isn’t that deep and my art is not for everyone. I’ve been reminding myself of that a lot lately, that I can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I think in those my sensitive artist side just feels so spurned by the world, so it will be a process to learn how to ignore it. I wish the platform wasn’t going in this direction though because those connection moments of the past were so sweet and I miss that. Not everyone was an influencer, a creator, a business, or a professional photographer there was a relaxed and fun nature to it that is missing.

The Chase or The Rock

I’m lacking gratitude, and that is the key that I am missing to feeling free from the dark cloud that hangs over us in this social media age. My account has actually grown a lot this year, far more than I expected reaching past the 400 I was hoping to reach. Recently it swung up to 470+ and I began pushing for 500 by 2024, the feeling of chasing over took me instead of pleasure at surpassing my original goal. Funny how the echo chamber of social media makes us feel less than worthy no matter what we do, and that is why I need to be more vigilant at staying focused on what matters.

As I’ve been praying about this, a random and funny reminder has popped into my mind. I think God has a sense of humor so it makes sense. There is this interview on Top Gear UK between Jeremy Clarkson and James Blunt, during one of the old news segments, where they are discussing Blunt’s tweets. James Blunt was unafraid to respond to trolls with tongue-in-cheek quips, including one about the smaller size of his Twitter account compared to other celebrities and Blunt responded, “Jesus only needed 12.” That has stuck with me because why do I feel this need to chase more and more exposure to my account and my designs, comparison. If I am supposed to become something and do something bigger than what I am doing, cannot God accomplish that with 460? He can do the impossible with even less. This is where He has me and this is what I feel called to be doing, I need to quit looking to the right and the left and keep moving forward. And honestly, kick the rest of that noise out of my mind for good.

I hope this post isn’t too long-winded or weird. This has been in my heart for a while, and I’m still wrestling with it. I’m beginning to realize that it is going to be a constant battle to stay rooted in the right perspective. Just remember that you are amazing just the way you are and have something to offer no matter how big or small your reach is. None of this social media hustle determines how talented you are, it’s as fickle as confused seas. So keep fighting!

Learning to Wait for Direction

In a previous post, Listening to the Bible App’s Audio Version, I switched up my Bible listening to Bible reading to get out of a rut I was in, and it worked really well! I was crushing chapters upon chapters and fitting in the Word where I could including listening to a book while I got a shower and ready for bed, while I was sewing, etc. It was an effective way to consume a lot of the Bible at once. I realized though that spending time in God’s word and daily time with God is a lot more complex than I realized.

So it is true that I was consuming a lot of the word, I listened to Lamentations in one sitting. Hosea was a quick listen that made some of those destruction chapters a quick fly-through, which helped a lot to get me more familiar with those unknown places in the Bible, a goal I felt God leading me to this whole year. My goal in 2023 is to let God lead me through the Bible and let Him teach me what He wants me to know as life unfolds because sometimes knowing where to go next is overwhelming. The Bible is a large book full of many different kinds of writings, and that is where I got into a slump this fall. I try to listen faithfully but sometimes discerning God’s leading can be tough for me as a human to focus on. I get distracted and wander. As I listened to book after book quickly through my day, I realized I was wandering and not letting Him direct me. My wandering wasn’t a bad thing, but focusing and listening to where He wanted me to study next was going to be greater than what I could lead myself to on my own.

I believe that my biggest takeaway from 2023, is to not distract myself from the bigger thing that He has planned just because there is a good option in front of me. Taking the wrong turn in life is not necessarily an extreme thing, it can be just a divergent path that will still bring good things but may not be the ultimate plan God had for me for my life or just for that day. There is a lot more subtly to it than I understood before, and in doing so I understand that being in the relationship daily and being present keeps my eyes and ears tuned for what He has in store for me.

In typical human fashion though this is a lot harder to accomplish than I believe it to be at face value. Because life happens. Like unexpectedly getting sick during a crappy time of the month and having your schedule all thrown off. When life gets busy and chaotic, I slack on my good-for-me habits, including being present in my relationship with God. And one night last week when I was feeling rather low from being sick, feeling behind on what I needed to do, and wanting to catch a break, that was not happening. I just wanted to feel healthy again, and I thought I was getting better but it was confusing, the symptoms were coming in waves, as was my energy.

Before bed, I felt incredibly discouraged as I had another setback, and I got angry with God. I wanted to know why a health issue I had been working to manage for a few years seemed to be regressing and becoming even more of a concern, I wanted to know why I had to, at that moment, feel so lost and alone. In frustration, I went back downstairs and began to knit instead of sleep. I googled and stitched, looking for answers yet feeling like I was now drowning in information. I felt like crying or freaking out, I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t want to wake my husband or call my mom, not at 1 am. It was then that I got my daily verse notification, like 3 hours off of when it is scheduled to come each day, and this is what it said:

Cast your burden on the Lord,
    and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22 ESV

I was shocked. I was angry at God and yet He was present and reminding me of His faithfulness. That is unlike how we treat each other as humans. It’s unnatural to us but not Him. I could feel His presence so strongly with me and the information I had googled began to sink into my brain instead of swirling around in anxious musings, and I realized my health issue was getting better there was a key part of the process I was misunderstanding but that what I was experiencing was getting back on track. I felt a peace that transcends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

In that moment I understood that I needed to slow down and listen because the answers to my questions and worries were there but I had stopped up my ears in distractions and anger. I’m not good at waiting for directions. I tend to fuss. Reigning that behavior, I’m learning is more important than we know. The instant nature of modernity is clouding my attention to learn to be still. I’m not satisfied to exist in that state of mind.

Do you find it easy to be still and wait for further direction? How have you learned to temper that behavior in your own life?

The Proof of Your Love

Yesterday I was knitting and catching up on Youtube videos when my playlist took an interesting turn. I watched two videos back to back from different creators that touched on the same message, an important message that actually prompted me to think deeply about a TikTok video and its eventual dragging by the internet. Now, I am not a fan of TikTok or TikTok culture. I think that it is changing how we interact in some harmful ways, like encouraging main character syndrome and resurrecting toxic beauty standards, but I am learning to have an open mind because of something key I learned recently that broke my heart.

A lot of people my age and younger don’t feel like they have friends and people they can count on. There is a growing loneliness and a lack of community, even though we are theoretically more connected than ever. I know that I have felt seasons of loneliness crash over me since I became an adult, and there were years when I didn’t feel like I had any friends my own age. But I was never truly alone because I had a community around me and family, I realize now that I’m older and more mature that I was incredibly blessed to have them and that having family and community and friends is not a guarantee.

Even writing that feels unnatural to me, how is being alone the default now when there are 8 billion people on this planet? We are seriously doing something wrong if this is the reality some people are facing and I want to do something about it, but I’m learning that some people think this is a joke and that kills me.

Now, people my age and younger share a lot of their lives on social media, something that is received with mixed reviews from our parents and other people older than us. It is seen as odd, opening ourselves up to trouble, or self-centered which yes, there is a main character syndrome, but honestly is that what Karens do too? So it’s a human problem to do that, exacerbated by social media, but what I learned recently is that people are sharing so much because our friendships are declining or non-existent and the only human connection some of us are receiving at the moment is sharing with our social media friends, who most of the time are people that are more like acquaintances or could be total strangers to us. Our real-life friendships are dissipating into relationships of sending reels back and forth instead of having a conversation, why are we doing this? Because we all live too far away from each other, are too broke to visit each other and for the majority of people, work a 9-5 that is consuming our time and ability to keep up with relationships.

This is where TikTok comes in again, there is a video by a creator named brielleybelly123 that is making the rounds on the internet for her honest emotional breakdown because she is feeling overwhelmed by how lonely her life has become due to her 9-5. She is a recent college grad who is working a 9-5 job that requires hours of commuting. She is far from family, and friends, and the ability to get to know new people. She is community-less and the reality that this is her everyday worries her. This is an incredibly valid feeling to have, I mean who hasn’t been overwhelmed by changes in life? We all have those moments, I did going into high school, college, every new job, and after every move to a new city I’ve made. Actually, my current town is the first place in seven years since moving out of my mom’s house and I have a friend in my town. Like a legit girl friend that I can lean on in good and bad. In those seven years, I’ve also strengthened the long-distance friendships I have with friends from college and childhood, but if I hadn’t been able to keep those relationships going, I’m not certain if I would have any friends. Which is quite bleak to think about.

We are relational beings created to be in community, to be loved, and to love. This morning when I was listening to music, this truth hit me deeply as “The Proof of Your Love” by For King and Country filled my ears.

[Verse 1: Luke]
If I sing but don’t have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don’t have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Verse 2: Luke]
If I give to a needy soul
But don’t have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Bridge]
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it’s all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

[Monologue: Joel]
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day
And if I have faith to say to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing
If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere
So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I’m bankrupt without love

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

The song is based on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 which says “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

What is the point of the 9-5 grind and gaining the world if you lose your humanity in the process? And I would argue that having love is an essential part of our humanity and what makes us keep going. And so I was disturbed by something else I saw before bed last night, that brielleybelly123’s honest cry was being mocked by conservative-leaning people who claim to be believers. I’m sorry but that doesn’t align with scripture. What does align with who God calls us to be is to love your neighbor as yourself, and to serve the widows, the orphans, and the lonely. When Jesus came to live among us, he sought out the outsiders of society, the lonely ones. American exceptionalism belief of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is in direct contradiction to what really matters, God’s plan for how we interact with each other. It is disgusting to me to be honest that people are making whole videos making fun of her, but in the same breath will claim Christ. What is the proof of your love commentators, hm?

Now I’m not saying this is easy, or that we don’t all make mistakes. I literally fall short all the time, but the important thing is that we stay on the road and keep trying so that the proof of our love speaks to something bigger than us.

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