Tag: mental health

#61 – Tornado Sirens and Big Emotions

Before I start, I wanted to add this disclaimer. I’m not against things that are good for the community. Even if they may not be my cup of tea in the moment. I’ve been struggling with all these big emotions swirling in my mind and these weather sirens were like my fear personified. I’m still working through coping tools for my neurodivergent traits and on the tricky days, loud noises are something I really struggle with. They scare me on a bright sunny day, even more so in the middle of impending doom. But I don’t believe for a second that the world should stop everything to address my needs. I am one person that is part of a bigger whole.

As I browsed Behr’s wall of paint colors, I picked up two paint chips one called Tornado Season and another Thundercloud. They are these two vibrant, moody blues. Bold, dark, striking. I took them home, and I even ordered Thundercloud for a project. Bold, impressive blues. Striking. I was struck by the realism on Tuesday as I was staring at the color in the sky. Coming for me. Enveloping me in the deep, dark blue. It was a blue that would permeate and color my skies longer than the storm would.

Tuesday was a complicated day. It began sunny, cooler, just fine. Mid-morning brought gentle rumbles of thunder that growled across the sky. The clouds darkened and night became day. It reminded me of the eclipse. Rain poured and the wind blew like a tropical depression that came through on our OBX vacation in 2012. The rain was endless, relentless. No big crashing thunder and no violent storms, just the relentless power of water-like waves breaking up on the coastline. You can’t control the tide and you can’t stop the rain.

The morning rain was the most intense rainstorm of the day, yet as thunder rolled again in the afternoon and the skies were brighter with lighter rain and gentler thunder, the local college in town sounded their emergency broadcast sirens. They either sound after the storm is upon us and it is too late to seek shelter or after the big storm has gone through, or my favorite after the storm has been downgraded so that you begin to question your sanity. I live ten blocks away at least from this college and I heard the siren and broadcaster over my headphones in my sewing room. These sirens are loud, intrusive, and in my opinion, are not helping when they go off at the wrong time.

As a person that is sensitive to loud noises, I struggle with these alert systems. The sirens go on and on and create a sense of panic in my brain from the cadence and noise. The storm was over but the alert kept going on. I appreciate the purpose and message of what they are trying to do with these alerts but they are so poorly managed that they are a nuisance. But the cherry on top of the cake was what came at 5 pm. My phone and older phone, which I use for music, along with my husband’s phone began to emit their own sirens. Three sirens went on and on as we had a severe storm alert, a tornado warning, and a tornado watch. Each time a small change was made to the watch or warning, being extended by 5 minutes, they would go off again.

The radar showed nothing. The skies were fine. Then the radar showed the storm clearly going in the opposite direction of our location. Yet the sirens continued from the phones. Next the warning expired and then our town’s tornado sirens began to ring out. It was over the concerning storm cell was going north, yet they carried on with the tornado siren. I held my hands to my ears and tried not to cry from the cacophony of noise that was building with no clear end. I understand they were trying to save lives, and I am not against the good of the community, but again the application of the tornado sirens after it was over, was distressing and confusing. There was so much confusion.

The sirens rang their final call and silence settled in. The sky to the north and the sky to the south were striking. The south was sunny and partly cloudy with white and silver puffy clouds. The sky to the north was a color I remembered. Thundercloud. It was dark but it was passing us by. I began to make dinner now that we were being told everything was fine. The water bubbled on the stove with pasta. Tornado Season. The sky to the north became as dark as the night with an eerie green tinge. The air was still, eerily still. I asked my husband if we were back in a tornado watch or warning. He said there was no new alert. Nothing. Nada.

No tornado sirens. Nothing. No emergency alert from my phone or the college. Tornado Season and Ocean Abyss clear as day in the clouds coming in like the tide. I began to make pesto uncertain if dinner would be served or if the alerts, the broadcasts, and the forecasting, were all about to serve us a surprise like none other. That deep gut feeling of something being wrong came. The clouds painted the sky above a color closer the Midnight Blue and the rain surged down. Thunder, lightning, wind. Power flickering. Big emotions flooding my mind. The alerts sounding in the quiet moments made everything scarier, there had been no pressure let off and instead it heightened the sensations like a horror movie frames a jump scare. The uncertainty of the sirens saying one thing and the sky another.

I’ve never experienced a day like that before. I’m so grateful that no one got hurt. No funnel touched down. Personally, I know I was overstimulated, and panicked by my own issues with the sirens, but more importantly, overwhelmed by the alarm sounds echoing throughout my personal life at the same time.

This year has been a series of big alarm bells. It started with my landlord telling us to purchase the house we were renting over appraisal price or get out of the hoops of buying a house impromptu. We’ve had some bumps along the road like car issues, a fridge dying, an air conditioner breaking, our homeowner’s insurance dropping us on the age of our house, etc. There’s been a lot of change and a lot of new financial responsibilities that are a privilege and an adjustment. But what is expressly weighing on me is my mom’s health right now. Some strange things are going on that the doctors can’t seem to prescribe a treatment plan for. Until we get to the bottom of this, I’m pretty scared. Like a constant tornado siren is hovering in the back of my mind. I’m not sleeping well because of it and all the change in general, and my fuse is short. So the well-meaning chaos of those weather alerts and emergency broadcasts ringing through the air, piled on top of the internal maelstrom I’m sailing through.

I’m thinking about my grandparents and their passing. Family history and health problems are creeping in my mind making large shadow monsters of worry. My mom and I have always been a thing. The divorce really bonded us together and the thought of her being really sick and the doctors not knowing how to fix it is freaking me out. I haven’t worried like this before. There has always been a simple explanation for any health issues she’s had. The way it makes me feel out of control and terrified. My mind is so loud right now. I miss my mind being quiet. That’s what I wish for amid those storms. To not feel impending doom from every level. It was quite a chaotic day. But who knew Behr’s paint was spot on?

Proverbs 31 – The Lady Who Is Not Well Explained

In early 2024, I read through the book of Proverbs and planned to share more of my study, but this year, I’ve been feeling imposter syndrome about sharing what I’m reading and what God is teaching me. I’m not sure why either because I love cataloging my notes from my reading and sharing them here for whoever would like to read them. I enjoy a good book discussion and I want to see how my understanding of books, like books in the Bible, changes over time as I re-read passages and gain deeper knowledge of the text.

I’ve been doing this with Pride and Prejudice and other Jane Austen stories through a podcast/YouTube channel creator named Ellie Dashwood, who I’ve mentioned before. I’ve been watching through her historical videos which explore fascets of Regency Era England to bring greater context to the characters of Jane Austen’s works of literature. I think the combination of a video I watched following what Elizabeth Bennet’s life would be like as the lady of Pemberley and a recent video by With Love, Kristina brought me back to Proverbs 31 and the woman described. It’s a bit of a web, but I’ll explain.

In Ellie’s video, she walks the viewer through what it would be like to be a Regency-era lady of a large estate like Pemberley, which is a pretty fascinating thing to consider because we don’t learn a lot about this period in history classes! What we as the viewers learn is that Lizzie would have a rather full day. It’s honestly much busier than I ever thought because history tends to paint women in a few scant roles like wife or mother, object of desire, or damsel in distress. It’s frustrating because we aren’t that different from people of the past and it doesn’t make sense to me why women would be so lacking in life and personality until 1900’s?

I thought Lizzie would be a lady forced to read and not take long walks, as she so enjoys, and have to take turns about the room with Caroline Bingley. But actually, being the mistress of Pemberley gave her a lot of jobs to do. Like Cora in Downton Abbey, Elizabeth would be in charge of the house such as making sure it was running smoothly, would be in charge of entertaining, etc. Lizzie would also be in charge of running the budget of the house to keep their expenses within their means.

Pemberley is a large estate in Darbyshire, therefore they would have tenants and Elizabeth would make social calls as part of her role as mistress of Pemberley. It was part of building a good community. As the family with the most money and resources, they were to take care of their tenants, as lady bountiful she would call on the poor and the sick and bring them food from their table. They would also have people staying at Pemberley and balls which would be hosted at the estate that Elizabeth would be in charge of planning.

I could tell from watching the video that Ellie put a lot of research into discovering what a lady of the gentile class’ life would look like. I think it sounds like a much more fulfilling role than I imagined, especially with the income disparities of the time, I was happy to learn that if the family who held an estate like Pemberley were good people the poor and the sick would be taken care of as well as the staff, like we see in Downton Abbey.

How does this connect to the video I was watching the other day, from With Love, Kristina’s channel? She mentioned the woman in Proverbs 31 but challenged me to dig deeper than the trite “Proverbs 31 woman” stereotype that gets peddled around Christian women content on social media. I was quite pleased to hear what she reminded me of because it reminded me a bit of the Mistress of Pemberley as well as what life looks like as a 2024 woman.

Kristina is a full-time YouTube creator and fiction author who is also a stay-at-home mom with five kids. In a lot of her videos, she discusses the intentionality and work it takes to find a balance between all these roles. She is incredibly down-to-earth and that is why I find myself sticking around on her channel when she is not talking about vintage fashion, writing, neurodivergence, or vintage cleaning routines because I don’t have five kids, I don’t have any kids, but her real-life perspective and authenticity teach me things that I wouldn’t know otherwise and I find common ground where I didn’t expect it.

In the video that sparked me to write this post, she was discussing the outside opinions viewers share in the comments about how lucky she is to be just a wife and just a stay-at-home mom, and what she shared I connected with. My husband and I share labor, as I have transitioned in lockdown from bringing in income from my full-time job to pivoting towards a new path, my role changed. Since I temporarily couldn’t provide financially anymore for our lives, I wanted to take a more active role in the unpaid domestic labor that makes life happen. I became much more serious about housekeeping and cooking because it made me incredibly uncomfortable to not contribute financially. It was a struggle actually to let him fully take that role, something I continually struggle with and strive to change because that’s who I am.

I’ve had people in my life treat me like a spoiled brat who doesn’t want to work or got saved from working by my husband like I’m a kept woman and this truly irks me. It irks me how people in my life can’t see that paid or unpaid, domestic labor is work and also on top of that, I am working to build something for myself through knitting and sewing which is still in process. But just because I don’t have that “job” or typical career anymore, my time is devalued and seen as me “playing all day with my crafts” not spending 8 hours a day doing domestic labor and my own work on Instagram, the blog, and my current projects. It hurts but I can’t make people see things differently than how they want to see them.

This is where the Proverbs 31 woman stereotype came in, after I was laid off a few people in my life brought up the Proverbs 31 woman as my new role model from the season I was in being unemployed and just a wife. I could just “wife” like her and have kids and make my little crafts and donate to charities and be a woman of good moral character that is secondary to her husband. That’s what the Proverbs 31 woman is. But she’s not that actually if you read the text, and Kristina reminded me of this.

The Proverbs 31 woman works and has a successful income all on her own. She buys land with the money she earns and contributes to her family’s finances through her work spinning wool and flax into textiles. She is a wife, a mom, an artisan, and a lady bountiful with whom she shares her blessings with her community. She is a fully developed character with a big life. A woman that I can connect with and I think most women today will as well. She is not the watered-down version I see on social media that is mostly clothed in dignity and grace like good things just came to her because she is special. It’s not about health and wealth gospel and faith in God providing you with three wishes like Aladdin.

I think it’s a shame that we are under-explaining her in the Christian bubble to create engagement and sell people a fake sense of Biblical feminity. I love studying literature and seeing that women are not NPCs and haven’t always been NPCs. Women are an active part of the storyline. Both inside and outside of the Christian bubble, we should be able to agree on this and, sadly, it isn’t always the case. How much more could we be supporting each other if we realized this? How much stronger could our communities be? And how could this bring light to overwhelm modern-day women are experiencing?


Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
—
 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31:11-24, 31 NIV

#60 – Two Red-Crowned Cranes

Recently I was sitting on my back porch on a warm July evening, watching the clouds shift and shape with the dance of the sun as their leader. They began the descent of sunset. The sky was painted with the colors of nightly splendor. A hint of pink and purple with the rays of light bending towards slumber with wide swaths of bright blue, white fluffy clouds, and trailing puffs of gray and slate.

It was one of those sights that change before your eyes without your eyes perceiving a change has happened. All of a sudden the sky was different, a variation of beauty next as the clouds drifted across its heavenly path.

A sudden change in the air pulled me out of the scene. A sound. A ruffle of wings. The pure speed of the flight. Usually, a fast-moving shape in the sky means a single goose or a group of Canadian Geese. You can hear them from their honking call. This was silent aside from the wings as they flapped in stride.

It was a pair of red-crowned cranes flying low across my yard onward back to their home, the open-air aviary of Keystone Safari in the next town over. These cranes are native to the Korean peninsula. I recognized them firstly, from viewing them at the wildlife park, but from the cover of the ‘ATE’ album.

I learned that they are a popular motif in Korean art, symbolizing longevity, purity, and peace. In Korean, they are called durumi or hak. Interestingly, they are found often in the DMZ between North and South Korea’s borders. They are a stunningly elegant bird to watch in flight, and fast! In an instant, they were a few yards from me and then they were gone.

The red-crowned cranes are native to Korea but that is not the only place they are found, their range continues into East Russia, into China, and has been found in Japan’s northern island of Hokkaido. I certainly wasn’t expecting to see them in my little corner of the world on that peaceful night but what an honor it was to see such a beautiful animal so close.

That’s becoming one of my favorite features of my house, the backyard is so quiet and peaceful. I can sit there throughout the day and depending on what time of day I see rabbits, birds, chipmunks, squirrels, bats, etc just doing their thing. I feel such peace and contentment. It’s like a reset of my mind.

Moments of K-Pop: Summer 2024

  1. Chk Chk Boom Music Video featuring guest appearances by Hugh Jackman as Wolverine and Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool.
  2. Ryan Reynolds created a pre-movie short that played at certain theaters before Deadpool & Wolverine that showcased moments of his friendship with Stray Kids, including the confirmation that he planned to have them in the movie but had to nix it due to scheduling conflicts.
  3. Skz Code 57 & 58 (Go! Poolside) in the pool with special water sports challenges and a guest appearance of Han Jisung’s unexpected water athletics and a water-logged ferret, Hyunjin.
  4. NASA shared a photo of a supernova with K-pop references and puns including Chk Chk Boom, su-su-su-supernova, and Red Velvet as it was Cosmic.
  5. Dance challenges with NCT 127 and Stray Kids at MBC Kpop.
  6. Felix learns sign language before hanging out with Big Ocean the first hard of hearing Kpop boy group. They do a dance challenge together and Felix writes them a letter.
  7. Marvel Korea brings Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds, Bang Chan, and Felix together for a promotional interview.
  8. Ateez Toward the Light Tour begins in the United States. At the Arlington, TX show at Global Life Field the Texas Rangers create Ateez personalized jerseys and baseballs.
  9. Hongjoong interactions with Atiny and their phones at concert meet and greets.
  10. Donatella shared highlights of Stray Kids at the I-Days music festival in Milan like a proud auntie.
  11. Ryan Reynolds photoshopping moments from Stray Kids’ music video Megaverse into a promo for Deadpool & Wolverine
  12. MTV interviewer asking if the OST for Deadpool & Wolverine featuring NSYNC, The Platters, Waylon Jennings, Patsy Cline, and Stray Kids is just a long con for Hugh and Ryan to join a K-pop group. Ryan and Hugh declare their band will be Stray Old Men.
  13. Hulu announcing that subscribers can stream Lollapalooza in Chicago meaning I can watch the Killers and Stray Kids since the tickets sold out at once.
  14. Jin returned from military service.
  15. An Old English scholar translating the chorus from Work by Ateez into old English under a bardcore Ateez meme.

Looking to the Future

This July has been the first time I’ve recognized that feeling of time passing. The year is halfway over, what do I want to do with these last six months to finish the year strong?

In May, I felt like my life was done, as I knew it. Like a video game, I was done, out of hearts, out of health, game over. June felt like an exciting adventure and a respawn of my little game character in a new environment but the same life. It was thrilling and overwhelming at times, there was so much to catch up on and so much to do to begin our life in our house. July however has been this month of my brain feeling like it is in hyperspeed. Now that I have a new space to create, I also have new creative energy. That two-month break spent packing, moving, and waiting, was like a creative refresh and since then July has been a sprint.

I think some of this wild energy has been all the excitement of this month as part of the STAY fandom, this has truly been a one-of-a-kind comeback, but also I’ve been seeking distraction. My mom is walking through a health condition that came out of nowhere and in a matter of a few weeks she went from my companion packing boxes to being unable to do much physical activity without her body sending off alarm bells. I’ve never seen her like this before, and if I stop to think about it too much, I freak out.

I’ve turned my attention to what the second half of the year could bring. There have been so many wonderful things on the horizon, my friend’s wedding, my sister-in-law’s new place, Kyle’s new woodshop, the possibility of adopting a rabbit from E.A.R.S, Shakerwoods, the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival, apple picking, Pumpkinville, etc. I’ve begun planning Christmas presents for loved ones, trying to be more ambitious than ever to push myself to learn something new in the process. I’ve also been feeling the itch to actually sell my pieces. I think it’s time, I just have to figure out where and how.

Advertising That Promotes A Lack of Community as “Aspirational”

What bothers you and why?

There’s been this WhatsApp advertisement that has been popping up everywhere on my radar that just irks me a bit, well it’s starting to a lot the more I see it. On the surface, it seems like a harmless payday for the former stars of Modern Family to reprise their roles for a quick ad about a family group chat. But the more I watch the more I dissect in my mind and the story has a wild thesis that reflects life.

If you haven’t seen this ad, it has two stories one follows Phil Dunphy switching to an Android phone which destroys the Dunphy family group chat, the one lifeline they have to keep the relationship with adult kids alive, and as a result, everything is ruined until, they discover WhatsApp and the kids magically start talking to their parents again.

The second story features Mitch switching to an Android phone which causes Cam, Phil, and Claire to create a group chat without Mitch because his non-Apple phone is turning the chat green and not allowing them to use all the in-messaging features of their iPhones. Mitch is hurt and it is clearly played off as no big deal. WhatsApp saves the day as Mitch is brought back into the group before getting a new phone to communicate with his family.

Isn’t this wild? Like who would do that to their family members? Wait, this reminds me of being added to so many WhatsApp group chats instead of texting because I was one of the two Android phone people on my Dad’s side of the family. I thought it was so weird that we couldn’t just text…and that my brother with the Android was the only one who texted back. Oh my, it is like life.

Now weird family baggage aside, isn’t this a bizarre concept for an ad? Like in these days of hyper-division and our individualist culture, why are we creating a justification, even in jest, that it is okay to exclude a loved one from a group chat because a person chose one phone developer over another? That’s super weird. Especially for a communication app, it’s a bit crap to be honest.

Consumerism rearing its ugly head once again, is not a surprise, but can it leave our already lonely, friendship recession American culture alone? I get Meta wants to push their product and that Apple likes to promote exclusivity in their marketing but dang, this ad just bugs me. Especially with the addition of the characters of Modern Family, like, I’m sure the marketing team wasn’t thinking this deeply, but it feels like an unintentional commentary on society. Like is this the actual “modern family” in 2024 and if so can we turn this car around?

I sure hope not, but there are a lot of lonely people out there who are not being loved and cared for the way that they should be and as a culture, I think we need more connection, more ways to be a part of something. I know this is just a silly advertisement that will be done and forgotten in a few months, but what about the sentiment of division in the US? It’s not getting any better here, the events of July 13, 2024, certainly show that. And in Butler, PA, no less, not too far from here. That was eye-opening to see how the hate that is steeping under the surface is in all communities, even mine. It’s a problem we all need to take seriously.

People are getting less connected all the time, and I believe it is leaving us vulnerable to hurt, feelings of bitterness, and going through life not being able to live with purpose and love. We were created to be part of a community. We need friends, loved ones, and unconditional love. All this technology and consumerism is just creating more barriers to true connection and feelings of belonging than the ways that they improve our lives. Technology does make life easier, but it’s a toss-up for me if my life is truly that much better because I have a Samsung phone, and a Chromebook, and AI exists. You know what I mean?

I’m grateful for those moments with real people that happen offline. Like laughing so hard at a TV show with Kyle that our stomachs actually hurt. Sitting around a fire at a family friend’s house, watching a sunset and making smores and mountain pies in the fire, where time feels like it literally is standing still and I could be in 2024 or 2004. I think that’s what we need more of.

We need more people. More moments that bring joy, warmth, and memories. More core memories with people, connecting points, it doesn’t have to be special or expensive, just meaningful to you and your people.

#58 – My Favorite Summer Weather

As I was thinking about this post this scene from Miss Congeniality popped into my head because I feel like what I am about to write sounds a bit like Rhode Island and that’s okay because it gives me a good laugh.

There is this amazing breeze today, fresh, clean, not humid air that I haven’t felt in over a month, and yet on these days I feel like I’m in a portal of memory. One of my favorite things about living in Pennsylvania and a climate with four seasons is that the weather changes. Quite often actually. We get cold fronts that scream across Ohio and things change in a few hours and I love it. Especially in the height of summer, when I’m burnt out on the bright sun, humidity, and heat waves. We get one of those cold fronts, like we did yesterday and the humidity clears, the sky changes and the leaves turn over and instead of storming it looks like fall.

It feels like fall in the middle of July! Instead of dangerous storms, we get gentle rain. The clouds in their kaleidoscope gray and purple changes the light to that spooky vibe of a cozy Halloween movie. It refreshes me.

It brings me back to some of my favorite summer memories. Such as the feeling of being 17 at my summer job at Geneva College on their Paint Crew, after a stretch of painting in muggy, non-air-conditioned dorms, when finally a storm breaks through and the cold front brings this melodic rain and I watch it from inside Memorial Hall. The lighting is so spooky, it’s hard to see what I’m cutting in but I feel alive in the cool breeze. I can’t wait to walk home in the rain!

The breeze coming through the windows of my home today reminded me of the sweetness of the summer air that I used to smell at my friend Cailee’s house as a kid. They always had the windows open in the summer. As I walked into my bedroom to grab a pair of socks, I could swear I was on the second-floor landing about the help Cailee clean her room again before she got grounded. Four Harry Potter books were strewn across the floor, the first movie had just come out. Like magic, I’m 8 years old again.

What’s your ideal calendar date? Is there a certain moment from summer or a change in the weather that transports back to childhood?

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#57 – Home

Two months later, I’d say I’m finally settling back into a home again. As I get used to this new place, this unexpected blessing, these have been some of my favorite views. First off is the view out of my sewing room into the backyard. I like the trees, the green, the sky. It reminds me of where we used to live in Meadville before things went sideways. Moving to our current town, I liked the safety, like Stars Hollow, but the townies and their tightly wound suburban ways were not my vibe. Seeing all this green instead of houses, cars, etc, it’s just more chill, and because of that it is slowly becoming one of my favorite sites.

Secondly, is the sight of this pegboard organizer hung up and filled with sewing notions and little hints of K-pop. I’ve been waiting since Christmas 2021 to hang this up, and our house has the right kind of walls to support it. Packing up my K-pop posters and sewing tools was the saddest part of moving. I felt like I was packing up part of myself, not to be dramatic, but you know when you find something you are so passionate about and it becomes an extension of yourself? Making clothes has become that part of me. Seeing all my tools back, ready to create, it feels like home.

The third has been painting. Painting has been something we’ve wanted the chance to do again for years now, but not as a job, painting for ourselves. When Kyle and I met painting at our local colleges was our summer job and since graduating, it’s been less and less of a thing in our lives. But the act of cutting in and rolling walls is so nostalgic! I’ve wanted to go bold if I got the chance to make a house my own and this green did not disappoint me. Excited to see how the rest of the room pulls together once we’re done painting, and actually how the whole house does eventually once we paint it all. That will be a process.

Before
After

Fourth is this view from my kitchen and front porch. I love sunsets and the previous rental had obscured views from the crowded block. I’m happy to be a bit less incorporated so that the beautiful sun as it dips lower and lower in the sky can show us its vivid splendor in the sky. With these few little moments, this house is starting to feel like home and I am incredibly grateful.

To Bridget, Just As She Is: Accepting My Neurodivergence

One of my favorite scenes from Bridget Jones’ Diary is the dinner party at Bridget’s flat where she makes the blue soup and assorted congealed things. Despite the chaos and mishaps where she is authentically herself, Bridget’s friends and Mark Darcy toast her effort – “To Bridget…who we love…just as she is.”

In many ways, I identify with Bridget. I am a chaos monster who tries my hardest to not mess up, yet I do. I am a bit awkward, a bit of a goofball, I often feel out of place with who I think I should be compared to who I am if I am just myself. I spent most of my twenties trying to be someone I was not because I thought I needed to change to fit in. I wanted to succeed in life and my relationships, without getting to the root of why I felt like a weirdo.

Self-Reflection and Seeking Wise Counsel

I mentioned before that I discovered I was neurodivergent this spring because of the eclipse. I see now how poignant that timing was as my life would transform from April to July. Everything changed overnight, like everything, my relationship with my parents, my marriage, my living situation, my mental health, and the current direction of my life.

All for the better I can say with relief because life doesn’t always go that way. I see now that if I hadn’t been prepared for this season of life, things may not have changed for the better, my life could be in shambles instead.

Being unaware of my neurodivergent personality traits, caused me to feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, and in a place of survival instead of feeling steady, relaxed, and open to the adventures life has for us. Changes seemed unbearable. Trust unthinkable. Faith was hard to find. I fought it, resisted letting go of control, and let God fully take the lead of what I was worried about.

Unbeknownst to me as to why I would need to brush up on wisdom, I felt led to study Proverbs at the beginning of 2024, and through this study, I was challenged to grow and broaden my approach to how I live life. To seek out wisdom, to prepare for things before they come in faith, to be fruitful with my time, and to guard my heart and mind from toxic patterns.

It was not an easy task, I really like wasting time and worrying about things that I can’t control. I can also be a negative person, instead of focusing on things that are positive and helpful, I’d circle down spirals of negative, snarky, toxicity. This kept me from seeing forgiveness, and being a cooperative person in my relationships, and made me too afraid to step out on faith for what God was planning for me. I needed to renew my mind!

God putting neurodivergence on my heart to look into opened so many doors, I see now, to understanding myself, my relationships, and what I truly want out of life. So as chaos descended in April, I was incredibly thankful that God went ahead of me and gave me such tools of understanding to navigate the big and scary things that were on the horizon.

Fights and Communication

A week before I learned that I was going to need a buy a house or move, my mom and I had a terrible fight. Like a really strange unavoidable fight like we were two asteroids on a crash course with each other.

At the time I was hurting and confused but through the fight, we actually accomplished huge milestones in communication. We placed new healthy boundaries and were brave enough to be honest with each other about what we needed. I was honest about my neurodivergence afterward because of the new safe space we created.

I didn’t know at the time but I had needed that safe space for a long time, over a decade, and I was going to need it immediately as my life was going to be in upheaval with the move and house-buying process.

Having my mom as my confidant, my buddy, and my raft in stormy seas, was exactly what I needed. It was incredible. From chaos to order. That’s how God works.

In the same way, understanding my neurodivergence helped me draw closer to Kyle, finally being able to communicate what I needed and how we could work together and support each other more effectively. It was something we were going to need to be able to work in sync to determine what we were going to do. If we planned to rent a new place or purchase a house, and if so, where? I can see now how all these little things were woven together to make these steps in faith easier because I sought out wisdom and prepared before the trial came.

Bridget, Just as She is

When things got tough, chaotic, and tricky for me to navigate as a highly sensitive person, neurodivergent, and struggling to navigate the change without feeling overstimulated and scared, I didn’t have to explain how I was feeling. Kyle, my mom, and Scott my dad were one step ahead and ready to catch me as I stumbled. Most importantly God was with me every step of the way, and it was incredible to feel His love through the people around me.

As we moved through the process, the move, the closing, the navigating the weird limbo between renting and buying, the move-in, etc. This wonderful, gentle landing place was there for me through the love of my family and friends and around me, the sensitivity toward what I needed. They made me feel loved and worthy through my vulnerable moments, encouraged me when I was feeling low, and comforted me when this world felt too big and too much for me.

I am forever grateful for this journey because I feel secure like I’m on solid ground again. I don’t feel like a weirdo anymore that needs to change to succeed. I feel ready for this world. Okay with who I am and not afraid to be myself because I am a little different.

I have accepted myself for who God created me to be, differences and all. My loved ones have reinforced this. I see this came together so seamlessly because I first sought wisdom, which helped me figure out what I needed from my relationships, and most importantly I learned to give my loved ones a chance to be there for me.

Letting people in is hard. It can also be incredibly rewarding. So is taking the time to encourage, accept, and support people who you love. When a community comes together, amazing things truly do happen, even on the smallest scale.

I challenge you to seek out wise counsel, self-reflection, and healthy boundaries, and find the people who love you just as you are. Be brave and let people see the real you. Be even more brave and support others, a random act of kindness goes a long way! For example on Saturday, my mom reached out and held my hand when we were in a big crowd. That small gesture reminded me that all the overstimulation I was feeling, was temporary and it was going to be okay.

Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. ❤

Candlesticks

I find inspiration abundant when I am at home, my “home” home. The way my mom decorates brings me happiness! From the colors to the textures, it is a layered cake. There are some pieces that are quite old and have lived full lives before they found their way here. Others have a story, a memory attached that I think of, or a purchase memory itself, on one of our many mother-daughter outings as a kid. As I look forward to the future of decorating my own house, the warmth, and joy I feel being here is something I cherish and hope to instill into the new home we are about to settle into.

Candlesticks of glass, metal, and wood drawn in pencil and oil pastel on paper.

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