Tag: inspire

I Found A Local Yarn Store!

sheep in a field

If you have been following my blog this year, you will know that I was feeling a bit frustrated, that I didn’t have a local yarn store to turn to after Joann closed – but that’s no longer the case! I found a local shop thanks to the Yarn Discovery Tour of North Eastern Ohio. How wonderful is that!

As a Western Pennsylvania resident, it was a little bit of a drive, but not too far to visit the lovely Three Sheep Gallery and Workshop of Boardman, Ohio. This yarn shop had so much for me and my mom to check out – spinning wheels, weaving looms, yarn brands galore, project kits, needles, hooks, etc. I picked up a sock kit with a superwash merino and nylon blend fingering weight yarn that is self-striping. I was excited to try this sock kit because it came with a free pattern from Urth Yarns. This sock pattern has been full of surprises, some good and some challenging. It is a toe-up sock pattern, based on traditional Turkish sock design.

I’ve never made a toe-up sock before, I’m excited to learn new techniques, but here is where I am struggling. I bought double-pointed needles, on recommendation for sock knitting, and they are wonderful needles, but dang, the combo of a new sock technique and new tools has been frustrating. I’m getting laddering on the sock every time I start over, and I feel a bit on the edge of tears because these needles were expensive – 21 USD! On top of the sock kit for 29 USD for 100 grams of yarn and a PDF pattern. I feel a lot of pressure, from my own mind, because I was not paying attention to the price and feel like I made a mistake, but I need to remember that new skills take time. With patience and practice, the skill will come in time.

The second project I purchased was a scarf kit with two yarn hanks of worsted weight wool and a pattern from Urth Yarns, that my mom also purchased so we will have matching scarves! I’m so excited. The biggest blessing of this day was the opportunity to share what I love with my mom, my Scott, and my Kyle. I am truly grateful for all that these guys did to make this a great day of bonding for my mom and I, and for the four of us. It’s been a heavy few weeks after losing our beloved Sully, and getting a day to explore a new yarn store, learn about weaving, and getting to meet the lovely owner of Three Sheep was a bright spot after days of gray.

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Drafting Shortalls from Scratch

Did you know, that through simple measurements,  reference photos, and a few tools, you can draft your own clothes? Not just a t-shirt or a circle skirt, but big projects!

That’s how I have made some of my most ambitious projects, no patterns required!

What is Pattern Drafting?

A pattern can be easily made with a tape measure, pencil, and the key places to measure. For my overalls, I was most concerned with the width of the bib, the length of the rise from the top of the bib to the crotch curve, the width of the hip from the center of your body to the end of your hip. You can also measure the circumference of your hips but I think having separate measurments for the front of the pants compared to the back of the pants. The back is usually wider.

For the overalls, I worked in four pieces. Front left, front right, back right, and back left. To do this I marked out the front left and front right on the fabric, accounting for the crotch seam which is part of the leg. I added a 2-3 inches to the width of the hip measurement of each of the four pieces to make the curve with my french curve.

When planning pants, keep in mind that you don’t need as much inseam as you think to make shorts. What you will need is a long rise because you can always cut more, so be cautious and double check the measurments of your rise.

Now for the bib, the top portion of the overalls, I plotted the width of the bib above the pants portion and with pencil I carefully drew a tapered curve upward. I cut this extra long to have excess fabric to fold over to make the facing. This fabric is like a lining for the top of the bib, the part you are most likely to see.

Always use pencil or a tailors chalk and take your time. Using a mock up fabric is a great idea to get the cut right. After repeating this for both front pieces, remember to adjust the width of the hip for the seat of your pants, all while remembering to account for the french curve line of the inseam.

After cutting all for pieces you will need to set aside fabric for pockets, I added 5 to mine. A bib pocket, two side-front pockets, and two back pockets. You will need fabric for the straps, measure accordingly based on the height of the bib, over your shoulder and to the back bib, remembering to add more length to tie.

Next is scrap scavenging! You will need small pieces for the loops to tie the straps around on the front bib. This will call for two loops. You will also need bias tape sized pieces to finish the edges of the overalls on the bib. Finally, save some fabric for the button flies on either side of the overall legs to help you get in and out of the garment.

It’s a lot of information to sift through but I hope this small tutorial will help you sew overalls if you wish with free instructions. I will be following up with a second post that explains the order of operation, to make sense of all these pieces, to help these fabric pieces transform into a wearable garment you can enjoy!

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Apathy and Fear – The Worst Cocktail

It drifts in, like a high pressure system. Clouds stratify, and all seems well. We don’t know that the pallid tone maybe the one that may drain the life from us, until we are as pale as a corpse.

Apathy. The silent assassin that numbs the senses to right and wrong. A comfortable sweater of indifference to our worries, we check out. But it doesn’t just numb us to what hurts us, it numbs us to all things, even joy. Disassociating will not make what is weighing on you better. Choosing to be a part of the background, to escape the foreground and its perils, is not going to rescue your mind from the monsters waging war. Because that is what apathy does, it makes you forget that you are making a choice not to care, and makes you feel like the world is victimizing you, when instead, this path you chose, yourself.

Fear. It’s powerful. It motivates us like nothing else, because no matter what is going right in our life, the looming fear of our mortality and of the inescapable henchman named pain will get us in the end. There is nothing that can change that. It eats at us, not knowing when the bad will come. Fear isolates. Fear keeps us closed off in suburbs. Fear drives a big SUV, that is 6 feet off the ground, in a tank that blocks from view the child you are about to run over. Fear, closes off communities from connection, to protect us from the unknown devil living next door. Paranoia holds us at arms length. The faces we see everyday, can’t be trusted. Fear will keep us safe. Fear is gerrymandering a map to neutralize the unknown, to grasp at the concept of control, before the phantom slips through our fingers. Fear censors history, because it is too weak to look at the failings of our ancestors.

I’ve seen fear and apathy take good people and turn them into feckless sycophants to the current guard. I’ve seen money and security divide us, when connection would save us. And now, I’ve witnessed first hand how easy people are swayed, and it sickens me, even a trusted friend can fall to its charisma. I’ve now seen first hand, the cleverness of fear and apathy to destroy compassion, moral truth, and justice for the chance to be saved. For the sake of the job. Comfort, instead of doing what is right. I always wondered why people in the past let dictators and evil groups turn their necks to ignore genocide and racism, but heck, even those you think are good, will trade it all for a coin. We are fallen, flawed humans, with a penchant for destruction, war, and hate. I don’t want to see another good one fall prey to the evil of the shadows, because they are in pain.

It’s ironic how we have been too arrogant in my culture to believe we could not fall as far as those of the past. We have progressed past those silly people of yore. Too long have ignored the power of an individualistic culture and problematic policies which seek to isolate, and haughtily believed would not get us one day.

Apathy and Fear. Don’t drink from their cup. We must cling to empathy, even on the days the weight of the world feels like it is going to break us in half. It wants to but it can’t because love conquers all things. Fear is a liar. It spends its time creating shadows that loom above, but will always disappear in the light. It’s not easy to care. But it is important that we stay the course in love, in empathy, and refuse let go of ethics. For without those, what do we have other than a mortal bag of bones and a never ending hamster wheel?

#76 – Boredom in 2025

The biggest trend I think I’ve seen this year is the sentiment that everything feels boring right now. Whether it is fashion, film, or books, the art of storytelling is supposedly dead. This phenomenon has even crept into my unpredictable and exciting world of K-pop, and up until yesterday, I’d say I agreed. But as I sit here, I would like to put forth a different thesis.

Escapism from the Super Massive Blackhole

What if everything feels boring because you are running on empty? This year was the first time since discovering K-pop in 2022 that I felt bored and indifferent to my favorite bands. Some of this was due to outside forces beyond my control, like controversies, military service, and straight-up evil in the case of Taeil. Yet, some of this boredom, I believe, was caused by how much I was leaning on these safe spaces to find joy when nothing felt joyful or safe. There has been a constant pulse of uncertainty, like tectonic tremors, making us all question the point of it all. There is such a dreary air. A hopelessness, especially in people my age and younger, who are not able to reach milestones due to broken systems. Since I discovered the band Stray Kids, I run to their music for a safe place. But in 2025, I had stretches of time where even SKZ had no appeal. I had listened to every release over and over again until even their most addictive tracks had no appeal. I couldn’t believe how much I was craving a new album until a week before Karma released. As the week progressed, I could feel a hunger for a happy distraction. This year has been the first time my usual pick-me-ups have felt numb, and I wonder if one prong of this boredom we seem to be feeling isn’t coming from this exact situation.

To be honest, I think this could be why K-pop Demon Hunters exploded in popularity; it was new and fun when things seemed darker than ever. Same thing with Twice and their Lollapalooza performance, it was a night where everything felt normal for a second.

Have I Entertained You?

This attention economy is reminding me of that iconic line from Gladiator, and I don’t like what it is doing to art, music, storytelling, fashion, all of it. There is no room to reflect and craft something beautiful. We are pushing things too fast. I’ve been reflecting on this for a while. I see commentary on trends, relating to fashion, which usually goes something like – there is nothing new, everything and nothing is trending, yada, yada, yada. Sprinkle in a bit about clothing quality from the past, and the brain rot of the algorithm, which is killing creativity and subcultures because of a curated vitality. Like it’s a beast unleashed upon modernity, instead of stopping to think critically about it.

It’s obvious after some consideration that making things for vitality is not the same as making something to stand the test of time. Modern romance novels are being created for TikTok vitality first, and quickly, to keep up with the lazy decision of publishing houses to invest in AI over true writers. We blame the current author pool for a lack of creativity instead of holding publishing houses accountable for ruining their reputation through unethical practices. Because, truly, as an author, why would you feel inspired to create a story like Jane Austen when this is the current state of publishing? You could make a true work of art, and be rejected because they would rather steal work to create the same story through AI, or the publisher doesn’t want to take a chance on a good story when the algorithm is fickle and shallow.

Boring People Are Bored

AI is doing exactly what I expected; lazy people are becoming lazier, except that it is currently being rewarded. We used to know how to entertain ourselves. We used to know how to create, enjoy, and take pleasure in things, but I think AI is a snare that is making people boring, and it doesn’t have to. AI is an easy way out of daily life. It can be a friend, a relationship you don’t have to nurture, but is hollow. It can create art, but you will have no artistic skill of your own as a result. It can write you a book, without telling a story. It can create a music video, like JUMP for Blackpink, without any effort from the actual talent, and create a nightmare image of Rose with Jungkook’s facial structure. Do you see the pattern? It’s like cheating your way through school; it produces nothing and wastes precious resources, like time, or in the case of AI, drinking water and electricity.

Cringe > Innovation

What I have seen as the most flagrant accusation of boredom has been the dissonance of innovation and cringe. Let’s take, for example, Ceremony. It’s a song that has no chorus until the end of the song. It’s layered, has high production value, and features something new for Stray Kids and boy band offerings. But what do I see online? It’s awful. Stray Kids are braggy and loud, no talent. K-pop is boring; everything sounds the same. Except, Stray Kids, it’s too experimental. No wait, it sounds like all their other songs, yawn….etc. How can we have the audacity to complain about being bored while we punish bands for taking risks? It’s not just Stray Kids, I have seen similar criticism being launched at Nmixx, NCT, Ateez, Twice, Aespa…the list goes on.

It’s no different when it comes to the world of fiber arts. People complain about how crochet and knitting are getting boring and want new things to make, because everyone is knitting the same things, yet don’t branch out from a few massive pattern makers, like Sari Noorland, Petite Knit, and Andrea Mowry, to name a few. There are so many smaller creators crafting joyful patterns that would disrupt the slump, but no one wants to stand out these days.

I think as this year enters its final act, we should decide what we value more: being entertained? Or being authentic? Do you want to truly discover something new? Do you want to dig deeper for something fresh? It requires us to act, to search, and to participate, because we are allowing ourselves to become boring people, and it is spreading across culture, where it will stay unless we choose to be interesting again. I get it. This year has been demoralizing, and it’s made me feel like giving up many times, but there is always a reason to keep going. What if your big idea is the thing that makes this dull and dreary world sparkle again? You could be the change we need, so stop scrolling and find something that ignites passion in your heart once again!

Flannel Upcycling – Skirt from Sleeves

When planning an upcycle, one thing that I consider with care is how to use the entire garment in the most innovative way possible. Maybe it’s all those episodes of Project Runway guiding me?

When I began my flannel upcycling project, and planned to transform them into vests, they needed a real purpose.

I began this project last year, as the summer was winding down, with fall whispering in the trees. Fall is an unmistakable inspiration for me. I love the color palette, traditional fabrics, and the academic style that returns to fashion every autumn season.

Sleeves Find New Life

Knowing how much yardage there is hidden in those sleeves, I had an idea – a plaid skirt with alternating colored plaid skirt panels connected by a waistband.

To do this, I cut the sleeves carefully from the shoulder seam to retain as much width and length as possible. This would become the bottom of the skirt. Next, I cut the cuffs from the sleeve; this tapered end was perfectly shaped for the waistline of the skirt for a flared effect.

For the waistband, I had yet to understand elastic, and was growing tired of waist ties, so I got a bit creative! I decided to use buttons, four of them to start, and created an adjustable button closure skirt, like the hook and eye of a bra band. The buttons were actually repurposed from the buttons of the shirt. For ease of getting dressed, I sewed the skirt on all the side seams, leaving a 2.5-3 inch opening to adjust the waistband, in a way that the fabric would cross over for security.

If you are looking for an easy and cute fall upcycle for the new season, I would highly recommend this project! You can even pair the vest and skirt together for a complete outfit!

#74 – Ain’t That Just the Way

So this week started off amazing. My mom and I began finding a healthy way forward, for real this time. Nothing shoved under the rug to deal with later. No festering. No harsh talk, instead patience, love, realness. It was truly an answer to prayer that I learned, required me to put into action what I was feeling.

I journaled all my raw feelings, and sat with what these words on paper showed me – I wanted more. I wanted realness, and nothing less. We each reaches this point at the same time, and it got better. Over last week, it got much better. Kinder. I even spent time with her on Sunday.

Monday morning though, life decided things were too good. Our family dog, Sully, became extremely sick. He had been dealing with some health issues over the past year, but it fell apart over night. He died on Tuesday. I am heartbroken, but crying together with my mom instead of on own like we did for other big losses.

I think the most challenging part of losing a pet is that sense of home you associate with them. He was my safe place for 14 years, all of my adulthood so far, and his steady love will always be missed.

Have you lost a pet? What helped you heal? I’m going to try to get back on track with writing next week, but yeah, life just keeps getting weirder, everyday.

I Learned How to Crochet

The 2020s have brought many trends and crafts to my attention, but the one craft that has caught my attention, and kept me craving the ability to do it, has been crochet. I love the loops, the lace holes/open weave of its stitching structure, the texture, the projects’ talented crocheters’ design, and most importantly, the granny square projects! I am a colorful knitter, and the granny square scratches that artistic place in my brain. It brings me instant happiness.

In Spring 2024, I made my first attempt to crochet, and it was doomed from the start. I bought a cheap hook, neither ergonomic nor very hooked. The hook failed over and over again to grab the loops. The yarn over motion became yarn slip away, which made the process of learning how to execute crochet stitches dang near impossible! I was busy, not in the headspace to learn a new skill. My frazzled mind became evident in my tight, tortured stitches so snug the hook would not easily pull up a loop. So I set aside my desire for crochet for over a year.

During that time, I recentered my mind and learned new skills that I can see now, in hindsight, that made learning crochet in July 2025 so much easier! I slowed down my sewing and focused on fiber arts, mainly knitting, in the year that followed. During this year of reset, I tried new things that prepared me to be a better student of crochet. I knit socks, I learned colorwork, circular knitting, and explored new fibers and stitches. I learned how to work with my tension, and adapt to a looser weave for colorwork and circular knitting. I learned how to pick up stitches and new ways to construct knit garments. I suspended what I thought yarn crafting was, opening my mind to new techniques, which I believe prepared me to learn a completely different approach – crochet.

Why is crochet such a big jump from knitting? Well, I think for me, because I learned knitting first, my muscle memory was guiding my approach. My brain was shifting into its comfort zone when I would pick up that first crochet hook and reject the notion of using one tool, instead of two needles. My thinking was rigid, just as it was when I first began my language learning journey into the world of Japanese. When learning, we have to hold what we know and what we have done loosely, all while inviting a new guest to the party. A teachable spirit is really a mind of hospitality for the new skill.

I think a good teacher and good exposure also help. When I first tried to learn in 2024, I went to a former neighbor who crocheted and asked her for advice. She let me borrow a book, but didn’t offer much more than that. Although we were in the same town, on the same street, we never crafted together, and when I asked for advice when I got stuck, but she didn’t respond. It sucked. This time around, I went to a tried and true source – TLYarnCrafts, the wonderful Toni Lipsey. Her tutorials saved me when I got overwhelmed by the instructions in my library book. My library was a great source of inspiration, though – I borrowed ‘A Modern Guide to Granny Squares’ by Celine Semaan and Leonie Morgan. This book helped me understand the magic loop and had lovely diagrams to get me started.

Three other crafters who helped me get excited to crochet are YouTube creators – Lizfoolery, Blondie Knots, and Mark Vogel. Mark’s recent granny square vest project was so lovely, I was determined to learn crochet just to make that piece. But it’s not just wearables that have motivated me. I want to make a seashell basket, a flower bookmark, a fish potholder, a pie purse, and blankets! The classic Chevron to replace the one that my great-grandma made, which was lost in 2021, and the star blanket by Betty McKnit. I have also downloaded the hexi-granny cardigan pattern from TLYarnCrafts for a fun, cool weather wearable.

To wrap up, I’ve been crocheting for two weeks now and have made two wonky granny squares, a pair of crochet stays/vest that is 90% done, and a sweater that is cast on with a few inches complete. It feels surreal and also so natural. I love crocheting! Maybe because it is new to me, but I look forward to getting a few rows done each day. It’s become my fun crafting, where I can relax and get lost in the rhythm of loops and yarning over.

Have you ever crocheted? What helped you get through the process of beginning to do the thing? I hope you have a lovely day, dear reader. Thanks for spending a little time here with me in this [I hope] cozy corner of the internet. You make these little moments of reflection an exciting part of my making process. ❤

Can I Make Mid-Size Overalls from 1 Yard of Fabric?

Do you ever think of something you’ve accomplished and wonder if you could do it even smaller? Well, I set a challenge for myself. A year ago, I wrote about creating a summer dress with a button-front from less than 1.5 yards of fabric. That post inspired this one, as this summer I was able to squeak out a pair of shortalls (overall shorts) from a yard of 59″ stretch twill from Mood Fabrics. This was not my first overall attempt, but I think my most ambitious because this yardage was for a pair of shorts with some abundant pockets, but I changed my mind after seeing a variety of overalls styled for spring and summer. I’ve owned this style before in denim. My favorite version I’ve purchased was a pair of vintage ’90s denim shortalls that were baggy and breathable for those swampy summer days. The more fitted versions I’ve found in stores in recent years are not my cup of tea, because for me, overalls are best when they are oversized.

When I cut these overalls out, I had just completed my draft of an overalls pattern from 2 yards of 44″ cotton twill from Kokka Fabrics, and I was itching to make more without fabric shopping, so I went for a dig in my fabric/yarn closet. It’s more of an antique clothing press, to be fair. This is where I found my gold – 1 yard of 59″ across cotton twill in a fun pattern, sturdy enough for a bottom weight garment with just enough fabric to cut the shorts, the bib, the straps. That was all I could muster for sure. I set aside the project and got to work on my Kokka Fabric project, which taught me so many things about sewing overalls that I had overlooked in past attempts.

Firstly, the back bib is not a rectangle. Secondly, a facing for the bib makes the project feel more professional. Thirdly, the buttons on the side need to be properly assembled with the fly for the right stability. Finishing the edges with twill tape made from the project’s fabric helped create a crisp look. Fourth, the overalls need pockets in order for the garment to sit well on the body. Lastly, I did not accomplish these with my 1-yard of fabric overalls. I took some shortcuts.

I ran out of fabric for the pockets, the fly, and the twill tape. To remedy this, I kept the shape to a romper style and less of a traditional overall. The bib is rectangular on both the front and back. The pockets were added from a previous project; I upcycled shorts into pockets. The side does not have any fastening, instead I sewed up the seam and let the boxy cut of the shorts and stretch of the fabric help me compensate for my lack of fabric.

So if this project is a pair of overalls that is not a traditional overall, but more of a romper, why am I writing about this?

Well, because the finished product is a wonderfully comfortable garment, practical for many things – gardening, sewing, cooking, knitting, farmers market, apple picking, cleaning, walking in the woods, going to the beach, etc – and I made it without being an expert. I made this garment through hand sewing, so you don’t even need a sewing machine if it’s out of your current budget. I purchased this fabric on sale for 10 USD/yard. I used less than a spool of thread, and repurposed the pockets from an item in my closet that I didn’t want to wear anymore. Have you seen the price of overalls? They are expensive, even the short version. A low-quality version will still set you back 30 USD.

I made these with 10 USD of fabric for a midsize frame, so this is accessible to all of us, not just the slim people. A lot of popular and cheap DIYs on the internet are made for very small bodies, which makes me nervous that if I try it, it will be expensive, but this wasn’t. Making these overalls was incredibly rewarding, too. These aren’t even the best pair I’ve made this summer, I’ll share the other ones soon! But these ones will have a special place in my heart because they are unique, comfortable, and made with my own hands. So if you have an idea of how you could make something by hand, make it happen! It’s a lot easier than you think, a great learning experience, and there are tons of resources here online to help you succeed!

Flannel Upcycling | Making A Vest

Last summer, I wanted to introduce vests into my wardrobe. I have made vests before for Kyle, but have not sewn a vest for myself before; I have knit them. Because this was a spontaneous idea, I needed to be budget-conscious and find a way to use what I had to make a vest. So I went to my closet and got creative! I had a few flannels in my closet that were hanging there, waiting for me to wear them, but I didn’t. That’s when I looked at the shirts closely – there was a button placket, shoulder yoke, and a sturdy fabric, with room to crop them. I saw the vest within the shirt, so I grabbed my scissors—and was a bit too zealous with the first one! Don’t be like me, have a plan. So how did I make this upcycle work? And what did I learn from my failed attempt?

Shoulder Seams, Yoke, and Waist Length

The crucial points of cutting, I would say, are being aware of the shoulder seams, accounting for the back yoke width, and properly measuring your waist length for a proper fit.

  • Shoulder seams on a flannel are boxy and loose. To achieve the set-in sleeve opening that accentuates and reveals the shirt underneath, you need to cut away the shoulder line – but not too much. Be mindful of how far into the shoulder you plan to cut, so that you are left with a proportional line.
  • The shoulder yoke is a technique used to tailor the shoulder line, while leaving the fabric below the shoulder loose. As a result, there will be more fabric on the back of the vest, which may affect the fit of the arm openings and possibly require a dart to remedy the loose fabric. If not, the back will gape open, looking awkward and like a mistake. A vest should hug the body, be tailored, or else the upcycle will look exactly like you cut up a flannel.
  • The length of the vest determines the style and balance of an outfit. One of my vests I cut too short, and this limits how I can wear it. I find it cuts me off in a regency high-waisted fashion that is fine when I wear it with a high-waisted skirt, but with pants or my linen Darcy shirt, it’s awkward. The other vest was cropped, in a careful fashion, ending at my hip and balancing my body line like a well-tailored garment. It’s far more versatile.
  • Cutting the neckline is crucial. For the front, a tapered cut to the button placket provides the classic look. Be careful not to cut too low for a historical silhouette. Also, remember not to cut the back the same as the front! I made this mistake and had to sew the cut portion back into my vest. This should be a crew neck line, straight across, with a slight dip in the middle for comfort.

Why a Flannel Shirt?

I chose flannel shirts as my medium to work with for three specific reasons. The first one I already mentioned – cost. We had just moved into our house and paid quarterly taxes. The vests were not a necessity, just a whim, so it made sense to me to take an existing item, I didn’t wear to create something I would wear. It’s funny how the sustainable option is sometimes the free option too. Secondly, flannel is a sturdy fabric, appropriate for the structure of the vest, that could be sewn without the addition of a lining, which I could add later if I wished, when I was more comfortable spending money on fabric. Thirdly, flannel is a classic pattern that reminded me of the woven woolen coating fabrics that vests have been sewn with for centuries, so it was a good match! I hope this inspires you to repurpose items you have to make something new! For the rest of the flannel, the pieces I cut away, like the sleeves, stay tuned to see what I did with those. It’s one of my favorite makes. 🙂

Letters Of Healing #2 – Letting It Out Is Important Too

I have a bad habit, I’ve acquired over the past few years: I bottle things up so people don’t leave me. Hi, I’m Magz and I have a problem. A two-prong issue, actually, I am not processing my feelings, and I am irrationally concerned about rejection. It’s not good. I was taught to believe by family and society that it was because of divorce, specifically placing the blame on my dad, and to be honest, I believed that for a long time. But that answer leaves all of us who have experienced that or who fear rejection in this weird pseudo-reality of things being out of our control, which doesn’t help. It turns the intensity up all while limiting personal growth. How can you move on if this is baked into your personality, right? I mean, everyone who knows your story will instantly know your flaws – your parent or parents “didn’t love you enough” to stick around. Yeah, this is a toxic bunch of nonsense.

So what has helped me get more clarity on this, honestly, is learning about what makes my mind tick and how I can work with myself to be healthier. For me specifically, learning about neurodivergence, and specifically the possibility of undiagnosed autism or adhd, has helped me understand that there might be more to my penchant for brutal honesty than just being an off-putting person or a bad person. It might be that my brain simply processes differently, yet because I want to fit in – masking, I fall into people-pleasing patterns to “fit in” with those around me. Similar to learning about high-masking autism in females, with adhd, there is a sensitivity to rejection and difficulty with emotional regulation that makes processing the rejection more difficult. I can see these in the ways I have interacted with people throughout my life, especially family members.

I get stuck in these camps of either feeling the need to be brutally honest, especially if I feel an emotional meltdown coming on from bottling everything up, or I clam up and shove it down, no matter how much it hurts to “please” the person. All this does is create a cycle of emotional repression, overwhelm, and meltdown behind the scenes. Loneliness, anger, bitterness, shame, fear of rejection, and pain. This is not what a healthy person looks like.

For too long, I’ve mistaken being “tough” with being healthy. It’s been the one-two punch of finding Elena Carroll’s reflective essays and watching Scrubs for these to start clicking in my brain. I find myself pinballing between being like Dr. Dorian, who lets people like Elliott walk all over him, and Dr. Cox, who shoves it all down and sinks into a pit of loneliness behind the shadows because dealing with my problems makes me feel uncomfortable.

My constant dysfunctional relationship, which gets more unhinged every year, my relationship with my mom is the place where I see all these problematic habits come to the surface. I will bottle something up for a decade, afraid of the confrontation, and then one day I will just explode about something else. To be fair, when I do blow up, it’s usually after my mom has contributed to my anger with a gem of guilt or a little nugget of criticism on some part of my personality. Like recently, I was told she was intentionally withholding her health updates after two concerning ER visits, because I am too “sensitive” to handle anything after I told her it has been scary thinking of being sick because I love her. Yep, I see where I have learned to shove everything down – you can’t be weak and express emotions, that’s for losers.

So where does that leave me? Well, I can either choose Option #1 – be honest about my frustrations and stand up for myself, which comes with consequences, Option #2 – bottle it up and fake a smile, all while my shoulders knit themselves into a stress knot and my jaw clenches like a bear trap, Option #3 – I avoid the relationship for months at a time and pretend like nothing happened. Lately, I’ve been thinking, why can’t I just be honest as it comes, instead of bottling up to the point where I am furious? I don’t live there anymore, there are no consequences for being honest gently, and in the moment that I disagree? That would be healthier, and somehow, over all these years, I forgot how to do this. Because adulthood is lonely. Grief is lonely. Sometimes that fear of rejection and people pleasing is all that you crave just to keep a relationship with a loved one steady, because you miss how easy it was when you were a kid.

I think health, though, might be more important than the illusion of peace, because I have not been managing stress well over the last ten years. My mental health took a toll, and so did my physical health. I’ve stored so much stress in my body, pretending I was happy about things that hurt me because I didn’t want to hear how I was different, not enough like my mom’s family, or weak for being sensitive, or a bad person for getting angry sometimes. I’ve had the same knot at the base of my neck for 5 years, which is not healthy at all. So what am I doing with all these revelations about who I am and what is healthy and what is not? I am slowly shifting through it. I’m taking space and a break from some of my more trying family relationships to get this stress worked out of my body and find my calm again. My husband, friends, and my beloved bun deserve better than for me to let things out of my control take a toll on my mental and physical health. Especially when they are the ones who pick up the pieces when I fall apart.

How do you manage stress? Do you struggle with people pleasing or bottling up emotions? Have people ever told you to change who you are to fit their standards?

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