Tag: inspire

#36 – Gratitude and Growth

This year has been weird, weird because I tried something new. I took a step back and let something that had felt out of my control for years be out of my control. I stopped pushing, trying, fighting, and shape-shifting. Instead, I waited. I took my hands off of my relationship with my mom and submitted it to God. I was at rock bottom, our relationship hit an all-time low in January. We were no longer Rory and Lorelai, we were Emily and Lorelai careening towards Emily and Gran. Things were bad. Our communication was broken, and both of us seemed to be unbothered by the problems, allowing it to be the status quo. For just shy of a decade our relationship had been in a bad place. My life took a wrong turn when I was in college and never righted its course. We were no longer pals, but secretive enemies.

I thought this was the final destination for our relationship. I was not hopeful. I put it down and left it. For months I barely spoke to my mom. For six months we did not see each other. It was the longest break we ever took. Even when I moved 14 hours away, we saw each other within 5 months. The distance was too far. This year it felt like I lived on the other side of the world. It pushed me to be still to process what I was doing wrong and to realize what I wished our relationship could be like.

When my mom had surgery this summer, the thought of a complication taking her away woke me up out of this experiment in distance. I visited her and it was strained, but doing a normal thing, like visiting your mom after surgery, seemed to bring a little normalcy back to our unbridled mess. As she recovered our relationship ebbed and flowed like tides. One day we’d be comfortable, warm, and friendly. The next it was cold, distant, irritating. I began to wonder if the small bit of hope was just that a small taste. That maybe it was what it was, and I needed to adjust my expectations. Could we get along in my adulthood? I was uncertain and began to think that maybe my mom was my best friend as a kid because I was young and different. Like my personality and needs have changed and that was how it was. I began to encourage myself to accept it, but I didn’t like it.

But then August and September came and something changed. They came to visit us, and we went to visit them. We stayed for the weekend and went to a familiar fall haunt, the Antiques in the Woods show in Ohio. I had fun, I remembered the past times we had together at this event, and I met a friend of my mom and grandma’s who told me how much they loved my mom. They told me stories of moments I missed over the past decade when I was not interested in spending time with my mom and painted a portrait I hadn’t seen in a while. They reminded me of who my mom could be and why I was always so proud to have her be my chaperone on school trips or invite friends over to my house because my mom can be really cool and a sweetheart. All the baggage of grief, growing pains, family fights, moves, it had all clouded my vision. I was seeing through the eyes of pain and past, I wasn’t seeing her in real-time.

We hung out with them again recently and went to Erie Bluffs State Park. I remembered how much I loved traveling with my mom. When the trip began my plan was to show her Erie in hopes that she would like a place I was considering moving to, but instead, I felt this pull to not leave again. I felt this peace to remain where I am and be comfortable in the familiar and close proximity to home. To not be afraid of staying close to home and not be scared or ashamed of my roots. I’ve learned a lot this year and I feel immense gratitude for the process of how I learned because if I had not fully walked away, my eyes may have stayed clouded in the lens of the past instead of looking toward the future and appreciating what is right in front of me. My Lorelai to my Rory, my home that still remains, the ideal mom-dad-dog-plus a husband that fits like a missing puzzle piece, the family I always wanted. I just needed to wait and be open to things getting better.

Will we probably fight again? Oh most definitely, but have I learned you can repair what is broken. Yes. And that is what I am grateful for. That might be the most important life lesson because it teaches resiliency.

Clouds Above A Field | 01

Do you ever look up at the clouds and get struck by wonder? How can they be so vivid and fluffy yet intangible? They are not the plush spaces in the sky that we dreamed of as a kid. Nor are they driveable like on Mario Kart. Yet still they are perfect in their ever-changing form.

The Details:

Lake Erie Bluffs – 2023

A memory captured on a recent visit to Lake Erie with my family. I’ve been here twice and the view was stunningly different each time. I could stare at that horizon forever.

The Details:

Slea Head, Dingle, County Kerry | 01

A memory from 2001, the drive around the ring of Kerry. This is a view, near Slea Head looking towards the An Fear Marbh (The Sleeping Giant/Dead Man) Island. A quick sketch made with chalk pastels. At the time, I didn’t understand the grandeur of what I was staring at when I was eight, but now the beauty of Ireland’s scenery lives rent-free in my mind.

The Details:

Autumn 2023 Cardigan Project: Stripes of Green

Two years ago, I made a longer cardigan using a complicated “Flying Goose Stitch” which I mentioned in Knitting Tests My Patience, it was a fun yet incredibly frustrating project to undertake as my first try for a cardigan. I thought the complex stitch pattern that involved a sequence of twelve rows that tested my ability to focus and count.

FLYING GEESE STITCH
Cast On a multiple of 12 stitches:
Row 1: Knit 1, Purl 5, Knit 5, Purl 1
Row 2: Knit 2, Purl 4, Knit 4, Purl 2
Row 3: Knit 3, Purl 3,
Row 4: Knit 4, Purl 2, Knit 2, Purl 4
Row 5: Knit 5, Purl 1, Knit 1, Purl 5
Row 6: Knit 6, Purl 6
Row 7: Knit 5, Purl 1, Knit 1, Purl 5
Row 8: Knit 4, Purl 2, Knit 2, Purl 4
Row 9: Knit 3, Purl 3
Row 10: Knit 2, Purl 4, Knit 4, Purl 2
Row 11: Knit 1, Purl 5, Knit 5, Purl 1
Row 12: Knit 6, Purl 6
Repeat Rows 1-12

Credit to knitpurlstitches.com for sharing the pattern on Pinterest.

It’s funny looking at this finished project in 2023, compared to 2021, I actually like and I’m proud of how it turned out but that might be because the stitch photographs well. I remember the fit of this project being off, in the arms and shoulders because I didn’t know how to attach the pieces properly. This sweater took 4 months of tedious knitting. I remember listening to audio books while knitting it including Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, Holier Than Thou by Jackie Hill Perry and various writings of C.S. Lewis. I remember not being able to focus if I watched something in the background. I’m happy to report my 2023 project is going much better! I’m about 1 month in of focused work on the project and I have all the shoulder pieces finished and sewn together with a bottom panel designed and attached.

I am not using a pattern for this project but I am making it up as I go along. I’m taking notes as I go to draft a pattern by process and for easier replication of the shoulder pieces. The shoulders are fitting fantastically! This current project is far more comfortable than my 2021 attempt. This new project is a blend of four colors of yarn. The stripes of the bottom section will be carried on in the sleeves. My plan is to make striped, colorful sleeves and a hood or dramatic collar. There will be a ribbed bottom edge added at the end to mitigate the rolling of the hem. I debated on making this a sweater dress after learning those are apparently trending for Fall 2023 but chose to continue with the cardigan plan as I think I will get more wear out of this.

I may even add more length if it feels right. There have been countless moments through this project that have made me question my design sensibilities. This cardigan has been hovering the line between a design I think is cool and straight up ugly. There were many times during the striped panel design phase that I thought, “I’ve ruined it” but I am happy to say now that I personally like the mix of colors and think it balances the upper portion into a innovative sweater design. I was inspired by the quirky knitwear of Gilmore Girls and that peak early 2000’s style. I like that it is colorful and that the stitch is simple. That was my biggest takeaway from the Flying Geese project was to keep the stitch pattern simple for efficiency. That has payed off! My morale is higher. The stripes actually help me keep pace. I’m learning to knit quickly, yet with care to keep my stitches even. I can also knit while watching something in the background. A lot of things actually.

  • Long-form YouTube video essays
  • Look Books of fashion
  • Sports!
  • Japanese Vocabulary
  • Skz Code with subtitles
  • Music Videos
  • NCT 127: The Lost Boys with subtitles
  • Favorites like Gilmore Girls and Impractical Jokers

The possibilities are truly endless thanks to that muscle memory! Thank goodness because I can get super bored with these projects. Speaking of my pace, I’ve been truly pleased by my progress this week. I completed a shoulder panel and designed the striped panel within 3 days so around 25 hours of work. That is blazing compared to my old pace. It’s wonderful to see that practicing and failure will lead to growth in some fashion. My hope is to finish this by the end of October, will I make my goal? I’ll let you know. 🙂

My First Buttondown Shirt

I’ve been sewing for three years as a full-time apprentice after being laid off. I’ve mentioned this before in #1 – Welcome and #3 – First Sewing Project and it’s been a quick learning curve from hand-sewing, paper patterns, pattern drafting, and machine sewing, but one skill has eluded me for three years. That is the working buttonhole with professional-looking buttonholes! Not my crappy buttonholes that look like an animal chewed a hole through the fabric and I hastily sewed some thread around it, no I’m talking about secure, there for the long haul, even button holes. Well-anchored and secure fasteners of fashion! Well, I figured it out thanks to YouTube and I am incredibly happy!

This shirt has a working placket of buttons and buttonholes, with a self-drafted shirt front and back panels, collar, and sleeves with a gusset for a more fitted sleeve shape. I finished the sleeves with a cuff for added pizazz. This shirt is made from buffalo plaid flannel from Mood Fabrics that sat in my fabric stash for 11 months waiting for the right project. At first, I bought it to make a two-piece pj set, which then was revised into matching pj pants for Kyle and me, and was further revised into pj pants for Kyle and a flannel shirt for me.

I love this print because it has Canadian Geese, Caribou, and Elk. Elk hold a special place in my heart because of where my husband is from, Caribou makes me think of the song Long Time Running by The Tragically Hip, the red plaid makes me think of my Canadian heritage, and Canadian Geese are my comfort animals.

I’m sure that sounds weird but I will elaborate. When I was 10, my mom had this amazing opportunity to go to Ireland through her work. Although it was only for 10 days, it really scared me because I had never been away from her that long. I was used to not seeing my dad for months, but my mom was always there for me. On the day her trip began, my grandparents took me mini-golfing and while we were there this little baby Canadian Goose, gosling I guess, followed me around through our entire game. It was my little buddy. I named it Popcorn. The owners of the course said they had never seen this happen before. If it hadn’t been a wild animal, I would have asked to adopt it.

Fast forward fifteen years later and I’m living in Savannah, Georgia. I moved closer to get to know my dad who lived in Savannah and I had a falling out with my mom in the process. My grandparents are now sick and I’m feeling lost. Each time I went to prayer meeting at Compassion Christian there was a flock of Canadian Geese in the parking lot. It was July and August, not prime migration time. It was odd, and I felt like they were there for me. A reminder that God was with me even when I was feeling lost and homesick.

Two years later, my grandpa passed away, the world was shut down and I felt lonely and lost in Meadville, unsure of how to feel home again. My grandma was now a widow and grieving, we didn’t know it yet but she was starting to move towards heaven, as she would in December of that year. I began to notice something each day at 4 pm, a lone goose or a flying V of Canadian Geese will fly directly over our house. Every day. This continues for a year. I even moved to a new place within that year and it still happened. When that goose or group of geese approached my house, I would hear the honk and I would run outside to watch it fly. In that moment I felt a feeling of comfort, like I could feel God’s presence with me so intensely. Just like a parent’s presence can make you feel safe, I felt that.

I’d say this is probably my favorite item in my wardrobe right now. Thank you, dear reader, for hanging out with me today. I hope you feel safe and loved today.

#35 – Toxic Girl Conversations

I was struck by a moment recently where I felt transported back to middle school, watching Mean Girls. The plastics stand in front of a mirror and one by one they list something they hate about their body until they get to the new girl, Cady, who freezes. She quickly says she has really bad breath in the morning and the plastics, satisfied, move on to a new topic. I used to feel like that girl in the girl world because I honestly didn’t enjoy standing around finding flaws in myself as a form of bonding.

I’d rather talk about something more fruitful, lighthearted, or productive than pick at myself and others’ flaws. However I have noticed throughout the years that some girl friendship dynamics get pulled into a negative space, and sometimes they simply move into the negative neighborhood permanently.

It’s awkward because how do you communicate that you love your friend but the friendship environment they create can be downright toxic?

How do you steer the conversation back to something positive when that person just wants to complain and whine without starting a fight that puts the friend on the defense?

I’ve been pondering this because there are so many amazing things about this friend I wish she would focus on instead of what’s going wrong or what she is choosing not to make better in her life. We have a myriad of things we could be discussing because we are both wonder-filled by the world and its beauty, cultures, cuisine, music, etc. We could discuss books and the many writing projects we both want to accomplish. We could be planning a craft project we could coordinate for our next hang out, one of the many we send each other that one day we will try. Can that day be today?

It always starts like a pebble, one bad day in the recap of the week, and then it finds negative pebble friends. By the next conversation, the cup is overflowing and the light is being blocked from view by the stack of stones growing before me. I wish I could figure out how to capture that pebble, put it in my pocket, and skip it far away.

Instead, I find myself sifting through the back forty of my mind looking for a flaw to add to the pile of complaints my friend is listing off. I feel so fake and vapid manufacturing a problem in my head just to bond because not having a complaint would be a toxic girl conversation faux pax.

And wouldn’t you know my friend is stunning? She is photogenic, tall, and has the proportions to pull off every item of clothing I wish I could. Her heart is even more stunning than the outside. She is talented and accomplishing so much more in her professional life than I ever could. That’s why these toxic conversations drive me to the edge because she is amazing just the way she is.

#33 – Farewell to My Soundtrack of Summer 2023

Ice Melting as Tea Pours Over – The Iced Tea Maker

Crack of a Bat Making Contact on a Pitch – Masataka Yoshida and Matt Olson

Swishing into Water – My Watercolor Brushes

The Quiet of Windpower – Sailboats in Lake Arthur

Till We Meet Again – Aespa

A Duel of Roaring – Cash and Simba (Lions of Keystone Safari)

General Sawing Sounds ft. Router into Wood – Kyle’s Woodshop

Rotations of a Fan Blade – Window & Pedestal Fans

The Sloshing of Mud – Fish Pond Course of Tumbleweed Ranch

Popping – Boba Pearls

Sliding Across Dirt – Ronald Acuna Jr. Stealing Another Base

Words of Japanese – Hamusuke’s Japanese Learning

Antlers Scratching – Reindeer Barn

Small Munches – Goats

Tapping of Bamboo – Knitting Needles

As If It’s Your Last – Blackpink

Screaming Goats – Stephanie Canada Videos

Cardboard Opening – Alexandria Ryan

Shrimp Sizzling – The Wok

Crackle of Caramelization – The Grill

The Yell of an Incoming Pitch – Shohei Ohtani

The Tortoise and Hare – Stray Kids

Whoosh of a Golf Club – Driving Range

Sound of Accomplishment – Animal Crossing New Horizons

Thread Pulling Through Aida Cloth – The Burrow Crossstitch

Severe Weather Briefing – Reed Timmer

Thunder that Shakes the House – Cold Fronts

Squeaks on the Front Stoop – Chipmunk

Lawn Mower – Bob’s Landscaping Service

The Real – Ateez

Rattling of My Bobbin – Singer Heavy Duty Sewing Machine (aka Señor Senior Singer)

Sticking of Clay to Make Faux Wood Grain – Rachel Maksy

Pedaling – The Exercise Bike

Pockets Are Friends Not Foes

It should have been a compliment or even a point of affectionate doting that instead of buying shorts from the outlets or the myriad of options online, my husband wanted me to make him a pair of shorts to replace an old pair. Instead, the mere thought filled me with dread. Shorts? Menswear shorts? I can barely make my own shorts! (Not true, I’ve made eleven attempts at this point and only a few tries did not pan out.) I don’t have the right pattern! (Also not true, I do, a very good one that is classic and versatile in silhouette for pants and shorts.)

Both of us could see through my excuses and my lame attempt at avoiding a task that would make me grow and apply the skills I have learned this year. A good thing to do. Economical and customizable. A win-win scenario. I was feeling confident. His encouragement and confidence in me was brimming. The fabric selected a quality, not too heavy cut of canvas material. And yet, my overachieving penchant to be the best pushed me forward, to the pages of Mood’s online store. Another two cuts of fabric were ordered in a sturdy striped shirting of gray and another of green.

Yet they sat in my stash as I pondered. I hemmed and I hawed, until one day the pattern called to me from my sewing stash. Afraid I would deny the voice for another month, on that June day I cleared my table and grabbed my scissors ready for a fabric fight. I carefully spread the fabric across the horizontal expanse and with purpose, I dug out the first pattern piece. The front, cut two, mind the seat curve. Again with the back, the waistband, and then I remembered I promised him pockets. Pockets and a zip fly. Oh dear, how could I forget such a crucial step? In a flurry of tissue paper patterns and fabric scraps, I dug through the bigger offcuts until a pocket was procured. I rinsed and repeated twice until a stack of short building materials and a dusting of scraps fell beneath my feet.

I’m not sure why pockets intimidate me so, I think it could be how they are inserted. You must make them even, strong, and seated on the hips just right so that they tuck into the pants without creating wonky bulk or disturbing the line of the garment. They’re not hard to do with my sewing machine, yet I avoid them like a wasp flying at my head. Zippers too create such a fine finish, compared to the chore that is buttons and buttonhole creation, yet I’ve stayed away from those two in 2023. I think we get into comfort zones and become afraid of stepping out, even though we have the skills and are fully prepared for the next step, we just forget to move. It’s a shame because, without those friendly pushes from people who love us, we may never venture into a new great thing.

I’m glad Kyle believed in me and didn’t let me avoid this project because these shorts gave me such a sense of accomplishment! I now want to insert pockets into the garments chose not to, mostly my own clothes. I want to sew with more care moving forward so that the items I make have more polish. My skillset is leveled up to do this, I don’t have to hide in simple projects anymore. Pockets are friends, and zippers are a fun challenge. Buttonholes are still foes though, at least for now.

Who Are You Listening To?

After Daniel and some prayer for direction, I landed on 1 Corinthians as the next place in the Bible I felt the Lord leading me to wander through. The first chapter of 1 Corinthians, a familiar book, really stuck out to me; honestly, I haven’t been seeing things the same way since. I’ll explain.

A little background on this book and my faith journey, when I was a kid I got this book and the book of Chronicles confused all the time although they are about vastly different things. The Corinthians being addressed here are members of a church in Corinth, an ancient city located in south-central Greece. This is one of two letters written to the church by Paul. He knew the people and addressed specific issues being raised in communication between him and the members. It is also a look into how the early church navigated living in a multi-cultural world in the Roman Empire that was not a Christian culture. It is an example the modern church can use to look to for direction in our current-day issues that are not unlike the ones faced by the Corinthian believers because we are all fallen humans, so there are bound to be problems in how we live in community together.

Therein is the rub. Some modern believers take the conversations in the letters of Paul verbatim and copy and paste the ancient scenario into their current day with mixed results, sometimes as a weapon and sometimes in love, it’s a complex thing that gets oversimplified based on who is teaching it. Actually, it sounds a lot like the passage I read in 1 Corinthians 1:10-17.

I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment.  For it has been reported to me by Chloe’s people that there is quarreling among you, my brothers. What I mean is that each one of you says, “I follow Paul,” or “I follow Apollos,” or “I follow Cephas,” or “I follow Christ.” Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?  I thank God that I baptized none of you except Crispus and Gaius,  so that no one may say that you were baptized in my name.  (I did baptize also the household of Stephanas. Beyond that, I do not know whether I baptized anyone else.) For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

1 Corinthians 1: 10-17 ESV

I tend to be less excited when I start reading through a book of the Bible when it is a book that pastors and teachers seem to loop through, like the gospels, 1 & 2 Corinthians, Romans, Acts, 1&2 Thessalonians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians and 1&2 Timothy, etc because those sermons feel like they are washed across the pages like a lacquer keeping me from getting in the pages and their intrinsic message from God. The new level of podcasts and social media commentary on the Bible being shared at rapid fire is making it worse in my opinion. There are so many people’s hands on it and their words of interpretation live rent-free in our heads more than God’s understanding.

Now I’m not trying to pick, obviously, the word needs to be taught and all these tools we have at our disposal should be utilized instead of ignored. People are literally doing their best and I appreciate them for the work that they do and acknowledge that it’s a tough thing to understand and teach. I guess what struck me from a place of frustration was the inward conviction of – well if you weren’t understanding My Word through the words of other people and were following me first, the teaching and opinions of others second, maybe you wouldn’t have this problem, hm? Ouch. Yeah, I’m guilty of that. But thankfully those kinds of moments of conviction from the Holy Spirit are an invitation to dive deeper, there is a way forward to get back on track and I love that about the Lord. He never leaves us where he finds us, we choose not to move forward but His hand is always open to take the next step.

This was kind of a short reflection on my read through 1 Corinthians 1, but I hope that it encourages you in its conciseness. What I gleaned from it was simple. Follow me.

I hope wherever you are you are safe, loved, and know that your creator sees you. You are special. ❤ Until next time.

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