Tag: Bible Study

Listening For Wisdom | 2025

It has been a while since I shared any Bible Study reflection posts on this blog, and I wanted to dive into why there has been such a drop-off in talking about the Bible.

It’s not because I have stopped reading the Bible or questioned my faith, nothing like that. Instead, it is because I am at a loss for how to write about what God is teaching me.

This year has been challenging; there is a lot of hurt going on around the world, and there has been a lot of chaos and hurt happening in my country. I have friends and family affected by DOGE. I am unhappy with the way ICE and immigration is being handled. I have been fearful of the tariffs, the executive orders, and the student loan discussions. I’ve been outraged, in tears, and had moments of feeling hopeless.  But I know God is steadfast.

There has also been chaos within American Christianity. There is a distinct difference between a follower of Jesus, a far-right Christian, a far-left Christian, and the Gods, G*ns, and Trump crowd. I am disappointed in the divisions in the church politically and the lack of adherence to Jesus’ message. It’s not about political allegiance, it’s about doing what the Bible says – caring for the poor, not being proud, not creating division, and loving your neighbor as yourself.

I have been praying a lot and listening to all I can to learn and see the world with Kingdom eyes, not American eyes. I want to see those who need help in society and help them regardless of who they are. Knowing how to put these lessons into words has been tricky because I am still listening and don’t feel qualified to weigh in on anything going on. Especially as a white, Jesus following, female – I see a lot of hypocrisy, apathy, and exclusionary entitlement from this demographic, and I don’t want to be taking up space when other voices need room to speak.

The major thing I have learned this year from listening, studying, and my own prayer-filled conversations with God has been to love. When I ask God for direction or an answer on how to help, I feel the resounding answer – love. Love them, specifically. I also feel immense righteous anger at injustice. I can’t ignore it; my heart is broken. I have been asking to see things the way that God wants me to, and that means recognizing the evil being done in the name of “good,” and that is not aligned with the Bible at all. It’s a mess, but one that I believe we can fix if we remember to humble ourselves, to admit wrong, ask forgiveness, and change behavior on a cultural level.

A verse that I learned about in a discussion of the Exodus Way, I believe, or maybe it was the beginning of the City series, was this verse from Ezekiel about why Sodom in particular angered God.

Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy.

Ezekiel 16:49 ESV

That verse has eaten me up inside, as I see the rich getting richer and the poor being hurt more. How can any of our efforts be blessed if we are being selfish with the blessings we have?

I have also been reading Galatians. Paul’s writing just nails it every time. As humans, we are so cyclical in our bad behavior, but if we came together in unity and with the fruits of the spirit, dang, we could do some good. I am hopeful with each moment of protest that is carried out with words and without violence, that those moments will shine bright in the darkness.

Hopefully, I will feel more comfortable soon sharing more in-depth thoughts. It’s just a lot of chaos to sort through with God, to discern what is good in this mess of 2025. Clinging to Him above all, I guess, is the biggest takeaway.

Have you read or heard that passage of Ezekiel before? I was pretty stunned by that. I hope wherever you are, you know that you are loved. Until next time, thanks for spending time with me today, dear reader.

Blacksmithing – Micah 4:3

At the beginning of this blog I was reading through sections of the Bible that I did not know as well as passages that are taught quite frequently and I was letting God lead me in the process. This was my goal in 2023, and in 2024 I’m still doing that albeit a bit more chaotically than last year. I blame the move, but honestly, my focus has been all over the place except on my devotions since we moved which I am not proud of. Because of this I have been hopping around the Bible I was in Proverbs and then I was in Mark and now I’m sporadically reading through the minor prophets. I read through Jonah and now I’m back in Micah.

There was something that stuck out to me again as I read Micah chapter four yesterday but for a different reason than my reading in 2023. In 2023, verse three stood out to me because of the promise of peace, this time it was the historical process that caused me to stop and ponder.

He shall judge between many peoples,
    and shall decide disputes for strong nations far away;
and they shall beat their swords into plowshares,
    and their spears into pruning hooks;
nation shall not lift up sword against nation,
    neither shall they learn war anymore;

Micah 4:3 ESV

I was watching an I Like to Make Stuff video recently where Bob constructed a forge, followed by another video where he forges his own machete from a piece of steel. The process was fascinating! It is such a different medium from the fiber crafts I do because the material requires more persuading than scissors, stitches, or thread to be transformed. It requires heat to allow the material to be pliable, but you can’t form it unless you have a hammer to beat the metal into the form you desire. It can take many attempts of heating and hammering to get a crude shape. This doesn’t take into account the angle grinder or sanding to adjust the shape, plus the tempering of the metal through heating and dipping the blade to make it stronger. It’s a complicated process to make something.

This verse about ‘beating swords into plowshares’ and ‘spears into pruning hooks’ well depending on how expertly these weapons were made this is a lot of craftsmanship to be destroyed, and not reformed in one beat of the hammer. This would be a process. These would be precious resources that would need to be heated in the forge, hammered into shape, and reinforced with tempering. It would be a full transformation and would require work and commitment, so full submission to God’s will and full trust that you’re not going to need that carefully crafted weaponry or I think you would hold on to it. Because there was no Amazon 2-day to get more materials or a replacement sword or spear if you changed your mind. This was it.

Because we’ve lost this technology in our modern culture to other means, this picture of blacksmithing seems like an insignificant detail but I think it has a lot of weight to the meaning of the larger message in Micah 4 and the book in general. This was a full 180-degree shift from war to planting, something you only do if you have hope for the future and stability because you have to be there to tend to the crops and harvest at a later time. You are committed to the process.

I think it is also important that the weapons are not just laid down and cast away, instead, they are reshaped and forged by fire to reveal their new life as necessary tools in the kingdom. They had a past of different goals, but are shaped by a refining fire to become a new thing and serve a new purpose. For being an Old Testament book this surely has New Testament significance, as this is what being a new creation in Christ through repentance and salvation looks like. You are not cast away for a new thing, you are transformed for a new form and a new function.

Like a blacksmith with a forge and a hammer, the Christian life transforms us from one thing to another for a new purpose. Even if our former life was filled with contradictions to the one we are living now, that forge of refining fire changes everything.

Gotta Work? Got To Surrender First.

Since we settled in here, I’ve had a rough time. I’m not sleeping well consistently. It’s been a challenge to let down after a season of being on guard, on point, agile, and ready to work. I’ve felt behind on my own timelines after my workroom was boxed up and put into storage for a few weeks.

It was just a few weeks, but it felt longer, and I know why. I’ve been convicted of this as I’ve been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. My timeline and my plan were interrupted and that frustrated me. I am struggling with both control and pride. Woah, goosebumps. My grandma would be so pleased that I am talking about this.

Pride and Control

In the scary moments, God took over and directed my life and my steps from April 27 to June 7. In the meantime, I had to fully surrender my time and my trust to Him. I did and everything did turn out fine, better than expected. It was a big moment of growth for me, as a member of a little club called ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ instead of trusting in faith. This was a big step.

But as human nature and sin go, as soon as things got easier I began to slack off. I have been a huge slacker in my quiet time with the Lord, in both prayer and consistently reading His word and dwelling on its meaning. We are called as believers to meditate on His word, instead I’ve been filling my head with other things. My focus shifted from God’s plan back to my desires.

I’ve felt this intense pressure to not let myself rest. To work, work harder, and don’t stop. I’ve been obsessing about how to make money with skills to provide again. How to feel validation and success in this big life step that has made me feel out of control. I’ve been craving the ability to make money, build our savings back up, quickly pay back the mortgage, and “feel safe” after such a big financial step.

How am I “unsafe” or in danger now though? This sentiment has been marinating in my brain for too long. I know why. I have not been properly nourishing my soul, nor have I been renewing my mind.

Wake Up Call

God provided everything and more when I was in danger of my life falling apart. This happened because I humbled myself and did it His way. I let Him lead. I’ve been convicted by the truth that Francis Chan points to in his chapter, Profile of the Obsessed. I woke me up to what I’m working towards and what I’m obsessed with and neither of those aligns with where my life was oriented towards through giving up control and letting God lead. I can’t just wrangle the control back because I’m scared. I have no idea where I’m headed, but God does so it is a lot safer to let Him lead.

I’ve been convicted by Chan’s words of truth that my actions since the house purchase and move-in have not been in my best interest, because I’ve given into my need for control. Sadly this demonstrates my lack of trust and faith, like a” micromanaging boss. I’ve told myself that I “know” better. This is too much to take on with the resources God has provided. The math is not mathing. I need to “fix” this on my own.

Oof, I sound like a rude, self-centered jerk.

The worst part? I am treating my Creator like this. I am ashamed.

Acceptance and Second Chances

Every time I think I’ve matured past my pride and need to control my life, this behavior rears its ugly head. But thankfully this past week, I’ve had to slow down and log off. My allergies went from 0-60 as ragweed pollen bloomed, my lack of sleep caught up to me and I began to feel worn out. Our internet has gone out twice and in those times I got my head out of Instagram, out of my to-do list, and away from blog posts and knitting deadlines, to read Crazy Love. Crazy Love is a book I started reading in the Spring, that I completely abandoned this summer because I was busy with other things. But without videos or music or scrolling to distract me, I found the quiet moment to get back to what was important. My relationship with my Saviour and getting nourished through God’s truth, this time by the encouragement and theology of Crazy Love.

In every page I’ve read in the past week, I’ve felt humbled and challenged to consider where my focus lies and where it should be. It has shifted to myself and my own wants, instead of God and his Kingdom. Safety and success I’ve put above what brings Him glory for my own. How can I ever expect to succeed without Him? Especially when everything good in my life comes from Him and at the end of the day is His.

The worst part is that my generous hand, who was fulfilled and rejoiced in giving, has been too scared about money to give with the same abandon and joy that I used to do. Because I’ve been worrying about money, seeing it with a scarcity mindset instead of abundance and gratitude for what I have. I am not talking about manifesting here, I’m talking about true gratitude and recognition for the provision of God. I’ve been doing this and not trusting in God to provide for my needs.

It happens so quick. I feel like Peter after the rooster crowed the third time. Or like the Israelites asking to go back to Egypt after God parted the Red Sea and delivered them from their captors because freedom was unfamiliar so they were afraid and would rather go back to the bondage they knew.

There’s a line in the song ‘Looking for a Place to Happen’ by the Tragically Hip that says, “Where they’d stamp on burning bags of sh*t.” Yeah, I feel like my efforts this summer, pushing instead of trusting, worrying instead of praying have been as useful as stomping on burning bags of poop.

Thankfully God is a God of agape love and second chances for those who humble themselves, repent, and follow Him. So that’s what I need to be doing this month. Resetting back to what sustains me, that is God, not my own effort. It’s humbling and freeing.

Proverbs 31 – The Lady Who Is Not Well Explained

In early 2024, I read through the book of Proverbs and planned to share more of my study, but this year, I’ve been feeling imposter syndrome about sharing what I’m reading and what God is teaching me. I’m not sure why either because I love cataloging my notes from my reading and sharing them here for whoever would like to read them. I enjoy a good book discussion and I want to see how my understanding of books, like books in the Bible, changes over time as I re-read passages and gain deeper knowledge of the text.

I’ve been doing this with Pride and Prejudice and other Jane Austen stories through a podcast/YouTube channel creator named Ellie Dashwood, who I’ve mentioned before. I’ve been watching through her historical videos which explore fascets of Regency Era England to bring greater context to the characters of Jane Austen’s works of literature. I think the combination of a video I watched following what Elizabeth Bennet’s life would be like as the lady of Pemberley and a recent video by With Love, Kristina brought me back to Proverbs 31 and the woman described. It’s a bit of a web, but I’ll explain.

In Ellie’s video, she walks the viewer through what it would be like to be a Regency-era lady of a large estate like Pemberley, which is a pretty fascinating thing to consider because we don’t learn a lot about this period in history classes! What we as the viewers learn is that Lizzie would have a rather full day. It’s honestly much busier than I ever thought because history tends to paint women in a few scant roles like wife or mother, object of desire, or damsel in distress. It’s frustrating because we aren’t that different from people of the past and it doesn’t make sense to me why women would be so lacking in life and personality until 1900’s?

I thought Lizzie would be a lady forced to read and not take long walks, as she so enjoys, and have to take turns about the room with Caroline Bingley. But actually, being the mistress of Pemberley gave her a lot of jobs to do. Like Cora in Downton Abbey, Elizabeth would be in charge of the house such as making sure it was running smoothly, would be in charge of entertaining, etc. Lizzie would also be in charge of running the budget of the house to keep their expenses within their means.

Pemberley is a large estate in Darbyshire, therefore they would have tenants and Elizabeth would make social calls as part of her role as mistress of Pemberley. It was part of building a good community. As the family with the most money and resources, they were to take care of their tenants, as lady bountiful she would call on the poor and the sick and bring them food from their table. They would also have people staying at Pemberley and balls which would be hosted at the estate that Elizabeth would be in charge of planning.

I could tell from watching the video that Ellie put a lot of research into discovering what a lady of the gentile class’ life would look like. I think it sounds like a much more fulfilling role than I imagined, especially with the income disparities of the time, I was happy to learn that if the family who held an estate like Pemberley were good people the poor and the sick would be taken care of as well as the staff, like we see in Downton Abbey.

How does this connect to the video I was watching the other day, from With Love, Kristina’s channel? She mentioned the woman in Proverbs 31 but challenged me to dig deeper than the trite “Proverbs 31 woman” stereotype that gets peddled around Christian women content on social media. I was quite pleased to hear what she reminded me of because it reminded me a bit of the Mistress of Pemberley as well as what life looks like as a 2024 woman.

Kristina is a full-time YouTube creator and fiction author who is also a stay-at-home mom with five kids. In a lot of her videos, she discusses the intentionality and work it takes to find a balance between all these roles. She is incredibly down-to-earth and that is why I find myself sticking around on her channel when she is not talking about vintage fashion, writing, neurodivergence, or vintage cleaning routines because I don’t have five kids, I don’t have any kids, but her real-life perspective and authenticity teach me things that I wouldn’t know otherwise and I find common ground where I didn’t expect it.

In the video that sparked me to write this post, she was discussing the outside opinions viewers share in the comments about how lucky she is to be just a wife and just a stay-at-home mom, and what she shared I connected with. My husband and I share labor, as I have transitioned in lockdown from bringing in income from my full-time job to pivoting towards a new path, my role changed. Since I temporarily couldn’t provide financially anymore for our lives, I wanted to take a more active role in the unpaid domestic labor that makes life happen. I became much more serious about housekeeping and cooking because it made me incredibly uncomfortable to not contribute financially. It was a struggle actually to let him fully take that role, something I continually struggle with and strive to change because that’s who I am.

I’ve had people in my life treat me like a spoiled brat who doesn’t want to work or got saved from working by my husband like I’m a kept woman and this truly irks me. It irks me how people in my life can’t see that paid or unpaid, domestic labor is work and also on top of that, I am working to build something for myself through knitting and sewing which is still in process. But just because I don’t have that “job” or typical career anymore, my time is devalued and seen as me “playing all day with my crafts” not spending 8 hours a day doing domestic labor and my own work on Instagram, the blog, and my current projects. It hurts but I can’t make people see things differently than how they want to see them.

This is where the Proverbs 31 woman stereotype came in, after I was laid off a few people in my life brought up the Proverbs 31 woman as my new role model from the season I was in being unemployed and just a wife. I could just “wife” like her and have kids and make my little crafts and donate to charities and be a woman of good moral character that is secondary to her husband. That’s what the Proverbs 31 woman is. But she’s not that actually if you read the text, and Kristina reminded me of this.

The Proverbs 31 woman works and has a successful income all on her own. She buys land with the money she earns and contributes to her family’s finances through her work spinning wool and flax into textiles. She is a wife, a mom, an artisan, and a lady bountiful with whom she shares her blessings with her community. She is a fully developed character with a big life. A woman that I can connect with and I think most women today will as well. She is not the watered-down version I see on social media that is mostly clothed in dignity and grace like good things just came to her because she is special. It’s not about health and wealth gospel and faith in God providing you with three wishes like Aladdin.

I think it’s a shame that we are under-explaining her in the Christian bubble to create engagement and sell people a fake sense of Biblical feminity. I love studying literature and seeing that women are not NPCs and haven’t always been NPCs. Women are an active part of the storyline. Both inside and outside of the Christian bubble, we should be able to agree on this and, sadly, it isn’t always the case. How much more could we be supporting each other if we realized this? How much stronger could our communities be? And how could this bring light to overwhelm modern-day women are experiencing?


Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
—
 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31:11-24, 31 NIV

Mark 14 – Dipping that Bread

Today was a good day because I remembered to do my Bible Study, a bonus for coordinating my Bible Reading by lying on my yoga mat. It is incredibly peaceful. I’m reading through the book of Mark which I can’t study without thinking of a sermon series at my childhood church in Mark, which if you don’t know is the shortest gospel and is written with the intention of conciseness and fast-paced structure. Ironically this series took years, literal years with a lot of repetition and I just find it amusing. But focusing on what is important here – I was struck by something new while I was reading Chapter 14, a couple new things actually.

This is not my first time through Mark or the Gospels or the whole Bible actually, I read through the entire book from 2020-2021. Today when I was reading through Chapter 14 which is all about Mary Magdalene anointing Jesus for burial, the Last Supper, the plot to kill Jesus, Jesus’ arrest, and Peter’s denial, I noticed something that I had added to the story by paraphrasing in my previous study. Like clearly was not listening or comprehending what I was reading, which I get distracted easily so no surprise there! Thankfully I have started praying before I study and asking God to help me focus only on Him and guide me to what He wants to teach me.

“And when it was evening, he came with the twelve.  And as they were reclining at table and eating, Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me, one who is eating with me.” They began to be sorrowful and to say to him one after another, “Is it I?” He said to them, “It is one of the twelve, one who is dipping bread into the dish with me.  For the Son of Man goes as it is written of him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born.”

Mark 14:17-21 ESV

This is where I was adding something! I was reading it as this sign that Jesus would offer the bread and the cup around and each disciple was going to have the chance to dip and only Judas does in this ultimate sign of his transformation. Revealing his true identity in a bold betrayal like a movie or a strategy reality TV show. This was his mic drop of shadiness!

It doesn’t say that or imply that at all, it says one of the twelve who is eating with Jesus. I totally read into that and added a whole bunch of cinematic drama that isn’t what God intended here. I was struck by how convinced I was that this was in the Bible when it’s not at all. Judas betrays Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane a few verses later.

I was shook by how I could be so familiar with a story and not know the actual details of the events! It shows why you read the Bible more than once, and you continue to study it because there is a lot in here and it is hard to remember everything as I should. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try though!

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It’s Not Busy Work, it’s Motivation in the Chaos

When I was a kid and honestly, into adulthood, I thought studying the Bible and understanding the entire story, the nooks and crannies of the book that get skipped over, well I thought it was a lot of busy work that I wanted no part of. Especially after those four years of academia, no thanks.

But then I saw people in my life, who did spend all that time being consistent in the Word have much less stress and worry, despite stressful and difficult things. It didn’t make sense to me. I just thought they were more mature than me or could handle life better, as each stress and challenge KO-ed me into a tailspin of anxiety. Maybe they were lucky? Tougher?

They might be, but honestly, since I decided to try their method and read the entire Bible from 2020-2021, I felt like I had a new well of examples to draw on when life got hairy. A reminder of God’s promises to think about instead of comparing my circumstances to others and questioning why this bad lot was happening to me. It sparked the faith and hope for a tomorrow that sustained me through the past two months.

It wasn’t an instantaneous change. I didn’t realize I had made progress until I put work in. Like with everything in life, building faith, learning to hope, and having a scriptural reminder to lean on during the tough days took effort and consistency. Like a workout plan, a garden, language learning, etc. It all takes time and practice. I think that is why there is such an emphasis on perseverance and courage in the Bible because in those moments that test us faith, hope, and peace arrive because you have taken the time to immerse yourself in the manner in which God does things.

It’s motivation in the chaos when nothing makes sense and even you are second-guessing your own choices. For example, the eclipse, which I mentioned before I wasn’t a fan of, but in the moment of the totality, unless you have the knowledge of astronomy to understand that the sun isn’t actually disappearing, it just appears blocked because of the orbit of the earth around the sun perfectly lining up with the orbit of the moon at the right time. Although I knew that was happening, the eerie feeling of the sun ceasing to shine in the middle of the day was bizarre! I knew it would come back and the eclipse would only last a few minutes, there was that little voice in the back of my head that was whispering doubt that everything wouldn’t be okay and the sun would get lost back there, maybe take a wrong turn.

That little voice of doubt lives in all of us. It comes out at the most inconvenient times! It has arrived and set up camp in my head through this whole house debacle. Through all the chaos, I was spending time in prayer but I was struggling to find time to sit down with God’s word and find new motivation. As a believer, reading the Bible is a source of refreshment, it feels like listening to a song which amps you up, I also do that too. (My current favorite is WORK by Ateez). I was worried through all the chaos that not spending time in God’s word would lead to me running out of gas and losing my heart to carry on.

In a recent post, I spoke to where I’ve been but all the chaos of our landlord’s decision to sell the house we lived in and offer us a sketchy deal on it was just the half of it, as we were looking for peace from her lack of boundaries and decorum, we were also looking for a new place to live. There were days when my landlord would dump a whole bunch of stress on my shoulders and then personally the details for our new house would throw down hurdles of chaos. Endless paperwork, the possibility of it not being possible at all, and having to find a new plan, it was a lot and I was surprised in those moments how scripture passages of encouragement from Psalms and Proverbs or stories of struggle by real people in the Bible would find their way into my mind. It would reinvigorate my drive to keep going. It kept me from quitting in frustration.

As a kid, things with my dad leaving us at an early age reinforced this narrative in my head that I didn’t deserve happiness or that the other shoe would always drop. Even though God provided a better life than I would have ever had with my narcissistic and verbally abusive dad, instead of focusing on the good, my brain has fixed on the bad. I have given up on so many hard things in life because I hit a bump in the road and just thought it was what I deserved. It sounds so silly to say it out loud. By digging into the Word over the past four years, that time of study has assisted me in pushing that voice down, in order to reframe what God has in store for me.

Things will probably get bad, over and over again. This world is fallen and can really suck sometimes. There will be jerks but there will also be good people. In life there will be times of joy and sadness, there will also be times of hardship. One setback is just a setback, not a lifestyle. I wish I had pursued studying the Bible sooner because I think there was a lot of peace available in my life that I refused to acknowledge. I did it the hard way, alone. It didn’t need to be like that.

Even if you are not a person of faith, I hope this encourages you to prioritize your mental health so that you will have a deep well to draw from on those hard days. You are not alone. I think you are awesome. ❤

#54 – Keep Flying

Happy May! This is my favorite month of the spring season. The flowers have bloomed, in their vibrant glory of fuschia and periwinkles. The leaves come back! I love seeing the trees all dressed in the green finery for another year. The warmth of the sunshine as it washes me in its light. It’s the joy of feeling warm without that roasting heat of June and July. We have wildflowers, the days are still growing long, and a whole season of outdoor activities stretching out in front of us – it’s a great time to be alive.

This May is going to be a whirlwind for sure. It’s happening in good ways and bad. I can’t exactly say why yet, but I’d like to share something this month is teaching me – how to remain calm when I have no chill because big life changes are happening. Does anyone really? I’m not convinced, but I see that being able to step back from times of shaky ground and change to find peace in the storm of confusion is the secret of adulthood.

I’m learning to stick to a plan and focus on the finish line. It’s teaching me how to push my worries back into my head relax my shoulders and turn my attention to something else. Am I doing this perfectly every time? Heck no! I was frustrated and worried, completely done and ready to wave the white flag last night. Staying calm is such a tricky thing. It feels like a balancing act with fine china ready to smash with any small shift. A tightrope act of processing my emotions, making a plan, feeling overwhelmed, getting tired, and usually I would feel looped in this circle of stress, unable to turn my mind off and get a breather to recharge.

Growing in faith and maturity has given me a new perspective on this feeling. I don’t like it and I actually want to do something about it. I don’t want to be tossed around by the sea of life. I want to roll it. Be someone who can accept what they cannot change and keep moving forward with joy in my heart. So I have been applying new strategies. I only complete one big stress task per day and then I move on to a normal task and a creative task. I’ve been more honest with the people around me that are my support system and have actually let them support me without isolating myself in a state of overwhelm.

Talking has reminded me of the bigger picture and that although there are some big things on the horizon, it’s going to be okay because I have people who love me. I’ve sought out fun things in the evening like watching familiar favorite TV shows, video games and good meals. I’ve been challenging myself to eat healthy instead of giving into stress eating patterns. I’ve been drinking herbal teas for my immune system and emotional wellbeing. I’ve been pushing myself to either workout or get outside, away from scrolling to clear my head and relieve stress.

It’s not just a bunch of Hocus Pocus it’s truly been helping. And personally, Kyle and I praying together, has been a game changer. Getting on my knees and praying instead of praying at my desk, or in the shower, or as I do tasks throughout the day, has made a big difference. Which to be clear, those are not bad ways to pray, in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 literally says, “pray without ceasing.” I’m learning a lot from all that is happening and I think, however everything pans out I am getting valuable life experience to keep going when it feels confusing or scary. Like it says in Firefly, find a ship, find a crew, keep flying.

I hope wherever you are, dear reader, that you are having a lovely day. I wish you a wonderful week and believe that it will be no matter what you are facing. There is a bigger plan at work. Thank you for spending time with me today, it means the world to me that anyone would take the time to read my blog. ❤

Finding Peace in Tax Season

In the United States, April 15th is our tax deadline. This is a date for me that has a lot of uncertainty. For most of my adult working life I have been a contractor which means your taxes are not taken out by your employer but instead you are responsible for setting aside the money in your savings that is paid out in a lump sum at the tax deadline. Now even though my job has changed, my husband and I are still navigating this setup and it has given us some uncertainty about how things are going to work moving forward in life, like how one saves for a down payment for a house when we aren’t sure how much we will be paying in taxes at the end of year, because our tax rates and tax laws seem to be shifting. It did this year for sure!

We were unaware that the laws had changed for all contractors, not just content creators, etc that you have to pay quarterly. I’m not sure how we were supposed to know to be honest because no information was shared although they advertise the tax deadline and tax services heavily from December to the deadline the next year. It’s been a stinging mistake because we learned there was a hefty penalty and a brand new tax rate that we were placed into, that we will not soon forget.

I think as humans, those big structures looming over us, like the government, cause a lot of anxiety in us because we want to believe that the social contract of Rousseau is what we are getting, but sometimes in those confusing moments like new laws and penalties without proper communication about it, it feels worrying. It took a lot of maturity and prayer this weekend to just accept that my frustration at myself and the lack of transparency was out of my control and that was okay. Like letting sand fall from my hands. As we paid our taxes for 2023 and then also unexpectedly had to pay for 2024’s first quarter, I had to accept that the money that felt like security was no longer mine, it was Caesar’s, and that’s the only answer.

And they sent to him some of the Pharisees and some of the Herodians, to trap him in his talk. And they came and said to him, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not? Should we pay them, or should we not?” But, knowing their hypocrisy, he said to them, “Why put me to the test? Bring me a denarius and let me look at it.” And they brought one. And he said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” They said to him, “Caesar’s.” Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they marveled at him.

Mark 12:13-17 ESV

The timing sucked and the surprise of paying both 2023 and the first quarter of 2024 in this economy felt like a bit of a free fall. I mean in life, I don’t love surprises. The good ones for sure are fun but those bad surprises can hang over us like a cloud and that’s what I didn’t want to have hanging over me. My husband’s birthday is coming up, and there are charities we support that I don’t want to let down. I’d like to continue dreaming about future plans, have extra money to be generous if someone needs help, or just not be worried about finances. To have that feeling of serenity in the changing sea of life.

Two promises repeated in my mind as we made our payments that helped me regain my peace, which honestly made no sense aside from God and his peace that surpasses all understanding.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Romans 8:28 NLT

 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

Matthew 6:26-30 NIV

I started thinking about the jokes people made on the day of the eclipse about going back to 2017, and where I was in 2017 with less than 100 USD to my name and no stable living situation, looking for a job as a new college grad and newlywed. It felt like my life was spiraling but then a year later I was stable with a job and a new life in Savannah. I think back to April 2020, newly laid off and with my husband’s employer looking at a complete NHL shutdown, none of it made sense, we just got back to normal and a savings, were we going back to square one three years later? And now in April 2024, I felt those same fears bubbling up.

Were we going back to that scary place? Was the rug pulled out from under me? How was God going to work this all for good? It’s funny to me now that this is the perspective I chose to focus on instead of thinking about how quickly God turns things around. In 2017, I went from rock bottom to a stable job and was ready for a big move in less than a year. In 2020, less than a year later, we were in a better situation than we left. If a big change happens, I need to remember to leave room for God to work instead of shutting down in fear and worry.

I find it to be no coincidence that I read a commentary days before that discussed the promise God makes in Romans 8:28. He works everything together for good, but He doesn’t promise it will make sense at the time, that’s where faith and leaning on His promises come in. We either choose to trust or we don’t, just like how we face trust issues with human relationships, we either trust people or we don’t. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s honest.

As the dust settled and we processed the tax situation, I realized that although the way things happened didn’t make sense as it was happening, it was going to transform our future for the good. I will never again have to dread that lump sum at the end of the year. With quarterly taxes, it’s manageable chunks, which will help us figure out a down payment for a house and what I experienced this time will never happen again. This was it and now I’m free. I also remembered that after these big financial “losses” happen God does something amazing with the smaller amount in ways that only He can. It’s happened over and over in these years since 2017.

Giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s and God what is God’s is also an important part of this process. Giving back what God has given us to serve His kingdom according to what Jesus says in Matthew 25 and remembering His promise in Matthew 6 is how we plan for the future, on His promises. Being greedy and being unwilling to share my blessings with others is a one-way street to unhappiness. So how will this all play out? I don’t know yet but I do know it helped me find peace in this moment of uncertainty and being released from the dread of tax season is the answer to my prayers even though the process wasn’t how I would have chosen it to be, it will be okay.

 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Matthew 25:35-40 NIV

I hope that by sharing this story, of my worries and my journey to peace that I will encourage you, reader in whatever you are facing right now. Life is such a rollercoaster and it is tricky in the tough days to remember it will get better. There will be brighter days. Financial stress is a tough adversary and I am still working through how to keep calm when it feels overwhelming.

Just remember you got this! 💪  Or in K-Pop speak, fighting!

Easter Traditions and Celebrating the Resurrection

For a while now, during Easter Week, I feel a bit like Charlie Brown, and like unsatisfied Chuck, I’ve been doing some thinking. Why does it feel like however I’m celebrating Easter that year, it’s just not exactly enough or appropriate for the gravity of what Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Resurrection Sunday truly represent?

Tradition!

Some of this feeling is my fault as I have changed churches a lot and gone through big moves and stretches of not knowing where to attend for a complex of reasons. That being said, I remember as a kid the feeling of joy and exaltation that filled the house from Palm Sunday on when I lived my grandparents. There was the music, a 1995 Easter cantata that my Grandma would play while baking tea rings, a Swedish wreath shaped pastry, for us and the whole neighborhood. It was a tea ring factory filled with music that told the story of Jesus’ triumphal entry, his walk to the Cross, his death and Resurrection, as told from different perspectives of witnesses.

My grandparents, I see now as an adult, gave me an example of balance for this holiday, because it wasn’t somber and it wasn’t trivialized into a holiday about bunnies and chocolate with a splash of Jesus. There was genuine joy, faith, and love for others expressed. Grandma would usually play piano at church on one of the Sunday services and Papa would help serve communion as part of his duties as a church Elder. He and I would enjoy the Easter chocolate after service and my extended family and friends would come over after church for a meal. There was usually a small candy egg hunt for me and my cousins too.

Since then two things have changed in my experience of Easter – the absence of family for those traditions and the absence of faith in our Easter celebrations.

When my mom got remarried I experienced my first Easter holiday where believing Easter was about Jesus was weird. My new family were and are some of the nicest people I’ve met and yet, this day was so weird because I’m not exactly sure what we were celebrating? As they grew up in the church but had moved away from the faith into adulthood and raised my cousins without any context of Jesus, it was an odd day, full of love and great memories, but a bit hollow? It was eye opening in a good way of the bigger context of the world and how not everyone believes the exact same things as you but you can still get along. It was a point of maturity for sure and put this ache in my heart for the old holidays with my grandparents.

The weirdest of these experiences for sure has been the holiday with traditions but without family. Do traditions matter if there is no one to share them with? It’s a weird place to think through because you don’t want to lose your family traditions, but like, you can’t help feeling like its dead without the rest of the family to share with. And this is not because my family all died, no just my grandparents did, and my extended family on that side lives within a 10 mile drive of each other. They simply have no interest in getting along anymore and have just dropped our family connection because of silly disagreements and its sad. Being on the receiving end of it it honestly feels like crap. There have been holidays I have absolutely dreaded because of this and its taken time to start to be okay with the new normal of being an island.

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Something that has helped me move forward to a new normal has been to focus on what the holiday is actually about – Jesus’s death and resurrection so that we can have salvation from our sins and become a new creation in Him. In doing this I found myself ironically back at the same problem, no matter how I celebrate this day it doesn’t feel like enough. Until yesterday while I was doing dishes and was daydreaming, I thought about something I think is profound.

I think the reason this holiday in the United States feels a bit flat is because this day represents a moment in humanity that is a bit bigger than just a day of remembrance. It’s a day where I want to give thanks to God for sending his son to do this amazing work of redemption. It was the ultimate gift that I have received. It symbolizes a new start and also a day of freedom and independence from my sin. It is essentially four of our major holidays rolled into one – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the Juneteenth/4th of July. Because of this I’m not sure if I will ever feel truly satisfactory with how I celebrate this holiday. I don’t think its possible and that’s okay. And potentially how the Reformed Presbyterian church (as much as my Wesleyan mind grumbles giving Calvinism the nod here) is right and celebrating the resurrection every Sunday is the most satisfactory.

So I guess my point here from all my rambling is that I miss my family, I wish they would come back but if they don’t its okay because there are others who love me that may not share my beliefs and the ultimate point of this holiday is not ham, candy, or pastry, it’s the resurrection and what we do with this fresh start. Giving in love of our time and our resources to bless others with what we have to continue what Jesus started almost 2000 years ago. He is risen! He is risen, indeed.

Getting to Know the Women of Proverbs

To start 2024, I’ve been getting to know Lady Wisdom, the main character of the book of Proverbs. It’s an interesting dichotomy from what people usually think of the Bible. There are a lot of male main characters and perspectives, and as a woman, do I wish there were more stories I could relate to? Yeah. This study of the book of Proverbs took me down an existential rabbit hole that I have been mulling over sharing. What God revealed to me was an extraordinary takeaway that helped me fall deeper in love with the truth revealed in these pages.

I’ve read Proverbs once all the way through. I’ve made attempts before and got bored or distracted. What’s funny about this book of the Bible is that it is one of those books that as a passing verse or shared takeaway this book grabs my attention. It is probably one of the most easily quoted books, besides the Psalms, for those nuggets of wisdom. It is wisdom literature and poetry so it makes sense why it is so sharable, connectable, and poignant for a casual reader to get drawn in.

As a 21st-century female reader, sometimes it is a bit tough to get as engaged as I read through the book itself. The structure at first glance seems weird. First of all, King Solomon was incredibly wise and yet also incredibly irksome to consider as a king. He had a thousand wives, and endless riches, and gave in to outside influences that led to corruption. Like King David, who wrote most of the Psalms, Solomon was not perfect. He was a human. Even the best humans to ever have lived had their failings. As Isaiah 64:6 says, “We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.”

It is not King Solomon who was wise on his own accord, his decision-making on his own was pretty meh for lack of a better word. King Solomon’s wisdom came from God and all the wisdom he shared in Proverbs was God-breathed so even though it is difficult for my modern brain to separate Solomon’s failings from his work, as we are so apt to do in this social media age, it’s important to acknowledge that the purpose here came from God who is perfect using an imperfect vessel to deliver the words to page because that’s how God works. He redeems His creation.

The next hiccup that trips me up when I read through Proverbs 1-10 specifically are these metaphors! There is a ping pong of contrasting images. Lady Wisdom and the adulterous woman. Again because of being a 21st-century girl this both inspires and gets me all wound up in frustration. Which puts me in a quandary, how can I be annoyed when I believe that all scripture is without error. I was pondering this one night as I was doing my devotions and I was struck by a deep thought.

Who was studying this book when it was written, i.e. who was its original audience? It was written for the education of Jewish readers, due to societal norms at the time this would be men. Particularly in the case of temple schools. I realized God was clever. What is one of the most powerful, attention-grabbing tools? I’ll give you a hint, HBO loves to use it. Sex.

The adulterous woman imagery and the comparison of the adulterous woman representing folly is not an indictment on female character, it’s a strong, attention-grabbing image that is easily understood by the men being educated by the text. Literally, as I’m writing this, Seven by Jungkook just started playing, which is a catchy tune but you can’t dismiss that the lyrics and imagery aren’t one of the reasons it became so popular in 2023. That is ironic and weird timing, but anyway, I realized how deeply God understands how our human brains work. I was humbled by this and weird as that might be, this book of Proverbs was written with literary excellence and conciseness to get the point across without mincing words.

In comparison to the imagery of the noble Lady Wisdom, the adulterous woman is a stark contrast. With the characterization of Lady Wisdom, I realized another thing about how our human minds work – we love to look up to our moms and grandmas. The noble Lady Wisdom is that wise woman in our life directing us to be better by example. It’s an image that these scholars would find easy to remember. It’s a genius structure that I plan to dive deeper into by sharing my notes from my 2024 read-through of Proverbs.

I know this one went down a rabbit hole, but I’m learning that speaking with truth is not against what being a believer is about. Frankness is not wrong and logically exploring what trips me up as I read the Bible is also not wrong because it is an exercise in getting to know someone, in this case getting to Yahweh. Until next time ❤

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