To and fro my footsteps roam, upon the miles of white, fluorescent aisle – vast, void, verigated, vexing wanderings. Where to next? Weaving textiles. Fiber miles spin, spun into nothingness. A paywall of digital footprint. Add to cart.
Yesterday, Today, and Forever
Tariffs. Bird Flu. Ragebait. Clickbait. Speculation. Social Media. Everyone has an opinion. Eggs. But you’re telling me no one has a solution? Anger. Tears. Can no one else see the Ha Satan clearly?
Closures. Monopolies. Let’s spiral. Small business. Big business. DOGE. AI. Algorithm, subscription fatigue. The death of personal style. Kindle downloads. Call BookTok, this 1984. The world is full of NPCs. Could you wake up from your main character energy?
Quiet the voices speaking lacking wisdom. Who knows no good deed. I’ve had enough. Power. Riches. They are for fools. Feel a calling, verses come into focus. So perfectly timed. Elohim. YHWH. Passing over. Lent is upon us. Cling to truth.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
Hebrews 13:8 NIV
My Winter Soundtrack 2024
Strategy – Twice
Typewriter cadence of chewing sounds on romaine lettuce – Mia, the bunny
Jamboree! – game narrator, Mario Party Jamboree
Pages turning – Kyle reading Seed Catalogs
Falling Up – Stray Kids
The Valley Comes Alive – Stardew Valley
Whirring of a small motor – Kitchen Aid Mixer
Silence blanketing the air – A night of steady snowfall
Large Hop – Mia, leaping into her hay pan
Wowie! – Luigi, Mario Party Jamboree
Sprinkles shaken from their jar – Cookie-decorating
Hallucination – I.N.
The opening of a bag – Mia’s treats
Scissors gliding through paper – the act of wrapping presents
Night – Stray Kids
Well, there’s your problem! – Adam and Jaime, Mythbusters
Departures TV Show Opening Soundtrack
ABCD – Nayeon
Shock and disgust – My mom sprinkled cumin on her Swedish Tea Ring Pastry dough instead of cinnamon
A metal shovel scraping a concrete sidewalk – my neighbor shoveling early on Christmas Eve morning
Hairdresser Reacts – Brad Mondo
Paper rustling – Ricola Cough Drops
Glug Glug – Pouring my facial toner into my hand
A Plastic Lid opening – Fluffernutter Marshmallow fluff
Walkin’ on Water – Stray Kids
A smug Snowboy – Animal Crossing New Horizons
Oh No! – Toad, Mario Party Jamboree
Explosions – Mythbusters
Oh Fuuuudge! – Ralphie, A Christmas Story
Jimmy Carr’s laugh – Big Fat Quiz Show

The Curse of Rusty Twill
Like a slinking shadow, the smell crawled through the air, around corners, through doorways into my senses. A stench. Burnt, rotten, the stank of a memory I wanted to forget. Alive in the darkness, its origin story, a wasteland of fashion monsters of dye. But what was it that was haunting me? Is its origin or its nightmare of an olfactory bouquet?
It began one innocent day, the day I met the monster of rust and cotton. On an innocent bolt it dared to rest its head, in the middle of the broad day, have it no decency? It was a fabric unlike any other. It called to me. Upon its skin was a color shift, a creasing of sorts that changed it from a monotone to a cacophony of lighter wrinkles depending on its movement. Oh, little fool you were then, innocent, blind. Dreaming dreams of Japanese raw denim and its way of embossing life on its fiber with wear and time. This was no Japanese denim. This cotton twill, was its foil, a disappointment wrapped in the innocence of Hobby Lobby’s fabric aisle. A devil creeping.
But our devil wasn’t creeping, it was clever. It hid its true form, pretending to be normal, a kind soul of twill and natural fiber. A fabric you can count on for pants, jackets, a workhorse, a staple. These were my dreams before the nightmare began.
Maybe it achieved consciousness? An impatient menace, you waited in my fabric cabinet as we packed up and slumbered in our storage unit as time passed by. Did you act out because you thought you were forgotten?
How could I forget how we met? It was one golden summer day, a day full of promise. A new life began in 2×4 frame and carpeted meadows that roam my floor. A washer and a new dryer. As I invited you out of your slumbering resting place, your weave was rough, and a little stuffy, but I thought nothing of it.
That was your warning sign, a marker of what you are. We walked together. I carried you down the steps. I wanted to keep you safe. Gently I washed you with my hypo-allergenic laundry soap. There were no corners cut. I welcomed you into the fabric family but this was no ordinary wash. Something changed about you in that water. You became a monster. Swampy. A whiff smacked me across the face.
In horror, I smelled the washer. A stench emanated from the room. What could it be? My mind raced – did something crawl into the washer and die? Shaking off the fear, I placed you into the dryer which was a deal with Winifred Sanderson. A cauldron of heat and dry air transformed you into a thing of scent not even a dog could love.
With the dryer’s final squeal, I plucked you from your transformation machine. A stink with strength. Fortitude and funk. Your form was different. Your threads were softer, malleable, and even toned. But your evil had spread, and with fear, I pulled towels from the dryer. They became one of your covens, in a soft amber tone. The smell, it was pungent, accosting.
Lost in thought I carried you upstairs and contemplated my fate. Was it the washer or perhaps the dryer? That old, squeaky dryer. What kind of mayhem did the dryer succumb to in its former life? Was it contagious? I shook the thoughts from my mind and tossed the towels back in the hamper, encrusted in a stench that made me question whether they were washed with soap or copper pennies.
But you, the problem, the evil in rust and twill, you, I placated with Febreze and time. I brought you back to my sewing studio and waited. Instead of getting to know the Febreze and fresh air, you woke me up to the stench of your fibers wafting from the room. You evangelized your rancid agenda and spread it throughout my room. A beast of smell, there you sat proudly, smirking at the work of your hands.
You were an enemy beyond my wildest dreams. A creature lurking in the depths of the nose. An odor I could taste, it lingered, it languished in my mind into paranoia. And that was what it was living with you after your second wash, you monster.
I tried to live with you, accept you for your true form but the stench of your dye was a war cry of all that comes from you. You lead the charge of fashion’s destruction of our peace. Rust is your form. Toxic, destructive, you had to go.
I thought you were going to win. Even with you out of my room, your smell lingered. A nightmare with no end. Burnt, acrid, copper pennies, a smell that dries out the senses like the desert of Fury Road. Why must you torment me?
You gaslit me. A smell that lived on. The towels held on to your evil. Third wash, a scream at the growing wall of your fortress. A sinister scent crept, it jumped from the towels to anything washed them with. An evil baked in. Will this nightmare end? What do you want from me? An enemy without logic but hungry for conquest.
The stench was set into the fiber of your being and I played right into your trap for revenge. Foolishly I gave you more to feed on, as I looked in sadness at the towels helplessly smelly lying on the floor. Could they be saved? How far would your campaign of olfactory pain carry on?!
Your rusty threads were a root system taking hold of me. I could feel them choking me in my dreams. A smell that could not be forgotten. A creature unwilling to die. An assassin of fiber. Mutated from fast fashion’s evil realm.
One day, when io began to lose all hope, a bright light, like a sword dropping from the heavens came to me. A plan. I hurried before you could imprison me forever in your devilish arms, running towards the light. I had to dispose of you and your ground zero stank.
With all my might, I held back your reach, your scaly hands from taking the towels with you. A splash of white vinegar. A bottle of vinegar. I drowned your sinister stench, I killed it in the name of all that is good and pleasing, fresh air rejoiced for the freedom to exist again.
Although you are dead and buried somewhere far away, I worry you’ll come back with your creeping stench. Rusty twill of my nightmares…I think you might be alive.
What Does a Shadow do When the Shape is Gone?
Day breaks upon your expectant face, and the birds sing for you.
A cup of coffee and a table set.
Sunrises, newspapers, the melody of your voice.
I’m lost without your light.
Shadow, little, shy.
They tell me to keep going. Chin up, grow up but I still feel small.
Morning is not as bright. The bird’s song is hollow.
What is coffee if you’re not making it?
Little, shy. Goodbye.
—
And just like that, 4 years pass by?
Winter Light
A jolt of life. A bright, warm, hope!
Vast blue sky, a wash of cerulean lifts above my head.
All worries, fade. Care melts from my shoulders.
A hope for tomorrow! Truth breaks through the lies.
Darkness lasts for a moment but life springs forth
to sunshine’s embrace. A welcome friend.
You comfort my soul and invigorate my mind!
Welcome home, welcome back, bright, blue sky.
Dark Winter
Rosy, golden haze breaks through the greige. Dark, lifeless sky.
I miss the sun on my pale, blue eyes.
The sun on my face? A vampire’s disgrace!
Winter is finally getting to me.
The wind has whipped, into the ether
and clouds slip, like a blip, and slide away into gray nothing monotone before I can comprehend.
I dream of snow. I dream of the sun. The crunch of cool.
November rain, December shadows, January freeze, this nightmare will not end.
Skipping Stitches
Skipping stitches, a court of witches has taken my needle by storm.
Stretch knit slips. Stretch knit slips!?
Another scarred and tattered hem.
Gremlins in the machine? I think I’m going to steam!
From my face, the anger boiling in my heart…
Was this project doomed from the start?
I Found My Missing Manuscript
I have exciting news! Yesterday, while I was transferring larger video files from my phone to my Google Drive, something amazing happened. Honestly, it was one of the most surreal things I can remember happening to me.
As the files transferred, a folder with several documents that I swore were deleted, showed up in my cloud. At first, I thought they must be just showing the recent files I had looked at because, to be honest, I don’t go into my drive very often. I saw old work documents I deleted and Udal Cuain. So, as a joke, I clicked on it expecting my drive to tell me that the file did not exist anymore. But to my surprise, that’s not what happened!
I found every draft version of my unfinished manuscript from 2018 – Udal Cuain in this folder. It had the original version, the version with an updated timeline and calendar, the version when I divided the document into two books, and the draft where I began revising and changed the beginning.
It was all there, but it shouldn’t be. I clearly remember deleting it. I remember deciding I never wanted to work on it again. And dang, after looking through all the work I put into this story over two years, I am so glad that whatever glitch happened, did happen because I regretted deleting it. I really did.
I looked at the word count yesterday, around 124,000 words or 250+ pages single-spaced. There’s too much work there to abandon. I have to revise it, right? If I took out the dark directions it drifted towards and reengineered those motifs to a place that reflects who I am instead of who I was trying to be, it could work. It could really work!
I already had a non-fiction book idea I was planning to write this year, so I guess, what is one more project? 🙂
I’m grateful and excited to get started on the revising process because this shouldn’t have happened and I am pleasantly surprised that it did. It makes those lost years of confusion and wandering in a desert of shut doors feel like they were all for something important, something that started that I should have never given up on just because I got a job.
I never thought I would see that project again, and in some way, that’s what I needed for a time, but in 2023, I began to question if I made the right choice abandoning it. I wish I hadn’t but learned to accept that I made a choice and that was that. It’s taught me to keep hold of things, and wait and see instead of making snap decisions. I guess it’s maturity. But, I’m getting a second chance here and that’s pretty freaking awesome!
To Rest and Not Wonder
Toss and turn.
Crash and hiss.
Waves break upon my mind’s own sigh.
I see distortion, of water in senseless motion.
I want to find an oasis,
the peace of pillow and sheets.
To rest and not wander.
Wondering whether I meant anything to you?
It’s rising in my mind.
Will I find a break in the tide?
Pondering my queue of regret, does 1:30’s Captain sail forward or back?
History wakes so I can’t sleep. Missing you.
The idea of you,
seems bigger than my eye shut.
But I’m a princess when you’re a pirate.
My sword, my cuts, sink our hope of steady winds.
Will I find a break from this tide?
I see distortion when words don’t take motion.
It’s bigger than the wind in the sails.
Hair in my eyes, hiding my hunger, my hunger to cut lines.
1:30’s Captain by the water of senseless fortune
I want an oasis!
The peace of pillow and sheets.
I miss you.
