Category: kpop

#70 – The Cold, Patience, BBC Pride and Prejudice

This winter, it’s wildly beautiful with it’s near constant snow accumulation (uncommon for where I live) and icy drops in temperature where we spent a month or so below 32 Fahrenheit. These rhythms of snow, ice, and cold fronts entering the atmosphere on a Friday and lasting all weekend led to many weeks of waiting, being still, escaping to my Stardew Valley farm. Waiting for the winter to pass, knitting away my boredom.

Time Passing Marked By Candles

We made a balloon arch for my birthday, a Brooklyn 99 high honor, and I decorated the living room with Stardew Valley garlands, making the time lost to snow and ice marked with something to remember.

In this waiting, I’ve had unwelcome house guest of Winter, the lingering cold. I had a troubling cold over Christmas, with sinus pain that kept me awake through the night. I thought it was gone as we entered January but I realize now the cold retreated but hovered in the shadows throughout the long mid-winter until Valentine’s Day when it re-animated and gave me some of the worst congestion, ear-aches, and sinus pain I can remember. I couldn’t lay down without the sinus pressure pain building, I couldn’t sleep. I felt miserable.

The Grim Night

I think the hardest part of feeling sick is the mental part. The patience to do nothing, and let go of the goals in your  mind. It’s boring! There was a few days of utter boredom. Knitting felt like too much, taking naps would trigger the sinus pain, and I remember   feeling useless, empty, and void of joy.

I felt deeply frustrated. Why was I going through a second round of this? Why is this happening to the point that I can’t write, or work on my projects, I can’t even keep up with my share of the housework. How long until I feel normal again?

When we lack health, it is the only thing we crave. It truly is more valuable than money. As I go further into adulthood, I growing in appreciation for the little things like health, a boring day where you feel great, and you tend to forget this feeling looking back on it. It blends with the others, but those ordinary moments are what give us such rich life.

Like those mild days of the year, those 60s or low 70s and sunny days, they blur in the background of the weather extremes, but really those days were probably the most mood boosting of the year.

Shall the Shades of Pemberly Be Thus Polluted?

One of the few things that gave me joy during that week of sickness was BBC’s Pride and Prejudice 1995.

It was my first watch. I’ve read the book and watched the 2005 version, but this series had escaped me. I think I put it off because I though it was a hipster scheme. How could this one be so much better than the 2005 movie? With its soundtrack and cinematography? The hype was real, it’s spectacular.

It’s a series I could watch again, and again, for those nature shots and the beautiful furniture. The costumes are true regency in design, compared to the 2005 version. Each character is flushed out like book and it is simply a treasure. 😍

Nothing Nice to Say

February and January to be honest have been a challenge for me creatively. I haven’t known what to write about without it sounding like I am complaining. There is a lot of crap going in the world and it’s been a struggle for me to keep my eyes fixed on the good.

When I’m in this mood, like I was during our house buying process in May 2024, I struggled to write on here as well. I didn’t want to complain and also didn’t feel inspired because of the distractions. And so, time passes.

In this time I’ve been listening, reflecting. I’ve been enamored by the latest Bible Project series. I’ve been waiting for the final blow for Joann’s which happened. I’ve been researching new sources of yarn and fabric, keeping my eyes and ears open for new brands to fill the void.

I started reading again – beginning with an attempt to re-read Crime and Punishment which I shelved for now after Semyon Zakharovich Marmeladov‘s long rant in the bar. I was feeling too sick at that point to envelope myself in that misery and pivotted to Six Crimson Cranes by Elizabeth Lim.

I have filled my days with the soundtrack of Aespa, Stray Kids, and Red Velvet. We even started a new K-drama, Crash Landing on You, which I’d like to write about along with Business Proposal and Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

We’re re-watching Only Murders in the Building and laughing our way through Impractical Jokers. All the while I’ve been working on several knitting WIPs that I look forward to sharing! Along with a Mia update, she is one happy bun, and has become a cuddly little friend who desires our company. My heart is full. 🥰

I hope wherever you are in the world, you are feeling healthy, loved and know how much I appreciate you, reader, who spend time with me here. I wish you a lovely weekend!

24 Month Japanese Update

To be a good student, one must show up to class. This was my downfall in 2024. To be fair moving and buying a house literally blew up all my goals, but so did my intention to grow my Instagram. With these distractions, Japanese was not my priority for three-quarters of 2024, and I’m ashamed to say 2024 was a wash for progress.

But there was one bright spot in the year, I found a new learning app for Japanese called renshuu. With renshuu, I was able to dive into learning Japanese syntax and begin learning how to think in Japanese. It helped me see phrases and sentence structure so when I was watching videos with Japanese subtitles or listening to Japanese spoken or sung, my mind was primed to notice the familiar building blocks.

Another feature I liked about renshuu was its user-friendliness. The renshuu app developers seemed to care about learning, ahem, compared to the green owl, my learning nemesis named Duo. renshuu has Kao which looks like a mochi-based character which is our language learning guide.

Like I believe I mentioned before, I spent the fall watching Haikyuu for language immersion and a little Nana. In addition, Stray Kids’ Giant album was a Japanese release so I have been listening to music in Japanese too. The songs ‘Falling Up’ and ‘Night’ I played on repeat after their release with the new season of anime, Tower of God. I’m hoping I learned more passively than I believe. It’s hard not to feel discouraged by my lack of focus. I like excelling at things, but I can’t excel if I don’t try. My focus for my language learning in 2025 is simply to do it, no more excuses.

Are you learning a language? How do you stay focused? I wish you well on your language-learning journey, be a better student than me! Until next time, thanks for hanging out with me today. You reader, keep me accountable to keep learning Japanese.

My Winter Soundtrack 2024

Strategy – Twice

Typewriter cadence of chewing sounds on romaine lettuce – Mia, the bunny

Jamboree! – game narrator, Mario Party Jamboree

Pages turning – Kyle reading Seed Catalogs

Falling Up – Stray Kids

The Valley Comes Alive – Stardew Valley

Whirring of a small motor – Kitchen Aid Mixer

Silence blanketing the air – A night of steady snowfall

Large Hop – Mia, leaping into her hay pan

Wowie! – Luigi, Mario Party Jamboree

Sprinkles shaken from their jar – Cookie-decorating

Hallucination – I.N.

The opening of a bag – Mia’s treats

Scissors gliding through paper – the act of wrapping presents

Night – Stray Kids

Well, there’s your problem! – Adam and Jaime, Mythbusters

Departures TV Show Opening Soundtrack

ABCD – Nayeon

Shock and disgust – My mom sprinkled cumin on her Swedish Tea Ring Pastry dough instead of cinnamon

A metal shovel scraping a concrete sidewalk – my neighbor shoveling early on Christmas Eve morning

Hairdresser Reacts – Brad Mondo

Paper rustling – Ricola Cough Drops

Glug Glug – Pouring my facial toner into my hand

A Plastic Lid opening – Fluffernutter Marshmallow fluff

Walkin’ on Water – Stray Kids

A smug Snowboy – Animal Crossing New Horizons

Oh No! – Toad, Mario Party Jamboree

Explosions – Mythbusters

Oh Fuuuudge! – Ralphie, A Christmas Story

Jimmy Carr’s laugh – Big Fat Quiz Show

#67 – Decorating, Snow, and Small Upgrades

Christmas knitting is full swing and I am yet again behind! This happens every year to me. Oh well. But, this is one of my favorite seasons of the year and I wanted to share some tidbits that have made this year a little merrier.

This is the first Christmas in our house. It was special moment unboxing our decorations that have moved with us from apartment to apartment that can now be rested here. Some are heirloom pieces that lived a life long before I was born, such as the nativity my Grandma cast in the 1970s. Others are ornaments given by piano students.

The Christmas village was my mom’s and I remember putting it out in on the third floor, our little apartment within my grandparents’ house. I can’t believe the journey it has been on with me through my life. I am also excited to have a staircase to decorate with garland like my mom and Grandma have done each Christmas. It makes it feel like home.

The next thing that has filled this time with joy, has been the fresh paint of my sewing room. Kyle graciously primed the woodwork and painted this room while I was sick. It satisfyingly looks like the color scheme of my bedroom at my mom’s before an ice dam melted through my ceiling in 2015, destroying it. I’ve missed this mauve-lavender color. I took the opportunity to rest my Stray Kids, NCT, and Aespa posters. I like the minimalist cozy atmosphere this room radiates now with this simple makeover. It was a room I kinda hated before with its janky woodwork and boring walls. Now it looks complete!

We’ve been blessed with a little lake effect snow and it has been a marshmallow world. The views here become serene and open without the leaves. Some may see this as bleak but I love the transformation of snow and the peaceful slumber of the nature for the winter months. I hope we get more moments like this.

Lastly, we made some upgrades to our first floor before Thanksgiving. Our daybed’s framework broke. Instead of buying new furniture, Kyle set to work on designing a whole new base frame for the couch, complete with storage drawers! We also updated our front door with stained glass window film. Cheap? Yes, but, it allowed us to remove the broken blind that was an eyesore while maintaing privacy until we decide on a permanent solution for this door.

At 20 USD it was an affordable way to create character to a pretty ugly door. We’re making slow progress on updating the house, but as time goes by I realize, it’s part of the fun and changing everything all at once, if we had the money (which we don’t) would be pretty boring! Anyways, I hope wherever you are you have a lovely day and thanks for stopping by my little blog. Now, time to get back to Christmas knitting. I can’t wait to show you what I’m making! 😁

Bunny Plush Keychain

Recently, I shared a Knit Star Plush Keychain Pattern, but that wasn’t the only keychain I’ve been working on. Behold, a knit bunny keychain made from repurposed fabric! This keychain was inspired by my Skzoo Quokka plush keychain which I have styled on my purse and belt loop. I was tempted to buy more as this trend has been all over my feed this year, but that’s unrealistic. So I thought, in Jeremy Clarkson fashion, how hard could it be?

This key chain was made by repurposing a pair of underwear, that was weirdly made without any stretch. They had no purpose but to be trashed, which I didn’t want to do because they were brand new and I liked the pattern and color story. So I wondered, could I translate this to a plushie and I could make this plushie into a keychain without buying any materials beyond the keychain hardware? The answer is yes!

I used a pen to draw pattern pieces onto the underwear by designating the fabric into four ear-pieces, two head-pieces, and a rectangle piece that would be used to connect the keychain hardware. The rest of the fabric was cut into small cut pieces that would be used as the stuffing. This worked like a dream!

I chose to sew this item by hand because of the small nature of the project. The pieces were too small and delicate to sew by machine with any semblance of control or care. It was a quick make and took one day to complete. I sewed 90% of the ears, turned them right side out, stuffed them, and then set the ears aside. Next, I repeated this process with the circle for the head and stuffed it. When I was certain that all the stuffing was divided between the three pieces adequately, I sewed closed the ears and head. Next, I attached the ears to the head. Finally, I sewed the rectangle and threaded it through the loop of the keychain before attaching it to the bunny plushie. I opted for an abstract look so I did not decorate the bunny plush with a face, therefore if it spins around it doesn’t matter what side is facing out.

Overall, this was a quick and thrifty project with the hardware coming in a pack of two for $2.99. I used the other clip on the knit star plush project. This type of plushie could be made with any scrap fabric you have and could be adapted into other animals. It would be an easy DIY gift too!

Were My 2024 Fashion Predictions Accurate?

At the beginning of January 2024, I made a post for fun predicting what I thought would become popular trends in 2024. Now that it’s December, how well did I do? I accurately guessed 6 out of 10 of the predictions I made! So what were these trends that I predicted and what did I get wrong? Let’s jump in!

Gameday Outfits

The NFL had a moment this year with the spotlight of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, and her gameday outfits became a source of public fascination. This created a wave of gameday outfit inspiration online, sparked by Blokecore in 2023. This carried on through WAG fashion and trickled into the mainstream. The Paris Olympics created fashion buzz, as did the movie Challengers. There was a rising fascination for F1 in the US. Not to mention the popularity of the team-branded baseball cap and Adidas soccer shorts paired with a button-down shirt. This one was a big deal and was unifying to be honest because who doesn’t like at least one of these sporting events? There is something for everyone.

Patches and Visible Mending

This definitely became a trend as DIY fashion and upcycling continue to grow in popularity online for sustainability and creative expression. Mending and learning to sew continues to rise in popularity as people choose to opt out of the fast fashion loop in search of clothing that will last all while standing out in a crowd. I think we can agree there was a hive mind within fashion since the Tik-Tok “core” aesthetics took off at the beginning of the decade and we are all looking for original ideas again.

Colorful Knit Accessories

Similarly, knitting along with crochet has continued to grow in popularity as hobbies and as a way to create DIY fashion by hand. It was so popular that chatGPT patterns and AI-created crochet and knit images cluttered the creative space. With Balletcore being popular, so were leg warmers and slouchy socks. Fingerless gloves, colorful hats, and brightly colored vests made 2024 what it was – a fiber artist paradise.

Exaggerated Tailoring

This was seen on the runway, with tailoring having a moment with trousers, vests, and blazers finding popularity once again. Dramatic shapes were popular on the runway. I also saw vests and dramatic trouser shapes in mainstream stores. I think this should always be in style so let’s keep in that way fashion trends. It’s a classic.

Resurgence of the Flip Flops

Yes, these were hailed the “It girl” shoe of the summer after Gisele Bundchen (yes I know I’m missing the umlauts) was seen wearing them. The specific flip-flop brand Havaianas, was the iconic style of 2024, but luxury brands tried to corner that market with $900+ flip-flops. I think it makes sense for these to come around again after how long the Birkenstock sandal has been the favorite choice, followed by Tevas, it’s the next logical evolution from clunky to delicate. Personally, all three of these drive my feet nuts but I’d probably choose the Teva for comfort or flip-flops for sheer chillness. Flip-flops were also worn by athletes at the Paris 2024 games.

Jersey Shore Nostalgia

Indeed Ed Hardy and Von Dutch did trend again this year! Mainly with teens and tweens, but this styling returned to the runway with Kim Petras’ Spring 2024 collection which featured Ed Hardy’s iconic designs. I’m excited for this era of fashion to return because I enjoyed the late 2000s-early 2010s fashion and the over-the-top spectacle of it. I’m certainly more for this than the mob wife styling of early 2024.

Parasols for Sun Relief

This one I thought, was a long shot but it made sense for it to become a trend because of how practical they are while protecting skin from UV damage. They are technically better for the planet than single-use sunscreen. I was not wrong. This market is projected to grow from 2024-2032 as the parasol or sun umbrella market is anticipated to grow globally. In 2024, there was significant growth as a trend for Japanese men. That’s a result! 🙂

What Did I Miss the Mark On?

  • ARMY-core was not a thing even though all BTS members were in the military this year, no trends emerged from this across the K-pop sphere. The only popular examples of camo I saw were from Chappell Roan’s ‘Midwest Princess’ camo hats from her tour and the Harris-Walz campaign hats which copied the same style.
  • Gilded Age Finery did not take off like I hoped. The only instances I found were Bad Bunny’s Met Gala look and Paris Fashion Week using late Victorian and Regency era opulence as inspiration for glamour.
  • Bonnets this was a flop except for two key shifts. One I hope I explain right because I am not familiar with the hair culture. According to a few articles I found black men styled bonnets as a protective hair style in 2024. Secondly, hats became popular again with rope hats and pillbox styles being the most talked about.
  • Cosmic Cowboy or Sailor Cowboy would have been accurate if I had dropped the qualifiers. Cowboy was the most iconic aesthetic of this year with cowboy styling, media, and country music being a key player in pop culture. Americana in general had a moment which is odd but hopefully a turning point for unification in my divided land.

What were your favorite style moments of 2024? And did you participate in any of these trends?

Knit Star Keychain Pattern

Back in the spring, I had this grand idea that I would learn how to crochet. I had a friend who crocheted next door, I had recently found TL Yarn Crafts on YouTube. Toni made it look so fun. I was enamored by what I saw others creating with crochet hooks. Crochet rose in mainstream popularity again through 2020 and beyond in 2024.

My Impression of Crochet

The internet is chock full of crochet plushies, dresses, sweaters, bags – you name it you can crochet it. I didn’t see this kind of creativity from my corner of the knitting internet. I had this impression that knitters were serious and crocheters were mavericks. So the hook was calling to me.

I bought a crochet hook and spent a few weeks watching videos, perusing a book my neighbor lent me, and getting the hook into some loops. It’s a weird transition from knitting. I apparatus from two is a change. There is a posture, one hand, and yarn holding. There is a new way to keep yarn tension, and there are a lot of new stitches. There was more emphasis on turning your work than the orientation of the wrong side and right side. Single crochet and double crochet were not a one-for-one of knit and purl. That surprised me.

Granny squares were a bit more involved than I expected. It’s an art form that deserves respect. I definitely respect it. It kept me back, I had the tightest tension and felt like I had never done yarn crafting before. I was shocked, shouldn’t this be a piece of cake? I’ve been knitting off and on since 2012. Yeah, it’s not that simple.

Fluff Around and Find Out

To be honest, the way that I learn best is to just go for it, and doing these basic crochet stitches on a project that was a rectangle, all while it looked like a tattered mess was discouraging. I wanted to make one of the little plushies or shapes that seemed to be a sculpture that only crochet could create. But I was seriously not getting it. So I paused and thought about it. Is there any way to apply this creative point of you, the sculpting of yarn that only crochet can, but try it with knitting needles?

This might seem weird to consider if you don’t knit or crochet but the processes seem vastly different to me. There’s a strategy to knitting. You have to do things in stages, like knitting a section and transferring stitches to a stitch minder or picking up stitches that were bound off or are just part of a knit edge. While crocheting builds on itself and is an amorphous thing that is truly sculpting and adding as you go.

So I decided, what if I made something with the sculpting element of crochet but with knitting steps. I decided on a star as you can see above that was crafted out of multiple knit sections that were stitched together. This pattern has a lot of little steps but I think it was effective.

Star Knitting Pattern

Star Point Diamond – Row 1: Cast on, Knit 1, Row 2: Purl 1, Add Stitch, Row 3: Knit 2, Add Stitch, Row 4: Purl 3, Add Stitch, Row 5: Knit 4, Add Stitch, Row 6: Purl 5, Row 7: Knit 4, Decrease 1, Row 8: Purl 3, Decrease 1, Row 9: Knit 2, Decrease 1, Row 10: Purl 1, Decrease 1, Row 11: Knit 1 and Bind Off.

Repeat four times until five are made. Then using a tapestry needle, join the five points together at the center so that you have the base for a star, then join the sides of the diamonds together so that you have a flat star. Repeat the whole process one more time so that you have two flat stars and then sew them together with the tapestry needle.

So now that you have a star what can you do with it? I had planned originally to make a star garland for Christmas, but then the Fire Nation attacked and I had to move.

So we pivot to the bag decoration trend of 2024. This is a combination I’d say of Kpop, Xiaohongshu style trends, and the Japanese Ita bag becoming popular in the West. If you would like to learn more about Ita bags, I would highly recommend Addy’s video on YouTube. And these little stars in the original green and its pink starfish cousin have made excellent DIY plushie keychains.

Finished Product Used as a Keychain

Final Thoughts

I think creativity is about experimentation and learning as you go. I think sometimes it is important to do it the normal way and other times it is more satisfying to try a new method, a new medium, and make something you may not have thought you could. I still have incredible respect for crochet and I also think knitting has more potential than I thought. I have also learned that if a key chain or other small trinkets are not specifically branded I should try making them before I buy. It’s a great way to use up materials in my stash, level up my skills, and keep my consumption down and my wallet happier.

Favorite K-pop Spooky Music Videos

It’s Halloween week! Here are some of my favorite k-pop music videos to watch during this time of year that provide that festive fun. Red Velvet does horror-esque music videos better than anyone else in my opinion. I love how goofy Stray Kids music videos can be, they always look like they are having fun!

First mention is Chill Kill by Red Velvet. This one pulled me into the story so well that I gasped when the twist came. This album has been on repeat for me since I rediscovered Red Velvet this summer.

The second mention is Venom by Stray Kids, one of the first music videos I watched of theirs after Maniac. I love the theatrics, the spider, and the way they use shadows.

Good Boy Gone Bad by Tomorrow X Together was my first introduction to TXT and I didn’t know this is a weird, less loved song from them. I thought the music video was fun.

Next is Up All Night by Bang Chan, Changbin, Felix, Seungmin which came on my radar by either Starminy on Instagram or Kpopandcranes. What a fun ride! It’s like if Noel Fielding got to plan an episode of Bake Off.

Peek-A-Boo by Red Velvet is a song I’ve been listening to recently and discovered the music video is pretty spooky. I adore how weird they are.

JJAM by Stray Kids came out this summer and dang its such a fun ride. The green jam reminds me of Nickelodeon Slime.

Witch by Xikers was released this fall and wow, it has made me a Xikers fan. I love their new album and have listened to this song over and over again.

This last one is not technically a music video, but a special Halloween performance video.

The Black Cat Nero performed by Ateez is not my favorite song but I like the rock opera style of it and feels true to who Ateez is as a band, they are storytellers and performers who commit to their performance.

What’s your favorite Halloween inspired media for the season? Happy Halloween everyone!

#64 – Weather Changes and Shifting Projects

I find myself in an October slump which I discussed in a previous post. Last year I was much less productive with my writing goals in October than I wished, and its happening again! I’ve paused on sewing and have taken time to recharge, yet its still happening! I think I know why, the weather.

Since we were in Erie, my hometown has been having some pretty cool temps which has sent me into the knitting zone. I have been working on a cowl, some mittens, leg warmers, and reading up on how to make socks.

It’s been my trend for a while, I tend to focus on sewing fall/winter pieces in August and September to be prepared for the first cool days. Then in October when it drops and I get that first taste of cold hands or ears, I hurry to knit those cold-weather accessories. Like a light bulb goes off. It’s fun making things with the seasons too.

Stray Kids have been going insane with song releases so far this month too with two soundtrack releases for for the anime Tower of God and a third collaboration for Arcane on Netflix. Itzy and Ateez released new albums in October as well, plus Aespa’s upcoming release on the 21st, it’s been a distracting few weeks. Not to mention Mario Party Jamboree which I cannot wait to play tonight!

Currently, I’m dabbling in colorwork and its unlocking this whole world of possibilities for intricate storytelling across the canvas of wool.

I have a few knitting projects I excited to share that were the start of these colorwork projects. I just need to motivate myself to put down the needles and type.

Maybe I’ll do that now? Okay, I’ll meet you back here in a few. 🙂

Gotta Work? Got To Surrender First.

Since we settled in here, I’ve had a rough time. I’m not sleeping well consistently. It’s been a challenge to let down after a season of being on guard, on point, agile, and ready to work. I’ve felt behind on my own timelines after my workroom was boxed up and put into storage for a few weeks.

It was just a few weeks, but it felt longer, and I know why. I’ve been convicted of this as I’ve been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. My timeline and my plan were interrupted and that frustrated me. I am struggling with both control and pride. Woah, goosebumps. My grandma would be so pleased that I am talking about this.

Pride and Control

In the scary moments, God took over and directed my life and my steps from April 27 to June 7. In the meantime, I had to fully surrender my time and my trust to Him. I did and everything did turn out fine, better than expected. It was a big moment of growth for me, as a member of a little club called ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ instead of trusting in faith. This was a big step.

But as human nature and sin go, as soon as things got easier I began to slack off. I have been a huge slacker in my quiet time with the Lord, in both prayer and consistently reading His word and dwelling on its meaning. We are called as believers to meditate on His word, instead I’ve been filling my head with other things. My focus shifted from God’s plan back to my desires.

I’ve felt this intense pressure to not let myself rest. To work, work harder, and don’t stop. I’ve been obsessing about how to make money with skills to provide again. How to feel validation and success in this big life step that has made me feel out of control. I’ve been craving the ability to make money, build our savings back up, quickly pay back the mortgage, and “feel safe” after such a big financial step.

How am I “unsafe” or in danger now though? This sentiment has been marinating in my brain for too long. I know why. I have not been properly nourishing my soul, nor have I been renewing my mind.

Wake Up Call

God provided everything and more when I was in danger of my life falling apart. This happened because I humbled myself and did it His way. I let Him lead. I’ve been convicted by the truth that Francis Chan points to in his chapter, Profile of the Obsessed. I woke me up to what I’m working towards and what I’m obsessed with and neither of those aligns with where my life was oriented towards through giving up control and letting God lead. I can’t just wrangle the control back because I’m scared. I have no idea where I’m headed, but God does so it is a lot safer to let Him lead.

I’ve been convicted by Chan’s words of truth that my actions since the house purchase and move-in have not been in my best interest, because I’ve given into my need for control. Sadly this demonstrates my lack of trust and faith, like a” micromanaging boss. I’ve told myself that I “know” better. This is too much to take on with the resources God has provided. The math is not mathing. I need to “fix” this on my own.

Oof, I sound like a rude, self-centered jerk.

The worst part? I am treating my Creator like this. I am ashamed.

Acceptance and Second Chances

Every time I think I’ve matured past my pride and need to control my life, this behavior rears its ugly head. But thankfully this past week, I’ve had to slow down and log off. My allergies went from 0-60 as ragweed pollen bloomed, my lack of sleep caught up to me and I began to feel worn out. Our internet has gone out twice and in those times I got my head out of Instagram, out of my to-do list, and away from blog posts and knitting deadlines, to read Crazy Love. Crazy Love is a book I started reading in the Spring, that I completely abandoned this summer because I was busy with other things. But without videos or music or scrolling to distract me, I found the quiet moment to get back to what was important. My relationship with my Saviour and getting nourished through God’s truth, this time by the encouragement and theology of Crazy Love.

In every page I’ve read in the past week, I’ve felt humbled and challenged to consider where my focus lies and where it should be. It has shifted to myself and my own wants, instead of God and his Kingdom. Safety and success I’ve put above what brings Him glory for my own. How can I ever expect to succeed without Him? Especially when everything good in my life comes from Him and at the end of the day is His.

The worst part is that my generous hand, who was fulfilled and rejoiced in giving, has been too scared about money to give with the same abandon and joy that I used to do. Because I’ve been worrying about money, seeing it with a scarcity mindset instead of abundance and gratitude for what I have. I am not talking about manifesting here, I’m talking about true gratitude and recognition for the provision of God. I’ve been doing this and not trusting in God to provide for my needs.

It happens so quick. I feel like Peter after the rooster crowed the third time. Or like the Israelites asking to go back to Egypt after God parted the Red Sea and delivered them from their captors because freedom was unfamiliar so they were afraid and would rather go back to the bondage they knew.

There’s a line in the song ‘Looking for a Place to Happen’ by the Tragically Hip that says, “Where they’d stamp on burning bags of sh*t.” Yeah, I feel like my efforts this summer, pushing instead of trusting, worrying instead of praying have been as useful as stomping on burning bags of poop.

Thankfully God is a God of agape love and second chances for those who humble themselves, repent, and follow Him. So that’s what I need to be doing this month. Resetting back to what sustains me, that is God, not my own effort. It’s humbling and freeing.

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