Category: kindness in the culture

#47 – Goodbye February

This month has straight up stunk. It was a pinball of coming off those allergic reactions I mentioned in #45 – Allergy and Winter Winds, coming down with a cold or a cold, getting better, having an allergic reaction to my eyeshadow, getting another cold, discovering my body wash and loofah combo was giving me irritation, in the form of friction hives, and having to stop drinking camomille to get the hives to go away. I was stuck in this loop of discouragement and I definitely let it live in my mind leading to worry and feeling stuck, basically, like this gif when Kim and Ron switch bodies because of Drakken’s body-switching machine. It was one flip to another flop, nothing progressing, just stuck.

That is life, it kicks our butts, leaves us discouraged, and some days feel like a bunch of little things going wrong are going to give us death by a thousand paper cuts. But honestly, that’s part of the journey of existence. Life does not give us any guarantees that each day is going to be sunshine and rainbows, some days are like a tsunami, and other days are like tripping, repeatedly. I’m thankful that it was only a bunch of small little things breaking my focus, instead of one of those big things that shake us to our core. As a highly sensitive person, I can let the little things swirl around in my head until they are big, shakeable problems that tower over me. These little setbacks taught me something pretty important, I need people in my life. I crave it more than my introverted nature is willing to admit.

On those days, when I felt frustrated and down, lost in the worry of my own head, the thing that pulled me back to the light were people. They helped me remember that I wasn’t alone, but instead that I am loved and needed by others in return. There is purpose and worth in the person I am in being there for others in my life.

It was the small things, Kyle taking care of me when I was feeling really crumby, like asking if I had taken medicine or refilling my water bottle before I realized it was empty. Him doing the dishes, cooking dinner, and making me tea in the morning as I was super slow pulling myself out of bed. Those are huge when you are feeling sick and he is so patient with me. Or my neighbor, who texted me one morning because our Amazon packages got mixed up, remembering she is next door and always there if I need a friend. A phone conversation with a friend, talking about anything or nothing, but the connection of catching up after a while and spending time in that bubble together is such a refreshing reset. Having one of those low-maintenance friendships where she texts me out of the blue and we spend time catching up writing digital letters to each other until the conversation fades, knowing we’ll pick it back up later on. Admitting to my mom that I was scared because she was having complications from her surgery this past summer, saying the fear aloud and facing that I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. A quick chat with my stepdad, talking nonsense but having a blast doing it. My brother-in-law video calling me out of the blue to catch up as we both cook dinner.

Those little moments of community, pull me out of the funk I was in faster than I realized. We really need people. This modern life is lonely. If nothing else, from this month, I learned how dissatisfied I am with the digital barriers there are to the community and how I don’t want to settle anymore. Because people matter and we need them even if we get peopled out easily. Goodbye, February, my relentless gremlin and ironically, the frank teacher I needed.

Haiku & Breakfast Valentines

When my husband and I first met, I claimed I hated Valentine’s Day and to be honest, I think it was more annoyance at the emptiness of this day. Valentine’s Day as a commercial commodity sucks. The heart-shaped everything, the push to have the perfect romantic moment, the jewelry ads, the lace, and beyond, it’s a lot. It seems fake.

As a teenager and into college, I was hoping for that perfect K-drama boyfriend to sweep me off my feet. A Mr. Darcy moment with all the intensity of a look or a hand flex. I liked being single until this day, like everyone else, and let societal traditions determine my worth on this day. Which honestly was quite dumb because I had better examples than this.

Card on My Plate

As a kid, living with my grandparents, I knew every Valentine’s Day morning Papa would wake up before us all and put cards on each of our breakfast plates – one for Grandma, one for my Mom, and one for me. This was important for me to see, I realize now, with my Dad out of the picture, it was wonderful to see how pure this expression of love was. He wanted all of us to feel loved and appreciated, and no one left out. Because his actions were driven by affection, each one of us was special to him in different ways, and by including all of us it made the day about love, in the fullest sense.

The tradition continued even after we moved out on our own, and eventually, as our extended family grew to become a whole family tradition where Grandma and Papa put together little gift bags for every person – all 18 of us! These little heartfoil bags had homemade cookies, homemade fudge, chocolate-covered pretzels, etc. It was adorable, even as a moody teenager, this little goody bag brought me a smile. It reminded me that even though I felt like a weirdo on Feb 14 for not having a boyfriend, as soon as I stepped foot in their house, it didn’t matter. That wasn’t the point of this day. I was loved, just as I was, and was special.

Handmade Cards & Poetry

Elizabeth was wrong and Darcy was right, poetry is the food love. Especially if its origins are authentic and well-founded. Like my new tradition with my husband, a handmade card, and a bit of poetry. Now, I requested a handmade card when he asked me last year what I wanted for Valentine’s Day because he is an excellent handmade card maker. He has an intricate eye for stamping and paper crafting. What I didn’t expect but was pleasantly surprised by was his poem.

My husband doesn’t like to write poetry, I do. He has claimed he doesn’t understand it but he does, because he has a wonderful appreciation for song lyrics which to be honest are just another form of poetry.

Darcy: “I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love,”
Elizabeth: “Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.”

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

So when he surprised me last year with an original poem in my card, it gave me butterflies because it was a brilliant series of verses, tailored to our inside jokes. Of course, I asked for a sequel this year! And did he deliver! For my birthday, he dipped his toes in with an original haiku inspired by a tradition to close episodes of a certain show we adore – James May: Our Man in Japan.

The haiku was incredible in my opinion, it perfectly captured the essence of a moment which I believe is what haiku is about. I’m not talented with haikus, the syllable work has never meshed with my creative process, but my husband’s eye for detail shined in this form. Inside this year’s handmade gem of a card were four haikus! He truly outdid himself and in such a heartwarming way this new tradition reminds me of those delightful little valentines we used to exchange in elementary school.

Be a Valentine of Four Loves

According to C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves, there are four distinct types of love to express – Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape.

  • Storge is an empathy bond that originates from affection. The natural love, like between a parent and child.
  • Philia is the friend bond, it is a strong bond built on shared interests. This is the type of love expressed in friendship and between siblings.
  • Eros is romantic love, the sense of being in love compared to just being about sexual attraction and desire.
  • Agape is the expression of unconditional “God” love, also known as charity. It is a love that is steadfast and exists regardless of changing circumstances. It is selfless love.

When I first studied these in college, these four terms were not what I quite expected but they changed the way I see relationships, maturely and more healthily. Actually, learning about Philia helped me realize a crush I was stuck on wasn’t my love, he wasn’t even my friend, he was nothing. But a certain new guy, a new friend (my future husband) I already had philia with after a few months and eros was brewing.

What is my point in sharing this? Well, this day about love is quite narrow-minded in our culture, and my whole life I think the wiser people in my life have been trying to show me this. Now in my romantic relationship, I’m getting the opportunity to express many versions of the four loves. Ironic isn’t it?

This day of love should be more than just a day focused on eros, it has the foundation to build upon to be a day about extending agape love to others. What if this day was not about commercialism but supplying needs, filling the void of loneliness with random acts of kindness, and to the best of our ability expressing unconditional love to our friends and family? This could become a new favorite holiday for many of us!

Empty Cup of Humanity

It’s January, mid-winter. It’s the NHL mid-season, a time when we look to the championship season, it’s all the internet can talk about. The Stanley insulated cup in hot pink and red versions. THE Stanley cup.

Stanley Has Arrived

What is the Stanley Cup? The oldest championship trophy that is currently awarded in North America. Dating back to 1892, it was commissioned by Lord Stanley of Preston, the Governor General of Canada at the time. It is the symbol of victory in the NHL. (The Hockey Writers 2023) The ultimate goal of players and franchises alike. It is the most coveted Stanley Cup, right? Not even close.

Enter 2023, the year the Stanley insulated cup with straw, handle, and lid, retailing for USD 45 each became THE cup of choice. These two cups may be shiny, metal, and iconic holders of liquid but only one has sent a wave of chaos in 2024. Specifically the Target x Stanley Cup Valentine’s Day Tumbler and the Starbucks x Stanley Winter Wonderland Tumbler. These two limited drops have made me question, truly, how empty the cup of humanity is. And how do we refill this empty cup with improved priorities? 

A disclaimer, I’m not judging people’s interests. I have wanted an old-school Stanley thermos for years. It’s a cool technology and built to last. These cups are pretty cool. The handle looks sturdy, and it’s easy to drink from too. The colors are cute, even the ones featured in these winter drops. What I am unimpressed with is the scarcity of marketing tactics for these limited drops, the dark side of a highly individualistic culture that rears its ugly head in these situations, and the out-of-control reseller market. What was concerning about this release was the character exhibited by a few which echoed louder than the positives. 

The Drop into Nonsense

On December 31 the Valentine’s Day cups were released at Target to customers camping out, harassing Target employees, and caught on camera running others down, shoving, and fighting over cups to get a piece of the merchandise. Similarly, the Starbucks release (in Target) on January 3 had extra spice on top. Thanks to the modern age of TikTok and filming in public, a Starbucks drop in San Bernadino showed how far people will go to get their hands on these exclusive water carriers. First, there was fighting in the line, next a man jumped over the Starbucks counter, working in tandem with his sister, they attempted to grab merchandise and dash. The man shoved the barista out of the way and grabbed a box of cups while his sister tried to grab cups already purchased by customers and ran for the doors. Luckily, they were not the best burglars because the man was tackled by others in line before he reached the door. His sister was only able to rip the Starbucks paper bag. The most amusing part of the video was that they left and came back because the man left his phone, and left again as the police were on their way. These clips I saw by the way through Kiki Chanel’s Youtube channel, she put together a great video about the subject that put this on my radar. (Kiki Chanel 2024)

In her video, she also shared clips of these limited-edition Stanley cups being listed by resellers online with a ludicrous. (Side note, I realized I don’t know how to properly spell ludicrous without looking it up – my brain defaults to Ludacris.) There were also clips she found on TikTok of people purchasing a substantial number of these cups, with reselling appearing to be the intent. After I saw the markup these cups have on the resale market it became clear why, in this economy, holy moly it is quite the profit! These USD 45 Stanley cups are being resold online for between USD 90-230. That’s an insane return if you can move them. And this is where I believe we can reclaim our empty cup of humanity. 

Social Clout 

I understand the economy is rough, inflation is happening and everyone could use extra income but this is silly. It’s a reusable cup, and price gouging, hoarding, and stealing to resell to pay the bills? This is hardly Jean Valjean stealing a loaf of bread to feed his family. The Stanley tumbler is not a necessity, it is a status symbol for social clout. Its market value is also not permanent. As we know from the virality of TikTok, this will be replaced by a new thing before those who use these have time to even enjoy these cups. I’m more of a water bottle girl so I’m not participating in this trend, but a lot of people have. They are a symbol of social standing, but they don’t have to be. It’s not that deep. 

This morning on the radio, I heard a story that truly was a shame to hear but I know it’s true because I remember this happening when I was a kid. It’s human behavior. A girl received an off-brand tumbler for Christmas and took it to high school to use because she liked it. The girl was bullied for not having a Stanley Tumbler and her mom bought her a Stanley Tumbler to stop the bullying. (WayNation 2024) I know why her mom chose that as the solution, her mom gave her the off-brand tumbler for Christmas, and as moms do, she probably felt like the bullying was her fault. She wanted to fix it and I got it, my mom would do the same. What sucks about this whole situation is the barometer of the culture and the values prevailing by the bullies. 

Hypocrites We Are

Gen Z and Millenials are supposed to be environmentally conscious. If she was using a reusable cup, who cares? It’s hypocritical to bully her and then encourage overconsumption by prompting the parent to buy a new cup to stop the bullying. Brand names do not maketh the man or woman. Manners do, to quote Agent Galahad of the Kingsman (Vaughn 2014). Bullying will continue its bullying ways because the manners and moral convictions of the bullies were not addressed. That’s not the responsibility of the victim or the victim’s mom.

The Bailey Button Sweater Uggs, Miss Me jeans, the Sidekick, the iPod classic, Livestrong bracelets, the North Face jacket, Abercrombie’s Moose Logo, Rhinestone Affliction Tees, etc. These were some of the sought-after items of my high school experience that we coveted and felt less than for not having, but at the end of the day, it was just a thing. An item. None of those things matter now. Are Affliction or Miss Me even brands anymore? The point is people matter, and things pass away. Isaiah 51:6 NIV says, “Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.” God created us for more than this social construct.

We are giving material goods too much agency in our lives. Materialism and overconsumption are rotting our brains. We thought Black Friday madness died in 2020, but the terrifying reality is that it has risen from the ashes like a phoenix in the name of scarcity marketing. After the holiday rush and spending from November to Christmas, scarcity marketing created two Black Friday-type scenarios less than two weeks later. And it can happen again and again and again, if we let it. But we don’t have to buy in. We can choose to not let our worth be defined by our participation in trends and we can keep our greed from taking advantage of others who are lost in their greed and worship of trends, to preserve our humanity. 

Closing Thoughts

USD 45 can do a lot of good. It can feed members of our community at a food bank, it can provide toiletries and shelter to homeless missions, mosquito nets, provide education and reconciliation through prison ministries, help those who are rebuilding after natural disasters, and provide necessities and shelter to refugees of war. The possibilities are endless for what that money can do. I get caught up in consumerism too, I have gone through waves of shopping addiction and still struggle with retail therapy. The first step though, is acknowledging the problem and taking a step back to evaluate and reconsider. Not living solely for ourselves but for our communities and for me personally, living for my Savior has been instrumental in freeing me from the crushing weight of overconsumption and trend cycles. Because at the end of the day, it is an empty cup. 

References

The Hockey Writers. 2023. “Stanley Cup: Stats, History, News.” The Hockey Writers. https://thehockeywriters.com/docs/stanley-cup/.

Kiki Chanel, dir. 2024. Episode The Stanley Tumbler Craze is Out of Control, “Kiki Chanel.” Aired January 4, 2024.

Vaughn, Matthew, dir. 2014. Kingsman: The Secret Service.

WayNation. 2024. The Wally Show, radio program, daily morning show. Nashville, TN, USA: WayFM.

Truth in Love

Daily writing prompt
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
View all responses

That I told the truth, with respect and dignity toward others. That I told the hard truth in love with good motivation. I hope they could say that I was not swayed from the truth when outside pressures were vying for supremacy in my mind. And when I failed I didn’t hide from the truth of my failure to make it right, instead, I humbled myself for the sake of truth.

 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

The Proof of Your Love

Yesterday I was knitting and catching up on Youtube videos when my playlist took an interesting turn. I watched two videos back to back from different creators that touched on the same message, an important message that actually prompted me to think deeply about a TikTok video and its eventual dragging by the internet. Now, I am not a fan of TikTok or TikTok culture. I think that it is changing how we interact in some harmful ways, like encouraging main character syndrome and resurrecting toxic beauty standards, but I am learning to have an open mind because of something key I learned recently that broke my heart.

A lot of people my age and younger don’t feel like they have friends and people they can count on. There is a growing loneliness and a lack of community, even though we are theoretically more connected than ever. I know that I have felt seasons of loneliness crash over me since I became an adult, and there were years when I didn’t feel like I had any friends my own age. But I was never truly alone because I had a community around me and family, I realize now that I’m older and more mature that I was incredibly blessed to have them and that having family and community and friends is not a guarantee.

Even writing that feels unnatural to me, how is being alone the default now when there are 8 billion people on this planet? We are seriously doing something wrong if this is the reality some people are facing and I want to do something about it, but I’m learning that some people think this is a joke and that kills me.

Now, people my age and younger share a lot of their lives on social media, something that is received with mixed reviews from our parents and other people older than us. It is seen as odd, opening ourselves up to trouble, or self-centered which yes, there is a main character syndrome, but honestly is that what Karens do too? So it’s a human problem to do that, exacerbated by social media, but what I learned recently is that people are sharing so much because our friendships are declining or non-existent and the only human connection some of us are receiving at the moment is sharing with our social media friends, who most of the time are people that are more like acquaintances or could be total strangers to us. Our real-life friendships are dissipating into relationships of sending reels back and forth instead of having a conversation, why are we doing this? Because we all live too far away from each other, are too broke to visit each other and for the majority of people, work a 9-5 that is consuming our time and ability to keep up with relationships.

This is where TikTok comes in again, there is a video by a creator named brielleybelly123 that is making the rounds on the internet for her honest emotional breakdown because she is feeling overwhelmed by how lonely her life has become due to her 9-5. She is a recent college grad who is working a 9-5 job that requires hours of commuting. She is far from family, and friends, and the ability to get to know new people. She is community-less and the reality that this is her everyday worries her. This is an incredibly valid feeling to have, I mean who hasn’t been overwhelmed by changes in life? We all have those moments, I did going into high school, college, every new job, and after every move to a new city I’ve made. Actually, my current town is the first place in seven years since moving out of my mom’s house and I have a friend in my town. Like a legit girl friend that I can lean on in good and bad. In those seven years, I’ve also strengthened the long-distance friendships I have with friends from college and childhood, but if I hadn’t been able to keep those relationships going, I’m not certain if I would have any friends. Which is quite bleak to think about.

We are relational beings created to be in community, to be loved, and to love. This morning when I was listening to music, this truth hit me deeply as “The Proof of Your Love” by For King and Country filled my ears.

[Verse 1: Luke]
If I sing but don’t have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don’t have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Verse 2: Luke]
If I give to a needy soul
But don’t have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Bridge]
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it’s all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

[Monologue: Joel]
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day
And if I have faith to say to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing
If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere
So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I’m bankrupt without love

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

The song is based on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 which says “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

What is the point of the 9-5 grind and gaining the world if you lose your humanity in the process? And I would argue that having love is an essential part of our humanity and what makes us keep going. And so I was disturbed by something else I saw before bed last night, that brielleybelly123’s honest cry was being mocked by conservative-leaning people who claim to be believers. I’m sorry but that doesn’t align with scripture. What does align with who God calls us to be is to love your neighbor as yourself, and to serve the widows, the orphans, and the lonely. When Jesus came to live among us, he sought out the outsiders of society, the lonely ones. American exceptionalism belief of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is in direct contradiction to what really matters, God’s plan for how we interact with each other. It is disgusting to me to be honest that people are making whole videos making fun of her, but in the same breath will claim Christ. What is the proof of your love commentators, hm?

Now I’m not saying this is easy, or that we don’t all make mistakes. I literally fall short all the time, but the important thing is that we stay on the road and keep trying so that the proof of our love speaks to something bigger than us.

So, What Do You Do?

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

I believe that everyone should know that your worth is not defined by the career you currently do or do not have.

I wrote an essay on this subject during my post-grad meandering and I believe in this sentiment even more in the eight years since.

Growing up I didn’t realize how blessed the people in my life were because they had steady jobs at the same company. My mom worked for a civil engineering firm and then switched jobs to work at her alma mater when I was five so that she would be commuting less. My Papa had steady employment as a chemistry teacher, a defensive coordinator, a dean of students, and an athletic director. My Grandma had a well-established piano lesson business and worked a 40 to 50 hour schedule of teaching from home. Their careers were not their entire personalities but I associated them as a child with these occupations, I dreamed of being as successful as them, never thinking that a recession or slow job market was possible, I was a kid. It made sense to me that if you worked hard, developed skills, or got a degree that work would find you.

It was quite troubling to me when I put the work in and found myself failing to launch my career at 22. Two years of applying, interviewing, and finding nothing to show for it in my decaying Rust Belt region was a bit hit to my confidence, my ego, and my identity. I would dread social gatherings and new acquaintanceships because of that one lingering question. That dark cumulus nimbus hanging over all interactions – so, what do you do?

A lot of things! I wanted to reply, but any answer other than what my job title was would receive looks of disapproval like I was being immature. As a kid, adults seemed to celebrate things that you are interested in but as an adult myself, they looked at me like I wasn’t trying hard enough. That I was lazy, that I was failing. Falling behind. Nothing going for me. The conversation would either stop there or there would be more questions to get at the root of why I wasn’t where they were at 22 with a job, a house, a spouse, a kid, etc. Once I got married a little pressure came off, but then I was just a wife and unless I hinted at a due date or a new job, the same puzzled looks appeared.

Now this opened my eyes to how poorly we communicate and how shallow our relationships have become in North American society. It’s not dissimilar to how the question of “How’s it going?” or “How are you?” should only be answered with one reply – “Doing well.” or “I’m fine.” Because no one really wants to know, it’s just a greeting. A passing ship. If you answer the question with depth, that’s weird or too personal.

But we don’t have to stay in this place. I believe with each interaction we can change this on a personal level, and it starts by knowing that you are more than what you do. You are not defined by your career or your bank account, that is not where we gain our worth because we are humans and not stock portfolios!

It’s Me, I’m the Problem

I want this post to be as real as possible. As I am currently tapping these keys into letters on this virtual page, I am uncertain if this will actually get posted. I don’t write enough and I think that is because I get too into my head. Perfectionism takes hold and I let the ideas flow out of my brain and into the atmosphere. I let myself talk my creative mind out of ideas that may be wonderful. I stumble and overthink. I’ve been thinking about what’s on my mind today for a couple months now, actually a couple years if I take stock. Okay, here it goes.

I’m bad at going to church, I’m not even sure if I like it or have ever liked it. Yikes. I said it. But I want to be different because I would like to have a community in my town and also keep a teachable spirit throughout my life.

Early on, church and school melded into one – private Christian education. That remained a constant throughout my time at college. Becoming an adult and reflecting on my time in church communities across various denominations has confused me more than it has filled me with an appetite to go. I feel shame for my feelings and I’m also concerned that if I called out the reasons in the circles that have left me feeling this way they would shut their ears until I “repented” and then they would still not hear me out.

Denominations I have attended or interacted with at school or in life:
Reformed Presbyterian
Christian Missionary Alliance
Nazerene
Catholic
Orthodox Reformed Presbyterian
Russian Orthodox
Greek Orthodox
Presbyterian USA
Seventh Day Adventist
Presbyterian split from USA
Evangelical Presbyterian
Non-Denominational
Presbyterian PCA
Baptist
Pentecostal
Methodist
Anglican
Lutheran
Mennonite
Amish

It’s quite the cross-section, spanning North America and Europe. Through these different church doctrinal cultures, I have been the weird kid with no siblings. The weird kid with a single mom. The weird kids with divorced parents. The weird kid who lives with her grandparents. The weird kid with no dad. The weird kid with catholic family members, whom my Reformed Presbyterian friends and family could not approve of. I’ve been the one who is uncomfortable by how Protestants self-righteously look down on Catholic and Orthodox friends. I’ve been the one who has felt out of place.

The girl who has been questioned, privately and publically about my faith because I like art and want to become a fashion designer. I have been questioned about my faith because I do not have children yet I am married. I have been questioned about my faith when I was the breadwinner of my relationship temporarily because my husband took an opportunity that temporarily had a pay cut. I’ve been questioned about my faith because of tattoos, ear piercings, fashion choices, and clip-in purple hair extensions. My salvation has been mocked because I sing hymns instead of psalms.

I’ve encountered churches that would not let me join or take communion unless my husband was first a member. I’ve encountered people who are self-righteous about their Pentecostal experiences. I’ve also attended churches where the pastor looks like an MTV cast member and preaches that your life will be full of wealth and privilege like him if you listen to him. I’ve heard sermons teach unbiblical things for the sake of social capital and popularity. I’ve encountered out-of-touch snobbery and generosity from humble people.

I’ve genuinely enjoyed four churches – the Spanish service in Paris at a very old church, Pastor Knapp’s preaching at First Presbyterian Church in an old stained glass stone church, SOMA in a random basement of building seated at tables instead of pews so that you could have a meal afterward (it was an inner city mission in my hometown), Compassion Christian with their rockband and folding chairs. My first thought after writing that is to realize that the “church” really doesn’t matter to me, it’s the people and their kindness. Their love for the Lord and his Word by which they are seeking to be Christ-like instead of being Christian – my favorite descriptor, not.

I have no idea what the point of sharing this is other than the fact that it is on my heart, and I feel led to talk about it because I don’t want to feel dread at the thought of joining a church, but I currently do. I don’t feel dread of stepping foot in a church or listening to a sermon and worshipping God. I’m not afraid to be identified with Christ or to share my testimony. But dang, the cliques, the judgment, and the bickering of the people in the church have really messed with my perception of the church. I’m not a snowflake for feeling that way, and I’m also not living in sin, I just know there is more I could be doing for the Kingdom of God if I joined a church that I will be missing out on if I can’t seem to get past this pothole in the road. It’s like a massive February pothole on a Pittsburgh road that might swallow your car hole if you hit it right.

I guess the point of this post is to bring community to the other ones like me who simply do not feel heard or welcome to voice the church hurt that they have. The ones who are struggling to separate who God is from these crazy humans running the operation called church. Can we help each other?

#35 – Toxic Girl Conversations

I was struck by a moment recently where I felt transported back to middle school, watching Mean Girls. The plastics stand in front of a mirror and one by one they list something they hate about their body until they get to the new girl, Cady, who freezes. She quickly says she has really bad breath in the morning and the plastics, satisfied, move on to a new topic. I used to feel like that girl in the girl world because I honestly didn’t enjoy standing around finding flaws in myself as a form of bonding.

I’d rather talk about something more fruitful, lighthearted, or productive than pick at myself and others’ flaws. However I have noticed throughout the years that some girl friendship dynamics get pulled into a negative space, and sometimes they simply move into the negative neighborhood permanently.

It’s awkward because how do you communicate that you love your friend but the friendship environment they create can be downright toxic?

How do you steer the conversation back to something positive when that person just wants to complain and whine without starting a fight that puts the friend on the defense?

I’ve been pondering this because there are so many amazing things about this friend I wish she would focus on instead of what’s going wrong or what she is choosing not to make better in her life. We have a myriad of things we could be discussing because we are both wonder-filled by the world and its beauty, cultures, cuisine, music, etc. We could discuss books and the many writing projects we both want to accomplish. We could be planning a craft project we could coordinate for our next hang out, one of the many we send each other that one day we will try. Can that day be today?

It always starts like a pebble, one bad day in the recap of the week, and then it finds negative pebble friends. By the next conversation, the cup is overflowing and the light is being blocked from view by the stack of stones growing before me. I wish I could figure out how to capture that pebble, put it in my pocket, and skip it far away.

Instead, I find myself sifting through the back forty of my mind looking for a flaw to add to the pile of complaints my friend is listing off. I feel so fake and vapid manufacturing a problem in my head just to bond because not having a complaint would be a toxic girl conversation faux pax.

And wouldn’t you know my friend is stunning? She is photogenic, tall, and has the proportions to pull off every item of clothing I wish I could. Her heart is even more stunning than the outside. She is talented and accomplishing so much more in her professional life than I ever could. That’s why these toxic conversations drive me to the edge because she is amazing just the way she is.

You Are Loved

List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.

1. You are special.

2. There is no one like you.

3. You were created for a purpose.

4. You are seen.

5. You are known.

6. You are not forgotten.

7. You are beautiful.

8. Your story is not over.

9. You are worthy.

10. You are wanted.

Am I Just A Moldy Sandwich?

For lunch, I made a PB&J sandwich. I was in a rush and wanted some quick energy. The sourdough bread, which had been with us for a few days needed to be used, enjoyed. I had been sewing up until my husband took his lunch break at 12:30pm, I didn’t want to cook anything, I just wanted to eat and clear out the fridge, so to speak, of leftovers and such. No big deal.

So I reached for the bread, still pillowy and bouncy with all those lovely fermentation bubbles that make sourdough bread rise. I toasted in and made my sandwich. Which tasted delicious, and normal. And yet, my innocence was about to go bust. Kyle, who was eating leftover pasta, went to the kitchen to find a piece of bread to soak up the sauce in his bowl. The sourdough he reached for and found something that truly ruined my meal – the bottom of the bag was riddled with mold. Something that I am allergic to, not to mention is just so gross.

This is not the first time this happened to me actually, I remember packing a moldy bread sandwich in my lunch in school because I made it when I was half-asleep before school. It’s a rude awakening to realize the thing that once tasted so good to your appetite is not what you thought it was. I thought I was getting energy and some probiotics, instead, I got a little something extra I didn’t want. Something that could make me sick and break out in hives. Appearances can be deceiving, that is why I am reflecting for so long on this mold.

We live in an odd time, with the rise of social media there is a significant rise in transparency in the world. We know more about people we follow than sometimes we would know if we had a normal relationship outside of these social platforms, especially the strangers we look up to like musicians, celebrities, designers, etc. There is also a new kind of anonymity, a facade that curates a public persona for how we want the world to see us. We can post the best moments, the curated things which compound to create a personhood that is foreign to reality, if we so desire. So how do we be authentic? I’m not sure, it’s become such a complicated thing in the digital age.

Before I took a deeper look at the loaf of bread, it seemed so normal and fresh. Without seeing the mold that had spread throughout the loaf in the bag, I would have thought my two pieces of bread were good. But they were still exposed to the environment, the mold would eventually spread to those as well if it already wasn’t there. That got me thinking, about humans. If we consume things, that are negative, full of vitriol, or void of substance and we take those into our hearts, will that eventually affect our goodness, our freshness? Now I know humans are not bread, I don’t mean goodness or freshness in the same way. I’m thinking more about our motives, the way by which we interact with each other. If we consume things that are tainted and no longer nutritious for our souls our inner being takes a hit.

This is true Biblically, where because of the sin that continually tries to creep back into our thoughts and habits, God’s word reminds us to be wary of what we take into our hearts for they can change our beliefs. I think this is true for the effectiveness of our actions in our interpersonal relationships. If we consume or surround ourselves with influences that reflect spite, negativity, and bitterness, I think this will flavor how our love and care for others will be exhibited. It will dilute the potency of our love. Like the mold, diminished the nutritious value of the bread for me.

I don’t want my love for others to be changed by bad influences, like media that encourages hatred, and jealousy, or in TikTok’s case the Kia Boys who like to encourage crime. It’s even as simple as considering the things I subscribe to that populate my feeds. Music too can truly rot the mind from the good things that I want to cultivate like self-control, gentleness, and selflessness. No one wants to be a moldy sandwich for those who depend on you. I encourage you to preserve the good in your heart so that you can make a difference in the spaces you are needed most. I guess what I mean is to keep your character and your values even if it’s not trending. Until we meet again ❤

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