Category: Blog

Catch of the Day Sweater

In 2025, sardines and other tinned fish became more than just food; they appeared on beaded bags, shirts, and prints. They also made their way to the fiber arts community, which inspired me to make a fish print sweater for Kyle, who enjoys fishing IRL and in video games. I just like the video game version.

The Design Concept

When planning a garment with a colorwork motif, I always consider scale, placement, and repetition. To do this, I use what I learned in art class many years ago – the seven fundamentals of art. So I consider line, shape, color, value, form, texture, and scale. In the catch-of-the-day sweater, it was important to make the fish wearable and to ensure good form and function. How do I make the fish on this sweater make sense? I decided to hang freshly caught fish on the sweater to help with the scale of the art. I placed them in the center, on the front, only to keep the perspective of this in focus. I thought placing more fish would become overwhelming to the eye and become unwearable.

Adding more fish would have required adjusting the scale and the color, meaning I would have simplified the sweater down to two yarn colors only, with sections of fair isle colorwork, which is a smaller, more concentrated technique. But I like the color contrast of using two colors, representing two types of fish with slightly different scale patterns. How big is too big? How do you represent a fish, with their scales and texture? For this, I went to Pinterest to find cross-stitch or knitting colorwork charts for inspiration. I believe I settled on a cross-stitch pattern because it had the detailed lines and scale I was looking for. I wanted the fish to look realistic, although it could be in an imagined world like Animal Crossing New Horizons or Stardew Valley. Whimsical? I think that is the best way to sum it up.

To make my pattern, I used the cross stitch reference and transferred it to graph paper by hand, tweaking some areas to make the inspiration my own. I did this in the same application for my Red Velvet Cosmic Knit Tank project. Next, I needed to determine the scale of the fish within the sweater pattern. It’s important to plan out how many stitches you need to complete the colorwork section across your rows and keep it centered. To do this, subtract the number of stitches in your colorwork pattern from the number of stitches in your row. Divide the sum by two and adjust to keep the stitches on either side equal, to keep the pattern centered. It is also important to note how tall the color work pattern is compared to the garment you are knitting, to allow enough room above and below that the graphic motif makes sense and doesn’t look misplaced on the garment. I think I literally held my pattern up to Kyle’s chest to figure it out.

Fiber Content

For this sweater, I went in a different yarn direction to try something new. I chose a wool and acrylic blend from Knit Picks called Mighty Stitch. It was underwhelming. The yarn, while soft, pills something fierce. It is also a slim worsted weight, which was exaggerated by the large needle size I used – US 10 or 6 mm. This created a breathable, airy sweater, but dang, did it throw off my pattern and design. Eventually, I had to face my fate – I was running out of yarn, and my panel was too narrow. Not exactly the outcome you want after spending a week on the front panel with the intricate fish design. I would rather start over than frog the color work, always.

I had some decisions to make. I originally purchased the Mighty Stitch on sale, but when I ran out of yarn, it was not on sale, and I wasn’t interested in doubling the price of this already too expensive project that was in the process of failing. So like Miss Frizzle recommends, I got ready to “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” I went to my closet of yarn and fabric and began to dig through the stash for something else I could introduce into the design. I found a warm-toned gray and neutral black yarn from Big Twist that was also worsted weight. Because the Mighty Stitch is a washable yarn, I felt comfortable combining the two yarns. I had already introduced acrylic yarn to the project through the mint and teal fish, using scrap Big Twist for those sections. Always check your fiber content, though, to avoid incompatible fibers that will make the project hard to care for over time.

Making a Change

The original design was changing from color palette to overall concept. This sweater would need to have color blocking sections now, to stretch the main green color. I decided to not only change up the design, but to change up my technique, opting for crochet on the sleeves to make the sleeves go faster. Knitting is a slow craft, and for some reason, knitted garments for Kyle have this curse of going horribly wrong and also knitting up slowly because of the hiccups. I wanted him to be able to wear this sweater for the bulk of the winter season of 2025-2026, and I was knitting this in August-October, so I took a shortcut. But in my defense, the texture of the sleeves, ironically, looks like fish scales to me. Especially with the gray and black colors!

The second change I made was adding width to the sides of the front panel to make the sweater a drop shoulder. I then knit the back panel wider from the start, and added a section of gray on the middle to upper back panel. It adds a nice contrast to the overall composition of the sweater, while making the sleeves feel cohesive.

Men vs Women Shoulder Shaping

The shoulders gave me such grief in this project! I’m used to making sweaters for myself and my female form. The bust makes the shoulders rest differently than I realized, and this came back to bite me. For a man’s sweater, the back needs to be longer. Especially the shoulder section on the back of the sweater is going to ride up the back, and be too long in the front. This happened, and I was bamboozled on how to fix it. Enter short row shaping and the principles of perspective and scale.

I learned that I needed to add short rows, meaning only working a section across a row to add length to a specific portion of the back panel, the back middle. To do this, you work back and forth on the section, evenually go back to working across the entire row. In addition, I made the back collar and back ribbing longer to compensate. These simple changes made the sweater appear the same length back and front, draping across the shoulders pleasantly, even if one side was technically longer. It doesn’t matter because of the role of perspective. Magic!

Final Thoughts

I learned a tremendous amount of knowledge from the Catch of the Day sweater, and I am grateful it all came together in the end to make a sweater that Kyle enjoys wearing. I have saved my patterns to attempt this again in the future with better yarn and proper dimensions to make the pattern fit well from the start, instead of scrambling to adjust at the end.

How I am Preparing to Leave Pinterest, if OpenAI Buys Them

I want to start off by pleading with Pinterest, please don’t work with OpenAI. (I know this is purely a rumor, but even so, I think using the internet to voice opinions is important.) I have been using your platform since 2012, and it is so useful! It has become less useful over time, with the “purely financial” decisions of peppering in a multitude of advertising pins and allowing AI-generated art to invade the platform. Even so, it is still a platform I use and love to escape into for inspiration.

Without Pinterest, creative writing projects like Udal Cuain, knitting colorwork projects, sewing projects, and home decor ideas would have been more difficult to source and may not have been on my radar – ever. I’ve even learned simplified versions of songs to play on the piano before I bought proper books, for free through Pinterest. Now what about fandoms? On really difficult days, my Stray Kids board is filled with memes, SKZ Code, captured moments from lives, silly edits, and STAY inside jokes that would not exist in one place to make me smile.

I don’t want to leave Pinterest at all, but there comes a time when we must make a stand for what is right – if you integrate with OpenAI, as rumors have thrown around, many other like-minded individuals, and I will leave because, as artists, we will not stand for the theft being carried out by generative AI of our work. Art is human. Generative AI is regurgitation. Art is for an audience of many; AI-generated art is for an audience of one. Human-made art has emotion; AI-generated art is the result of algorithmic decisions. AI-generated things are not new; they are not groundbreaking. They are human effort and human creativity scraped by these computers and served up as “new” all while consuming vast amounts of electricity and clean water, for nothing but perceived “innovation” that makes these tech bros wealthier. It gives nothing to humanity; it feeds the greed of the few. Alright, that’s enough of looking into the abyss for me.

How do I plan to make this change if Pinterest is bought by OpenAI?

  • Crafting Books
  • Used Books, Magazines, and Catalogs
  • Respectful Fan Accounts on Instagram
  • Physical Notebooks
  • Migrating to Milanote
  • Blogs and Research
  • Building a Creative 3rd Place Elsewhere
  • Creating Your Own Charts
  • Physical Moodboards
  • Acknowledging Frustration
  • Diving into History
  • Utilizing Libraries

Yes, we’ll be going back to analog inspirations, like going back to the 1990s and 2000s. I’ll be crafting even slower, researching longer, and spending more time digging to learn how to do new techniques like fillet crochet or how to paint using gouache paints, but that’s okay. At least it will be honest inspiration. In time, we will all come back together through a new creative community platform, and it will be a bit of a waste of time. So, Pinterest, put these rumors to bed, please, because when it comes to AI, we artists mean business, and you will be left behind.

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk ❤

#79 – Craftivism

This is a new term for me, but it is genius. Craftivism is activism through crafting. It is using your art and everyday things to show what you believe and to speak out against injustice. And to use an internet term, this has completely “changed my brain chemistry” to think of using my knitting to say what I believe, just like art.

What made this a tangible thing for me to get started in community was the Welcome Blanket collection at my local yarn shop. Together, sections of knit and crochet squares would be collected and seamed into blankets, like receiving blankets, to welcome immigrants to the United States. With all the ICE-y conditions out there, it’s swimming against the current in a way that aligns with my beliefs and what we are called to do as Christians – love your neighbor and take care of immigrants. Not to worship power, money, and excuse racism like some so-called “Christians” in my country are doing. Seeing my crochet square stitched together with other like minded indivduals’ fiber art was powerful. It reminded me of how we are stronger together and how doing small things, as a community, makes a difference. I also enjoyed reflecting on my own immigrant heritage and sharing my story of how my family came to the US and why immigration is necessary.

As an American who is not Indigenous, every part of my family tree came from somewhere else. Some of my family came from Germany, I believe, in the early 1900s, since my great-grandmother, who was born in 1912 in the US, spoke German as her first language at home. Some of my family from Ireland left County Cork’s farmland during the potato famine to escape certain death from the genocide of starvation by Great Britain. Some of my family from County Armagh immigrated in the late 1800s to the US, went back to Ireland in the early 1900s, and came back again to the US during the Troubles. The rest of my family came from Canada in the 1960s. If we are not members of Indigenous nations, then we are all here because of immigration. To act like immigration is dangerous, un-American, and unwelcome is not American to me. We all came from somewhere else. Let’s love our neighbors and support them in this new chapter of their lives, which came about because of a very difficult decision.

The second opportunity that brought Craftivism back on my radar was the Melt the Ice hat. This hat was used from protest by Norwegians in the 1940s during the Nazi occupation of Norway. Minnesotans, many of whom are descended from Norwegian immigrants, but now are a rich community of immigrants from all over the world, brought the hat pattern back to raise money for the Immigrant Rapid Response fund, which provides assistance for immediate needs – food, rent, etc. This fundraiser raised $650,000 with a $5 pattern during the Melt the Ice MAL in February 2026. If you are not aware of what has been going on in Minneapolis, there has been violence, there has been death, there has been kidnapping, and unlawful occupation of a city by federal forces in the name of corruption and power. Making the hat felt like there was a healthy place to channel my grief and anger over what is happening while bringing community together – Craftivism is powerful.

Have you ever heard of Craftivism? Would you participate in it?

Maybe Fiction Isn’t the Best Way to Express the Art?

With a new year comes new goals, like should I get organized and make this the year I return to writing as my full-time focus? I’ve been mulling over this for the past six months. I started watching more book-focused media and picked up physical books again, all in the quest to jump back into fiction writing after a one-time try in 2017 – also known as Udal Cuain. It was the ultimate escape during a time when every part of my life was falling apart, and we were struggling. My family was struggling; it was isolating, but instead, I crafted a world that I could escape into. I couldn’t afford therapy, so I wrote about what was on my mind. And it helped. It felt like a high I had never experienced before, but then it stopped helping. Life got a lot more complicated, but also better, more on track, and I walked away from it. Then I lost the draft for 6 years until I found it last January.

Life has been messy again, and the world feels like it is literally on fire, and I can feel the pull to want a coping mechanism.

This is where our story begins.

As I share often on this blog, I have become a sewist and fiber artist. I began this journey to a career pivot after a layoff in 2020, and it has become my whole world, particularly knitting and crochet. I find the more I dive into the craft of yarn, the more I feel creative release and the ability to tell stories with my stitches. You can even protest with it. I have been a visual artist my whole life, the frequency depending on how many notebooks, pencils, or paints I have access to. It is my first love. So where does writing fit in?

I was always a writer who enjoyed essays. I like writing about something, researching the subject, and I adore historical research. I enjoyed poetry in school, but my affection for literature came much later. Mainly by force, if you want to take AP English, you must read this many books over the summer. I’m still not the most passionate reader, I definitely take breaks between reading sprints, and sometimes I won’t pick up a book for months, because my hands are always busy with a project. This has put my desire to write another novel, a more polished one, in conflict with my life and potentially my calling.

This week, I sat down to brainstorm another round of novel ideas. This is my third or fourth round of this since 2023. Every time, I think of some good options, narrow my list down, start plotting, and hit a wall. My heart is not in it. I don’t see the characters or care to take my time to meet them. I want to get on with it and then analyze the deeper meaning. The other thing that happens regularly is that I freeze, and I think about how the world has changed since 2017 – mainly BookTok.

I don’t read Romantasy, I’m not going to write spice because that’s not my interest. Don’t look to me for trauma or disturbing plot lines; I don’t want to write that. I am white, cis, and straight, so will I offend by not having representation? I also don’t have the proper experience to offer diverse representation. I don’t know what I have to say in a book, like in a bigger picture – I don’t know what the deeper meaning is that I am looking to point to that I couldn’t just write about in an essay or create with visual or fiber art. This is where the title should start making sense. I don’t think worldbuilding and dialogue are my paint and canvas, and I don’t think we spend enough time considering where our gifts are best suited right now because of social media content.

We are so concerned with getting our work plugged into the algorithm, jumping on trends, cross-posting, and getting successful that we aren’t considering if the medium is best for our art. We are trying to fit in, and that’s killing creativity and the editing eye to know that’s not for me. I feel like it is obvious now, since reflecting on why I have writer’s block, but taking the time to look objectively feels so hard to do when we are fighting the AI monster. But it is okay to specialize. It is okay to find your niche and not appeal to everyone. It is better to work within your wheelhouse and say something authentically you and express it in a medium that feels true to yourself than worry about keeping up with others.

Maybe the best thing we can do as creative people is edit and focus on where we feel the most alive. I feel the most alive planning a personal knitting project that features motifs that represent my life and my loves. I love blogging and talking about serious things, not in literary techniques but in societal critique. I spent the day today, sketching and drafting pet portraits, and I am the most relaxed I have been in months. It’s the same high I felt writing Udal Cuain. I didn’t feel that way while brainstorming a novel. I felt nervous. So I don’t think it’s for me anymore.

Have you ever fallen into this trap? How did you find your way out? Thanks for spending time with me today. Until next time. Stay safe out there and know you are loved.

DIY K-Pop Band Tees Using Embroidery and Knitting

In 2025, one of my goals was to try my hand at crafting my own K-Pop Merch. Some bands are easy to find Merch for, and others, well, you are left to your own ingenuity. The bands I selected to try for this are NCT 127 and NMIXX, which I have tried and failed to find band tees for that I liked. For this project, I used two different techniques – embroidery and stranded colorwork knitting.

NCT 127 Embroidery

My first idea was to pick up a blank T-shirt from the craft section and get to work. The shirt I chose was a Gildan tee from Walmart, which I DO NOT recommend. This shirt is so freaking thin. Horrible quality compared to the blanks I have found at Michael’s, Dollar General, or even Hobby Lobby. But as I was dubious of my embroidery skills, I went ahead with the Walmart shirt as practice. That was the right call, because dang, embroidery is not as straightforward as it looks.

For this project, you will need: an embroidery hoop, embroidery floss bundles, a marker or pen to sketch your design on your shirt, and backing like embroidery interfacing or a fabric scrap that I used (because I forgot that the embroidery needed a backing).

For the design, I chose something simple. The song, the band, and a little imagery. I love their early album Cherrybomb (2017), but the song is almost 10 years old now, and it’s kinda hard to find any NCT Merch with it at this point. Seemed like the perfect option for a first try. I wasn’t expecting my stitches to be so tight; I felt like I was fighting myself across the whole piece. This was because I forgot about the backing for stability, and all this embroidery on this poor quality shirt, yeah, it wasn’t great. Afterwards, I added a backing to the embroidery with a scrap piece of another t-shirt.

Is it my best work? No. But is it a start for making better projects in the future? Yes! And I wear it anyway in the garden and as a sleep shirt.

Red Velvet Knitting

My desire for Red Velvet Merch was entirely motivated by the confusing announcement in April 2025 that members Yeri and Wendy did not renew their contracts with SM Entertainment, but Red Velvet was not disbanding. They have become one of my top girl groups after their release of Cosmic in 2024, so it seemed only appropriate to use the album Cosmic as my muse for a cotton knit tank with stranded colorwork. It’s a bit easier to find Red Velvet Merch on sites like Teepublic, from which I have bought a shirt. This project was more about expressing my love for this album, and I hope that Cosmic will not be their last release as a group.

You will need: a pencil, pen, graph paper, and stitch markers. (Along with your basic knitting supplies – needles, yarn, scissors, tapestry needle)

To start, I searched Pinterest for album artwork and a logo. I found a lot of options to use as a compass for the project, but decided the simplest option would be best. I opted for one color to keep the floats simple. To make my colorwork charts, I always use graph paper and a pencil to be able to adjust the marks that I transfer from the image. Once I am happy with my design, I trace over it in pen and use a pencil to cross out the lines of the pattern as I complete the project to mark my progress. To understand the dimensions of the image as I worked, I also marked the “canvas” with stitch markers. It is also important to note your garment construction and how that relates to your chart. I made this tank knitting bottom up, so I began working on my colorwork from the bottom of the chart.

I am thrilled with how this project turned out! As my first stranded colorwork project with this complex of a design, it was far easier than I thought to complete. You just have to plan out your image and be patient with your floats. Try not to hold too tightly and remember that blocking will help the tension relax.

All I Wanted is Golden Hour: Part 4

Last week, I shared my anticipation for Ateez’s first 2026 comeback, Golden Hour: Part 4. This album exceeded my expectations! It may be a short 5-track extended play, but it hits you like a flavor bomb. I had expressed boredom with the recent direction of their music, and I still hold this opinion of some of the music from Golden Hour: Part 2 and Part 3, but I am starting to see the vision.

Ghost

Ghost blends the traditional Ateez sound and production with the new thematic explorations of Golden Hour: Part 3 and In Your Fantasy Edition. There was an 80s sound to some of the songs in Part 3 that was okay, but not my favorite. Bringing the two artistic elements together feels like Ateez’s full circle. This song was a great opening for the album to bridge the transition of where they have been creatively and where we are going. Without it, Adrenaline and Ghost would feel jarring, in my opinion.

There’s no way out, 경고하는 메시지
Don’t say it out, 네 귀에 속삭이지
되돌리기엔 이미 늦어버렸지
Know you want it more, more than me

[Chorus:]
Now, you see that I’m a ghost
When the lights get low
네 진심의 끈을 풀어
Now, you see it in your soul
When I get so close
감촉만 새기고 가

Adrenaline

I love this song! It’s one of those title tracks that I replay, over and over, and don’t get bored – for real. Adrenaline reminds me of some of my favorite past Ateez title tracks – Wonderland, Guerrilla, Hala Hala, Say My Name. Yeosang being front and center for the chorus is what we were asking for. I love how his voice pairs with San and Yunho. This song was less formulaic. It isn’t a build just to Mingi rapping or Junho hitting an impossibly high note. Hongjoong is still captain but sprinkled in, yet because he writes their music, you can feel his presence in the tone and character, a lot like Taeyong (NCT 127) or Bang Chan (Stray Kids).

The pre-chorus is my favorite part of the song. It builds before the beat drop, with four different members and their unique styles, increasing the tension in the song like adrenaline building in your body. It was such a clever detail to make the song come to life.

[Pre-Chorus: Yeosang, Yunho, San, Seonghwa]
I can feel it go, flushin’ through my veins
시동 걸어 막 활활 타오르게
I can feel it go, runnin’ through my veins
Buzzin’ up my neck, pumpin’ adrenaline
I can feel it go, flushin’ through my veins
시동 걸어 막 활활 타오르게
I can feel it go, runnin’ through my veins
Buzzin’ up my neck, pumpin’ adrenaline (Let’s go)

I have been underwhelmed by San’s contributions in recent years, as just the dude being used as the muscle eye candy instead of utilizing his voice. Finally, his singing is back, and he kept his shirt on. This was a gimmicky part of Ice on My Teeth that I didn’t care for because I’m not into women being objectified, and I don’t want men objectified either.

NASA

Some of the lyrics of this song are a little cringe, like referencing Apple Stock, but I think that is because NASA is also an American agency, so it felt a bit US-centered, but I get it for the theme. I’m probably projecting all my current political frustration on these lyrics because this song is good. It’s a slow burn, satisfying earworm. I love the stage performance for KBS, in their space suit-inspired outfits. There is this lovely, quiet moment on a bridge with what you assume is “space” sound. I would love for them to make more music like this song. It’s unlike anything else in their discography.

[Pre-Chorus: Wooyoung, Jongho]
뱉어 난 gold and silver
만들어, masterpiece
가치는 안 변하지
It’s ’til I rest in peace
Turn up
I fly, so higher than the sky
We go
저 우주까지 올라, going up

[Chorus: Yunho, Yeosang, Wooyoung, *San*, Seonghwa]
Shoot for the stars like NASA, always going up like my stack
Ready on your mark, go faster, shoot for the stars like NASA

On The Road

This is a solid song, not my favorite, but melodically good. A breath of fresh air after two songs with big energy. It’s a song that I think will grow on me in time until I love it. It’s chill, but explores themes that they have always been good at exploring. Melodically, it reminds me of Wave, The Ring, and maybe Django.

[Pre-Chorus: Yunho, Seonghwa]
Can’t stay behind
다시 시작인 것처럼
We live our lives
‘Cause I’ma go down this road tonight

[Chorus: Wooyoung, San, Jongho]
Go left, go right
I’ma go down this road tonight
That’s right, it’s time
‘Cause, nothing won’t make me change my mind
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh
Yeah, we’re goin’ down this road tonight

This happens to me often with B-sides from K-pop. For example, when Aespa released Armageddon in 2024, my favorite songs were Supernova and Armageddon, but now in 2026, I love Bahama and Live My Life. The same with Nmixx and their Fe:304 Forward album from 2025, I loved Know About Me, and Slingshot, but now Ocean is a song I never skip.

Choose

The sentimental favorite. I recently used this song to share my ‘Melt the ICE’ hat on Instagram for the ache of this song’s emotion. I choose to stand with my neighbor, and this song excels in making me feel love. It was a great choice to end the album, a bit of a lighter production song after the EDM of Adrenaline and NASA. I believe this song was released as a single for the seventh anniversary of ATINY, the Ateez fandom.

We can be forever lost under velvet skies
Fall together closer
‘Cause I would choose you
And I’m trying, I’m trying, it’s you, nobody

We can stay forever even in quiet nights
Run together closer
‘Cause I would choose you
And I’m trying, I’m trying, it’s you, nobody

nobody
(Hoo-hoo) nobody
(Hoo-hoo) yeah, I’m trying, I’m trying, it’s you, nobody

I Feel Like A Real Atiny Again

Going into 2025, I was seriously questioning my Atiny allegiance. Like, how many albums do you have to skip to not consider yourself a fan anymore? I mean, it happened to me with TOP. Thankfully, it was really just one and a half, but it felt like a long time of being in an Ateez desert, waiting for the pirate ship to sail overhead. If you are looking for something a little different to listen to, give Golden Hour: Part 4 a try!

Blooming Where You’re Planted

Let me start by saying that this is not a garden-related post. This is a topic that came to mind last week, and even though the phrase “Bloom where you’re planted,” is a bit cliche and overused, it is an important mindset to have. Unfortunately, I haven’t had this mindset too often in my life, but thankfully, some things finally began to change to help me appreciate what is around me. This is a brief post about learning to accept my current circumstances and embracing those who love me.

Misery & Realizing I Needed Help

I believe I’ve referenced it elsewhere on the blog, but 2025 was a really rough year for me. It was a year that I expected to be great: It was our first full one in a house we bought, we had adopted a pet together for the first time, I was finally able to plant a big garden, and I had a woodshop. By all measures, I should have been happy. Yet, I was miserable. I have always struggled with moodiness, but this was something deeper. I was pushing myself too hard, not taking time to relax, and making decisions that were never going to make me happy. I was unhappy with my work/life balance even though nothing had changed, and all I could focus on was the negative. My mind was telling me everything was going wrong. That I was going to lose my job and that no matter how much I did, the fake to-do list in my head was never going to be cleared.

2025 was also the year when I wanted to get my relationship with my mom back to a healthy place, and during the five months or so, that looked to be possible. We haven’t had a healthy relationship for over 10 years now for a number of reasons, and without going into too much detail, unhealthy communication and a lack of forgiveness are the main issues. Since 2015, I have tried several times to improve and fix our relationship, but I was unsuccessful each time. But things finally appeared to be trending in a positive direction. In 2024, we met her and my stepdad at an event held at a church park, and it went okay. It was the first time I saw her in person in at least seven years.

2025 rolled around, and we invited them to see our house in March when they were passing through the area. Again, that went okay, and we saw them again for a Saturday lunch. We further made plans to meet up with them at the same church event last summer, but on the day we were supposed to meet them, I froze. I was simply unable to take the necessary steps to leave our house and see them again. I likely had some sort of a panic attack, and my mental health was on the fritz. That day was both the darkest of my life and the one when I decided to seek help and found a therapist. Before that day, I felt off and not like myself, but I couldn’t pinpoint it. I was encouraged by being able to see my mom more often than I had in nearly a decade, but it still wasn’t fixing the relationship because forgiveness wasn’t happening and we weren’t talking about the root issues.

Learning From Therapy

One of the most important things I have learned from therapy is that I’ve been chasing after my mom my entire life. She and my dad divorced when I was 3, and from then until high school, I was constantly chasing her. I wanted more time with her, more experiences with her, and more of her attention. I wanted to buy her the best Christmas gifts and do everything I could to receive her love. I moved with her in high school and left an entire life behind to get to know her more. I would take her side over everyone else’s and put relationships on the back burner if it’s what I felt was needed. Unfortunately, that dedication wasn’t reciprocated. Sure, she and my stepdad would bestow gifts and give experiences that seemed great, but there was an absence of commitment on a day-to-day basis. Unconditional love and forgiveness were nowhere to be found.

2025 was a continuation of me chasing after her. Internally, I think I felt that if I opened up my home to her and made a serious effort to spend time with her, our relationship would be fixed. I wanted to believe that I would finally get from her what I had always wanted. Then, when nothing changed, something snapped in me, which is when I finally began to change my mindset and build myself back up.

There were two things that changed within me. One was accepting that my relationship with my mom wasn’t where I wanted it to be and likely never would be. This pattern has been going on for decades now, and there’s little reason to believe it is going to change. The second thing was to look around and see who has been a consistent presence in my life and always wants me in their life. Magz, dad, dad’s family, my in-laws, and friends immediately came to mind. Magz had always supported me in my relationship with my mom. My dad and I have had an up-and-down relationship at points, largely because I couldn’t stop bouncing between parents. He’s always given me the space to figure things out.

And my in-laws have played such a massive role in my life over the past 10 years, and I’ve begun to truly accept and appreciate that over the past year. They have welcomed me into their family and made me feel more comfortable than my own family does. They accept me and always choose Magz and me over other invitations for holidays and weekends. In the past, I was sad that I wasn’t seeing my family for Christmas, but now I look forward to our traditions with Magz’ parents. My mother-in-law and I planned Magz’ birthday party in January, and my father-in-law and I do regular dinner “dates” together to eat food that our wives aren’t as fond of. We see them several times a month, and I look forward to it almost every time. That hasn’t always been the case, but I’m so glad that my perspective changed.

It would have been really easy to sit and stew in the disappointment of my mom and her unwillingness to have a healthier relationship. Living in the past is so easy. Nostalgia is great because it can remind us of great things from the past, but it’s also dangerous. We can stay in that place and time and become disappointed in the present. By changing my mindset and focusing on the people who choose me, I’ve become so much happier and feel like myself again. I feel loved and capable of loving to my fullest again.

I’m unsure if anyone who will read this struggles with feelings of longing and wanting what we don’t have. I think it’s part of the struggle of humanity and goes back to the first sin. And if you struggle with it like I do, I encourage you to look around and see what’s around you. Find things around you that bring you joy and look to people who love you. Don’t settle for a discounted version of love or a cheapened relationship. Likewise, don’t chase someone who is likely to hurt you when you have people around you who generally care for you. And to bring it back to the cliche, “bloom where you’re planted.” I think a lot of us are in places where we can thrive if we slow down and look at all the positives of our current circumstances and environment. Thanks for reading.

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Bat Ear Beanie

I’ve shared several animal ear projects on the blog before, the Cat Ear Beanie, and my Loverboy re-creation Bunny Hat, but now, without further ado, may I present the Bat Ear Beanie! This was made with less than 100 grams of local spun wool I found at my farmer’s market, held double with less than 100 grams of Knit Picks Snuggle Puff yarn in Neptune. I decided to crochet this hat instead of knitting, as I did with previous projects, to have a bit more freedom in the creation. Crochet reminds me of sculpture or papier-mache. You can always add onto the stitches in ways that the tension of knit stitches does not allow, and for that, the bat ear project seemed like a great place to practice my crochet technique once again.

The hat was crocheted in the round – so much easier than knitting in the round, in my opinion, with double crochet stitches, and was knit like a normal hat. I don’t have an exact pattern for it, but you can easily make it to your measurements. The yarn I used, one strand Snuggle Puff, a heavy worsted, and one strand local wool, a DK weight, resulted in an Aran/Bulky-weight yarn. Because of this, I used a 5.5 mm hook to create my stitches. I chained the number of stitches I needed based on my head measurement and double crocheted around and around until the hat was long enough to cover my ears and most of my head, then I began my decreases. I wanted a gradual curve shape for the crown of this hat. Go slow, and remember, you can always frog and try again if the shape is not what you want. After the hat was complete, I plotted my bat ears.

What makes an animal hat special to me is the scale and placement. What I learned with my cat ear beanie was that you can make the ears too wide and too big, leading to a sloppy effect. With the bunny hat, I learned you can put them too close together, not allowing the ears to drape properly. The effect can change the entire character of the piece, so place your ears with care and think about how you want to wear it on your head so that the animal cuteness is achieved. For this hat, I was inspired by the hat Felix from Stray Kids wears at the beginning of the Creed music video from 2025.

I began my bat ears by picking up stitches on the outside of the hat. I also crocheted these in a round, to give these good structure. By crocheting these in a round, to keep the tension even across the ears, so that they would stay upward like a bat. I used single crochet stitches and tapered the ears accordingly, simply weaving in the end to the inside of the hat, with a tapestry needle.

Why did I choose a bat? To raise awareness for bats. Did you know that bats are not a nuisance, but an essential part of the ecosystem? But due to misunderstanding the nocturnal animal, mainly I would say due to vampire lore, they are seen as dangerous. Yes, they can carry rabies like many wild animals, but this is not a reason for the animal to go extinct. Their habitats are under threat, and they deserve the space to thrive. They eat pests, contribute to the pollination process, and help spread seeds.

Will Golden Hour Part Four Be the Game Changer?

On February 6, Ateez will release their fourth installment of the Golden Hour series. I am excited, after a year and some change of not loving the direction of their sound, will this bring back my hype for Ateez? I hope so!

I discovered Ateez in 2022, not long after their “Don’t Stop” single was released. I was hooked and dove head first into the lore, the sound, the vibes. From their debut Pirate King through the ebbs and flow of Hala Hala, The Wave, Wonderland, Say My Name. I was impressed by their unconventional sound. Their vocals have depth, and the dancing true rhythm. The World was my first album series release to take in.

Each part of this trilogy is a sonic treat. The World Part One drops us in a secret resistance announcing itself. Part Two, follows the members while they navigate the covert mission in the world, and Part Three is the showdown where you learn about a secret school they escaped from. Bouncy will forever be my favorite release. It was such a fun time for Kpop.

In between The World and Golden Hour, the Ateez animal plushies were released. These “Aniteez” live on a floating pitate ship, sailing the skies. All in true concept form.

Next Golden Hour Part One released with a real world flair and explored LA and Mexican flair which I loved. Work helped me process buying a house. Siren and Arriba helped me get through the endless unpacking. This, on top of all their past discography, had me on the edge of my seat for whatever was next!

That would be Golden Hour Part Two, and the disappointing “Ice on My Teeth” title track and just okay B-sides that did not grab me. This had never happened to me as an Atiny! With anticipation, I hoped the next release would be a favorite – but it wasn’t. 😵‍💫

Golden Hour Part Three, was not as bad as Part Two, but dang I just didn’t vibe with it. That is the frustrating thing about art, if a piece of art doesn’t connect with you, you feel like you are stuck on the outside looking in.

But then, Golden Hour Part Three – In Your Fantasy Edition dropped and it sparked my interest again. I gave Lemon Drop another listen, and started to get the different musical format and style. I felt less like a fake Ateez fan, because after two straight releases of not getting it, I began to wonder – am I still a fan? Did I grow out of it?

So, with all that context, when I saw the trailer for the upcoming Golden Hour Part Four, and, I am seriously excited! It sounds like old Ateez but with the new sythesized into a great offering. I think my inner Atiny, may be on its way back!

From the preview Ghost reminds me of b-sides from The World era. Adrenaline has the emotion and power of Hala Hala, Guerilla, Wonderland, etc that pulled me in initially. Nasa, is reminiscent of Wave and the Golden Hour Part One era. On the Road, seems to be the synthesis of where their music explored in Golden Hour Part Three era but in a new way that I connect with. It reminds me a bit of The World Part Three as well! Choose is something new, I’m ready to give a try. It doesn’t sound like Ateez, more like NCT or a Stray Kids Japanese release – and that’s not a bad thing. 😃

I can’t wait to hear the full album and see if this is the missing piece that connects their discography into one melodious note, instead of a stunning concerto ending in a discordant crescendo.

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Why I Quit the Clique and Cliche of Twenty One Pilots

So it’s 2026, and if you’re online, there is a good chance you have seen the 2026 to 2016 posts. The nostalgia for 2016 is real, even making me look at one of the most volatile years of my life through rose-colored glasses. But even though the 2010s were full of change for me, beginning with my junior year of high school, and ending with 2019, globally leading us into the pandemic. How weird is that? I got my license, my high school diploma, traveled to Europe, graduated from college, got married, moved out, had my first job (more like jobs), tried to have a career, reunited with my dad, met my siblings, moved out of state, wrote a novel, and lost several loved ones in 2016. My family fractured – it was so much personal change! But even so, I miss the optimism of the hipster era. I miss the simplicity of the pre-AI era and the pre-social media domination of our world. We were less logged in, less screen addicted. I’ve been drawn to watching Portlandia again, yearning for a coffee shop to spend the day in while listening to indie music, a simpler time. This week, I’ve found myself walking down memory lane in the form of 2010’s alternative music. Bands I haven’t thought of for a decade – The Joy Formidable, Phantogram, Joywave, Bear Hands, Sir Sly, etc. But one band, I determined in this holiday, into nostalgia I will not listen to again, even though they were a band I loved in the 2010s – Twenty One Pilots.

This is a bit of an oddball post. I haven’t listened to Twenty One Pilots since 2018, but for a three-year stretch, they were my favorite band. I collected merch, CDs, and ate up the lore. The para-social relationship was built on mental health struggles, faith, and being “quirky” felt comfortable. I mean, this was the mid-2010s and the height of the “not like other girls” trope. I relished in the alternative feel of their music, what I now understand to be noise music, and the darkness I felt in my own life craved the outlet to plug into. Josh understood my shyness, and Tyler understood the anxiety and depression I was feeling at the time. It felt safe because they were “Christians” and their music had “biblical references,” but they were also questioning everything and challenging the void. I didn’t see at the time how much un-aliving yourself idealization there was in the nihilistic moments of their music. The more I listened to their music, the more depressed I felt, and that is where I began to wake out of the dream I was walking in. I haven’t seen them or their music the same way since.

I think right now, with all the ways Christianity is being watered down, misused for political manipulation, and trampled upon by religious fundamentalists, I don’t want to listen to a band that is “somewhat Christian” again. That is not an estimation of their music either; that is what I found when I looked at the TOP subreddit today. That sentiment reminded me of what turned me off the most from their music, Tyler’s waffling. Or should I say deconstructing? That was another discussion I found on the subreddit. Now it is only fair to discuss this, with my own struggles out in the open. There were some things that came to light in recent months about someone I know, who is a pastor, which contradict the Bible, and it made me furious. Combine that with the DHS sharing misquoted scripture to claim their racism and violence as a “holy” thing turned me into this character.

What has my spiritual life been like in 2025 and now in 2026? Clinging to who I know God is in the midst of all these evil, power-hungry syncophants. Have I been reading my Bible daily? No, I have been a slacker. Have I been praying consistently? Yes, more than I have been reading my Bible. Have I been avoiding Christian culture? Yes. Where have I found myself gravitating towards? People who are acting out their faith and non-believers acting in ways that mirror what the Bible calls us to do. Never in this muck and mire have I wanted to imagine a world without God. If anything, it has made me crave God’s presence in this world with more frequency. It has to be a real connection. Faith is not a feeling, and it is not something you choose one day and rip apart the next. It calls for trust and for submission to align every part of your life under what you believe in. Faith is telos. Faith does not exist in a vacuum, nor do our relationships. Some days, having faith in good triumphing over evil feels like an extremely radical thing. There is no space for indecision.

Now, Tyler is allowed to feel and think what he wants, as long as he is not hurting anyone. I don’t care. But do I think he is a good example? No. There is an immaturity to his faith. A fence sitting that is only hurting him. As Earl Smooter says in Sweet Home Alabama, “You can’t ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean.” My need for conciseness and clarity is, for sure, part of my neurodivergence. I like it when people communicate directly. Honestly. I prefer the path laid out by another favorite artist.

I give life to my words
(Yeah, I’m doing what I say)
I reach heights from the dirt
(Yeah, I’m doing what I say)
You know I bite the way I bark
(Yeah, I’m doing what I say)
(Doing what I say, doing what I say)

Creed by Stray Kids

Decision matters. Being aligned with what you believe in, in every aspect of your life, which takes being truly honest with yourself, will bring mental peace. Mental peace was something I never personally felt from their music. I could feel the overthinking, tearing at the seams, the complete drifting in the current. It could be dressed up with lore or cringing lyrics, but the identity was never solid. Taking time away from their music gave me such relief. Ironically, my time of being part of the Clique was followed by a period of listening to mostly worship music for a few years before landing in K-pop. I think I personally matured out of the place where the Clique remains, waiting for identity. Where their leader remains. I think it is easier to not confront ourselves than it is, to have these times of personal crossexamination. But I think it’s a poor witness for your faith to never pick a side. How can something so integral to your life, your worldview, be left with unresolved doubt? What a loose end.

Deconstruct with integrity. Affirm your faith with integrity. I’m all in favor of confronting the church for its cowardice over injustice in America. Jesus showed us how. So did his servant Paul. But to leave it as a vague, Blurryface, is immature thinking. Through my research for this post, my searches for a clear answer about Tyler’s faith left me with more questions. Like a politician, it is vague and hard to define. Answers offered were that he can’t put it into words, he is wrestling, still defining, or can’t put it into words. What? More digging led to answers outlining TOP’s music as his way of communicating his search for understanding. To explore doubt by supposing a world without God – well, that’s why I found their music so dark! I am actively shaking my head. Again, there needs to be more maturity in songwriting, creative writing, philosophy – something to explore these themes with more nuance. I am just not impressed. Especially when you contrast Tyler’s exposition of his faith and the world we are living in, to the faith journeys of J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. In summation, I find the faith and doubt of TOP to be cliché and played out. Go deeper. Tell us what you believe in, like fans have requested, concerning the genocide in Gaza.

Now, TOP fans, this is my opinion, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. None of this was written as an attack on you or your favorite group, just my honest reflection on a time of my life where Twenty One Pilots spoke to me. I’d say really the only part of this “lore” I’ve listened to is these four albums – Twenty One Pilots (2009), Vessel (2013), which was my favorite, Blurryface (2015 the album I started with, and Trench (2018), which I disliked so much I sold my concert tickets and donated my merch. You, Clique, have popularity on your side. I know I am in the minority, but I’m also in the minority of thinking Taylor Swift is a terrible songwriter, and that hasn’t stopped me.

What kind of music did you enjoy in the 2010s? Has your music taste changed? Thanks for spending time with me today, dear reader. Until next time ❤

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