Author: Magz

Knitting a Dress for the First Time

Knitting a dress, how hard can it be right? It was actually pretty managable garment as an intermediate knitter. I would not recommend unless you have made a sweater before but would definitely recommend knitting a dress if you want a soft and stretchy garment that hugs you!

Inspiration

I have made plenty of dresses over the past 5 years, but they have all been cut and sewn from fabric. Knitting kicks it up a notch, asking you to assemble the dress, but make the fabric to boot. I thought it would be silly to try until I discovered some lovely crochet designers on You Tube who make with imagination!

I was inspired by Mama Gwen of TL Yarn Crafts to give designing a knit dress a try. She makes such beautiful dresses all from self-drafted patterns in knit and crochet. Along with Dana from Blondie Knots. Her Coachella scrap two piece outfit helped me have the boost of confidence to try something new.

Materials

Last summer at Joann, before the shenanigans began, I purchased 14 Big Twist Cotton 50g skeins on a sale with the intention of knitting a top. Many months later, this yarn was sitting in my stash with my mind uncertain if the punchy color changing yarn was my cup of tea for a cotton knit top. But a dress? Yes, that could work. Did I have enough yarn though? I’d have to make it so because there was no more being sold.

Because of the circumstances, I decided this dress would be my goodbye to Big Twist.

Design

I knew from sewing, my design would need to be a dress that was either tubular or empire waist to suit my body shape. I decided to knit this on US 7 needles, straight needles. Sometimes I would shift to circular, but this was not knit in the round. With the combination of yarn minders, a measuring tape and patience this dress came together!

To start I knew I wanted the bodice to be the anchor I worked out from so I cast on stitches to work horizontally. From the bodice, I then added one strap to plan the width and placement of the top. I was uncertain how much yardage the skirt would consume, therefore I paused to determine sleeves later.

My plan for the skirt was to knit a section by casting on the bottom of the bodice, adding stitches to increase width until I finished a skein. Repeat and fill out the row by picking up stitches to join the sections vertically into a tube. I continued on, and on  until weeks later I had a skirt but panicked that I was not going to achieve my desired length and second sleeve!

I decided to pull a teal yarn from my Landscape Painting with Yarn project. This hue pulled the cool tones into harmony in a pleasing way. I used two skeins of this teal color and then finished with the original Water Lily tonal yarn. I finished the second sleeve and tried on the piece with relative ease. There was one fit issue – plunging neckline. But it was a lovely, cozy knit from scratch dress!

The final touches to this project were addressing the neckline and the sleeves which were set too deep. I cast on to the neckline to fill in the gap and provided structure to the straps with several rows of decreases to give the dress a cap sleeve befitting my vision.

Final Thoughts

I am definitely making more dresses with knit! It’s far more pleasant than sewing if you want a comfy yet elegant style. You have both control of the drape and the fabric design. It’s your world, as Bob Ross would say.

This project was more than a goodbye to Big Twist, it was a new chapter for me. I began this journey 5 years ago to learn how to make and now I feel empowered by knowing I can make my own clothes, not just with fabric but with skeins of yarn and needles. It has been a wonderful journey of discovery!

If you want to knit a dress, I’d say go for it! If you’re a beginner, make one but not as your first project – you will be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of time this project took. It was weeks of work that as a beginner, would have scared me. In time I know you can do it though! ❤

Listening For Wisdom | 2025

It has been a while since I shared any Bible Study reflection posts on this blog, and I wanted to dive into why there has been such a drop-off in talking about the Bible.

It’s not because I have stopped reading the Bible or questioned my faith, nothing like that. Instead, it is because I am at a loss for how to write about what God is teaching me.

This year has been challenging; there is a lot of hurt going on around the world, and there has been a lot of chaos and hurt happening in my country. I have friends and family affected by DOGE. I am unhappy with the way ICE and immigration is being handled. I have been fearful of the tariffs, the executive orders, and the student loan discussions. I’ve been outraged, in tears, and had moments of feeling hopeless.  But I know God is steadfast.

There has also been chaos within American Christianity. There is a distinct difference between a follower of Jesus, a far-right Christian, a far-left Christian, and the Gods, G*ns, and Trump crowd. I am disappointed in the divisions in the church politically and the lack of adherence to Jesus’ message. It’s not about political allegiance, it’s about doing what the Bible says – caring for the poor, not being proud, not creating division, and loving your neighbor as yourself.

I have been praying a lot and listening to all I can to learn and see the world with Kingdom eyes, not American eyes. I want to see those who need help in society and help them regardless of who they are. Knowing how to put these lessons into words has been tricky because I am still listening and don’t feel qualified to weigh in on anything going on. Especially as a white, Jesus following, female – I see a lot of hypocrisy, apathy, and exclusionary entitlement from this demographic, and I don’t want to be taking up space when other voices need room to speak.

The major thing I have learned this year from listening, studying, and my own prayer-filled conversations with God has been to love. When I ask God for direction or an answer on how to help, I feel the resounding answer – love. Love them, specifically. I also feel immense righteous anger at injustice. I can’t ignore it; my heart is broken. I have been asking to see things the way that God wants me to, and that means recognizing the evil being done in the name of “good,” and that is not aligned with the Bible at all. It’s a mess, but one that I believe we can fix if we remember to humble ourselves, to admit wrong, ask forgiveness, and change behavior on a cultural level.

A verse that I learned about in a discussion of the Exodus Way, I believe, or maybe it was the beginning of the City series, was this verse from Ezekiel about why Sodom in particular angered God.

Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy.

Ezekiel 16:49 ESV

That verse has eaten me up inside, as I see the rich getting richer and the poor being hurt more. How can any of our efforts be blessed if we are being selfish with the blessings we have?

I have also been reading Galatians. Paul’s writing just nails it every time. As humans, we are so cyclical in our bad behavior, but if we came together in unity and with the fruits of the spirit, dang, we could do some good. I am hopeful with each moment of protest that is carried out with words and without violence, that those moments will shine bright in the darkness.

Hopefully, I will feel more comfortable soon sharing more in-depth thoughts. It’s just a lot of chaos to sort through with God, to discern what is good in this mess of 2025. Clinging to Him above all, I guess, is the biggest takeaway.

Have you read or heard that passage of Ezekiel before? I was pretty stunned by that. I hope wherever you are, you know that you are loved. Until next time, thanks for spending time with me today, dear reader.

Starting a Knit Garment

Do you ever get stuck in start mode when beginning a new thing?

Like you’re wandering through a maze of ideas. Maybe it’s the planning stage, too many ideas, not enough organization? It’s weird. I feel such a rush when I have multiple WIPs on my needles. The satisfaction of binding off stitches and slipping that garment onto my body makes every week of work worth it!

The void though, between new idea and casting on a new project, is a shape shifting process. The indecision sets in.

  • What yarn should I use?
  • Do I have a color palette
  • Stockinette or a new stitch?
  • Texture?
  • Colorwork?
  • Do I have an inspriation garment in mind?
  • Have I thought about how I want to garment to fit?
  • How much positive or negative ease should I plan for?

The next phase is choosing needles, selecting the amount of yardage, and gauge swatching the stitches to inches ratio to calculate the size of the garment.

It feels as important to start with the correct amount of stitches as it does to pour a concrete foundation evenly. I think this is why I get stuck in neutral instead of shifting into gear – when you get a creative idea sometimes the final design outcome is a little fuzzy.

So how do I get out of it and move forward with my design? I sketch, even simply shading the colors together in simple patterns helps me see if the image in my head will fit the realized garment. I also start working with the room to frog the yarn and begin again.

That is my favorite thing about fiber art, you can tear out and begin again without ruining your materials. Even though the first stitches feel like concrete the process is flexible.

Do you get stuck in planning? How do you move your mind forward? Thanks for spending time with me today. You are amazing and I hope you know that you are loved. Until next time. ❤

Playing Animal Crossing Has Improved My Style

As a kid, one of my favorite pastimes was designing. I loved the fashion styling flash games from Lizzie McGuire and My Scene. I designed my own catalog of clothes for a made-up brand with my friends in 4th grade, illustrating with my school supplies and piecing it together with scrap paper. Mary-Kate and Ashley’s movies captured my imagination through their use of clothes to characterize each sister’s personality.

That’s So Raven enveloped me in imagination, not from her psychic abilities, no, Raven Baxter’s closet pulled me in! Raven’s room was a stunner as well, like Zenon Kar’s space station cabin, and my Fashion Polly’s colorful playsets that folded out like Richard Hammond’s caravan. My friends and I discovered shows like What Not To Wear and Trading Spaces, which launched my sketches from clothing brands to interior design. I had a notebook full of room drawings. There were designs with slides, hammock beds, and intricate themes. I drew a Survivor-themed room with a tribal council area on the lower level, an outer space room with circular windows and futuristic lighting, even a beach room with a lofted bed, sunset paint scheme, and a pool placed in the middle of the floor. I wish I knew what happened to these sketches; it’s been such a long time.

When I discovered Animal Crossing in 2020, I was curious what the fuss was about, and later the next year, we bought a Nintendo Switch, opening a world of design I thought was lost to childhood. I was thrilled! Animal Crossing New Horizons debuted in March 2020, and because of the unique time, it had a huge following for its charming island life. You begin your game landing on a deserted island as part of a Nook Inc. Getaway Package, and assist Tom Nook in developing the island with the help of Timmy, Tommy, Dodo Airlines, Blathers, Isabelle, and the villagers who move to the island with you.

But what about the fashion and the home decor? This game first places you in a tent that you upgrade into a house, with subsequent expansions costing large sums, but with a relaxed payment policy. You also gain the ability to design custom things with Nook Mile redemption upgrades, craft unique recipes from resources on the island, and buy items from Nook’s Cranny and clothing items from Able Sisters. A ridiculous amount of my gameplay, even years later, comes from pairing and collecting new clothing items for my character to wear on her adventures. This game loves coordination!

As a player who is well-versed in the Animal Crossing fashion catalog, I wait and anticipate finding my favorite pieces with each new island. The game has four seasons, with clothing corresponding to the season at play, including specialty garments for holidays. Currently, as I play in June, it’s wedding season and Able Sisters is selling traditional Japanese wedding attire, Nook Shopping is selling Father’s Day items, and International Children’s Day pieces, which include a paper crown that is oh so cute!

How has this impacted my own personal style, though? Well, it has brought me back to the mindset of creating a full look. Working from home or working in professional painting at jobsites for most of my adult life has killed the style I used to have. I no longer felt the need to put together a look, but instead I got used to throwing on pieces and wearing things for function, not fashion. But that’s not who I really am, just what the environment of life drifted me into. I was missing intentionality, Animal Crossing lit that spark once again. My little character doesn’t just get dressed to do life; she wears a head-to-toe look with hats, bags, glasses, specialty socks, clever shoes, cute tools, and interestingly paired garments. This game got me out of jeans and a t-shirt, or a hoodie and leggings, because this game has trousers in many fabrics and shapes, shorts in colorful prints, skirts in a bouquet of fancy, coats, hats a plenty, tops that span the seasons – it’s a blast to explore! There are dresses – modern and traditional. I can where a kimono! I change her outfit at least once, maybe three times a session. You can also curate hairstyles and experiment with colors.

This exercise has shown me that pink hair is something I’d like to try. It’s my most-used fashion color. It has inspired me to introduce cute socks of varying heights and weights to my wardrobe, even making some of them. I’ve started wearing hats anytime I leave the house – it pulls the look together! My taste in bags has changed; no longer an option for a sleek purse that looks designer, instead give me a duck bag with feet. I love colorful knitwear, flowing skirts, and shoes that are beyond my comfort zone of boots and Converse. Taking those moments in the game to pair weird combinations together has positively impacted my design sensibility. When I plan a sewing or knitting project, I take into account what I’ve learned from dressing up my character, seeking to inject the whimsy and delightful wares of Animal Crossing into my real-life closet. I’m not the only one; I’ve seen this across Pinterest, YouTube, and Instagram.

But what about interior design? Well, this game not only presents the opportunity to design your house and the island, but you can also download Happy Home Paradise to design vacation homes for clients. This has really challenged me in a fun sandbox way to care about how a room is put together. I’ve become far more intentional about my furniture layout, what types of pieces I want to bring into my space, and how I want to pair pieces for a style that tells a story.

Buying a house last year was the icing on the cake of this new foray into design, as we have painted rooms and dug the garden beds, I’ve felt like it is Animal Crossing come to life. I have this canvas to put my stamp on. Moving from rented landlord-beige homes to a space where we can be colorful, it has shown me that the little details do make a space more welcoming and conducive for creating. The simple act of moving our dining room table from one side of the room to the center, allowing for walkways on either side, has made the room a place I want to be instead of a place I pass through. By filling the empty gaps of cabinets in our kitchen with tables, shelves, and a microwave stand, we have transformed the empty space into a room that feels complete. The simple change of painting my sewing room lavender created an entire mood, a calming and happy vibe that makes me excited to work within those four walls. The garden beds and the screened-in porch have been works of dimension, the outdoor space has useful and designated spaces for us to use that make it more beautiful and purposeful.

I am filled with a sense of possibility again, like the girl who sketched those rooms in a notebook, instead of a person muddling through life. In this time when we feel burned out by AI and stale creativity, it’s been electric to feel the sparks of imagination. The crafting aspect of the game has inspired me to be more creative in my own house. We repurpose, re-finish, and build things in our house from scratch. Because of life’s twists and turns, I have a lot of second-hand pieces that at first felt like a let down, like I was poor, but now I see them as incredibly meaningful items that I have the pleasure of caring for in my home. The game’s customization tools, such as kits for sale or the custom services of Cyrus, demonstrate how a coat of paint truly pulls a room together without buying something new.

Did I think when I purchased Animal Crossing New Horizons that I would see an impact on my own design sensibility? Not at all, but it has been the gift that keeps on giving. It’s an incredibly cozy game, full of wonder that I have grown fond of, year over year. Four years later, I still look forward to running around the island, hunting for recipes, wishing on shooting stars, and besting those pesky Happy Home Academy judges. I hope that I never lose my zeal for dress up and design because it is such a fun little way to relax in this wild and wacky world.

Individuals Without Individuality

What does it mean to be an individual? Are you a person? A sum among parts? An island? A unique person, maybe? What does it mean to do things individually? What does individuality mean to an individual? I really wish this word, and its forms, weren’t so tricky to spell with my slightly dyslexic mind (not formally diagnosed, but it runs in the family). It’s a lot to digest, but this has probably been stewing in my mind for the past year, waiting for me to plate it up.

My culture is incredibly individualistic, and this is expressed in good ways and bad. One good way is that my country is a land of immigrants and indigenous people, meaning there are voices, ideas, and ways of doing things. But when there are people, there are forces of wanting to fit in, wanting to control and suppress, and prescribed ideas of the “best” way. I think this has been at the forefront of my mind because I see a vast amount of content being shared online saying originality is dead, or personal style has been killed by the algorithm. We are all core-ified or aesthetically boxed in, and social media has commodified subcultures. But it’s the internet, critiquing the internet, so we’re of course using broad, and extreme brushstrokes here.

Where my mind has drifted to is the sameness. I see people online discussing the boringness of everything from movies to the same cosmetic procedures, the bland landscape of interior design, and starter pack cliches for “types” of women. There is a sea of Petite Knit patterns, a galaxy of Marvel media that repeat the same formula, reboot television, and romantic tropes pushed by publishers and BookTok to make everything fit nicely in the digital marketing ecosystem. Then we fall into nostalgia, like recession pop, which I found myself listening to the other day, reminiscing about my first summer as a member of Geneva’s painting crew in 2010. Thinking about how different life was before I even had a Facebook.

What we talked about and the memories I made with the women and men of my team were tangible, not digital. We discovered what we liked based on environmental forces, like books assigned in school, books suggested by a friend, etc. Music was discovered and shared by radio play, recommendations from others, and shared playlists that your friend curated, not the music streaming platform or the algorithm. I thought a bit less about my appearance, I mean, in adolescence, you are quite aware, but not as much as the smartphone era has brought attention to the physical image of ourselves. I had fewer pictures, grainier pictures, but more memories. Strong memories are tied to tangible things, like songs, food, books, buildings, and movies. We were all very different from each other, yet we could find commonality, and this is where the gears in my mind started turning.

We were part of a group, but had individuality. Yet, nowadays I feel more like I’m in a void, of no commonality, except for how everyone is into the same things, and wears the same clothes, yet we are not connected, communicating, nor would I even consider that despite our shared things we are on a team or part of a community. It’s hollow.

I think we are missing the point of life. We are not working towards something together. We are not part of communities. We are part of aesthetics. We have become fans not of art or sport but of corporations like Target, Lululemon, Sephora, Stanley, and Tesla. Well, probably not Tesla anymore. Target is also being boycotted, so…anyways. Apple, Alo, Rhode, Kate Spade, Trader Joe’s, Labubu. That’s more 2025, phew. Why are we stanning companies? Why are we considering shopping for a hobby? This is not a way to connect; it is a way to consume and drown in stuff instead of substance. Our roots are becoming so shallow, and our debt is vast; we are plants choked out by the weeds of hyper-individualism. We have let originality become a thing achieved not by character formation and real-life community, but by the path of purchase. Purchases for ourselves. It snuck in so fast, I didn’t realize how the art of gift giving has become a self-care checklist. Yikes! It wasn’t until playing Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing: New Horizons that I was struck by how topsy-turvy my own culture has become. Our priorities are whack, and I believe it has made us lonely, shells, devoid of individual thought, buying our way to “happiness” because all we think about is our individual needs above all. We have forgotten that humans are fulfilled by the relationships and communities we are rooted in. It’s time to break the spell.

My Spring 2025 Soundtrack

Turning grass into unearthed soil – The Tiller

Chirping – Robins

Battleground – Stray Kids

K.K. Oasis

A cut hitting rock – The Shovel

A trickle of water – The Rain Barrel

Staple Jam – The Upholstery Stapler

Cutting Fiberglass Screen – Utility Knife

Slingshot – Nmixx

Glug Glug – Watering Can

Coughing – Garden Tone

Disgust and Fear – The Big Earthworm

K.K. Adventure

My Place

Stalling on Tall Grass – The Mower

Booms that Shake My House – Tannerite from Reckless Community Members

Ice Cream Cake – Red Velvet

Cinema – Lee Know & Seungmin

Humming and Cool Air – The Window A/C

Shock and Gasp – Acid Reflux in the Middle of the Night

Great British Bake Off Theme

Know About Me – Nmixx

Buzzing of Bees

Mia Pulling on the Carpet – Bunny Teeth

Frustration, Fear, and Worry – Trump’s Non Stop Executive Orders

Autism Awareness Content – Fighting The RFK Jr Ignorance

Unmasking is Hard

The term “unmasking” was new to me when I first learned of my neurodivergence. I saw it on Pinterest and Instagram, displayed in captions and little relatable memes, but what did it mean?

I felt the full experience of what it means a few nights ago when I was invaded once again by rising anxiety, flooding through my mind, and this pressure, invisible yet firm, closing in on me. I knew deep down that I was close to having a meltdown, from environmental things that a neurotypical would brush off. I also knew that I couldn’t melt down; it wasn’t safe to be me. I couldn’t stim, that would be looked down upon with pity. I had to put on that mask, the normal-brained facade I’ve studied my whole life to become invisible and just blend into the sea of normies.

I feel this pressure to mask the most when I am interacting with my family. My mom and her side, for a brief time, my dad and his side. It’s a quagmire, being the offspring of two very domineering, neurotypical, narcissistic humans.

It’s a lot of work. Why am I sharing this? Because if you feel this way, you are not alone. I see you. I support you. I am rallying for you and I to make it through these moments holding space for us to be as we are, and to feel like we are enough. We don’t need to be fixed, we need to cope with this wild world that doesn’t understand us.

Like an ill-fitting garment, the clothes are the problem not your body. Your brain is not the problem, the world favors one way of doing things and that doesn’t make it right. Being louder doesn’t make your point more correct. There is nothing wrong with who you are and who you were created to be.

I hope wherever you are, this finds you well. That you are safe, loved, valued, and being kind to yourself. The world needs more kindness. Know that I love you and support you. Take the mask off, breathe, stim, and find peace.

Until next time ❤

I Made Furniture From Fabric Scraps

Do you ever look at an item you want to buy and think, how hard can that be to make? Well, that’s exactly how we got here.

Floor Culture

I’ve been moving my sewing room around, I took down my sewing table and moved to the floor. Which I know sounds extreme, but seriously, sitting on the floor is underated. My back and hips don’t get tight and my posture is improving. In the West, I think we have been foolish to move away from sitting on the floor and should acknowledge how wise other cultures are to sit on the floor for health and posture.

I have a wicker chair that is good for sitting in when I want a break from the floor, but what I was missing was an in between piece of furniture that I could move depending on my needs. I settled on a floor cushion that could be used as a seat, a workspace, folded up in a cushion or rolled into the corner for yoga to add more stretch breaks to my life.

Quick Fix

But here’s the catch, I decided I needed this piece of furniture on a whim and that’s what I am trying to remove from my purchasing decisions – less impulse purchases. I want to become less of a consumer and use what I have, so I thought could I make what I want? Similar cushions for sale online were 100-400 USD and with the tarriffs looming, I was feeling a bit nervous to buy something.

But then I remembered my Mom made a pouf, she knit the cover. I’d watched Morgan Donner make things from her scrap and fashion a mattress from braided fabric. I had also begun saving my fabric scraps and sorting them into bags that were taking over my crafting closet. I just had to settle on the cover fabric and design.

Design and Materials

A large rectangle seemed like the ticket with corners I could sew crisply and easily stuff at the end. There was this one extra wide cut of fabric I bought from Joann’s last summer which caught my eye. It’s a fabric I bought because I enjoyed the design but didn’t want to wear it. It looks a bit like denim and had a lovely swirl pattern that I thought, would compliment the lavender paint of the room. With the fabric sorted, it was time to tackle the pattern and stuffing!

I measured the fabric into two large rectangles and four slimmer sections to form the sides. These I sewed inside out to leave only one end open to stuff. I sewed this by hand over the course of a day, I’d say in total the sewing portion of this project was the easiest part. What lay ahead next was tricky, blister inducing  and stressful.

Stuffing and Scraps

I had bags upon bags of scrap fabric in varying sized pieces ready to be repurposed into stuffing, but the thing with fabric cabbage is that it’s not uniform. Which means there will be a lot of cuts to make. This I foolishly chose to do with my old fabric scissors, instead of using my rotary cutter and mat. I wish I had. The repetitive cutting motion wore a blister on my thumb and aggrevated an old injury on my finger joint.

My hands were tired, weak, and wrecked by the end of day one. Worse the cushion was 1/3 full. Not what I was expecting! How could it take that much stuffing?! With my bags of fabric scraps depleted, I moved on to new sources of cushion comfort. Such as yarn that I was given secondhand, which I had no creative plan for. This yarn was a super bulky, acrylic yarn, about 300 yards left, and perfectly fluffy for stuffing. I cut this into pieces and carried on auditing my stash.

I repurposed some old clotbes into stuffing, a blanket Mia’s little bunny chompers had chewed into swiss cheese, and more leftover yarn floating around my sewing room. Yet, I still lacked the floof I was after so I broke down and browsed the interweb. I knew polyfill was an option, but it’s also polyester and the point of this was to repurpose and use up things, not go to Walmart for polyfill, which happened to stretch very little. When I made a bolster pillow for our couch out of an old sheet, I went through 5+ bags of it. Whuch made me wonder, are there alternatives to polyfill on the market? There are! I found a small business, selling cotton filling that shipped. This got me to comfortable fluff, I still need a bit more but I’m going to revisit it later.

Voila! A piece of furniture made (mostly) from what I had in my house that used up some trash in the process. I am pleased. 😁

Phone Calls in the Smartphone Era

As a Zillennial, on the cusp of both Gen Z and Millennials, my generation(s) have been stereotyped by the older folks as being afraid of phone calls, preferring a text to a voice on the other end of the line. And for a while, I’d say, yeah, I fell into this place of preferring a text as a teenager or chatting online, in my moody, insecure teenagedom, but then the phone call became this novelty of a thing. Calling someone seemed so serious, I became apprehensive if my question or answer was “serious” enough to warrant a call.

I didn’t want to be a burden, which is such a strange upside-down world from childhood, when the phone was the only way to contact your friends. I remember in the days of late elementary school, email being another exciting tool to communicate, like letters, but now email has become an intrusive contact on my smartphone. And maybe, that’s because email felt like real mail, when you could only check it on your window of computer time on the shared family computer. There was a boundary between online and offline. My mind has been marinating on this since watching a Theresa Yea video called, Why the Internet Will Never Be Cool Again.

I’m currently stuck in an endless game of phone tag, which is quite common when I am talking regularly to one of my parents. With my dad, it was a long game of waiting for that perfect window of nothingness. His layover in a city he found boring, I’d keep him company as he complained about life. Entertaining him and supporting him in his time of boredom, because if he were home, he was on the go every single moment. If I needed him, he would usually call me back on a drive home with a small set window for his attention span or horrible service.

My mom, in a similar fashion, gets stuck in these loops going non-stop. Except she answers the phone in loud restaurants, in the car, or at events, just to tell me that she is not available. She will even talk to other people around her, making me wait, or will pass the phone to the people she is with, as if I want to say hi to them when I really just wanted to converse with her about something important.

There is nothing like being on the brink of a panic attack and having your mom pass you to an acquaintance to say hi instead of listening to your crisis. Especially when you called because you thought they were home and available, but really, your loved one is always on the go. Not emotionally available. I hate calling and being met with passive-aggressive pressure to stop talking and let her go, even though she chose to answer the phone and enter into conversation like she was available at first, only to break that illusion as soon as you answer “how you are doing”. Read the room, kid, but honestly, how can I? This is particularly confusing when my parents both let me know how they would prefer me to live closer so I would be more available, but would it matter?

The video call and the text have become two of the most intrusive manners of communication, because a text should be responded to promptly and a video call, in her mind is perfectly normal to answer in a public setting like a restaurant or car without letting me know before I speak, what I believe I am saying in private to a person who is available to talk, to be swiftly gotcha-ed by the fact that I am not alone, and my privacy is not respected. The video call is like a two-edged sword; it is nice to connect with friends and family over long distances, but it is also a tool that hinders connection. It drops in unannounced and forces conversations that should be private to be open to the room.

I crave the dedicated correspondence of my grandma’s era, when she moved to another town, which meant that calling her mom would be categorized as long distance, and so she and her mom wrote letters to each other every day. I haven’t had that kind of connection with my mom since she got remarried, and I miss that feeling of connection, of being heard. It’s something that carried through my Grandma and my Aunt Florence’s generation, my phone calls with them being so intentional and full of connection. It was a visit, a catch-up, and was treated with hard boundaries. The common thread here is the lack of a smartphone.

Phones were still seen as tools to converse, not mini-computers full of distractions. I find this intentionality coming back to conversations I have with my friends; there are boundaries and moments set aside to converse without distractions. We have planned phone calls or dedicated pauses to set aside other tasks to write longer messages, like letters, through messaging apps. It has improved our communication and respect for each other’s time, in a way that I wish I could have with my parents. I just want to connect and not be connected. I want to converse and not call. I want to correspond and not text.

It is all a pipe dream, because this is never going to happen, they are just too enamoured with technology and the endless possibilities of their boomer generation, and the financial leg up that their generation has to be on the go and do things nearly constantly. We live in two different worlds, and that makes me sad.

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