This is a post of gratitude and retrospect, posted about a month too late but that’s alright. It still counts. I bought my sewing machine a year ago (plus a month) and it has transformed my workflow and productivity while reducing headaches and finger strain.
Sewing By Hand
How you may ask? Well, when I started sewing back in the fall of 2020, money was tight as it was for everyone that year, and machines were out of stock so I started sewing by hand through Bernadette Banner’s tutorials. I kept doing this for a year and a half until I was getting sick of the slow pace, eye strain, finger strain, and lack of structure when it came to making strong seams on thick fabric. My stitches were still elementary and my construction was lacking because the literal sewing process was occupying most of my time.
I’m stubborn and self-destructive in my creative process so I refused to give in and buy one until I was working on my A/W 2022 Collection. I was behind, not finishing things the way I wanted, and downright miserable. My husband who is my best friend insisted that I stop the madness and buy a machine and that’s how I ended up with my pal, Señor Senior Singer.
Why a Heavy Duty Machine?
At first, I was scared of using the machine. I have used three other machines and I didn’t understand how they worked. My mom lent me her 2010’s Brother Machine with a computer stitch function. It had a lot of error messages and broke down. My dad brought me a 1960s Sears and Roebuck machine he found in an attic, it has some serious internal mechanical issues. My Aunt Florence gave me her 2000s Brother machine that has been well maintained and through that experience I got a bit acquainted with the machine sewing process. It was still overwhelming though because I lacked the knowledge to know how to get out of a jam of thread or how to reload that pesky bobin. Don’t even ask me about thread tension or needle type, I was lost.
Through this experience I learned durability, strength of sewing, and lack of computerization was what I was looking for. I want to be able to sew through a tightly woven twill for a coat and yet have the durability to know I can sew for many years. I wanted a machine with reliability that I could count on to not have a computer meltdown during the middle of a delicate project.
Sewing Is Fun Again
A year in, I’m incredibly pleased with the Singer Heavy Duty Machine. It came with a download for a comprehensive user manual and the needles are easy to find and affordable. It has allowed me to finish projects with finesse and speed. In doing so I’ve been able to find balance in my life to write, to knit, to draw, to workout with more regularity, manage the house better and be generally less cranky and frustrated by how my time is being used.
I’m passionate about fashion and this year my desire for the craft has grown. I feel a hunger to level up my skills and create more complicated and beautiful things. The technical part of the sewing process was lifted off my shoulder by Señor Senior Singer and without the space again to get creative, I know I wouldn’t have made as many strides in design and execution as I was able to do. Because honestly, I would have quit in 2023 without the machine. I was so burnt out by the drudgery that is sewing by hand with our modern fabrics.
Thank you, Señor Senior Singer for being in my life a whole year! It’s been a fantastic ride and I can’t wait to see where we taking our sewing together next year!
These outfits are a mix of handmade pieces and things I’ve picked up. Where I live it was a chilly fall, complete with snow and blustery, rainy days which is fine by me because I love cozy clothing. The weather provided the chance to get more wear out of my sweaters and knit accessories before winter even began!
Fall and Winter are my preferred seasons to build an outfit in simply for the textures, silhouettes, and possibilities. I like patterns, obviously. But I like pattern with darker colors which is not the best for those hot summer days when a lighter color is best. It’s been fun to build a wardrobe with a color palette this year. I’ve paid more attention to my silhouettes, particularly when it came to adding pants to my closet. I prefer options – baggy, flared, tailored, skinny, athleisure, etc. Give them all to me so I can play around with a new look.
I mentioned in My NanoWrimo 2023 that I am working on a new fiction idea, a novel to be exact. I’ve been pushing myself to write and not worry about being perfect, to let the ideas flow and take life on the page. The polish can be applied later. It’s been a good strategy so far. I have my intro into the world, a general idea of the setting and the characters. I’m meeting them and their world. I have a clear idea of what I want this story to say and where it is going to end. What I am struggling with is the timeline. I have the ending, but the beginning is getting a bit fuzzy.
Story Structure
In my previous project Udal Cuain, I decided to join the story after the damage had been done so to speak. There was an in-media res structure to the timeline with flashbacks and characters processing the aftermath of an exile. It was a definite form of the story. The plot was handcuffed to certain storytelling devices to make it work. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want my writing to be one note. This is where I am at a crossroads, do I start at the beginning? Do I start in the beginning-ish middle? How many flashbacks do I plan for?
The other thing I am uncertain of is whether I tell the story in first person and then how many perspectives should I include? In Udal Cuain there was an ensemble of main characters, do I narrow it down to one perspective for this one? It’s a lot to consider.
My Plan
My plan at the moment, to keep writing but not get ahead of myself has been to write notes above and below what I have written in my first draft to build out the story beforehand and afterward the chapters I have. I’ve denoted things I want in separate chapters. I’ve started pausing when the ideas are getting ahead of my mind and leaving a note to add more detail where I’d like to come back and elaborate further.
I’ve started planning out character names, and settings cues. This is the first time I’ve jumped in and sketched out the characters after. I had two whole chapters written before I had to commit to placeholder names for the sake of clarity.
With this in place, I’m planning to pause my writing to sketch out a summary from beginning to end that I can use to orient myself within the story and decide where to start. This intimidates me a bit because I’ve never sketched out a timeline from start to finish before. With Udal Cuain I was uncertain where the story was going in the end and it showed. This one has a definite ending.
Writing Music
I’m excited to have a writing playlist taking shape! Music is such a big inspiration for me. The music pulls ideas out of me and without good, expressive music my writing can be a bit flat. Currently, my favorite writing albums to pull from are Tomorrow X Together’s minisode 1: Blue Hour, The Name Chapter: Temptation, minisode 2: Thursday’s Child, Aespa’s Drama, Stray Kids’ Rockstar, Five Star, and No Easy.
How much TXT is on the list surprises me because I’m not a MOA or an avid listener more of a fringe TXT fan. There is something about the melodic nature of their songwriting that has made me happy and focused. SKZ is obvious, 3RACHA just gets me. Their creativity overflows from the music. Drama by Aespa is a sleeper. I didn’t like the new album upon release but it’s good for getting my creative juices flowing.
Goals by the End of 2023
Create a working timeline, with a clear start and finish.
Determine character names
Write a few more chapters, don’t lose momentum.
Be a diligent note-taker to keep the ideas flowing.
Whenever I am feeling a bit glum, I think of baking. I learned this from my Grandma. Her mom, who lost her parents at a young age and grew up quite poor would make herself “feel” rich by baking a cake.
I think this is such a sweet sentiment to hold because baking is something you can do with a little money or a lot of money. You can make something for yourself for a little pick me up or can brighten someone else’s day. It is shareable, communal, and made with love.
Baking is a moment of connection for me. A connection through the generations. So much about our present world is different from what it has been in the past, except for food. Food bridges those time gaps.
It even bridges distance and time. As I baked last Monday evening, on the other end of the phone my sister-in-law had just finished baking her own cookies and was making dinner. It was like we were together in a shared experience.
Mixing, resting, rolling. The process of rolling the dough to a thin layer, dunking the shaped cutter in flour, and pressing a new image into the dough was timeless. I could have been four or fourteen or thirty and made these cookies with my mom. We always did every year, every Christmas time. I sent her pictures of the cookies and we reminisced about years past.
The dough, the cookie dough reminds me of meals at Eat’n Park and their free smiley cookies. It’s childhood, cozy in a bite. It makes me feel rich in memories and moments spent with people I love.
Baking is my cozy corner of retreat, cut-out cookies my warm fuzzy blanket. I think that is what makes The Great British Bake Off irresistible. What a wonderful place of solace in a gloomy world.
Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. I wish you love and comfort wherever you are.
Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22 ESV
A month ago this verse popped across the screen of my phone, the verse of the day. Although those change daily, this one popped up again, and again. I wasn’t sure why but I knew I should take note. I’ve been a procrastinator in my devotions this fall, without a clear direction in my Bible study, I began reading this chapter, Psalm 55, daily. I’d read it and then reread it. I’d recite the words slowly in my head, sometimes out loud.
Again I wasn’t sure why. I thought maybe God was teaching me something, it felt like He was asking me to trust Him more in those moments of loss. Life was going pretty well so I wasn’t sure why it was happening now as I tend to do. I like to figure everything out, especially when I am supposed to wait and see. My impatient mind does not like waiting and seeing. I’ve learned over time to trust that if He is doing something to take note, and trust that even if it isn’t the way I would want things to happen there is a well-woven tapestry to His plan that will bring me out to the other side, perfectly loved as the song says.
You’re perfectly human Made from the dust You’ve got a heart, broken and scarred, yet perfectly loved Oh, even when you were running Even when you were hiding Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved When you barely believed it (when you barely believed it) When your eyes couldn’t see it Every single moment you’ve always been perfectly loved Perfectly loved You’ve always been perfectly loved
– Rachel Lampa
This morning, that tapestry is becoming more clear. Psalm 55 is sandwiched between Psalm 54 and Psalm 56, the headings read – The Lord Upholds My Life, Cast Your Burden on the Lord, In God I Trust. When I was reading Psalm 55 in November, I read these too. I realized He was preparing me for a purpose, to trust Him this weekend when I learned I had unknowingly been eating an item containing milk and got sick. I was ready and rooted when a relational rug with a friend was pulled out from underneath me and I was prepared to be brave and ask her to stay instead of running first.
In the past I’ve been too afraid to be vulnerable with people who are leaving me, I’m always too scared to stop them. I’m terrified to say I care about them, to say that I’m hurting, and to ask them to stay because I’m afraid that they will laugh at me. I’ve been afraid of being too much. I’ve learned from my relationship with my husband that sometimes you have to be willing to look like an idiot because you care about someone. Reaching out first doesn’t mean you are weak or pathetic. It shows that the person means something to you. Being sad that a friendship is ending is healthy and normal, getting angry and burning a bridge so that you look tough is just plain dumb.
But the verse doesn’t say anything about this right? Right but the entire chapter is about David running from a treacherous enemy, it’s about betrayal. Through studying this chapter I’ve learned how to trust God against a treacherous enemy – myself.
I am my worst enemy. I will burn it all down when I’m scared faster than anyone can hurt me. I’ve been a runner, an island, terrified of letting anyone into the deepest parts of my insecurity. I may not be able to trust humans without fail with my heart but I can trust God and that is where my worth must come from. In denying feelings of sadness, and loss, and wanting those relationships to be, I was denying myself the opportunity to grow.
Making peace with my worst enemy, myself has brought me inner peace. I can trust God against my treacherous enemy, myself.
I couldn’t have done that without God’s care to prepare me for it. Through this whole experience, I have learned how great His love is. His love reaches out without certainty of us reaching back and if that is was the ultimate expression of love for us, then who am I to stop myself from growing and maturing to be more Christ-like? Especially if He is going to all this effort to be there for us.
How do you find inner peace? Have you ever self-sabotaged? Do you find it easy to be vulnerable?
This was my most ambitious project yet and I’m happy to say it’s done! And on schedule too because the deadline in my head was by the end of 2023. I didn’t think I would get there, especially with other projects, but it happened!
It’s funkier than I first designed, and it’s also a dress now which is fun and unique to my wardrobe. I don’t have any sweater tunics or dresses like this. I’m excited to play around with styling this piece as winter is yet to come. It’s still autumn technically which makes me want to jump for joy because I’ll be able to enjoy this piece all season long instead of partially or not at all like some of my former projects.
December is a weird month. I like Christmas and in the same breath, all the holiday joy reminds me of loved ones who aren’t with me anymore. The darkness of winter, the time change, and dreary gray days have felt like my mind washing over my environment when I get sad.
My grandma passed away on December 18, a few years ago now. Before she passed, our family holidays moved from being at home to being celebrated at a nursing home because my papa had broken his neck and wasn’t able to recover fully from the injury at 80 years old. The season has felt a little empty now for seven years. It hasn’t been all bad, my husband and I have created new traditions and I’ve found a lot of joy in rejecting the tradition and finding new ways to enjoy the season. Making things and being generous to others, whether in my community or social circle, has been the best way to make this month joyful for me personally.
Potato Technology’s A/W 2022 was about this exact point, I wanted to make things for the people who showered me with love and encouragement as I found my way back from grief to a new normal. The last Christmas season before the pandemic, we made cards for a local nursing home and that is still one of my favorite Christmas memories of the last seven years.
That was the same year my brother came to visit me on Christmas. We never spent a holiday together in our 26 years of being brother and sister. It was cool and also hard to process. I think there will never be enough time or enough normalcy to make my relationship with my brothers feel whole because we didn’t get the chance to have that and had to make our own traditions with our separate moms. My sister’s existence with another mom makes the entire thing more complicated, as I have been both shoehorned into that nuclear family even though I don’t belong and have been passed over for the normalcy of my sister’s two-parent home.
My dad and my stepmom don’t understand boundaries. If I put up a boundary, they tear it down. They even weaponize this time of year to make me feel guilty. Before I cut off contact it was guilt to be at their house in south Georgia for every Thanksgiving and Christmas on my dime. This irks me because they are incredibly rich compared to me and most people in my life and it’s unfair to place these financial and emotional expectations on me. Since I have cut contact because I got tired of the toxic environment, I get a reminder of my failure with a Christmas card and sometimes a present. The card used to come from my dad but as I have not done as he wished, it now comes from his wife and has become more cutting.
I’m not sure if it will come this year but it hangs over my mind as I feel grief that my dad can’t be in my life without hurting me, and if I take a step back from the dysfunction for my own sanity, I receive nasty cards reminding me how it is all my fault. Merry Christmas, you’re failing us as a daughter. In reality, the situation is complicated and I am sure at fault for things but the sheer inability to acknowledge that it takes two people in a relationship to make it or break it baffles me.
I think all this baggage could be why, I am utterly distraught that my friendship with a friend I met in college which was honestly always dysfunctional, and probably better for both of us to go separate ways, has ended abruptly. Even though I saw it coming and was honestly on borrowed time, the fact that it fell apart at this time of the year is bringing me quite low. I don’t understand how it all happened as quickly as it did. Because I’ve lived so many years now with those nasty Christmas cards, I can’t help thinking this is all my fault and that I didn’t mean much to her anyway. Which is crazy because I know that our friendship did mean a lot.
Man, this time of the year is not as holly or jolly as those songs claim. It is complicated because it can’t be perfect like the movies tell us it will be. If you are having a hard time, know that I’m here for you and I’m sending you love through my keyboard because I am not doing well either. Thank you for spending a bit of your day with me.
How late in the month is too late to make it count? Today, on the second to last day of the month I got a brain wave and have two chapters in a rough draft! I don’t want to give too much away because it’s early in the process. I’m ecstatic though! I was beginning to think Udal Cuain was a fluke and another idea would not come my way. Making lemonade from lemons, that’s the inspiration at least.
If you celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. If you don’t celebrate I hope you had a great weekend. I got some solid advice this weekend that I think catapulted this process forward. I was at my mom’s and met up with a former professor from my college. He’s become a family friend over the years which is cool because he was one of my favorite professors.
I was showing him what I was getting up to with sewing and knitting, sharing my design journey, and he asked me if I was planning to sell my creations. I was honest and shared that when I think about taking the leap to sell online or in person, I am filled with doubt that my items are good enough to sell. All I can see are the mistakes instead of listening to feedback from others that they would be interested in purchasing. He considered this and replied that the difference between a published dissertation and a perfect dissertation is that one is completed. It may not be perfect but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value. When we get stuck in the loop of perfection, we may never move forward to the next step.
This echoed advice I received from a random stranger who is also a writer, earlier in November. That staying organized with the writing process is less important than just getting started. I can’t write a book unless I get the ideas down on paper, no matter how chaotic the first draft is. She encouraged me to just write and edit it later but to get the ideas out of my head. It gave me the motivation to begin an outline for a dress history research project that I’ve been working on here and there in November. This would be non-fiction, which I was fine pivoting my attention to, but I am stoked that I actually had an idea for a non-fiction project because I want to push myself to go all the way this time. To not get stuck in re-writes with Udal Cuain and abandon the project instead of pushing forward to publish it.
I feel a creative spark coming back! This month may not have gone to plan and that’s okay. I have two chapters and an outline for another project. I am truly pleased! What I have been reminded of through this process is how important people are to our lives, strangers and mentors alike, you never know what solid advice others have to share if you take the leap to reach out and connect.
The clearance section of a fabric store may be my biggest design inspiration. It is in the bolts of discounted fabrics from seasons past that you can find some real gems in my opinion. My brain gets a break from the items deemed trendy or seasonal for a moment to look for something new and at a reasonable price to justify taking a chance on something new. That is how I took a chance on this two-sided scuba fabric that is hot pink and light pink. Not really my cup of tea! But it was 2 USD per yard and honestly a fascinating texture and weight. It was worth the leap to try something new, so I did!
Now, do I always have a garment idea in mind when I pick out these cuts? Nope. Should I? Probably. But some magic can happen as they hang out in my fabric stash like inspiration finding its way to me, which is quite fun.
For this cut, in particular, I was a scuba newbie. The weight was hefty with a bit of stretch, so it needed to be a garment that could handle the heavier textile. The two-sided nature provided two color palettes in one. I considered a jacket, a coat dress maybe? The thing that was working against my creative brain was the Barbie movie. I did not want to make a Barbie cosplay, simply because Barbie was not my favorite toy. I was an American Girl Doll and a Fashion Polly girl through and through. Making a Barbie-inspired garment would not be authentically me nor would it be something I would wear because, did I mention I don’t really wear pink? Yeah, I don’t love pink, especially hot pink, so why did I buy hot pink fabric fabric? I think I like pushing myself to a place of adventure with the clothes I make. I don’t want to make boring clothes if my skills will allow me to do so. No matter what I did with this fabric it was not going to be boring.
One day I saw this photo of Hyunjin on Instagram and it hit me, why does this pink scuba fabric half to be made into a feminine Barbie cosplay? Hot pink looks fantastic in a masculine silhouette. Making a neutral garment, like a pair of pants could be just the thing I need to make this fabric feel accessible to me and my own personal style. A pink dress felt too on the nose for me to get any wear out of and that is a big thing for me. I don’t want to make things I am not going to wear just for the heck of it. Maybe one day if I have a way to sell things that aren’t my personal style but right now that would be a poor use of resources and excess clutter my closet doesn’t need.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to make a hot pink pair of jeans like Hyunjin is wearing, I simply don’t have a jeans pattern in my stash, but I do have a menswear trouser pattern. I chose to use that instead of free-handing a jeans pattern so this garment would have the best chance of success. Jeans have an incredible amount of details that make them distinct and classic. The pants I drafted were going to be far more simple as these would be my first attempt at sewing my own trousers. It was a big moment!
I altered the menswear trouser pattern I had for a better fit by raising the rise for a higher-waisted fit. I did this to fit my waist better and to give more room to my hips. I was nervous these were not going to fit me right because I was grading the pattern to my own design so I cut a generous seam allowance around each piece. (A little too generous I will find out later.) This fabric cut like butter and did not make a mess, which was a huge victory after my Jack Sparrow Inspired Coat corduroy left a layer of fluff on my floor that I still find remnants of today.
To match the crotch lines better, I tried something new from my previous shorts projects and sewed the front and back seams first and then I worked the inseams, working my way out the outside leg seams last. I don’t know if this is the proper technique for sewing trousers but it worked well for this project. I tried them on and the pants fit well, a little wonky at the front because I left too much seam allowance, but they looked like actual pants that an actual person would wear. It was around this point that I realized I needed to do more than just sew two leg tubes together, these trousers would need pockets, fastening, and belt loops to be a properly finished garment.
I recently learned how to make button holes which I shared in My First Buttondown Shirt and with this newfound knowledge I decided to go in a Spicy direction, literally like the Aespa Spicy M/V, I was going y2k! What was cooler than popstar fashion when I was a kid? Nothing. I wanted these to feel like Destiny’s Child or a backup dancer for Proto Zoa would wear.
I decided the best way to accomplish this would be to make cargo pockets for a funky twist and place them higher like you would normal pockets, to hide the weird fit around the front of the pants. These pockets I designed to be usable, big enough for my phone, and secure, with proper button closures. This was my first attempt at cargo pockets and belt loops and I have to say, they were not as scary to make as I thought, especially with the use of my heavy-duty sewing machine.
Final Thoughts
So as far as my first pair of proper pants, not just lounge pants, I am supremely pleased with how they fit. I can see the flare leg starting at the knee. I like how they fall around my hips. I like the length and the rise of the waistline. The pockets were stronger than I anticipated and the belt loops were functional, which came in handy because these pants were a bit big and continued to stretch as I wore them. Styling them was a bit of a challenge, as I realized I didn’t own much in my existing wardrobe that paired well in color and proportion to the silhouette of these pants. Shoes were also a challenge, I opted for a pair of Converse high tops since I believe they go with almost anything.
This is where things got interesting. I wanted to show my mom and my excitement bested my judgment. I unwisely decided to wear these pants out and about for a day of running errands in Wexford. This was my first mistake. My second mistake came from my unwise decision to cut the pieces with an extra seam allowance that made the front of the pants fit weird. The waistband was a bit big which I thought I could remedy with a belt. It did work for a bit until the fabric began to stretch, and stretch it did! The belt stopped working which was awkward, as every few minutes I had to adjust the belt.
My third mistake was not inserting a zipper to take the waistband in, which I should have planned for. I got excited and sewed the seams before I remembered the zipper. This scuba fabric showed every hole, whether pin or needle, therefore seam ripping and inserting the zipper worried me because the fabric was weaker in those spots. I was concerned the pants would rip (foreshadowing) so I left the pants as is to depend on that belt for structure. The side was the only place to put the zipper because the front was fitting so weirdly I did not want a zipper shining a big spotlight on that error.
Herein lies my final boss of mistakes, the fabric versus my thread tension. It was a mele. With thick fabric, I raise the thread tension because it helps the needle sew through the thicker fabric. Being unfamiliar with scuba I didn’t know how the scuba would respond. The scuba did not like the high tension nor did it like being sewn. I was able to get the pants, the pockets, the waistband, buttons, and belt loops on, but there were times I could barely get a needle through. The tension came back to bite me in the butt as my wear test went on. By the end of the day, I was incredibly thankful we headed home early. The thread on structural seams, like the main ones in the front, back, and sides had begun to rip through the fabric. The seams were on their last leg.
I’ve never had this happen with a project before! I was incredibly frustrated as this project took days to sew. My fingers were scratched up from the pins and the needle accidentally stabbed me as I hand sewed the buttons. There was no way to fix them, they were toast.
And so ends the journey of the pink pants. They had a good day out. A one-time adventure. They were good pants that deserved better. In my short time with them, they taught me a lot. Thank you pink pants and random scuba fabric. I will never purchase scuba again!
One Rabbit Riot 