I have this new widget on my phone, the verse of the day, and what I love about this new widget is that I can’t accidentally close out the notification like I can with the Bible App’s push notification. I’ve done that so many times by accident and it frustrates me because I like having the verse of the day reminder at the top of my phone. Why do you ask? These verse-of-the-day notifications are sometimes like a voice in the wilderness, paraphrasing Isaiah 40:3. It cuts through the chaos, the world’s inhumanity, and all that life throws at us. It reminds me to stop and remember who stands beside me through every moment – Jesus.
Today’s verse of the day is a verse I remember from childhood, it was the theme verse of my Bible cover. It was shortened to include the first phrase of the sentence – “a friend loves at all times” and featured a cartoon-style illustration of a group of kids with their arms around each other like they were posing for a photo. They were united in love for one another. I liked that case because it reminded me that I could feel the fellowship I longed for being an only child with my friends. I could get a taste of the community my friends and cousins had instead of feeling like the odd one out.
It wasn’t until much later, it could easily be my Bible read-through in 2020-2021, that I understood there was more to the verse. There is more to this verse, and the entire second half of a sentence that fills me with emptiness not because I am an only child, but understanding what the verse means – family united. Recently there has been a lot of family in my life again and it has taken me some time to get used to having people around again.
In the last ten years, my family has seemed more like Coyote to my Road Runner.
There has been a lot of betrayal, suspicious decisions, and big divides. When I read that verse this morning I was struck by how I associate friends with the security of family and family with the cloak of the adversary in my life. The villain mostly instead of the place I run to. Am I really that jaded? Cause that sounds jaded and not like a person in a healthy place. I shouldn’t be scared of family, but I am. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to be let down.
A longtime friend and I just ended our friendship and the weirdest part about the whole thing has been the rollercoaster of emotions flooding my mind. I feel grief like she died, but she didn’t our relationship did. I feel like I lost my sister, but ironically what sent me running for the hills in our disagreement was how much she began to remind me of my sister, my dad’s youngest. We have different moms. We have a lot of baggage and the relationship is quite toxic.
In the final days of our friendship, I was freaked out once I saw how much our friendship had grown into a toxic state mirroring my relationship with my sister. The crossover from a safe friendship to a toxic family dynamic frightened me. Ironically since we had to part ways because we couldn’t seem to right our problems, I have been grieved about losing a “sister” figure in that friendship. Even though the friendship was unhealthy for a long time, I felt a sisterhood with her because she wasn’t actually related to me, and I overlooked the ways we were unhealthy for each other because it is safer to cling to this faux-sister thing than to leave it behind. I completely wish my friend well and want her to find a support system that works better for her because the toxic dynamic that we brought out in each other was no good for anyone.
And yet, I find myself feeling like that little kid again with the Bible cover hoping I find a new community even though I do have a community right in front of me, but some of that community involves family. I’m definitely supposed to learn something here.
So, why am I sharing all this? When I saw this verse pop up on my widget I was struck by how serious this is for our communities and our world. Family should not be the ones who hurt us, but they can and they do, on varying levels of seriousness, some being very, very serious levels. God gave us the structure of family and of friendship. They are inherently good things. But we use them for bad because we are fallen humans. We are capable of creating unrepairable damage, where I stand with several family members and it sucks knowing that we may never be able to repair this on Earth.
I think being a Peacemaker, as God calls us to be is more than just finding reconciliation, I think it’s also about filling those gaps in society. Some people have family members who have done evil things and their actions and continued choices have made it impossible to reconcile on Earth as it stands, it’s all in God’s hands for now. Being a peacemaker does not mean forcing insincere apologies, or forcing families back into dangerous, even deadly situations. Being a peacemaker challenges us to bring God’s kingdom here. To love, to comfort, to fill the gaps, and to show who God is and what He freely gives to us all if we accept Him. None of us have earned it or deserve it and that’s not the point. The point is to glorify God and allow Him to transform our lives and our world. Being a willing vessel is what is important.
I was watching a documentary last night called Jonathan & Jesus, it’s on Amazon Prime, and in it, Jonathan Roumie met with the leader of Civil Righteousness, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, and spoke about what being a peacemaker is and I was struck by how much daily myself and the world around me misses the point of what that means. Especially for me, I think of my family. It’s like we have divorced ourselves from acknowledging that is part of the Christian life. But in the early church, Christians were the peacemakers, the outposts of hope in dire situations like plagues. There are a lot of things, I remembered, that we are missing the plot about. Some days it feels overwhelming to think about creating change, even in my own life not just in my community, or my country.
This verse of the day really humbled me. The documentary humbled me. The words of Jonathan Roumie, Brandon Flowers, Alice Cooper, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, Francis Chan, etc humbled me. But also filled me with hope and purpose. A reset. I’m resetting a lot this month, I guess between my schedule and my focus. That’s why I love the verse of the day, God speaks through this app and through documentaries, His voice is everywhere as long I listen.
I’m not a big New Year’s Resolution girl, I’m not sure if I’ve ever seriously done that or just made a joking one in my head when I was a teen cause I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. What I do like doing instead is resetting my habits and schedule after Christmas. Because no matter what phase I am in my life that week between Christmas and New Year’s seems to wreck my daily schedule and motivation like no other.
Blocks of Productivity
My plan was literally to plan, I opened Google Docs and made myself a table for a daily schedule. I have tasks I want to be doing each day or every other day – devotions, exercise, Japanese learning, writing, sewing, knitting, art, and cleaning. Without the schedule, I tend to fixate on one thing all day or jump around not making progress on much of anything except for getting through my YouTube music playlists. My solution? Blocking my time like college. Spending a chunk of time, an hour or two, the most three on a given task to get things done and keep my motivation up.
In the morning I’ve decided I have the option to do devotions, Kanji study, art (natural light dependent), or writing. In the afternoon I prefer knitting, sewing, or writing. Intersperse cleaning and exercise in between tasks. The results? One week in and I’d say, I like it! I’ve made progress on my Kanji vocabulary goals – learning 60 Kanji between two lessons. Blocking the Japanese lessons for first in the morning for two hours is the best time for my brain to absorb it. Knitting or sewing in the afternoon has helped me through that mid-afternoon slump.
It’s also allowed me a way to walk away from sewing if I am not enjoying the process. Instead of devoting a whole day to sewing like I did in the past, blocking sewing to a few hours in the afternoon lets my mind feel like I can accomplish a project and still feel okay walking away after an hour. Because sometimes sewing can make me angry. Yesterday, sewing made me quite mad after my three of my hems jammed into the needle plate. The hem was driven down by the needle and unable to be removed without stitch ripping and eventually ripping a hole in the hem. I was angry and ready to be done and instead of angry sewing, I pivoted to something else knowing I could pick up tomorrow and I would because of my new schedule.
Balance in Writing
Another motivator that prompted me to reset my daily schedule was the writing ideas I had. I mentioned before that I have a fiction idea that I have tabled for now for a more pressing idea, a non-fiction fashion research project. This is going to be a big project that needs structure to get done because I have not researched since college and it intimidates me a bit to think of doing that again without the access of inter-library-loan. I don’t know how straightforward the process is going to be on my own without the resources and my mentor to encourage me forward.
I’ve started writing poetry again, mainly to cope with big emotions, something I want to discuss further in a separate post. I’m enjoying it. I enjoy how it makes me feel to write for the fun of it again. I’ve been writing for the fun of it more and more. Last week, I wrote two lengthy pieces that could be blog posts, but I’m not sure if they are “done” yet if that makes sense. And then there is this blog, I need to be more consistent. A reset I am after this month is to get consistent and if necessary make a content calendar to keep myself on task like I used to in my digital marketing job.
Sunshine Come Back
I want to paint more, to sketch daily, and I truly feel handcuffed by the weather. This fall and winter it has been exceptionally dreary. Like we get hints of sunshine and then the gray rolls in. Today, it is mid-morning and the sun has technically risen but I can’t see it behind the sleet, the dark shadows cast by the gray clouds, and the racing wind. It is hecking depressing and I like rainy days and spooky gray skies, but this is truly messing with the art. I need to figure out a lighting situation. Once I do that I hope to get sketching and painting consistently again. Either way, Spring will come or my lighting solution will.
Seasons of Fashion
My sewing and knitting waves of creation follow seasons, the weather seasons, and not the fashion seasons because I can’t keep up and tend to forget that fashion seasons are the opposite of what you would think they would be. That being said, I made a big push in the fall to wrap up cold weather projects before December and since November, I have taken my foot off the gas pedal. But this coasting has to come to an end at some point and that is what this schedule is for because I have purchased fabric for some big, ambitious makes and those are going to take time. For knitting, I’d like to develop more knitting patterns and start looking at launching a shop in some capacity either with patterns or finished goods. I feel more confident in my knitting skills right now than in my sewing skills, but I am going to challenge myself to track my patterns for sewing this year.
This reminds me, I need to transfer a self-drafted pattern I cut out yesterday to my brown kraft paper before I sew up the side and finish the garment. I should go do that before I forget!
A lot can change in a year, but this past year thankfully had not been one of those big, earth-shaking years. Things have been consistent and I am grateful because that is not a guarantee from life.
When I was younger I used to think a year was boring if nothing huge happened. But my past self was overlooking the little moments of life that once it changes you yearn for in memory. Overlooking the small choices that make a good, consistent year happen.
It’s important to value each day and look for the good, the pleasant, the fulfilling in each day no matter how minor it may feel in comparison to others.
Looking back on who I was a year ago to now, I’m pleased with the emotional and relational intelligence I gleaned. It wasn’t something I set out as a goal, life happened that way but looking back I’m thankful that in the moments that would end up being meaningful, I showed up.
I could have phoned in those little moments and not built stronger foundations in relationships new and old. I’m glad I didn’t because in the past I have not been as present in my friendships and relationships with family. I would have regretted that.
Because of that, life is a little different than I pictured a year ago – it’s better and joyful instead of being listless and empty.
Life is also a lot sweeter because of you all who take the time to read my blog. It’s made my whole year!
Ironically a year ago I had no intention of starting this blog, I was going to start a podcast with a college acquaintance Errona Lee but that didn’t happen and it is probably for the best. Our schedules were never going to make it easy on us. I wasn’t ready to be on a YouTube-based podcast so that may have been a disaster for my confidence.
Blogging has helped me face some of my fears, like sharing my designs with others. It’s taught me discipline and reminded me that hard work is rewarding. I’ve been challenged to manage my time better and honestly shake off the cobwebs of my creativity and expression. It’s been an unexpected gift and I just wanted to say thank you for making this year a superb one. 💓
In 2023, the amount of good releases felt like a never-ceasing wave of music. It was an epic ride, and I’m sad to know the year is almost up. But hopefully, Year of the Dragon will be as generous as Year of the Rabbit was. Here are a few of my favorite b-sides (not title tracks) that made this year melodious and fun.
Also, congrats to 3RACHA for winning Best Creator at the 2023 Asia Artist Awards last night! They deserve it ❤
This is a post of gratitude and retrospect, posted about a month too late but that’s alright. It still counts. I bought my sewing machine a year ago (plus a month) and it has transformed my workflow and productivity while reducing headaches and finger strain.
Sewing By Hand
How you may ask? Well, when I started sewing back in the fall of 2020, money was tight as it was for everyone that year, and machines were out of stock so I started sewing by hand through Bernadette Banner’s tutorials. I kept doing this for a year and a half until I was getting sick of the slow pace, eye strain, finger strain, and lack of structure when it came to making strong seams on thick fabric. My stitches were still elementary and my construction was lacking because the literal sewing process was occupying most of my time.
I’m stubborn and self-destructive in my creative process so I refused to give in and buy one until I was working on my A/W 2022 Collection. I was behind, not finishing things the way I wanted, and downright miserable. My husband who is my best friend insisted that I stop the madness and buy a machine and that’s how I ended up with my pal, Señor Senior Singer.
Why a Heavy Duty Machine?
At first, I was scared of using the machine. I have used three other machines and I didn’t understand how they worked. My mom lent me her 2010’s Brother Machine with a computer stitch function. It had a lot of error messages and broke down. My dad brought me a 1960s Sears and Roebuck machine he found in an attic, it has some serious internal mechanical issues. My Aunt Florence gave me her 2000s Brother machine that has been well maintained and through that experience I got a bit acquainted with the machine sewing process. It was still overwhelming though because I lacked the knowledge to know how to get out of a jam of thread or how to reload that pesky bobin. Don’t even ask me about thread tension or needle type, I was lost.
Through this experience I learned durability, strength of sewing, and lack of computerization was what I was looking for. I want to be able to sew through a tightly woven twill for a coat and yet have the durability to know I can sew for many years. I wanted a machine with reliability that I could count on to not have a computer meltdown during the middle of a delicate project.
Sewing Is Fun Again
A year in, I’m incredibly pleased with the Singer Heavy Duty Machine. It came with a download for a comprehensive user manual and the needles are easy to find and affordable. It has allowed me to finish projects with finesse and speed. In doing so I’ve been able to find balance in my life to write, to knit, to draw, to workout with more regularity, manage the house better and be generally less cranky and frustrated by how my time is being used.
I’m passionate about fashion and this year my desire for the craft has grown. I feel a hunger to level up my skills and create more complicated and beautiful things. The technical part of the sewing process was lifted off my shoulder by Señor Senior Singer and without the space again to get creative, I know I wouldn’t have made as many strides in design and execution as I was able to do. Because honestly, I would have quit in 2023 without the machine. I was so burnt out by the drudgery that is sewing by hand with our modern fabrics.
Thank you, Señor Senior Singer for being in my life a whole year! It’s been a fantastic ride and I can’t wait to see where we taking our sewing together next year!
These outfits are a mix of handmade pieces and things I’ve picked up. Where I live it was a chilly fall, complete with snow and blustery, rainy days which is fine by me because I love cozy clothing. The weather provided the chance to get more wear out of my sweaters and knit accessories before winter even began!
Fall and Winter are my preferred seasons to build an outfit in simply for the textures, silhouettes, and possibilities. I like patterns, obviously. But I like pattern with darker colors which is not the best for those hot summer days when a lighter color is best. It’s been fun to build a wardrobe with a color palette this year. I’ve paid more attention to my silhouettes, particularly when it came to adding pants to my closet. I prefer options – baggy, flared, tailored, skinny, athleisure, etc. Give them all to me so I can play around with a new look.
I mentioned in My NanoWrimo 2023 that I am working on a new fiction idea, a novel to be exact. I’ve been pushing myself to write and not worry about being perfect, to let the ideas flow and take life on the page. The polish can be applied later. It’s been a good strategy so far. I have my intro into the world, a general idea of the setting and the characters. I’m meeting them and their world. I have a clear idea of what I want this story to say and where it is going to end. What I am struggling with is the timeline. I have the ending, but the beginning is getting a bit fuzzy.
Story Structure
In my previous project Udal Cuain, I decided to join the story after the damage had been done so to speak. There was an in-media res structure to the timeline with flashbacks and characters processing the aftermath of an exile. It was a definite form of the story. The plot was handcuffed to certain storytelling devices to make it work. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want my writing to be one note. This is where I am at a crossroads, do I start at the beginning? Do I start in the beginning-ish middle? How many flashbacks do I plan for?
The other thing I am uncertain of is whether I tell the story in first person and then how many perspectives should I include? In Udal Cuain there was an ensemble of main characters, do I narrow it down to one perspective for this one? It’s a lot to consider.
My Plan
My plan at the moment, to keep writing but not get ahead of myself has been to write notes above and below what I have written in my first draft to build out the story beforehand and afterward the chapters I have. I’ve denoted things I want in separate chapters. I’ve started pausing when the ideas are getting ahead of my mind and leaving a note to add more detail where I’d like to come back and elaborate further.
I’ve started planning out character names, and settings cues. This is the first time I’ve jumped in and sketched out the characters after. I had two whole chapters written before I had to commit to placeholder names for the sake of clarity.
With this in place, I’m planning to pause my writing to sketch out a summary from beginning to end that I can use to orient myself within the story and decide where to start. This intimidates me a bit because I’ve never sketched out a timeline from start to finish before. With Udal Cuain I was uncertain where the story was going in the end and it showed. This one has a definite ending.
Writing Music
I’m excited to have a writing playlist taking shape! Music is such a big inspiration for me. The music pulls ideas out of me and without good, expressive music my writing can be a bit flat. Currently, my favorite writing albums to pull from are Tomorrow X Together’s minisode 1: Blue Hour, The Name Chapter: Temptation, minisode 2: Thursday’s Child, Aespa’s Drama, Stray Kids’ Rockstar, Five Star, and No Easy.
How much TXT is on the list surprises me because I’m not a MOA or an avid listener more of a fringe TXT fan. There is something about the melodic nature of their songwriting that has made me happy and focused. SKZ is obvious, 3RACHA just gets me. Their creativity overflows from the music. Drama by Aespa is a sleeper. I didn’t like the new album upon release but it’s good for getting my creative juices flowing.
Goals by the End of 2023
Create a working timeline, with a clear start and finish.
Determine character names
Write a few more chapters, don’t lose momentum.
Be a diligent note-taker to keep the ideas flowing.
Whenever I am feeling a bit glum, I think of baking. I learned this from my Grandma. Her mom, who lost her parents at a young age and grew up quite poor would make herself “feel” rich by baking a cake.
I think this is such a sweet sentiment to hold because baking is something you can do with a little money or a lot of money. You can make something for yourself for a little pick me up or can brighten someone else’s day. It is shareable, communal, and made with love.
Baking is a moment of connection for me. A connection through the generations. So much about our present world is different from what it has been in the past, except for food. Food bridges those time gaps.
It even bridges distance and time. As I baked last Monday evening, on the other end of the phone my sister-in-law had just finished baking her own cookies and was making dinner. It was like we were together in a shared experience.
Mixing, resting, rolling. The process of rolling the dough to a thin layer, dunking the shaped cutter in flour, and pressing a new image into the dough was timeless. I could have been four or fourteen or thirty and made these cookies with my mom. We always did every year, every Christmas time. I sent her pictures of the cookies and we reminisced about years past.
The dough, the cookie dough reminds me of meals at Eat’n Park and their free smiley cookies. It’s childhood, cozy in a bite. It makes me feel rich in memories and moments spent with people I love.
Baking is my cozy corner of retreat, cut-out cookies my warm fuzzy blanket. I think that is what makes The Great British Bake Off irresistible. What a wonderful place of solace in a gloomy world.
Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. I wish you love and comfort wherever you are.
How late in the month is too late to make it count? Today, on the second to last day of the month I got a brain wave and have two chapters in a rough draft! I don’t want to give too much away because it’s early in the process. I’m ecstatic though! I was beginning to think Udal Cuain was a fluke and another idea would not come my way. Making lemonade from lemons, that’s the inspiration at least.
If you celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. If you don’t celebrate I hope you had a great weekend. I got some solid advice this weekend that I think catapulted this process forward. I was at my mom’s and met up with a former professor from my college. He’s become a family friend over the years which is cool because he was one of my favorite professors.
I was showing him what I was getting up to with sewing and knitting, sharing my design journey, and he asked me if I was planning to sell my creations. I was honest and shared that when I think about taking the leap to sell online or in person, I am filled with doubt that my items are good enough to sell. All I can see are the mistakes instead of listening to feedback from others that they would be interested in purchasing. He considered this and replied that the difference between a published dissertation and a perfect dissertation is that one is completed. It may not be perfect but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value. When we get stuck in the loop of perfection, we may never move forward to the next step.
This echoed advice I received from a random stranger who is also a writer, earlier in November. That staying organized with the writing process is less important than just getting started. I can’t write a book unless I get the ideas down on paper, no matter how chaotic the first draft is. She encouraged me to just write and edit it later but to get the ideas out of my head. It gave me the motivation to begin an outline for a dress history research project that I’ve been working on here and there in November. This would be non-fiction, which I was fine pivoting my attention to, but I am stoked that I actually had an idea for a non-fiction project because I want to push myself to go all the way this time. To not get stuck in re-writes with Udal Cuain and abandon the project instead of pushing forward to publish it.
I feel a creative spark coming back! This month may not have gone to plan and that’s okay. I have two chapters and an outline for another project. I am truly pleased! What I have been reminded of through this process is how important people are to our lives, strangers and mentors alike, you never know what solid advice others have to share if you take the leap to reach out and connect.
One Rabbit Riot 