As I mentioned in The Rewards and Scars of Setting Healthy Boundaries, I am on a journey to let go of the cortisol and tension I have unknowingly stored in my body. I didn’t realize I was doing this, possibly for decades now, because I don’t feel my feelings I bury them, which I’m working on. The only time I think I wasn’t doing this was during my sophomore and junior years in college when I was doing yoga practice, deep breathing, and trying to get to know myself. Which sounds odd, but was a great way to get through a broken heart.
Emotional Unintelligence
The hows and whys of the broken heart are a bit complicated but I was muddling through the after-effects of a situation ship. Why a situation ship? Well, I believe I was doing anything and everything to feel something, because I buried the heartbreak I felt at the end of high school, realizing my dad had missed my entire childhood and turning 18 meant that child support, the only string connecting us was severed. I didn’t know where he was and if I would see him again. It turns out I did see him again and would be moving to the same town as him five years later, another story for another day. Life is wild.
Anyways, coming out of high school the weight of that broken heart was so much I didn’t know what to do with it. There was so much emotion, so much tension and confusion, in my mind and body that I didn’t understand so my brain freaked out and gave me my first taste of anxiety, depression, and panic. It was a lot. During this time I also lost my ability to cry. I went totally numb which was unnerving, but at the time I was happy at least I wasn’t overwhelmed by my emotions anymore. The downside was that I felt nothing.
I’m Chuck Bass
I didn’t like that. I’m a highly sensitive person, an artistic soul, and feeling is how I understand the world around me. I wanted to feel like myself again. Here’s where the mess began – I decided to go into dating in college in this incredibly unhealthy mindset. These casual relationships were doomed from the start. It couldn’t grow into something real because I wasn’t emotionally available. Which opened the door for the worst relationship type in my opinion the situationship. It was the exact opposite of what my personality needs or wants but hey, I couldn’t feel anything so how hurt could I get?
Blown Up Life
Yeah, this blew up in my face. Once I came out of this situationship and this time of emotional numbness, I realized that I had completely blown up my life. Close relationships that I had from high school were not there. I had not invested in good friendships and community in my college life either by not seeking it out or ditching out on friends who could have been healthy supportive people, because I was scared of these friendships. It was a mess. I was so lonely. I had to get to know myself because there was no one else. I also didn’t know myself anymore. Who was this numb person I had been? Who is this new person who feels, but also feels lost and lonely?
There was so much I needed to understand about myself before I could be a good friend again or try dating once more. I didn’t know where I was going, or who I wanted to be as an adult. There was so much change in a short time. It was time to pause, slow down, and spend time doing the work to find this new person within the closed-off shell.
Meeting A Healthier Me
During this time I became independent for the time. I started going to the coffee shop by myself and learned to be okay on my own, which was wild. This is a skill I’ve forgotten how to do. I let myself be alone with my thoughts, it was a rough road to get there. This time alone started with a season of insomnia, where there was no choice but to be by myself, and now I realize spent time alone with God even though I wasn’t focused on this at the time. I discovered new shows like Fruits Basket, Trigun, Firefly, and Vikings. I also began thinking seriously about what I wanted in life with this new scenario. I didn’t end up going to fashion school or doing the Fashion Business major I was supposed to create with my advisor. I found myself drawn to fashion history through the creative sandbox of one cool professor who gave us the freedom to explore our interests.
I also started doing yoga and learning to train my mind and my breathing to keep going when my body and mind were tangled up in knots from the stress and trauma of life. It was the first time I think I was doing exercise for exercise itself not for a job like paint crew or campus mail delivery for the mailroom, which were both pretty physical. My campus was old and full of hills and stairs, so many stairs.
2020s Version of Numb
As life goes on, things repeat. Life changed again and I got busy. I stopped practicing these healthy habits into post-grad and getting married which was dumb on my part. I got healthier but I don’t think I got wiser. So I find myself now relearning how to find healthy balance and healthy habits to rid myself of the tension and wild mind that has trapped me in a prison of my own making.
How do I find my way out? My plan is to reflect and discuss that process here as I go through this journey of self-discovery again because I think this is something we all face and I wish I had known more about emotional health when I was younger. There are a lot of things that kept that from being something I understood. We don’t always have the most emotionally mature parents and I think it’s hard to talk about. I hope you’ll join me on this little adventure.
We did something incredibly comforting this past weekend that gave us both a small delight. We went apple picking at our favorite orchard – Heagy’s Orchard in Northwestern Pennsylvania. It was the first time going back in four years and everything felt shinier, and happier, like the slump of the 2020s had shed and the area we used to haunt had come back to life, and so did I.
The interesting thing is I think now we instinctively felt like it was apple season at Heagy’s Orchard because these photos were taken on the same weekend, years apart, picking the same varieties of apples. None of it was planned. The pictures of my husband in the yellow plaid are from our first fall in Meadville in 2019, taken on Sept 5. The ones of me in a flannel and him in a hoodie are from Sept 7, 2020. And the first grouping, above, is from this past weekend, Sept 7, 2024.
How weird is that? I didn’t know we had a family tradition, him and I, but apparently we do and it was special to go back after such a long hiatus. Leaving Meadville-Erie area, a place that became home to us both after feeling like nowhere was home no matter how far we moved or how hard we tried in familiar places, was such a relief. Having to leave our home under the unfortunate circumstances of a dangerous living situation sucked.
It was frustrating that it was because drug dealers moved into the bottom unit of the house we were renting, with a considerable amount of domestic violence going on with them too, and the police doing little to nothing about it, which was despicable! There was so much pain and suffering in that situation. It only got worse when it became a squatting situation, the air was tense, and there was a gun. Not something you want to mess with. But not being able to fix the situation was a heartbreak that I shoved down in a box, to be left until I was ready.
Our new neighborhood in our new town where we lived from 2021 to the beginning of 2024, was like a high-strung Bailey Downs from Orphan Black, it never felt like home and so I had to keep that box shut and therefore couldn’t go to Erie or Meadville without feeling this rogue frustration, that until I returned there this past weekend, I couldn’t figure out why I was so frustrated and scared of the big emotion, But now I understand, it was a lack of acceptance compounded with the confusion of the dumpster fire that was 2020.
It was a lot of change in quick succession and my neurodivergent brain didn’t know what to do with in the moment, so I shut down. I was afraid I made a mistake leaving although I felt isolated and lonely after 2020, moving closer to family felt like oxygen. I’m glad in buying a house we are still able to go back up to the Meadville and Erie areas, because I realized I’m not done with that area, I just needed to be done with that living situation, and in turn, I really needed to get out of that suburban hell I fled to afterward to go back and see the place that made me feel home again.
The nature is just too pretty to be away from it for too long. There are these incredible ridges that stretch out in every direction. Fields, forests, creeks, ponds, marshes, and the closer you get to the lake it gets flatter until the big blue horizon meets you. It’s incredible. Is there a place or a tradition that helped you feel at home again after going through a tough time?
There’s been this WhatsApp advertisement that has been popping up everywhere on my radar that just irks me a bit, well it’s starting to a lot the more I see it. On the surface, it seems like a harmless payday for the former stars of Modern Family to reprise their roles for a quick ad about a family group chat. But the more I watch the more I dissect in my mind and the story has a wild thesis that reflects life.
If you haven’t seen this ad, it has two stories one follows Phil Dunphy switching to an Android phone which destroys the Dunphy family group chat, the one lifeline they have to keep the relationship with adult kids alive, and as a result, everything is ruined until, they discover WhatsApp and the kids magically start talking to their parents again.
The second story features Mitch switching to an Android phone which causes Cam, Phil, and Claire to create a group chat without Mitch because his non-Apple phone is turning the chat green and not allowing them to use all the in-messaging features of their iPhones. Mitch is hurt and it is clearly played off as no big deal. WhatsApp saves the day as Mitch is brought back into the group before getting a new phone to communicate with his family.
Isn’t this wild? Like who would do that to their family members? Wait, this reminds me of being added to so many WhatsApp group chats instead of texting because I was one of the two Android phone people on my Dad’s side of the family. I thought it was so weird that we couldn’t just text…and that my brother with the Android was the only one who texted back. Oh my, it is like life.
Now weird family baggage aside, isn’t this a bizarre concept for an ad? Like in these days of hyper-division and our individualist culture, why are we creating a justification, even in jest, that it is okay to exclude a loved one from a group chat because a person chose one phone developer over another? That’s super weird. Especially for a communication app, it’s a bit crap to be honest.
Consumerism rearing its ugly head once again, is not a surprise, but can it leave our already lonely, friendship recession American culture alone? I get Meta wants to push their product and that Apple likes to promote exclusivity in their marketing but dang, this ad just bugs me. Especially with the addition of the characters of Modern Family, like, I’m sure the marketing team wasn’t thinking this deeply, but it feels like an unintentional commentary on society. Like is this the actual “modern family” in 2024 and if so can we turn this car around?
I sure hope not, but there are a lot of lonely people out there who are not being loved and cared for the way that they should be and as a culture, I think we need more connection, more ways to be a part of something. I know this is just a silly advertisement that will be done and forgotten in a few months, but what about the sentiment of division in the US? It’s not getting any better here, the events of July 13, 2024, certainly show that. And in Butler, PA, no less, not too far from here. That was eye-opening to see how the hate that is steeping under the surface is in all communities, even mine. It’s a problem we all need to take seriously.
People are getting less connected all the time, and I believe it is leaving us vulnerable to hurt, feelings of bitterness, and going through life not being able to live with purpose and love. We were created to be part of a community. We need friends, loved ones, and unconditional love. All this technology and consumerism is just creating more barriers to true connection and feelings of belonging than the ways that they improve our lives. Technology does make life easier, but it’s a toss-up for me if my life is truly that much better because I have a Samsung phone, and a Chromebook, and AI exists. You know what I mean?
I’m grateful for those moments with real people that happen offline. Like laughing so hard at a TV show with Kyle that our stomachs actually hurt. Sitting around a fire at a family friend’s house, watching a sunset and making smores and mountain pies in the fire, where time feels like it literally is standing still and I could be in 2024 or 2004. I think that’s what we need more of.
We need more people. More moments that bring joy, warmth, and memories. More core memories with people, connecting points, it doesn’t have to be special or expensive, just meaningful to you and your people.
In Portal 2, Cave Johnson has an iconic rant about lemons that may have been the inspiration for my Saturday plan – to make dairy-free lemon curd from scratch.
To clarify, no lemons were exploded. But they were zested, juiced, and combined into a luscious lemon sauce and baked into lemon bars. Tart, sweet, buttery, lemon bars.
“All right, I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man whose gonna burn your house down – with the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”
-Cave Johnson, Aperture Laboratories
But why did Cave Johnson speak so deeply to my mood on Saturday morning, one of the best times of the week? Well my dysfunctional family, of course. Communication is truly an art form, and for some relationships, healthy communication seems as easy as replicating a Michelangelo masterpiece with a butter knife. I am a member of that club. I feel like sometimes a conversation with my mom is doomed from the start. I call her and there is something in the air. A mistaken tone she finds in me, a lack of matching her extroverted, neurotypical energy.
The inability to recognize drama or harshness in her tone. My anxiety and frustration at being accosted by questions, picking remarks, or in general still not living up to whatever I was supposed to. It’s a mess, a mess that continues to respawn after numerous attempts to get rid of this and live a drama-free life with the mom that I do deeply love even if sometimes I get exasperated at her. This was one of those conversations, I did something and the verbal missiles were locking on me, which was really disappointing because it was supposed to be a simple conversation – what time are you coming up to celebrate my husband’s birthday?
Instead, there was chaos, my confusion at why there was chaos with questions followed by accusations of trying to fight and being told I was being a problem, gaslit into the aggressor when I held my temper in check and just asked questions. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I was being baited into a fight and it sucked. It was a conversational sucker punch. Some weeks I don’t even want to pick up the phone, I yearn to move far away from the possibility of hanging out with her, because I just want to be loved not picked at. Being lonely but happy feels better than being close and miserable. I feel like she brings all the drama-ma-ma-ma-ma and then runs away from me after her work is done.
In the screaming silence that followed the nasty encounter, I felt confusion, anger, hurt, sadness, failure, shame, disappointment, a building pressure of anxiety and depression, and the complex childhood trauma memories flooding back of her gaslighting me into thinking I was a kid with an un-teachable spirit, a stubborn child who spirit needed to be broken because seeing things differently from her was a sin.
I feel sorry for my mom because none of those things are true, and keeping me at arm’s length hurts both of us. We only have so much time on this earth, wouldn’t it be better to be laughing instead of arguing, smiling instead of crying?
I’ve learned there is nothing wrong with me. I’m neuro-divergent and God made me this way for a reason. There is beauty in being different, but she can’t see that. She sees me as difficult, and I in turn see her as small-minded.
Recently, I’ve turned to baking when I feel down in the dumps. For a while, baking was quite painful for me, after Grandma passed away in 2020. She was the one who taught me how to bake and that void made baking a chore. Since watching the Great British Bake Off, I’ve found my baking delight once again. We had a bunch of lemons on hand for a separate recipe, and since the rest needed to be used, I decided to make something I’d never made from scratch before. Lemon curd.
They make it on Bake-Off and I used to love eating lemon bars and lemon meringue pie as a kid, it was Papa’s favorite pie. We had it each year on his birthday. It was the bomb. The tart, lemony sharpness of the filling with the pillowy sweet clouds of meringue on top, slightly browned like a marshmallow with a flakey crust. Scrumptious.
Fun fact: My grandma dressed, acted, and looked a lot like Mary Berry. Watching Bake Off is like a hug.
And you know what, baking helped. I felt the tension melt from my shoulders as I zested the lemons and squeezed the juice into the bowl. The delicacy of separating yolks from egg whites required me to slow down, to breathe through the emotional stress. I made a cup of herbal tea and began work on the sugar and butter. After combining it came time to use the bain-marie to slowly temper the eggs and cook until thickened. The result was a dreamy curd that I was hoping for!
Out of pain, something beautiful came, and the next day I made shortbread for the lemon bars and layered the golden yellow lemon sauce into the pan for a delight I hadn’t had since childhood. Next time we’ll make that lemon meringue pie.
I’m glad I’ve learned coping mechanisms like baking, cleaning, stimming, etc so that I am not tempted to rage at my mom, clench my jaw, get drunk, or go on a shopping spree to fill the pain with stuff. It’s been a journey but through my tumultuous twenties, I learned that the dysfunction is never going away but who I am and how I respond to it are not beholden to other people and their poor behavior. And that is true freedom.
Have you ever made lemon curd? Do you like lemon meringue pie or lemon bars? What’s your go-to way to calm down after a stressful encounter? Thank you, dear reader, for coming along on this blogging journey with me. I’m incredibly thankful for you.
This year has been weird, weird because I tried something new. I took a step back and let something that had felt out of my control for years be out of my control. I stopped pushing, trying, fighting, and shape-shifting. Instead, I waited. I took my hands off of my relationship with my mom and submitted it to God. I was at rock bottom, our relationship hit an all-time low in January. We were no longer Rory and Lorelai, we were Emily and Lorelai careening towards Emily and Gran. Things were bad. Our communication was broken, and both of us seemed to be unbothered by the problems, allowing it to be the status quo. For just shy of a decade our relationship had been in a bad place. My life took a wrong turn when I was in college and never righted its course. We were no longer pals, but secretive enemies.
I thought this was the final destination for our relationship. I was not hopeful. I put it down and left it. For months I barely spoke to my mom. For six months we did not see each other. It was the longest break we ever took. Even when I moved 14 hours away, we saw each other within 5 months. The distance was too far. This year it felt like I lived on the other side of the world. It pushed me to be still to process what I was doing wrong and to realize what I wished our relationship could be like.
When my mom had surgery this summer, the thought of a complication taking her away woke me up out of this experiment in distance. I visited her and it was strained, but doing a normal thing, like visiting your mom after surgery, seemed to bring a little normalcy back to our unbridled mess. As she recovered our relationship ebbed and flowed like tides. One day we’d be comfortable, warm, and friendly. The next it was cold, distant, irritating. I began to wonder if the small bit of hope was just that a small taste. That maybe it was what it was, and I needed to adjust my expectations. Could we get along in my adulthood? I was uncertain and began to think that maybe my mom was my best friend as a kid because I was young and different. Like my personality and needs have changed and that was how it was. I began to encourage myself to accept it, but I didn’t like it.
But then August and September came and something changed. They came to visit us, and we went to visit them. We stayed for the weekend and went to a familiar fall haunt, the Antiques in the Woods show in Ohio. I had fun, I remembered the past times we had together at this event, and I met a friend of my mom and grandma’s who told me how much they loved my mom. They told me stories of moments I missed over the past decade when I was not interested in spending time with my mom and painted a portrait I hadn’t seen in a while. They reminded me of who my mom could be and why I was always so proud to have her be my chaperone on school trips or invite friends over to my house because my mom can be really cool and a sweetheart. All the baggage of grief, growing pains, family fights, moves, it had all clouded my vision. I was seeing through the eyes of pain and past, I wasn’t seeing her in real-time.
We hung out with them again recently and went to Erie Bluffs State Park. I remembered how much I loved traveling with my mom. When the trip began my plan was to show her Erie in hopes that she would like a place I was considering moving to, but instead, I felt this pull to not leave again. I felt this peace to remain where I am and be comfortable in the familiar and close proximity to home. To not be afraid of staying close to home and not be scared or ashamed of my roots. I’ve learned a lot this year and I feel immense gratitude for the process of how I learned because if I had not fully walked away, my eyes may have stayed clouded in the lens of the past instead of looking toward the future and appreciating what is right in front of me. My Lorelai to my Rory, my home that still remains, the ideal mom-dad-dog-plus a husband that fits like a missing puzzle piece, the family I always wanted. I just needed to wait and be open to things getting better.
Will we probably fight again? Oh most definitely, but have I learned you can repair what is broken. Yes. And that is what I am grateful for. That might be the most important life lesson because it teaches resiliency.
It’s funny how the Christian life works, as you grow in your faith and your dependency on God to lead you, life does fall into place because you have the peace of being in the center of God’s will for your life, but life also becomes more complex. Especially when the enemy is determined to knock you down into the pit of discouragement.
The last few weeks have been odd, as I mentioned before in #23 – Neon Shoes & Sichuan Peppercorn, I’ve been feeling a bit off. Mother’s Day reminds me of my miscarriage and the ever-growing complexities in my relationship with my mom. Little waves of sadness lapped at my shore, I can handle that, but the big one, a towering wave of anxious thoughts came from the weird qualifications of renewing my lease. In the past renewing leases has been quite simple, in my previous apartment in Meadville, we simply told them our intention of staying in a note with our rent check and they made us sign a new lease one time, the next we didn’t have a written lease at all.
In our current place, we have renewed once already, and that was a simple process last year. They came, we signed and they asked if we would be interested in buying the place if they sold it. No big deal. This year, there were changes. Communication has been a bit awkward for me with the landlord because of some neighborhood dynamics. Here’s what happened.
Mean Girls Don’t Grow Up
Last summer, a very nosy and gossipy neighbor, who claims to be best friends with our landlords, began letting her dog poop in our vegetable garden. When I tried discussing it she became more and more aggressive. Eventually, when I returned her dog who had wandered into our garage, the neighbor and her 18-year-old daughter screamed at me in front of the whole neighborhood. They told me no one wanted me here, everyone hated me, that my landlords were going to evict me, and basically I should go into my house and never come out again because I was a worthless human being. When I said, “You can’t speak to me like this,” the daughter haughtily confirmed that they can and will bully me and that I should just take it and shut up.
Another neighbor, who lives on the other side literally went to get help when she saw the bullies screaming at me because she thought they were going to hit me. It was so Jersey Shore. In true Mike “The Situation” fashion, when he knocked his own head into a wall, the bullies flailing in anger, escorted themselves back into their house with gnashing of teeth, when I firmly stood my ground by not answering back but not leaving. I just looked at them. The houses are very close here, so needless to say it has been an awkward year living next to people who hate you. We haven’t spoken since.
And so, I’ve been nervous in all interactions with my landlords since, because what if the bullies tainted my reputation with my landlords. What if it was true and they all wanted me gone. It’s dumb, but those insecurities took root in my head. Probably because it has happened before, with my own family. Everyone ganged up on me and essentially kicked me out of my family for standing up to the bullies within the family. What if it was happening again? Anxiety rose up into a building sea. I was a ball of nerves when I asked about renewing the lease, and the wave grew higher when my landlord required a walkthrough to sign the lease. A walkthrough? For what cause? My mind began to question if they didn’t trust us anymore? What if they were looking for a reason to kick us out? The what-ifs grew and grew!
My mind went through preparing for the worst, searching for places, cleaning every nook and cranny, and reading the Bible for hope in the midst of confusion. I asked close friends to pray for God’s direction in this time, of what felt like a testing ground. I knew could simply leave and start a new chapter, that became clear but it didn’t feel like it was what God was leading me towards. I felt as though if I took the easy way out and found a new place, I would be missing out God on teaching me something. I prayed and leaned on Him to unwind those knots in my mind from betrayal and past hurt to believe that even in the midst of uncertainty He is holding me in the palm of His hand.
He also taught me something painful, to forgive the bullies of my own family and my neighbors. I was resistant to this process, to say the least. All year long the grudge grew inside me against my neighbors until their general presence annoyed me. I was full of bitterness that was holding me back from the peace God wanted to give me. I held on to my anger like an idol and I was missing the point. If I had run to a new place, I would have missed the lesson of forgiveness, because when I finally submitted my anger to God and asked him to help me forgive my neighbors the darkness and fear I felt lifted. I even found myself feeling forgiveness for my family members that abandoned me. God provided everything I needed from the perspective to the understanding to be prepared for the walkthrough.
A Lesson from Hezekiah and Sennacherib
He clothed me in his peace and love so that I could walk confidently into the situation. The morning of the walkthrough I opened my Bible for my next reading and I noticed it was a familiar passage. Isaiah 36-37. In this passage, King Sennacherib from Assyria is threatening Jerusalem with destruction. He is essentially a big bully. He taunts not only the Israelites but God himself. Sennacherib tries to bait the people into putting their trust in him, instead of the power of God. In response, Hezekiah prays that God will rebuke the Assyrian king for his ridicule of God.
“Therefore pray for the remnant that still survives.” When King Hezekiah’s officials came to Isaiah,Isaiah said to them, “Tell your master, ‘This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid of what you have heard—those words with which the underlings of the king of Assyria have blasphemed me. Listen! When he hears a certain report, I will make him want to return to his own country, and there I will have him cut down with the sword.’”
Isaiah 37: 4-7
Like the big bully he is, Sennacherib is enraged to hear that Hezekiah will not back down and doubles down on his mockery of Hezekiah’s faith. Sennacherib doubles down on his threats in order to manipulate and intimidate the people of Israel so that they will question their faith in God for Sennacherib’s gain. How often do we see this in life? Politics and news outlets certainly use this tactic to get the people to align with the agenda, but also we do this to each other. And most importantly, in those moments of fear the enemy capitalizes on this strategy. If you don’t listen to the devil the first time, he’ll just yell louder. And that is what I felt as the walkthrough approached. Although I was seeking after God and learning how to forgive, if I lost my focus for a second on God, the enemy started coming for me. So the fact that I read Isaiah 36-37 the morning of the walkthrough was not a coincidence.
“Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it. Then he went up to the temple of the Lord and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayed to the Lord: “Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth. Give ear, Lord, and hear; open your eyes, Lord, and see; listen to all the words Sennacherib has sent to ridicule the living God. “It is true, Lord, that the Assyrian kings have laid waste all these peoples and their lands.They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed them, for they were not gods but only wood and stone, fashioned by human hands. Now, Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that you, Lord, are the only God.”
Isaiah 37:14-20
As the chapter continues, Sennacherib ignores the warnings from God, he is arrogant and full of hatred. His words spit fire and poison. He is used to getting his way and regales the Israelites with a list of his conquests. He claims that he is unable to lose, and claims that He is more powerful than God Almighty. Yeah, this is not going to be good for Sennacherib! But he sounds a lot like the world. He sounds like those structures in our society that claim more power, more authority over us than the Lord himself. They try to diminish the Lord’s power. I’ve even heard the Navy does this in the submarine program. They try to break the sailors who work in the subs, by telling them that under the water they are too far away from God to be in His presence. How sick is that?! Anyways. This is how God responds to human powers and their arrogance:
“Therefore this is what the Lord says concerning the king of Assyria: “He will not enter this city or shoot an arrow here. He will not come before it with shield or build a siege ramp against it. By the way that he came he will return; he will not enter this city,” declares the Lord. “I will defend this city and save it, for my sake and for the sake of David my servant!” Then the angel of the Lord went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning—there were all the dead bodies! So Sennacherib king of Assyria broke camp and withdrew. He returned to Nineveh and stayed there. One day, while he was worshiping in the temple of his god Nisrok, his sons Adrammelek and Sharezer killed him with the sword, and they escaped to the land of Ararat. And Esarhaddon his son succeeded him as king.”
Isaiah 37:33-38
I read this and felt this strange peace wash over me. I knew that it was going to be okay, I can’t explain why. I was still scared, like if I paused to think about the what-ifs of the walk-through – what if during the walkthrough my bully neighbors came outside and began bad-mouthing me? What if the landlords will make me answer for that? What if they gang up on me too? What if my landlords go through my stuff? The fear was still there; unless I focused on God. As I focused on God, I felt the mental clarity to move along with my day and had a very productive day instead of quivering in anxiety. Like Peter stepping out of the boat, as long as I looked at Jesus I could walk on the water, the minute I looked down I began to fall back into worry.
Unexpected Roofers
The time came. The clock showed 4pm. I waited for their car to drive up the street. Nothing. I checked my phone. Nothing. I looked again. They said they were running late – so odd for my normally punctual landlords. They arrived, wearing smiles, with greetings of friendly conversation. Just like I remembered them to be. This is where it gets interesting.
A few months ago tornado producing storms came through the region, damaging their roof. For weeks they waited for roofers to come with nothing to show for it. Except, that the roofers arrived exactly when God planned. Minutes before the landlords left their house to do our walkthrough an unexpected company of roofers arrived at 3:45pm on a Friday to start repairing the roof. The roofers were non-native English speakers, they were not able to converse with our landlords about how this was a bad time and set to work. Therefore our landlords were in a huge rush, they barely wanted to do the walkthrough! How incredible is that?! They stayed less than 10 minutes, I’m not joking. I barely had time to read through the lease, they were so anxious to get back home. The best part – none of my neighbors were home. None, which is unnatural for the time of day.
A peace that surpasses all understanding has washed over the neighborhood. I used to feel like I didn’t belong here like I couldn’t go outside without waiting for another verbal punch. I felt judged and unwanted. I don’t feel that way now. I know that God has provided a place for me. As long as this is where he has called me I shall not fear.
I don’t know how you explain that without God. He took every piece, every what -if and neutralized the fire. He did it his way and in doing so I learned a whole lot about the kind of God he is. I gained forgiveness, peace, and experience in weathering the storms of life. I also learned that bad things, although the pain can stay with us, are not bigger or more powerful than the provision of God. If God is in your corner, you don’t need anyone else to make things happen. You are not beholden to other people’s opinions, condemnation, or approval. How incredible is that?
One Rabbit Riot 