Whenever I am feeling a bit glum, I think of baking. I learned this from my Grandma. Her mom, who lost her parents at a young age and grew up quite poor would make herself “feel” rich by baking a cake.
I think this is such a sweet sentiment to hold because baking is something you can do with a little money or a lot of money. You can make something for yourself for a little pick me up or can brighten someone else’s day. It is shareable, communal, and made with love.
Baking is a moment of connection for me. A connection through the generations. So much about our present world is different from what it has been in the past, except for food. Food bridges those time gaps.
It even bridges distance and time. As I baked last Monday evening, on the other end of the phone my sister-in-law had just finished baking her own cookies and was making dinner. It was like we were together in a shared experience.
Mixing, resting, rolling. The process of rolling the dough to a thin layer, dunking the shaped cutter in flour, and pressing a new image into the dough was timeless. I could have been four or fourteen or thirty and made these cookies with my mom. We always did every year, every Christmas time. I sent her pictures of the cookies and we reminisced about years past.
The dough, the cookie dough reminds me of meals at Eat’n Park and their free smiley cookies. It’s childhood, cozy in a bite. It makes me feel rich in memories and moments spent with people I love.
Baking is my cozy corner of retreat, cut-out cookies my warm fuzzy blanket. I think that is what makes The Great British Bake Off irresistible. What a wonderful place of solace in a gloomy world.
Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. I wish you love and comfort wherever you are.
I like transparency and honesty, yet I have not been honest with myself this week. I have been a spiritual dark cloud with a disinterested heart towards reading my Bible and spending time each day with God. I have been running from Him, which has set me on a path of unrest and a posture that is lacking in self-care.
Neck Anxiety
Literally, my posture has been one of emotional unrest. My shoulders and neck are making me pay for it as I’ve let them get stuck in knots. Existing in the tension of my mind. The physical toll of anxious, spiraling thoughts is sometimes worse than the emotions. Because after it’s over, and my muscles relax I am left with the haunting sensation of sore, aching muscles that were unable to relax in the midst of my mind’s tumult.
This cloud of spiritual funk has left me in an anxious place worrying about things I’m not even sure I should be worrying about.
One man’s sermon should not be so destructive unless that is exactly what the enemy wants. I think I’ve been under attack for two weeks now, the anxiety I am holding in my neck certainly communicates a war in my mind.
Isn’t strange how we can be on top of the world one day and the next something knocks us down into despair. A melancholy that keeps us stagnant.
It reminds me of Elijah’s depression in 1 Kings 19.
Growth to Crisis
I’ve felt so on fire for God for months now. I’ve been stepping out in faith more, speaking out for the gospel, and ministering to my unbelieving friends with boldness. I have been tithing for the first time with consistency, and yet, even when we are doing all the right things tests come. Spiritual warfare comes. Confusion and chaos shake us like Elijah experienced after God defeated the prophets of Baal.
But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.
1 Kings 19:4-8 ESV
I’ve felt the temptation to be stagnant, or worse to regress back to a place where I am seeking my own will instead of God’s will. I know deep down nothing good would come of that choice. No blessings, no peace, no fruit.
I’ve been silent. Not praying, or looking for any quiet moments with God. I have been shying away from my usual routine of listening to worship music throughout the week, refusing to be fed, like Elijah refused to eat or drink and wished to wither away.
Chaos & Confusion
Sometimes the church has some bad witnesses and presents parts of the Bible in ways that feel more like man’s way than God’s holy way. I’ve decided to abandon the sermon series I’ve been listening to and run from this convoluted presentation of what heaven will be like and the reward system that God has. It has done nothing but cause chaos in my heart, to make me fearful of God’s judgment instead of running to the Heavenly Father with open arms.
My husband has been very patient with me, listening to my worries and my questions. He has been defeating the lies the enemy is trying to trap me in about who God is. He has reminded me that even strong believers go through times of struggle, and these weird time times can produce growth.
It doesn’t mean I am a failure.
As I am writing this I see now that the biggest way this funk has impacted me is the sense of isolation and shame.
I have kept this anxiety from everyone, including my close friends. I have felt ashamed to admit I’m struggling and have put myself in a bubble. As the week progressed I became more and more stuck in my own head. Insomnia and bad dreams have taken residence in my head. I’ve felt run down and not like myself.
Unlikely Gift
I now wonder if the mysterious squirrel or bat that was in our chimney was literally a blessing because it drove me into the welcoming hugs of my friends’ next door. The evening of the mysterious noises should have been terrible, but instead, I think now about how loved I felt. I think God brings those opportunities about to show us how loved and cared for we are, even when we are going through Spiritual growing pains.
God provided for David when David was being chased and brought his complaints to God.
God fed Elijah and cared for him even though Elijah was wishing for death.
God is good. He is bigger than our problems. He can handle our darkness. He wants to be our source of strength and I lost sight of that. I’m thankful God never loses sight of what is important and never gives up.
If you are struggling dear reader, I hope this will encourage you to keep going. You’re not a failure if you are having a bad week or a bad month. Sometimes we go through waves of emotions that are difficult to process and we need to be patient with ourselves. You are not alone.
I’ve found there is something serene about mending your own clothes. I find it almost a joy to launder the items and collect them in a pile for a day of slow, methodical stitches and problem solving. It makes the chaos of holes and rips into the calm of rejoined fabric and orderly hems. There is a satisfaction in fixing an item that was broken, making it as good as new. It reminds me that in life when the problems come, and there will be problems big and small, that it’s not over when trouble comes.
Like last night, when a scratching and rustling sound echoed from our chimney to the fireplace below. All I could picture was that scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when the squirrel terrorizes the living room, scurrying from table to chair, knocking things over and crawling on Clark.
Of course this happened after dark, naturally as it does, when the stores are closed and the exterminator or animal control would be closed. In a frenzy we grabbed a sheet of plywood from the wood shop and covered the hearth opening. I called my neighbor, who has become like framily (friend-family) to me. They shared advice from their own experience with critters in their house, wrapped me in a hug and calmed me down with some good laughs. When I came back home, although the bat or squirrel or whatever it is, may still be on the other side that plywood I felt okay.
Having caring and friends who love and support you is the mending thread of our lives when things get weird.
Seams and a New Gadget
Today’s mending agenda consisted of re-attaching a missed seam on a pair of underwear I bought from a big brand, the pieces of fabric were connected across the seat seam with a serger aka overlocking machine and it either ripped the fabric which dislodged it from the seam or the pieces did not get sewn together in the first place. I have a love-hate relationship with the practice of serging ends and seams. I know it saves time and uses less fabric to finish seams but dang, they tend to unravel like nothing else. So, is it really better? I’m not sure. But that’s my opinion.
I’m doing a repair on a tank that I made from a burnt orange knit fabric. I made an unwise decision to take it in at the armhole which made the fit around the bust odd. It’s pulling and the stitches are placing too much stress on the knit fabric, which I saw the aftermath of while unpicking the stitches that made the armhole smaller. There were some big rips! Now the underside of each armhole looks like it was chewed up. Which to honest made me feel a bit stressed out because I enjoy wearing this piece and I don’t have any more fabric to patch the whole with. Thankfully my new gadget made this process of closing each rip easier – the palm thimble!
As I mentioned before in #21 – Sewing When I Lost the Love For It I have developed tendinitis in the knuckle of my middle finger of my sewing hand. This is what drove me to stop hand sewing in general and get used to using my Heavy Duty Singer machine. But alas, there are still times when you need to sew by hand like when inserting a zipper, mending rips and holes in fabric, and button and buttonhole insertion. I ran into this problem whilst completing this vest for my father-in-law. Just a few hours of hand sewing these buttons and button holes, awaken my injury and my knuckle was not happy. It’s made hand sewing a bit tense for me because what if it keeps getting worse? I love doing this, I don’t want to stop making things or knitting.
But, I was browsing my Instagram feed a few days later and behold a creator I follow named Geri In Stitches was sporting an intriguing accessory – the Sashiko thimble by which she pushed the needles through the fabric with her palm instead of putting stress on her finger. I used mine today for mending and it was a completely difference experience! My finger is not in pain, the knuckle is not inflamed or swollen. It worked! I’m over the moon excited about it.
Taking in Garments
Along with mending today, I also took in three pairs of shorts that were just draped to the point of looking silly. It’s an interesting feeling when I have to take items in because there is that feeling of, dang, now I have to fix something that wasn’t even broken just for the right fit. And there is also a feeling of accomplishment because I have been getting healthier.
I’m tackling my inflammation from food allergy and stress, toning up through interval training sessions, and making healthier choices that is helping me slim down a bit. I went through a decade of gaining weight and not understanding why I couldn’t lose it. It was frustrating and discouraging to feel so out of control. If only I had the wisdom to see how much the mind and the body are connected. The food allergy was giving my body anxiety and inflammation, making it difficult to maintain let alone get in better shape. Mind was so foggy from the stress and emotions of that time period that I didn’t want to take care of myself because I thought – what is the point?
When I have the opportunity to do these alterations, it’s this little moment of progress without having to weigh myself on a scale which is my ultimate trigger into a unhealthy spiral, but also to feel this moment of this will be an easy sewing project today. The item is already completed, and well loved. It’s relaxing compared to garment construction when I can still screw things up.
Later on today, I have another round of alterations, replacing a waistband tie on a pair of shorts and adjusting the fit on another pair of shorts. And then it will be time to put my thimble away and leave process for the next time. But with each wear I will remember the time and love put into these clothes to keep them in good order. A well loved closet.
Do you mend your own clothes? Have you ever taken a garment to be altered or do you just make it work? Before learning to sew, I would just accept my fate if items broke or stopped fitting. It’s a freeing feeling to not be stuck in letting the clothes decide for you. I’d recommend giving it a try or finding someone who can help you with their own sewing skills. It truly makes a difference.
For a week, I decided to do something a little different with my Bible reading. Instead of reading a chapter or two, from whatever book I happened to be studying at the time, I’ve been reading, slowly, methodically over the first 40 verses of Psalm 119. If you’re not familiar with this passage, Psalm 119 has a unique structure. It is 176 verses in length that are divided into 16 sections, each section is named for a letter in the Hebrew alphabet. It’s not a quick read! And usually, I don’t approach this reading with enough attention. My usual posture is to power through its length, but this time I wanted to get a bit more knowledge out of it. The idea was to push my mind to get acquainted with the text and the wisdom of the lines of the page.
Because to be honest, this chapter is dense with words, imagery, and lessons. The sentence structure of the ancient Hebrews is tricky, I read the words in the wrong order and sometimes miss the point of what I am reading. So either I can get discouraged by the intricacy of studying this section of the Bible or I change my approach. I chose to expand my idea of what my time studying the Bible looks like, as an experiment to see if meditating on the words, is as important as they say.
Restful Reading
After my interval training workouts, I like to cool down by laying on my yoga mat with my legs and feet up against a wall. The feeling of my back realigning while the lymphatic draining, makes me feel leaner, and the posture of lying on my back staring at the ceiling provides a moment of total relaxation after pushing my muscles. It is something I look forward to. Sometimes I push myself to workout, just to do this part. Usually during my legs against the wall session, I’ll watch a Youtube video or possibly a music video, something that will excite my mind with stunning visuals or thought-provoking content, usually about fashion history.
But what about those seasons of dryness? I’ve been in a three-week slump of a spiritual desert. I want to dig into the Word, stay focused on the Lord, and be prayerful throughout my day. I have not been. I’ve been leaning into distractions, into music, video games, etc. So I decided to challenge myself during a rest on my yoga mat, to leave my phone on my dresser, and pray. To be completely alone with God, and dwell in His presence instead of distractions. With a rapid-fire list of K-Pop songs swirling in my head, I asked God to help me focus on Him and Him alone. I wanted the ability to shut out all distractions.
My internal playlist went from 11 into a whisper, then silence. Like a volume dial turned by His hand.
The next day, I missed my workout but I was craving some downtime. After my shower, in the quiet of the evening light, I spread out my yoga mat on the wood floor and extended my hand out towards my bed, to my Bible. I asked the Lord to guide me, what should I be focusing on tonight? What would you like me to learn about you? I felt a pull towards the Psalms, instead of my current place in Isaiah. To Psalm 119. Not a psalm I gravitate towards, a marathon more than a read to me.
I was thinking about the way in which Biblical scholars read the Bible, and how the Israelite men used to study the scriptures in the temple schools. The slow recitation of the scriptures, a wandering path through the wisdom instead of a sprint, in order to store the word of God in their hearts and minds.
Scripture Stored in My Heart
Although I’ve been reading the Bible a lot more since 2020, I do not have the scriptures memorized. A few verses here and there from Sunday School and Christian education, but not a backlog of wisdom to pull from in moments when encouragement is needed. I’m disappointed in myself for how little attention I’ve had to studying and memorizing so that it is in my heart. So many other useless things I carry around in my mind like quotes that make me laugh or lyrics to entertain me but, none of these sustain me.
I felt quite convicted by this. I like to put 100% into what I do, for the glory of God. I’m a passionate person. Understanding that in reality, I am not as passionate about learning scripture as I would profess. Because if I was, I would be doing it. Seeing the reflection of who I really am and what my priorities look like, can only be from God, but also was a harsh reality of how much spiritual maturity is still out there waiting to be acquired. If I only give it my full attention. That’s the tough part. It requires discipline, focus, and drive. This world is waiting with bated breath to keep us as distracted and far from God as possible. We have to push back the distractions with our own free will to seek God and seek His will in our lives.
The Start of Something New
Fully convicted and invigorated for change, I opened my Bible to Psalm 119. I asked the Lord to help me only focus on Him and to learn what He would like to teach me through this time with Him. I began to read slowly, line by line. Slowly, line by line, reading, considering, pondering the meaning and significance of each line.
א Aleph Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are those who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart— they do no wrong but follow his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.
Psalm 119:1-8 NIV
The lines hit me differently. In a fashion, I can only describe as meditating on the word with the Lord. Some words jumped off the page, and others carried more weight than they had before. It was a remarkable time of fellowship with God. I’ve now read this first section, at least six times over the course of a week. Each time slowly, with time to ponder how this wisdom applies to my life and the world I exist in. I plan to discuss more of what God has been teaching me as I read through Psalm 119. Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. ❤
One Rabbit Riot 