Tag: prayer

Beauty Advent Calendars and the Gift of Prayer

Advent calendars are becoming a strange phenomenon. When I was a kid, I knew Advent as the thing that happened on Sunday morning in more formal churches, like the ornate Presbyterian church in town, compared to the less formal Alliance church I went to, which had a gymnasium/sanctuary. A wreath would appear the Sunday, four weeks before Christmas, and a series of candles were lit in purple and pink, until Christmas Eve when the white candle was lit. There was scripture reading, as we looked forward to the coming of Jesus, by recalling the moments throughout the Bible pointing to his birth. It was a time of preparation and reflection on the deeper meaning of Christmas in the Christian context. I didn’t grow up with an advent wreath at home but I thought they were fascinating. I was more familiar with those small, wooden, or felt Christmas calendars that involved opening a door or moving a little trinket to a new pocket each day.

The term Advent calendar now has a different image in my mind. I can probably thank Alexandria Ryan’s Beauty Advent Calendar unboxings for this. I think of small samples, expired makeup, Augustinus Badder’s ‘The Rich Cream’, and Charlotte Tilbury. Now I should explain before this makes her channel sound posh and out of touch. I found her channel many years ago, I believe in 2017, as a makeup subscription box unboxing channel. Since then, it has evolved into a channel with ‘advent season’ that usually wraps up in spring or summer. She purchases beauty and snack advent calendars and opens them to see if they are worth the money by comparing the cost of the box with the total value of the items inside.

It’s a lot of math! For most calendars, it is a lot of samples and Ali-Express private-label junk being sold as exclusive items. It all started back in 2019 with the Sephora Holiday Advent Calendar, which was so poor quality, that she recreated the items from the Dollar Store. This led to an annual Sephora Advent Calendar tradition and grew to Advent calendar season each year. Including Halloween Advent calendars, which are now a thing for companies to sell. The word Advent is slowly changing in meaning from a particular Biblical preparation process to a countdown to Christmas Day to a catch-all seasonless countdown mystery box that can be 12 days(for the twelve days of Christmas)-24 days-25 days or even a 7-day after-advent calendar for the week after Christmas, to a free-form countdown signifying word which correlates to opening a box of mystery items from themed packaging. Instead of being opened daily, most of these are opened all at once and are treated as a good deal, a content generator, or a gift people give themselves or others. It’s far from the chocolate Advent calendars of childhood, it’s a whole cross-section of the consumer market now with Advent calendars that will hold anything and everything, for humans and pets alike.

Now, I’m not here to discuss this from a Biblical point of view, because Advent is not a tradition pulled directly from the Bible like communion, Passover, or baptism, it’s something the church began doing and traditions vary. The date of the celebration of Christmas varies between Orthodox and Catholic/Protestant calendars. Jesus was not born in December, it’s all cultural and has been adapted from European solstice and winter festivals, so it’s not a big deal to me. This is more of a fascination I have with humans and the way we imagine whole new things in such a short amount of time. Our culture of Advent calendars changed rapidly within 5 years! I don’t remember them being such a cultural fixation until a few years ago. Now every store and every company seems to have an Advent calendar that they are ready to sell you!

I believe this happened because we were looking for something to make sense of those weird holidays at the beginning of the decade, combined with late-stage capitalism and hyper-consumption, and boom – it’s a perfect storm for the boxes upon boxes of tiny things being offloaded into these boxes for a hefty price. It’s a way for companies to make a quick buck, offload products they need to sell but won’t move, or rip off customers by filling their calendars with useless junk – like the 2024 VIB Reward Advent Calendar from Sephora.

Even the word calendar is changing with this phenomenon, what is a calendar? Is it a way to track the time and year, by seeing a month at a time until twelve months have passed? Is it a box with doors that contain presents? How many doors equal a calendar? What separates this from a mystery box? Is it simply the doors, the numbers, and the packaging? Does it have to be tied to a holiday at all? Just like Advent in concept is changing so is the meaning of calendar and it’s interesting to me that as humans we do this and we do this so seamlessly? Language is such a curious medium. I can see through this process how words shift in meaning, dialects are formed, and why communicating with someone in the past or future speaking the same technical language as me would be quite difficult.

But what about Advent calendars without the products? Do they still exist and are they fun? I did an Advent calendar this year, the first time I’ve ever had my own. It was a 24-day Advent calendar, that I received in the mail from Prison Fellowship, and was a 24-day of prayer Advent calendar. It was completely free. I didn’t know I was being sent this item until it showed up in my mailbox a few days before Thanksgiving. There were no items to receive each day, just a scripture reading and a prayer. The prayer requests covered the varied needs of their ministry – those who are incarcerated, their families, the corrections officers, the children of those incarcerated, the ministry team of Prison Fellowship, people like me who donate, the communities and churches across the nation so that we can all work in synergy to be prepared and ready to serve God through our part in this mission.

What I appreciated the most about this calendar was how it felt interwoven, it covered needs at all levels. For example, over the 24 days, I prayed for those who were incarcerated who come to Prison Fellowship events and those who haven’t. I prayed for comfort in the isolation of being incarcerated, especially during the holidays when the incarceration process removes you from all connections, not to mention the pain caused by the action that led to incarceration. It is a time of pain for prisoners, their families, and friends. I prayed for the ministry of Angel Tree, the children of prisoners and families of prisoners, for comfort and reconciliation, and spiritual redemption. I prayed for churches and communities, as well as prisons and corrections officers to all work as one to facilitate the redemptive work of God in these communities inside and outside of prison.

It was truly powerful and did not feel like something that was made without prayer itself, because the scripture readings were so intricately tied to the prayers each day. A human could not have done that on their own. It was the first time I’ve prayed the prayers written for me without deviating. I usually try to say my own words and thoughts when given a prayer request, but I felt deep down that repeating the request inscribed behind the door was what was being called for most. It taught me that prayer is not about me nor my wish to put my stamp on it as a creative person. Prayer is more than just communion with God, it is about God and his purposes. His plan over my plan.

I don’t know why I specifically received this. I don’t know if everyone who has donated was sent one or just some people? I haven’t seen much reference to this calendar, but I am so grateful that I did receive it. It was an incredible experience and taught me that even if Advent calendars are being transformed into cash grabs and tools of overconsumption, they can still be a process that prepares us for the Christmas season and brings the focus to God and His work in our lives. It can also be a fun concept that brings holiday cheer, like Catvent, an Advent calendar for cats filled with cat toys. That was an Advent calendar my Instagram friend shared daily on her stories this year which I absolutely loved! It’s truly becoming a multi-layered concept and I’m intrigued, so much so that it is January and I am looking forward to catching up on the next Advent calendars to be unboxed by Alexandria in the new year.

I hope wherever you are you have a lovely day or evening or night. Thanks for spending time with me, dear reader. Until next time!

#54 – Keep Flying

Happy May! This is my favorite month of the spring season. The flowers have bloomed, in their vibrant glory of fuschia and periwinkles. The leaves come back! I love seeing the trees all dressed in the green finery for another year. The warmth of the sunshine as it washes me in its light. It’s the joy of feeling warm without that roasting heat of June and July. We have wildflowers, the days are still growing long, and a whole season of outdoor activities stretching out in front of us – it’s a great time to be alive.

This May is going to be a whirlwind for sure. It’s happening in good ways and bad. I can’t exactly say why yet, but I’d like to share something this month is teaching me – how to remain calm when I have no chill because big life changes are happening. Does anyone really? I’m not convinced, but I see that being able to step back from times of shaky ground and change to find peace in the storm of confusion is the secret of adulthood.

I’m learning to stick to a plan and focus on the finish line. It’s teaching me how to push my worries back into my head relax my shoulders and turn my attention to something else. Am I doing this perfectly every time? Heck no! I was frustrated and worried, completely done and ready to wave the white flag last night. Staying calm is such a tricky thing. It feels like a balancing act with fine china ready to smash with any small shift. A tightrope act of processing my emotions, making a plan, feeling overwhelmed, getting tired, and usually I would feel looped in this circle of stress, unable to turn my mind off and get a breather to recharge.

Growing in faith and maturity has given me a new perspective on this feeling. I don’t like it and I actually want to do something about it. I don’t want to be tossed around by the sea of life. I want to roll it. Be someone who can accept what they cannot change and keep moving forward with joy in my heart. So I have been applying new strategies. I only complete one big stress task per day and then I move on to a normal task and a creative task. I’ve been more honest with the people around me that are my support system and have actually let them support me without isolating myself in a state of overwhelm.

Talking has reminded me of the bigger picture and that although there are some big things on the horizon, it’s going to be okay because I have people who love me. I’ve sought out fun things in the evening like watching familiar favorite TV shows, video games and good meals. I’ve been challenging myself to eat healthy instead of giving into stress eating patterns. I’ve been drinking herbal teas for my immune system and emotional wellbeing. I’ve been pushing myself to either workout or get outside, away from scrolling to clear my head and relieve stress.

It’s not just a bunch of Hocus Pocus it’s truly been helping. And personally, Kyle and I praying together, has been a game changer. Getting on my knees and praying instead of praying at my desk, or in the shower, or as I do tasks throughout the day, has made a big difference. Which to be clear, those are not bad ways to pray, in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 literally says, “pray without ceasing.” I’m learning a lot from all that is happening and I think, however everything pans out I am getting valuable life experience to keep going when it feels confusing or scary. Like it says in Firefly, find a ship, find a crew, keep flying.

I hope wherever you are, dear reader, that you are having a lovely day. I wish you a wonderful week and believe that it will be no matter what you are facing. There is a bigger plan at work. Thank you for spending time with me today, it means the world to me that anyone would take the time to read my blog. ❤

Finding Peace in Tax Season

In the United States, April 15th is our tax deadline. This is a date for me that has a lot of uncertainty. For most of my adult working life I have been a contractor which means your taxes are not taken out by your employer but instead you are responsible for setting aside the money in your savings that is paid out in a lump sum at the tax deadline. Now even though my job has changed, my husband and I are still navigating this setup and it has given us some uncertainty about how things are going to work moving forward in life, like how one saves for a down payment for a house when we aren’t sure how much we will be paying in taxes at the end of year, because our tax rates and tax laws seem to be shifting. It did this year for sure!

We were unaware that the laws had changed for all contractors, not just content creators, etc that you have to pay quarterly. I’m not sure how we were supposed to know to be honest because no information was shared although they advertise the tax deadline and tax services heavily from December to the deadline the next year. It’s been a stinging mistake because we learned there was a hefty penalty and a brand new tax rate that we were placed into, that we will not soon forget.

I think as humans, those big structures looming over us, like the government, cause a lot of anxiety in us because we want to believe that the social contract of Rousseau is what we are getting, but sometimes in those confusing moments like new laws and penalties without proper communication about it, it feels worrying. It took a lot of maturity and prayer this weekend to just accept that my frustration at myself and the lack of transparency was out of my control and that was okay. Like letting sand fall from my hands. As we paid our taxes for 2023 and then also unexpectedly had to pay for 2024’s first quarter, I had to accept that the money that felt like security was no longer mine, it was Caesar’s, and that’s the only answer.

And they sent to him some of the Pharisees and some of the Herodians, to trap him in his talk. And they came and said to him, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not? Should we pay them, or should we not?” But, knowing their hypocrisy, he said to them, “Why put me to the test? Bring me a denarius and let me look at it.” And they brought one. And he said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” They said to him, “Caesar’s.” Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they marveled at him.

Mark 12:13-17 ESV

The timing sucked and the surprise of paying both 2023 and the first quarter of 2024 in this economy felt like a bit of a free fall. I mean in life, I don’t love surprises. The good ones for sure are fun but those bad surprises can hang over us like a cloud and that’s what I didn’t want to have hanging over me. My husband’s birthday is coming up, and there are charities we support that I don’t want to let down. I’d like to continue dreaming about future plans, have extra money to be generous if someone needs help, or just not be worried about finances. To have that feeling of serenity in the changing sea of life.

Two promises repeated in my mind as we made our payments that helped me regain my peace, which honestly made no sense aside from God and his peace that surpasses all understanding.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Romans 8:28 NLT

 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

Matthew 6:26-30 NIV

I started thinking about the jokes people made on the day of the eclipse about going back to 2017, and where I was in 2017 with less than 100 USD to my name and no stable living situation, looking for a job as a new college grad and newlywed. It felt like my life was spiraling but then a year later I was stable with a job and a new life in Savannah. I think back to April 2020, newly laid off and with my husband’s employer looking at a complete NHL shutdown, none of it made sense, we just got back to normal and a savings, were we going back to square one three years later? And now in April 2024, I felt those same fears bubbling up.

Were we going back to that scary place? Was the rug pulled out from under me? How was God going to work this all for good? It’s funny to me now that this is the perspective I chose to focus on instead of thinking about how quickly God turns things around. In 2017, I went from rock bottom to a stable job and was ready for a big move in less than a year. In 2020, less than a year later, we were in a better situation than we left. If a big change happens, I need to remember to leave room for God to work instead of shutting down in fear and worry.

I find it to be no coincidence that I read a commentary days before that discussed the promise God makes in Romans 8:28. He works everything together for good, but He doesn’t promise it will make sense at the time, that’s where faith and leaning on His promises come in. We either choose to trust or we don’t, just like how we face trust issues with human relationships, we either trust people or we don’t. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s honest.

As the dust settled and we processed the tax situation, I realized that although the way things happened didn’t make sense as it was happening, it was going to transform our future for the good. I will never again have to dread that lump sum at the end of the year. With quarterly taxes, it’s manageable chunks, which will help us figure out a down payment for a house and what I experienced this time will never happen again. This was it and now I’m free. I also remembered that after these big financial “losses” happen God does something amazing with the smaller amount in ways that only He can. It’s happened over and over in these years since 2017.

Giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s and God what is God’s is also an important part of this process. Giving back what God has given us to serve His kingdom according to what Jesus says in Matthew 25 and remembering His promise in Matthew 6 is how we plan for the future, on His promises. Being greedy and being unwilling to share my blessings with others is a one-way street to unhappiness. So how will this all play out? I don’t know yet but I do know it helped me find peace in this moment of uncertainty and being released from the dread of tax season is the answer to my prayers even though the process wasn’t how I would have chosen it to be, it will be okay.

 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,  I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink?  When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you?  When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Matthew 25:35-40 NIV

I hope that by sharing this story, of my worries and my journey to peace that I will encourage you, reader in whatever you are facing right now. Life is such a rollercoaster and it is tricky in the tough days to remember it will get better. There will be brighter days. Financial stress is a tough adversary and I am still working through how to keep calm when it feels overwhelming.

Just remember you got this! 💪  Or in K-Pop speak, fighting!

Coping with Negative Emotions

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

It’s taken a while for me to find healthy coping mechanisms when negative feelings wash over me. Before I used to push the feelings down and grow numb, I’d clam up, or I’d get angry and stay angry. I’d shop for the heck of it or engage in self-destructive behavior like drinking or fighting with people I cared about until they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’d punish my body with exercise or restrictive eating. After a certain point the negative feelings and my destructive solutions, came to run my life and the anxiety and depression I had been allowing to take root in my life were in the driver’s seat and I was not even a passenger looking out the windshield, but was all the way in the backseat and had no concept of where the car was going.

Three years ago, I decided to take charge of my responses to stress and negative feelings. I stopped using alcohol as a crutch when I was overwhelmed by stressful and painful life situations and decided to look my pain in the eye and face it down. Now, I’m not doing this alone, when I made this decision I surrendered it to God, and chose to let Him be my driver of the car instead of myself or my anxiety and depression. It wasn’t any easy choice. It was scary but also an unknown to be explored. It was a new beginning.

Prayer

Prayer became the immediate lifeline between me and the negative emotions in my mind in combination with spending time in God’s word. Consciously shifting my perspective from, I’m alone and I’m scared to I’m scared but I’m never alone truly helped me feel sure footed when negative emotions clouded over my mind. Was it an instantaneous fix? Yes sometimes and other times it was a slow burn, it’s been a process of sanctification.

Focusing on God can pull me out of panic attacks and remind me that I am loved when dysfunctional people in my life make me question that. But I’ve found that when I’m really dialed into my relationship with God that is where I see the most results because prayer is about preparation. Being consistent so when those big, scary emotions come I can remember God’s promises. Being present keeps my eyes fixed on Him and helps me feel His presence even though I cannot see Him in front of me.

Has it taken away the negative emotions completely? No, they still happen and I still get anxious and depressed but I don’t remain there. Like a rain storm there is a clear sky on the other side, the morning always follows the night.

Poetry

I started writing poetry again back in December after a long hiatus, like maybe five years of turning away from it because of a friendship that I didn’t want to have creative competition in. That was a mistake because poetry, like journaling is an incredible way to walk your mind through your negative thoughts and process them through creating a work of art in words. Whenever my head feels too full with emotions and negative thoughts I pour them on to the page. I have specific notebook for this purpose and I say what I am feeling to my notebook.

I’ve done this as a way to get out of a loop of insomnia I was stuck in because of grief and it helped me digest the pain that was hovering in my mind so that I could move to the other side and back to a more balanced mind. Some poems I share and some are just kept for my own creative expression. It’s like Dumbledore’s Pensieve in Harry Potter. The memories, emotions, and negative thoughts are extracted on to the page where they can live and my mind can have some rest. Which is oh so nice for an over thinker like myself, who will continue to think until the wee hours of the night on problems there is no clear answer to.

Music

Since I received my iPod nano in 2008, I have been a music escapist. I need my headphones and my music at the ready for trips, errands, social situations, etc. I crave that escape when the world feels like too much. I need music to carry me through what I’m feeling and get my emotions out.

I usually run to music when I’m feeling angry, fed up, or in pain. I will play it loud and let the beat and the bass overwhelm me in its world until the anger feels less explosive. I’ll run to music when I’m feeling scared and uncomfortable to distract and get my mind out of the loop its in. Music is motivating. My favorite go to songs when I feel like I’m going to explode from all the emotion inside and I’m feeling anger rise in me are LALALALA Rock Version by Stray Kids, Cover Me by Stray Kids, Bouncy (K-Hot Chili Peppers) by Ateez, Guerilla by Ateez, Haegeum by Suga, Kill this Love by Blackpink, or Drama by Aespa.

Exercise

The other day I felt some unsolvable pain due to an increasingly dysfunctional relationship I have with a parent and I wanted to give into the temptation of destructive behavior. I wanted to drain my bank account with a shopping spree and get very drunk because I felt so helpless from this relationship ever getting better here on Earth. I was frustrated and wanted to feel pain because I was feeling angry and numb. Instead of doing something destructive, I decided to work out, and push my body though exercise to embrace the burn to feel something instead of hurting myself and my future. It worked!

I was motivated to lift weights longer, hold wall sits and planks longer, to push my leg muscles, my core, and my arms to higher reps. It was awesome and constructive instead of destructive but with the release of anger in a healthy way. I remember my Papa telling me that he would channel all the anger he had from his own dysfunctional parents on the football field and get the emotions out through the physicality of the game. It truly made a difference and I was able to no longer feel explosive after my workout because although the pain and negative thoughts were still hovering in the background, I felt like I was no longer trapped in my mind.

Art

When I don’t know what to do with my mind, I make art. I get creative and let myself escape into a world of my own creation in order to get out of my own head and my swirling negative thoughts. Getting creative reminds me of what my purpose is and my calling and helps me to remember that there is more to life than the bad times. There is so much beauty beyond what I am currently stuck in, when I’m feeling low, that I need to carry on and make something beautiful. Get out of my own head and remember that I have worth, I have the ability to create beauty in this world, and I can do better than those around me who hurt me. Art is uplifting. Creating is nourishing. It channels the pain into something more than it started as, it becomes a touch point of connection with others and the world around us.

My favorite way to escape into art is to draw landscapes, flowers, animals, and the sky in the majesty of a sunset.

Learning to Wait for Direction

In a previous post, Listening to the Bible App’s Audio Version, I switched up my Bible listening to Bible reading to get out of a rut I was in, and it worked really well! I was crushing chapters upon chapters and fitting in the Word where I could including listening to a book while I got a shower and ready for bed, while I was sewing, etc. It was an effective way to consume a lot of the Bible at once. I realized though that spending time in God’s word and daily time with God is a lot more complex than I realized.

So it is true that I was consuming a lot of the word, I listened to Lamentations in one sitting. Hosea was a quick listen that made some of those destruction chapters a quick fly-through, which helped a lot to get me more familiar with those unknown places in the Bible, a goal I felt God leading me to this whole year. My goal in 2023 is to let God lead me through the Bible and let Him teach me what He wants me to know as life unfolds because sometimes knowing where to go next is overwhelming. The Bible is a large book full of many different kinds of writings, and that is where I got into a slump this fall. I try to listen faithfully but sometimes discerning God’s leading can be tough for me as a human to focus on. I get distracted and wander. As I listened to book after book quickly through my day, I realized I was wandering and not letting Him direct me. My wandering wasn’t a bad thing, but focusing and listening to where He wanted me to study next was going to be greater than what I could lead myself to on my own.

I believe that my biggest takeaway from 2023, is to not distract myself from the bigger thing that He has planned just because there is a good option in front of me. Taking the wrong turn in life is not necessarily an extreme thing, it can be just a divergent path that will still bring good things but may not be the ultimate plan God had for me for my life or just for that day. There is a lot more subtly to it than I understood before, and in doing so I understand that being in the relationship daily and being present keeps my eyes and ears tuned for what He has in store for me.

In typical human fashion though this is a lot harder to accomplish than I believe it to be at face value. Because life happens. Like unexpectedly getting sick during a crappy time of the month and having your schedule all thrown off. When life gets busy and chaotic, I slack on my good-for-me habits, including being present in my relationship with God. And one night last week when I was feeling rather low from being sick, feeling behind on what I needed to do, and wanting to catch a break, that was not happening. I just wanted to feel healthy again, and I thought I was getting better but it was confusing, the symptoms were coming in waves, as was my energy.

Before bed, I felt incredibly discouraged as I had another setback, and I got angry with God. I wanted to know why a health issue I had been working to manage for a few years seemed to be regressing and becoming even more of a concern, I wanted to know why I had to, at that moment, feel so lost and alone. In frustration, I went back downstairs and began to knit instead of sleep. I googled and stitched, looking for answers yet feeling like I was now drowning in information. I felt like crying or freaking out, I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t want to wake my husband or call my mom, not at 1 am. It was then that I got my daily verse notification, like 3 hours off of when it is scheduled to come each day, and this is what it said:

Cast your burden on the Lord,
    and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22 ESV

I was shocked. I was angry at God and yet He was present and reminding me of His faithfulness. That is unlike how we treat each other as humans. It’s unnatural to us but not Him. I could feel His presence so strongly with me and the information I had googled began to sink into my brain instead of swirling around in anxious musings, and I realized my health issue was getting better there was a key part of the process I was misunderstanding but that what I was experiencing was getting back on track. I felt a peace that transcends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

In that moment I understood that I needed to slow down and listen because the answers to my questions and worries were there but I had stopped up my ears in distractions and anger. I’m not good at waiting for directions. I tend to fuss. Reigning that behavior, I’m learning is more important than we know. The instant nature of modernity is clouding my attention to learn to be still. I’m not satisfied to exist in that state of mind.

Do you find it easy to be still and wait for further direction? How have you learned to temper that behavior in your own life?

Spiraling in Silence

I like transparency and honesty, yet I have not been honest with myself this week. I have been a spiritual dark cloud with a disinterested heart towards reading my Bible and spending time each day with God. I have been running from Him, which has set me on a path of unrest and a posture that is lacking in self-care.

Neck Anxiety

Literally, my posture has been one of emotional unrest. My shoulders and neck are making me pay for it as I’ve let them get stuck in knots. Existing in the tension of my mind. The physical toll of anxious, spiraling thoughts is sometimes worse than the emotions. Because after it’s over, and my muscles relax I am left with the haunting sensation of sore, aching muscles that were unable to relax in the midst of my mind’s tumult.

This cloud of spiritual funk has left me in an anxious place worrying about things I’m not even sure I should be worrying about.

One man’s sermon should not be so destructive unless that is exactly what the enemy wants. I think I’ve been under attack for two weeks now, the anxiety I am holding in my neck certainly communicates a war in my mind.

Isn’t strange how we can be on top of the world one day and the next something knocks us down into despair. A melancholy that keeps us stagnant.

It reminds me of Elijah’s depression in 1 Kings 19.

Growth to Crisis

I’ve felt so on fire for God for months now. I’ve been stepping out in faith more, speaking out for the gospel, and ministering to my unbelieving friends with boldness. I have been tithing for the first time with consistency, and yet, even when we are doing all the right things tests come. Spiritual warfare comes. Confusion and chaos shake us like Elijah experienced after God defeated the prophets of Baal.

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

1 Kings 19:4‭-‬8 ESV

I’ve felt the temptation to be stagnant, or worse to regress back to a place where I am seeking my own will instead of God’s will. I know deep down nothing good would come of that choice. No blessings, no peace, no fruit.

I’ve been silent. Not praying, or looking for any quiet moments with God. I have been shying away from my usual routine of listening to worship music throughout the week, refusing to be fed, like Elijah refused to eat or drink and wished to wither away.

Chaos & Confusion

Sometimes the church has some bad witnesses and presents parts of the Bible in ways that feel more like man’s way than God’s holy way. I’ve decided to abandon the sermon series I’ve been listening to and run from this convoluted presentation of what heaven will be like and the reward system that God has. It has done nothing but cause chaos in my heart, to make me fearful of God’s judgment instead of running to the Heavenly Father with open arms.

My husband has been very patient with me, listening to my worries and my questions. He has been defeating the lies the enemy is trying to trap me in about who God is. He has reminded me that even strong believers go through times of struggle, and these weird time times can produce growth.

It doesn’t mean I am a failure.

As I am writing this I see now that the biggest way this funk has impacted me is the sense of isolation and shame.

I have kept this anxiety from everyone, including my close friends. I have felt ashamed to admit I’m struggling and have put myself in a bubble. As the week progressed I became more and more stuck in my own head. Insomnia and bad dreams have taken residence in my head. I’ve felt run down and not like myself.

Unlikely Gift

I now wonder if the mysterious squirrel or bat that was in our chimney was literally a blessing because it drove me into the welcoming hugs of my friends’ next door. The evening of the mysterious noises should have been terrible, but instead, I think now about how loved I felt. I think God brings those opportunities about to show us how loved and cared for we are, even when we are going through Spiritual growing pains.

God provided for David when David was being chased and brought his complaints to God.

God fed Elijah and cared for him even though Elijah was wishing for death.

God is good. He is bigger than our problems. He can handle our darkness. He wants to be our source of strength and I lost sight of that. I’m thankful God never loses sight of what is important and never gives up.

If you are struggling dear reader, I hope this will encourage you to keep going. You’re not a failure if you are having a bad week or a bad month. Sometimes we go through waves of emotions that are difficult to process and we need to be patient with ourselves. You are not alone.

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