Tag: mental health

More Reflections, A Year With a Bunny Part Two

One year ago, we adopted Mia from a local rabbit rescue. We knew life would change, but we didn’t consider how much we would change and grow from this experience. These are my reflections on how our little house bunny, Mia, has shaped us in our first year together.

Awareness

Today, I accidentally scared Mia. I came downstairs from working out, with music playing on my phone, distracted and not considering the little bunny, snoozing in a deep sleep. As soon as I looked up from my phone, I was highly aware of what my blissful ignorance hath wrought: ears standing tall, eyes wide, and body tense, ready to run at the slightest hint of danger. Before Mia, I was aware of what startled me, but with Mia and her own sensitive ears, it has challenged me to approach life with an even gentler touch. Today was a day I forgot, but with each passing month, these moments of unawareness are decreasing. Getting used to how aware Mia is of her surroundings was intimidating at first. I remember feeling on edge those first weeks, feeling like I was unable to relax – scared to scare Mia – a bit impossible of a standard!

I’ve learned to be quiet, internally and externally. The desire for quiet, for the little prey animal in our midst, has become a craving for quiet coming from a place inside me. What felt like a burden at first has become a blessing, because the awareness of the sound level, the peaceful environment I wish to create for Mia, has become a goal I desire for my own needs. The awareness of the quiet and the peace is something that I need, that Kyle needs. It’s healthier for us, but in this distracted and noise-polluted world, I don’t know if my awareness was going to attune to this again without Mia.

Structure

Mia has a schedule, possibly wearing a little watch somewhere under all that fur. She hops to her dinner spot around 5 pm, and waits for her breakfast starting at 8 am. She knows what time we should go to bed, with a precision I wish I could stick to. I’m not blessed with a sense of schedule. I tend to drift off course, but Mia is teaching me structure, and her needs are reminding me how comforting a schedule can be. Taking care of her is teaching me more about what I actually need to take care of myself in a healthier way. How is this little bunny so wise, so intuitive? The promise to care for her, every day, is a responsibility that I thought would feel heavy and burdensome, but instead, it is a way I have rediscovered purposeful living. I am grateful.

Letting Go

Detachment from physical things is the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn from living with Mia. Mia loves to chew my stuff. She has chewed holes in sentimental blankets, she has forever changed favorite pieces of furniture, and she will take a chunk out of newly made pieces fresh from my workroom. She doesn’t discriminate from store-bought items either – brand new overalls, my phone case, my Nalgene bottle. This has stressed me out. Mia has chewed the couch, a brand new coffee table hand-built by Kyle, the freshly painted baseboards, slippers, and I’m sure there will be more. I’ve gone through the stages of grief. I’ve had moments of intense frustration and questioning it all. But when I committed to adopting Mia, I told myself that I would remember that people are more important than things, and in this case, people and little furry members of the family.

The Floor is Great

I love sitting on the floor. I have always loved sitting on the floor; it grounds my mind – no pun intended. But dating and spending time at future in-law houses and not wanting to be weird, renting with worn wood floors, and moving into adulthood with busy schedules, changed my life from a cozy floor sitter to work chairs and collapsing into couches at the end of the day. Or sitting at my sewing table in a chair with bad posture. I stopped sitting on the floor. But with a rabbit, they like and need you to be on their level. I believe it is essential for bonding with your rabbit. At the beginning, it was hard. It felt unnatural after a decade of not being on the floor. The floor felt hard, unwelcoming. Even with carpet. But after a few months, I felt comfortable. My hips and back hurt less when I spend time on the floor. A year later, I am back to being a floor dweller. Without Mia, would I have ever gone back? I don’t know, but wow, my body feels more comfortable, younger even.

Slow Down, Be Present

The final thing that my rabbit soulmate has taught me this year is to be present and slow down. Mia is already four; she has an estimated lifespan of 12 years, which is not a lot of time when you really care about someone. I don’t want to miss any more moments with her. Kyle and I celebrated 9 years of marriage this year, 11 years together. Time feels like it is flying, and I want to be more present in my relationship with him. My mom and my stepdad are also getting older, and I want to be more present. Mia is teaching me that. Where I can, when I can make the choice to pause what I am doing to spend time with her, and I challenge myself to do so. That has been a challenge. I tend to hyperfixate on projects, which burn me out, but a difficult bad habit to break.

This year, I have created less, but I am feeling the balance being restored to my life. Without Mia hopping over to spend time with me, who knows if I would be shifting my perspective to a healthier state of mind? I can feel my mind and body feeling less stressed. Mia naps a lot, and that is another piece of the slowing-down puzzle that I am learning to accept without guilt. Rest is important. Rest is necessary. Slowing down is good for us. But we resist, because it’s tough to go against the grain. Rest is seen as lazy, even though our bodies and minds get burnt out. Living with Mia is helping me reset those misconceptions and take better care of myself.

Final Thoughts

I would 100% recommend adopting a rabbit if you have been thinking about it. Adopt any pet, actually, or volunteer at a local animal shelter. Do your research and get involved; it will change your life for the better. Animals are so calming. Mia has helped me open up again, in ways I thought I was closed off for good. It’s helped me understand my neurodivergence, my sensitivity, my trauma. She just gets me. She listens, she is there. She has become a best friend, and don’t we all need more of that in our lives? And what about Mia? Well, I’m honored that we got to provide her with her furever home. She has a big space to zoomie around, endless hay, and pets. She gets to watch TV, explore the couch, and have all her toys and treats to herself. She is the center of attention and trusts us. It’s amazing to know a prey animal trusts you. It challenges you to be the best person you can be.

#78 – Can You Feel Optimism in 2025?

This is a bit of a follow-up to my discussion of cultural boredom from earlier this year, a little update to my creative slump, and exciting developments for my hunt to replace my reliable crafting supplies. The world still feels like it is on fire, but I think I am learning how to thrive again. It takes me a long time to process things, so maybe that’s why?

Spaghetti and Gnarly

Le Sserafim released a song that captures the wonderfully nonsensical world of a good K-pop song. Spaghetti is catchy, silly, and makes me crave spaghetti, so that’s what I am cooking tonight. It is what I remember the music videos of K-pop to look like when I took the plunge in 2022. It was fun, and in the last few years, it has lost some of its luster with darker concepts, instead of cute, and a bit uninspired. Although I’m fully into K-pop, it has been repetitive and bland for most of 2025. Except for my favorites – Stray Kids and Nmixx. Enter Gnarly by Katseye. A song that is so jarring it’s bad but also amazing, it’s been a weird one for me, the thesis of this year, it has felt like. “Everything is gnarly.” A phrase that has carried me through bizarre headlines and life’s bumpy road this year. For me, Gnarly was going to be the song that typified what I remember feeling in 2025, until Bleep by Stray Kids dropped in August. But now, I hope I will remember moments that feel like the upbeat wonder of Spaghetti. What about Golden? I desperately need to compile notes for K-pop Demon Hunters because that has been such a gift.

Big Twist at Michaels

Big Twist is back at Michaels, for real, and it’s kind of silly to admit this, but it feels comforting. There’s a Joann Knit and Sew Shop section in the store, and like, maybe it was a bad dream? I mean, all the crafting drama definitely happened this year between private equity, tariffs, and Sci Show declaring the arrival of physicists to help the knitters. The familiarity was maybe all my neurodivergent mind needed to just relax a bit? Now the fabric is not good, but it could get better in time. I’m choosing to be hopeful, I mean, the recent US election showed a strong rejection of the Trump Administration, so as people have said all year, if it can get worse, it can get better. And for me, who hates change with a passion, I’ve learned that if it disappears, it can come back. I just need to work on my patience. I have found a second local yarn store in my own state, and a great local fabric shop. I’d say I’m pleased to the point that I am not missing Joann like I thought I would.

Stitches for Identity

I believe I am finally moving out of the depressed forest that is being laid off due to personal and global trauma. I’ve been listening to Kitchen and Jorn’s Losing Followers Podcast, where they have been talking through the post-Buzzfeed time of their careers. I was in a toxic job at Great Dane Trailers in the late 2010s, and it was freeing yet terrifying to lose that job. Listening to Jen and Kristin talk through the transition of leaving a job that demanded all of them, to be free from that monster, but also lose all connection to the project they built from the ground up, has been a balm to me. When I was laid off, I lost my app and my content calendar, my magazine contribution. I was wrecked, and I didn’t know how to process that for years. I felt like a loser. I dove into crafting, and for years, those stitches of thread and yarn gave me meaning.

The blog, though, and finally this year uploading my manuscript to this website this year connected me back to what makes me feel like me. I have always been drawn to writing, and not having that or a way to work towards something bigger than just sharing my creations on social media was gnarly. But this blog and your community have helped me find my way back. I mean, heck, Udal Cuain and my original blog, where I shared chapters, was the portfolio that landed me the corporate job. Although it’s gone, what I learned and experienced stayed with me and has made me grow into who I am now. This has been a full circle.

It’s been freeing to admit to myself and loved ones that I was depressed by that career loss. Starting over again has been confusing, but it’s not all figured out yet. There is still time to find a new place where I belong. I’m in the process of recalibrating, and that is a direction in itself. I feel freed from the weight of “monetizing my hobby” and the impossible summit of creating a small business as someone who truly is not cut out for the accounting or marketing parts.

Unmasking and Coping for the First Time

Truly, though, as I reflect on this year, getting serious about health – mental, physical, and emotional – for the first time has contributed to the feeling of optimism I have leaving 2025 that I did not have entering 2025. I have healthier boundaries in relationships, more honesty about how I’m doing, and whether I am feeling overstimulated. I recently got into rebounding, aka a fancy term for jumping on a miniature trampoline for cardio. Wow, I like this for my mind! It resets me, and it’s helping me get stronger. I used to feel ashamed of who I am. I didn’t understand why I felt so different, nor did I know how to communicate burnout without pushing friends and loved ones away. Being unmasked was tumultuous for the first couple of months, but now I never want to put that neurotypical mask back on.

How has 2025 changed you? I think it has made me unapologetically empathetic. Bolder to say I disagree with wrong because the stakes have been higher than ever in my lifetime. I hope to carry that forward into 2026, because I think the opposite of late-stage capitalism is community, so let’s burn it down with empathy. Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. I wish you love and kindness.

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Avoiding the Comparison Pitfall & Being Comfortable With Slow Progress

Gardening, garden beds

Something I struggle with is not falling into the trap of comparison. Whether it’s people I know or people I’ll never meet, I find it easy to compare myself to them if there are any similarities. And I think social media is a major factor in creating an environment where we compare ourselves to others. Now, comparing yourself to others isn’t always a bad thing. It can help us set goals for ourselves when done in a healthy manner. However, too often, when it comes to social media, it’s rarely healthy. Social media platforms, such as Instagram, are designed to only tell part of the story. We either don’t get to see the entire story and all the work that goes into achieving something, or the achievement itself is misleading. Either way, it’s not good.

Unfortunately, two of my favorite hobbies, gardening and woodworking, tend to be full of comparison and even being bad about yourself. With woodworking, you can get caught up in the size of a person’s shop, the quality (and price) of the tools they have, and the type of wood they can work with. I don’t remember my dad or grandfather ever working with quarter-sawn white oak, but that’s the bulk of what you see YouTube, HGTV, and Instagram woodworkers use. Most people can’t afford that quality of lumber. When it comes to tools, I don’t know many people who can afford to outfit their shop with Festool, whose most basic sander will set you back $300, but that’s what you see a lot on TV and the Internet. It’s easy to tell yourself that you don’t need those tools, but when a project doesn’t turn out as well as the media personality’s does, you can quickly point to your cheaper tools as the culprit. The reality, though, is that the tools don’t maker the woodworker; the person does. We don’t see how many failed attempts went into a project before the successful final product. We also don’t know all the years a person put into the profession or hobby before working up to the expensive tools and materials.

Gardening is the same: If you want the best results from the start, you’ll want to pay to have all new soil brought in to amend what currently exists or buy the best materials to create an above-ground garden. You’ll also want to have the strongest and tallest fence to prevent animals from gaining access to your plants. And don’t forget to have an automatic watering setup that measures soil moisture and waters the plants as necessary. And when you look at Pinterest or read a gardening magazine, you’ll find the most beautiful gardens that are absent of weeds. If you’re like me, your first thought will be “Why doesn’t mine look like that?” Rationally, I know it’s because that garden that probably existed for years and has been the result of small improvements on an annual basis. But still, we don’t know that, and the standalone image is unlikely to tell that story.

Focus on the Successes

I don’t know where you’re at with your garden or other hobbies, but please know that you are doing very well and should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. If it was your first year gardening and all you harvested was a single tomato, celebrate it. Feeding, watering, and caring for a tomato plant long enough to reach maturity isn’t easy. If you’re a mature gardener who’s struggled with carrots and finally got to eat one out of your garden, be thrilled. You put in a lot of work for that one carrot, and that shouldn’t be taken lightly. In your mind, it may not be as impressive as Instagram handle 123’s harvest, but who cares? They aren’t you, and you aren’t them. Both are okay. We don’t know the background that’s allowed them to achieve their success. They could be veteran gardeners with years of experience. They could also be commercial gardeners with a personal page. Or, they may not be gardeners at all and are simply posing with someone else’s harvest and garden. I never want that to be the case, but the sad reality is that it does happen.

Be Comfortable With Small Improvements

After you begin to appreciate the successes you have each year, I think it’s okay to start focusing on improvements that can be made moving forward. It can be an achievable goal, such as trying a new vegetable or seed variety that you’re curious about. It could also be finding ways to improve your soil drainage or become more efficient at watering. Perhaps you can work toward buying a new piece of equipment each spring that will lead to more success.

We’ve been working to put all these into practice. We had pretty good success with our plants this year, but one of our goals for next year is to have more melons and pumpkins reach maturity. I also want to find a way to make watering more seamless and efficient. The majority of our watering was done with cans, and it would be nice to have a setup that used soaker hoses attached to a single hookup. Finally, we want to improve our fence system. Ours worked pretty well for the first year and was never meant to be a long-term solution. But we also know that we likely won’t be able to upgrade all of it for next year, especially if we do want a forever solution that doesn’t need to be upgraded again in five years. That means upgrading it a little at a time. Maybe, we’ll upgrade one or two beds at a time so that in a few years, the entire garden will have a fence that is deer-proof and structurally sound.

Reaching that decision and mindset hasn’t been easy. I’ve mentioned before that I’m an impatient person by nature and struggle to take things slowly. My default is to find a remedy for the failed fence immediately, but that isn’t feasible. To upgrade all the fence for next year would be a substantial investment or would mean buying another short-term stopgap that would result in failure again. Instead, I’ve focused on what will be the best long-term investment and use the fewest resources while not spreading ourselves too thin. That means upgrading the fence little by little until it’s all improved. It will also mean that we’ll have some breaches in the fence until it’s all upgraded, but that’s okay. We’ll navigate that just like we did this year.

Find Joy Where You’re At

To wrap it up, I want to circle back to being happy where you’re at. It’s important to find joy in our current situation. Sure, it’d be great to have all the best tools at the start of something, but there’s little gratification in that. Working with what you can afford at a given time will help you appreciate the higher quality items when you can upgrade in the future. You can also be amazed at how much ingenuity you have when you are working with “starter” tools.

For example, I began woodworking with a used compact Craftsman table saw. It had a plastic basic that twisted when I ran a board through it. It was a bit scary, but I was able to build a serving tray with it that Magz still uses. I’ve since upgraded to a larger, more powerful Rigid saw that is capable of doing a lot more work, but I wouldn’t have appreciated how nice it is had I not used the Craftsman saw. Eventually, I want to upgrade to a cabinet table saw that can do even more, and I know that I’ll appreciate that one because I’ve worked with my current one for at least three years.

Squeezing everything you can out of what you have is an important mindset to have even though it’s in sharp contrast to the current mindset of many people. It’s fun to be countercultural in that way. It’s also why we aren’t rushing to spend a bunch of money in our garden when what we have serves us well and instead can slowly upgrade things.

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Reflections From the Garden: Focusing on My Mental Health

I’ve written a few times about how peaceful gardening and being in the garden can be. Escaping from technology, surrounding yourself with nature, and being fully present with your plants has nothing but a positive effect on your life. But that doesn’t mean it is a perfect prescription for everything in life, and this summer, I found myself battling mental health problems that the garden alone couldn’t solve.

This post will be a bit different from what I typically write here, but I think it’s important to share. As a guy, there’s often a stigma surrounding mental health and attempting to get help (or at least that’s the case in the United States). This is a little bit about recognizing that I needed help and how it’s going so far.

Owning a House & Having a Garden Were What I Always Wanted

Buying our own house and having a yard big enough for a large in-ground garden were two goals I’ve had for a few years. When we were in the house we previously rented, I always said that it was going to be the last place we rented. I knew that only so much of that was in our control, but I was hopeful. The opportunity presented itself after three years, which was earlier than we would have liked, but with much prayer, help, and perseverance, we stuck with it. After signing all the paperwork and moving in, there was great excitement, but I still didn’t feel as happy as I probably should have. When last winter arrived, I was very happy and excited to be planning our first garden. I was also happy early in spring to be digging new garden beds, which I wrote about in great depth. But something still wasn’t right.

Feeling Off

Even in the midst of all the excitement that comes with gardening, I found myself being frustrated, irritable, and angry at the drop of a hat. Even in situations where I should have been happy, such as planting seeds, I was getting overly upset at little things. For example, if I put too many seeds in one area, I would beat myself up. That alone isn’t the worst thing; however, it affected my mood and how I interacted with those around me, including Magz. I would be short in how I communicated with her and have an edge to my voice.

I also began putting unnecessary pressure on things. I constantly focused on what was going wrong with the garden or what work needed to be done next instead of enjoying our successes or taking breaks. Weeds needed to be pulled and fertilizer needed to be added regardless of the temperature or UV index. This led to me being outside in the afternoon on hot, sunny days when the temperature was above 90 degrees. That work didn’t need to be done at that exact moment, but I felt like it had to. Worse yet, was that I passively applied that same standard to Magz. She asked me if I needed help or would be disappointed if she didn’t help (even though I know that she doesn’t do as well as I do in hot weather). I would tell her no, but when I came back inside, I would either act like I just did the hardest work anyone has ever done or would hold a grudge over it.

The last things I noticed were regularly being tired even after getting a good night’s sleep, no longer being interested in hobbies or activities I like, being moody, struggling to make decisions, and feeling as though I couldn’t hold conversations. In general, I felt depressed and down. Magz regularly asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t pinpoint anything and just said that I felt off. Eventually, this led to us fighting pretty regularly and me not feeling confident in my ability to get out of the fight. I just felt paralyzed in my own mind and body. Finally, in July, I realized that I needed help. Mentally, I was at rock bottom, but I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t interested in doing in-person therapy because I struggle to open up to people in person right away. Through our insurance, I found numerous services that provide virtual therapy, and the best part was that I could apply filters to find someone I was comfortable with.

Finding a Therapist, First Sessions & Progress

I wanted a therapist who is a Christian and a man. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to a woman in that situation, and I wanted a Christian counselor because I felt that it would be important to have a similar faith background. Within an hour, I found someone I was interested in, scheduled an appointment, and filled out the initial consultation. In a week or so, I had my first session, which was quite awkward.

Prior to this, I had never sought help from a therapist, although I should have. My parents’ divorce, multiple traumatic incidents, and some general emotional events that I never dealt with were all examples of times that I should have spoken to someone. Because of that, I had no idea of what to expect. I originally thought that I’d be “healed” in five or so sessions and didn’t want to drag this thing out. Boy, was I wrong. The first session was a basic “get to know” Kyle meeting where we went over my expectations and goals, and I began to tell him about my background and why I was there. Besides the goals and expectations, that’s actually how my first few sessions went, and I’ve only recently started to move beyond the intake portion of therapy, but I’m seeing real progress.

My therapist has given me the tools needed to process and react to situations and events that trigger me. I didn’t know it, but my ability to handle triggering situations in a healthy manner was basically stripped down to zero. I would overreact to everything and be unaware of how my body and mind were reacting to situations in the moment. Not recognizing this, I would respond to lies that I was telling myself, and situations would blow up. These new tools helped me slow everything down, recognize the emotions and bodily reactions I was experiencing in a given moment, and process them so that I could have a healthy reaction that was rooted in reality instead of falsehood.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned so many things from therapy. One is that it’s okay to admit that you need help. That’s a cliché, but it’s true. Not being okay is okay, but you don’t want to stay there. The second thing is that it’s really easy to fall into bad patterns of mental health. I never intended to develop poor reactions to events. It was a slow process that happened over time. The third thing is that developing healthy patterns takes a lot of work. You have to rewire how your mind responds to situations. You’ll have setbacks, which can be disheartening, but it’s important to stick with it. And the last thing is that it’s all worth it. It’s a time and financial commitment, and it’s also going to hurt if you allow yourself to be transparent with your therapist, but being healthy again is completely worth it.

And one more thing. Let’s call it an honorable mention. And this is for my fellow Christians who are having mental health struggles: Don’t let anyone tell you that your struggles are the result of not praying enough or that you don’t have enough faith. God is able to do anything and can solve a person’s struggles without any effort from us. But sometimes, it’s important that we put in the work, meet with a professional, and be able to process what’s causing our struggles.

Don’t Be Afraid to Get Help & Learning to Love Life Again

I started this post by talking about the stigma surrounding men and their mental health. Society is a much safer space for guys to have serious conversations about their mental health, but the sigma is still present. There are plenty of men (and women) who think guys are weak for seeking help with their mental health. If you’re struggling with mental health and would like to speak to someone but are concerned about how someone would view you, you owe it to yourself to get yourself help. Oftentimes, people aren’t as abrasive as we think they’ll be. But if you have a friend who would make fun of you or speak negatively of you wanting to get yourself help, you deserve better friends.

Now, let’s get this back to the garden. I struggled to find joy in the garden in spring and early summer. That began to change after talking to my therapist. It wasn’t instantaneous, but in August, I began to feel like myself again. I began to let the little things that went wrong in the garden go. We could only do so much to prevent the deer and other critters from getting into the garden, and it was wonderful to walk the garden and see the progress of our pumpkins. I also began to find joy in my favorite hobbies. I started the coffee table project and finished it in a (personal) record amount of time. Things are really beginning to look up, and I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. I hope that if you are struggling with your mental health that you find someone you feel safe with and help yourself. You owe it to yourself. Your life is invaluable, and you deserve to live it to its fullest.

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I Am My Own Crafting Worst Enemy

This is an unplanned part three of my “Drafting Shortalls From Scratch” because I did not succeed in making my overalls for winter. Although I have made shortalls twice this summer, a few silly, but very human mistakes, led to the project going awry. This is what I think went wrong:

  • Flew too close to the sun when tailoring
  • Planning < No Plan
  • Lack of Focus
  • Measure Once, Cuss Twice
  • I kinda hate sewing when it feels this hard
  • Putting too much pressure on myself
  • Not Buying Enough Fabric
  • Not Mocking Up
  • Not using my Patterns when I’m stuck
  • Research the Basics

It’s so easy to think we’ve got this and be too confident when going into a project. With knitting, this approach of fearlessness had led to some great projects, but with sewing, this artistic type of approach crashes and burns. Sewing is fabrication, as weird as that sounds. I think I was prepared to sew such complex tailoring projects, such as my shortalls, this summer, because I spent the spring building a screened-in porch with Kyle. Woodworking is very similar to sewing, I learned! It is about measuring, planning, creating things in a specific order, and constructing something that is built to last. When we started working on the porch, I never imagined how much it would teach me about garment construction. But it gave me a template to focus on. Who knew that woodworking would be such an inspirational experience for me?

So why am I sharing this? I am really struggling to accept that sewing is not coming easily to me; no matter how much I practice, it continues to challenge me. I’d like to invite you to join me in not giving up on those things in our lives that are hard.

I Found A Local Yarn Store!

sheep in a field

If you have been following my blog this year, you will know that I was feeling a bit frustrated, that I didn’t have a local yarn store to turn to after Joann closed – but that’s no longer the case! I found a local shop thanks to the Yarn Discovery Tour of North Eastern Ohio. How wonderful is that!

As a Western Pennsylvania resident, it was a little bit of a drive, but not too far to visit the lovely Three Sheep Gallery and Workshop of Boardman, Ohio. This yarn shop had so much for me and my mom to check out – spinning wheels, weaving looms, yarn brands galore, project kits, needles, hooks, etc. I picked up a sock kit with a superwash merino and nylon blend fingering weight yarn that is self-striping. I was excited to try this sock kit because it came with a free pattern from Urth Yarns. This sock pattern has been full of surprises, some good and some challenging. It is a toe-up sock pattern, based on traditional Turkish sock design.

I’ve never made a toe-up sock before, I’m excited to learn new techniques, but here is where I am struggling. I bought double-pointed needles, on recommendation for sock knitting, and they are wonderful needles, but dang, the combo of a new sock technique and new tools has been frustrating. I’m getting laddering on the sock every time I start over, and I feel a bit on the edge of tears because these needles were expensive – 21 USD! On top of the sock kit for 29 USD for 100 grams of yarn and a PDF pattern. I feel a lot of pressure, from my own mind, because I was not paying attention to the price and feel like I made a mistake, but I need to remember that new skills take time. With patience and practice, the skill will come in time.

The second project I purchased was a scarf kit with two yarn hanks of worsted weight wool and a pattern from Urth Yarns, that my mom also purchased so we will have matching scarves! I’m so excited. The biggest blessing of this day was the opportunity to share what I love with my mom, my Scott, and my Kyle. I am truly grateful for all that these guys did to make this a great day of bonding for my mom and I, and for the four of us. It’s been a heavy few weeks after losing our beloved Sully, and getting a day to explore a new yarn store, learn about weaving, and getting to meet the lovely owner of Three Sheep was a bright spot after days of gray.

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Apathy and Fear – The Worst Cocktail

It drifts in, like a high pressure system. Clouds stratify, and all seems well. We don’t know that the pallid tone maybe the one that may drain the life from us, until we are as pale as a corpse.

Apathy. The silent assassin that numbs the senses to right and wrong. A comfortable sweater of indifference to our worries, we check out. But it doesn’t just numb us to what hurts us, it numbs us to all things, even joy. Disassociating will not make what is weighing on you better. Choosing to be a part of the background, to escape the foreground and its perils, is not going to rescue your mind from the monsters waging war. Because that is what apathy does, it makes you forget that you are making a choice not to care, and makes you feel like the world is victimizing you, when instead, this path you chose, yourself.

Fear. It’s powerful. It motivates us like nothing else, because no matter what is going right in our life, the looming fear of our mortality and of the inescapable henchman named pain will get us in the end. There is nothing that can change that. It eats at us, not knowing when the bad will come. Fear isolates. Fear keeps us closed off in suburbs. Fear drives a big SUV, that is 6 feet off the ground, in a tank that blocks from view the child you are about to run over. Fear, closes off communities from connection, to protect us from the unknown devil living next door. Paranoia holds us at arms length. The faces we see everyday, can’t be trusted. Fear will keep us safe. Fear is gerrymandering a map to neutralize the unknown, to grasp at the concept of control, before the phantom slips through our fingers. Fear censors history, because it is too weak to look at the failings of our ancestors.

I’ve seen fear and apathy take good people and turn them into feckless sycophants to the current guard. I’ve seen money and security divide us, when connection would save us. And now, I’ve witnessed first hand how easy people are swayed, and it sickens me, even a trusted friend can fall to its charisma. I’ve now seen first hand, the cleverness of fear and apathy to destroy compassion, moral truth, and justice for the chance to be saved. For the sake of the job. Comfort, instead of doing what is right. I always wondered why people in the past let dictators and evil groups turn their necks to ignore genocide and racism, but heck, even those you think are good, will trade it all for a coin. We are fallen, flawed humans, with a penchant for destruction, war, and hate. I don’t want to see another good one fall prey to the evil of the shadows, because they are in pain.

It’s ironic how we have been too arrogant in my culture to believe we could not fall as far as those of the past. We have progressed past those silly people of yore. Too long have ignored the power of an individualistic culture and problematic policies which seek to isolate, and haughtily believed would not get us one day.

Apathy and Fear. Don’t drink from their cup. We must cling to empathy, even on the days the weight of the world feels like it is going to break us in half. It wants to but it can’t because love conquers all things. Fear is a liar. It spends its time creating shadows that loom above, but will always disappear in the light. It’s not easy to care. But it is important that we stay the course in love, in empathy, and refuse let go of ethics. For without those, what do we have other than a mortal bag of bones and a never ending hamster wheel?

#76 – Boredom in 2025

The biggest trend I think I’ve seen this year is the sentiment that everything feels boring right now. Whether it is fashion, film, or books, the art of storytelling is supposedly dead. This phenomenon has even crept into my unpredictable and exciting world of K-pop, and up until yesterday, I’d say I agreed. But as I sit here, I would like to put forth a different thesis.

Escapism from the Super Massive Blackhole

What if everything feels boring because you are running on empty? This year was the first time since discovering K-pop in 2022 that I felt bored and indifferent to my favorite bands. Some of this was due to outside forces beyond my control, like controversies, military service, and straight-up evil in the case of Taeil. Yet, some of this boredom, I believe, was caused by how much I was leaning on these safe spaces to find joy when nothing felt joyful or safe. There has been a constant pulse of uncertainty, like tectonic tremors, making us all question the point of it all. There is such a dreary air. A hopelessness, especially in people my age and younger, who are not able to reach milestones due to broken systems. Since I discovered the band Stray Kids, I run to their music for a safe place. But in 2025, I had stretches of time where even SKZ had no appeal. I had listened to every release over and over again until even their most addictive tracks had no appeal. I couldn’t believe how much I was craving a new album until a week before Karma released. As the week progressed, I could feel a hunger for a happy distraction. This year has been the first time my usual pick-me-ups have felt numb, and I wonder if one prong of this boredom we seem to be feeling isn’t coming from this exact situation.

To be honest, I think this could be why K-pop Demon Hunters exploded in popularity; it was new and fun when things seemed darker than ever. Same thing with Twice and their Lollapalooza performance, it was a night where everything felt normal for a second.

Have I Entertained You?

This attention economy is reminding me of that iconic line from Gladiator, and I don’t like what it is doing to art, music, storytelling, fashion, all of it. There is no room to reflect and craft something beautiful. We are pushing things too fast. I’ve been reflecting on this for a while. I see commentary on trends, relating to fashion, which usually goes something like – there is nothing new, everything and nothing is trending, yada, yada, yada. Sprinkle in a bit about clothing quality from the past, and the brain rot of the algorithm, which is killing creativity and subcultures because of a curated vitality. Like it’s a beast unleashed upon modernity, instead of stopping to think critically about it.

It’s obvious after some consideration that making things for vitality is not the same as making something to stand the test of time. Modern romance novels are being created for TikTok vitality first, and quickly, to keep up with the lazy decision of publishing houses to invest in AI over true writers. We blame the current author pool for a lack of creativity instead of holding publishing houses accountable for ruining their reputation through unethical practices. Because, truly, as an author, why would you feel inspired to create a story like Jane Austen when this is the current state of publishing? You could make a true work of art, and be rejected because they would rather steal work to create the same story through AI, or the publisher doesn’t want to take a chance on a good story when the algorithm is fickle and shallow.

Boring People Are Bored

AI is doing exactly what I expected; lazy people are becoming lazier, except that it is currently being rewarded. We used to know how to entertain ourselves. We used to know how to create, enjoy, and take pleasure in things, but I think AI is a snare that is making people boring, and it doesn’t have to. AI is an easy way out of daily life. It can be a friend, a relationship you don’t have to nurture, but is hollow. It can create art, but you will have no artistic skill of your own as a result. It can write you a book, without telling a story. It can create a music video, like JUMP for Blackpink, without any effort from the actual talent, and create a nightmare image of Rose with Jungkook’s facial structure. Do you see the pattern? It’s like cheating your way through school; it produces nothing and wastes precious resources, like time, or in the case of AI, drinking water and electricity.

Cringe > Innovation

What I have seen as the most flagrant accusation of boredom has been the dissonance of innovation and cringe. Let’s take, for example, Ceremony. It’s a song that has no chorus until the end of the song. It’s layered, has high production value, and features something new for Stray Kids and boy band offerings. But what do I see online? It’s awful. Stray Kids are braggy and loud, no talent. K-pop is boring; everything sounds the same. Except, Stray Kids, it’s too experimental. No wait, it sounds like all their other songs, yawn….etc. How can we have the audacity to complain about being bored while we punish bands for taking risks? It’s not just Stray Kids, I have seen similar criticism being launched at Nmixx, NCT, Ateez, Twice, Aespa…the list goes on.

It’s no different when it comes to the world of fiber arts. People complain about how crochet and knitting are getting boring and want new things to make, because everyone is knitting the same things, yet don’t branch out from a few massive pattern makers, like Sari Noorland, Petite Knit, and Andrea Mowry, to name a few. There are so many smaller creators crafting joyful patterns that would disrupt the slump, but no one wants to stand out these days.

I think as this year enters its final act, we should decide what we value more: being entertained? Or being authentic? Do you want to truly discover something new? Do you want to dig deeper for something fresh? It requires us to act, to search, and to participate, because we are allowing ourselves to become boring people, and it is spreading across culture, where it will stay unless we choose to be interesting again. I get it. This year has been demoralizing, and it’s made me feel like giving up many times, but there is always a reason to keep going. What if your big idea is the thing that makes this dull and dreary world sparkle again? You could be the change we need, so stop scrolling and find something that ignites passion in your heart once again!

Letters Of Healing #2 – Letting It Out Is Important Too

I have a bad habit, I’ve acquired over the past few years: I bottle things up so people don’t leave me. Hi, I’m Magz and I have a problem. A two-prong issue, actually, I am not processing my feelings, and I am irrationally concerned about rejection. It’s not good. I was taught to believe by family and society that it was because of divorce, specifically placing the blame on my dad, and to be honest, I believed that for a long time. But that answer leaves all of us who have experienced that or who fear rejection in this weird pseudo-reality of things being out of our control, which doesn’t help. It turns the intensity up all while limiting personal growth. How can you move on if this is baked into your personality, right? I mean, everyone who knows your story will instantly know your flaws – your parent or parents “didn’t love you enough” to stick around. Yeah, this is a toxic bunch of nonsense.

So what has helped me get more clarity on this, honestly, is learning about what makes my mind tick and how I can work with myself to be healthier. For me specifically, learning about neurodivergence, and specifically the possibility of undiagnosed autism or adhd, has helped me understand that there might be more to my penchant for brutal honesty than just being an off-putting person or a bad person. It might be that my brain simply processes differently, yet because I want to fit in – masking, I fall into people-pleasing patterns to “fit in” with those around me. Similar to learning about high-masking autism in females, with adhd, there is a sensitivity to rejection and difficulty with emotional regulation that makes processing the rejection more difficult. I can see these in the ways I have interacted with people throughout my life, especially family members.

I get stuck in these camps of either feeling the need to be brutally honest, especially if I feel an emotional meltdown coming on from bottling everything up, or I clam up and shove it down, no matter how much it hurts to “please” the person. All this does is create a cycle of emotional repression, overwhelm, and meltdown behind the scenes. Loneliness, anger, bitterness, shame, fear of rejection, and pain. This is not what a healthy person looks like.

For too long, I’ve mistaken being “tough” with being healthy. It’s been the one-two punch of finding Elena Carroll’s reflective essays and watching Scrubs for these to start clicking in my brain. I find myself pinballing between being like Dr. Dorian, who lets people like Elliott walk all over him, and Dr. Cox, who shoves it all down and sinks into a pit of loneliness behind the shadows because dealing with my problems makes me feel uncomfortable.

My constant dysfunctional relationship, which gets more unhinged every year, my relationship with my mom is the place where I see all these problematic habits come to the surface. I will bottle something up for a decade, afraid of the confrontation, and then one day I will just explode about something else. To be fair, when I do blow up, it’s usually after my mom has contributed to my anger with a gem of guilt or a little nugget of criticism on some part of my personality. Like recently, I was told she was intentionally withholding her health updates after two concerning ER visits, because I am too “sensitive” to handle anything after I told her it has been scary thinking of being sick because I love her. Yep, I see where I have learned to shove everything down – you can’t be weak and express emotions, that’s for losers.

So where does that leave me? Well, I can either choose Option #1 – be honest about my frustrations and stand up for myself, which comes with consequences, Option #2 – bottle it up and fake a smile, all while my shoulders knit themselves into a stress knot and my jaw clenches like a bear trap, Option #3 – I avoid the relationship for months at a time and pretend like nothing happened. Lately, I’ve been thinking, why can’t I just be honest as it comes, instead of bottling up to the point where I am furious? I don’t live there anymore, there are no consequences for being honest gently, and in the moment that I disagree? That would be healthier, and somehow, over all these years, I forgot how to do this. Because adulthood is lonely. Grief is lonely. Sometimes that fear of rejection and people pleasing is all that you crave just to keep a relationship with a loved one steady, because you miss how easy it was when you were a kid.

I think health, though, might be more important than the illusion of peace, because I have not been managing stress well over the last ten years. My mental health took a toll, and so did my physical health. I’ve stored so much stress in my body, pretending I was happy about things that hurt me because I didn’t want to hear how I was different, not enough like my mom’s family, or weak for being sensitive, or a bad person for getting angry sometimes. I’ve had the same knot at the base of my neck for 5 years, which is not healthy at all. So what am I doing with all these revelations about who I am and what is healthy and what is not? I am slowly shifting through it. I’m taking space and a break from some of my more trying family relationships to get this stress worked out of my body and find my calm again. My husband, friends, and my beloved bun deserve better than for me to let things out of my control take a toll on my mental and physical health. Especially when they are the ones who pick up the pieces when I fall apart.

How do you manage stress? Do you struggle with people pleasing or bottling up emotions? Have people ever told you to change who you are to fit their standards?

I’m Sick of the Doom Spiral

I’m not really sure how long this post is going to be, but I wanted to speak out into the void today because there is far too much darkness hanging around, and it’s honestly eating me up. I’m disappointed in my own feeling of doom, and feeling hopeless when what I am feeling afraid of is shadows on the wall. Like the Cave allegory of Plato. I think C.S. Lewis’ work The Screwtape Letters does a magnificent job of adding a new layer to the allegory of the Cave, in my opinion. (They are not directly connected by anything other than my own musings.)

In my opinion, we are living, staring at the shadows, chained by things of our own choosing. The main one I would say is social media, and the 24-hour news cycle, which in concert is keeping us chained in our own prisons, by keeping us distracted. We are stuck dwelling in the never-ending waterfall of problems, and we don’t stop to think or to choose a problem to tackle; instead, we are thrown over the waterfall, and our peace is dashed against the rocks every day. If we would pause and breathe. Stop and consider, you realize that you can either continue being overwhelmed by the world, or you can take the chains of social media off. This thing that so easily entangles us and shuts down the ever-wailing news and its dribble of despair, to seek ways to fill your cup. Therefore, you can approach the troubles of the world with renewed eyes that have hope because we have hope from within. Not the human spirit but the Holy Spirit. I think we forget that we can do that and still care about the problems in front of us. We are not apathetic but proactive. Seeking more than what seems possible from all these voices shouting hate, doom, and fear. Are things broken? Very much so. But when have they been perfect?

The world is doomed. It has been doomed since the fall of man. Even though Jesus overcame the world, there is still no guarantee of a charmed life for believers. This place of fallen things is temporary, for the world will pass away someday. It doesn’t mean it is happening now. We all went through a collective world trauma in 2020, which compounded the daily things that make the world unfair, and it also opened our eyes to injustice in our midst. Just because we are more aware of the bad doesn’t mean that we can’t fight to fix it. But I think we need to do that offline. It’s a distraction. And I think Screwtape and Wormwood have a very easy job as long as we stay divided, isolated, and helpless online. The algorithm forces us to consume things at its pace, but that pace is a complex math equation, not the inner workings of millions of human minds, each made uniquely, that process, cope, and solve at our own pace.

For my fellow Americans specifically, if the Big Beautiful Bill is going to destroy America, I think we are looking with tunnel vision because of our own privilege. How many of our marginalized neighbors have endured far worse over the history of America, and they still have hope and have fought for a better future? I’m not falling for this propaganda anymore, and I’m also not supporting the workforce blackout either. We need supply lines, and we need to provide for ourselves. Protest with wisdom, not with sabotage in mind, because not having goods trucked in is going to hurt those most vulnerable in society, not the Senate or the Executive branch.

Finally, there are so many resilient cultures around the world that we could look up to right now for a reality check. All the countries deemed “3rd World” or developing nations. They are exploited every day by 1st world nations, and have for centuries been held down for the profit of the few. Do those people give up even though this is their reality every day? No. Against every odd, they provide for their families without help. We have help, and we cry poor and ignore their struggles and worry about our first-world inconveniences. We do this to the most vulnerable in our own country, too. Look at what’s going on in our communities due to ICE, the housing crisis, the cultural genocide of Native peoples, and African peoples through the slave trade. We have always had evil running things; this is not new. If America is ruined by the BBB, our foundation was always sinking sand. So don’t give this junk another moment of worry and focus on the big picture – how can we be the light of the world and the salt of the earth? And every day, let’s focus on the solid foundation freely given to everyone through the sacrifice of God’s son.

Sorry that this is a bit of a rant, I just needed to push back against the heaviness I feel pushing down on this lovely July day. Happy Canada Day! And stay strong. ❤

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