Tag: hope

Emotional Endurance, No Cap

What do you do when you need a break, but you can’t? I’ve been wrestling with this for months. It’s been a tricky thing to discuss on here, and without feeling ready to write without revealing too much, I have been spinning on it, to quote NMIXX.

Any time I feel overwhelmed, I take that space. But what if you can’t? Like what if the thing that is weighing on you is as interwoven in your life as a single thread in the warp and weft of your jeans? It’s a tricky one that I don’t think anyone has taught me; it’s just kinda hanging there. We struggle alone, because we are human.

Relationship University

I’ve been thinking alone, pondering my frustrations, my overwhelm, my weariness for a break because I am a neurodivergent, deep-feeling, overthinker. It does not come easy to me to pause, to force my mind to stop and breathe. It’s something I wish we had learned in school. Any of the schooling – elementary, high school, or college? How wonderful would it be to learn about emotional intelligence and algebra? Traumatic stress coping mechanisms and world history? What about grammar and proper communication tools to de-escalate a tense argument? Literally would be life-changing. Meditation with a side of physical education? We mostly played soccer(football) because it was cheap, and it was monotonous. Both Kyle and I would feel less we are drowning in the complications of personal struggles if we had an education in relationships.

We did the brief marriage counseling, sure, which I guess prepares you for marriage? I think getting through the first year is truly what teaches you the most. (We are a few months away from celebrating ten, so we do have some experience.) We also had the years of friendship experiences, some previous dating experiences, and the lifelong knowledge of being part of families – but they don’t prepare you for the stress that comes with multiple, personal struggles that you and your spouse sometimes have to tackle all at the same time, meanwhile life keeps moving forward, and you feel like a hamster in a wheel.

Burnt Out, Like Toast In Obsidian Crumbs

What I felt the most since these stressful situations began to weigh on Kyle and me was the desire to hit pause and process what I was feeling while the world held still. You know? Just a moment, where you could feel without the expectation to be who you are and do the things others depend on you for. Even the little things, you depend on yourself to do. Of course, that feeling grows to a desire to stop the world for days, and escape to a zone where the stressful things can’t bother you. A yearning for the before and a hunger for the after, this is all resolved and back to normal. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the big emotions of personal things that you forget to have fun together. You forget to just be yourself. It’s a bizarre version of your life that doesn’t feel familiar, and I think after months of feeling like this, 2025 ended with me feeling chewed up and angry.

So why do we pretend like this is a normal state of being a responsible adult? Like if I hadn’t decided to stop drinking alcohol in 2021, this season would have been months of riding out a buzz, ignoring my problems, and choosing unhealthy coping mechanisms. Subbing in a source of temporary joy, depending on a thing or a feeling to get you through, is avoiding the inevitable mess that upset you in the first place. But I think this is the box we put ourselves in as adults, to stop from appearing weak or vulnerable. Substitute a drink for a shopping haul, sports betting, s*x, doom scrolling – what I’m talking about is far more common than we admit. So why do I feel so alone in this feeling?

It is still my present burden to bear, Kyle’s present burden to bear. Contrary to the calendar, your problems on Dec 31 are still there when you wake up on Jan 1. Doesn’t that suck? I felt myself wishing more than ever at the end of 2025 that the “fresh start” effect was real. Because life requires emotional endurance with no cap. That is quite difficult for us humans to do. It requires patience, hope, faith, self-control, gentleness, and love. We grow weary, we hide our struggles like they are something to be ashamed of, instead of a common part of life. We are odd creatures. That’s why I decided to share this, because I don’t think we discuss this enough, and I plan to talk about it more.

Marriage is hard, in more ways than I could even comprehend, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible. As we are both kids of divorce, we stubbornly refuse to address the stress that is negatively affecting our relationship because to do so feels like we are already failing, but that’s not true. So I’m writing this for you, the one who feels the weight of their parents’ divorce on all of their relationships, like a curse you are inevitably going to repeat. It’s not true. Keep going and stop bracing for the bottom to drop out, like I waste time waiting for. We are survivors, and we are going to make it through the mess.

#74 – Ain’t That Just the Way

So this week started off amazing. My mom and I began finding a healthy way forward, for real this time. Nothing shoved under the rug to deal with later. No festering. No harsh talk, instead patience, love, realness. It was truly an answer to prayer that I learned, required me to put into action what I was feeling.

I journaled all my raw feelings, and sat with what these words on paper showed me – I wanted more. I wanted realness, and nothing less. We each reaches this point at the same time, and it got better. Over last week, it got much better. Kinder. I even spent time with her on Sunday.

Monday morning though, life decided things were too good. Our family dog, Sully, became extremely sick. He had been dealing with some health issues over the past year, but it fell apart over night. He died on Tuesday. I am heartbroken, but crying together with my mom instead of on own like we did for other big losses.

I think the most challenging part of losing a pet is that sense of home you associate with them. He was my safe place for 14 years, all of my adulthood so far, and his steady love will always be missed.

Have you lost a pet? What helped you heal? I’m going to try to get back on track with writing next week, but yeah, life just keeps getting weirder, everyday.

Reclaiming the Calm

As I mentioned in The Rewards and Scars of Setting Healthy Boundaries, I am on a journey to let go of the cortisol and tension I have unknowingly stored in my body. I didn’t realize I was doing this, possibly for decades now, because I don’t feel my feelings I bury them, which I’m working on. The only time I think I wasn’t doing this was during my sophomore and junior years in college when I was doing yoga practice, deep breathing, and trying to get to know myself. Which sounds odd, but was a great way to get through a broken heart.

Emotional Unintelligence

The hows and whys of the broken heart are a bit complicated but I was muddling through the after-effects of a situation ship. Why a situation ship? Well, I believe I was doing anything and everything to feel something, because I buried the heartbreak I felt at the end of high school, realizing my dad had missed my entire childhood and turning 18 meant that child support, the only string connecting us was severed. I didn’t know where he was and if I would see him again. It turns out I did see him again and would be moving to the same town as him five years later, another story for another day. Life is wild.

Anyways, coming out of high school the weight of that broken heart was so much I didn’t know what to do with it. There was so much emotion, so much tension and confusion, in my mind and body that I didn’t understand so my brain freaked out and gave me my first taste of anxiety, depression, and panic. It was a lot. During this time I also lost my ability to cry. I went totally numb which was unnerving, but at the time I was happy at least I wasn’t overwhelmed by my emotions anymore. The downside was that I felt nothing.

I’m Chuck Bass

I didn’t like that. I’m a highly sensitive person, an artistic soul, and feeling is how I understand the world around me. I wanted to feel like myself again. Here’s where the mess began – I decided to go into dating in college in this incredibly unhealthy mindset. These casual relationships were doomed from the start. It couldn’t grow into something real because I wasn’t emotionally available. Which opened the door for the worst relationship type in my opinion the situationship. It was the exact opposite of what my personality needs or wants but hey, I couldn’t feel anything so how hurt could I get?

Blown Up Life

Yeah, this blew up in my face. Once I came out of this situationship and this time of emotional numbness, I realized that I had completely blown up my life. Close relationships that I had from high school were not there. I had not invested in good friendships and community in my college life either by not seeking it out or ditching out on friends who could have been healthy supportive people, because I was scared of these friendships. It was a mess. I was so lonely. I had to get to know myself because there was no one else. I also didn’t know myself anymore. Who was this numb person I had been? Who is this new person who feels, but also feels lost and lonely?

There was so much I needed to understand about myself before I could be a good friend again or try dating once more. I didn’t know where I was going, or who I wanted to be as an adult. There was so much change in a short time. It was time to pause, slow down, and spend time doing the work to find this new person within the closed-off shell.

Meeting A Healthier Me

During this time I became independent for the time. I started going to the coffee shop by myself and learned to be okay on my own, which was wild. This is a skill I’ve forgotten how to do. I let myself be alone with my thoughts, it was a rough road to get there. This time alone started with a season of insomnia, where there was no choice but to be by myself, and now I realize spent time alone with God even though I wasn’t focused on this at the time. I discovered new shows like Fruits Basket, Trigun, Firefly, and Vikings. I also began thinking seriously about what I wanted in life with this new scenario. I didn’t end up going to fashion school or doing the Fashion Business major I was supposed to create with my advisor. I found myself drawn to fashion history through the creative sandbox of one cool professor who gave us the freedom to explore our interests.

I also started doing yoga and learning to train my mind and my breathing to keep going when my body and mind were tangled up in knots from the stress and trauma of life. It was the first time I think I was doing exercise for exercise itself not for a job like paint crew or campus mail delivery for the mailroom, which were both pretty physical. My campus was old and full of hills and stairs, so many stairs.

2020s Version of Numb

As life goes on, things repeat. Life changed again and I got busy. I stopped practicing these healthy habits into post-grad and getting married which was dumb on my part. I got healthier but I don’t think I got wiser. So I find myself now relearning how to find healthy balance and healthy habits to rid myself of the tension and wild mind that has trapped me in a prison of my own making.

How do I find my way out? My plan is to reflect and discuss that process here as I go through this journey of self-discovery again because I think this is something we all face and I wish I had known more about emotional health when I was younger. There are a lot of things that kept that from being something I understood. We don’t always have the most emotionally mature parents and I think it’s hard to talk about. I hope you’ll join me on this little adventure.

Kindness in a Heatwave: Light of Life

Today we’re having one of those, I hope, last big temperature swings up into the 90 degrees Fahrenheit for the season. I’ve always struggled in the heat, I get heat-sick pretty easily and feel like I’m in a fog. This is why living in coastal Georgia was never going to work no matter how cool the people were or how beautiful the scenery. But it wasn’t until this summer that I considered what would I do without access to a shower, or a steady supply of clean water to drink?

Light of Life Rescue Mission has opened my eyes to this. This summer the mission, through the leadership of Rev. Jerrel T. Gilliam, has been working to draw attention to the homeless community in Pittsburgh and what they are experiencing in the waves of heat without having the amenities and resources many of us, me included take for granted.

Hope and Love Transform Communities

This mission is based in Pittsburgh, PA. I first learned of the mission through my teachers at school who would lead drives to collect hygiene items and socks to distribute to men experiencing homelessness in our nearby city of Pittsburgh. The mission has now expanded to offer assistance to men, women, and children experiencing homelessness through their Street Outreach Team and shelter locations within the city. The mission started in 1952 as a soup kitchen and has expanded to include a men’s shelter, a food pantry, a women’s and children’s shelter, a recovery place, and a free clothing store.

The mission came again on my radar while watching the Kindness Diaries when host Leon is hosted by a man who is experiencing homelessness, who offers him a place to stay at the mission. How incredible is that? It’s like the widow’s offering.

At the time I was experiencing a time of financial insecurity. I was about to go through a season that could have led to being without a roof over my head. Without the privilege of family members to help me until I could get back on my feet, I’m not sure where I would have been. This season of life changed me dramatically. It changed how I saw the world.

It broke my heart for the members of my community who are not as fortunate to have family and need people to step up into the gap and help. I was determined, that once I got through this period I wanted to support this mission through financial contribution and I have done this. And by supporting this mission, I’ve continued to learn how much kindness and generosity change everything.

Of course, because I am a flawed human I got distracted by work once I was back to being employed and lost a few years in my own world, but thankfully God was relentless in putting this on my heart. I’m grateful for His willingness to not give up on us even when we are unfaithful workers.

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

Mark 12:41-44 NIV

The simple yet impactful work of the Street Outreach Team to go out daily conduct wellness checks, and distribute water, food, and hygiene items within the homeless encampments in Pittsburgh makes a huge difference. Inviting people back to the mission and doing this every day – this is how we make a difference.

It’s about remembering people who go unseen in our individualistic and capitalist society and showing up for them every day. It shirks the standard, the lie that if you don’t have financial means or stuff you don’t matter.

Yeah, it’s sick. But it is modern society. Actually, it’s always been a part of our societies from Victorian workhouses to the beggars at the gates in the Bible, it’s a human problem to ignore those in our world who need community the most.

We Will Not Be Shaken

When the city of Pittsburgh decided to clear out homeless encampments by force, Light of Life stood up to challenge the approach of the city officials and make them consider the root cause of the problem, the systemic problem, instead of ignoring the problem.

Like many cities around the United States, Pittsburgh is experiencing rising homelessness within the population. Some of this is due to the housing crisis, but also the affordability of housing is changing within the city, and there is an unaddressed drug problem on the rise that is not being dealt with. Addiction and homelessness can go hand in hand, so why not address the addiction problem too?

This is what Light of Life offers at their rescue mission in addition to dignity, community, and a way forward for families and individuals who are struggling to uplift them and equip them for the bright and secure futures they can have. It’s about hope.

I think too often we overlook how much mental health can wreck our lives.

When I was struggling to find steady employment after college, I felt depressed and anxious because I was working hard to find a job but the jobs simply didn’t exist. I was living frugally but I still had to give up my apartment and move back in with my mom because I ran out of money.

I was incredibly depressed during this season and I isolated myself due to my embarrassment when I really needed people to talk to about these feelings to be able to move forward. This is what the work of the Light of Life Rescue Mission aims to do, by challenging the culture, to show up for our neighbors instead of ignoring them in their time of need.

I believe this mindset is what we need in our world, more than ever after the worldwide trauma of 2020, and how that disconnected us all. We need to bring our sense of community back instead of isolating ourselves behind technology or accumulating things to feel little hints of joy. We need each other. We need true joy, hope, love, and peace.

Most importantly, we need to remember that people deserve dignity. To think beyond our little spheres. It’s a daily challenge for me, I get so wrapped up in my stuff, and that’s not what is important. Like remembering that heat waves or cold weather can have severe consequences for those in our communities who are living without. So as the summer sizzles on and we look to the cold ahead, how can we all make a difference for those around us who need support?

It’s Not Busy Work, it’s Motivation in the Chaos

When I was a kid and honestly, into adulthood, I thought studying the Bible and understanding the entire story, the nooks and crannies of the book that get skipped over, well I thought it was a lot of busy work that I wanted no part of. Especially after those four years of academia, no thanks.

But then I saw people in my life, who did spend all that time being consistent in the Word have much less stress and worry, despite stressful and difficult things. It didn’t make sense to me. I just thought they were more mature than me or could handle life better, as each stress and challenge KO-ed me into a tailspin of anxiety. Maybe they were lucky? Tougher?

They might be, but honestly, since I decided to try their method and read the entire Bible from 2020-2021, I felt like I had a new well of examples to draw on when life got hairy. A reminder of God’s promises to think about instead of comparing my circumstances to others and questioning why this bad lot was happening to me. It sparked the faith and hope for a tomorrow that sustained me through the past two months.

It wasn’t an instantaneous change. I didn’t realize I had made progress until I put work in. Like with everything in life, building faith, learning to hope, and having a scriptural reminder to lean on during the tough days took effort and consistency. Like a workout plan, a garden, language learning, etc. It all takes time and practice. I think that is why there is such an emphasis on perseverance and courage in the Bible because in those moments that test us faith, hope, and peace arrive because you have taken the time to immerse yourself in the manner in which God does things.

It’s motivation in the chaos when nothing makes sense and even you are second-guessing your own choices. For example, the eclipse, which I mentioned before I wasn’t a fan of, but in the moment of the totality, unless you have the knowledge of astronomy to understand that the sun isn’t actually disappearing, it just appears blocked because of the orbit of the earth around the sun perfectly lining up with the orbit of the moon at the right time. Although I knew that was happening, the eerie feeling of the sun ceasing to shine in the middle of the day was bizarre! I knew it would come back and the eclipse would only last a few minutes, there was that little voice in the back of my head that was whispering doubt that everything wouldn’t be okay and the sun would get lost back there, maybe take a wrong turn.

That little voice of doubt lives in all of us. It comes out at the most inconvenient times! It has arrived and set up camp in my head through this whole house debacle. Through all the chaos, I was spending time in prayer but I was struggling to find time to sit down with God’s word and find new motivation. As a believer, reading the Bible is a source of refreshment, it feels like listening to a song which amps you up, I also do that too. (My current favorite is WORK by Ateez). I was worried through all the chaos that not spending time in God’s word would lead to me running out of gas and losing my heart to carry on.

In a recent post, I spoke to where I’ve been but all the chaos of our landlord’s decision to sell the house we lived in and offer us a sketchy deal on it was just the half of it, as we were looking for peace from her lack of boundaries and decorum, we were also looking for a new place to live. There were days when my landlord would dump a whole bunch of stress on my shoulders and then personally the details for our new house would throw down hurdles of chaos. Endless paperwork, the possibility of it not being possible at all, and having to find a new plan, it was a lot and I was surprised in those moments how scripture passages of encouragement from Psalms and Proverbs or stories of struggle by real people in the Bible would find their way into my mind. It would reinvigorate my drive to keep going. It kept me from quitting in frustration.

As a kid, things with my dad leaving us at an early age reinforced this narrative in my head that I didn’t deserve happiness or that the other shoe would always drop. Even though God provided a better life than I would have ever had with my narcissistic and verbally abusive dad, instead of focusing on the good, my brain has fixed on the bad. I have given up on so many hard things in life because I hit a bump in the road and just thought it was what I deserved. It sounds so silly to say it out loud. By digging into the Word over the past four years, that time of study has assisted me in pushing that voice down, in order to reframe what God has in store for me.

Things will probably get bad, over and over again. This world is fallen and can really suck sometimes. There will be jerks but there will also be good people. In life there will be times of joy and sadness, there will also be times of hardship. One setback is just a setback, not a lifestyle. I wish I had pursued studying the Bible sooner because I think there was a lot of peace available in my life that I refused to acknowledge. I did it the hard way, alone. It didn’t need to be like that.

Even if you are not a person of faith, I hope this encourages you to prioritize your mental health so that you will have a deep well to draw from on those hard days. You are not alone. I think you are awesome. ❤

Easter Traditions and Celebrating the Resurrection

For a while now, during Easter Week, I feel a bit like Charlie Brown, and like unsatisfied Chuck, I’ve been doing some thinking. Why does it feel like however I’m celebrating Easter that year, it’s just not exactly enough or appropriate for the gravity of what Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Resurrection Sunday truly represent?

Tradition!

Some of this feeling is my fault as I have changed churches a lot and gone through big moves and stretches of not knowing where to attend for a complex of reasons. That being said, I remember as a kid the feeling of joy and exaltation that filled the house from Palm Sunday on when I lived my grandparents. There was the music, a 1995 Easter cantata that my Grandma would play while baking tea rings, a Swedish wreath shaped pastry, for us and the whole neighborhood. It was a tea ring factory filled with music that told the story of Jesus’ triumphal entry, his walk to the Cross, his death and Resurrection, as told from different perspectives of witnesses.

My grandparents, I see now as an adult, gave me an example of balance for this holiday, because it wasn’t somber and it wasn’t trivialized into a holiday about bunnies and chocolate with a splash of Jesus. There was genuine joy, faith, and love for others expressed. Grandma would usually play piano at church on one of the Sunday services and Papa would help serve communion as part of his duties as a church Elder. He and I would enjoy the Easter chocolate after service and my extended family and friends would come over after church for a meal. There was usually a small candy egg hunt for me and my cousins too.

Since then two things have changed in my experience of Easter – the absence of family for those traditions and the absence of faith in our Easter celebrations.

When my mom got remarried I experienced my first Easter holiday where believing Easter was about Jesus was weird. My new family were and are some of the nicest people I’ve met and yet, this day was so weird because I’m not exactly sure what we were celebrating? As they grew up in the church but had moved away from the faith into adulthood and raised my cousins without any context of Jesus, it was an odd day, full of love and great memories, but a bit hollow? It was eye opening in a good way of the bigger context of the world and how not everyone believes the exact same things as you but you can still get along. It was a point of maturity for sure and put this ache in my heart for the old holidays with my grandparents.

The weirdest of these experiences for sure has been the holiday with traditions but without family. Do traditions matter if there is no one to share them with? It’s a weird place to think through because you don’t want to lose your family traditions, but like, you can’t help feeling like its dead without the rest of the family to share with. And this is not because my family all died, no just my grandparents did, and my extended family on that side lives within a 10 mile drive of each other. They simply have no interest in getting along anymore and have just dropped our family connection because of silly disagreements and its sad. Being on the receiving end of it it honestly feels like crap. There have been holidays I have absolutely dreaded because of this and its taken time to start to be okay with the new normal of being an island.

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Something that has helped me move forward to a new normal has been to focus on what the holiday is actually about – Jesus’s death and resurrection so that we can have salvation from our sins and become a new creation in Him. In doing this I found myself ironically back at the same problem, no matter how I celebrate this day it doesn’t feel like enough. Until yesterday while I was doing dishes and was daydreaming, I thought about something I think is profound.

I think the reason this holiday in the United States feels a bit flat is because this day represents a moment in humanity that is a bit bigger than just a day of remembrance. It’s a day where I want to give thanks to God for sending his son to do this amazing work of redemption. It was the ultimate gift that I have received. It symbolizes a new start and also a day of freedom and independence from my sin. It is essentially four of our major holidays rolled into one – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the Juneteenth/4th of July. Because of this I’m not sure if I will ever feel truly satisfactory with how I celebrate this holiday. I don’t think its possible and that’s okay. And potentially how the Reformed Presbyterian church (as much as my Wesleyan mind grumbles giving Calvinism the nod here) is right and celebrating the resurrection every Sunday is the most satisfactory.

So I guess my point here from all my rambling is that I miss my family, I wish they would come back but if they don’t its okay because there are others who love me that may not share my beliefs and the ultimate point of this holiday is not ham, candy, or pastry, it’s the resurrection and what we do with this fresh start. Giving in love of our time and our resources to bless others with what we have to continue what Jesus started almost 2000 years ago. He is risen! He is risen, indeed.

Winter Light

A jolt of life. A bright, warm, hope!

Vast blue sky, a wash of cerulean lifts above my head.

All worries, fade. Care melts from my shoulders.

A hope for tomorrow! Truth breaks through the lies.

Darkness lasts for a moment but life springs forth

to sunshine’s embrace. A welcome friend.

You comfort my soul and invigorate my mind!

Welcome home, welcome back, bright, blue sky.

Proverbs 17:17

I have this new widget on my phone, the verse of the day, and what I love about this new widget is that I can’t accidentally close out the notification like I can with the Bible App’s push notification. I’ve done that so many times by accident and it frustrates me because I like having the verse of the day reminder at the top of my phone. Why do you ask? These verse-of-the-day notifications are sometimes like a voice in the wilderness, paraphrasing Isaiah 40:3. It cuts through the chaos, the world’s inhumanity, and all that life throws at us. It reminds me to stop and remember who stands beside me through every moment – Jesus.

Today’s verse of the day is a verse I remember from childhood, it was the theme verse of my Bible cover. It was shortened to include the first phrase of the sentence – “a friend loves at all times” and featured a cartoon-style illustration of a group of kids with their arms around each other like they were posing for a photo. They were united in love for one another. I liked that case because it reminded me that I could feel the fellowship I longed for being an only child with my friends. I could get a taste of the community my friends and cousins had instead of feeling like the odd one out.

It wasn’t until much later, it could easily be my Bible read-through in 2020-2021, that I understood there was more to the verse. There is more to this verse, and the entire second half of a sentence that fills me with emptiness not because I am an only child, but understanding what the verse means – family united. Recently there has been a lot of family in my life again and it has taken me some time to get used to having people around again.

In the last ten years, my family has seemed more like Coyote to my Road Runner.

There has been a lot of betrayal, suspicious decisions, and big divides. When I read that verse this morning I was struck by how I associate friends with the security of family and family with the cloak of the adversary in my life. The villain mostly instead of the place I run to. Am I really that jaded? Cause that sounds jaded and not like a person in a healthy place. I shouldn’t be scared of family, but I am. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to be let down.

A longtime friend and I just ended our friendship and the weirdest part about the whole thing has been the rollercoaster of emotions flooding my mind. I feel grief like she died, but she didn’t our relationship did. I feel like I lost my sister, but ironically what sent me running for the hills in our disagreement was how much she began to remind me of my sister, my dad’s youngest. We have different moms. We have a lot of baggage and the relationship is quite toxic.

In the final days of our friendship, I was freaked out once I saw how much our friendship had grown into a toxic state mirroring my relationship with my sister. The crossover from a safe friendship to a toxic family dynamic frightened me. Ironically since we had to part ways because we couldn’t seem to right our problems, I have been grieved about losing a “sister” figure in that friendship. Even though the friendship was unhealthy for a long time, I felt a sisterhood with her because she wasn’t actually related to me, and I overlooked the ways we were unhealthy for each other because it is safer to cling to this faux-sister thing than to leave it behind. I completely wish my friend well and want her to find a support system that works better for her because the toxic dynamic that we brought out in each other was no good for anyone.

And yet, I find myself feeling like that little kid again with the Bible cover hoping I find a new community even though I do have a community right in front of me, but some of that community involves family. I’m definitely supposed to learn something here.

So, why am I sharing all this? When I saw this verse pop up on my widget I was struck by how serious this is for our communities and our world. Family should not be the ones who hurt us, but they can and they do, on varying levels of seriousness, some being very, very serious levels. God gave us the structure of family and of friendship. They are inherently good things. But we use them for bad because we are fallen humans. We are capable of creating unrepairable damage, where I stand with several family members and it sucks knowing that we may never be able to repair this on Earth.

I think being a Peacemaker, as God calls us to be is more than just finding reconciliation, I think it’s also about filling those gaps in society. Some people have family members who have done evil things and their actions and continued choices have made it impossible to reconcile on Earth as it stands, it’s all in God’s hands for now. Being a peacemaker does not mean forcing insincere apologies, or forcing families back into dangerous, even deadly situations. Being a peacemaker challenges us to bring God’s kingdom here. To love, to comfort, to fill the gaps, and to show who God is and what He freely gives to us all if we accept Him. None of us have earned it or deserve it and that’s not the point. The point is to glorify God and allow Him to transform our lives and our world. Being a willing vessel is what is important.

I was watching a documentary last night called Jonathan & Jesus, it’s on Amazon Prime, and in it, Jonathan Roumie met with the leader of Civil Righteousness, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, and spoke about what being a peacemaker is and I was struck by how much daily myself and the world around me misses the point of what that means. Especially for me, I think of my family. It’s like we have divorced ourselves from acknowledging that is part of the Christian life. But in the early church, Christians were the peacemakers, the outposts of hope in dire situations like plagues. There are a lot of things, I remembered, that we are missing the plot about. Some days it feels overwhelming to think about creating change, even in my own life not just in my community, or my country.

This verse of the day really humbled me. The documentary humbled me. The words of Jonathan Roumie, Brandon Flowers, Alice Cooper, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, Francis Chan, etc humbled me. But also filled me with hope and purpose. A reset. I’m resetting a lot this month, I guess between my schedule and my focus. That’s why I love the verse of the day, God speaks through this app and through documentaries, His voice is everywhere as long I listen.

Matthew 27 & Isaiah 25

This post is a little late, Resurrection Sunday was over two weeks ago, but hey, at least I made it before Pentecost so that’s a win right? Anyways, this year as we went into the week of remembrance of Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Silent Saturday, and Resurrection Sunday my Bible reading coincided with a study of Isaiah.

If you’re unfamiliar with the book of Isaiah, it is a book from the Old Testament that contains prophecies about the coming Messiah, Jesus. During Jesus’ life and ministry, Isaiah is quoted 21 times, and referenced throughout the New Testament a total of 85 times. It is an important text! This is my second proper study of Isaiah, my first being when I read through the entire Bible, this time around I have been taking it slow, and meditating on the text. Letting the significance of the words steep in my mind.

Since watching The Chosen, the gospels have come alive. Dallas Jenkins and Angel Studios’ intentionality to portray scripture, adhering to the text and historical details bring the story to life. The Chosen has challenged me to approach my Bible studies not as just a familiar thing I do. With the text being known well so I tend to go into auto-pilot mode, which is a blessing to know scripture but as we know it can be a barrier to learning.

If you are wondering why I am not calling it Easter, Easter originates from a pagan fertility festival that was co-opted by the Catholic Church to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus by the Council of Nicea in 325 AD. In North America, I find it to be a weird holiday. I’ve celebrated Easter Sunday before with family that staunchly refuses to acknowledge Jesus and that gave me a different perspective on Easter. Now I do recognize the connection to Passover, and would much rather celebrate Passover leading into Resurrection Sunday, than a bunch of Spring symbols and bunnies, although I do love bunnies. But they are a distraction and this year, I desired as little distractions as possible.

The Chosen has challenged me to remember this is a real story, to understand that Jesus my redeemer and friend, sacrificed himself not just for me but for the whole world. It is the most incredible event in human history and for too long I have not recognized that. I have been distracted by North American culture downplaying it whether that is in the church or the spectacle that is the bombardment of advertising campaigns to make me dwell on Reese’s Eggs instead of death being defeated.

First and foremost the Bible is an account of real people and the work of the Almighty God who is still working now, so when it happened to be that I was reading Isaiah 25 on Good Friday, the same day I planned to re-read Matthew 27 to remember Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, there was this incredible sense of purpose between this pairing that excited me because I knew it wasn’t fate, it was an opportunity for God to teach me more. And He did indeed. If you look at the text below in Isaiah 25: 7-9 you can see a key moment prophecies that would come to be in Matthew 27:45-54.

And he will swallow up on this mountain the covering that is cast over all peoples,
    the veil that is spread over all nations.  He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
    and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
    for the Lord has spoken. It will be said on that day,
    Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
    This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
    let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.

Isaiah 25:7-9

Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land  until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” And some of the bystanders, hearing it, said, “This man is calling Elijah.” And one of them at once ran and took a sponge, filled it with sour wine, and put it on a reed and gave it to him to drink.  But the others said, “Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to save him.”

 And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.

And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised, and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many. When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, “Truly this was the Son of God!”

Matthew 27: 45-54

The hope of death being swallowed up so the veil, or symbolic barrier in the Holy of Holies (in the Temple and Tabernacle) would no longer be needed. The veil or curtain marking the entrance to the Holy of Holies kept God’s presence separate from the people because of sin. God is righteous and just, because of this our sin separates us from the intimacy Adam and Eve had in the garden when they walked with God. But God desired this intimacy with us again, and we desire it too, and so through Jesus’ sacrifice for the sins of the world (past, present, and future) on the cross provided the ultimate sin offering to move us from the Old Covenant of the Law of Moses to the New Covenant in Christ Jesus where the curtain is no longer needed.

How cool is that?! And God planned this from the beginning. Isaiah spoke of this coming redemption before the exile even happened. From the beginning of the story in Genesis 3, God was already referencing the coming redemption:

I will put enmity between you and the woman,
    and between your offspring and her offspring;
he shall bruise your head,
    and you shall bruise his heel.

Genesis 3:15 ESV

This Good Friday, I felt a deeper sense of sorrow than ever before reading the account of Jesus’ death. In the past year, I have desired to know Him, and have Him be my confidant, my friend. Because of The Chosen, as I have mentioned before, I can’t wait to see Jesus in person. I can’t wait to hug Him. With this great sorrow, there has been an even greater joy in knowing that even the idea of spending time with Jesus in Heaven is because of the sorrow. His death was necessary to swallow up death forever and resurrection was necessary to be able to rejoice in the salvation of our Redeemer. All in all, I have found more excitement in this season than I have before because I know how much it means. Thank you, Jesus!

#11 – The Battle

When I began drawing close to the Lord and leaning on Him, I knew it would be a journey of hills and valleys. The highs have been transformative, and life-giving. I did not expect how much spiritual warfare would affect my day-to-day life! This battle feels endless some days.

I’m not sure if it was naivety or purely immaturity but growing up I thought only “important” people experienced this like heroes of faith in the Bible or spiritual leaders in the modern day, I missed the point that just like the Bible was created for everyone, the stumbling blocks that try to steal our peace affect everyone. Looking at it objectively it makes sense if spiritual warfare literally fights against us growing the Kingdom of God, and we as believers are all members of it, it would affect us all. Sometimes I feel like the church in North America doesn’t address this enough. We get bogged down in the good things, the prosperity, and an inflated sense that things will go right in our lives because “God is on our side, who can be against us” you know the message. It wasn’t until I dug deeper into conversations with my fellow sisters in Christ that I realized no, this is not the case, we are all in a constant battle against discouragement.

One of my friends has lived outside North America most of her life where she experienced a much different kind of spiritual warfare in places where the air felt heavy with darkness. The battle was evident and was at the forefront of their minds and it grew perseverance, most importantly awareness that it is happening! Even though it is invisible to the eye, we need to be awake and alive in Christ. Not complacent. She brought to my attention the importance of prayer – praying over your house, praying over your co-workers, your relationships, etc. We need that lifeline to the Lord to fight the battle for us. I heard so often at school and at home – put on the full armor of God! To not face down scary things without first stopping to put on the full armor of God. But what does this mean? I was so puzzled by this.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

My grandparents recited this scripture to me when I was feeling discouraged or scared of things, I would listen and yet didn’t get what they were telling me. To be honest, I’m not sure I understood the importance of armor until watching Star Wars. In my mind, the armor seemed like a great way to carry a weight on me and be weighed down by the protection, which is funny because I must have thought a lot of my own strength because my approach sounds like I believe I am so powerful I could go into battle like a Jedi. I am not a Jedi, I’m a battle droid. “Roger. Roger. Stand down- oh no I’m *crash, bang, splat*. ” I love those guys, but they are not capable.

Mando is capable, and so are Boba and Jango Fett. They have weapons, helmets, spaceships, and even jet packs to get them out of trouble. Most importantly they know how to use all the resources in front of them and have practiced their use so that they know how to fight against any enemy. Yet, Mando and Boba Fett are not the same capable warriors without their armor, just like we are not capable nor prepared for the ongoing battle if we do not seek God’s armor. Still, what does the spiritual armor look like in practice?

In my experience, I feel the armor of God on me when I prepare with a few key things. I am well-versed in God’s promises. I don’t even need a song to remind me of what I already know and when I feel challenged by the enemy the promise immediately comes to mind that defeats whatever lies the enemy is trying to sell. I am spending consistent time in God’s word so that I am familiar with how this story ends, the enemy is already defeated and when I forget that, that is when he has power. But when I remember and hold fast to the fact that Jesus died and rose again so that death was defeated and my sins were forgiven, I cannot be bullied by the shame of my past mistakes and cannot be convinced that God does not care. He does care about us, more than anyone on earth possibly can because He is God and no one else is more powerful than Him. I am also well-steeped in worship music so much so that it is the soundtrack of my day. With hope filling my ears, and promises in my heart I am almost there. I am abiding in the Spirit who is guiding my heart and mind from dwelling on things that are not honoring to God, I am working to combat my sinful nature to reflect God’s character in the world instead of my own. I am spending time in prayer consulting God and not the world. I am also confiding my struggles with fellow believers, true friends who can encourage me and pray for me when I am struggling.

Most importantly, I remember that under the helmet there is just a human being underneath the armor. Just like Mando, is just a man. That I am not my own strength, God is. Because I cannot do things on my own, I must remain humble and dependent on God.

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