Tag: friendship

Individuals Without Individuality

What does it mean to be an individual? Are you a person? A sum among parts? An island? A unique person, maybe? What does it mean to do things individually? What does individuality mean to an individual? I really wish this word, and its forms, weren’t so tricky to spell with my slightly dyslexic mind (not formally diagnosed, but it runs in the family). It’s a lot to digest, but this has probably been stewing in my mind for the past year, waiting for me to plate it up.

My culture is incredibly individualistic, and this is expressed in good ways and bad. One good way is that my country is a land of immigrants and indigenous people, meaning there are voices, ideas, and ways of doing things. But when there are people, there are forces of wanting to fit in, wanting to control and suppress, and prescribed ideas of the “best” way. I think this has been at the forefront of my mind because I see a vast amount of content being shared online saying originality is dead, or personal style has been killed by the algorithm. We are all core-ified or aesthetically boxed in, and social media has commodified subcultures. But it’s the internet, critiquing the internet, so we’re of course using broad, and extreme brushstrokes here.

Where my mind has drifted to is the sameness. I see people online discussing the boringness of everything from movies to the same cosmetic procedures, the bland landscape of interior design, and starter pack cliches for “types” of women. There is a sea of Petite Knit patterns, a galaxy of Marvel media that repeat the same formula, reboot television, and romantic tropes pushed by publishers and BookTok to make everything fit nicely in the digital marketing ecosystem. Then we fall into nostalgia, like recession pop, which I found myself listening to the other day, reminiscing about my first summer as a member of Geneva’s painting crew in 2010. Thinking about how different life was before I even had a Facebook.

What we talked about and the memories I made with the women and men of my team were tangible, not digital. We discovered what we liked based on environmental forces, like books assigned in school, books suggested by a friend, etc. Music was discovered and shared by radio play, recommendations from others, and shared playlists that your friend curated, not the music streaming platform or the algorithm. I thought a bit less about my appearance, I mean, in adolescence, you are quite aware, but not as much as the smartphone era has brought attention to the physical image of ourselves. I had fewer pictures, grainier pictures, but more memories. Strong memories are tied to tangible things, like songs, food, books, buildings, and movies. We were all very different from each other, yet we could find commonality, and this is where the gears in my mind started turning.

We were part of a group, but had individuality. Yet, nowadays I feel more like I’m in a void, of no commonality, except for how everyone is into the same things, and wears the same clothes, yet we are not connected, communicating, nor would I even consider that despite our shared things we are on a team or part of a community. It’s hollow.

I think we are missing the point of life. We are not working towards something together. We are not part of communities. We are part of aesthetics. We have become fans not of art or sport but of corporations like Target, Lululemon, Sephora, Stanley, and Tesla. Well, probably not Tesla anymore. Target is also being boycotted, so…anyways. Apple, Alo, Rhode, Kate Spade, Trader Joe’s, Labubu. That’s more 2025, phew. Why are we stanning companies? Why are we considering shopping for a hobby? This is not a way to connect; it is a way to consume and drown in stuff instead of substance. Our roots are becoming so shallow, and our debt is vast; we are plants choked out by the weeds of hyper-individualism. We have let originality become a thing achieved not by character formation and real-life community, but by the path of purchase. Purchases for ourselves. It snuck in so fast, I didn’t realize how the art of gift giving has become a self-care checklist. Yikes! It wasn’t until playing Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing: New Horizons that I was struck by how topsy-turvy my own culture has become. Our priorities are whack, and I believe it has made us lonely, shells, devoid of individual thought, buying our way to “happiness” because all we think about is our individual needs above all. We have forgotten that humans are fulfilled by the relationships and communities we are rooted in. It’s time to break the spell.

(HOP) SKZ HOP HIP TAPE: a Patchwork Quilt of Music and Family

This album was a slow burn for me, as I expected after it was released on December 13, 2024. I was still enthralled with Stray Kids’s recent Japanese release, Giant, which was released on November 13, 2024. This was on the heels of their collaboration with Tom Morello and Young Miko for Arcane’s Season Two Theme, “Come Play” which was released in October 2024 before the show’s release. “Come Play” was the crescendo of soundtracks being released in the fall for Stray Kids with “Night” and “Falling Up” announced for season two of the anime, Tower of God.

But this was two months after we in the STAY fandom were processing the quiet release of “Slash” for Deadpool and Wolverine’s soundtrack in August 2024, a month after their July 2024 release of ATE. ATE was their big release of the year so far after months of waiting for an album after the drops of “Lose My Breath” and “WHY?” a soundtrack for the J-Drama Re:Revenge being released in the first quarter of 2024.

L to R: I.N., Lee Know, Seungmin, Hyunjin, HAN, Changbin, Felix, and Bang Chan

Did I mention this was a busy year for Stray Kids and their listeners? In this year of endless highs, Stray Kids announced their contract renewal a year ahead of the deadline, confirming that all eight members would stay at JYP Entertainment, making music together for years to come. It’s fitting then, that the last release of the year “HOP” was a title with a little wordplay, using the Chinese Hanja character “Hop” which means unity. In K-Pop, groups come and go, just look at New Jeans (2022-2024) and their possible disbandment after leaving ADOR. Contract renewals by all members to the same label are not guaranteed, look at the current state of Blackpink with each member taking their solo careers to various labels.

There is also the logistics of Stray Kids being a boy group with 6 out of 8 members being Korean citizens heading into their mid-twenties. Mandatory military service completion looms, which comes with a period of complications for music production, tours, and storytelling. Currently, BTS is completing their military service as a group (J-Hope and Jin have completed their service as of writing this). NCT 127 is following a different path, sending their members in a delayed fashion, (currently their leader Taeyong and member Jaehyun are completing their service) while the remaining members have released an album and performed tour dates. Although the military service question comes up a lot in K-Pop fandoms, more than I think we should dwell on it, the impression “HOP” and Stray Kids’ contract renewal left on STAYs I would say is like a comforting hug.

I didn’t understand this fully until Stray Kids’ account shared moments from their SKZ 5 O’Clock fan meet where the members performed each other’s solo songs on stage. What does this have to do with SKZ HOP HIP TAPE? Well, HOP was different kind of album from their usual format. On a Stray Kids’ EP or full album, there is usually a title track or several and then B-Sides with all eight members or songs performed by sub-units, affectionately called Rachas. For example – 3Racha (Bang Chan, Changbin, HAN) is their production unit and rapline, vocalracha (Seungmin, I.N.) supply lead vocals, and danceracha (Lee Know, Hyunjin, Felix) the lead dancers of the group. Instead of following this format, HOP is more like a patchwork quilt in my opinion.

  1. Walkin’ On Water
  2. Bounce Back
  3. U (feat. TABLO)
  4. Walkin’ on Water (HIP Ver.)
  5. Railway (Bang Chan)
  6. Unfair (Felix)
  7. Hallucination (I.N.)
  8. Youth (Lee Know)
  9. So Good (Hyunjin)
  10. ULTRA (Changbin)
  11. Hold my hand (HAN)
  12. As we are (Seungmin)

These solo songs, the members perform on tour through solo stages, were songs I was not sure about upon the first listen. Instead of appreciating the music, all I could think of was – is this the end of eight as one? Is this signaling them “growing up and growing out” of their collaborative style?

How silly is that? But in 2025, in our current friendship recession and drought of healthy communities, having deep friendship feels like something you have to “grow out of” to become a lonely “successful” adult. I think it says more about my life and my culture more than the album, to be honest. (Am I okay?) But then, I listened to the album again. And again. I watched the craftsmanship of the music videos and dove into the lyrics and I was impressed! The layers of talent – vocal range, dancing ability, lyricism, concept, etc. Each song has a personality unique to the member, you can clearly see them in the song but you can also feel Stray Kids in each song too.

This is not how I would describe most K-pop solo releases. Take NCT for example – Taeyong has released two EPs, Shalala (2023) and TAP (2024) which are not NCT 127 music. They showcase Taeyong and his unique talents – dancing, vocal range, and visuals. Mark of NCT 127 has released two singles, 200 (2024) and Fraktsiya (2024) which are again vastly different from NCT 127’s musical style. 200 is a casual love song and Fraktsiya is a rap focused song. Yuta of NCT 127 released an album in 2024 that deviates into J-Rock to celebrate his Japanese culture. Blackpink is another example of this, with Rose, Lisa, Jennie, and Jisoo going in completely different directions where they feel like different artists from their Blackpink performances.

For Stray Kids, their solos have range but through their 5 O’Clock Fan Meet performance swaps, it showed me that these songs are fully solos and fully Stray Kids which makes me interested in what the future holds. Will they release solo albums? Will they do sub-units? Will they do these solo mix tapes, like SKZ Replay of 2021, that featured previously unreleased solos and subunit songs? I think they truly just love creating, producing, and performing in an organic way that is synergistic in an unforced way. It’s like a harmony, even when they do their own things, they are still part of the whole without losing themselves. It is a family, a beautiful patchwork quilt, it is as the name “HOP” declares, unity. They do their own thing and some people hate it, but I love it. I’ve never had a band bring me as much musical joy as well as a sense of community as being a STAY.

All the releases of 2024 felt like a present for the fans, each one more exciting than the next, and that is why I think at first HOP did not grab me. There was an embarrassment of riches, too much to process, appreciate, or focus on. Three months later, I see the wonder of it all and hold HOP in regard as a unique experiment I’d enjoy listening to more of. They are always working on something new, what will 2025 hold? I look forward to finding out.

#47 – Goodbye February

This month has straight up stunk. It was a pinball of coming off those allergic reactions I mentioned in #45 – Allergy and Winter Winds, coming down with a cold or a cold, getting better, having an allergic reaction to my eyeshadow, getting another cold, discovering my body wash and loofah combo was giving me irritation, in the form of friction hives, and having to stop drinking camomille to get the hives to go away. I was stuck in this loop of discouragement and I definitely let it live in my mind leading to worry and feeling stuck, basically, like this gif when Kim and Ron switch bodies because of Drakken’s body-switching machine. It was one flip to another flop, nothing progressing, just stuck.

That is life, it kicks our butts, leaves us discouraged, and some days feel like a bunch of little things going wrong are going to give us death by a thousand paper cuts. But honestly, that’s part of the journey of existence. Life does not give us any guarantees that each day is going to be sunshine and rainbows, some days are like a tsunami, and other days are like tripping, repeatedly. I’m thankful that it was only a bunch of small little things breaking my focus, instead of one of those big things that shake us to our core. As a highly sensitive person, I can let the little things swirl around in my head until they are big, shakeable problems that tower over me. These little setbacks taught me something pretty important, I need people in my life. I crave it more than my introverted nature is willing to admit.

On those days, when I felt frustrated and down, lost in the worry of my own head, the thing that pulled me back to the light were people. They helped me remember that I wasn’t alone, but instead that I am loved and needed by others in return. There is purpose and worth in the person I am in being there for others in my life.

It was the small things, Kyle taking care of me when I was feeling really crumby, like asking if I had taken medicine or refilling my water bottle before I realized it was empty. Him doing the dishes, cooking dinner, and making me tea in the morning as I was super slow pulling myself out of bed. Those are huge when you are feeling sick and he is so patient with me. Or my neighbor, who texted me one morning because our Amazon packages got mixed up, remembering she is next door and always there if I need a friend. A phone conversation with a friend, talking about anything or nothing, but the connection of catching up after a while and spending time in that bubble together is such a refreshing reset. Having one of those low-maintenance friendships where she texts me out of the blue and we spend time catching up writing digital letters to each other until the conversation fades, knowing we’ll pick it back up later on. Admitting to my mom that I was scared because she was having complications from her surgery this past summer, saying the fear aloud and facing that I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. A quick chat with my stepdad, talking nonsense but having a blast doing it. My brother-in-law video calling me out of the blue to catch up as we both cook dinner.

Those little moments of community, pull me out of the funk I was in faster than I realized. We really need people. This modern life is lonely. If nothing else, from this month, I learned how dissatisfied I am with the digital barriers there are to the community and how I don’t want to settle anymore. Because people matter and we need them even if we get peopled out easily. Goodbye, February, my relentless gremlin and ironically, the frank teacher I needed.

Haiku & Breakfast Valentines

When my husband and I first met, I claimed I hated Valentine’s Day and to be honest, I think it was more annoyance at the emptiness of this day. Valentine’s Day as a commercial commodity sucks. The heart-shaped everything, the push to have the perfect romantic moment, the jewelry ads, the lace, and beyond, it’s a lot. It seems fake.

As a teenager and into college, I was hoping for that perfect K-drama boyfriend to sweep me off my feet. A Mr. Darcy moment with all the intensity of a look or a hand flex. I liked being single until this day, like everyone else, and let societal traditions determine my worth on this day. Which honestly was quite dumb because I had better examples than this.

Card on My Plate

As a kid, living with my grandparents, I knew every Valentine’s Day morning Papa would wake up before us all and put cards on each of our breakfast plates – one for Grandma, one for my Mom, and one for me. This was important for me to see, I realize now, with my Dad out of the picture, it was wonderful to see how pure this expression of love was. He wanted all of us to feel loved and appreciated, and no one left out. Because his actions were driven by affection, each one of us was special to him in different ways, and by including all of us it made the day about love, in the fullest sense.

The tradition continued even after we moved out on our own, and eventually, as our extended family grew to become a whole family tradition where Grandma and Papa put together little gift bags for every person – all 18 of us! These little heartfoil bags had homemade cookies, homemade fudge, chocolate-covered pretzels, etc. It was adorable, even as a moody teenager, this little goody bag brought me a smile. It reminded me that even though I felt like a weirdo on Feb 14 for not having a boyfriend, as soon as I stepped foot in their house, it didn’t matter. That wasn’t the point of this day. I was loved, just as I was, and was special.

Handmade Cards & Poetry

Elizabeth was wrong and Darcy was right, poetry is the food love. Especially if its origins are authentic and well-founded. Like my new tradition with my husband, a handmade card, and a bit of poetry. Now, I requested a handmade card when he asked me last year what I wanted for Valentine’s Day because he is an excellent handmade card maker. He has an intricate eye for stamping and paper crafting. What I didn’t expect but was pleasantly surprised by was his poem.

My husband doesn’t like to write poetry, I do. He has claimed he doesn’t understand it but he does, because he has a wonderful appreciation for song lyrics which to be honest are just another form of poetry.

Darcy: “I have been used to consider poetry as the food of love,”
Elizabeth: “Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.”

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

So when he surprised me last year with an original poem in my card, it gave me butterflies because it was a brilliant series of verses, tailored to our inside jokes. Of course, I asked for a sequel this year! And did he deliver! For my birthday, he dipped his toes in with an original haiku inspired by a tradition to close episodes of a certain show we adore – James May: Our Man in Japan.

The haiku was incredible in my opinion, it perfectly captured the essence of a moment which I believe is what haiku is about. I’m not talented with haikus, the syllable work has never meshed with my creative process, but my husband’s eye for detail shined in this form. Inside this year’s handmade gem of a card were four haikus! He truly outdid himself and in such a heartwarming way this new tradition reminds me of those delightful little valentines we used to exchange in elementary school.

Be a Valentine of Four Loves

According to C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves, there are four distinct types of love to express – Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape.

  • Storge is an empathy bond that originates from affection. The natural love, like between a parent and child.
  • Philia is the friend bond, it is a strong bond built on shared interests. This is the type of love expressed in friendship and between siblings.
  • Eros is romantic love, the sense of being in love compared to just being about sexual attraction and desire.
  • Agape is the expression of unconditional “God” love, also known as charity. It is a love that is steadfast and exists regardless of changing circumstances. It is selfless love.

When I first studied these in college, these four terms were not what I quite expected but they changed the way I see relationships, maturely and more healthily. Actually, learning about Philia helped me realize a crush I was stuck on wasn’t my love, he wasn’t even my friend, he was nothing. But a certain new guy, a new friend (my future husband) I already had philia with after a few months and eros was brewing.

What is my point in sharing this? Well, this day about love is quite narrow-minded in our culture, and my whole life I think the wiser people in my life have been trying to show me this. Now in my romantic relationship, I’m getting the opportunity to express many versions of the four loves. Ironic isn’t it?

This day of love should be more than just a day focused on eros, it has the foundation to build upon to be a day about extending agape love to others. What if this day was not about commercialism but supplying needs, filling the void of loneliness with random acts of kindness, and to the best of our ability expressing unconditional love to our friends and family? This could become a new favorite holiday for many of us!

Proverbs 17:17

I have this new widget on my phone, the verse of the day, and what I love about this new widget is that I can’t accidentally close out the notification like I can with the Bible App’s push notification. I’ve done that so many times by accident and it frustrates me because I like having the verse of the day reminder at the top of my phone. Why do you ask? These verse-of-the-day notifications are sometimes like a voice in the wilderness, paraphrasing Isaiah 40:3. It cuts through the chaos, the world’s inhumanity, and all that life throws at us. It reminds me to stop and remember who stands beside me through every moment – Jesus.

Today’s verse of the day is a verse I remember from childhood, it was the theme verse of my Bible cover. It was shortened to include the first phrase of the sentence – “a friend loves at all times” and featured a cartoon-style illustration of a group of kids with their arms around each other like they were posing for a photo. They were united in love for one another. I liked that case because it reminded me that I could feel the fellowship I longed for being an only child with my friends. I could get a taste of the community my friends and cousins had instead of feeling like the odd one out.

It wasn’t until much later, it could easily be my Bible read-through in 2020-2021, that I understood there was more to the verse. There is more to this verse, and the entire second half of a sentence that fills me with emptiness not because I am an only child, but understanding what the verse means – family united. Recently there has been a lot of family in my life again and it has taken me some time to get used to having people around again.

In the last ten years, my family has seemed more like Coyote to my Road Runner.

There has been a lot of betrayal, suspicious decisions, and big divides. When I read that verse this morning I was struck by how I associate friends with the security of family and family with the cloak of the adversary in my life. The villain mostly instead of the place I run to. Am I really that jaded? Cause that sounds jaded and not like a person in a healthy place. I shouldn’t be scared of family, but I am. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to be let down.

A longtime friend and I just ended our friendship and the weirdest part about the whole thing has been the rollercoaster of emotions flooding my mind. I feel grief like she died, but she didn’t our relationship did. I feel like I lost my sister, but ironically what sent me running for the hills in our disagreement was how much she began to remind me of my sister, my dad’s youngest. We have different moms. We have a lot of baggage and the relationship is quite toxic.

In the final days of our friendship, I was freaked out once I saw how much our friendship had grown into a toxic state mirroring my relationship with my sister. The crossover from a safe friendship to a toxic family dynamic frightened me. Ironically since we had to part ways because we couldn’t seem to right our problems, I have been grieved about losing a “sister” figure in that friendship. Even though the friendship was unhealthy for a long time, I felt a sisterhood with her because she wasn’t actually related to me, and I overlooked the ways we were unhealthy for each other because it is safer to cling to this faux-sister thing than to leave it behind. I completely wish my friend well and want her to find a support system that works better for her because the toxic dynamic that we brought out in each other was no good for anyone.

And yet, I find myself feeling like that little kid again with the Bible cover hoping I find a new community even though I do have a community right in front of me, but some of that community involves family. I’m definitely supposed to learn something here.

So, why am I sharing all this? When I saw this verse pop up on my widget I was struck by how serious this is for our communities and our world. Family should not be the ones who hurt us, but they can and they do, on varying levels of seriousness, some being very, very serious levels. God gave us the structure of family and of friendship. They are inherently good things. But we use them for bad because we are fallen humans. We are capable of creating unrepairable damage, where I stand with several family members and it sucks knowing that we may never be able to repair this on Earth.

I think being a Peacemaker, as God calls us to be is more than just finding reconciliation, I think it’s also about filling those gaps in society. Some people have family members who have done evil things and their actions and continued choices have made it impossible to reconcile on Earth as it stands, it’s all in God’s hands for now. Being a peacemaker does not mean forcing insincere apologies, or forcing families back into dangerous, even deadly situations. Being a peacemaker challenges us to bring God’s kingdom here. To love, to comfort, to fill the gaps, and to show who God is and what He freely gives to us all if we accept Him. None of us have earned it or deserve it and that’s not the point. The point is to glorify God and allow Him to transform our lives and our world. Being a willing vessel is what is important.

I was watching a documentary last night called Jonathan & Jesus, it’s on Amazon Prime, and in it, Jonathan Roumie met with the leader of Civil Righteousness, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, and spoke about what being a peacemaker is and I was struck by how much daily myself and the world around me misses the point of what that means. Especially for me, I think of my family. It’s like we have divorced ourselves from acknowledging that is part of the Christian life. But in the early church, Christians were the peacemakers, the outposts of hope in dire situations like plagues. There are a lot of things, I remembered, that we are missing the plot about. Some days it feels overwhelming to think about creating change, even in my own life not just in my community, or my country.

This verse of the day really humbled me. The documentary humbled me. The words of Jonathan Roumie, Brandon Flowers, Alice Cooper, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, Francis Chan, etc humbled me. But also filled me with hope and purpose. A reset. I’m resetting a lot this month, I guess between my schedule and my focus. That’s why I love the verse of the day, God speaks through this app and through documentaries, His voice is everywhere as long I listen.

The Proof of Your Love

Yesterday I was knitting and catching up on Youtube videos when my playlist took an interesting turn. I watched two videos back to back from different creators that touched on the same message, an important message that actually prompted me to think deeply about a TikTok video and its eventual dragging by the internet. Now, I am not a fan of TikTok or TikTok culture. I think that it is changing how we interact in some harmful ways, like encouraging main character syndrome and resurrecting toxic beauty standards, but I am learning to have an open mind because of something key I learned recently that broke my heart.

A lot of people my age and younger don’t feel like they have friends and people they can count on. There is a growing loneliness and a lack of community, even though we are theoretically more connected than ever. I know that I have felt seasons of loneliness crash over me since I became an adult, and there were years when I didn’t feel like I had any friends my own age. But I was never truly alone because I had a community around me and family, I realize now that I’m older and more mature that I was incredibly blessed to have them and that having family and community and friends is not a guarantee.

Even writing that feels unnatural to me, how is being alone the default now when there are 8 billion people on this planet? We are seriously doing something wrong if this is the reality some people are facing and I want to do something about it, but I’m learning that some people think this is a joke and that kills me.

Now, people my age and younger share a lot of their lives on social media, something that is received with mixed reviews from our parents and other people older than us. It is seen as odd, opening ourselves up to trouble, or self-centered which yes, there is a main character syndrome, but honestly is that what Karens do too? So it’s a human problem to do that, exacerbated by social media, but what I learned recently is that people are sharing so much because our friendships are declining or non-existent and the only human connection some of us are receiving at the moment is sharing with our social media friends, who most of the time are people that are more like acquaintances or could be total strangers to us. Our real-life friendships are dissipating into relationships of sending reels back and forth instead of having a conversation, why are we doing this? Because we all live too far away from each other, are too broke to visit each other and for the majority of people, work a 9-5 that is consuming our time and ability to keep up with relationships.

This is where TikTok comes in again, there is a video by a creator named brielleybelly123 that is making the rounds on the internet for her honest emotional breakdown because she is feeling overwhelmed by how lonely her life has become due to her 9-5. She is a recent college grad who is working a 9-5 job that requires hours of commuting. She is far from family, and friends, and the ability to get to know new people. She is community-less and the reality that this is her everyday worries her. This is an incredibly valid feeling to have, I mean who hasn’t been overwhelmed by changes in life? We all have those moments, I did going into high school, college, every new job, and after every move to a new city I’ve made. Actually, my current town is the first place in seven years since moving out of my mom’s house and I have a friend in my town. Like a legit girl friend that I can lean on in good and bad. In those seven years, I’ve also strengthened the long-distance friendships I have with friends from college and childhood, but if I hadn’t been able to keep those relationships going, I’m not certain if I would have any friends. Which is quite bleak to think about.

We are relational beings created to be in community, to be loved, and to love. This morning when I was listening to music, this truth hit me deeply as “The Proof of Your Love” by For King and Country filled my ears.

[Verse 1: Luke]
If I sing but don’t have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don’t have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Verse 2: Luke]
If I give to a needy soul
But don’t have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Bridge]
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it’s all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

[Monologue: Joel]
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day
And if I have faith to say to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing
If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere
So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I’m bankrupt without love

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

The song is based on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 which says “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

What is the point of the 9-5 grind and gaining the world if you lose your humanity in the process? And I would argue that having love is an essential part of our humanity and what makes us keep going. And so I was disturbed by something else I saw before bed last night, that brielleybelly123’s honest cry was being mocked by conservative-leaning people who claim to be believers. I’m sorry but that doesn’t align with scripture. What does align with who God calls us to be is to love your neighbor as yourself, and to serve the widows, the orphans, and the lonely. When Jesus came to live among us, he sought out the outsiders of society, the lonely ones. American exceptionalism belief of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is in direct contradiction to what really matters, God’s plan for how we interact with each other. It is disgusting to me to be honest that people are making whole videos making fun of her, but in the same breath will claim Christ. What is the proof of your love commentators, hm?

Now I’m not saying this is easy, or that we don’t all make mistakes. I literally fall short all the time, but the important thing is that we stay on the road and keep trying so that the proof of our love speaks to something bigger than us.

#35 – Toxic Girl Conversations

I was struck by a moment recently where I felt transported back to middle school, watching Mean Girls. The plastics stand in front of a mirror and one by one they list something they hate about their body until they get to the new girl, Cady, who freezes. She quickly says she has really bad breath in the morning and the plastics, satisfied, move on to a new topic. I used to feel like that girl in the girl world because I honestly didn’t enjoy standing around finding flaws in myself as a form of bonding.

I’d rather talk about something more fruitful, lighthearted, or productive than pick at myself and others’ flaws. However I have noticed throughout the years that some girl friendship dynamics get pulled into a negative space, and sometimes they simply move into the negative neighborhood permanently.

It’s awkward because how do you communicate that you love your friend but the friendship environment they create can be downright toxic?

How do you steer the conversation back to something positive when that person just wants to complain and whine without starting a fight that puts the friend on the defense?

I’ve been pondering this because there are so many amazing things about this friend I wish she would focus on instead of what’s going wrong or what she is choosing not to make better in her life. We have a myriad of things we could be discussing because we are both wonder-filled by the world and its beauty, cultures, cuisine, music, etc. We could discuss books and the many writing projects we both want to accomplish. We could be planning a craft project we could coordinate for our next hang out, one of the many we send each other that one day we will try. Can that day be today?

It always starts like a pebble, one bad day in the recap of the week, and then it finds negative pebble friends. By the next conversation, the cup is overflowing and the light is being blocked from view by the stack of stones growing before me. I wish I could figure out how to capture that pebble, put it in my pocket, and skip it far away.

Instead, I find myself sifting through the back forty of my mind looking for a flaw to add to the pile of complaints my friend is listing off. I feel so fake and vapid manufacturing a problem in my head just to bond because not having a complaint would be a toxic girl conversation faux pax.

And wouldn’t you know my friend is stunning? She is photogenic, tall, and has the proportions to pull off every item of clothing I wish I could. Her heart is even more stunning than the outside. She is talented and accomplishing so much more in her professional life than I ever could. That’s why these toxic conversations drive me to the edge because she is amazing just the way she is.

#16 – Florence, a True Friend

I was looking for an image on Unsplash, something that would represent such a special lady. We had such a short time together that I realized I didn’t have a photo with her. But I was thinking about what she taught me, what she loved, and I remembered a conversation we had a few years ago about the changing seasons. I love fall, from the sights of painted fiery leaves to the crisp air. I find it to be a spectacular beauty, but she said that fall has always made her sad since she was a little girl. Florence said something that stuck with me, “I don’t like fall because you are watching all the beautiful leaves and flowers die away. Spring has always been my favorite because everything comes back to life.” I hadn’t thought about that way before. Now, as she is gone and I see signs of spring everywhere I look, I feel the warmth of her friendship in the flowers that seem to pop up anywhere and everywhere. The birds that call and the trees that bud, it is beautiful.

She was my great aunt, two generations older than me, but someone that understood how my mind worked better than any relative ever had. She just got me. I got to know her as an adult after I moved back to the Greater Pittsburgh Area in 2021, not long after her husband passed away. She was my grandma’s younger sister, and I was drawn to her company after losing my mentor, my grandma. But what I discovered was a warm friendship, a safe harbor during a time that was a transition to life after death. Through her friendship, I learned how to be a good friend again. To make time for people and open up even if I was feeling low. She would remind me to give as much as I take, which has helped me be brave and seek out new friendships where in the past I would have been too shy to put myself out there.

Florence inspired me to not see the challenges in life as a roadblock but to make the best of the circumstances you have. She had a tenacity and a fierce spirit of adventure, at 80 years old planning a trip back to Ireland to see our relatives at the family farm. As a young adult, she took a solo trip to Europe, in a similar way I did the same when I was 17. She understood the desire to see the world and soak up the wonderful possibilities it had to offer. Florence understood my love to try new food, garden, make my own clothes, and be determined while still treating others with dignity and respect. She empathized with my concerns about starting a business, with the desire to simply give my garments to people who really need them instead of wanting to make a profit. Through her stories, I learned that sewing and food preservation are two skills that I have, that her mom also had. I felt such a connection to my ancestors through our talks, and now I know I am keeping traditions alive. She gifted me my first working sewing machine and set me up for success when I didn’t feel confident enough to take the leap.

I wish we had more time here on Earth, but I am glad to have made such a deep friendship in the time we did have. The lessons she taught me during our time together will bless my life for years to come. I hope to be like her and when I leave this Earth to have made a positive impact on those around me. To inspire love and zest for life in my friends and family. Thank you, dearest friend. You will be missed.

#8 – Victorian Walking Skirt

After my first sewing project, I knew exactly what I wanted to make – the garment I had watched every historical sewing Youtuber make on my marathon consuming of sewing content during 2020 – the Victorian, super swishy, walking skirt. The flowing bell of fabric elegant drapes off the hip gathers at the back, and elegantly transports the wearer into a world that is not panicking. Really the only thing I wanted in September 2020, after the second family member died and my wonderful kindred spirit, my grandma, was checking out, I also wanted an escape.

For this project, my husband found a local fabric store that turned out to be a Mennonite sewing shop run by the sweetest Mennonite couple I’ve ever met. I outfitted my sewing kit with odds and ends from her notions and bought a few yards of a green, simple polyester blend fabric that Amish and Mennonite women use to make clothes. She gave me a few tips about hand sewing and gave me a proud smile for choosing such a noble task of sewing. I felt accepted for being a stay-at-home wife for the first time since I was laid off. At the time, not a lot of people understood what I was doing with my life, to be honest, I didn’t either. I knew I was grieving the loss of my grandpa, my career, and a miscarriage, muddling through a pregnancy scare that I was not ready for and hoping sewing this skirt would make me feel like a real historical sewist so that anything would make sense again.

That summer I discovered Bernadette Banner, Karolina Zebrowska, and Rachel Maksy’s channels on Youtube and fell deep down that rabbit hole. They made sewing look possible and exciting, a way to bring the past to life with fabric and humor. Bernadette’s channel helped me see that I could start even with a needle and thread, her tutorials are so crisp and informative. With that confidence, I followed a few different videos for inspiration, including a Rachel Maksy video where I carefully mimicked the shape of the pattern she used to drape the skirt. I followed Bernadette’s tips for finishing and gathering the skirt for that perfect Victorian shape. It gave me so much confidence! I even put in a zipper, which was uncharted territory for me, and a vintage button on the closure.

I took this picture the day I wore this skirt to her shop to show my Mennonite friend my finished product, and she was so proud like the mom I needed during this awful year. She could not believe how well my construction turned out. I remember I felt respected by a peer for the first time in years doing work I actually was passionate about. I felt like me again, the girl who had confidence, passion, and drive. I had been beaten down by conniving coworkers at my corporate job and stabbed in the back by family members, I wanted to be wanted and loved by the world I was living in, but had felt like my life was disintegrating until I found sewing. This will always be one of my favorite projects to date because it helped me find my way when I didn’t know how to move forward. Thank you, sewing friend, for being so kind to me when a lot of people weren’t and accepting me even as an outsider to your community. I will always treasure your friendship.

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