Tag: creative writing

Coping with Negative Emotions

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

It’s taken a while for me to find healthy coping mechanisms when negative feelings wash over me. Before I used to push the feelings down and grow numb, I’d clam up, or I’d get angry and stay angry. I’d shop for the heck of it or engage in self-destructive behavior like drinking or fighting with people I cared about until they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’d punish my body with exercise or restrictive eating. After a certain point the negative feelings and my destructive solutions, came to run my life and the anxiety and depression I had been allowing to take root in my life were in the driver’s seat and I was not even a passenger looking out the windshield, but was all the way in the backseat and had no concept of where the car was going.

Three years ago, I decided to take charge of my responses to stress and negative feelings. I stopped using alcohol as a crutch when I was overwhelmed by stressful and painful life situations and decided to look my pain in the eye and face it down. Now, I’m not doing this alone, when I made this decision I surrendered it to God, and chose to let Him be my driver of the car instead of myself or my anxiety and depression. It wasn’t any easy choice. It was scary but also an unknown to be explored. It was a new beginning.

Prayer

Prayer became the immediate lifeline between me and the negative emotions in my mind in combination with spending time in God’s word. Consciously shifting my perspective from, I’m alone and I’m scared to I’m scared but I’m never alone truly helped me feel sure footed when negative emotions clouded over my mind. Was it an instantaneous fix? Yes sometimes and other times it was a slow burn, it’s been a process of sanctification.

Focusing on God can pull me out of panic attacks and remind me that I am loved when dysfunctional people in my life make me question that. But I’ve found that when I’m really dialed into my relationship with God that is where I see the most results because prayer is about preparation. Being consistent so when those big, scary emotions come I can remember God’s promises. Being present keeps my eyes fixed on Him and helps me feel His presence even though I cannot see Him in front of me.

Has it taken away the negative emotions completely? No, they still happen and I still get anxious and depressed but I don’t remain there. Like a rain storm there is a clear sky on the other side, the morning always follows the night.

Poetry

I started writing poetry again back in December after a long hiatus, like maybe five years of turning away from it because of a friendship that I didn’t want to have creative competition in. That was a mistake because poetry, like journaling is an incredible way to walk your mind through your negative thoughts and process them through creating a work of art in words. Whenever my head feels too full with emotions and negative thoughts I pour them on to the page. I have specific notebook for this purpose and I say what I am feeling to my notebook.

I’ve done this as a way to get out of a loop of insomnia I was stuck in because of grief and it helped me digest the pain that was hovering in my mind so that I could move to the other side and back to a more balanced mind. Some poems I share and some are just kept for my own creative expression. It’s like Dumbledore’s Pensieve in Harry Potter. The memories, emotions, and negative thoughts are extracted on to the page where they can live and my mind can have some rest. Which is oh so nice for an over thinker like myself, who will continue to think until the wee hours of the night on problems there is no clear answer to.

Music

Since I received my iPod nano in 2008, I have been a music escapist. I need my headphones and my music at the ready for trips, errands, social situations, etc. I crave that escape when the world feels like too much. I need music to carry me through what I’m feeling and get my emotions out.

I usually run to music when I’m feeling angry, fed up, or in pain. I will play it loud and let the beat and the bass overwhelm me in its world until the anger feels less explosive. I’ll run to music when I’m feeling scared and uncomfortable to distract and get my mind out of the loop its in. Music is motivating. My favorite go to songs when I feel like I’m going to explode from all the emotion inside and I’m feeling anger rise in me are LALALALA Rock Version by Stray Kids, Cover Me by Stray Kids, Bouncy (K-Hot Chili Peppers) by Ateez, Guerilla by Ateez, Haegeum by Suga, Kill this Love by Blackpink, or Drama by Aespa.

Exercise

The other day I felt some unsolvable pain due to an increasingly dysfunctional relationship I have with a parent and I wanted to give into the temptation of destructive behavior. I wanted to drain my bank account with a shopping spree and get very drunk because I felt so helpless from this relationship ever getting better here on Earth. I was frustrated and wanted to feel pain because I was feeling angry and numb. Instead of doing something destructive, I decided to work out, and push my body though exercise to embrace the burn to feel something instead of hurting myself and my future. It worked!

I was motivated to lift weights longer, hold wall sits and planks longer, to push my leg muscles, my core, and my arms to higher reps. It was awesome and constructive instead of destructive but with the release of anger in a healthy way. I remember my Papa telling me that he would channel all the anger he had from his own dysfunctional parents on the football field and get the emotions out through the physicality of the game. It truly made a difference and I was able to no longer feel explosive after my workout because although the pain and negative thoughts were still hovering in the background, I felt like I was no longer trapped in my mind.

Art

When I don’t know what to do with my mind, I make art. I get creative and let myself escape into a world of my own creation in order to get out of my own head and my swirling negative thoughts. Getting creative reminds me of what my purpose is and my calling and helps me to remember that there is more to life than the bad times. There is so much beauty beyond what I am currently stuck in, when I’m feeling low, that I need to carry on and make something beautiful. Get out of my own head and remember that I have worth, I have the ability to create beauty in this world, and I can do better than those around me who hurt me. Art is uplifting. Creating is nourishing. It channels the pain into something more than it started as, it becomes a touch point of connection with others and the world around us.

My favorite way to escape into art is to draw landscapes, flowers, animals, and the sky in the majesty of a sunset.

Winter Light

A jolt of life. A bright, warm, hope!

Vast blue sky, a wash of cerulean lifts above my head.

All worries, fade. Care melts from my shoulders.

A hope for tomorrow! Truth breaks through the lies.

Darkness lasts for a moment but life springs forth

to sunshine’s embrace. A welcome friend.

You comfort my soul and invigorate my mind!

Welcome home, welcome back, bright, blue sky.

Dark Winter

Rosy, golden haze breaks through the greige. Dark, lifeless sky.

I miss the sun on my pale, blue eyes.

The sun on my face? A vampire’s disgrace!

Winter is finally getting to me.

The wind has whipped, into the ether

and clouds slip, like a blip, and slide away into gray nothing monotone before I can comprehend.

I dream of snow. I dream of the sun. The crunch of cool.

November rain, December shadows, January freeze, this nightmare will not end.

Skipping Stitches

Skipping stitches, a court of witches has taken my needle by storm.

Stretch knit slips. Stretch knit slips!?

Another scarred and tattered hem.

Gremlins in the machine? I think I’m going to steam!

From my face, the anger boiling in my heart…

Was this project doomed from the start?

I Found My Missing Manuscript

I have exciting news! Yesterday, while I was transferring larger video files from my phone to my Google Drive, something amazing happened. Honestly, it was one of the most surreal things I can remember happening to me.

As the files transferred, a folder with several documents that I swore were deleted, showed up in my cloud. At first, I thought they must be just showing the recent files I had looked at because, to be honest, I don’t go into my drive very often. I saw old work documents I deleted and Udal Cuain. So, as a joke, I clicked on it expecting my drive to tell me that the file did not exist anymore. But to my surprise, that’s not what happened!

I found every draft version of my unfinished manuscript from 2018 – Udal Cuain in this folder. It had the original version, the version with an updated timeline and calendar, the version when I divided the document into two books, and the draft where I began revising and changed the beginning.

It was all there, but it shouldn’t be. I clearly remember deleting it. I remember deciding I never wanted to work on it again. And dang, after looking through all the work I put into this story over two years, I am so glad that whatever glitch happened, did happen because I regretted deleting it. I really did.

I looked at the word count yesterday, around 124,000 words or 250+ pages single-spaced. There’s too much work there to abandon. I have to revise it, right? If I took out the dark directions it drifted towards and reengineered those motifs to a place that reflects who I am instead of who I was trying to be, it could work. It could really work!

I already had a non-fiction book idea I was planning to write this year, so I guess, what is one more project? 🙂

I’m grateful and excited to get started on the revising process because this shouldn’t have happened and I am pleasantly surprised that it did. It makes those lost years of confusion and wandering in a desert of shut doors feel like they were all for something important, something that started that I should have never given up on just because I got a job.

I never thought I would see that project again, and in some way, that’s what I needed for a time, but in 2023, I began to question if I made the right choice abandoning it. I wish I hadn’t but learned to accept that I made a choice and that was that. It’s taught me to keep hold of things, and wait and see instead of making snap decisions. I guess it’s maturity. But, I’m getting a second chance here and that’s pretty freaking awesome!

To Rest and Not Wonder

Toss and turn.

Crash and hiss.

Waves break upon my mind’s own sigh.

I see distortion, of water in senseless motion.

I want to find an oasis,

the peace of pillow and sheets.

To rest and not wander.

Wondering whether I meant anything to you?

It’s rising in my mind.

Will I find a break in the tide?

Pondering my queue of regret, does 1:30’s Captain sail forward or back?

History wakes so I can’t sleep. Missing you.

The idea of you,

seems bigger than my eye shut.

But I’m a princess when you’re a pirate.

My sword, my cuts, sink our hope of steady winds.

Will I find a break from this tide?

I see distortion when words don’t take motion.

It’s bigger than the wind in the sails.

Hair in my eyes, hiding my hunger, my hunger to cut lines.

1:30’s Captain by the water of senseless fortune

I want an oasis!

The peace of pillow and sheets.

I miss you.

Novel Timelines Are My Achilles Heel

I mentioned in My NanoWrimo 2023 that I am working on a new fiction idea, a novel to be exact. I’ve been pushing myself to write and not worry about being perfect, to let the ideas flow and take life on the page. The polish can be applied later. It’s been a good strategy so far. I have my intro into the world, a general idea of the setting and the characters. I’m meeting them and their world. I have a clear idea of what I want this story to say and where it is going to end. What I am struggling with is the timeline. I have the ending, but the beginning is getting a bit fuzzy.

Story Structure

In my previous project Udal Cuain, I decided to join the story after the damage had been done so to speak. There was an in-media res structure to the timeline with flashbacks and characters processing the aftermath of an exile. It was a definite form of the story. The plot was handcuffed to certain storytelling devices to make it work. I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want my writing to be one note. This is where I am at a crossroads, do I start at the beginning? Do I start in the beginning-ish middle? How many flashbacks do I plan for?

The other thing I am uncertain of is whether I tell the story in first person and then how many perspectives should I include? In Udal Cuain there was an ensemble of main characters, do I narrow it down to one perspective for this one? It’s a lot to consider.

My Plan

My plan at the moment, to keep writing but not get ahead of myself has been to write notes above and below what I have written in my first draft to build out the story beforehand and afterward the chapters I have. I’ve denoted things I want in separate chapters. I’ve started pausing when the ideas are getting ahead of my mind and leaving a note to add more detail where I’d like to come back and elaborate further.

I’ve started planning out character names, and settings cues. This is the first time I’ve jumped in and sketched out the characters after. I had two whole chapters written before I had to commit to placeholder names for the sake of clarity.

With this in place, I’m planning to pause my writing to sketch out a summary from beginning to end that I can use to orient myself within the story and decide where to start. This intimidates me a bit because I’ve never sketched out a timeline from start to finish before. With Udal Cuain I was uncertain where the story was going in the end and it showed. This one has a definite ending.

Writing Music

I’m excited to have a writing playlist taking shape! Music is such a big inspiration for me. The music pulls ideas out of me and without good, expressive music my writing can be a bit flat. Currently, my favorite writing albums to pull from are Tomorrow X Together’s minisode 1: Blue Hour, The Name Chapter: Temptation, minisode 2: Thursday’s Child, Aespa’s Drama, Stray Kids’ Rockstar, Five Star, and No Easy.

How much TXT is on the list surprises me because I’m not a MOA or an avid listener more of a fringe TXT fan. There is something about the melodic nature of their songwriting that has made me happy and focused. SKZ is obvious, 3RACHA just gets me. Their creativity overflows from the music. Drama by Aespa is a sleeper. I didn’t like the new album upon release but it’s good for getting my creative juices flowing.

Goals by the End of 2023

  • Create a working timeline, with a clear start and finish.
  • Determine character names
  • Write a few more chapters, don’t lose momentum.
  • Be a diligent note-taker to keep the ideas flowing.
  • Determine the setting.
  • Have fun while doing it.

Ancient Irish Calendar

An important part of the world I desired to create in my novel Udal Cuain was a sense of place. Since I chose to set my story in Early Medieval Ireland, also known as Viking Age Ireland, I strove to create a world that didn’t feel like our modern age but instead steeped in a culture unlike the modern North American one I know as familiar. A simple way I found to create this complete world was to research and incorporate the Ancient Irish calendar of months. The structure of this calendar looked a little something like this:

Geimhreadh (Winter)

Samhain (November), Nollaig (December), Eanair (January)

With Samhain celebrated the night between the last day of fall and winter, signifiying a new year.
Later on in Nollaig the Winter Solstice was celebrated.

Earrach (Spring)

Feabhra (February), Marta (March), Aibrean (April)

With the festival of Imbolc, for fertility and planting, celebrated at the start of Feabhra.
The Spring Equinox was recognized in Marta.

Samhradh (Summer)

Bealtaine (May), Meitheamh (June), Iuil (July)

With the festival of May Day being celebrated on the first day of Bealtaine.
Summer Solstice recognized during Meitheamh at New Grange

Fomhar (Fall/Harvest)

Lunasa (August), Mean Fomhair (September),
Deireadh Fomhair (October)

The Lunasa festival being celebrated at the start of the harvest.
At the end of Deireadh Fomhair, Samhain night signified the end of the year.

Already this calendar has a different rhythm than our own, with the months with each season divided one month earlier than we do now. It is a calendar that reflects the agricultural tempo of the ancient Irish society and helped the Viking Age world I was writing about feeling like it had structure. These months are unique, based on a lunar structure with names that correspond to what’s going on within the season compared to the Gregorian calendar, our modern system, which is mathematical and accounts for the passage of time the Earth takes to orbit the Sun. Understanding how and why we use things is important to consider when creating a new world or awakening an ancient world within a story.

The people who created this Irish calendar understood the passage of time in a different, yet similar way to what we understand it. We have religious and cultural festivals, recognize four seasons, and even celebrate Halloween to this day. So there is common ground, and you will find your own common ground in your projects if you choose to add a calendar to your fiction world-building!

Passage of Time

I provided source materials to bring this structure into the story in a natural way, there was a separate section devoted to this calendar like an appendix to a book. Because of how complex the Gaelic language is, having the visible calendar to reference with the names corresponding with their meaning helped me keep it straight as I wrote and added a nice layer to the story, a touch point the characters could reference naturally in dialogue yet the reader could have the knowledge to understand the meaning behind these sometimes foreign words. I enjoy little details like that.

I think it’s why I enjoy Harry Potter, Avatar the Last Airbender, Star Wars, etc. I like to lose myself in a story and wander far into the world, a calendar is that little extra punch that pulls me in even more to a time and place. So when I was writing a character I fancied the idea of being able to think about that character’s understanding of time.

  • What were they looking forward to?
  • What would signify change or normalcy in that character’s life?
  • How could I take the research of Viking Age Ireland and synthesize it into a story that would feel tangible?

I came back to the passage of time and by illustrating that in the story with these seasons, sprinkling little details of the season, the weather, the natural processes that come with winter, planting, harvest, summer sunshine, and all the ways we as humans make sense of that.

Cultural Significance

Holidays and festivals are key to our lives, and so were they for the historical world I was reimagining. They are connection points for characters. Opportunities to naturally move the story forward with action sequences, unexpected plot twists, or just an excuse to bring all your characters together in one scene that is plausible. It provides a way to understand the world from different perspectives and how these characters view their customs and cultures. Generationally, characters may see these moments differently. Introverts and extroverts will experience the spectacle and parties in their own fashion.

With Udal Cuain, Samhain played a big role in framing the year because of how culturally significant this festival was to Ancient Irish culture. They literally believed the separation between the living and dead grew thin on this night, if their deities were not pleased bad spirits would come to harm and the world may cease to exist the next day. It was not just a night of spooky characters, it was a serious event, and as humans, it explores our own feelings of fragility in the greater universe. Mortals versus immortal forces. This is a fantastic source of natural tension in a story, and as the dead could come back to visit their loved ones it brought a source of mystery to the story.

Two main characters, former Chieftain Conn, and Princess of Inis Aran, Caoimhe were deceased by mysterious and suspicious means in Udal Cuain, but one Samhain they each came back, one to haunt and one to heal. It was a blast to write and I highly recommend playing around with a structure like this in your own unique way.

I hope this dive back into the world of Udal Cuain and the research I did to create this novel, serves to inspire you. Even as I write this, I feel an itch to get back into fiction writing. It is such a challenging yet rewarding art form, and so necessary to our human hearts. Stories make us who we are. Dear reader, thanks for taking time with me today. I wish you all the best.

#9- Early Medieval Ireland

I think my fascination with Ancient Ireland began when I was eight, on a family trip back to Ireland to see “the old country” and meet up with our cousins who live on the homestead in County Antrim. It was a tour around the island, starting in Dublin and rounding the coastline to the Wild Atlantic Way, finishing with the North. As a child, seeing both modern Ireland and ancient ruins next to each other was unlike anything I had experienced before coming from America. I mean, my hometown was founded in 1802, not very old compared to the beehive monastery I’m standing next to in the image above. To me, a storybook had come to life, and what intrigued me the most was what these ancient people were doing with these now stone ruin buildings that were so odd to me compared to how buildings function in our modern context. I was fascinated to understand what this world looked like.

Fast forward to high school, I am impatiently waiting to learn about ancient Ireland as I sit through World History, American History, and European History hoping maybe just maybe this is where I’ll catch a break, but no there was nothing but a short line about the Potato Famine, Oliver Cromwell and the obligatory St. Patrick mention on March 17. I wasn’t the only one disappointed by the underwhelming coverage of world history, a classmate didn’t even get the chance to learn about his home country of Australia.

But one day in my college class History 201 I was assigned a final project that fit the bill, a historical abstract and thesis, on any topic I wanted, this was the moment! Fascinated by this unknown Ireland, puzzled by why Belfast was closed down on our trip for violence, and curious to know why there was tension between my Irish Republic and Northern Irish relatives, I decided to dig into the 1916 Uprising and Home Rule Movement.

When we toured Dublin, I remembered that bullet holes pointed out in the post office, which I found odd at the time, and started there. What I didn’t expect to discover as I did this research was this call back to Ireland’s identity, and ancient Ireland before the Norman Conquest of 1069 AD. One of the High Kings and great legends, castles, and beauty. Ireland of the ruins I saw, a land of fortresses to defend against Vikings and neolithic structures that seemed impossible to build. I also found a deep Catholic sacrificial nature to this rebellion, an identity so complex it was so much deeper than I was expecting and made me crave more! Even after three months of researching for my thesis, I felt like I had just begun there are innumerable layers to the Irish fight for freedom.

A few semesters later as a junior, I had the opportunity to plan my own independent study. I decided to feed my curiosity about the inspirations behind the Uprising and Gaelic culture revival which began before the fight for Home Rule. I wanted this independent study to help me understand the poets, the language, and the culture. I chose the Early Medieval period from the 5th century to the 11th-century invasion by the English to basically study an overview of how Ireland turned from a pagan faith to Christianity, what this meant to the culture and how did Ireland look during this time of Vikings and High Kings. I dove into the legends of the mythical first Irish that enchant the spirit of the ancient culture. The storytelling and imagination were so beautiful to me. This space before the Normans came and began centuries of despair was so pure to me at the time, like Harry’s first time in Diagon Alley or Hogwarts Castle.

I carried this sense of wonder into adulthood, determined to understand this world of myth and legend deeper. When life gave me a few curve balls and I found myself with empty, looming days of unemployment, this sense of wonder carried me into creativity by starting the Muirin Project site and plotting out the novel Udal Cuain, complete with side journals of the Celtic calendar and character journals to fully immerse the reader in this world of my imagined storybook Ireland that my eight-year-old self wanted to explore. But I didn’t expect it to get so dark, and it did get very, very murky. Not that this is a bad history or unworthy to be studied, but I did learn to be careful of what you open yourself up to.

To be continued.

#6- Novel Writing Novice

Udal Cuain was my first novel. It combined three years of research into a long novel that took two and a half years of devoted world-building to create a complex story set in Viking-age Ireland. This world had maps, multiple kingdoms, Old Norse and Ancient Irish culture, and thirty characters to keep straight. It was an amazing mess to make sense of, all while pushing my non-fiction background into the world of imagination!

What did this project teach me?

Carrying a notebook with me was a game changer for my creatively scattered brain, but when the mood struck I had that little notebook at the ready to jot down anything that came to mind. I learned that my brain is okay with working in a non-linear structure, even with plot planning and note organization. I was fine with having a stream of consciousness on the page to reference, all while flipping through my notebook to find that one detail I needed to pull a scene together. In doing so, I would take notes in a way that sometimes repeated previous messages but built upon them so therefore when I began to write a chapter I had a headstart on the flow of the story. This process worked well for me. Now, I don’t imagine it would work well for organized people, so don’t use this as a template, instead find a notetaking system that is in symbiosis with your mind to enhance your creativity. It really works!

The Visual

A huge source of inspiration for me was Pinterest. When I had an idea for a character or location, I would search for inspirational images of character visuals.

  • Character physical traits
  • Costuming and accessories
  • Setting images based on the environment I had in my head
  • Castles, boats, battle scenes
  • Stylized images of a detail – waves crashing, blood dripping, a bird flying, fire

When I was feeling stuck, Pinterest pulled me back into the scene and the ideas would flow onto the page. The photos and artwork shared within that platform truly inspire creativity, like a scrolling mood board. It was one of the driving forces for what Udal Cuain became, in good ways and bad, but more on that later on.

To the Library

What ultimately keeps the process going though, is research. This may seem like a no-brainer, or this may seem bizarre depending on what type of writing you are thinking about making. Even in the case of a pure fantasy tale, the world can still draw inspiration from what we see in the world we live in. By taking the time to research, there was more of a harvest when it came to transforming ideas into storytelling. In some ways, the historical discipline I learned in college, I believe is better categorized as a skill of creativity than a cut-and-dry practice, because those muscles of interpretation can be applied to the art of storytelling.

By gathering that pantry of details, I learned to think ahead of where the current story was and become acquainted with where we were headed. I researched the world of Ireland in the early medieval period along with Norse history during that time to understand what the aesthetic was and how people in a look-alike world could have functioned to give my characters a rooted flair. I dug into language – Ogham, Gaelic, and Old Norse to understand the culture deeper. I researched clothing, weapons, religions, warfare, house-building techniques, tools, technology, cooking, sports, festivals, farming, etc. It was an involved process.

The Familiar

I chose this type of setting because it was what I was familiar with. I studied Irish History in depth in college and at home, my heritage comes from this part of the world and so getting to know my ancestors brought incredible purpose to this project. I think that is ultimately what I appreciate with deep sweetness looking back on what is essentially a failed project, it connected me when I felt disconnected. Finding a world, a plot for your tale, or even a character type that pulls you into a familiar place I would say based on my own experience is a fantastic way to dive into world-building. Go forth and create with confidence because the world needs storytellers as unique as you.

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