Tag: creative life

Making Art From A Nightmare

I was inspired to explore my feelings about this dream and nightmare from a YouTube video I watched by Electra Dashwood. You should check it out!

Tropical Travel Vlogger Trunk

This Fashion Polly-esque playset-looking trunk may look cute and fantastical, but in my dream, it was full of pure nightmares. This dream sequence was so vivid I woke feeling like my life was falling apart, all because of this Pandora’s box. Definitely the effect of some stressful personal situations I had in my life at the time. I’ve been feeling waves of anxiety lately. Although I deeply disliked this trunk in my dream, in art form I wish I had this little gem to store my fabric because it is delightfully bright and vivid. This was drawn in chalk pastel in February 2024.

Cloud Drawing Messenger

This was another odd dream, with my dad, whom I don’t often dream about because I honestly don’t have that many memories with him. After a big boundary breakthrough, I had this dream in which my dad would only communicate with me through watercolor clouds expressing his emotions about what I shared. This was such a cool dream because usually all my dad and I do if we have an emotional conversation, it is in anger and yelling. But this dream was delicate and uplifting. We communicated, and I wish this dream had been real life. The clouds were recreated in chalk pastel in December 2023.

Knitwear Designer

To start the path of becoming a knitwear designer, I first had to quit knitting, totally walking away from it to understand that it was something I was passionate enough to keep growing, pursue, and be willing to fail at to create something beautiful. Sometimes personal growth requires surrendering your plan to find the plan you were called to follow.

These pieces were made two years apart and yet I think they fit seamlessly together even though they were not planned. None of my knitting pieces from 2023 onward were planned because I decided to quit knitting in 2021 and was feeling pretty lost and frustrated in 2022. Knitting became a place of competition with my mom, a comparison with more advanced knitters, and a direct competitor to my sewing process.

It took a while for me to see this skill as an art form instead of a distraction. An extension of fashion design, storytelling, and fiber art. These forms are symbiotic, yet the way I was approaching it created struggle in my mind and it wasn’t until I made peace with the process that I could see how this was a way to continue self-expression and design.

It took being willing to approach knitting the way I feel comfortable instead of the way others feel comfortable, like knitting on straight needles, and taking the scenic route in my knitting technique to learn and improve. I had to accept that my pieces were going to look different because my approach was different than how I was being taught. Because of my background in art and sewing, I think about garment creation as I would in sewing. Knitting is the opposite, instead of cutting shapes out of a whole, you are making the whole shape out of nothing, it’s a brain teaser. It was at least until I took time to think about it.

After I completed the scarf, I put my needles away, donated my excess yarn stash, and walked away. For a year, I didn’t want to knit. I wasn’t inspired, I wasn’t interested. But at that time, I was designing with fabric. I was tailoring and learning how to read patterns. That’s when it clicked. All of it clicked.

It wasn’t that I couldn’t figure out knitting, I needed a better approach! My brain needed time to process the knowledge that I was learning from sewing and knitting. My mind was figuring out what kind of story it wanted to tell. Making a collection in 2022 for my family and friends got the ball rolling in my mind. I realized it wouldn’t be that difficult to be a successful knitter, I just needed to be a knitwear designer and go that extra step to create my own pattern and my own plan. Knitting hadn’t clicked before because I was trying to be like other knitters, instead of experimenting and finding my own style.

Just like personal style, creative writing, and art, you have to find your thing! The process may not feel like progress and that is where falling in love with the process is such an important piece of the puzzle. I have a passion for designing clothing, I’ve had it my whole life, but I was divorcing clothing from knitwear because I was not pushing myself to make clothing. Once I got serious and dove into making an actual garment it transformed my perspective. They are the same just different approaches. One does not need to be a distraction from the other, they can work in sync. That’s when the light bulb went off in my mind – so can accessories. Layers are little things that make a piece pop. If I am going to go all in for design, then a symbiotic relationship between what I design with thread and what I design with yarn must play off of each other. This is how I realized being a knitwear designer was as much a part of me as being a fashion designer, a sewist, an artist, and a writer.

Listening: Portrait of a Bunny

This was a sketch from memory, of my first bunny, Midnight. She was a great listener. A companion who liked quiet, just like me. I loved watching her ears move as she perceived the world around her. This was a quick sketch directly in chalk pastel with minimal blending.

Dark Winter

Rosy, golden haze breaks through the greige. Dark, lifeless sky.

I miss the sun on my pale, blue eyes.

The sun on my face? A vampire’s disgrace!

Winter is finally getting to me.

The wind has whipped, into the ether

and clouds slip, like a blip, and slide away into gray nothing monotone before I can comprehend.

I dream of snow. I dream of the sun. The crunch of cool.

November rain, December shadows, January freeze, this nightmare will not end.

#46 – Sewing Studio

One afternoon day, I hit a wall and found a solution in my workout room. You see I’d been sewing in the living room, not because I wasn’t provided the opportunity to have a sewing room, I think I was just being stubborn. Throughout 2023 though, I began to outgrow the living room setup, galavanting from the coffee and dining room tables. My projects were scattered across the first floor of our home. It was chaos. Fabric scraps, yarn fluffs, knitting needles, pins, computer, charger, sewing machine, sewing pedal, notebooks, paintbrushes, etc.

I hit a wall when I felt frustrated for the 1000th time that my sewing machine was bouncing against the circular antique table instead of being balanced on a proper sewing table. I then switched to cutting out a pattern on the coffee table, littered with life and projects, in this ineffective space I cut the wrong piece. In frustration, I realized this was a product of my own decision-making. It was time to level up and clean the workout room for a proper studio.

I think I had been thinking about this longer than I realized, because, after Christmas, I hung up my new bunny calendar and K-pop posters in the workout room, like a future studio. Even though I wasn’t planning the conversion to a studio, it all worked out seamlessly. I moved some things around, decluttered others, and brought the white folding table up from the coat closet. I brought my machine and sewing notions up, including my sewing treasure chest Kyle made me last year. With art supplies, notebooks, and my computer in toe, there was a magic that happened. It was perfect!

The only money I spent on the conversion were new curtains to keep the space warmer, than the repurposed sheets I had sewn into curtains. It’s the breathing room I need to create and the space from this work I need. Knowing I can step away from a project for the night, without having to clean up the items for dinner, is life-changing. I’m sleeping better.

I think since getting married and working from home, I missed that private space, like having my own room again. I can shut the door and escape into my own little world. That was one of my favorite things about life as a single person. It’s good to keep those things, after life changes. I love my life, but I like who I am more with this studio. I am a lot more patient.

My favorite part of this workspace is the natural lighting. It’s so bright and airy, that it lifts my spirits every time I walk into the space.

I Found My Missing Manuscript

I have exciting news! Yesterday, while I was transferring larger video files from my phone to my Google Drive, something amazing happened. Honestly, it was one of the most surreal things I can remember happening to me.

As the files transferred, a folder with several documents that I swore were deleted, showed up in my cloud. At first, I thought they must be just showing the recent files I had looked at because, to be honest, I don’t go into my drive very often. I saw old work documents I deleted and Udal Cuain. So, as a joke, I clicked on it expecting my drive to tell me that the file did not exist anymore. But to my surprise, that’s not what happened!

I found every draft version of my unfinished manuscript from 2018 – Udal Cuain in this folder. It had the original version, the version with an updated timeline and calendar, the version when I divided the document into two books, and the draft where I began revising and changed the beginning.

It was all there, but it shouldn’t be. I clearly remember deleting it. I remember deciding I never wanted to work on it again. And dang, after looking through all the work I put into this story over two years, I am so glad that whatever glitch happened, did happen because I regretted deleting it. I really did.

I looked at the word count yesterday, around 124,000 words or 250+ pages single-spaced. There’s too much work there to abandon. I have to revise it, right? If I took out the dark directions it drifted towards and reengineered those motifs to a place that reflects who I am instead of who I was trying to be, it could work. It could really work!

I already had a non-fiction book idea I was planning to write this year, so I guess, what is one more project? 🙂

I’m grateful and excited to get started on the revising process because this shouldn’t have happened and I am pleasantly surprised that it did. It makes those lost years of confusion and wandering in a desert of shut doors feel like they were all for something important, something that started that I should have never given up on just because I got a job.

I never thought I would see that project again, and in some way, that’s what I needed for a time, but in 2023, I began to question if I made the right choice abandoning it. I wish I hadn’t but learned to accept that I made a choice and that was that. It’s taught me to keep hold of things, and wait and see instead of making snap decisions. I guess it’s maturity. But, I’m getting a second chance here and that’s pretty freaking awesome!

#44 – Reset Over Resolutions

I’m not a big New Year’s Resolution girl, I’m not sure if I’ve ever seriously done that or just made a joking one in my head when I was a teen cause I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. What I do like doing instead is resetting my habits and schedule after Christmas. Because no matter what phase I am in my life that week between Christmas and New Year’s seems to wreck my daily schedule and motivation like no other.

Blocks of Productivity

My plan was literally to plan, I opened Google Docs and made myself a table for a daily schedule. I have tasks I want to be doing each day or every other day – devotions, exercise, Japanese learning, writing, sewing, knitting, art, and cleaning. Without the schedule, I tend to fixate on one thing all day or jump around not making progress on much of anything except for getting through my YouTube music playlists. My solution? Blocking my time like college. Spending a chunk of time, an hour or two, the most three on a given task to get things done and keep my motivation up.

In the morning I’ve decided I have the option to do devotions, Kanji study, art (natural light dependent), or writing. In the afternoon I prefer knitting, sewing, or writing. Intersperse cleaning and exercise in between tasks. The results? One week in and I’d say, I like it! I’ve made progress on my Kanji vocabulary goals – learning 60 Kanji between two lessons. Blocking the Japanese lessons for first in the morning for two hours is the best time for my brain to absorb it. Knitting or sewing in the afternoon has helped me through that mid-afternoon slump.

It’s also allowed me a way to walk away from sewing if I am not enjoying the process. Instead of devoting a whole day to sewing like I did in the past, blocking sewing to a few hours in the afternoon lets my mind feel like I can accomplish a project and still feel okay walking away after an hour. Because sometimes sewing can make me angry. Yesterday, sewing made me quite mad after my three of my hems jammed into the needle plate. The hem was driven down by the needle and unable to be removed without stitch ripping and eventually ripping a hole in the hem. I was angry and ready to be done and instead of angry sewing, I pivoted to something else knowing I could pick up tomorrow and I would because of my new schedule.

Balance in Writing

Another motivator that prompted me to reset my daily schedule was the writing ideas I had. I mentioned before that I have a fiction idea that I have tabled for now for a more pressing idea, a non-fiction fashion research project. This is going to be a big project that needs structure to get done because I have not researched since college and it intimidates me a bit to think of doing that again without the access of inter-library-loan. I don’t know how straightforward the process is going to be on my own without the resources and my mentor to encourage me forward.

I’ve started writing poetry again, mainly to cope with big emotions, something I want to discuss further in a separate post. I’m enjoying it. I enjoy how it makes me feel to write for the fun of it again. I’ve been writing for the fun of it more and more. Last week, I wrote two lengthy pieces that could be blog posts, but I’m not sure if they are “done” yet if that makes sense. And then there is this blog, I need to be more consistent. A reset I am after this month is to get consistent and if necessary make a content calendar to keep myself on task like I used to in my digital marketing job.

Sunshine Come Back

I want to paint more, to sketch daily, and I truly feel handcuffed by the weather. This fall and winter it has been exceptionally dreary. Like we get hints of sunshine and then the gray rolls in. Today, it is mid-morning and the sun has technically risen but I can’t see it behind the sleet, the dark shadows cast by the gray clouds, and the racing wind. It is hecking depressing and I like rainy days and spooky gray skies, but this is truly messing with the art. I need to figure out a lighting situation. Once I do that I hope to get sketching and painting consistently again. Either way, Spring will come or my lighting solution will.

Seasons of Fashion

My sewing and knitting waves of creation follow seasons, the weather seasons, and not the fashion seasons because I can’t keep up and tend to forget that fashion seasons are the opposite of what you would think they would be. That being said, I made a big push in the fall to wrap up cold weather projects before December and since November, I have taken my foot off the gas pedal. But this coasting has to come to an end at some point and that is what this schedule is for because I have purchased fabric for some big, ambitious makes and those are going to take time. For knitting, I’d like to develop more knitting patterns and start looking at launching a shop in some capacity either with patterns or finished goods. I feel more confident in my knitting skills right now than in my sewing skills, but I am going to challenge myself to track my patterns for sewing this year.

This reminds me, I need to transfer a self-drafted pattern I cut out yesterday to my brown kraft paper before I sew up the side and finish the garment. I should go do that before I forget!

Winter Sunset | 01

Yesterday, as I video chatted with my mom a beautiful sunset washed across the sky above my house. The clouds glowed a cool icy lavender and the sun began trekking westward on a pink and orange fire. It was stunning, a showstopper. A sight I look forward to each year because sunsets, in my opinion, look more beautiful against the canvas of snow and leafless trees. There is a stark contrast that doesn’t appear real and yet it is.

I snapped a picture knowing I had to try painting this, and try over and over again until I learn how to get it right. This is the first attempt of many, maybe a lifetime I don’t know.

The process of developing the glow. It was messy, frustrating, and at times felt fruitless.
Finished painting photographed in natural light. The outside light was fading, yet the pink accents glowed from behind, exactly as I intended. It was great feedback from the painting itself that I may be able to capture the sunset’s glow with practice.
Finished painting photographed in an illuminated room.

#43 – Sketching While I Listen

My go-to in school, during sermons growing up (being honest here), or even while watching television was to have a notebook in hand and to sketch. Usually, my hand would gravitate first to flowers or stars and then sweep towards the runway and I would sketch fashion designs. I did this from 11 years onward until, I think I started sewing which is ironic because you’d think I’d sketch more now. Lately, during phone conversations, I’ve noticed if I’m not doing chores like dishes or folding laundry while catching up with friends and family or knitting, my hand gets an itch to draw. Yesterday as I sat in my husband’s home office while video calling I grabbed random scrap paper and his pen in order to make sweeping gowns. Why? I think old habits and dang, I noticed my listening skills go up when my hands are busy.

I wouldn’t say I struggle to sit still, I think my mind just tends to wander as I conversate with others, and with the random creative energy swirling in my mind, I begin to feel restless. But as I grabbed that familiar pen and began to sketch my mind became clear and tuned to the topic at hand.

I remember my notebooks in school were adorned with dresses, jackets, and full-collections down the side of my history notes interspersed with a flourish of stars and flowers. When I used to watch movies with my mom growing up I would sketch my favorite pieces from the costume design. I think that’s why I fell in love with Joe Wright’s 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice. I know, that the pieces used in the movies are painfully not Regency Era fashion, but those moments of costume design sparked my imagination as a teenager who loved history and fashion.

I didn’t realize I had stopped doing this as a habit until yesterday, and honestly, I don’t want to stop sketching like that again. I think a new goal in 2024 will be to continue sketching when I watch instead of filling my hands with knitting. There’s a special creativity that seems to come from these moments.

Do you like to multi-task like this? What’s your go-to way to relax?

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