Tag: Christianity

Easter Traditions and Celebrating the Resurrection

For a while now, during Easter Week, I feel a bit like Charlie Brown, and like unsatisfied Chuck, I’ve been doing some thinking. Why does it feel like however I’m celebrating Easter that year, it’s just not exactly enough or appropriate for the gravity of what Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Resurrection Sunday truly represent?

Tradition!

Some of this feeling is my fault as I have changed churches a lot and gone through big moves and stretches of not knowing where to attend for a complex of reasons. That being said, I remember as a kid the feeling of joy and exaltation that filled the house from Palm Sunday on when I lived my grandparents. There was the music, a 1995 Easter cantata that my Grandma would play while baking tea rings, a Swedish wreath shaped pastry, for us and the whole neighborhood. It was a tea ring factory filled with music that told the story of Jesus’ triumphal entry, his walk to the Cross, his death and Resurrection, as told from different perspectives of witnesses.

My grandparents, I see now as an adult, gave me an example of balance for this holiday, because it wasn’t somber and it wasn’t trivialized into a holiday about bunnies and chocolate with a splash of Jesus. There was genuine joy, faith, and love for others expressed. Grandma would usually play piano at church on one of the Sunday services and Papa would help serve communion as part of his duties as a church Elder. He and I would enjoy the Easter chocolate after service and my extended family and friends would come over after church for a meal. There was usually a small candy egg hunt for me and my cousins too.

Since then two things have changed in my experience of Easter – the absence of family for those traditions and the absence of faith in our Easter celebrations.

When my mom got remarried I experienced my first Easter holiday where believing Easter was about Jesus was weird. My new family were and are some of the nicest people I’ve met and yet, this day was so weird because I’m not exactly sure what we were celebrating? As they grew up in the church but had moved away from the faith into adulthood and raised my cousins without any context of Jesus, it was an odd day, full of love and great memories, but a bit hollow? It was eye opening in a good way of the bigger context of the world and how not everyone believes the exact same things as you but you can still get along. It was a point of maturity for sure and put this ache in my heart for the old holidays with my grandparents.

The weirdest of these experiences for sure has been the holiday with traditions but without family. Do traditions matter if there is no one to share them with? It’s a weird place to think through because you don’t want to lose your family traditions, but like, you can’t help feeling like its dead without the rest of the family to share with. And this is not because my family all died, no just my grandparents did, and my extended family on that side lives within a 10 mile drive of each other. They simply have no interest in getting along anymore and have just dropped our family connection because of silly disagreements and its sad. Being on the receiving end of it it honestly feels like crap. There have been holidays I have absolutely dreaded because of this and its taken time to start to be okay with the new normal of being an island.

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

Something that has helped me move forward to a new normal has been to focus on what the holiday is actually about – Jesus’s death and resurrection so that we can have salvation from our sins and become a new creation in Him. In doing this I found myself ironically back at the same problem, no matter how I celebrate this day it doesn’t feel like enough. Until yesterday while I was doing dishes and was daydreaming, I thought about something I think is profound.

I think the reason this holiday in the United States feels a bit flat is because this day represents a moment in humanity that is a bit bigger than just a day of remembrance. It’s a day where I want to give thanks to God for sending his son to do this amazing work of redemption. It was the ultimate gift that I have received. It symbolizes a new start and also a day of freedom and independence from my sin. It is essentially four of our major holidays rolled into one – Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the Juneteenth/4th of July. Because of this I’m not sure if I will ever feel truly satisfactory with how I celebrate this holiday. I don’t think its possible and that’s okay. And potentially how the Reformed Presbyterian church (as much as my Wesleyan mind grumbles giving Calvinism the nod here) is right and celebrating the resurrection every Sunday is the most satisfactory.

So I guess my point here from all my rambling is that I miss my family, I wish they would come back but if they don’t its okay because there are others who love me that may not share my beliefs and the ultimate point of this holiday is not ham, candy, or pastry, it’s the resurrection and what we do with this fresh start. Giving in love of our time and our resources to bless others with what we have to continue what Jesus started almost 2000 years ago. He is risen! He is risen, indeed.

Coping with Negative Emotions

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

It’s taken a while for me to find healthy coping mechanisms when negative feelings wash over me. Before I used to push the feelings down and grow numb, I’d clam up, or I’d get angry and stay angry. I’d shop for the heck of it or engage in self-destructive behavior like drinking or fighting with people I cared about until they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’d punish my body with exercise or restrictive eating. After a certain point the negative feelings and my destructive solutions, came to run my life and the anxiety and depression I had been allowing to take root in my life were in the driver’s seat and I was not even a passenger looking out the windshield, but was all the way in the backseat and had no concept of where the car was going.

Three years ago, I decided to take charge of my responses to stress and negative feelings. I stopped using alcohol as a crutch when I was overwhelmed by stressful and painful life situations and decided to look my pain in the eye and face it down. Now, I’m not doing this alone, when I made this decision I surrendered it to God, and chose to let Him be my driver of the car instead of myself or my anxiety and depression. It wasn’t any easy choice. It was scary but also an unknown to be explored. It was a new beginning.

Prayer

Prayer became the immediate lifeline between me and the negative emotions in my mind in combination with spending time in God’s word. Consciously shifting my perspective from, I’m alone and I’m scared to I’m scared but I’m never alone truly helped me feel sure footed when negative emotions clouded over my mind. Was it an instantaneous fix? Yes sometimes and other times it was a slow burn, it’s been a process of sanctification.

Focusing on God can pull me out of panic attacks and remind me that I am loved when dysfunctional people in my life make me question that. But I’ve found that when I’m really dialed into my relationship with God that is where I see the most results because prayer is about preparation. Being consistent so when those big, scary emotions come I can remember God’s promises. Being present keeps my eyes fixed on Him and helps me feel His presence even though I cannot see Him in front of me.

Has it taken away the negative emotions completely? No, they still happen and I still get anxious and depressed but I don’t remain there. Like a rain storm there is a clear sky on the other side, the morning always follows the night.

Poetry

I started writing poetry again back in December after a long hiatus, like maybe five years of turning away from it because of a friendship that I didn’t want to have creative competition in. That was a mistake because poetry, like journaling is an incredible way to walk your mind through your negative thoughts and process them through creating a work of art in words. Whenever my head feels too full with emotions and negative thoughts I pour them on to the page. I have specific notebook for this purpose and I say what I am feeling to my notebook.

I’ve done this as a way to get out of a loop of insomnia I was stuck in because of grief and it helped me digest the pain that was hovering in my mind so that I could move to the other side and back to a more balanced mind. Some poems I share and some are just kept for my own creative expression. It’s like Dumbledore’s Pensieve in Harry Potter. The memories, emotions, and negative thoughts are extracted on to the page where they can live and my mind can have some rest. Which is oh so nice for an over thinker like myself, who will continue to think until the wee hours of the night on problems there is no clear answer to.

Music

Since I received my iPod nano in 2008, I have been a music escapist. I need my headphones and my music at the ready for trips, errands, social situations, etc. I crave that escape when the world feels like too much. I need music to carry me through what I’m feeling and get my emotions out.

I usually run to music when I’m feeling angry, fed up, or in pain. I will play it loud and let the beat and the bass overwhelm me in its world until the anger feels less explosive. I’ll run to music when I’m feeling scared and uncomfortable to distract and get my mind out of the loop its in. Music is motivating. My favorite go to songs when I feel like I’m going to explode from all the emotion inside and I’m feeling anger rise in me are LALALALA Rock Version by Stray Kids, Cover Me by Stray Kids, Bouncy (K-Hot Chili Peppers) by Ateez, Guerilla by Ateez, Haegeum by Suga, Kill this Love by Blackpink, or Drama by Aespa.

Exercise

The other day I felt some unsolvable pain due to an increasingly dysfunctional relationship I have with a parent and I wanted to give into the temptation of destructive behavior. I wanted to drain my bank account with a shopping spree and get very drunk because I felt so helpless from this relationship ever getting better here on Earth. I was frustrated and wanted to feel pain because I was feeling angry and numb. Instead of doing something destructive, I decided to work out, and push my body though exercise to embrace the burn to feel something instead of hurting myself and my future. It worked!

I was motivated to lift weights longer, hold wall sits and planks longer, to push my leg muscles, my core, and my arms to higher reps. It was awesome and constructive instead of destructive but with the release of anger in a healthy way. I remember my Papa telling me that he would channel all the anger he had from his own dysfunctional parents on the football field and get the emotions out through the physicality of the game. It truly made a difference and I was able to no longer feel explosive after my workout because although the pain and negative thoughts were still hovering in the background, I felt like I was no longer trapped in my mind.

Art

When I don’t know what to do with my mind, I make art. I get creative and let myself escape into a world of my own creation in order to get out of my own head and my swirling negative thoughts. Getting creative reminds me of what my purpose is and my calling and helps me to remember that there is more to life than the bad times. There is so much beauty beyond what I am currently stuck in, when I’m feeling low, that I need to carry on and make something beautiful. Get out of my own head and remember that I have worth, I have the ability to create beauty in this world, and I can do better than those around me who hurt me. Art is uplifting. Creating is nourishing. It channels the pain into something more than it started as, it becomes a touch point of connection with others and the world around us.

My favorite way to escape into art is to draw landscapes, flowers, animals, and the sky in the majesty of a sunset.

The Call to Create: Fred Rogers

There is a devotional currently on the Bible app called Mr. Rogers and the Call to Create and it is incredible. It walks the reader through the calling that led Fred Rogers from the desire to become a pastor to a fascination for the potential of what television could become as a way to communicate and connect with others. It was this idea that led him on the path toward a one-of-a-kind ministry opportunity to serve his community with uplifting messages for whatever they were walking through.

Mister Roger’s Neighborhood

As a kid growing up in the United States in the late 1990s and early 2000s, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood was an after-school staple. I knew it was popular in my region, the Greater Pittsburgh Area, but it took me a while to realize how big its reach was. It was not just for my area but for all! Fred Rogers was from Latrobe, PA, and filmed the show in Pittsburgh which is why I thought it was regional. But his neighborhood had a tremendous reach, running from 1968-2001. It has the hallmark of a true calling and was an incredible ministry filling a void in our culture – community. Which in 2024, feels like exactly what we need.

Through his show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, and the themes his show explored he was able to talk to kids earnestly, encouraging them to feel their big feelings, and demonstrated examples of kindness and gentleness in a world that is not gentle or kind. It was about being a good neighbor for all. Compared to other kid shows of its time, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood considered the bigger picture of childhood. It’s not just about learning how to read and do math, there is also room for play, imagination, and emotional intelligence. (Again, it seems ahead of its time and just what we all need right now!)

I understand now as an adult why this show meant so much to me, it was a safe space to not be okay when big emotions hit me, like the confusing and sporadic visits of my Dad and buried traumatic memories from their messy divorce that my kid brain couldn’t process yet. It also gave me a sense of belonging, like there was this little world of coziness, I guess it was like my first comfort show.

I watched a clip of the show recently and was filled with a craving for that safe space of childhood, the comfort and warmth of watching the show in the family room at my grandparent’s house, probably with Papa and Grandma around, and soaking up the imagination and wonder of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. What an amazing world Fred created!

Pulpit or Programming

A particularly big choice Fred Rogers had to make was whether to pursue ministry as a pastor or follow the calling he felt into the unknown of television. He went to seminary and carried forth into television, taking an unorthodox path.

I found this inspiring to learn because life is full of twists, but as I look back on my life so far and think of the lives of others I know, the path forward to where God was ultimately leading them didn’t make a lot of sense at the moment.

There have been many times since graduating from high school that have made me question what all this is for? In the closed doors and detours, is it just the strife and confusion of the fallen world at work? Am I born to fail? These are honest thoughts.

As I dive deeper into my faith and relationship with God, I can sum it up to being moments that create a bigger picture. A broken piece of pottery for a mosaic, that doesn’t make sense from my up close and personal perspective, from God’s higher perspective and plan, it all fits together into one vision. He equips the called, instead of calling the equipped.

Many had criticisms of Fred Rogers’ decision to focus his ministry through Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and to minister to children instead of establishing a ministry in a church pulpit for adults, but as Jesus gave his attention to the children in Mark 10, Fred Rogers did the same, because they matter as much as adults even though sometimes we can forget that in our world.

Fred Rogers earnestly sought to see the world through God’s eyes instead of the lens of what the world says, and I think that is what made his show and his life so impactful. He was compassionate, empathetic, gentle, wise, kind, and loving. If we aren’t fortunate enough to have this example in our lives as a child, from the examples of our family members, which is pretty common, Fred Rodgers’ ministry filled the gaps.

He encouraged imagination and wonder, things that the dark parts of life try to steal from us.

Key Messages

I don’t want to spoil too much of this devotional in case you decide to give it a read-through, but here are some of the key messages from the Bible study that have impacted me to my core as a fellow creative person pursuing fashion, which is not a place where Christian faith intersects. At least, I haven’t run across an example yet.

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Romans 12:1-2 ESV

“So, whatever you eat or you drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,”

Colossians 3:23 ESV

Ministry is not cut and dry. It is not just a church sermon or an act of service, it is a lifestyle, and as a believer, we must strive to become more Christ-like every day, which is what ministry is at its heart. Ministry and calling apply to everything, even things that don’t seem inherently “Christian” like television or fashion. God can work through all things. He weaves it all together in His way, and this devotional truly opened my eyes to things I hadn’t thought of before.

What I Learned

In 2022, I began to consider opening a store and I decided to study my customer base which led me down a rabbit hole of understanding youth culture, and in doing so my mind has been opened to all the ways the younger generation is lonely, seeking purpose and meaning, and is feeling the weight of the stressful world we live in. It made my heart break for how our culture lacks hope and community. I don’t want people to be suffering alone.

In looking for my customer, I think I found my focus for how I want to apply the lessons of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood to my life and my corner of the world. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, lost, or question their worth. I’m not sure how to accomplish this yet, but I realized the important thing is to let God be in the driver’s seat of my life first and then the rest will reveal itself in time.

Final Thoughts

If you enjoyed Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood as a kid and want to know more about the behind-the-scenes of his life and how Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood came about I’d highly recommend checking out the study linked above. There’s no requirement to share my faith to check it out, it’s just a piece of writing that is really good. Thank you, dear reader, for taking time with me today. I hope wherever you are you know that you are loved. Until next time.

Getting to Know the Women of Proverbs

To start 2024, I’ve been getting to know Lady Wisdom, the main character of the book of Proverbs. It’s an interesting dichotomy from what people usually think of the Bible. There are a lot of male main characters and perspectives, and as a woman, do I wish there were more stories I could relate to? Yeah. This study of the book of Proverbs took me down an existential rabbit hole that I have been mulling over sharing. What God revealed to me was an extraordinary takeaway that helped me fall deeper in love with the truth revealed in these pages.

I’ve read Proverbs once all the way through. I’ve made attempts before and got bored or distracted. What’s funny about this book of the Bible is that it is one of those books that as a passing verse or shared takeaway this book grabs my attention. It is probably one of the most easily quoted books, besides the Psalms, for those nuggets of wisdom. It is wisdom literature and poetry so it makes sense why it is so sharable, connectable, and poignant for a casual reader to get drawn in.

As a 21st-century female reader, sometimes it is a bit tough to get as engaged as I read through the book itself. The structure at first glance seems weird. First of all, King Solomon was incredibly wise and yet also incredibly irksome to consider as a king. He had a thousand wives, and endless riches, and gave in to outside influences that led to corruption. Like King David, who wrote most of the Psalms, Solomon was not perfect. He was a human. Even the best humans to ever have lived had their failings. As Isaiah 64:6 says, “We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.”

It is not King Solomon who was wise on his own accord, his decision-making on his own was pretty meh for lack of a better word. King Solomon’s wisdom came from God and all the wisdom he shared in Proverbs was God-breathed so even though it is difficult for my modern brain to separate Solomon’s failings from his work, as we are so apt to do in this social media age, it’s important to acknowledge that the purpose here came from God who is perfect using an imperfect vessel to deliver the words to page because that’s how God works. He redeems His creation.

The next hiccup that trips me up when I read through Proverbs 1-10 specifically are these metaphors! There is a ping pong of contrasting images. Lady Wisdom and the adulterous woman. Again because of being a 21st-century girl this both inspires and gets me all wound up in frustration. Which puts me in a quandary, how can I be annoyed when I believe that all scripture is without error. I was pondering this one night as I was doing my devotions and I was struck by a deep thought.

Who was studying this book when it was written, i.e. who was its original audience? It was written for the education of Jewish readers, due to societal norms at the time this would be men. Particularly in the case of temple schools. I realized God was clever. What is one of the most powerful, attention-grabbing tools? I’ll give you a hint, HBO loves to use it. Sex.

The adulterous woman imagery and the comparison of the adulterous woman representing folly is not an indictment on female character, it’s a strong, attention-grabbing image that is easily understood by the men being educated by the text. Literally, as I’m writing this, Seven by Jungkook just started playing, which is a catchy tune but you can’t dismiss that the lyrics and imagery aren’t one of the reasons it became so popular in 2023. That is ironic and weird timing, but anyway, I realized how deeply God understands how our human brains work. I was humbled by this and weird as that might be, this book of Proverbs was written with literary excellence and conciseness to get the point across without mincing words.

In comparison to the imagery of the noble Lady Wisdom, the adulterous woman is a stark contrast. With the characterization of Lady Wisdom, I realized another thing about how our human minds work – we love to look up to our moms and grandmas. The noble Lady Wisdom is that wise woman in our life directing us to be better by example. It’s an image that these scholars would find easy to remember. It’s a genius structure that I plan to dive deeper into by sharing my notes from my 2024 read-through of Proverbs.

I know this one went down a rabbit hole, but I’m learning that speaking with truth is not against what being a believer is about. Frankness is not wrong and logically exploring what trips me up as I read the Bible is also not wrong because it is an exercise in getting to know someone, in this case getting to Yahweh. Until next time ❤

Proverbs 17:17

I have this new widget on my phone, the verse of the day, and what I love about this new widget is that I can’t accidentally close out the notification like I can with the Bible App’s push notification. I’ve done that so many times by accident and it frustrates me because I like having the verse of the day reminder at the top of my phone. Why do you ask? These verse-of-the-day notifications are sometimes like a voice in the wilderness, paraphrasing Isaiah 40:3. It cuts through the chaos, the world’s inhumanity, and all that life throws at us. It reminds me to stop and remember who stands beside me through every moment – Jesus.

Today’s verse of the day is a verse I remember from childhood, it was the theme verse of my Bible cover. It was shortened to include the first phrase of the sentence – “a friend loves at all times” and featured a cartoon-style illustration of a group of kids with their arms around each other like they were posing for a photo. They were united in love for one another. I liked that case because it reminded me that I could feel the fellowship I longed for being an only child with my friends. I could get a taste of the community my friends and cousins had instead of feeling like the odd one out.

It wasn’t until much later, it could easily be my Bible read-through in 2020-2021, that I understood there was more to the verse. There is more to this verse, and the entire second half of a sentence that fills me with emptiness not because I am an only child, but understanding what the verse means – family united. Recently there has been a lot of family in my life again and it has taken me some time to get used to having people around again.

In the last ten years, my family has seemed more like Coyote to my Road Runner.

There has been a lot of betrayal, suspicious decisions, and big divides. When I read that verse this morning I was struck by how I associate friends with the security of family and family with the cloak of the adversary in my life. The villain mostly instead of the place I run to. Am I really that jaded? Cause that sounds jaded and not like a person in a healthy place. I shouldn’t be scared of family, but I am. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to be let down.

A longtime friend and I just ended our friendship and the weirdest part about the whole thing has been the rollercoaster of emotions flooding my mind. I feel grief like she died, but she didn’t our relationship did. I feel like I lost my sister, but ironically what sent me running for the hills in our disagreement was how much she began to remind me of my sister, my dad’s youngest. We have different moms. We have a lot of baggage and the relationship is quite toxic.

In the final days of our friendship, I was freaked out once I saw how much our friendship had grown into a toxic state mirroring my relationship with my sister. The crossover from a safe friendship to a toxic family dynamic frightened me. Ironically since we had to part ways because we couldn’t seem to right our problems, I have been grieved about losing a “sister” figure in that friendship. Even though the friendship was unhealthy for a long time, I felt a sisterhood with her because she wasn’t actually related to me, and I overlooked the ways we were unhealthy for each other because it is safer to cling to this faux-sister thing than to leave it behind. I completely wish my friend well and want her to find a support system that works better for her because the toxic dynamic that we brought out in each other was no good for anyone.

And yet, I find myself feeling like that little kid again with the Bible cover hoping I find a new community even though I do have a community right in front of me, but some of that community involves family. I’m definitely supposed to learn something here.

So, why am I sharing all this? When I saw this verse pop up on my widget I was struck by how serious this is for our communities and our world. Family should not be the ones who hurt us, but they can and they do, on varying levels of seriousness, some being very, very serious levels. God gave us the structure of family and of friendship. They are inherently good things. But we use them for bad because we are fallen humans. We are capable of creating unrepairable damage, where I stand with several family members and it sucks knowing that we may never be able to repair this on Earth.

I think being a Peacemaker, as God calls us to be is more than just finding reconciliation, I think it’s also about filling those gaps in society. Some people have family members who have done evil things and their actions and continued choices have made it impossible to reconcile on Earth as it stands, it’s all in God’s hands for now. Being a peacemaker does not mean forcing insincere apologies, or forcing families back into dangerous, even deadly situations. Being a peacemaker challenges us to bring God’s kingdom here. To love, to comfort, to fill the gaps, and to show who God is and what He freely gives to us all if we accept Him. None of us have earned it or deserve it and that’s not the point. The point is to glorify God and allow Him to transform our lives and our world. Being a willing vessel is what is important.

I was watching a documentary last night called Jonathan & Jesus, it’s on Amazon Prime, and in it, Jonathan Roumie met with the leader of Civil Righteousness, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, and spoke about what being a peacemaker is and I was struck by how much daily myself and the world around me misses the point of what that means. Especially for me, I think of my family. It’s like we have divorced ourselves from acknowledging that is part of the Christian life. But in the early church, Christians were the peacemakers, the outposts of hope in dire situations like plagues. There are a lot of things, I remembered, that we are missing the plot about. Some days it feels overwhelming to think about creating change, even in my own life not just in my community, or my country.

This verse of the day really humbled me. The documentary humbled me. The words of Jonathan Roumie, Brandon Flowers, Alice Cooper, Jonathan Tremaine Thomas, Francis Chan, etc humbled me. But also filled me with hope and purpose. A reset. I’m resetting a lot this month, I guess between my schedule and my focus. That’s why I love the verse of the day, God speaks through this app and through documentaries, His voice is everywhere as long I listen.

Truth in Love

Daily writing prompt
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
View all responses

That I told the truth, with respect and dignity toward others. That I told the hard truth in love with good motivation. I hope they could say that I was not swayed from the truth when outside pressures were vying for supremacy in my mind. And when I failed I didn’t hide from the truth of my failure to make it right, instead, I humbled myself for the sake of truth.

 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:4-8 NIV

Learning to Wait for Direction

In a previous post, Listening to the Bible App’s Audio Version, I switched up my Bible listening to Bible reading to get out of a rut I was in, and it worked really well! I was crushing chapters upon chapters and fitting in the Word where I could including listening to a book while I got a shower and ready for bed, while I was sewing, etc. It was an effective way to consume a lot of the Bible at once. I realized though that spending time in God’s word and daily time with God is a lot more complex than I realized.

So it is true that I was consuming a lot of the word, I listened to Lamentations in one sitting. Hosea was a quick listen that made some of those destruction chapters a quick fly-through, which helped a lot to get me more familiar with those unknown places in the Bible, a goal I felt God leading me to this whole year. My goal in 2023 is to let God lead me through the Bible and let Him teach me what He wants me to know as life unfolds because sometimes knowing where to go next is overwhelming. The Bible is a large book full of many different kinds of writings, and that is where I got into a slump this fall. I try to listen faithfully but sometimes discerning God’s leading can be tough for me as a human to focus on. I get distracted and wander. As I listened to book after book quickly through my day, I realized I was wandering and not letting Him direct me. My wandering wasn’t a bad thing, but focusing and listening to where He wanted me to study next was going to be greater than what I could lead myself to on my own.

I believe that my biggest takeaway from 2023, is to not distract myself from the bigger thing that He has planned just because there is a good option in front of me. Taking the wrong turn in life is not necessarily an extreme thing, it can be just a divergent path that will still bring good things but may not be the ultimate plan God had for me for my life or just for that day. There is a lot more subtly to it than I understood before, and in doing so I understand that being in the relationship daily and being present keeps my eyes and ears tuned for what He has in store for me.

In typical human fashion though this is a lot harder to accomplish than I believe it to be at face value. Because life happens. Like unexpectedly getting sick during a crappy time of the month and having your schedule all thrown off. When life gets busy and chaotic, I slack on my good-for-me habits, including being present in my relationship with God. And one night last week when I was feeling rather low from being sick, feeling behind on what I needed to do, and wanting to catch a break, that was not happening. I just wanted to feel healthy again, and I thought I was getting better but it was confusing, the symptoms were coming in waves, as was my energy.

Before bed, I felt incredibly discouraged as I had another setback, and I got angry with God. I wanted to know why a health issue I had been working to manage for a few years seemed to be regressing and becoming even more of a concern, I wanted to know why I had to, at that moment, feel so lost and alone. In frustration, I went back downstairs and began to knit instead of sleep. I googled and stitched, looking for answers yet feeling like I was now drowning in information. I felt like crying or freaking out, I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t want to wake my husband or call my mom, not at 1 am. It was then that I got my daily verse notification, like 3 hours off of when it is scheduled to come each day, and this is what it said:

Cast your burden on the Lord,
    and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved.

Psalm 55:22 ESV

I was shocked. I was angry at God and yet He was present and reminding me of His faithfulness. That is unlike how we treat each other as humans. It’s unnatural to us but not Him. I could feel His presence so strongly with me and the information I had googled began to sink into my brain instead of swirling around in anxious musings, and I realized my health issue was getting better there was a key part of the process I was misunderstanding but that what I was experiencing was getting back on track. I felt a peace that transcends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

In that moment I understood that I needed to slow down and listen because the answers to my questions and worries were there but I had stopped up my ears in distractions and anger. I’m not good at waiting for directions. I tend to fuss. Reigning that behavior, I’m learning is more important than we know. The instant nature of modernity is clouding my attention to learn to be still. I’m not satisfied to exist in that state of mind.

Do you find it easy to be still and wait for further direction? How have you learned to temper that behavior in your own life?

The Proof of Your Love

Yesterday I was knitting and catching up on Youtube videos when my playlist took an interesting turn. I watched two videos back to back from different creators that touched on the same message, an important message that actually prompted me to think deeply about a TikTok video and its eventual dragging by the internet. Now, I am not a fan of TikTok or TikTok culture. I think that it is changing how we interact in some harmful ways, like encouraging main character syndrome and resurrecting toxic beauty standards, but I am learning to have an open mind because of something key I learned recently that broke my heart.

A lot of people my age and younger don’t feel like they have friends and people they can count on. There is a growing loneliness and a lack of community, even though we are theoretically more connected than ever. I know that I have felt seasons of loneliness crash over me since I became an adult, and there were years when I didn’t feel like I had any friends my own age. But I was never truly alone because I had a community around me and family, I realize now that I’m older and more mature that I was incredibly blessed to have them and that having family and community and friends is not a guarantee.

Even writing that feels unnatural to me, how is being alone the default now when there are 8 billion people on this planet? We are seriously doing something wrong if this is the reality some people are facing and I want to do something about it, but I’m learning that some people think this is a joke and that kills me.

Now, people my age and younger share a lot of their lives on social media, something that is received with mixed reviews from our parents and other people older than us. It is seen as odd, opening ourselves up to trouble, or self-centered which yes, there is a main character syndrome, but honestly is that what Karens do too? So it’s a human problem to do that, exacerbated by social media, but what I learned recently is that people are sharing so much because our friendships are declining or non-existent and the only human connection some of us are receiving at the moment is sharing with our social media friends, who most of the time are people that are more like acquaintances or could be total strangers to us. Our real-life friendships are dissipating into relationships of sending reels back and forth instead of having a conversation, why are we doing this? Because we all live too far away from each other, are too broke to visit each other and for the majority of people, work a 9-5 that is consuming our time and ability to keep up with relationships.

This is where TikTok comes in again, there is a video by a creator named brielleybelly123 that is making the rounds on the internet for her honest emotional breakdown because she is feeling overwhelmed by how lonely her life has become due to her 9-5. She is a recent college grad who is working a 9-5 job that requires hours of commuting. She is far from family, and friends, and the ability to get to know new people. She is community-less and the reality that this is her everyday worries her. This is an incredibly valid feeling to have, I mean who hasn’t been overwhelmed by changes in life? We all have those moments, I did going into high school, college, every new job, and after every move to a new city I’ve made. Actually, my current town is the first place in seven years since moving out of my mom’s house and I have a friend in my town. Like a legit girl friend that I can lean on in good and bad. In those seven years, I’ve also strengthened the long-distance friendships I have with friends from college and childhood, but if I hadn’t been able to keep those relationships going, I’m not certain if I would have any friends. Which is quite bleak to think about.

We are relational beings created to be in community, to be loved, and to love. This morning when I was listening to music, this truth hit me deeply as “The Proof of Your Love” by For King and Country filled my ears.

[Verse 1: Luke]
If I sing but don’t have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring, an empty voice
A hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don’t have love
I leave a bitter taste
With every word I say

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Verse 2: Luke]
If I give to a needy soul
But don’t have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

[Bridge]
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When it’s all said and done
Ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

[Monologue: Joel]
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day
And if I have faith to say to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing
If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere
So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I’m bankrupt without love

[Chorus]
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You
And what You’re made of
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love

The song is based on 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 which says “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

What is the point of the 9-5 grind and gaining the world if you lose your humanity in the process? And I would argue that having love is an essential part of our humanity and what makes us keep going. And so I was disturbed by something else I saw before bed last night, that brielleybelly123’s honest cry was being mocked by conservative-leaning people who claim to be believers. I’m sorry but that doesn’t align with scripture. What does align with who God calls us to be is to love your neighbor as yourself, and to serve the widows, the orphans, and the lonely. When Jesus came to live among us, he sought out the outsiders of society, the lonely ones. American exceptionalism belief of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is in direct contradiction to what really matters, God’s plan for how we interact with each other. It is disgusting to me to be honest that people are making whole videos making fun of her, but in the same breath will claim Christ. What is the proof of your love commentators, hm?

Now I’m not saying this is easy, or that we don’t all make mistakes. I literally fall short all the time, but the important thing is that we stay on the road and keep trying so that the proof of our love speaks to something bigger than us.

Listening to the Bible App’s Audio Version

I looked back through my posts the other day and realized it has been over a month since I shared a Bible Study post. I was surprised by this, but then I thought about it. Yeah, it makes sense, I’ve been aimless in my Bible reading. Opting to listen to the audio version on the Bible app rather than to sit down and have quiet time with the Lord. My reading routine in the morning has become a floating plan to whenever I take a break to be still with my Bible reading. As it goes life has gotten in the way and I’ve found myself fitting in a Bible listen at the end of the day while I get a shower, do my nightly planks, or while I work out. It’s been in the background, and I’ve wondered, am I getting as much out of this?

The Book of Daniel

It’s certainly been different. I’ve noticed that I am less likely to be familiar with the text, as in where in the chapter or book of the Bible I can find the information again. I don’t take notes because of the format change which has led to a decline in journalling about it. A positive is that I’ve been invigorated by this audio form in sections of my reading that have been confusing, laborious, and even a bit strange. Yes, I said strange and I am talking about the Bible. The last half of the book of Daniel is quite strange. It is a multi-chapter section of prophecy so otherworldly that Biblical scholars cannot perceive its full meaning. It has not been revealed to us yet or maybe it is not important for us to understand it, because as a 21st-century human maybe this prophecy from 600-500 B.C. simply isn’t applicable to us in the new covenant.

Even now as I begin to mention this section of Daniel I see an important point of my audio Bible listening illustrated – when I read this prophecy section my mind gets bogged down by what I am reading. I instinctively want to understand the text for the process of reading comprehension like they trained us in school but alas, I can’t fully understand it. In this process, my mind seems to get the loading screen of doom and I tend to get overwhelmed and stuck in one section of the Bible for a long time, fruitlessly. What I discovered while listening to the final chapters of the book of Daniel while riding the bike and other cardio exercises was that I could absorb the information in its strange form and let it be absorbed without getting bogged down. The narrator read the fantastical images as they were written in the text. My mind accepted it and took it in because it acknowledged the narrative nature of the text without needing to figure everything out before I accepted it.

Now should I go back and take notes? Yes, I need to definitely go back through that section because it has some descriptions of creatures that are more bizarre than DNAmy’s Cuddle Buddies combinations. The images are like Pokemon come to life and I want to try to make sense of it again. But I learned something valuable, if there is a section I feel discouraged by because of its height of difficulty or simply the language being used, listening to it is a viable option. So I tested this again.

Paul’s Correspondence with Corinth

My hypothesis proved fruitful. Listening to confusing first-century A.D. letters from the Roman Empire can certainly become easier to understand if they are read to you. Why? I believe it is because they are written with different grammatical standards and trends due to their translation and age that make it sometimes painful for a 21st-century reader. Think about Shakespeare or the Greek Tragedies – would you rather see them performed or read them to yourself? Unless you are Rory Gilmore, I would say the performance option is going to be the popular choice. Honestly, this made a huge difference. Paul is a fantastic speaker, he also uses continual run-on sentences. But if you take the context back to a letter that was read to the congregation, well then, we don’t write the same way we speak, do we? It helped me simply understand the point of his sentences. To glean the correct information and accept the information which specifically tries my patience. I’m referring to the case of certain passages addressing the women of Corinth that are difficult to get on board for in my modern Western context because they seem to muddy the waters.

Now the Apostles did disagree on things and both points of view are recorded in the canonical Bible, but context also plays a role which makes reading these sections, like 1 & 2 Corinthians a bit of a chore. These letters were written to address specific happenings with specific people and as such because they are letters yet included in the Bible, this makes understanding whether it applies to all of us to this day or just the women of this 1st century congregation is higher than my mind works. There is a lot of reading by faith and prayer because if I don’t I just get frustrated by the confusion.

Random Acts of Audio

I would highly recommend switching between reading the Bible with your physical book and listening to audio versions. Last night, I listened to the narrator read through the Book of Joel and most of Amos, which are books that are not cheery. God is both angry and disappointed in His people and that can be hard to read at times. Not only for the prophecy of destruction but for the pain God is feeling because His people have rejected Him and rejected Him for centuries. When a relationship is disrespected and treated as less than over and over again, there is acute pain. Studying the Bible has a transformative power in which you begin to see things through God’s perspective and not your own. It is sad thinking about how my Heavenly Father was betrayed by his children and yet is bound by His righteousness and justice to cast out evil. It reminds me that relationships, done badly are filled with pain for both parties. I’m not sure if I would have understood all the meaning contained within Joel and Amos’ words if I had read them instead of hearing them being read. There was repetition to their narrative structure that was evident as they were being spoken, as the prophets Joel and Amos would have done in the 5th and 7th centuries B.C. Interesting stuff, right?

It’s Me, I’m the Problem

I want this post to be as real as possible. As I am currently tapping these keys into letters on this virtual page, I am uncertain if this will actually get posted. I don’t write enough and I think that is because I get too into my head. Perfectionism takes hold and I let the ideas flow out of my brain and into the atmosphere. I let myself talk my creative mind out of ideas that may be wonderful. I stumble and overthink. I’ve been thinking about what’s on my mind today for a couple months now, actually a couple years if I take stock. Okay, here it goes.

I’m bad at going to church, I’m not even sure if I like it or have ever liked it. Yikes. I said it. But I want to be different because I would like to have a community in my town and also keep a teachable spirit throughout my life.

Early on, church and school melded into one – private Christian education. That remained a constant throughout my time at college. Becoming an adult and reflecting on my time in church communities across various denominations has confused me more than it has filled me with an appetite to go. I feel shame for my feelings and I’m also concerned that if I called out the reasons in the circles that have left me feeling this way they would shut their ears until I “repented” and then they would still not hear me out.

Denominations I have attended or interacted with at school or in life:
Reformed Presbyterian
Christian Missionary Alliance
Nazerene
Catholic
Orthodox Reformed Presbyterian
Russian Orthodox
Greek Orthodox
Presbyterian USA
Seventh Day Adventist
Presbyterian split from USA
Evangelical Presbyterian
Non-Denominational
Presbyterian PCA
Baptist
Pentecostal
Methodist
Anglican
Lutheran
Mennonite
Amish

It’s quite the cross-section, spanning North America and Europe. Through these different church doctrinal cultures, I have been the weird kid with no siblings. The weird kid with a single mom. The weird kids with divorced parents. The weird kid who lives with her grandparents. The weird kid with no dad. The weird kid with catholic family members, whom my Reformed Presbyterian friends and family could not approve of. I’ve been the one who is uncomfortable by how Protestants self-righteously look down on Catholic and Orthodox friends. I’ve been the one who has felt out of place.

The girl who has been questioned, privately and publically about my faith because I like art and want to become a fashion designer. I have been questioned about my faith because I do not have children yet I am married. I have been questioned about my faith when I was the breadwinner of my relationship temporarily because my husband took an opportunity that temporarily had a pay cut. I’ve been questioned about my faith because of tattoos, ear piercings, fashion choices, and clip-in purple hair extensions. My salvation has been mocked because I sing hymns instead of psalms.

I’ve encountered churches that would not let me join or take communion unless my husband was first a member. I’ve encountered people who are self-righteous about their Pentecostal experiences. I’ve also attended churches where the pastor looks like an MTV cast member and preaches that your life will be full of wealth and privilege like him if you listen to him. I’ve heard sermons teach unbiblical things for the sake of social capital and popularity. I’ve encountered out-of-touch snobbery and generosity from humble people.

I’ve genuinely enjoyed four churches – the Spanish service in Paris at a very old church, Pastor Knapp’s preaching at First Presbyterian Church in an old stained glass stone church, SOMA in a random basement of building seated at tables instead of pews so that you could have a meal afterward (it was an inner city mission in my hometown), Compassion Christian with their rockband and folding chairs. My first thought after writing that is to realize that the “church” really doesn’t matter to me, it’s the people and their kindness. Their love for the Lord and his Word by which they are seeking to be Christ-like instead of being Christian – my favorite descriptor, not.

I have no idea what the point of sharing this is other than the fact that it is on my heart, and I feel led to talk about it because I don’t want to feel dread at the thought of joining a church, but I currently do. I don’t feel dread of stepping foot in a church or listening to a sermon and worshipping God. I’m not afraid to be identified with Christ or to share my testimony. But dang, the cliques, the judgment, and the bickering of the people in the church have really messed with my perception of the church. I’m not a snowflake for feeling that way, and I’m also not living in sin, I just know there is more I could be doing for the Kingdom of God if I joined a church that I will be missing out on if I can’t seem to get past this pothole in the road. It’s like a massive February pothole on a Pittsburgh road that might swallow your car hole if you hit it right.

I guess the point of this post is to bring community to the other ones like me who simply do not feel heard or welcome to voice the church hurt that they have. The ones who are struggling to separate who God is from these crazy humans running the operation called church. Can we help each other?

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