I’ve written a few times about how peaceful gardening and being in the garden can be. Escaping from technology, surrounding yourself with nature, and being fully present with your plants has nothing but a positive effect on your life. But that doesn’t mean it is a perfect prescription for everything in life, and this summer, I found myself battling mental health problems that the garden alone couldn’t solve.

This post will be a bit different from what I typically write here, but I think it’s important to share. As a guy, there’s often a stigma surrounding mental health and attempting to get help (or at least that’s the case in the United States). This is a little bit about recognizing that I needed help and how it’s going so far.

Owning a House & Having a Garden Were What I Always Wanted

Buying our own house and having a yard big enough for a large in-ground garden were two goals I’ve had for a few years. When we were in the house we previously rented, I always said that it was going to be the last place we rented. I knew that only so much of that was in our control, but I was hopeful. The opportunity presented itself after three years, which was earlier than we would have liked, but with much prayer, help, and perseverance, we stuck with it. After signing all the paperwork and moving in, there was great excitement, but I still didn’t feel as happy as I probably should have. When last winter arrived, I was very happy and excited to be planning our first garden. I was also happy early in spring to be digging new garden beds, which I wrote about in great depth. But something still wasn’t right.

Feeling Off

Even in the midst of all the excitement that comes with gardening, I found myself being frustrated, irritable, and angry at the drop of a hat. Even in situations where I should have been happy, such as planting seeds, I was getting overly upset at little things. For example, if I put too many seeds in one area, I would beat myself up. That alone isn’t the worst thing; however, it affected my mood and how I interacted with those around me, including Magz. I would be short in how I communicated with her and have an edge to my voice.

I also began putting unnecessary pressure on things. I constantly focused on what was going wrong with the garden or what work needed to be done next instead of enjoying our successes or taking breaks. Weeds needed to be pulled and fertilizer needed to be added regardless of the temperature or UV index. This led to me being outside in the afternoon on hot, sunny days when the temperature was above 90 degrees. That work didn’t need to be done at that exact moment, but I felt like it had to. Worse yet, was that I passively applied that same standard to Magz. She asked me if I needed help or would be disappointed if she didn’t help (even though I know that she doesn’t do as well as I do in hot weather). I would tell her no, but when I came back inside, I would either act like I just did the hardest work anyone has ever done or would hold a grudge over it.

The last things I noticed were regularly being tired even after getting a good night’s sleep, no longer being interested in hobbies or activities I like, being moody, struggling to make decisions, and feeling as though I couldn’t hold conversations. In general, I felt depressed and down. Magz regularly asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t pinpoint anything and just said that I felt off. Eventually, this led to us fighting pretty regularly and me not feeling confident in my ability to get out of the fight. I just felt paralyzed in my own mind and body. Finally, in July, I realized that I needed help. Mentally, I was at rock bottom, but I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t interested in doing in-person therapy because I struggle to open up to people in person right away. Through our insurance, I found numerous services that provide virtual therapy, and the best part was that I could apply filters to find someone I was comfortable with.

Finding a Therapist, First Sessions & Progress

I wanted a therapist who is a Christian and a man. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to a woman in that situation, and I wanted a Christian counselor because I felt that it would be important to have a similar faith background. Within an hour, I found someone I was interested in, scheduled an appointment, and filled out the initial consultation. In a week or so, I had my first session, which was quite awkward.

Prior to this, I had never sought help from a therapist, although I should have. My parents’ divorce, multiple traumatic incidents, and some general emotional events that I never dealt with were all examples of times that I should have spoken to someone. Because of that, I had no idea of what to expect. I originally thought that I’d be “healed” in five or so sessions and didn’t want to drag this thing out. Boy, was I wrong. The first session was a basic “get to know” Kyle meeting where we went over my expectations and goals, and I began to tell him about my background and why I was there. Besides the goals and expectations, that’s actually how my first few sessions went, and I’ve only recently started to move beyond the intake portion of therapy, but I’m seeing real progress.

My therapist has given me the tools needed to process and react to situations and events that trigger me. I didn’t know it, but my ability to handle triggering situations in a healthy manner was basically stripped down to zero. I would overreact to everything and be unaware of how my body and mind were reacting to situations in the moment. Not recognizing this, I would respond to lies that I was telling myself, and situations would blow up. These new tools helped me slow everything down, recognize the emotions and bodily reactions I was experiencing in a given moment, and process them so that I could have a healthy reaction that was rooted in reality instead of falsehood.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned so many things from therapy. One is that it’s okay to admit that you need help. That’s a cliché, but it’s true. Not being okay is okay, but you don’t want to stay there. The second thing is that it’s really easy to fall into bad patterns of mental health. I never intended to develop poor reactions to events. It was a slow process that happened over time. The third thing is that developing healthy patterns takes a lot of work. You have to rewire how your mind responds to situations. You’ll have setbacks, which can be disheartening, but it’s important to stick with it. And the last thing is that it’s all worth it. It’s a time and financial commitment, and it’s also going to hurt if you allow yourself to be transparent with your therapist, but being healthy again is completely worth it.

And one more thing. Let’s call it an honorable mention. And this is for my fellow Christians who are having mental health struggles: Don’t let anyone tell you that your struggles are the result of not praying enough or that you don’t have enough faith. God is able to do anything and can solve a person’s struggles without any effort from us. But sometimes, it’s important that we put in the work, meet with a professional, and be able to process what’s causing our struggles.

Don’t Be Afraid to Get Help & Learning to Love Life Again

I started this post by talking about the stigma surrounding men and their mental health. Society is a much safer space for guys to have serious conversations about their mental health, but the sigma is still present. There are plenty of men (and women) who think guys are weak for seeking help with their mental health. If you’re struggling with mental health and would like to speak to someone but are concerned about how someone would view you, you owe it to yourself to get yourself help. Oftentimes, people aren’t as abrasive as we think they’ll be. But if you have a friend who would make fun of you or speak negatively of you wanting to get yourself help, you deserve better friends.

Now, let’s get this back to the garden. I struggled to find joy in the garden in spring and early summer. That began to change after talking to my therapist. It wasn’t instantaneous, but in August, I began to feel like myself again. I began to let the little things that went wrong in the garden go. We could only do so much to prevent the deer and other critters from getting into the garden, and it was wonderful to walk the garden and see the progress of our pumpkins. I also began to find joy in my favorite hobbies. I started the coffee table project and finished it in a (personal) record amount of time. Things are really beginning to look up, and I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. I hope that if you are struggling with your mental health that you find someone you feel safe with and help yourself. You owe it to yourself. Your life is invaluable, and you deserve to live it to its fullest.