Candlesticks

I find inspiration abundant when I am at home, my “home” home. The way my mom decorates brings me happiness! From the colors to the textures, it is a layered cake. There are some pieces that are quite old and have lived full lives before they found their way here. Others have a story, a memory attached that I think of, or a purchase memory itself, on one of our many mother-daughter outings as a kid. As I look forward to the future of decorating my own house, the warmth, and joy I feel being here is something I cherish and hope to instill into the new home we are about to settle into.

Candlesticks of glass, metal, and wood drawn in pencil and oil pastel on paper.

June 13, 2024

It’s Not Busy Work, it’s Motivation in the Chaos

When I was a kid and honestly, into adulthood, I thought studying the Bible and understanding the entire story, the nooks and crannies of the book that get skipped over, well I thought it was a lot of busy work that I wanted no part of. Especially after those four years of academia, no thanks.

But then I saw people in my life, who did spend all that time being consistent in the Word have much less stress and worry, despite stressful and difficult things. It didn’t make sense to me. I just thought they were more mature than me or could handle life better, as each stress and challenge KO-ed me into a tailspin of anxiety. Maybe they were lucky? Tougher?

They might be, but honestly, since I decided to try their method and read the entire Bible from 2020-2021, I felt like I had a new well of examples to draw on when life got hairy. A reminder of God’s promises to think about instead of comparing my circumstances to others and questioning why this bad lot was happening to me. It sparked the faith and hope for a tomorrow that sustained me through the past two months.

It wasn’t an instantaneous change. I didn’t realize I had made progress until I put work in. Like with everything in life, building faith, learning to hope, and having a scriptural reminder to lean on during the tough days took effort and consistency. Like a workout plan, a garden, language learning, etc. It all takes time and practice. I think that is why there is such an emphasis on perseverance and courage in the Bible because in those moments that test us faith, hope, and peace arrive because you have taken the time to immerse yourself in the manner in which God does things.

It’s motivation in the chaos when nothing makes sense and even you are second-guessing your own choices. For example, the eclipse, which I mentioned before I wasn’t a fan of, but in the moment of the totality, unless you have the knowledge of astronomy to understand that the sun isn’t actually disappearing, it just appears blocked because of the orbit of the earth around the sun perfectly lining up with the orbit of the moon at the right time. Although I knew that was happening, the eerie feeling of the sun ceasing to shine in the middle of the day was bizarre! I knew it would come back and the eclipse would only last a few minutes, there was that little voice in the back of my head that was whispering doubt that everything wouldn’t be okay and the sun would get lost back there, maybe take a wrong turn.

That little voice of doubt lives in all of us. It comes out at the most inconvenient times! It has arrived and set up camp in my head through this whole house debacle. Through all the chaos, I was spending time in prayer but I was struggling to find time to sit down with God’s word and find new motivation. As a believer, reading the Bible is a source of refreshment, it feels like listening to a song which amps you up, I also do that too. (My current favorite is WORK by Ateez). I was worried through all the chaos that not spending time in God’s word would lead to me running out of gas and losing my heart to carry on.

In a recent post, I spoke to where I’ve been but all the chaos of our landlord’s decision to sell the house we lived in and offer us a sketchy deal on it was just the half of it, as we were looking for peace from her lack of boundaries and decorum, we were also looking for a new place to live. There were days when my landlord would dump a whole bunch of stress on my shoulders and then personally the details for our new house would throw down hurdles of chaos. Endless paperwork, the possibility of it not being possible at all, and having to find a new plan, it was a lot and I was surprised in those moments how scripture passages of encouragement from Psalms and Proverbs or stories of struggle by real people in the Bible would find their way into my mind. It would reinvigorate my drive to keep going. It kept me from quitting in frustration.

As a kid, things with my dad leaving us at an early age reinforced this narrative in my head that I didn’t deserve happiness or that the other shoe would always drop. Even though God provided a better life than I would have ever had with my narcissistic and verbally abusive dad, instead of focusing on the good, my brain has fixed on the bad. I have given up on so many hard things in life because I hit a bump in the road and just thought it was what I deserved. It sounds so silly to say it out loud. By digging into the Word over the past four years, that time of study has assisted me in pushing that voice down, in order to reframe what God has in store for me.

Things will probably get bad, over and over again. This world is fallen and can really suck sometimes. There will be jerks but there will also be good people. In life there will be times of joy and sadness, there will also be times of hardship. One setback is just a setback, not a lifestyle. I wish I had pursued studying the Bible sooner because I think there was a lot of peace available in my life that I refused to acknowledge. I did it the hard way, alone. It didn’t need to be like that.

Even if you are not a person of faith, I hope this encourages you to prioritize your mental health so that you will have a deep well to draw from on those hard days. You are not alone. I think you are awesome. ❤

June 7, 2024

My Experience with PDF Sewing Patterns

Earlier this year, when I was planning what I wanted to make as additions to my wardrobe I found a brown, I believe it is taffeta fabric, in my stash. I’ve been at a loss of what to do with it since I got it because it’s so different than what I usually sew with, but that’s a good thing! I know it will push me out of my comfort zone with its hue and shiny finish, so I want that garment to be special when I finally make something out of it. I do not want a repeat of the pink scuba pants!

I’ve pondered using it as a lining fabric for my pirate coat, I’ve also considered using it as an underlayer for a sheer fabric I have in my stash, etc. So far nothing felt right, aside from an idea I saw while watching one of my favorite sewing channels on YouTube. She makes fabulous dresses from self-drafted, big four paper patterns, and buys indie PDF sewing patterns that all turn out so lovely, I want to try them all.

So on a whim, I went first to Mood Fabrics’ Sewciety page to see what they had to offer in their free selection and eventually found myself on Etsy, looking at the exact dress pattern she made on a video I was watching. Spontaneously, I clicked purchase on a dress pattern and clicked instant download. A dress, I thought, that would be perfect! I can style it up and down, in heat and in snow, it will be my go-to piece! To quote Lee Corso, not so fast!

It was mighty easy, but also mighty paper-hungry. This was something I was not expecting. You see, as far as PDF patterns go, I knew they required printing, but I always thought it was like 10 pages max. It seemed like something that would be straightforward. You know what I mean? To my surprise, it was 29 pages of just the pattern plus 5 more pages for the instruction and sizing. Um, holy lots of ink!

Yeah, I was not expecting that from my first one. So I looked more closely at the Mood patterns I was browsing to see if those would be any better and I saw another flaw in my plan, the patterns specifically from Mood use a ridiculous amount of yardage. Like a mini dress was calling for 5 yards of 57″ across the fabric. I can make a mini dress in 3 yards or less. Is this just a ploy to sell fabric? Mood Fabrics’ average price is USD 14-18 per yard, multiplied by 5 and it is beginning to be a very expensive project if you follow the fabric suggestions. I have a lot of questions now.

But anyway, I went back to the Etsy PDF pattern and decided to throw caution to the wind and begin printing. And print we did! The gentle hum of the printer slider traveling to and through filled the room, with the chorus of the squeaky paper roller delivering page upon page of freshly printed pattern sections to be cut out and taped, onto the desk. As I sat, staring at the screen, I began to get fidgety. I began to look around the room and stare at my computer screen, eventually perusing the listing again, and I noticed one small potential problem in this plan. As the pattern maker was an American, I thought for sure the sizing would be in US sizes, but alas the numbers on the chart were slightly askew from the standard. And I realized two things I would have to face, comparing the yardage to the pattern and taking my measurements to determine my size.

It was a slip dress, so the 3.5 yards I had available on the opaque fabric seemed like an obvious choice. There certainly would be enough, surely there would be enough, but oh no, there wasn’t. The pattern wanted more. I also grabbed the measuring tape and prepared for battle because no matter how badly I didn’t want to care what those numbers said. Those numbers always intimidate me. So with butterflies in my stomach, I grabbed the tape measure and learned that it wasn’t going to be my weight that would keep me from being able to make this but my literal body proportions. My frame. My long torso. My straight up-and-down waist.

I didn’t fit into any size proportions, none. Going up or going down a size was all off. As the freshly-inked paper kept rolling off the presses I felt stress, uncertainty, and frustration at myself for being such a novice thinking this would be easy!

But why isn’t it simple? When I buy paper patterns from the big four it is simple! When I’ve looked at vintage patterns, yes there is a little bit of knowledge needed to understand the sizing – your measurements – but other than that simple! Was I really going to have to pattern hack or pattern grade specific pieces on this paid-for, already drafted pattern? Was it basically going to be as complicated as making my own from scratch?

In that moment, I was incredibly humbled. Here I was learning to sew, designing my own clothes, I want to turn it into a business with the most logical option seeming to be PDF sewing patterns, but my word, this is a tough product to produce! This is incredibly more difficult than I imagined and I don’t think this is how I want to contribute to fashion space. Because not only do you have to make the pattern, the instructions, and go through testing, but I think on a PDF format, if you don’t have a vast size range or even a curvy or athletic build variation, I don’t think the pattern is being done properly.

I could not make the slip dress pattern work because it was cut for an hourglass shape and I have a straight up and down waist, no matter how skinny I get, it’s never going to fit me properly without alterations to the lines of the dress. That discouraged me. I stopped the printing and chose to call it a mulligan. The same issues with standard sizing hit me like a wall in a place I never expected.

What the answer is, I don’t know. But I do know I think the PDF pattern market may be the same ship different day repackaged in a way that creates more work and potentially less waste? On that, I’m not convinced because it is so much ink and paper. I don’t know. It still felt like a lot of consumption was happening. It’s a shame. I feel like I accomplished nothing in the long run. I believe I’ve found a problem I’d like to address if/when I ever figure out how to make my own patterns. Thankfully there are a lot of creative people in this world who may be developing the solution already. I hope so.

What about you? Have you purchased an indie PDF sewing pattern? Were you pleased? Did you feel like it was easier than buying paper patterns or self-drafting? Thanks again for spending time with me today, dear reader. I hope you have a lovely day. ❤

June 6, 2024

What Does a Shadow do When the Shape is Gone?

Day breaks upon your expectant face, and the birds sing for you.

A cup of coffee and a table set.

Sunrises, newspapers, the melody of your voice.

I’m lost without your light.

Shadow, little, shy.

They tell me to keep going. Chin up, grow up but I still feel small.

Morning is not as bright. The bird’s song is hollow.

What is coffee if you’re not making it?

Little, shy. Goodbye.

—

And just like that, 4 years pass by?

June 5, 2024

A Strawberry Dress for 2024

In 2020, the Strawberry Dress by Lirika Matoshi blew up in popularity becoming one of the most iconic garments from the year. It still remains in my head when I think of a strawberry dress, a garment I wish to buy because it is so joyful. But at USD 490 it’s a bit out of the question for my budget at this time. Although I wish, it isn’t going to happen. But it has become an aspirational garment for me as a designer. I hope to make something with the same amount of joy, attention to detail, and iconic statement!

So when I was digging in my fabric stash this winter and found this interesting Swiss dot gingham, light pink trim, and flower buttons I knew one thing I had to make – my own take on a “strawberry” and “Sakura blossom” inspired dress.

June 5, 2024

Strawberry Blossoms

A perk of being on this small holiday of sorts from my life, and staying at my mom’s house means endless inspiration from her garden. Around Mother’s Day we went to a local greenhouse and found this hanging strawberry plant which beautifully displays its growing phases in lovely hanging tendrils.

I’ve been fascinated by the way strawberries grow, from blossom to fuzz ball, to fruit. I chose this little vignette as my first sketch because I liked how it displayed the life phases from new bud, to blossom, to fruiting, to baby berry, to unripe strawberry.

June 3, 2024

#55 – Where I’ve Been

On April 27, 2024, I was thrown a massive curve ball that set life in a bit of a tail spin that to be honest I’m not sure if I have still recovered from mentally. It was a lot!

In March I contacted my landlord to renew our lease for the next year, I like to do it two months ahead of the renewal date to make things go smoothly. In writing, she said yes, great. I thought, wonderful! Everything is settled for another year. At this point it was our third year living in the house and we were quite settled in, our landlord seemed pretty chill, and the house felt like home. I had set up a studio finally in one of the spare bedrooms, Kyle had a woodshop in the garage, everything was organized just right and the place gave me such a sense of normalcy where other rentals had not.

Shuffling the Deck

In April, my landlord had acted a little weird. She never followed up to sign a lease, which she is incredibly type A so I thought maybe she was busy? Then she asked if we wanted to buy the house, without any context if this was a serious request or a passing fancy. It was not the first time she asked, she did that in our first year and followed with she had no plans to sell. Odd, right? Well, on April 27 at 8pm she announced to me that she was not renewing our lease and we had three days to decide if we were buying the house from her at $210k USD or she was putting in on the market immediately, even though we had one more month on our lease.

We were flabbergasted to be honest. What? What! How did we get here? And who is this new pushy person trying to rip the rug out from under me? We took the three days to pray and consider if this was even possible, could we really afford that much? And why was the price so high for this small house, on a small yard that honestly needed some TLC after years of being used as a rental not a cared for home.

I think as humans we crave security, steadiness. The day before I felt incredibly steady. We had a place to live that was safe, with running water, heat, electricity, privacy. It wasn’t ours but as a steady tennant that paid rent and took care of it, I really didn’t see why they would want to lose that? I was clearly playing checkers when she was playing chess.

We decided to move forward with buying it in hopes that if we walked forward in faith that God would provide. Either the door would continue to close or it would slam shut. But another door would open. It may not be what I wanted but it would be according to His plan and He would provide an alternative. I clung to that as my stomach filled with butterflies that never really left. All month long.

Fact Check

That Monday I began the intimidating and confusing process of applying for a mortgage, and after what happened with taxes this year that became a little tricky. Those new tax penatlies for not filing quarterly had took a bite out of the downpayment we had been saving for and it was looking grim. I think those pre-approval forms are grim and confusing even if you are planning to do this, it’s just endless numbers, questions, terms, word vomit of legalese and bank jargon. With my head spinning as Rocket Mortgage said nada, my friend suggested I check out my bank and this is where things began turning around!

Irony of irony, I was matched with mortgage officer who grew up in the town the rental was in and he was friendly, knowledgeable and began to kick the tires on these unexpected shenanigans from the landlord. I learned it was going to be tight but possible if we wanted to buy it but that $210k was a ridiculous amount for what the house was and I was recommended by the bank to proceed with caution because on their end the math was not mathing on that price.

Things got a bit more interesting when the landlord began laying out the terms of how this was going to go. It began with stating that we were not using a realtor but a settlement company she knew with a number that didn’t work when I tried to call them. Next there was the timeline. She wanted me to write up a sellers agreement, until I began requesting an inspection and contingencies in case the value wasn’t as high as she insisted it was. She was giving us a deal you know, at $210k USD. It was a steal! She could get way more if she wasn’t doing this favor out of the kindness of her heart!

There was also the interesting niggle of the hand money, a concept I learned about this process which is where the buyer gives 1% of the list price to be held by the real estate company until closing. After the sale is final, the seller receives the money but not before. The landlord insisted that I give her a check for $5k USD to hold the house made out to her. Um, sketchy. Very sketchy. I told her several times that I couldn’t make contact with the settlement company and she wouldn’t give me the accurate contact info. Oh so sketchy.

But that’s not the end of the suspcious behavior. When I inquired what would happen if closing took longer than the lease, she promised she would never kick me and my husband out, we would just pay rent until the closing, pro-rated of course. This is where things changed though. I raised concerns over not being able to make contact with the settlement company, along with things about the house I knew were broken that the landlord had dodged fixing over the years. With her permission I had an inspection done, which she was quite disgruntled about when he found $40k plus of things that needed to be fixed that were now on the record. She began to get aggressive with me. I raised the need for things to be put in writing because under Pennsylvania law landlords are required to give a tenant 60 days written notice to figure everything out before a landlord can sell or remove a tenant. This enraged her, and she told me I was lying and her lease was above the law.

An hour later she showed up at the house and threw documents at our door which were quite interesting. There were some things that are not up to code in the house that she had acknowledged in the past and yet she seemed to get a very sudden case of amnesia. She gave us a “sellers agreement” that was just a disclosure saying that there was nothing wrong with the house, specifically lying about things she knew were broken. She signed and dated it. Next was a piece of paper saying that we were buying the house and were paying them rent for June until we closed on the 30th. This was also signed and dated.

We were told in an attached note to sign, date, and write a check that either she could hand deliver to the settlement or we could drop them off to the company (that I couldn’t make contact with) telling me of course she would get me the number. By this point, it was beginning to feel like harassment. From April 27 to this point it had been fortnight of her calling me and texting me almost daily with nagging about getting this settled as quick as possible or else. It was incredibly unprofessional and rude. I felt like a child instead of being respected as an adult with responsibilities and work I had to do. This lady’s only job is landlording and she had all day to contact me which was really frustrating because everything in my life was beginning to revolve around her wants and demands so that she could move to Florida, asap with a big chunk of my change in her pocket.

Door Shutting

Thankfully, I began to learn more about this situation from friends who are professionals in the real estate business and people in the community. I learned this house she bought with cash in 2010 for $105k that she flipped into a rental. Her number was $210k because she wanted to double her money plus a little extra from her $5k finder’s fee. There was no mortgage so all rent was icing on the cake. In the three years we rented from her, where she raised the rent, plus the hefty security deposit, she made $36,400 off us alone. This is where I could clearly see what made her tick. Greed. Because we could have easily done a rent to own, or figured this out in January, but the element of surprise was going to make her more money like a shakedown.

At this point it was pretty clear that any negotiation or talk was useless. This was a fools errand that I wanted no part of. Thankfully there was a new door opening a very exciting new door. But one part of it still remained, how would we transition from this place to our new home without drama? This ate me up for weeks. I am quite scared of confrontation and pushy people. My dad is a narcissist and uses the same tactics. Each conversation with her felt like it ripping up old wounds causing me emotional distress. My appetite was gone and restful sleep drifting beyond my reach.

But as all foolish people do, give them enough time and they will self destruct. That she did. On May 22, we received some very expensive mail. Mail from a lawyer on her behalf pressuring us to buy the house immediately, to pay her rent for June, and to send her the hand money. If not we had to get out on May 31. Even though the lease said we could continue paying her rent until we figured something out. She sent us four copies of that letter with postage at $8 USD a pop, I’d assume his hourly fee is quite steep as well. It was petty and it made us feel incredibly defeated. How were we going to do this when our new home would be settled in June? Do I need a lawyer? I knew she had no real power here because of PA tenant laws but this was beyond what I was comfortable with.

Sometimes the cost of standing your ground is too much for the mental toll it will take. I had stood my ground with my dad, and other narcists but this time there was too much at stake for someone who is who she is. Nothing was going to change her mind, it would only get worse. It makes me sad when peacemaking is not possible. I really think we could have had a different outcome here and brought this chapter to a close with mutual respect in place. I truly thought she was a nice person for most of our time renting. It was shocking to see how it all changed overnight.

Was she seriously going to make us move everything into a storage unit for a few days instead of working with us? The answer was yes. So we moved it all with the help of family and the provision of God we got it all done before May 31. I’m not even sure how we got it all done!

Now as I write this I am still waiting for my new house to close, but I sit here in the safety of family who generously gave us a place to crash until we can move in. I don’t know where I would be without people who love me and I hope that I will have the chance to pay it forward in the future.

Love Makes the World Go Round

What can I take away from this wild month? Well I’d say it has proved to me things I already knew were true. Money is the root of all evil. Foolish behavior and greed are good friends. Impatience and haste get us no where. Wisdom and love are worth more than money. Community is what makes life rich. God never drops us, His faithfulness prevails over the plans of man. Family and friendship are priceless. The United States house crisis is real and without God’s provision this story would have a different ending, which has made my commitment to donating to Light of Life even stronger in my mind because no one should fall through the cracks in the system because of someone else’s greed.

I’m sorry this was a bit of a long winded one, it was a long, chaotic story that I have been wanting to talk about since it started but didn’t feel comfortable until l was out of there. I hope wherever you are you know that you are loved, worthy, and have more value than all the gold in the world. ❤

June 3, 2024

Sketching Process: Wild Blue Phlox

May 28, 2024

Aespa’s Supernova MV is an Explosion of Imagination

I wanted to be quick and write this post before their full album release on Monday because the Supernova release has been one of the most fun comebacks they have had I think since Next Level in 2021, which was how I found Aespa initially. This song has dethroned “Supernova Girl” from Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century as my favorite futuristic, y2k, outer-space-themed song. That is no small compliment, I’ve loved that song and the styling of the movie since 1999. That being said, Aespa blew me away with their ‘that tick, tick, bomb’ bridge and funky mix of Portal 2 sounds, reminiscent of the lasers and aerial faith plates, layered over the signature production of Dem Jointz. I wasn’t expecting that signature “Incoming!” line that I find on most NCT albums. This was the fun noise music style I was missing from the current comebacks of Stray Kids, NCT’s solo work, and the releases of girl groups so far in 2024.

Four Distinct Looks

I love a music video with a good costume change, and this one gave me four! The stylist for Aespa hit it out of the park with these experimental yet familiar pieces giving the eye a tasting menu of throwback futuristic pieces yet styled in a way that felt now and new at the same time.

In one short story, we move from streetwear with mesh and bright colors, to light pastel pleather for that space-age feel, to vibrant, shocking, and furry accessories that look like the star exploding, to a y2k jeans look in gray tones as the supernova is complete. The girls are blown into the wind.

My favorite look of them all happens to be Winter’s pink tutu look with platform shoes. She resembles a magical faerie or modern-day superhero without the cringy Hollywood painted-on catsuit. Other details I appreciate are the vampire fangs, pointy nails, intricate braids, colorful eyeliner, bubble hems, dual eye colors, chunky jewelry that looks DIY in a good way, and Gisele’s bedazzled cast.

Imagery of Supernova

Each member seems to have special powers in this music video. Winter can fly, Ningning can fire bend, Gisele can change time, and Karina has superhuman strength. They have the power of the “Supernova” and are a unified force to be reckoned with. I love that Karina falls to earth like an asteroid to open the scene. There is imagery of heat and destruction, darkness and light, brokenness like the dying star, and birthdays like a star reborn through the explosion. They are like a storm but are also a source of power.

Aespa Lore – Returning to Concept

This comeback feels like Aespa’s lore and concept coming full circle where other bands have drifted off into randomness, Aespa is keeping the story of Kwangya, Black Mamba, Naevis, and the real world all in its premise. Some were disappointed with the shift to being in the real world with Spicy (2023) and Drama (2023) as falling prey to the 2000s nostalgia bug sweeping the 2020s.

But I see their comebacks as chapters in one story like Ateez does so well. For Savage and Girls they were in Kwangya, Kosmo, and the Flat. They have fought Black Mamba then coming into the real world with Naevis in My World, continuing the fight in Drama. For now, it seems like Supernova and Armageddon are returning the girls to the other dimension but reborn with powers instead of being consumed by the destruction. I am very excited for May 27th to behold what is in store for their first full album!

May 23, 2024

Great White Trillium with Mossy Rock

Oil Pastel on paper. Sketched in pencil. Wildflower, rock, and weeds as I remember them on a late April day or early May day. To be honest, this month has been so chaotic I can’t remember when I went to the creek to sketch.

This drawing was sketched with a live subject, on the trail beside the creek in real life with the real soundtrack of water, birds, and insects buzzing. It was the first time in many years that I had sketched in nature like that and it was wonderful.

Drawing in nature, not only cleared my mind but helped me immerse my mind in what I was doing. This process slowed everything down for me and reminded me to go back to basics in my artistic approach. To take the extra time to draw careful pencil lines to indicate details I wanted to preserve, like the levels of the rock. To have that impression committed to pencil and paper instead of relying on an image from a phone or drawing something from my imagination.

From muddy base to jagged peaks where the moss grows to the lines of the leaves on the Great Trillium plant. It helped me remember where the light was washing across the form and what was hidden by shadow. If you would like to see more of the wildflowers from that trail check out April Wildflowers.

What is your favorite thing to sketch outside? Do you like to draw small details or sweeping impressions of landscapes? Are you more of a still-life or landscape person? I’m a sucker for flowers. I love their infinite imagination and stunning wardrobe.

May 14, 2024