I’ve been challenging myself to be a more frugal sewist this year, using up my stash of fabric and resisting buying fabric that catches my eye. It has been harder than I thought. Mood Fabrics is pretty relentless with its advertisements, Hobby Lobby’s every two-week fabric sale calls, and Joann Fabrics sends me flyers and coupons on the regular, but I had this feeling I needed to be more budget-conscious this year and it is starting to make sense why (more on that later).
To do this, I rolled up my sleeves and dug into my storage closet, to my Gram’s quilting fabric stash and got creative. These two fabrics spoke to me, but the yardage of the ditzy floral was small maybe a half yard? This is the most frustrating thing about using deadstock fabrics, vintage or remnants, you get the yardage left and that’s that. I wanted to play around with bias tape finishing with a contrast fabric, which I thought the black floral would compliment the ditzy floral. Originally my plan was to make a camisole top, but the more I thought about I questioned if I would wear it and with what? Instead, I pivoted and used the rest of the black floral to lengthen the top into a dress. To keep it cohesive I color-blocked the fabrics – black floral straps, ditzy floral bodice, black floral skirt, and lower ditzy floral skirt.
This was a new style for me, I usually stick to one fabric but this was fun and from this experience, I feel more inspired to design garments from a scrapy style. It opens up a whole crayon box of possibilities for remnants, smaller yardage purchases, pattern mixing, and contrast piping! This is going to be a fun new world!
I decided to draft my own pattern for this dress by draping the bodice on the form. I created the straps by joining the pieces of bias tape at the top of the triangle bust piece for a seamless transition and to add strength. I added a side zipper to tailor the garment closer to the body but account for the zero amount of stretch in this fabric. It reminds me of a slip dress but I feel more comfortable in it because it is a cotton fabric. There is more structure and opacity. The dress has a more casual vibe where I can style it with a t-shirt underneath if I desire to.
I think subconsciously, I was inspired by Lorelai Gilmore’s dress styling in these episodes. I love her style and I have found that the styles she wears on the show suit my body type and personality more than Rory’s dresses. It’s a dress style I hope to experiment with more by using different fabrics and textures.
Since starting this language journey over a year, my learning style has changed a lot and I feel like I’m falling into a rhythm that is helping me retain what I’m learning instead of feeling overwhelmed. Let’s get into it!
When I started learning in 2023 I decided to go “by the book” I thought and bought the books, used college textbooks to be exact, and dictionaries, thinking it would help me tackle this with ease. What I learned as the process went on is that I don’t have a lot of experience learning languages like I thought. I got distracted by the process I set out for myself – working through the textbook, and in turn, procrastinated like a champ.
What helped me get my motivation back was diving into the language itself and leaving the grammar rules of the textbook behind, like diving into hiragana, katakana, kanji, and some vocabulary. I made hiragana flashcards and katakana flashcards. I began learning kanji from an account called the Joy of Kanji on Instagram, as well as started learning vocabulary from Hamasuke’s Japanese Learning channel on YouTube. This was a great way to start learning words and putting the sounds and the alphabet of syllables together in my mind. I would watch Hamasuke’s channel when I rode the exercise bike to try to keep me motivated and it was fun.
Getting Advice From A Native Japanese Speaker
Online I follow several Japanese language teachers as well as many Japanese creators, one of these creators shared advice on an ‘Ask Me a Question’ story post after a follower asked for Japanese learning tips. He said to memorize hiragana and katakana, learn vocabulary and kanji, and immerse yourself in listening to people speak Japanese and worry about grammar and sentence structure later on. Starting in 2024, that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s been back to basics and it’s working.
Kinda obvious actually, I mean that’s how we learn our first language, but I think when we are learning as adults or learning a second language, we overcomplicate. I was doing that! I’m so glad that this person shared this advice because it’s taken the pressure off and given me a clear path to follow. It’s been game-changing!
My new learning plan has been to copy down hiragana, katakana, and the kanji I started learning on an app so it’s in front of me and in my notebook. I take my flashcards of hiragana and katakana and I write them down. I go through each stack. Sometimes I go through the stack again, and again depending on how focused I am that day. As long as I keep to schedule and do this several times a week, I see progress. When I skip, I notice I don’t make progress and that is motivating to be consistent. This has been better practice for my own retention of the language than reviewing the flashcards on their own.
Recently, I’ve been marking which ones I can guess and which ones I have guessed wrong to begin tracking my own memorization. That has helped me track my progress and I would recommend after you’ve given yourself enough to practice and learn. Where I’ve seen the most growth is in the next thing I’ve added to my learning – immersion in listening to native speakers.
Forget Anime, I’m a Kei Camper and Bunny Girl
It’s been interesting to find that there are a lot of rabbit channels based in Japan on YouTube. Technically I should clarify – they are usagi channels, the word for rabbit in Japanese. I follow several channels – Pocket Usagi, Kogarana’s Bunny Popo Channel, and Hana-chan no Usagi Channel. I’ve been watching Pokke and Milk of Pocket Usagi and Bunny Popo since 2022 and Hana-chan I found this year. They all include subtitles, which I’ve had some trouble following even when I was learning in 2023, the only word I could pick out quickly from the subtitles was Popo-chan. Since following the new learning strategy, I’ve been able to quickly recognize syllables and pick them in the subtitles as well as words like Hana-chan, Usagi, and some kanji that stand out to me like the one for rest.
Where I have felt the most growth has been since watching Coupy Camper Channel over the last few weeks because he has closed captions, and Japanese subtitles to the side, and he also speaks on camera, which the other channels do not. His channel lets me experience the cadence of speech which is different from my English comfort zone and Korean which I hear watching K-dramas. It’s been such an interesting way to either just listen and see what the words mean in my native language or listen and follow the subtitles to see what the Japanese syllables I’m learning sound like and how it all get put together in conversations. It has also shown me how Japanese is written and how to navigate the lines of characters in their vertical structure. Through recognizing the sounds and characters I learned that it is read vertically right to left. It’s helping me understand pronunciation, which is huge!
Coupy Channel is giving me a taste of Japanese culture too from seeing the country from the perspective of a resident, exploring the countryside through his trips, learning about the cuisine from how he cooks, and seeing how it is not that different from life here. I feel common ground and that is helping put the pieces together. I am incredibly grateful for his content because I am not a big anime fan. I’ve tried watching anime and while I love the style, I’ve struggled to find the right ones to pull me in. I will eventually try again. Until then Coupy Channel will be my guide.
LALALALA and ACNH
The R sound in Japanese has been confusing me from the start but unexpectedly, a song has helped me remember the pronunciation to keep me focused on learning the sound when I am practicing. That sound is ‘LALALALA’ from Stray Kids’ ‘樂-STAR’ album. The song is a wordplay of rock in English and ‘rak’ in Korean, the Chinese character means delight and pleasure but rock is the first part of ‘rock n roll’. It’s quite clever. I’ve used this to help me remember to not read the Japanese syllable as ‘ra’ but remember to pronounce it with the softer ‘la’ r-sound.
Animal Crossing New Horizons’ I’ve learned from watching Coupy Channel and the Rabbit channels, features a lot of little details from Japanese culture which is such a cool way to immerse even if it is being played in English. For example, the Firefly squid came to the game in April and I later watched Coupy Channel prepare while camping. In this, I learned the Japanese name for it hotaru-ika. I’ve learned about festivals in Japanese culture and traditions, it’s been a fun primer.
In conclusion, I’m optimistic that I will make some real progress in 2024. Hopefully, the next update will be an exciting one!
In Portal 2, Cave Johnson has an iconic rant about lemons that may have been the inspiration for my Saturday plan – to make dairy-free lemon curd from scratch.
To clarify, no lemons were exploded. But they were zested, juiced, and combined into a luscious lemon sauce and baked into lemon bars. Tart, sweet, buttery, lemon bars.
“All right, I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man whose gonna burn your house down – with the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”
-Cave Johnson, Aperture Laboratories
But why did Cave Johnson speak so deeply to my mood on Saturday morning, one of the best times of the week? Well my dysfunctional family, of course. Communication is truly an art form, and for some relationships, healthy communication seems as easy as replicating a Michelangelo masterpiece with a butter knife. I am a member of that club. I feel like sometimes a conversation with my mom is doomed from the start. I call her and there is something in the air. A mistaken tone she finds in me, a lack of matching her extroverted, neurotypical energy.
The inability to recognize drama or harshness in her tone. My anxiety and frustration at being accosted by questions, picking remarks, or in general still not living up to whatever I was supposed to. It’s a mess, a mess that continues to respawn after numerous attempts to get rid of this and live a drama-free life with the mom that I do deeply love even if sometimes I get exasperated at her. This was one of those conversations, I did something and the verbal missiles were locking on me, which was really disappointing because it was supposed to be a simple conversation – what time are you coming up to celebrate my husband’s birthday?
Instead, there was chaos, my confusion at why there was chaos with questions followed by accusations of trying to fight and being told I was being a problem, gaslit into the aggressor when I held my temper in check and just asked questions. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I was being baited into a fight and it sucked. It was a conversational sucker punch. Some weeks I don’t even want to pick up the phone, I yearn to move far away from the possibility of hanging out with her, because I just want to be loved not picked at. Being lonely but happy feels better than being close and miserable. I feel like she brings all the drama-ma-ma-ma-ma and then runs away from me after her work is done.
In the screaming silence that followed the nasty encounter, I felt confusion, anger, hurt, sadness, failure, shame, disappointment, a building pressure of anxiety and depression, and the complex childhood trauma memories flooding back of her gaslighting me into thinking I was a kid with an un-teachable spirit, a stubborn child who spirit needed to be broken because seeing things differently from her was a sin.
I feel sorry for my mom because none of those things are true, and keeping me at arm’s length hurts both of us. We only have so much time on this earth, wouldn’t it be better to be laughing instead of arguing, smiling instead of crying?
I’ve learned there is nothing wrong with me. I’m neuro-divergent and God made me this way for a reason. There is beauty in being different, but she can’t see that. She sees me as difficult, and I in turn see her as small-minded.
Recently, I’ve turned to baking when I feel down in the dumps. For a while, baking was quite painful for me, after Grandma passed away in 2020. She was the one who taught me how to bake and that void made baking a chore. Since watching the Great British Bake Off, I’ve found my baking delight once again. We had a bunch of lemons on hand for a separate recipe, and since the rest needed to be used, I decided to make something I’d never made from scratch before. Lemon curd.
They make it on Bake-Off and I used to love eating lemon bars and lemon meringue pie as a kid, it was Papa’s favorite pie. We had it each year on his birthday. It was the bomb. The tart, lemony sharpness of the filling with the pillowy sweet clouds of meringue on top, slightly browned like a marshmallow with a flakey crust. Scrumptious.
Fun fact: My grandma dressed, acted, and looked a lot like Mary Berry. Watching Bake Off is like a hug.
And you know what, baking helped. I felt the tension melt from my shoulders as I zested the lemons and squeezed the juice into the bowl. The delicacy of separating yolks from egg whites required me to slow down, to breathe through the emotional stress. I made a cup of herbal tea and began work on the sugar and butter. After combining it came time to use the bain-marie to slowly temper the eggs and cook until thickened. The result was a dreamy curd that I was hoping for!
Out of pain, something beautiful came, and the next day I made shortbread for the lemon bars and layered the golden yellow lemon sauce into the pan for a delight I hadn’t had since childhood. Next time we’ll make that lemon meringue pie.
I’m glad I’ve learned coping mechanisms like baking, cleaning, stimming, etc so that I am not tempted to rage at my mom, clench my jaw, get drunk, or go on a shopping spree to fill the pain with stuff. It’s been a journey but through my tumultuous twenties, I learned that the dysfunction is never going away but who I am and how I respond to it are not beholden to other people and their poor behavior. And that is true freedom.
Have you ever made lemon curd? Do you like lemon meringue pie or lemon bars? What’s your go-to way to calm down after a stressful encounter? Thank you, dear reader, for coming along on this blogging journey with me. I’m incredibly thankful for you.
Two summers ago, in 2022, I tried my hand at making dresses and separates with some mixed results. Some pieces I loved but had fit issues, some were poorly constructed and just fell apart, and some were made with the wrong materials for the project and were doomed to fail from the start. But as a new sewist who is self-taught, it was the only way I was going to learn, by experimenting and making and then doing it all over again.
In 2024, I’ve seen a huge jump in my skill level. I’m beginning to feel comfortable with the craft and I’m wiser about my fabric choices, which makes me think about these former projects. Could I make a better version of them? Have I leveled up my skills enough to do these projects justice and have them in my closet for years to come?
The Blanket Dress
Original Materials: Cotton Flannel, Satin Blanket Edging
Issues: Sleeves fall down and fabric stretches with wear. Not enough structure and bad pattern matching.
2024 Plan: Choose a cotton shirting with more body and keep the plaid pattern or if I stuck with the light cotton flannel, I would add a lining to give structure. Pattern match when cutting out pieces because I can tell I didn’t try at all! Add tie to the back shoulders to keep the sleeves on my shoulders. Add a button placket or zipper to fit the dress to my body better. I would make the bodice even, because I can see how each side of it is a different length.
Will I make this again? Most likely! It is one of my favorite pieces from my early designs.
Amalfi Coast Girl Slip Dress
Original Materials: A very lightweight polyester silk that I found on clearance at Joann Fabrics.
Issues: Very thin, made me paranoid. Being a slip dress I felt uncomfortable, like I forgot to get dressed.
2024 Plan: Lining! I would line this 100% now because that was just silly. I would pick a better fabric though, this one was hot and difficult to sew. I would also fix the bunching in the skirt and fit the bodice better because it looks messy.
Would I make this again? Yes! Potentially this summer if I find the right fabric.
“Linen” Two Piece Set
Original Materials: Vintage Quilting Cotton from my Gram’s stash. Snaps and buttons (because button holes scared me).
Issues: Not real buttons, this was a hassle. The shirt was a bit short and too boxy. The shorts were an absolute mess because I didn’t have a french curve or a proper pattern to make shorts from. The seat was too narrow and the the rise too short, the waist band I didn’t fold over so it provided no structure. A side zip and snaps were an okay closure but they never felt truly secure.
2024: I would buy the cotton gauze fabric or buy linen for the look I wanted. The quilting cotton made this feel like pajamas and it made a little unsure about wearing it out. I would make a proper fitting pair of shorts this time and a real button holes. Other than that, I’m quite pleased with my original idea.
Would I make this again? Yes, it was chic and comfy, if only it had been constructed better I may still have it.
Cropped Cardigan and Ruffle Skirt
Original Materials: Two upcycled pillow cases and a hand-me-down dress I cropped into a cardigan.
Issues: The pillowcase was stained and see through. The cardigan was made from a fast fashion piece that was terrible quality that made it feel weird on the skin. I like the appearance of this look more than I did wearing it.
2024 Plan: Opaque quilting cotton or shirting to feel comfortable. Knit the cardigan in a cotton yarn or a linen yarn to make it versatile for Spring, Summer, and Fall.
Would I make this again? Yes, it’s already on my to do list. I would wear this for so many things.
Silk-ish Halter and Wrap Skirt
Original Materials: A satin polyester from Joann Fabrics. Snaps and a tie made from the fabric.
Issues: My halter top gaped, it was poorly draped and did not feel secure at the back snaps or neck snaps. The skirt did not have enough volume. I didn’t feel like myself in it.
2024 Plan: I would properly drape the bodice and add bust cups potentially to the top. I would also not make it a two piece look because I wouldn’t wear the pieces separately. The fabric was nice and I would use something like it again, although I would love for it to not be polyester.
Would I make it again? No, it doesn’t fit into my wardrobe. I would use a similar fabric again for a dress, but not a halter dress.
In the United States, April 15th is our tax deadline. This is a date for me that has a lot of uncertainty. For most of my adult working life I have been a contractor which means your taxes are not taken out by your employer but instead you are responsible for setting aside the money in your savings that is paid out in a lump sum at the tax deadline. Now even though my job has changed, my husband and I are still navigating this setup and it has given us some uncertainty about how things are going to work moving forward in life, like how one saves for a down payment for a house when we aren’t sure how much we will be paying in taxes at the end of year, because our tax rates and tax laws seem to be shifting. It did this year for sure!
We were unaware that the laws had changed for all contractors, not just content creators, etc that you have to pay quarterly. I’m not sure how we were supposed to know to be honest because no information was shared although they advertise the tax deadline and tax services heavily from December to the deadline the next year. It’s been a stinging mistake because we learned there was a hefty penalty and a brand new tax rate that we were placed into, that we will not soon forget.
I think as humans, those big structures looming over us, like the government, cause a lot of anxiety in us because we want to believe that the social contract of Rousseau is what we are getting, but sometimes in those confusing moments like new laws and penalties without proper communication about it, it feels worrying. It took a lot of maturity and prayer this weekend to just accept that my frustration at myself and the lack of transparency was out of my control and that was okay. Like letting sand fall from my hands. As we paid our taxes for 2023 and then also unexpectedly had to pay for 2024’s first quarter, I had to accept that the money that felt like security was no longer mine, it was Caesar’s, and that’s the only answer.
And they sent to him some of the Pharisees and some of the Herodians, to trap him in his talk. And they came and said to him, “Teacher, we know that you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. For you are not swayed by appearances, but truly teach the way of God. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not? Should we pay them, or should we not?” But, knowing their hypocrisy, he said to them, “Why put me to the test? Bring me a denarius and let me look at it.” And they brought one. And he said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?” They said to him, “Caesar’s.” Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” And they marveled at him.
Mark 12:13-17 ESV
The timing sucked and the surprise of paying both 2023 and the first quarter of 2024 in this economy felt like a bit of a free fall. I mean in life, I don’t love surprises. The good ones for sure are fun but those bad surprises can hang over us like a cloud and that’s what I didn’t want to have hanging over me. My husband’s birthday is coming up, and there are charities we support that I don’t want to let down. I’d like to continue dreaming about future plans, have extra money to be generous if someone needs help, or just not be worried about finances. To have that feeling of serenity in the changing sea of life.
Two promises repeated in my mind as we made our payments that helped me regain my peace, which honestly made no sense aside from God and his peace that surpasses all understanding.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28 NLT
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
Matthew 6:26-30 NIV
I started thinking about the jokes people made on the day of the eclipse about going back to 2017, and where I was in 2017 with less than 100 USD to my name and no stable living situation, looking for a job as a new college grad and newlywed. It felt like my life was spiraling but then a year later I was stable with a job and a new life in Savannah. I think back to April 2020, newly laid off and with my husband’s employer looking at a complete NHL shutdown, none of it made sense, we just got back to normal and a savings, were we going back to square one three years later? And now in April 2024, I felt those same fears bubbling up.
Were we going back to that scary place? Was the rug pulled out from under me? How was God going to work this all for good? It’s funny to me now that this is the perspective I chose to focus on instead of thinking about how quickly God turns things around. In 2017, I went from rock bottom to a stable job and was ready for a big move in less than a year. In 2020, less than a year later, we were in a better situation than we left. If a big change happens, I need to remember to leave room for God to work instead of shutting down in fear and worry.
I find it to be no coincidence that I read a commentary days before that discussed the promise God makes in Romans 8:28. He works everything together for good, but He doesn’t promise it will make sense at the time, that’s where faith and leaning on His promises come in. We either choose to trust or we don’t, just like how we face trust issues with human relationships, we either trust people or we don’t. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s honest.
As the dust settled and we processed the tax situation, I realized that although the way things happened didn’t make sense as it was happening, it was going to transform our future for the good. I will never again have to dread that lump sum at the end of the year. With quarterly taxes, it’s manageable chunks, which will help us figure out a down payment for a house and what I experienced this time will never happen again. This was it and now I’m free. I also remembered that after these big financial “losses” happen God does something amazing with the smaller amount in ways that only He can. It’s happened over and over in these years since 2017.
Giving to Caesar what is Caesar’s and God what is God’s is also an important part of this process. Giving back what God has given us to serve His kingdom according to what Jesus says in Matthew 25 and remembering His promise in Matthew 6 is how we plan for the future, on His promises. Being greedy and being unwilling to share my blessings with others is a one-way street to unhappiness. So how will this all play out? I don’t know yet but I do know it helped me find peace in this moment of uncertainty and being released from the dread of tax season is the answer to my prayers even though the process wasn’t how I would have chosen it to be, it will be okay.
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Matthew 25:35-40 NIV
I hope that by sharing this story, of my worries and my journey to peace that I will encourage you, reader in whatever you are facing right now. Life is such a rollercoaster and it is tricky in the tough days to remember it will get better. There will be brighter days. Financial stress is a tough adversary and I am still working through how to keep calm when it feels overwhelming.
Just remember you got this! 💪 Or in K-Pop speak, fighting!
This week has been a whirlwind, and it’s only Wednesday. It’s funny how some days can feel like an eternity to come and some feel long in a way that you don’t want the moment to end. Some events feel like an impending, hurtling, thing that you are on a collision course with and some feel like a sweet treasure, a thing you wished for and hope that it comes true. Duality is such a wild and wonderful thing to experience. It makes me appreciate the differences and the journey.
The Eighth of April 2024
In North America, April 8, 2024, created quite a stir. Somehow I managed to avoid the details of the eclipse until mid-March when the realization crashed down upon me that we were in the path of totality – 99.2% in my hometown. North of us on the shore of Lake Erie they were set to experience 100%. I was flabbergasted. This was going to be my first eclipse with totality and I was pretty uncertain about the experience. It was such an extraordinary event, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. The enormity of that took time to process in my mind and while I came to terms with it I was filled with anxiety at the unknown.
I know that I was incredibly privileged to be right in the path and I am grateful for the once-in-a-lifetime experience even though I was nervous about it. I want to be genuine on this blog and hiding the amount of anxiety this experience gave me would be dishonest, especially because I know there were other people out there who were nervous about it too. Once I learned about the eclipse, it was like a constant bombardment of information. There was a lot of hype around this thing. As the days drew closer, it felt as though it was all that anyone was talking about.
Because there was no escape I had a choice – let the anxiety and the fear take the lead or let this experience teach me something about life and myself. At first, the fear had absolute control and I felt stuck. But I didn’t want to live my life in fear, so just as Kevin McCallister faces his fear of the furnace and the burglars, to prove that he is not afraid anymore, I decided to face my fear.
Now this is where I had to do some internal work and make some distinctions for myself, living in fear is not the same as experiencing moments of being afraid or anxious. We can’t control what we feel all the time, but we can make plans and develop coping tools to help us in times of fear and anxiety. I had to give myself grace that I wasn’t going to be perfect at this and I might get scared or overwhelmed but that it is a feeling not a guiding force. It was important to me that I made a plan of ways to help myself through the feelings I was having to get more comfortable and distract myself if it became overwhelming because deep down I was ashamed of my fear of the unknown, but also I didn’t want to ruin this for my husband who was quite excited to experience this from our yard.
I searched for videos of former eclipses to understand what it was going to look like and how it might feel to experience it. I mainly wanted to understand how dark it would get and for how long, as well as how long this process was going to take from start to finish. My husband had a great idea which was to have exit strategies such as going into my workroom and closing the blackout curtains to be in a sensory bubble with the light on. The eclipse’s totality was estimated at 3 min and 45 seconds here so he suggested I find a favorite K-pop song to listen to through the totality to bring me joy in a moment of overload. It was great grounding by him.
Three days before I started setting a timer for the length of the totality and going about my daily tasks to help my brain remember that it wasn’t long at all and it would be over soon if I didn’t like it. The best thing I found was a resource guide for neurodivergent kids that overviewed the whole process from start to finish. I know that I am a Highly Sensitive Person, but now I wonder if I should find out if I am neurodivergent because what I was struggling with had crossed over with this guide. It was the first resource that truly helped me prepare and feel at ease. I also prayed for God to help me shift my focus from fear to appreciation for this amazing event I was going to see and to see His majesty in the moment instead of my fear.
On the day of the eclipse, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach, it felt like the day I got married, something big and life-changing was on the horizon, not impending doom but something bigger than myself. A big moment for us all, like the morning of my college graduation, it was a big step into the unknown. This is where I could start to feel things falling into place. I realized my next-door neighbors who feel like family were going to be home for it and that felt so comforting.
Mom’s photo from 99.6% totalityMom’s photo from 99.6% totalityMom’s photo from 99.6% totalitythe “IT” accessory of April 2024My view at the edge of totality, 99.2%My view, totality shadow at 99.2%
When it began the neighbors who I clicked with all came outside and we experienced the eclipse start together. We then settled in and watched with the friends who feel like family and it was such an amazing bonding experience that I won’t forget. That being said, I did not make it through the event without having a panic attack which I know God helped me pull myself out of. At totality the light was so weird, the shadows disorienting, and the air too still and cold. It felt like a low-pressure system coming through and I felt overwhelmed by the oddness.
I’m glad I experienced it once, but I do not wish to see another one anytime soon. Once was enough, I’m sorry to say, it was too eerie for me. It was an incredible display of creation’s beauty but it was overstimulating and straight up uncomfortable for me to love it. I’m thrilled though for all the people who got to experience it and absolutely loved it. I want to be more like you!
Eight Years of Marriage
As the sun moved quickly, faster than the speed of sound through the eclipse path my world returned to normal my mind shifted from that place of anxiety to a restful contentment. April 8th was over, which meant April 9th was coming, my eighth wedding anniversary, and a whole day to spend with my husband. Another year in the books with my best friend! Another year passed, eight in total, a dream I hoped would happen when it got difficult and when life seemed stacked against us. We’re out of the honeymoon period, the newlywed haze, the seven-year itch, and all those weird qualifications our society puts on marriage. When it’s really about every day and choosing the other person each day. Committing to the team and playing for the good of the team.
We’ve had so many weird anniversaries where it felt like our world was barely holding on. We’ve had tough years where it felt like a fight to stay together because outside forces like family, finances, childhood trauma, grief, the pandemic, the recession, etc were stacked against us. It felt good to get up and have a normal day of spending time together with my best friend.
In the morning we ran errands and got Kyle a fishing license and me some trail shoes, we went to a used bookstore and grabbed some boba tea. We ate stir fry with noodles for lunch and sprayed for ants around the perimeter inside and out, later we went to the driving range, got Domino’s for dinner, soaked in the beauty of shooting stars and cherry blossoms on ACNH, and finally ended the evening with two of our favorite channels – Matt and Julia and Coupy Camper.
Normal, steady, friendship, connection, contentment, affection, I think this is what we all yearn for more than the flashy moments. Especially after a day of a once-in-a-lifetime event, being “boring” with my best friend in the normal sunshine in a place that feels familiar doing my favorite things, and preparing for more adventures, just felt right. It was the balance being restored in my world, something I am sure to hold dear for years to come.
I finished my koala portrait from Koala Drawings in Pencil in a new medium, well a new old medium, a medium I haven’t used in 10 years, oil pastel! I forgot how good oil pastels are for color payoff and texture without being messy like chalk pastels or watercolors. I felt in control of the pigment while being able to direct shadows and highlights over the piece. I’m hooked!
This koala was inspired by a photo I found on Instagram from a creator with the handle @hidenoritsuzuki. Why was this image so special to me? The hand posture and facial expression reminded me so much of my stepdad and his favorite goofy way to feign exasperation. It was the hand! Totally brightened my day. 🙂
One Rabbit Riot 