Category: neurodivergence

My Song-a-Day Choices: Stray Kids

Credit to r/straykids

For two years, I’ve been mulling over how to dive into Stray Kids and their music, the way I’ve done with other K-pop artists, like aespa, Ateez, and i-dle. I sipped my toes in with My Tagline and Skz Hop Hip Tape, but I have not shared anything deeper, because dang, this band can be controversial, fan wars suck, and I also deeply love their music. It’s got me through rough patches and high highs; it is probably my neurodivergent special interest. It’s a spiderweb of music, funny moments, and an overall safe place to land, thanks to elements like Chan’s Room. Borrowing the Song-A-Day challenge format and filling out my own card seemed like the perfect way to get back into K-pop deep dives. (Then I hope – I can finally get myself to write about Kpop Demon Hunters!)

DAY 1 – My first experience with the eight-member Korean boy band, Stray Kids, was their song Maniac (2022). Shortly after Maniac and its album, Oddinary, were released in March 2022, the algorithm served me the Maniac music video, and my taste in music has been transformed. For good, I’d say!

DAY 2 – Case 143, released in October 2022, was my first official comeback experience. With the release of Maxident, I discovered Skz Code, compilations of funny moments, memes, etc. I dipped my toes into the world of Stay and haven’t looked back. Case 143 is one of their songs that challenges song structure, the whole way through. It’s complex.

DAY 3 – Creed. I think this because Karma was released at a time (August 2025) when I felt lost, pissed off, and in need of a song that captured how fed up I was feeling about the world. But I needed a song that was not one of my old standbys of Breaking Benjamin, Evanescence, System of a Down, or Nightwish. Stray Kids, no matter what emotion they explore, always have light in the darkness. I listened to this song like an emotional release through August, September, and in the culmination of stress in October. It just scratched that part of my brain that needed a song to echo all my big feelings.

DAY 4 – Novel is a fantastic, underrated song with a great high note. It’s from The Sound (February 2023), a Japanese release, so it flies under the radar until you dig into their discography. I found it this year while listening to the full The Sound album while tilling the garden.

DAY 5 – My favorite SKZ record is Want so Bad by Minsung, also known as Lee Know and Han. I love this song for its music, the happy feeling it brings me when I listen to it, and the thrill of these two pals getting to write a song just the two of them. This is not because I am shipping them. I’d also argue this song would be lovely in a K-drama similar to The Potato Lab or Business Proposal. It is instant dopamine, give it a listen! My final thought is, listening to this song again, Lee Know’s song Youth from the SKZ Hop album feels like a sequel to this song in their discography, which is varied and, to be honest, vast for only being a band for 8 years.

DAY 6 – Haven is a song about identity and courage, being yourself, and it is so comforting. All I want is the space to be myself. This song was released in 2020, but it didn’t hit my radar until 2024, when they performed it at Lollapalooza in Chicago, and it was like it hit me in my core. I felt like I had found a little virtual home in their music. A haven, literally. I’ve always felt like an outsider – a stray.

DAY 7 – My Pace is a no-skip; it is a song that, when it plays, I must listen and soak up all the vibes of this anthem. I love Changbin’s barking, aggressive rap lines. I want to jump around. It was another stunner from Lollapalooza that I hadn’t appreciated in its true form until I watched them perform it on a big stage. My Pace is an original, from their early days back in 2018, when Stray Kids were still rookies. They have always been good and always deeper than the “noise music” or “braggy” accusations.

DAY 8 – Divine, you have bewitched me body and soul, and I love you most ardently. There is not a boring song on ‘Do It’ (November 2025), to be clear, but this new song, Divine, has eclipsed Do It for me. Divine’s music video is such a fun ride if you like vintage Asian cinema or stories like Smallville, Lord of the Rings, etc. They face down a dark force and defeat it, turning their enemies into the scales of a sweeping dragon in a painting. The song showcases a Korean legend, with the lesson being not to escape away from reality too far and neglect your responsibilities. There is an old school hip-hop feel, random noises, and the electric energy of God’s Menu and Thunderous.

DAY 9 – Just one favorite B-side? That’s cruel. The b-sides are where Stray Kids really shine. I guess if I can only choose one, Leave (November 2023). It’s such a bop. It’s one of their softer, melodic songs that, in my opinion, marked the new era of Stray Kids. By 2023, they were fine-tuning their sound, and I could see where the possibilities could be long-term. The way they share the lyrics across the song, they truly are one band. One sound. Also, that chorus, “Lalalala la Lalalala x3, I’m missing you.” It’s haunting and beautiful. I could see how this band would be one I would keep listening to, as long as they want to put out music.

DAY 10 – LALALALA from the November 2023 album, Rockstar, is magnetic. LALALALA is language play. The original Chinese character Rak, pronounced slightly between la and ra (To the best of my understanding, I am not an expert.) and represents emotions – fear, sadness, anger, and happiness. The song’s journey gets rid of the rest until only happiness remains. Using the repetition of “Feel the rock” and “Let it rock” to bridge the gap between east and west, delicately weaving together this metaphor. The dance, oh, how I wish I could do it. The beat is so catchy. Such a good hype song!

DAY 11 – I’m a sucker for a Seungmin soundtrack. If I had a clear bias in the group (I’m an OT8 bias for reference), Seungmin would most likely be my bias wrecker for how I have grown to appreciate his vocal range since 2022. For all eight members, my favorite OST would be ‘Why?’ from January 2024, but overall, I am enamoured by My Destiny by Seungmin and the growth of his voice over the years. There is nowhere to hide in My Destiny; it is all vocals. So again to the haters, if you think Stray Kids are phonies, they are most certainly not! My Destiny is a romantic song with a subtle melody, perfect for the K-drama, The Potato Lab (March 2025).

DAY 12 – Ceremony (August 2025) is the best workout song, full stop. Try listening to it while doing cardio. The song doesn’t have a chorus until the end; it just keeps building and circling. It will push you, but it will feel like an exhilarating party.

DAY 13 – Parade is a Japanese release from the Hollow album (June 2025), which I’d love to see them circle back to with a music video. A full-scale production with a real parade, a band, confetti, floats, and excitement. Something like Ceremony would be fun.

DAY 14 – When Hollow (June 2025) came out, it changed me. It melted me, and I cried listening to the lyrics. Like ‘Golden’ and ‘This Is What It Sounds Like’, it broke me. One of my loved ones and I were fighting, and I was worried about their health. A former friend was really piling on their problems, and I was drained and feeling lonely. This song got it.

DAY 15 – I love singing along to Surfin’ even though I can only sing half the words, but dang, what a masterpiece from Lee Know, Changbin, and Felix back in 2021 from the No Easy album. It’s summertime. It’s upbeat. It’s got a rhythm that echoes the cadence of the waves and sea breezes. It’s one of a kind.

DAY 16 – I’d love to see them perform ‘Slash’ from Deadpool and Wolverine (August 2024) live on tour, or maybe a festival performance. I don’t think they have ever performed it. It was released quietly with the Deadpool and Wolverine theater release. To the best of what I’ve gathered from people who saw it, Disney didn’t even put it in the movie…because they suck. But like, what about a tiger, dual sword-wielding, superhero? Yes.

DAY 17 – I’d be interested in them re-releasing Hellevator (2017) with the music production and style they have now. It’s a fantastic song, but it does feel a bit 2010s and Chainsmoker-y in the production, as was popular at the time. No shade to the original.

DAY 18 – I’ve been trying to save God’s Menu (June 2020) and have no duplicates, but the opening sequence of God’s Menu goes

어서 오십시오
eoseo osibsio

이 가게는 참 메뉴가 고르기도 쉽죠
i gageneun cham menyuga goleugido swibjyo

and sounds like Changbin is saying “shit show.” I’ve shared this song with a loved one, and they literally have remarked, “Ah, it’s the shit show song” upon hearing it. Still the funniest misheard lyric for me.

DAY 19 – S-Class (June 2023) from the 5-Star Album was not my jam the first time around. It took multiple tries, and feeling a bit lost, until this song won me over. It was so different in structure. But that whistle, the chorus, and the music video eventually got me excited. Now this is one of my favorite title tracks for its signature Stray Kids randomness.

DAY 20 – Tortoise and the Hare (September 2020) for me is the most meme-worthy song because of one simple chorus swap – I know, you know, we know, Lee Know. This was reprised in the song Jjam in July 2024 from the album ATE. It is one of my favorite little easter eggs, especially when Lee Know encourages it with random Tortoise and the Hare references.

DAY 21 – Okay, this might be a weird pick to play for grandparents, but they were both into music. I’m choosing my maternal grandparents for this. Papa was in a quartet, and Grandma was a pianist who also taught. If I could catch their interest with good vocals, solid music, and the romance of the song, I could have opened the door to showing them more. My choice, if they were still here, is Waiting for Us from the album Oddinary (March 2023).

DAY 22 – Cheese is a go-to sing for me when I have chores to do around the house and zero motivation. This song is from No Easy (2021) and has so much attitude. I love it. This song has a misheard lyric for me – “Hook ya? Cheese!” It’s also a song that makes me think of my dog Sully, who loved cheese.

DAY 23 – Since I already used God’s Menu, and I refuse to duplicate with this many songs to choose from, I say Thunderous from No Easy (2021). This song has swagger. I listened to this song second, after Maniac, with maybe God’s Menu or Venom afterwards. Upon watching the Thunderous music video, I thought, “How freaking cool is this band?!” I’d never heard a band blend modern and traditional with such skill before.

DAY 24 – DLMLU or Don’t Let Me Love You (2023) is one of their great, slightly problematic love songs. They do a fantastic job of capturing the dysfunction of relationships, and this song is just that, a song fighting the undeniable pull the narrator feels. It’s got a great beat, and doesn’t get the attention of other Stray Kids songs, such as I Like It or Collision. Honorable mention: Venom (2022), which gets sidelined for Maniac but is complex, satisfying, and has a fun music video.

DAY 25 – In 2023, the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign covered All In by Stray Kids at a halftime show, and it was so flipping satisfying. I have been waiting for their music to show up like this, and when it did, I was over the moon. All In is a high-energy Japanese release from October 2020.

DAY 26 – Cover Me from 2023’s Rockstar album stood out for many reasons, one of them being the harmonizing, the slow pace, and the one-take high note from Seungmin that is phenomenal. But the lyrics got me; they captured the feelings I’ve felt for so long. Being the kid on the fringe. All my friends had two parents, didn’t live with their grandparents, had siblings with the same mom and dad, didn’t have childhood trauma, and now I understand the outside thing I felt was also because of neurodivergence. I’ve never quite fit anywhere, only in passing, and this song gets all of those feelings. Thank you, Hyunjin, for this gem.

DAY 27 – Rama Giant! That’s how Han’s recording sounds, and I love it. It’s supposed to be “I’m a giant.” I also love this music video, as the meaning is deeper than it seems. Han’s sneeze. The clever line of “do re me fa King giant!” This title track, Giant came out in October 2024, on an album of the same name. I’m not over this song. It was one of my most listened to albums of 2025. It’s a Japanese release, so it gets less notoriety, but that’s okay. I hope one day they add it to the regular set.

DAY 28 – Domino is iconic. It’s also a great car jam because there is no weird stuff in the background, as Kyle says. He doesn’t like how much chaos, sirens, etc, they add to the back track for driving, and I get it. It does create mental chaos. Domino, from No Easy (2021), has been a favorite since my first listen. The cadence, the creativity. I just love listening to it, but especially in the car on a zippy and winding road.

DAY 29 – Chan’s solo, Railway (2024), would be my choice for a superhero theme, maybe an odd choice, but I could see it working for a complex, maybe misunderstood superhero? Watching Smallville has shown me the levels, and somewhere underneath, Clark Kent is here in this song, in the moments when he feels like an outsider. Maybe a show where both Railway and Escape were the title credits and ending credits? That could be satisfying.

DAY 30 – Night (2024) is an original soundtrack, but dang, this song is so good. It’s like a rock opera. The guitar, the piano, the range of the vocals, and the orchestral swell of it all into a final crescendo. This song could easily be just a song for an album. I really want them to keep exploring J-rock and these big opus-type songs. It brings everything I love about classical music into the mix. I crave more.

DAY 31 – Chk Chk Boom has currently dethroned Miroh for me as the Stray Kids anthem, please Stay, don’t hate me. It’s just been the song that has had such massive reach for the past year with awards, the Dominate tour, and even the satisfying feature of Ryan Reynolds in the music video. It shows how much they have accomplished, and it is also a fantastic song.

Phew! I did it. That was a lot of decisions, and I could probably keep revising and revising. I truly love their discography; it’s self-produced, written by them, and choreographed by them. They recently won the Daesang (album of the year) at MAMA 2025. They broke the Billboard 200 record for No. 1 album debuts with Karma, and extended the record to 8 with Do It. It’s truly impressive. In this world of increasing convenience, AI slop, and conformity, you can still excel and be yourself. That’s what they have done.

More Reflections, A Year With a Bunny Part Two

One year ago, we adopted Mia from a local rabbit rescue. We knew life would change, but we didn’t consider how much we would change and grow from this experience. These are my reflections on how our little house bunny, Mia, has shaped us in our first year together.

Awareness

Today, I accidentally scared Mia. I came downstairs from working out, with music playing on my phone, distracted and not considering the little bunny, snoozing in a deep sleep. As soon as I looked up from my phone, I was highly aware of what my blissful ignorance hath wrought: ears standing tall, eyes wide, and body tense, ready to run at the slightest hint of danger. Before Mia, I was aware of what startled me, but with Mia and her own sensitive ears, it has challenged me to approach life with an even gentler touch. Today was a day I forgot, but with each passing month, these moments of unawareness are decreasing. Getting used to how aware Mia is of her surroundings was intimidating at first. I remember feeling on edge those first weeks, feeling like I was unable to relax – scared to scare Mia – a bit impossible of a standard!

I’ve learned to be quiet, internally and externally. The desire for quiet, for the little prey animal in our midst, has become a craving for quiet coming from a place inside me. What felt like a burden at first has become a blessing, because the awareness of the sound level, the peaceful environment I wish to create for Mia, has become a goal I desire for my own needs. The awareness of the quiet and the peace is something that I need, that Kyle needs. It’s healthier for us, but in this distracted and noise-polluted world, I don’t know if my awareness was going to attune to this again without Mia.

Structure

Mia has a schedule, possibly wearing a little watch somewhere under all that fur. She hops to her dinner spot around 5 pm, and waits for her breakfast starting at 8 am. She knows what time we should go to bed, with a precision I wish I could stick to. I’m not blessed with a sense of schedule. I tend to drift off course, but Mia is teaching me structure, and her needs are reminding me how comforting a schedule can be. Taking care of her is teaching me more about what I actually need to take care of myself in a healthier way. How is this little bunny so wise, so intuitive? The promise to care for her, every day, is a responsibility that I thought would feel heavy and burdensome, but instead, it is a way I have rediscovered purposeful living. I am grateful.

Letting Go

Detachment from physical things is the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn from living with Mia. Mia loves to chew my stuff. She has chewed holes in sentimental blankets, she has forever changed favorite pieces of furniture, and she will take a chunk out of newly made pieces fresh from my workroom. She doesn’t discriminate from store-bought items either – brand new overalls, my phone case, my Nalgene bottle. This has stressed me out. Mia has chewed the couch, a brand new coffee table hand-built by Kyle, the freshly painted baseboards, slippers, and I’m sure there will be more. I’ve gone through the stages of grief. I’ve had moments of intense frustration and questioning it all. But when I committed to adopting Mia, I told myself that I would remember that people are more important than things, and in this case, people and little furry members of the family.

The Floor is Great

I love sitting on the floor. I have always loved sitting on the floor; it grounds my mind – no pun intended. But dating and spending time at future in-law houses and not wanting to be weird, renting with worn wood floors, and moving into adulthood with busy schedules, changed my life from a cozy floor sitter to work chairs and collapsing into couches at the end of the day. Or sitting at my sewing table in a chair with bad posture. I stopped sitting on the floor. But with a rabbit, they like and need you to be on their level. I believe it is essential for bonding with your rabbit. At the beginning, it was hard. It felt unnatural after a decade of not being on the floor. The floor felt hard, unwelcoming. Even with carpet. But after a few months, I felt comfortable. My hips and back hurt less when I spend time on the floor. A year later, I am back to being a floor dweller. Without Mia, would I have ever gone back? I don’t know, but wow, my body feels more comfortable, younger even.

Slow Down, Be Present

The final thing that my rabbit soulmate has taught me this year is to be present and slow down. Mia is already four; she has an estimated lifespan of 12 years, which is not a lot of time when you really care about someone. I don’t want to miss any more moments with her. Kyle and I celebrated 9 years of marriage this year, 11 years together. Time feels like it is flying, and I want to be more present in my relationship with him. My mom and my stepdad are also getting older, and I want to be more present. Mia is teaching me that. Where I can, when I can make the choice to pause what I am doing to spend time with her, and I challenge myself to do so. That has been a challenge. I tend to hyperfixate on projects, which burn me out, but a difficult bad habit to break.

This year, I have created less, but I am feeling the balance being restored to my life. Without Mia hopping over to spend time with me, who knows if I would be shifting my perspective to a healthier state of mind? I can feel my mind and body feeling less stressed. Mia naps a lot, and that is another piece of the slowing-down puzzle that I am learning to accept without guilt. Rest is important. Rest is necessary. Slowing down is good for us. But we resist, because it’s tough to go against the grain. Rest is seen as lazy, even though our bodies and minds get burnt out. Living with Mia is helping me reset those misconceptions and take better care of myself.

Final Thoughts

I would 100% recommend adopting a rabbit if you have been thinking about it. Adopt any pet, actually, or volunteer at a local animal shelter. Do your research and get involved; it will change your life for the better. Animals are so calming. Mia has helped me open up again, in ways I thought I was closed off for good. It’s helped me understand my neurodivergence, my sensitivity, my trauma. She just gets me. She listens, she is there. She has become a best friend, and don’t we all need more of that in our lives? And what about Mia? Well, I’m honored that we got to provide her with her furever home. She has a big space to zoomie around, endless hay, and pets. She gets to watch TV, explore the couch, and have all her toys and treats to herself. She is the center of attention and trusts us. It’s amazing to know a prey animal trusts you. It challenges you to be the best person you can be.

#78 – Can You Feel Optimism in 2025?

This is a bit of a follow-up to my discussion of cultural boredom from earlier this year, a little update to my creative slump, and exciting developments for my hunt to replace my reliable crafting supplies. The world still feels like it is on fire, but I think I am learning how to thrive again. It takes me a long time to process things, so maybe that’s why?

Spaghetti and Gnarly

Le Sserafim released a song that captures the wonderfully nonsensical world of a good K-pop song. Spaghetti is catchy, silly, and makes me crave spaghetti, so that’s what I am cooking tonight. It is what I remember the music videos of K-pop to look like when I took the plunge in 2022. It was fun, and in the last few years, it has lost some of its luster with darker concepts, instead of cute, and a bit uninspired. Although I’m fully into K-pop, it has been repetitive and bland for most of 2025. Except for my favorites – Stray Kids and Nmixx. Enter Gnarly by Katseye. A song that is so jarring it’s bad but also amazing, it’s been a weird one for me, the thesis of this year, it has felt like. “Everything is gnarly.” A phrase that has carried me through bizarre headlines and life’s bumpy road this year. For me, Gnarly was going to be the song that typified what I remember feeling in 2025, until Bleep by Stray Kids dropped in August. But now, I hope I will remember moments that feel like the upbeat wonder of Spaghetti. What about Golden? I desperately need to compile notes for K-pop Demon Hunters because that has been such a gift.

Big Twist at Michaels

Big Twist is back at Michaels, for real, and it’s kind of silly to admit this, but it feels comforting. There’s a Joann Knit and Sew Shop section in the store, and like, maybe it was a bad dream? I mean, all the crafting drama definitely happened this year between private equity, tariffs, and Sci Show declaring the arrival of physicists to help the knitters. The familiarity was maybe all my neurodivergent mind needed to just relax a bit? Now the fabric is not good, but it could get better in time. I’m choosing to be hopeful, I mean, the recent US election showed a strong rejection of the Trump Administration, so as people have said all year, if it can get worse, it can get better. And for me, who hates change with a passion, I’ve learned that if it disappears, it can come back. I just need to work on my patience. I have found a second local yarn store in my own state, and a great local fabric shop. I’d say I’m pleased to the point that I am not missing Joann like I thought I would.

Stitches for Identity

I believe I am finally moving out of the depressed forest that is being laid off due to personal and global trauma. I’ve been listening to Kitchen and Jorn’s Losing Followers Podcast, where they have been talking through the post-Buzzfeed time of their careers. I was in a toxic job at Great Dane Trailers in the late 2010s, and it was freeing yet terrifying to lose that job. Listening to Jen and Kristin talk through the transition of leaving a job that demanded all of them, to be free from that monster, but also lose all connection to the project they built from the ground up, has been a balm to me. When I was laid off, I lost my app and my content calendar, my magazine contribution. I was wrecked, and I didn’t know how to process that for years. I felt like a loser. I dove into crafting, and for years, those stitches of thread and yarn gave me meaning.

The blog, though, and finally this year uploading my manuscript to this website this year connected me back to what makes me feel like me. I have always been drawn to writing, and not having that or a way to work towards something bigger than just sharing my creations on social media was gnarly. But this blog and your community have helped me find my way back. I mean, heck, Udal Cuain and my original blog, where I shared chapters, was the portfolio that landed me the corporate job. Although it’s gone, what I learned and experienced stayed with me and has made me grow into who I am now. This has been a full circle.

It’s been freeing to admit to myself and loved ones that I was depressed by that career loss. Starting over again has been confusing, but it’s not all figured out yet. There is still time to find a new place where I belong. I’m in the process of recalibrating, and that is a direction in itself. I feel freed from the weight of “monetizing my hobby” and the impossible summit of creating a small business as someone who truly is not cut out for the accounting or marketing parts.

Unmasking and Coping for the First Time

Truly, though, as I reflect on this year, getting serious about health – mental, physical, and emotional – for the first time has contributed to the feeling of optimism I have leaving 2025 that I did not have entering 2025. I have healthier boundaries in relationships, more honesty about how I’m doing, and whether I am feeling overstimulated. I recently got into rebounding, aka a fancy term for jumping on a miniature trampoline for cardio. Wow, I like this for my mind! It resets me, and it’s helping me get stronger. I used to feel ashamed of who I am. I didn’t understand why I felt so different, nor did I know how to communicate burnout without pushing friends and loved ones away. Being unmasked was tumultuous for the first couple of months, but now I never want to put that neurotypical mask back on.

How has 2025 changed you? I think it has made me unapologetically empathetic. Bolder to say I disagree with wrong because the stakes have been higher than ever in my lifetime. I hope to carry that forward into 2026, because I think the opposite of late-stage capitalism is community, so let’s burn it down with empathy. Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. I wish you love and kindness.

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Planning the Final Makes of 2025

It’s that time of year when the holidays kick in, motivating me to dream of all that I can make before Christmas. But this year I am doing this a little differently.

Stitch/Life Balance

I started working and planning earlier. I usually think about what I want to make around Thanksgiving, a month or less before Christmas which is an impossible deadline. Last year I made a temperature basket and pushed to finish it in three weeks, it was tedious and down right miserable.

Create Better

I had better out comes with smaller projects, like mittens for my mom. This year I am also using distinct inspirations, so the projects are easier to execute well.

Started Earlier

I started my Christmas planning in August and began work in September, a first for me. I am debating on whether to gift a fully completed sweater or keep it, it was made without a clear goal and is a cozy crochet cardigan. If I choose to gift it then, I actually started in July which is the ideal timeline for me. I would like to start making as early as possible next year.

Holding Projects for January

I have made one Halloween project, but other than that I have been focused on making for other people this fall and it feels great. No stress.

There are several projects in my mind, but I am holding them for later. January feels like this depressing months of “after” all the excitement of the holidays. This usually includes a lapse of creativity too. I tend to push myself to make all my winter stuff in fall. To be honest, it’s dumb.

It can frost as late as June where I live, and snow in earlier May. It is cold for at least the first quarter of the year so why limit my timeline?

I am hoping this new creative strategy will lead to better makes and a happier maker.

Soul Crushing Dread

I am struggling this week to not feel down. The Federal Government shutdown and Pennsylvania Government shutdown is causing havoc for a lot of people. SNAP benefits are being paused Nov 1, so is a program in Pennsylvania which helps people pay for heating costs. You can see the blood of the RSF genocide in Sudan from space. ICE is being spotted more in my state. Every thing is gnarly, to quote Katseye. There are some personal things being worked through behind the scenes, that can drag me down, and I just feel sad. My heart is heavy. I would like evil to disappear. As corny as it sounds, I’d like world peace for Christmas.

I hope you are doing well, and know that you are loved. Hang in there. I am struggling as a sensitive person in these overstimulating times.

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Halloween Crochet Vest

Every October, I feel more alive. I don’t mean to sound like a cringe, halloween obsessed person. I think, October fills me with life because it is the first wave of chilly air, and gray, rainy skies. Summer’s heat and bright sun, is great, but I feel burnt out from the stimulation by the end of August. It’s a time to reset and rest, in the spooky season and colorful leaves.

For another reason, I’ve realized this year, Halloween feels like a recharging time, because it is a holiday that is just about fun. There is no family meal, no presents, no longing or ache for those who have died. It is a holiday that does have a focus more on death but in this healthier other space.

It gives me room to breathe before Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the anniversary of my Grandma’s passing, to feel free from this heaviness. For a moment, things feel simple and joyful again.

So to honor this time, I made my first Halloween themed garment with a self-drafted pattern using granny stitches, double crochet, and treble crochet to make this pullover vest breathable.

Purple, black, and orange are colors that work with my existing wardrobe so I believe this piece will fit in all year around…aside from the summer, for obvious reasons.

This is just one of many Halloween inspired creations, I am brewing up. I excited to see those come to life soon!

As a fellow neurodivergent person, or a neurotypical, do you look to October as a time to recharge? What’s your favorite “ber” month?

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I Am My Own Crafting Worst Enemy

This is an unplanned part three of my “Drafting Shortalls From Scratch” because I did not succeed in making my overalls for winter. Although I have made shortalls twice this summer, a few silly, but very human mistakes, led to the project going awry. This is what I think went wrong:

  • Flew too close to the sun when tailoring
  • Planning < No Plan
  • Lack of Focus
  • Measure Once, Cuss Twice
  • I kinda hate sewing when it feels this hard
  • Putting too much pressure on myself
  • Not Buying Enough Fabric
  • Not Mocking Up
  • Not using my Patterns when I’m stuck
  • Research the Basics

It’s so easy to think we’ve got this and be too confident when going into a project. With knitting, this approach of fearlessness had led to some great projects, but with sewing, this artistic type of approach crashes and burns. Sewing is fabrication, as weird as that sounds. I think I was prepared to sew such complex tailoring projects, such as my shortalls, this summer, because I spent the spring building a screened-in porch with Kyle. Woodworking is very similar to sewing, I learned! It is about measuring, planning, creating things in a specific order, and constructing something that is built to last. When we started working on the porch, I never imagined how much it would teach me about garment construction. But it gave me a template to focus on. Who knew that woodworking would be such an inspirational experience for me?

So why am I sharing this? I am really struggling to accept that sewing is not coming easily to me; no matter how much I practice, it continues to challenge me. I’d like to invite you to join me in not giving up on those things in our lives that are hard.

Letters Of Healing #2 – Letting It Out Is Important Too

I have a bad habit, I’ve acquired over the past few years: I bottle things up so people don’t leave me. Hi, I’m Magz and I have a problem. A two-prong issue, actually, I am not processing my feelings, and I am irrationally concerned about rejection. It’s not good. I was taught to believe by family and society that it was because of divorce, specifically placing the blame on my dad, and to be honest, I believed that for a long time. But that answer leaves all of us who have experienced that or who fear rejection in this weird pseudo-reality of things being out of our control, which doesn’t help. It turns the intensity up all while limiting personal growth. How can you move on if this is baked into your personality, right? I mean, everyone who knows your story will instantly know your flaws – your parent or parents “didn’t love you enough” to stick around. Yeah, this is a toxic bunch of nonsense.

So what has helped me get more clarity on this, honestly, is learning about what makes my mind tick and how I can work with myself to be healthier. For me specifically, learning about neurodivergence, and specifically the possibility of undiagnosed autism or adhd, has helped me understand that there might be more to my penchant for brutal honesty than just being an off-putting person or a bad person. It might be that my brain simply processes differently, yet because I want to fit in – masking, I fall into people-pleasing patterns to “fit in” with those around me. Similar to learning about high-masking autism in females, with adhd, there is a sensitivity to rejection and difficulty with emotional regulation that makes processing the rejection more difficult. I can see these in the ways I have interacted with people throughout my life, especially family members.

I get stuck in these camps of either feeling the need to be brutally honest, especially if I feel an emotional meltdown coming on from bottling everything up, or I clam up and shove it down, no matter how much it hurts to “please” the person. All this does is create a cycle of emotional repression, overwhelm, and meltdown behind the scenes. Loneliness, anger, bitterness, shame, fear of rejection, and pain. This is not what a healthy person looks like.

For too long, I’ve mistaken being “tough” with being healthy. It’s been the one-two punch of finding Elena Carroll’s reflective essays and watching Scrubs for these to start clicking in my brain. I find myself pinballing between being like Dr. Dorian, who lets people like Elliott walk all over him, and Dr. Cox, who shoves it all down and sinks into a pit of loneliness behind the shadows because dealing with my problems makes me feel uncomfortable.

My constant dysfunctional relationship, which gets more unhinged every year, my relationship with my mom is the place where I see all these problematic habits come to the surface. I will bottle something up for a decade, afraid of the confrontation, and then one day I will just explode about something else. To be fair, when I do blow up, it’s usually after my mom has contributed to my anger with a gem of guilt or a little nugget of criticism on some part of my personality. Like recently, I was told she was intentionally withholding her health updates after two concerning ER visits, because I am too “sensitive” to handle anything after I told her it has been scary thinking of being sick because I love her. Yep, I see where I have learned to shove everything down – you can’t be weak and express emotions, that’s for losers.

So where does that leave me? Well, I can either choose Option #1 – be honest about my frustrations and stand up for myself, which comes with consequences, Option #2 – bottle it up and fake a smile, all while my shoulders knit themselves into a stress knot and my jaw clenches like a bear trap, Option #3 – I avoid the relationship for months at a time and pretend like nothing happened. Lately, I’ve been thinking, why can’t I just be honest as it comes, instead of bottling up to the point where I am furious? I don’t live there anymore, there are no consequences for being honest gently, and in the moment that I disagree? That would be healthier, and somehow, over all these years, I forgot how to do this. Because adulthood is lonely. Grief is lonely. Sometimes that fear of rejection and people pleasing is all that you crave just to keep a relationship with a loved one steady, because you miss how easy it was when you were a kid.

I think health, though, might be more important than the illusion of peace, because I have not been managing stress well over the last ten years. My mental health took a toll, and so did my physical health. I’ve stored so much stress in my body, pretending I was happy about things that hurt me because I didn’t want to hear how I was different, not enough like my mom’s family, or weak for being sensitive, or a bad person for getting angry sometimes. I’ve had the same knot at the base of my neck for 5 years, which is not healthy at all. So what am I doing with all these revelations about who I am and what is healthy and what is not? I am slowly shifting through it. I’m taking space and a break from some of my more trying family relationships to get this stress worked out of my body and find my calm again. My husband, friends, and my beloved bun deserve better than for me to let things out of my control take a toll on my mental and physical health. Especially when they are the ones who pick up the pieces when I fall apart.

How do you manage stress? Do you struggle with people pleasing or bottling up emotions? Have people ever told you to change who you are to fit their standards?

Individuals Without Individuality

What does it mean to be an individual? Are you a person? A sum among parts? An island? A unique person, maybe? What does it mean to do things individually? What does individuality mean to an individual? I really wish this word, and its forms, weren’t so tricky to spell with my slightly dyslexic mind (not formally diagnosed, but it runs in the family). It’s a lot to digest, but this has probably been stewing in my mind for the past year, waiting for me to plate it up.

My culture is incredibly individualistic, and this is expressed in good ways and bad. One good way is that my country is a land of immigrants and indigenous people, meaning there are voices, ideas, and ways of doing things. But when there are people, there are forces of wanting to fit in, wanting to control and suppress, and prescribed ideas of the “best” way. I think this has been at the forefront of my mind because I see a vast amount of content being shared online saying originality is dead, or personal style has been killed by the algorithm. We are all core-ified or aesthetically boxed in, and social media has commodified subcultures. But it’s the internet, critiquing the internet, so we’re of course using broad, and extreme brushstrokes here.

Where my mind has drifted to is the sameness. I see people online discussing the boringness of everything from movies to the same cosmetic procedures, the bland landscape of interior design, and starter pack cliches for “types” of women. There is a sea of Petite Knit patterns, a galaxy of Marvel media that repeat the same formula, reboot television, and romantic tropes pushed by publishers and BookTok to make everything fit nicely in the digital marketing ecosystem. Then we fall into nostalgia, like recession pop, which I found myself listening to the other day, reminiscing about my first summer as a member of Geneva’s painting crew in 2010. Thinking about how different life was before I even had a Facebook.

What we talked about and the memories I made with the women and men of my team were tangible, not digital. We discovered what we liked based on environmental forces, like books assigned in school, books suggested by a friend, etc. Music was discovered and shared by radio play, recommendations from others, and shared playlists that your friend curated, not the music streaming platform or the algorithm. I thought a bit less about my appearance, I mean, in adolescence, you are quite aware, but not as much as the smartphone era has brought attention to the physical image of ourselves. I had fewer pictures, grainier pictures, but more memories. Strong memories are tied to tangible things, like songs, food, books, buildings, and movies. We were all very different from each other, yet we could find commonality, and this is where the gears in my mind started turning.

We were part of a group, but had individuality. Yet, nowadays I feel more like I’m in a void, of no commonality, except for how everyone is into the same things, and wears the same clothes, yet we are not connected, communicating, nor would I even consider that despite our shared things we are on a team or part of a community. It’s hollow.

I think we are missing the point of life. We are not working towards something together. We are not part of communities. We are part of aesthetics. We have become fans not of art or sport but of corporations like Target, Lululemon, Sephora, Stanley, and Tesla. Well, probably not Tesla anymore. Target is also being boycotted, so…anyways. Apple, Alo, Rhode, Kate Spade, Trader Joe’s, Labubu. That’s more 2025, phew. Why are we stanning companies? Why are we considering shopping for a hobby? This is not a way to connect; it is a way to consume and drown in stuff instead of substance. Our roots are becoming so shallow, and our debt is vast; we are plants choked out by the weeds of hyper-individualism. We have let originality become a thing achieved not by character formation and real-life community, but by the path of purchase. Purchases for ourselves. It snuck in so fast, I didn’t realize how the art of gift giving has become a self-care checklist. Yikes! It wasn’t until playing Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing: New Horizons that I was struck by how topsy-turvy my own culture has become. Our priorities are whack, and I believe it has made us lonely, shells, devoid of individual thought, buying our way to “happiness” because all we think about is our individual needs above all. We have forgotten that humans are fulfilled by the relationships and communities we are rooted in. It’s time to break the spell.

My Spring 2025 Soundtrack

Turning grass into unearthed soil – The Tiller

Chirping – Robins

Battleground – Stray Kids

K.K. Oasis

A cut hitting rock – The Shovel

A trickle of water – The Rain Barrel

Staple Jam – The Upholstery Stapler

Cutting Fiberglass Screen – Utility Knife

Slingshot – Nmixx

Glug Glug – Watering Can

Coughing – Garden Tone

Disgust and Fear – The Big Earthworm

K.K. Adventure

My Place

Stalling on Tall Grass – The Mower

Booms that Shake My House – Tannerite from Reckless Community Members

Ice Cream Cake – Red Velvet

Cinema – Lee Know & Seungmin

Humming and Cool Air – The Window A/C

Shock and Gasp – Acid Reflux in the Middle of the Night

Great British Bake Off Theme

Know About Me – Nmixx

Buzzing of Bees

Mia Pulling on the Carpet – Bunny Teeth

Frustration, Fear, and Worry – Trump’s Non Stop Executive Orders

Autism Awareness Content – Fighting The RFK Jr Ignorance

Unmasking is Hard

The term “unmasking” was new to me when I first learned of my neurodivergence. I saw it on Pinterest and Instagram, displayed in captions and little relatable memes, but what did it mean?

I felt the full experience of what it means a few nights ago when I was invaded once again by rising anxiety, flooding through my mind, and this pressure, invisible yet firm, closing in on me. I knew deep down that I was close to having a meltdown, from environmental things that a neurotypical would brush off. I also knew that I couldn’t melt down; it wasn’t safe to be me. I couldn’t stim, that would be looked down upon with pity. I had to put on that mask, the normal-brained facade I’ve studied my whole life to become invisible and just blend into the sea of normies.

I feel this pressure to mask the most when I am interacting with my family. My mom and her side, for a brief time, my dad and his side. It’s a quagmire, being the offspring of two very domineering, neurotypical, narcissistic humans.

It’s a lot of work. Why am I sharing this? Because if you feel this way, you are not alone. I see you. I support you. I am rallying for you and I to make it through these moments holding space for us to be as we are, and to feel like we are enough. We don’t need to be fixed, we need to cope with this wild world that doesn’t understand us.

Like an ill-fitting garment, the clothes are the problem not your body. Your brain is not the problem, the world favors one way of doing things and that doesn’t make it right. Being louder doesn’t make your point more correct. There is nothing wrong with who you are and who you were created to be.

I hope wherever you are, this finds you well. That you are safe, loved, valued, and being kind to yourself. The world needs more kindness. Know that I love you and support you. Take the mask off, breathe, stim, and find peace.

Until next time ❤

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