Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22 ESV

A month ago this verse popped across the screen of my phone, the verse of the day. Although those change daily, this one popped up again, and again. I wasn’t sure why but I knew I should take note. I’ve been a procrastinator in my devotions this fall, without a clear direction in my Bible study, I began reading this chapter, Psalm 55, daily. I’d read it and then reread it. I’d recite the words slowly in my head, sometimes out loud.

Again I wasn’t sure why. I thought maybe God was teaching me something, it felt like He was asking me to trust Him more in those moments of loss. Life was going pretty well so I wasn’t sure why it was happening now as I tend to do. I like to figure everything out, especially when I am supposed to wait and see. My impatient mind does not like waiting and seeing. I’ve learned over time to trust that if He is doing something to take note, and trust that even if it isn’t the way I would want things to happen there is a well-woven tapestry to His plan that will bring me out to the other side, perfectly loved as the song says.

You’re perfectly human
Made from the dust
You’ve got a heart, broken and scarred, yet perfectly loved
Oh, even when you were running
Even when you were hiding
Never been a moment that you were not perfectly loved
When you barely believed it (when you barely believed it)
When your eyes couldn’t see it
Every single moment you’ve always been perfectly loved
Perfectly loved
You’ve always been perfectly loved
– Rachel Lampa

This morning, that tapestry is becoming more clear. Psalm 55 is sandwiched between Psalm 54 and Psalm 56, the headings read – The Lord Upholds My Life, Cast Your Burden on the Lord, In God I Trust. When I was reading Psalm 55 in November, I read these too. I realized He was preparing me for a purpose, to trust Him this weekend when I learned I had unknowingly been eating an item containing milk and got sick. I was ready and rooted when a relational rug with a friend was pulled out from underneath me and I was prepared to be brave and ask her to stay instead of running first.

In the past I’ve been too afraid to be vulnerable with people who are leaving me, I’m always too scared to stop them. I’m terrified to say I care about them, to say that I’m hurting, and to ask them to stay because I’m afraid that they will laugh at me. I’ve been afraid of being too much. I’ve learned from my relationship with my husband that sometimes you have to be willing to look like an idiot because you care about someone. Reaching out first doesn’t mean you are weak or pathetic. It shows that the person means something to you. Being sad that a friendship is ending is healthy and normal, getting angry and burning a bridge so that you look tough is just plain dumb.

But the verse doesn’t say anything about this right? Right but the entire chapter is about David running from a treacherous enemy, it’s about betrayal. Through studying this chapter I’ve learned how to trust God against a treacherous enemy – myself.

I am my worst enemy. I will burn it all down when I’m scared faster than anyone can hurt me. I’ve been a runner, an island, terrified of letting anyone into the deepest parts of my insecurity. I may not be able to trust humans without fail with my heart but I can trust God and that is where my worth must come from. In denying feelings of sadness, and loss, and wanting those relationships to be, I was denying myself the opportunity to grow.

Making peace with my worst enemy, myself has brought me inner peace. I can trust God against my treacherous enemy, myself.

I couldn’t have done that without God’s care to prepare me for it. Through this whole experience, I have learned how great His love is. His love reaches out without certainty of us reaching back and if that is was the ultimate expression of love for us, then who am I to stop myself from growing and maturing to be more Christ-like? Especially if He is going to all this effort to be there for us.

How do you find inner peace? Have you ever self-sabotaged? Do you find it easy to be vulnerable?

December 11, 2023

Learning to Wait for Direction

In a previous post, Listening to the Bible App’s Audio Version, I switched up my Bible listening to Bible reading to get out of a rut I was in, and it worked really well! I was crushing chapters upon chapters and fitting in the Word where I could including listening to a book while I got a shower and ready for bed, while I was sewing, etc. It was an effective way to consume a lot of the Bible at once. I realized though that spending time in God’s word and daily time with God is a lot more complex than I realized.

So it is true that I was consuming a lot of the word, I listened to Lamentations in one sitting. Hosea was a quick listen that made some of those destruction chapters a quick fly-through, which helped a lot to get me more familiar with those unknown places in the Bible, a goal I felt God leading me to this whole year. My goal in 2023 is to let God lead me through the Bible and let Him teach me what He wants me to know as life unfolds because sometimes knowing where to go next is overwhelming. The Bible is a large book full of many different kinds of writings, and that is where I got into a slump this fall. I try to listen faithfully but sometimes discerning God’s leading can be tough for me as a human to focus on. I get distracted and wander. As I listened to book after book quickly through my day, I realized I was wandering and not letting Him direct me. My wandering wasn’t a bad thing, but focusing and listening to where He wanted me to study next was going to be greater than what I could lead myself to on my own.

I believe that my biggest takeaway from 2023, is to not distract myself from the bigger thing that He has planned just because there is a good option in front of me. Taking the wrong turn in life is not necessarily an extreme thing, it can be just a divergent path that will still bring good things but may not be the ultimate plan God had for me for my life or just for that day. There is a lot more subtly to it than I understood before, and in doing so I understand that being in the relationship daily and being present keeps my eyes and ears tuned for what He has in store for me.

In typical human fashion though this is a lot harder to accomplish than I believe it to be at face value. Because life happens. Like unexpectedly getting sick during a crappy time of the month and having your schedule all thrown off. When life gets busy and chaotic, I slack on my good-for-me habits, including being present in my relationship with God. And one night last week when I was feeling rather low from being sick, feeling behind on what I needed to do, and wanting to catch a break, that was not happening. I just wanted to feel healthy again, and I thought I was getting better but it was confusing, the symptoms were coming in waves, as was my energy.

Before bed, I felt incredibly discouraged as I had another setback, and I got angry with God. I wanted to know why a health issue I had been working to manage for a few years seemed to be regressing and becoming even more of a concern, I wanted to know why I had to, at that moment, feel so lost and alone. In frustration, I went back downstairs and began to knit instead of sleep. I googled and stitched, looking for answers yet feeling like I was now drowning in information. I felt like crying or freaking out, I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t want to wake my husband or call my mom, not at 1 am. It was then that I got my daily verse notification, like 3 hours off of when it is scheduled to come each day, and this is what it said:

Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22 ESV

I was shocked. I was angry at God and yet He was present and reminding me of His faithfulness. That is unlike how we treat each other as humans. It’s unnatural to us but not Him. I could feel His presence so strongly with me and the information I had googled began to sink into my brain instead of swirling around in anxious musings, and I realized my health issue was getting better there was a key part of the process I was misunderstanding but that what I was experiencing was getting back on track. I felt a peace that transcends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)

In that moment I understood that I needed to slow down and listen because the answers to my questions and worries were there but I had stopped up my ears in distractions and anger. I’m not good at waiting for directions. I tend to fuss. Reigning that behavior, I’m learning is more important than we know. The instant nature of modernity is clouding my attention to learn to be still. I’m not satisfied to exist in that state of mind.

Do you find it easy to be still and wait for further direction? How have you learned to temper that behavior in your own life?

November 9, 2023

Meditating on Scripture

For a week, I decided to do something a little different with my Bible reading. Instead of reading a chapter or two, from whatever book I happened to be studying at the time, I’ve been reading, slowly, methodically over the first 40 verses of Psalm 119. If you’re not familiar with this passage, Psalm 119 has a unique structure. It is 176 verses in length that are divided into 16 sections, each section is named for a letter in the Hebrew alphabet. It’s not a quick read! And usually, I don’t approach this reading with enough attention. My usual posture is to power through its length, but this time I wanted to get a bit more knowledge out of it. The idea was to push my mind to get acquainted with the text and the wisdom of the lines of the page.

Because to be honest, this chapter is dense with words, imagery, and lessons. The sentence structure of the ancient Hebrews is tricky, I read the words in the wrong order and sometimes miss the point of what I am reading. So either I can get discouraged by the intricacy of studying this section of the Bible or I change my approach. I chose to expand my idea of what my time studying the Bible looks like, as an experiment to see if meditating on the words, is as important as they say.

Restful Reading

After my interval training workouts, I like to cool down by laying on my yoga mat with my legs and feet up against a wall. The feeling of my back realigning while the lymphatic draining, makes me feel leaner, and the posture of lying on my back staring at the ceiling provides a moment of total relaxation after pushing my muscles. It is something I look forward to. Sometimes I push myself to workout, just to do this part. Usually during my legs against the wall session, I’ll watch a Youtube video or possibly a music video, something that will excite my mind with stunning visuals or thought-provoking content, usually about fashion history.

But what about those seasons of dryness? I’ve been in a three-week slump of a spiritual desert. I want to dig into the Word, stay focused on the Lord, and be prayerful throughout my day. I have not been. I’ve been leaning into distractions, into music, video games, etc. So I decided to challenge myself during a rest on my yoga mat, to leave my phone on my dresser, and pray. To be completely alone with God, and dwell in His presence instead of distractions. With a rapid-fire list of K-Pop songs swirling in my head, I asked God to help me focus on Him and Him alone. I wanted the ability to shut out all distractions.

My internal playlist went from 11 into a whisper, then silence. Like a volume dial turned by His hand.

The next day, I missed my workout but I was craving some downtime. After my shower, in the quiet of the evening light, I spread out my yoga mat on the wood floor and extended my hand out towards my bed, to my Bible. I asked the Lord to guide me, what should I be focusing on tonight? What would you like me to learn about you? I felt a pull towards the Psalms, instead of my current place in Isaiah. To Psalm 119. Not a psalm I gravitate towards, a marathon more than a read to me.

I was thinking about the way in which Biblical scholars read the Bible, and how the Israelite men used to study the scriptures in the temple schools. The slow recitation of the scriptures, a wandering path through the wisdom instead of a sprint, in order to store the word of God in their hearts and minds.

Scripture Stored in My Heart

Although I’ve been reading the Bible a lot more since 2020, I do not have the scriptures memorized. A few verses here and there from Sunday School and Christian education, but not a backlog of wisdom to pull from in moments when encouragement is needed. I’m disappointed in myself for how little attention I’ve had to studying and memorizing so that it is in my heart. So many other useless things I carry around in my mind like quotes that make me laugh or lyrics to entertain me but, none of these sustain me.

I felt quite convicted by this. I like to put 100% into what I do, for the glory of God. I’m a passionate person. Understanding that in reality, I am not as passionate about learning scripture as I would profess. Because if I was, I would be doing it. Seeing the reflection of who I really am and what my priorities look like, can only be from God, but also was a harsh reality of how much spiritual maturity is still out there waiting to be acquired. If I only give it my full attention. That’s the tough part. It requires discipline, focus, and drive. This world is waiting with bated breath to keep us as distracted and far from God as possible. We have to push back the distractions with our own free will to seek God and seek His will in our lives.

The Start of Something New

Fully convicted and invigorated for change, I opened my Bible to Psalm 119. I asked the Lord to help me only focus on Him and to learn what He would like to teach me through this time with Him. I began to read slowly, line by line. Slowly, line by line, reading, considering, pondering the meaning and significance of each line.

א Aleph
Blessed are those whose ways are blameless,
    who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are those who keep his statutes
    and seek him with all their heart—
they do no wrong
   but follow his ways.
You have laid down precepts
    that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast
    in obeying your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
    when I consider all your commands.
I will praise you with an upright heart
    as I learn your righteous laws.
I will obey your decrees;
    do not utterly forsake me.
Psalm 119:1-8 NIV

The lines hit me differently. In a fashion, I can only describe as meditating on the word with the Lord. Some words jumped off the page, and others carried more weight than they had before. It was a remarkable time of fellowship with God. I’ve now read this first section, at least six times over the course of a week. Each time slowly, with time to ponder how this wisdom applies to my life and the world I exist in. I plan to discuss more of what God has been teaching me as I read through Psalm 119. Thank you, dear reader, for spending time with me today. ❤

June 8, 2023