Month: November 2024

#66 – Pies, C-PTSD, and Learning How To Move Forward

It’s been a complicated week. I had plans to start blogging every day, to clean my house in one day not over several to prepare for hosting Thanksgiving. I also thought my pie crust would roll out with ease. Nothing went to plan.

It started with the couch breaking. One evening we noticed the leg fell off the mid-support but instead of buying a new one (Have you seen the price of couches lately? Yikes. Dubious quality to boot.) we opted to fix it. Improve it really. That was a bump in the road, the couch is stronger, and we have storage, but then we hit a pothole.

It’s like our rescue rabbit Mia unbonded to us. She became irritable and aggressive and would thrash around her room. She bites at us, growls at us, and won’t let us do normal things like sweep out her area. This whole situation is discouraging because how will we be able to properly care for her if she won’t let us? I never experienced this with my previous rabbit, Midnight, or with my family dog, Sully.

I was thrown into a murky mental pool. I have some deep memories from childhood of my dad that terrify me when loud outbursts happen. How could this happen? This rabbit I was so excited to adopt and give a loving home, was suddenly a source of triggering panic.

Cleaning ground to a halt. Kyle’s woodworking is uncertain. Walking through the office and living room tense, uncertain, scary, as the furball held us in her grip of territorial fury. She began to destroy the floor filling me with despair.

Every little part of preparing for the holiday felt treacherous as the C-PTSD clouded me from the reality of the tasks in front of me to the mountains of my mind. The craggy, inhospitable rock that has been too high to climb. I didn’t expect this random experience to cause such pain and confusion in my mind.

But the clock kept moving forward and things still needed to be done. This holiday we looked toward with joy could not become a thing we wanted to run from. It was our first holiday here.

Living as a human can be so tough. We are all broken and have hidden scars that can be reopened in the blink of an eye. What has been the most challenging part of this week has been where I find my pauses to take a breath. Finding opportunities in the chaos to recenter instead of giving up.

Making those pies was one of those moments of joy in the center of the storm. Cutting the Crisco into the flour is rhythmic. Feeling the sand become dough, stimming. Rolling out the crust and having it fall apart, is tragic! Finding the inspiration to make the difficult crust mold into the pie tin anyway, is a victory!

Seeing the smiles the pumpkin and apple pie brought to my family filled me with warmth. Yesterday, was a wonderful day. Yes because the food was delicious, but more so for the reminder that what makes the day special is being next to my loved ones and reflecting on the year and what blessings we received despite the chaos of life.

I hope you know that you are loved, dear reader and that you remember not to give up!

I Tried Watching Nana

Aside from Haikyuu and One Piece, Nana was the most recommended Anime I have watched. It was mainly recommended in fashion discourse in the TikTok fashion sphere and on YouTube for its spin on street style, punk, 90s fashion, and accessorizing with elaborate detail.

These fans praise creator Ai Yazawa’s Nana for its Vivienne Westwood references and innovative looks. As I expected, the fashion was inspiring. It captures the 90s and early 2000s Japanese fashion in a way that makes my heart warm because that’s how I first got into fashion—watching ANTM’s Cycle 3 and their finale trip to Tokyo. But there was one hiccup—I can’t get into the story.

Nana is a Work of Art

Now before Nana stans click out, I can explain why I am not a fan but can appreciate the artistic duality of the storytelling, while critiquing the worldview of the narrative.

I’ve previously mentioned that I’m not an anime fan, that I had watched Fruits Basket and some Trigun and it was enjoyable but did not grip me the same way a Kdrama can. Since then I have started watching Haikyuu and fell in love with the anime style and its storytelling in Haikyuu’s seasons. Going into Nana, I was excited to watch a new anime style. The artwork is different, older, and grittier like a film noir.

The storytelling was unique, and non-linear at the beginning, and featured two storylines of Nana O. and Nana K, a duality that Ai Yazawa put a lot of thought into. Her passion is clear from the art style, the complicated characters, and the darkness of human life that she explores. I appreciate the inner monologues of the characters, and the way that they feel real because they are flawed, and downright annoying sometimes, but I couldn’t find myself rooting for any character and walked away from the series after two attempts to watch through.

Struggles with the Story

Misogyny and the age of consent, are two things I was not expecting to be major storylines in this tale but there it was. It was hard to watch the disrespect and absolutely dangerous decision-making of Nana K in 2024 as an American with some of the headlines we have had of assault on college campuses and by powerful people in the culture. Me Too changed things and made this normality of the 1990s and 2000s a thing that was no longer going to be passively tolerated. For that, I am thankful to be living on this side of the 2010s and its cultural upheaval because when I encounter stories where the female characters are not being respected and accepting this toxic masculinity and normal, as the viewer it is outrageous.

My standard is now the ladies of Brooklyn Nine-Nine who demand respect and get it because the male characters on the squad are respectful. The characters of Gina Linetti, Rosa Diaz, and Amy Santiago have ambition, and desire love, but understand they are enough and don’t need guys to make them whole. I didn’t see that in my watch of the Nana show. They also support each other with maturity, and Nana K is simply not mature and despite Nana O’s heart, it can’t make up for the deficit, in my opinion. I know that their friendship is hailed for its feminism but I think the best friendships in storytelling have two mature people who have grown and developed into characters that have depth and true, selfless love for each other.

This show felt triggering for its realistic depiction of toxic relationships in both friendships and romantic relationships, which dug up memories from my teens and twenties of feeling lonely by the cloud of darkness bad relationships held me in. Like Skins UK, I could feel the pain, the emptiness, and the struggle in my veins by how emotionally charged the story is. But as Effie can send me into a depressed spiral, I felt the same from Nana. Art should make you feel, but not harm efforts to have good mental health, so as I made the decision to stop to protect my peace, I encourage you to have healthy boundaries with shows that can trigger you, dear reader. It doesn’t mean you are a wimp or that the show is bad, just that it isn’t a good fit for you because it is damaging your calm, to quote Jayne Cobb, from Firefly.

Girlhood, Dark Romance, and the Pick Me Girl

Something that may be holding me back from embracing Nana could be my culture and similar western media I have already grown up with which taught me the same lessons through their stories. As I mentioned before I see many parallels between Skins UK and Nana. They are both edgy, the characters are working through their own pain and finding their own solutions like by dulling the pain with alcohol or love. There is the female friendship in Nana like Meredith and Cristina in Grey’s Anatomy and the toxic relationships in Gossip Girl with the complicated friendship of Blair and Serena.

I found Grey’s Anatomy and Gossip Girl during the end of high school and watched both into college, a time that is full of turbulence. Something that Nana nailed, and I think if I had found Nana first it maybe the coming of age guidebook for me that Grey’s Anatomy and Gossip Girl were during those weird years. I think that both Gossip Girl and Grey’s Anatomy have more character arcs for their female protagonists than Nana, with Serena Van Der Woodsen being the only one I’d say didn’t grow much at all. Blair, Meredith, and Cristina all show tremendous growth by the end of their stories. (Yes, I know Grey’s Anatomy carries on but Sandra Oh left the show in 2014 and I personally stopped watching in 2019 so Grey’s has an end to me.)

Meredith Grey grows from a pick-me girl who lets her romantic relationships determine her fate with self-destructive bend to a healthy, open, confident woman who has family that support her emotionally and professionally at Seattle Grace. Cristina Yang realizes she needs people, that life is not about being an island. She balances her professional ambition with a new compassionate bedside manner and learns how to be vulnerable while being an incredibly strong person.

Blair Waldorf begins the show as a girl who is scheming, afraid to be herself, and afraid to fail and ends the show as a confident woman who knows what she wants and is willing to stand up for herself, support others, and create community in her world instead of tearing others down to make herself feel better. She may love Chuck Bass, but she is willing to walk away from him when he treats her as less than human. I wanted to see this from Nana, and I didn’t.

What I did see was a similar dark romance trope that permeates Twilight, toxic relationships that are abusive, not romantic, and not something women need to endure for love. A good cultural discussion that came out of the It Ends With Us press tour was producer, Justin Baldoni’s commitment to the message of abuse and making sure no interview was complete without raising awareness for an evil that persists in our world. It was in stark contrast to Blake Lively’s cheeky glamorization of this movie, refusing to go there and talk about the serious issues.

That’s what I wanted from Nana, there to be some force that would stop the mistreatment of these women and bring some hope to the story for these women to truly thrive.

Sewist Reacts: Plaid Trousers and Fast Fashion

Plaid. Tartan. The Ancient Celts. Punks. Lumberjacks. Kilts. Pumpkin Patch. A Christmas wrapping paper. A simple pattern of perpendicular stripes, woven together to create a fabric that has stood the test of time. Unsurprisingly, plaid comes around again in the trend cycle each fall and winter. It’s an iconic textile that makes various garments that connect us across cultures. I was delighted to see the plaid trousers as one of these tartan offerings this year. But there is one thing about this trend that I think we should talk about more. Pattern placement. Specifically pattern matching and how this changes depending on garment quality and silhouette. I believe there may be a wrong way to make a plaid trouser even though it should be straightforward. This classic has gone down a bad path this season.

But How Does it Look On a Human Body?

Something that has struck me this year about plaid trousers – how do these pants look worn on a human form, viewed from all angles? I’ve seen many ads from various retailers have been advertised to me, with increasing tempo as we inch closer to Black Friday, and there is one common thread about retail and the fashion industry in 2024. Low quality. Clothing across the board from fast fashion to luxury items are at the lowest quality they have been as brands look to cut costs every step of the way. The fabrics chosen are cheap and not cheerful, and the items themselves are being sewn under inhumane labor conditions in the global south and China. To learn more about this I’d check out the documentary The True Cost of Fashion and check out Fashion Roadman’s commentary also on YouTube. He has a book club discussing How Luxury Lost Its Luster by Dana Thomas.

My opinion is not hyperbole or subjective conjecture, of the three examples I took screenshots of two of the three brands that are known to work with factories in Bangladesh, where the Rana Plaza tragedy happened 9 years ago. Old Navy and American Eagle are these brands, fast fashion brands, that work with factories in Bangladesh, India, Vietnam, and Indonesia. Old Navy, part of the Gap brand that also produces Gap, Athleta, and Banana Republic, which is an odd name for a brand, works with factories in Bangladesh, Cambodia, Sri Lanka, China, El Salvador, Guatemala, China, Nicaragua, and the Philippines. It’s not great.

The third example is from Ralph Lauren, which I am under no guise that because it’s a designer brand the factories are more humane or that the fabric is always better because that’s not the case anymore. Look at Chanel and their gold-plated hardware, or Dior and Armani’s labor controversy in Italy. Ralph Lauren works with factories in China, Italy, the United States, Hong Kong, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Turkey, Mexico, Cambodia, Vietnam, and India.

They are a little better I’d say but just barely. Their attention to detail in the design of their clothing though, it’s night and day to Old Navy and American Eagle who have gone the way of H&M, Zara, and Shein.

American Eagle: Pattern Alignment and Patch Pockets

These are a pair of pants that I like in theory. I think a plaid trouser with a closer fitting hip that flares out gently at the bottom is a great idea and would be a versatile item. The plaid print is also matched up quite well in the front view. Something wild happens when you turn the garment around. Those pockets are a bad idea. That’s impossible to match and it detracts from the line of the pants. It emphasizes the way the plaid pattern has to bend with the line of the pants because they chose to change the orientation of the pattern on the butt of the pants only. I think it could be done better and this garment suffers from TikTok lens. It photographs okay and they would be cute from the front, which you can keep as the only view if they are being shown online, but once they enter the real world I don’t think they are going to look as cute. That’s a lot of attention being drawn to one area.

Old Navy: The Lines in the Seat Are Crazy, But Good Pockets

I do think this pattern looks like Audrey Hepburn time traveled through the 1970s punk scene and ended up with Christmas wrapping paper cigarette pants that are cut like leggings. These look really stretchy. Remember in the 2010s when we were wearing patterned leggings? These remind me of them. But they aren’t leggings, they are tailored pants with insert rear pockets and darts at the hip line. I think that is where the problem lies with this garment, the fabric and the fabric needed to make this silhouette.

The product description states the fabric is 55% cotton, 40% viscose-rayon, and 5% spandex. This is not a structured bottomweight fabric. This is a stretchy fabric that is going to have softness and contour your body which is fine in a solid but in a pattern that leads to complications with the pattern. I think the pattern looks odd on the back, particularly along the seat of the pants and the front seam. I think these high-contrast patterns are not a good choice for this application and another type of plaid is better for pants where the distortion of the lines and the seams themselves will not be spotlighted. It’s not where you want the focus of your outfit to be, at the seat line of the garment, that’s uncomfortable. They offered a black watch tartan with lower contrast which was a much better option.

Ralph Lauren: Fabric Choice and Silhouette, but it’s Pricey

These trousers are comparable to both the Old Navy and American Eagle options for style and silhouette. They have the slight flare of the American Eagle pants and the slim trouser style with insert rear pockets of the Old Navy option. What is different, and in my opinion is a better design choice for these Ralph Lauren pants is the lower contrast plaid style of the fabric and the weight of the fabric which adds structure, eliminating the need for stretch to create the shape. These pants are cut in a way that emphasizes the shape of the wearer in strategic places while also draping away from the body. The pattern cutting of this garment is doing the heavy lifting, not your physique being asked to have the ideal shape to give the pants life.

The plaid is a lower contrast allowing for those tricky seams to fade into the background instead of drawing attention to the problems. On the back seam, the designer chose to use sections of the plaid that were darker, cutting off the pink vertical stripe on both sides before the seam so that the pink appears to flank the seat and therefore draws attention away from the pattern matching of this seam. In the front they follow a similar format, seamlessly integrating the fly into the pattern. The side pockets are tapered again so that the pink vertical begins lower at the hip, drawing the eye to the hip and the waist in a way that enhances the form of the trousers. Again this does not rely on stretch to accomplish this. It takes longer to do, and because of this it has been relegated as a “luxury” feature when actually if you take a bit longer to design to initial pattern after that process it will be easy to grade and use over and over. It’s not a luxury, it’s thoughtful and what design is about.

You can see this attention to detail repeated again in these plaid wool trousers. The back seam was mitigated again by thoughtful lines and fabric structure. Because the wool is a heavier fabric and has structure, it can float across the body instead of stretching across it so the diagonal lines of the plaid do not detract from the design of the garment. It also keeps the vertical line of the trousers even though the lines change direction and the pattern is altered here from the standard perpendicular plaid fashion. This shouldn’t be considered a luxury feature either. Wool is a sustainable textile that is durable and creates much less water pollution than stretch fabrics that shed microplastics or denim which requires a vast amount of water to dye.

This last example is not plaid but striped, yet the lines of the garment I think still apply. This is another smart design that works with the pattern to create a garment that looks good from all angles. Part of that comes from the wider leg silhouette and the fact that the pant celebrates drape. If this was made from a stretch fabric and was a skinny leg design, a legging basically disguised as a pant, this would be an awkward-looking garment. But affordable should not mean crap design and as consumers we are letting companies determine this as a fact.

Let’s be more discerning in our consumption and look for good design, learn to sew, or support sewing people who can make a good trouser. These Ralph Lauren pants are almost 300 USD and they are not worth that price tag. The Old Navy and American Eagle pants are 50 USD and they aren’t worth that price either. Which leaves the customer with no good option while the brands cash in. We need better clothes made in ethical labor conditions and clothes with good designs that are made to last so that we don’t need to consume so much.

Knit Star Keychain Pattern

Back in the spring, I had this grand idea that I would learn how to crochet. I had a friend who crocheted next door, I had recently found TL Yarn Crafts on YouTube. Toni made it look so fun. I was enamored by what I saw others creating with crochet hooks. Crochet rose in mainstream popularity again through 2020 and beyond in 2024.

My Impression of Crochet

The internet is chock full of crochet plushies, dresses, sweaters, bags – you name it you can crochet it. I didn’t see this kind of creativity from my corner of the knitting internet. I had this impression that knitters were serious and crocheters were mavericks. So the hook was calling to me.

I bought a crochet hook and spent a few weeks watching videos, perusing a book my neighbor lent me, and getting the hook into some loops. It’s a weird transition from knitting. I apparatus from two is a change. There is a posture, one hand, and yarn holding. There is a new way to keep yarn tension, and there are a lot of new stitches. There was more emphasis on turning your work than the orientation of the wrong side and right side. Single crochet and double crochet were not a one-for-one of knit and purl. That surprised me.

Granny squares were a bit more involved than I expected. It’s an art form that deserves respect. I definitely respect it. It kept me back, I had the tightest tension and felt like I had never done yarn crafting before. I was shocked, shouldn’t this be a piece of cake? I’ve been knitting off and on since 2012. Yeah, it’s not that simple.

Fluff Around and Find Out

To be honest, the way that I learn best is to just go for it, and doing these basic crochet stitches on a project that was a rectangle, all while it looked like a tattered mess was discouraging. I wanted to make one of the little plushies or shapes that seemed to be a sculpture that only crochet could create. But I was seriously not getting it. So I paused and thought about it. Is there any way to apply this creative point of you, the sculpting of yarn that only crochet can, but try it with knitting needles?

This might seem weird to consider if you don’t knit or crochet but the processes seem vastly different to me. There’s a strategy to knitting. You have to do things in stages, like knitting a section and transferring stitches to a stitch minder or picking up stitches that were bound off or are just part of a knit edge. While crocheting builds on itself and is an amorphous thing that is truly sculpting and adding as you go.

So I decided, what if I made something with the sculpting element of crochet but with knitting steps. I decided on a star as you can see above that was crafted out of multiple knit sections that were stitched together. This pattern has a lot of little steps but I think it was effective.

Star Knitting Pattern

Star Point Diamond – Row 1: Cast on, Knit 1, Row 2: Purl 1, Add Stitch, Row 3: Knit 2, Add Stitch, Row 4: Purl 3, Add Stitch, Row 5: Knit 4, Add Stitch, Row 6: Purl 5, Row 7: Knit 4, Decrease 1, Row 8: Purl 3, Decrease 1, Row 9: Knit 2, Decrease 1, Row 10: Purl 1, Decrease 1, Row 11: Knit 1 and Bind Off.

Repeat four times until five are made. Then using a tapestry needle, join the five points together at the center so that you have the base for a star, then join the sides of the diamonds together so that you have a flat star. Repeat the whole process one more time so that you have two flat stars and then sew them together with the tapestry needle.

So now that you have a star what can you do with it? I had planned originally to make a star garland for Christmas, but then the Fire Nation attacked and I had to move.

So we pivot to the bag decoration trend of 2024. This is a combination I’d say of Kpop, Xiaohongshu style trends, and the Japanese Ita bag becoming popular in the West. If you would like to learn more about Ita bags, I would highly recommend Addy’s video on YouTube. And these little stars in the original green and its pink starfish cousin have made excellent DIY plushie keychains.

Finished Product Used as a Keychain

Final Thoughts

I think creativity is about experimentation and learning as you go. I think sometimes it is important to do it the normal way and other times it is more satisfying to try a new method, a new medium, and make something you may not have thought you could. I still have incredible respect for crochet and I also think knitting has more potential than I thought. I have also learned that if a key chain or other small trinkets are not specifically branded I should try making them before I buy. It’s a great way to use up materials in my stash, level up my skills, and keep my consumption down and my wallet happier.

The Scarcity Mindset of Red vs Blue

It’s been a wild ride here in the United States, as everyone around the world has probably followed. As a U.S. resident the opinions, the reactions, and the culture have been like nothing I have seen before. Truly surprising. What has surprised me the most has been the personal ethics and scarecity mindsets I have observed, from my fellow Americans sharing on social media.

The Roar of Social Media

For a land of opportunity and abundance, there are certainly a lot of conflicting opinions on that statement. Some people are quite in touch with the struggles of inflation and the economy and others are participating in conspicuous consumption. Some are lamenting in blue and some are gloating in red, others are calling for retrospection and unity, but one thing has been the common thread – it’s a bigger knot of problems than I ever expected, and untangling this is going to take more time than I think most people are willing to give it.

There is impatience and aggression. A celebration of nastiness on every level that I am shocked by. How long has this nasty edge been living under the surface waiting for us to notice its venom? How does the simple act of Patrick Ta’s eyeshadow being priced at $42 become a hotbed of elitism and premeditated nastiness towards complete strangers on the internet? It’s bizarre and I can only guess it has nothing to do with eyeshadow and more with a deep level of dissatisfaction in our current world.

Loss of Gentleness

I saw increasing pressure from political ads this year to be afraid of what lurks in the blue and the red. The election is over yet I am still getting ads targeting this fear and exploiting our peace for the sake of agenda. It is maddening and disheartening to me that we are allowing our peace to be stolen. Especially the peace of those most vulnerable in society.

I’m observing responses from people I follow who are letting their fear isolate them. I saw a call to clear out friends lists “to control what you can” like burning bridges is healthy advice for all situations. It can be, but it can also lead to a lot of pain and loneliness. Acting on emotions is a shifting sand. When your emotions change how can your choices be healthy and stable in the long run? There is more chance of self-sabotage than true desire.

I have been a bridge burner and when I look back at what fueled my decisions, it was not a healthy mindset. It was one deep in crisis allowing the self-destructive nature to keep me from moving forward. I’m also not writing this to judge anyone. I’m writing this from a place of concern to keep others from making the same mistakes as me. Mistakes that I wish I could take back.

One thing I have taken from these last few weeks is the importance of gentleness and patience. We are fully capable of living in a community with others who disagree with us if we choose to be gracious to one another and respect healthy boundaries. Not playing on each others’ fear or looking for fights. That’s just plain mean and not how you maintain relationships. That has been the number one thing I have noticed through this 2024 election cycle, is the lack of focus on America being one community and learning how to work with each other in our differences.

Truth and Realignment

I’m not saying my culture needs to let bullies keep bullying or evil take root for the sake of peace. I think we need to kick bad out and leave room for the good and the truth to flourish. What I am saying is that I think we need to pause, take a breath, and be willing to try reconciling. If it’s bad and causes more pain, okay, then we stop and reevaluate, but I don’t think it would be.

I think my fellow citizens are weary and lonely. We need each other to embrace our differences to see that we have more common ground than we have let agendas tell us we do.

Thinking purple instead of red and blue would be a good start. Abandoning the scarcity mindset would also be a healthy move toward letting go of fear. Especially as believers, there is nothing to fear if we fully surrender to God.

This has just been on my heart lately, dear reader, and I hope I haven’t offended you. I’ve been feeling creatively off from the sheer amount of negativity being spread. It is draining as an HSP neurodivergent introvert who seeks to spread kindness and love yet can’t fix the pain of people in my community. I wish I could and maybe this post is at least a safe space to ponder and start new conversations? I’m trying to focus on the positive.

We will also be back to our regularly scheduled programming of sewing, knitting, art, Bible Study, and K-pop content soon. This just felt too important to ignore.

Thank you for taking time with me today. I hope you know that you are loved and worthy. Until next time 🫶

Socks, A Journey

Today I completed the most stressful cast on of my knitting life, casting on a sock. This was with three strands of lace weight yarn and four double pointed needles, size US 1. Why double pointed needles? Why not! It got me out of my comfort zone and pushed me to be a focused, careful knitter with dexterity and cultivated patience for myself, the materials, and the technique.

Once the first round was joined, I felt the tension coursing through my body settle, like a war had been won in needles and yarn.

How will my first sock turn out? Who knows, but I’m optimistic. I have a sock knitting book, a step-by-step pattern, and properly gauged materials. I’d like to have cute socks to wear, the ruffly kind so here goes nothing! 😃

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