A year ago, I started drawing geese. The Canada goose specifically. They’re a special bird to me.
I see them everywhere – on our walks on Bailey Trail, at the pond in town, flying over our house, on the side of the road, flying over the parking lot in Erie, and hanging out in the Lemur pond at Keystone Safari. They are my comfort animal, a reminder for me that I’m not alone.
God’s used them as a reminder of His promises in my life.
This is a sketch I did to practice the posture of the goose on land. Their necks, their postures, and the way their wings look have a completely different view from land to sky to water.
I usually rush through my drawings, but today I studied the example photo before I jumped in. I also used a technique I learned as a kid to use circles to mark the lines of the body.
As I mentioned in The Rewards and Scars of Setting Healthy Boundaries, I am on a journey to let go of the cortisol and tension I have unknowingly stored in my body. I didn’t realize I was doing this, possibly for decades now, because I don’t feel my feelings I bury them, which I’m working on. The only time I think I wasn’t doing this was during my sophomore and junior years in college when I was doing yoga practice, deep breathing, and trying to get to know myself. Which sounds odd, but was a great way to get through a broken heart.
Emotional Unintelligence
The hows and whys of the broken heart are a bit complicated but I was muddling through the after-effects of a situation ship. Why a situation ship? Well, I believe I was doing anything and everything to feel something, because I buried the heartbreak I felt at the end of high school, realizing my dad had missed my entire childhood and turning 18 meant that child support, the only string connecting us was severed. I didn’t know where he was and if I would see him again. It turns out I did see him again and would be moving to the same town as him five years later, another story for another day. Life is wild.
Anyways, coming out of high school the weight of that broken heart was so much I didn’t know what to do with it. There was so much emotion, so much tension and confusion, in my mind and body that I didn’t understand so my brain freaked out and gave me my first taste of anxiety, depression, and panic. It was a lot. During this time I also lost my ability to cry. I went totally numb which was unnerving, but at the time I was happy at least I wasn’t overwhelmed by my emotions anymore. The downside was that I felt nothing.
I’m Chuck Bass
I didn’t like that. I’m a highly sensitive person, an artistic soul, and feeling is how I understand the world around me. I wanted to feel like myself again. Here’s where the mess began – I decided to go into dating in college in this incredibly unhealthy mindset. These casual relationships were doomed from the start. It couldn’t grow into something real because I wasn’t emotionally available. Which opened the door for the worst relationship type in my opinion the situationship. It was the exact opposite of what my personality needs or wants but hey, I couldn’t feel anything so how hurt could I get?
Blown Up Life
Yeah, this blew up in my face. Once I came out of this situationship and this time of emotional numbness, I realized that I had completely blown up my life. Close relationships that I had from high school were not there. I had not invested in good friendships and community in my college life either by not seeking it out or ditching out on friends who could have been healthy supportive people, because I was scared of these friendships. It was a mess. I was so lonely. I had to get to know myself because there was no one else. I also didn’t know myself anymore. Who was this numb person I had been? Who is this new person who feels, but also feels lost and lonely?
There was so much I needed to understand about myself before I could be a good friend again or try dating once more. I didn’t know where I was going, or who I wanted to be as an adult. There was so much change in a short time. It was time to pause, slow down, and spend time doing the work to find this new person within the closed-off shell.
Meeting A Healthier Me
During this time I became independent for the time. I started going to the coffee shop by myself and learned to be okay on my own, which was wild. This is a skill I’ve forgotten how to do. I let myself be alone with my thoughts, it was a rough road to get there. This time alone started with a season of insomnia, where there was no choice but to be by myself, and now I realize spent time alone with God even though I wasn’t focused on this at the time. I discovered new shows like Fruits Basket, Trigun, Firefly, and Vikings. I also began thinking seriously about what I wanted in life with this new scenario. I didn’t end up going to fashion school or doing the Fashion Business major I was supposed to create with my advisor. I found myself drawn to fashion history through the creative sandbox of one cool professor who gave us the freedom to explore our interests.
I also started doing yoga and learning to train my mind and my breathing to keep going when my body and mind were tangled up in knots from the stress and trauma of life. It was the first time I think I was doing exercise for exercise itself not for a job like paint crew or campus mail delivery for the mailroom, which were both pretty physical. My campus was old and full of hills and stairs, so many stairs.
2020s Version of Numb
As life goes on, things repeat. Life changed again and I got busy. I stopped practicing these healthy habits into post-grad and getting married which was dumb on my part. I got healthier but I don’t think I got wiser. So I find myself now relearning how to find healthy balance and healthy habits to rid myself of the tension and wild mind that has trapped me in a prison of my own making.
How do I find my way out? My plan is to reflect and discuss that process here as I go through this journey of self-discovery again because I think this is something we all face and I wish I had known more about emotional health when I was younger. There are a lot of things that kept that from being something I understood. We don’t always have the most emotionally mature parents and I think it’s hard to talk about. I hope you’ll join me on this little adventure.
It’s that time of year when I am ready to wear long sleeves but the weather isn’t so convinced. This blouse is a project I made at the end of March 2024-early April 2024, that I completed and put into my closet to wear later. I was excited as soon as it began to cool off for the chance to style this piece! All summer long I’ve worn its sister piece, my denim houndstooth skirt that can also be worn as a dress that was absolutely lovely material to wear. It’s so breathable and has a bit more visual interest than the usual chambray, something I look for. This fabric is from Mood Fabrics, it looks like they no longer carry it which is a shame because I have two pieces from this cut of fabric, and I want to make more.
This piece is special to me because I did something a little different with the collar, I stitched in white the lines of a blazer lapel and lines of a jacket crossing over, for a bit of a formal feel. I originally wanted to make this fabric into a jacket but ran out of material, and I think it worked out for the best. I want to play with this stitching a bit more. It resembles a tailor’s chalk marking to me and I like that.
As the fall progresses and the temperatures continue to drop I’m looking forward to styling this piece with pants, vests, dresses, skirts, boots, scarves, etc. Styling this piece with new color combos excites me. I’ve only paired it with this brown and blue combo so far, which sparks my interest the most. I’d like to try this stitching application on trousers and dresses too with a solid fabric or maybe another pattern.
Do you like contrast stitching? Do you like clothing with a bit of whimsy like this faux blazer collar? Are you a fan of patterns? I like how different we all are and how tastes and preferences make this fashion thing, full of endless creativity. Thank you, dear reader, for stopping by. I hope we meet again soon. ❤
How are you doing? I know you guys are doing well. You’re together, and you’re not in pain anymore. You guys are not separate and are feeling the healing of that yourself.
It’s been a journey here without you guys. It got a bit scary for a while. Things got weird and frightening, but after four years, things are feeling familiar and more like usual. I didn’t think it could be possible, but I guess deep down I knew it could be, because you both found a new normal after losing your parents. I guess I felt guilty and strange letting my life go on without you for myself. It wasn’t what I wanted and I resisted healing for a season because I was in denial.
I found this composer, a fellow I think you with the proper introduction to his music, would be a person you guys would enjoy. He has the emotion and the beautiful storytelling in his music that I remember you both liking. His name is Joe Hisaishi. He composed the music for several films from a company called Studio Ghibli which I think you would prefer to Disney in this current moment. It took me a while to appreciate Hayao Miyazaki’s storytelling because it was so different from what the Disney formula is. The cultural parts, I think took the longest.
I know Japan was a bit of a mystery to you guys just based on your generation. You grew up with a different version – the Imperial Japan bombing of Pearl Harbor and the War in the Pacific were your first introduction as kids, growing up during WWII. It was a cultural relationship that did not have a chance to bloom.
My generation had a different introduction to their culture – sushi, ramen, Hello Kitty, anime, Studio Ghibli, Ninja Warrior, Harajuku fashion, and Nintendo. It was a different side of Japan. In college a professor you would know, Doyle, hosted a class about East Asian Film and Literature. It was quite the overview for one semester mind you, but in that short time he showed us some pieces of storytelling I still remember like Hero, Red Wall, and Princess Mononoke.
The last one, Princess Mononoke was a Ghibli film, my first one. The illustrations were incredible and the message felt so familar because of the region we all lived in – the rust belt. But what captured my admiration the most was the music. It was stirring, haunting, sad and hopeful, a courageous melody that swept over me in its beauty.
A few years later, Kyle and I watched My Neighbor Totoro which is such a heartwarming tale. This one set me on a new goal – I need to see Japan before I die so I can see those rural vistas captured in the illustrations of Totoro. I started learning Japanese since you’ve gone, which is a story for another time, but this probably sparked that journey.
This image from Totoro makes me think of the times we would go puddle jumping together, Papa, when I was a little kid. You made life so magical, both of you.
Anyways, there’s a song in particular, Grandma, that I think you would love. Actually I think you would love to play. The one recording of it on the album I was listening to has a piano solo by Hisaishi that has the same fervor and candence of the style you played in. I can close my eyes and pretend we’re in your piano room, you’re talking away as your playing it, and the room is filled the sound of the keys. This song is called the Merry-Go-Round of Life from the film Howl’s Moving Castle. (One I still need to watch.)
I wish I could play it for you. I wish I could play all of his songs for you. I wish we could listen to them on the boom box in the kitchen as Papa and I sat on the stools along the counter and tried to coax you, Grandma to just settle in and listen instead of tidying or cooking, or wandering around the way you used to.
I miss you. But I’m trying to not dwell on what I cannot change.
Fall knitting is here! I’ve been working on this cardigan, off and on, amid a myriad of projects since July. As the days have passed, and a slightly cooler air awakens, I am thrilled to say this piece is ready to wear! I used to struggle to finish sweater projects and I would wander along with my yarn, for three or four months, dilly-dallying on a section because I was bored. This led to a lot of plans and not a lot of garments. This is in the past though. 2024 has been the year of sweaters for me, this being my seventh finished sweater this year! And its only September so I’m excited to see what else I can do in the last quarter of the year.
Do you remember what episode of Gilmore Girls this audio clip is from?
This Comfy Cotton Blend yarn from Lion Brand is a 1 to 1 ratio of polyester and cotton and the tag labels this color blend as chai latte. As I knit it, I saw it more as a banana split blizzard color and now in the spooky cloudy light of fall, I see it as candle light with highlights and shadows. Hence the name, the Candle Light Cardigan. I opted for now to keep this as an open cardigan without a button placket. Not out of laziness, but out of my intention to wear it. This was a cardigan I made specifically for the changing seasons, as a piece I could layer over my summer dresses and tops to get a little more wear out of them on these days when it is both cool and warm as the day progresses. I have two more yarn cakes of this color way which I can use to add a button placket at a later time if I change my mind.
I received this yarn as a gift from my mom as she was de-stashing it. It has been a lovely weight to knit and I like how soft it is. My only notes for Lion Brand would be to work on the splitting. This yarn split often as I was knitting which caught on my needles and led to messy stitches. Either because my needle held on to the stitch below or the yarn split and left some of the stitch behind. It was frustrating at times but not impossible to work with. The fabric it made has a good breathability and warmth to it which I was looking for in a changing seasons layering piece. This is a self drafted pattern that I knit on US 7 straight needles.
Happy Fall everyone one! (And Happy Spring to the southern hemisphere!)
The start of September feels like the start of the Gilmore Girls season. Probably because it used to start airing around this time of the year, but also the show follows a seasonal structure. Usually beginning before or during the school year as Rory embarks on her next academic chapter. A key aspect of Lorelai and Rory’s life is the Friday Night Dinners at Richard and Emily’s house, every week. Emily and Richard, being rather formal people, expect a dress code for their family dinners being formal. It reminds me a bit of dressing up for church as a kid.
There is also a silhouette to the outfits each of the Gilmore Girls wear. They wear a lot of dresses with small cardigans over top, but they also pair fitted blouses with a knee length skirt, usually flared for Rory or a pencil skirt for Lorelai. Rory dresses with a more demure style, that reflects her academic personality where as Lorelai is a bit bold with her patterns, textiles, and colors. It matches her personality of being independent and need to separate her life from her parents’ world.
I thought this combination married both the silhouette of Rory’s style with the bold and playful textiles of Lorelai’s personal style. The blazer is not a Potato Technology piece, I ordered it from YesStyle, but the bustier top and skirt are my own designs. The Floral Print Grafitti Bustier Tank, I designed in 2023 from 1/2 a yard of fabric. This piece was draped and cut on the form. I wish I had known about making craft paper patterns at the time because it’s going to be a challenge to reproduce. The Expressions and Lines Skirt is a new design from this summer. It is a satin graphic print that for the first time, I was able to cut out the pattern directionally without any mishaps! I’m so pleased. 😀
I think the combination of pieces look a bit 2000s, mid 2000s for sure, and capture the essence of the time period. The blend of Lorelai and Rory’s style is a reflection of how I consume the show now. Which character I relate to is a blend as I get closer to Lorelai’s age when the show begins instead of Rory’s age, which is so weird to realize. I’ve truly grown up with this story, being just 12 when I first watched it. Lorelai’s story finds me more each time I watch it.
A duck who is a little odd but can’t help but bring a smile to her friends. She is autumn because autumn is a state of mind. At least that’s what her mantra is! So she will toss those leaves proudly like confetti and don her jack-o-lantern gourd as her crown. How did a duck get a pumpkin carved? It was courtesy of her squirrel friend, who carved it himself with his tiny paws. With friendship and joy, she is basking in the red and orange glow of fallen leaves. The splendor from the trees!
This is a weird knitting project for me because I usually can’t follow a pattern, at least it has been a few years since I tried to make anything with a pattern, and that was Butterick Retro ’44 #6374 and Butterick Retro ’44 #6485. They didn’t go super well.
This is the only picture I saved from #6485 because it was so bad. It felt like a weird Star Wars dress. But I digress, with knitting, I would like to rectify my aversion to patterns to learn new skills and appreciate the creativity, celebrate even, the creativity and talent of my fellow knitwear designers. So I was inspired by Making Cassie’s Stripe Hype Sweater knitting project and through my move, I decided to use up leftover yarn in my stash to make a sweater someone else designed. It was one of the most rewarding knits I’ve made all year!
Who Designed the Stripe Hype Sweater?
The original Stripe Hype sweater and sweater pattern was designed by Veronika Lindberg and the pattern was published on Ravelry in 2023. Now I didn’t realize there was an actual Ravelry pattern, I just gave it a go off of other people’s versions of the Stripe Hype Sweater on Instagram and YouTube, like playing a song by ear. Whoops! Sorry, Veronika! But here is the link to her pattern.
My Take on the Stripe Hype Sweater
This is one of my favorite sweaters I’ve made because it challenged me to do things I wouldn’t gravitate towards like using white on a sweater. After all, I’m pale and I’m clumsy so stains. But dang it’s a fun background for the colors of this sweater. It taught me how to balance color, to mix colors with more abandon, and to bring balance and order to my pieces. This is also a make that grew my skills as it was the first project where I tried casting back onto sections – such as the ribbed collar and the sleeves.
It was a rewarding experience and reminded me that even though I like designing my own pieces there is always something new I can learn from using a pattern and although I can find it tedious, it puts limits on my creative energy to channel it into a direction I may not have gone if not for the guidance of the pattern. Always have a teachable spirit, my grandma would say, and yeah she’s definitely right about it when it comes to knitting!
Have you heard of the Stripe Hype Sweater? Would you wear or make something like this design? What colors would you choose? Until next time, thanks for being here, dear reader. I hope you have a lovely day!
We did something incredibly comforting this past weekend that gave us both a small delight. We went apple picking at our favorite orchard – Heagy’s Orchard in Northwestern Pennsylvania. It was the first time going back in four years and everything felt shinier, and happier, like the slump of the 2020s had shed and the area we used to haunt had come back to life, and so did I.
The interesting thing is I think now we instinctively felt like it was apple season at Heagy’s Orchard because these photos were taken on the same weekend, years apart, picking the same varieties of apples. None of it was planned. The pictures of my husband in the yellow plaid are from our first fall in Meadville in 2019, taken on Sept 5. The ones of me in a flannel and him in a hoodie are from Sept 7, 2020. And the first grouping, above, is from this past weekend, Sept 7, 2024.
How weird is that? I didn’t know we had a family tradition, him and I, but apparently we do and it was special to go back after such a long hiatus. Leaving Meadville-Erie area, a place that became home to us both after feeling like nowhere was home no matter how far we moved or how hard we tried in familiar places, was such a relief. Having to leave our home under the unfortunate circumstances of a dangerous living situation sucked.
It was frustrating that it was because drug dealers moved into the bottom unit of the house we were renting, with a considerable amount of domestic violence going on with them too, and the police doing little to nothing about it, which was despicable! There was so much pain and suffering in that situation. It only got worse when it became a squatting situation, the air was tense, and there was a gun. Not something you want to mess with. But not being able to fix the situation was a heartbreak that I shoved down in a box, to be left until I was ready.
Our new neighborhood in our new town where we lived from 2021 to the beginning of 2024, was like a high-strung Bailey Downs from Orphan Black, it never felt like home and so I had to keep that box shut and therefore couldn’t go to Erie or Meadville without feeling this rogue frustration, that until I returned there this past weekend, I couldn’t figure out why I was so frustrated and scared of the big emotion, But now I understand, it was a lack of acceptance compounded with the confusion of the dumpster fire that was 2020.
It was a lot of change in quick succession and my neurodivergent brain didn’t know what to do with in the moment, so I shut down. I was afraid I made a mistake leaving although I felt isolated and lonely after 2020, moving closer to family felt like oxygen. I’m glad in buying a house we are still able to go back up to the Meadville and Erie areas, because I realized I’m not done with that area, I just needed to be done with that living situation, and in turn, I really needed to get out of that suburban hell I fled to afterward to go back and see the place that made me feel home again.
The nature is just too pretty to be away from it for too long. There are these incredible ridges that stretch out in every direction. Fields, forests, creeks, ponds, marshes, and the closer you get to the lake it gets flatter until the big blue horizon meets you. It’s incredible. Is there a place or a tradition that helped you feel at home again after going through a tough time?
One Rabbit Riot 