Month: August 2024

Blacksmithing – Micah 4:3

At the beginning of this blog I was reading through sections of the Bible that I did not know as well as passages that are taught quite frequently and I was letting God lead me in the process. This was my goal in 2023, and in 2024 I’m still doing that albeit a bit more chaotically than last year. I blame the move, but honestly, my focus has been all over the place except on my devotions since we moved which I am not proud of. Because of this I have been hopping around the Bible I was in Proverbs and then I was in Mark and now I’m sporadically reading through the minor prophets. I read through Jonah and now I’m back in Micah.

There was something that stuck out to me again as I read Micah chapter four yesterday but for a different reason than my reading in 2023. In 2023, verse three stood out to me because of the promise of peace, this time it was the historical process that caused me to stop and ponder.

He shall judge between many peoples,
    and shall decide disputes for strong nations far away;
and they shall beat their swords into plowshares,
    and their spears into pruning hooks;
nation shall not lift up sword against nation,
    neither shall they learn war anymore;

Micah 4:3 ESV

I was watching an I Like to Make Stuff video recently where Bob constructed a forge, followed by another video where he forges his own machete from a piece of steel. The process was fascinating! It is such a different medium from the fiber crafts I do because the material requires more persuading than scissors, stitches, or thread to be transformed. It requires heat to allow the material to be pliable, but you can’t form it unless you have a hammer to beat the metal into the form you desire. It can take many attempts of heating and hammering to get a crude shape. This doesn’t take into account the angle grinder or sanding to adjust the shape, plus the tempering of the metal through heating and dipping the blade to make it stronger. It’s a complicated process to make something.

This verse about ‘beating swords into plowshares’ and ‘spears into pruning hooks’ well depending on how expertly these weapons were made this is a lot of craftsmanship to be destroyed, and not reformed in one beat of the hammer. This would be a process. These would be precious resources that would need to be heated in the forge, hammered into shape, and reinforced with tempering. It would be a full transformation and would require work and commitment, so full submission to God’s will and full trust that you’re not going to need that carefully crafted weaponry or I think you would hold on to it. Because there was no Amazon 2-day to get more materials or a replacement sword or spear if you changed your mind. This was it.

Because we’ve lost this technology in our modern culture to other means, this picture of blacksmithing seems like an insignificant detail but I think it has a lot of weight to the meaning of the larger message in Micah 4 and the book in general. This was a full 180-degree shift from war to planting, something you only do if you have hope for the future and stability because you have to be there to tend to the crops and harvest at a later time. You are committed to the process.

I think it is also important that the weapons are not just laid down and cast away, instead, they are reshaped and forged by fire to reveal their new life as necessary tools in the kingdom. They had a past of different goals, but are shaped by a refining fire to become a new thing and serve a new purpose. For being an Old Testament book this surely has New Testament significance, as this is what being a new creation in Christ through repentance and salvation looks like. You are not cast away for a new thing, you are transformed for a new form and a new function.

Like a blacksmith with a forge and a hammer, the Christian life transforms us from one thing to another for a new purpose. Even if our former life was filled with contradictions to the one we are living now, that forge of refining fire changes everything.

Blueberry Speckle Sweater

In my post about summer knitting plans, I featured a lovely blueberry speckle cotton yarn. I expressed interest in making this yarn into a t-shirt. Initially, my goal was to knit a long-sleeved tee but as time went on and I started getting into knitting podcasts, I realized that knit t-shirts are truly adorable – and versatile! I pivoted and I am absolutely thrilled with the result!

This was my first time making knitwear for the summer and it unlocked a whole new world of design possibilities. For this project, I self-drafted my pattern, which consisted of four pieces. Two body pieces with a shaped neckline and two sleeves that were all sewn together afterward. I used size 6 US needles and used 7ish out of 10 skeins of 108 yards. A grand total of 756ish yards were needed to complete this project.

My Late Summer 2024 Soundtrack

The Godfather Theme – Armstrong’s Customer Service Waiting Music

Rhythm of the wind – ceiling fans

Iced Coffee – Red Velvet

Calling to one another – Nubian Goats

Small rumbles – the espresso maker

Jjam – Stray Kids

A metallic clink – my rings

wooshing – the air conditioner

Cosmic – Red Velvet

howling – three small dogs

fireworks – my neighbor

Imagination – Spyair

soft crackles – wood wick candle

Rob Dyrdek, Steelo, and Chanel banter – Ridiculousness

Chill K*ll – Red Velvet

NE Knits Podcast

Duke’s singing – a baby camel

Slash – Stray Kids for Deadpool and Wolverine

Greenback Boogie – Suits Theme Song

The Feels – Twice

Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez talking – Only Murders in Building

Fizzing – Mt. Dew from the fountain

Sunflower – Red Velvet

From the Start – Laufey

Two for Tea – Armstrong’s Customer Service Waiting Music

Sounds of Baseball – MLB Network

Cannons – Civil War Re-enactors in town

My Pace – Stray Kids

Slam – my old cantankerous mailbox

Bluetooth pairing sounds – my wireless headphones

Twilight – Stray Kids

Knocking sound – Kyle emptying used espresso grounds from the thingy (a technical term)

VMA commerical featuring the song Hot to Go

Olympic coverage – Paris 2024

Kindness in a Heatwave: Light of Life

Today we’re having one of those, I hope, last big temperature swings up into the 90 degrees Fahrenheit for the season. I’ve always struggled in the heat, I get heat-sick pretty easily and feel like I’m in a fog. This is why living in coastal Georgia was never going to work no matter how cool the people were or how beautiful the scenery. But it wasn’t until this summer that I considered what would I do without access to a shower, or a steady supply of clean water to drink?

Light of Life Rescue Mission has opened my eyes to this. This summer the mission, through the leadership of Rev. Jerrel T. Gilliam, has been working to draw attention to the homeless community in Pittsburgh and what they are experiencing in the waves of heat without having the amenities and resources many of us, me included take for granted.

Hope and Love Transform Communities

This mission is based in Pittsburgh, PA. I first learned of the mission through my teachers at school who would lead drives to collect hygiene items and socks to distribute to men experiencing homelessness in our nearby city of Pittsburgh. The mission has now expanded to offer assistance to men, women, and children experiencing homelessness through their Street Outreach Team and shelter locations within the city. The mission started in 1952 as a soup kitchen and has expanded to include a men’s shelter, a food pantry, a women’s and children’s shelter, a recovery place, and a free clothing store.

The mission came again on my radar while watching the Kindness Diaries when host Leon is hosted by a man who is experiencing homelessness, who offers him a place to stay at the mission. How incredible is that? It’s like the widow’s offering.

At the time I was experiencing a time of financial insecurity. I was about to go through a season that could have led to being without a roof over my head. Without the privilege of family members to help me until I could get back on my feet, I’m not sure where I would have been. This season of life changed me dramatically. It changed how I saw the world.

It broke my heart for the members of my community who are not as fortunate to have family and need people to step up into the gap and help. I was determined, that once I got through this period I wanted to support this mission through financial contribution and I have done this. And by supporting this mission, I’ve continued to learn how much kindness and generosity change everything.

Of course, because I am a flawed human I got distracted by work once I was back to being employed and lost a few years in my own world, but thankfully God was relentless in putting this on my heart. I’m grateful for His willingness to not give up on us even when we are unfaithful workers.

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

Mark 12:41-44 NIV

The simple yet impactful work of the Street Outreach Team to go out daily conduct wellness checks, and distribute water, food, and hygiene items within the homeless encampments in Pittsburgh makes a huge difference. Inviting people back to the mission and doing this every day – this is how we make a difference.

It’s about remembering people who go unseen in our individualistic and capitalist society and showing up for them every day. It shirks the standard, the lie that if you don’t have financial means or stuff you don’t matter.

Yeah, it’s sick. But it is modern society. Actually, it’s always been a part of our societies from Victorian workhouses to the beggars at the gates in the Bible, it’s a human problem to ignore those in our world who need community the most.

We Will Not Be Shaken

When the city of Pittsburgh decided to clear out homeless encampments by force, Light of Life stood up to challenge the approach of the city officials and make them consider the root cause of the problem, the systemic problem, instead of ignoring the problem.

Like many cities around the United States, Pittsburgh is experiencing rising homelessness within the population. Some of this is due to the housing crisis, but also the affordability of housing is changing within the city, and there is an unaddressed drug problem on the rise that is not being dealt with. Addiction and homelessness can go hand in hand, so why not address the addiction problem too?

This is what Light of Life offers at their rescue mission in addition to dignity, community, and a way forward for families and individuals who are struggling to uplift them and equip them for the bright and secure futures they can have. It’s about hope.

I think too often we overlook how much mental health can wreck our lives.

When I was struggling to find steady employment after college, I felt depressed and anxious because I was working hard to find a job but the jobs simply didn’t exist. I was living frugally but I still had to give up my apartment and move back in with my mom because I ran out of money.

I was incredibly depressed during this season and I isolated myself due to my embarrassment when I really needed people to talk to about these feelings to be able to move forward. This is what the work of the Light of Life Rescue Mission aims to do, by challenging the culture, to show up for our neighbors instead of ignoring them in their time of need.

I believe this mindset is what we need in our world, more than ever after the worldwide trauma of 2020, and how that disconnected us all. We need to bring our sense of community back instead of isolating ourselves behind technology or accumulating things to feel little hints of joy. We need each other. We need true joy, hope, love, and peace.

Most importantly, we need to remember that people deserve dignity. To think beyond our little spheres. It’s a daily challenge for me, I get so wrapped up in my stuff, and that’s not what is important. Like remembering that heat waves or cold weather can have severe consequences for those in our communities who are living without. So as the summer sizzles on and we look to the cold ahead, how can we all make a difference for those around us who need support?

I Was A PBS Kids Girl

What TV shows did you watch as a kid?

Wishbone

A Jack Russell Terrier that is one part family dog and one part incredible thespian. Wishbone is the most versatile performer jumping through classic literature as the hero of many classics like Robin Hood, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Romeo Montague, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Sherlock Holmes, Don Quixote, etc. It was my first introduction to these stories as a child and it made reading exciting. It also brought a smile to my face when in high school these stories came alive once again in class from my memories of these episodes.

Zoom

Zoom sparked my imagination for science, especially the online games from the Zoom section of PBS Kids. They did interesting experiments, and it was an educational variety show featuring skits, arts, letters, language lessons, and more. My favorite part of the website games was the ones that featured chemistry. They had a sandbox-style game with baking soda and vinegar ratios that propelled a rocket based on the ratio you mixed. Another one I enjoyed was the pH level game where you could tweak the acidity or base pH of a solution. This is how I remember why my Mom’s hydrangeas are blue, the soil has a higher base pH.

Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood

I’ve mentioned my love for Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood before in Fred Rodgers: The Call to Create and this show gives me all the feels. It was just so cozy and created a safe space for kids to exist where Fred ministered to kids through the TV screen. He helped me feel less scared of my big emotions and I will forever be grateful to him for wanting to bless kids through the show.

Zoboomafu

This show was my first encounter with lemurs, before Madagascar was made, there was Zoboomafu of Animal Junction and his zoologist friends the Kratt Brothers. As a child, I was fascinated by animals and this show was a wonderland of animals that were more than what you would learn about in a normal class or zoo trip. Such as the lemur, the binturong, the capybara, and the coati or coatimundi. Whenever I visit Keystone Safari or Living Treasures I feel like I’m transported back to those moments after school watching an episode of Zoboomafu.

Liberty’s Kids

This show may have helped me decide my major in college? It definitely sparked a love of history at an early age and helped me engage in American history class because, for the most part, I hated learning about American history in school except when we talked about the American Revolution and Early America.

I realize now it was because this was when there was most the opportunity to learn about Native nations that lived on the East Coast which I wanted to learn more about as I grew up in Pennsylvania and there were a lot of references to the Iroquois or Five Nations, and places like Aliquippa and Beaver and Mohawk were references to a culture we didn’t learn much about in school. I understand now that this was due to a genocide that is part of America’s formation and that’s why, culture and history were not allowed to be preserved.

What I liked most about Liberty’s Kids was the pacing and story style of the kids being reporters for Ben Franklin’s newspaper. I also liked that Moses, a freed former slave, ran the print shop and was a key character in the show. Moses and Henri were my favorite characters in the show. This show did not shy away from highlighting the hypocrisy of the founding fathers in their treatment of black and indigenous people and I think that is why the show is so good. It tells the story, the good and the bad.

Cyberchase

Christopher Lloyd as Hacker, the villain against Motherboard, and three kids who defeat him with math. It’s brilliant and Lloyd’s voice acting is spectacular. The world is imaginative and adventure-filled and sometimes there is even time travel back to the time of the pyramids or Archimedes. I have actually watched this again as an adult and while the subject matter is a bit elementary now, the show holds up and that’s not easy to do when you are making an educational kids cartoon about defeating a bad guy with math. It’s clever. Terms like motherboard and hacker were concepts in this show before computers became the backbone of modern life where the plot makes so much sense, why a hacker is a bad guy and motherboard would need to be protected and math is integral in code and binary language. Tis peak, my lord.

Sagwa: The Chinese Siamese Cat

Amy Tan’s children’s book ‘Sagwa: The Chinese Siamese’ cat was adapted to television and quickly became one of my favorite shows. It was my first introduction to Asian culture, Chinese culture particularly, and has been a lifelong love for me to want to know more about China and beyond like my K-pop and K-drama obsession and my current Korean and Japanese language learning quest. This show was such a delight. Sagwa and her family are calligraphers to the foolish magistrate, their paws, faces and tails are stained by ink from their calligraphy – how cute is that? This show along with Mulan has to be why I’ve had a dream, even pursued studying abroad in China although it fell through, my whole life to see China, and now Korea and Japan. It’s interesting how the stories we are introduced to as children can spark lifelong interests.

#62 – Lightning, Meeting the Neighborhood & Wallabies

This weekend started off a little bit wild. At first, it was a normal Saturday, a day we decided to run errands and do normal things we had been unable to get done during the week. Nothing crazy, just the normal chaos of navigating the stores in our town that was feeling extra Stars Hollow-y that day.

Then four o’clock hit and things got wild. It started with some gray clouds rolling in from the northwest. Nothing too crazy, a bit dark, but they seemed like rain clouds, not a grand thunderhead. We had plans to go to Keystone Safari towards the end of the day, which is all outside, a little rain wouldn’t ruin it.

Strike One

But then the dark clouds began to produce lightning and thunder rumbles, so we checked the radar, nothing big just a passing shower. So I continued to get ready to leave and that’s when the rain began to come down in a deluge, the wind kicked up and the lighting put on a grand finale. We were engulfed in a full-on banger of a storm with the culmination crescendoing in a palpable strike and immediate thunder so loud it felt like it happened on our street.

In fact, it did. The lighting struck the transformer up the road and we were now in the middle of a storm with our power gone. My first thought was the fridge and the freezer, and the dinner I was really hungry for. Downright hangry. We had built a fire pit earlier in the day with bricks and I had passed on getting a snack at Sheetz because I was excited about the dinner I would cook. I opted for Mt. Dew and that caffeine was hitting hard.

My mind was moving a mile a minute because I was genuinely surprised. There had been no forecast of storms, barely any rain on the radar. There had been no warning from our local college’s severe storm alert system or even a lightning or severe storm alert from the weather apps. Actually, before the big bolt of lightning hit the transformer, I was ready to get in the car. I’m really glad I decided to wait for the rain to slow down or we would’ve been outside for that and that would’ve been sketchy. This just furthers my frustration with those tornado and storm sirens, this may have been a good time to use them!

Community Matters

What turned into an unexpected evening of silence, the neighborhood I learned is downright silent without air conditioners running, it was actually a time of fellowship. It reminded me of what would happen after a big storm in the neighborhood I lived in as a kid, the neighbors would head outside and check on each other. So this storm which in my hanger felt like a big slap in the face, became a way to meet and bond with my neighbors.

They’re all so nice and warm. Especially compared to the neighborhood we lived in before we bought this house, which was cold. Our neighbors called the power company immediately to report the issue and started checking on people. I met people all around us and had a blast doing it. I even learned more about the property we bought and its history. It truly was turning lemons into lemonade.

Thankfully the power connection was able to be fixed twice. After an hour in a half, which was incredibly fast, the workers were able to repair our line for a few minutes until we heard a loud pop. It was out again, but it didn’t last and they were able to replace all the necessary parts. Most importantly, no one was hurt.

Wallaby, Pygmy Hippo, and a Cloud Leopard

The rest of the weekend, including the two days of vacation my husband took at the beginning of the week were blissfully uneventful and we got to catch up on some things we hadn’t done yet this year because of the move and other distractions. We finally got to Living Treasures to see the Cloud Leopard, the Pygmy Hippotamus, and the sweetest little wallabies and juvenile kangaroos. Walking around the park and getting to be around animals brings me so much joy. Same with Keystone Safari, it is such a calming place to reset and unplug.

The weather after that storm has been spectacular. There has been a coolness, a crispness that feels like autumn is closer than we think. Some of the leaves are already changing. The sky has been spooky and rainy, like a mist that only happens in October. Autumn and spooky season is the time of the year I crave so it has been a wonderful surprise to see highs in the low 60s Fahrenheit and lows in the upper 40s Fahrenheit in August! I can’t wait for all the fall things! 🙂

I’d say overall this little staycation was a great way to reset but most importantly, by losing power and having to lean on the kindness of strangers, I feel like I have settled into this place. It’s starting to feel like home. I also learned to trust my observation skills, and really be skeptical of the meteorologist. I know they have made huge advances lately in technology but dang, they dropped the ball this weekend for me. I think education on how storms work and how to be safe is better than these apps because they fail and there’s really nothing we can do about it. Aside from petting baby goats, that really seemed to lift my spirits this weekend. 10/10 recommend.

Peas, Sew A Button-Down Shirt With Personality

This was a special make for my husband Kyle who loves to find short-sleeve button-down shirts with fun and unusual patterns for the summer. This started early in our marriage at the thrift store where he found some nautical print button-downs. I slowly added to his collection finding a lobster print, a pina colada-themed shirt, and a shark one. Now that I sew, I approach this differently by browsing the fabric stores.

When I saw this print on Mood Fabrics’ website I knew exactly what it would be – a short sleeve button-down for Kyle. And it did not disappoint!

How to Make Curved Seams Lay Flat

When I first heard of making small snipping cuts into the curves of seams for necklines and arm openings, I thought this was a bunch of nonsense. An extra step that only overachieving sewing people do. But once I gave it a try – there was night and day difference with how non-stretch fabrics draped against the form. The comfort and fit has been a level up to professional feeling. It’s totally worth it and I can’t believe I was stubbornly against putting the extra effort in. Looking back, there were definitely projects I made that I didn’t like because the neckline and arm openings fit wonky. If only I had tried this weird sounding hack.

In the curve of seams, make a very small cut in the seam allowance, not the actual part of the seam you are going to sew. For structural integrity that’s important. You don’t want your seam to have a cut or it will rip. The cuts in the seam allowance give the illusion of stretch and help the non-stretch fabric curve without warping the line of the curve. It creates shape without bulk and proper fit. The quality of a garment, I’m learning is not the fabric quality alone, it’s the planning and care put into the construction. Proper pattern cutting can make or break the fit of the look you are going for.

What I’m Wearing Summer 2024 – A Cohesive Wardrobe

I’ve been sewing my clothes for nearly four years now, which had some unexpected results. I knew I would like the clothes I made better than those off the rack once my tailoring skills caught up to my ideas and that has happened. I didn’t expect the rocky period of making things I liked that didn’t fit into my wardrobe. This has been a problem over the last two years. I think because my style was changing. I think the clothes I was buying at stores were not really me but more a trendy persona to blend in. Going into 2024, I wanted my clothes to be more cohesive.

I’ve been more intentional with what I sew and how I will wear it with the pieces already in my wardrobe. I’m also less afraid to upcycle and repurpose existing clothes I’ve bought or made into something that will work with my current clothing and accessories. This summer I’ve felt like I every piece has had a purpose in my wardrobe and everything feels like an accurate reflection of who I am. It’s been a lot of fun to mix and match pieces, even dabbling in layering garments in ways I may not have tried before. With how busy this summer has been unpacking, I’ve been less likely to reach for my accessories, which I’d like to get better at because I know that would truly bring an outfit together.

In the meantime, I think this has been a successful season of making and wearing because I reached for my pieces more than anything else in my wardrobe. It feels good to know they are getting used and can easily mix and match with other garments in my closet to get as much use out of the items I made as possible.

I started keeping track of my outfits because of my Instagram and blog, to catalog my makes and it has been a fantastic way to see what I am wearing and what I should repurpose or re-home. If you are feeling stuck in a style rut I’d highly recommend keeping a record of what you wear and how you wear them. It’s been a helpful tool to find my personal style.

Designing clothing has been a journey of learning how outfits come together within an existing wardrobe. That is my biggest takeaway from the last four years and what I’m excited to apply to my future creations as a designer and maker.

Gotta Work? Got To Surrender First.

Since we settled in here, I’ve had a rough time. I’m not sleeping well consistently. It’s been a challenge to let down after a season of being on guard, on point, agile, and ready to work. I’ve felt behind on my own timelines after my workroom was boxed up and put into storage for a few weeks.

It was just a few weeks, but it felt longer, and I know why. I’ve been convicted of this as I’ve been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. My timeline and my plan were interrupted and that frustrated me. I am struggling with both control and pride. Woah, goosebumps. My grandma would be so pleased that I am talking about this.

Pride and Control

In the scary moments, God took over and directed my life and my steps from April 27 to June 7. In the meantime, I had to fully surrender my time and my trust to Him. I did and everything did turn out fine, better than expected. It was a big moment of growth for me, as a member of a little club called ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ instead of trusting in faith. This was a big step.

But as human nature and sin go, as soon as things got easier I began to slack off. I have been a huge slacker in my quiet time with the Lord, in both prayer and consistently reading His word and dwelling on its meaning. We are called as believers to meditate on His word, instead I’ve been filling my head with other things. My focus shifted from God’s plan back to my desires.

I’ve felt this intense pressure to not let myself rest. To work, work harder, and don’t stop. I’ve been obsessing about how to make money with skills to provide again. How to feel validation and success in this big life step that has made me feel out of control. I’ve been craving the ability to make money, build our savings back up, quickly pay back the mortgage, and “feel safe” after such a big financial step.

How am I “unsafe” or in danger now though? This sentiment has been marinating in my brain for too long. I know why. I have not been properly nourishing my soul, nor have I been renewing my mind.

Wake Up Call

God provided everything and more when I was in danger of my life falling apart. This happened because I humbled myself and did it His way. I let Him lead. I’ve been convicted by the truth that Francis Chan points to in his chapter, Profile of the Obsessed. I woke me up to what I’m working towards and what I’m obsessed with and neither of those aligns with where my life was oriented towards through giving up control and letting God lead. I can’t just wrangle the control back because I’m scared. I have no idea where I’m headed, but God does so it is a lot safer to let Him lead.

I’ve been convicted by Chan’s words of truth that my actions since the house purchase and move-in have not been in my best interest, because I’ve given into my need for control. Sadly this demonstrates my lack of trust and faith, like a” micromanaging boss. I’ve told myself that I “know” better. This is too much to take on with the resources God has provided. The math is not mathing. I need to “fix” this on my own.

Oof, I sound like a rude, self-centered jerk.

The worst part? I am treating my Creator like this. I am ashamed.

Acceptance and Second Chances

Every time I think I’ve matured past my pride and need to control my life, this behavior rears its ugly head. But thankfully this past week, I’ve had to slow down and log off. My allergies went from 0-60 as ragweed pollen bloomed, my lack of sleep caught up to me and I began to feel worn out. Our internet has gone out twice and in those times I got my head out of Instagram, out of my to-do list, and away from blog posts and knitting deadlines, to read Crazy Love. Crazy Love is a book I started reading in the Spring, that I completely abandoned this summer because I was busy with other things. But without videos or music or scrolling to distract me, I found the quiet moment to get back to what was important. My relationship with my Saviour and getting nourished through God’s truth, this time by the encouragement and theology of Crazy Love.

In every page I’ve read in the past week, I’ve felt humbled and challenged to consider where my focus lies and where it should be. It has shifted to myself and my own wants, instead of God and his Kingdom. Safety and success I’ve put above what brings Him glory for my own. How can I ever expect to succeed without Him? Especially when everything good in my life comes from Him and at the end of the day is His.

The worst part is that my generous hand, who was fulfilled and rejoiced in giving, has been too scared about money to give with the same abandon and joy that I used to do. Because I’ve been worrying about money, seeing it with a scarcity mindset instead of abundance and gratitude for what I have. I am not talking about manifesting here, I’m talking about true gratitude and recognition for the provision of God. I’ve been doing this and not trusting in God to provide for my needs.

It happens so quick. I feel like Peter after the rooster crowed the third time. Or like the Israelites asking to go back to Egypt after God parted the Red Sea and delivered them from their captors because freedom was unfamiliar so they were afraid and would rather go back to the bondage they knew.

There’s a line in the song ‘Looking for a Place to Happen’ by the Tragically Hip that says, “Where they’d stamp on burning bags of sh*t.” Yeah, I feel like my efforts this summer, pushing instead of trusting, worrying instead of praying have been as useful as stomping on burning bags of poop.

Thankfully God is a God of agape love and second chances for those who humble themselves, repent, and follow Him. So that’s what I need to be doing this month. Resetting back to what sustains me, that is God, not my own effort. It’s humbling and freeing.

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